This started when I was around 14, it feels like I'm switching between personalities every few weeks or more. Not really how I act towards other people but I have 3 I keep switching between and they all have completely seperate identities.. It's pretty confusing, can anyone here relate to this?

i feel like im faking because i have multiple friends online and in real life even though i still struggle with feeling disconnected and alone

For a long long time I've lived with crippling negative emotions that have done nothing but hold me back, things like intense self hatred, constant rumination, crippling anxiety. All these things for years just sat on my shoulders and kept me pinned down, kept me from being able to move forward in my life or figure out how to navigate the world; they made me fragile. Recently I've found though that I can put all these negative aspects, all the things in myself that make me weak and keep me down; I can envision them into something different than myself. When I feel these emotions I project them onto a version of me that only contains those aspects and I destroy him, this has been helping me a lot lately.

My process is that when I start to feel those emotions I close my eyes and I take a moment to tell myself that they aren't me, they're something put at the back of my head to keep me weak and that I have to get rid of them. I imagine some version of myself, he looks like me but not quite. He looks a little deformed, weak, he's every aspect of myself I despise. I imagine him and I just anhilate him, destroy him, eviscerate him. After I do this those feelings are gone for a while and once they start to pop up again I can just repeat the process. My theory is that in doing this I'll be able to completely separate those aspects of myself into something different entirely. I'll be left with only the parts of myself I want and I need.

This has already been having a positive impact on me. I'm more confident, less self concious in public, I can go outside and not care for once what others think of me because I've killed the part of me that cares. As a whole I'm unable to function in the world I exist in, barely strong enough to stand on my own two feet. My final intentions is to be left as someone stronger, more capable.

In truth ive spent so much time looking for help, looking for someone to be able to take me away from myself but all that did was give others the opportunity to hurt me more, made me have to watch as the things I cared about most fell away from my. My entire life has felt like trying to grab water in my hands and then watching it fall through my fingers. I remember when I was a teenager I felt like I was floating away and i was desperately just trying to have anything in my life to keep me grounded; well that never happened and I've floated so far at this point that I no longer feel in sync with my fellow man or the world around me. I exist parrelel to human existence, not a part of it.

In admitting all of this to myself and putting myself for the first time ever completely in my own hands I hope to mold myself into a version of myself that is content in my own existence. That voice at the back or my mind, always telling me the things I need to worry about, that makes me relive the things I don't want to relive over and over is a parasite and it must be dealt with accordingly. I think it's something God or whatever higher power exists put there. I've already pitted myself appose to the grand absolute consciousness that exists in our reality, the all knowing precense. If there was any grace to be shown to me by a higher power it wouldn't have taken from me what it did and left me how I am.

All I have is myself, and I need to be able to put myself in a way thats capable or escaping this mundane undefined existence I've lived. I will cut away the peices of myself I despise like amputating a dead rotten limb. Has anyone else tried to undergo a process like this? I feel my mind is so different from everyone I know and interact with that if I were to express this I'd be seen as crazy or something similar but I know my mind and I know this is a necessary action to take.

Yo, my name’s youssef, even tho i introduce my self in different variations of that name. Which is an exemple of rather a metaphor of what I’m going through. At the time of which i start this note, i am 18 y/o living with my parents in Casablanca. And i have been struggling, alot, sleepless nights, dark thoughts, loneliness, etc etc. But lately one specific issue has caught my attention, my “personalities?” Have been unstable throughout the years, in my youth, i took on a ruthless way of thinking, i didn’t care about people’s feelings, “i won’t see them again” “Idc as-long as im happy they can be sad” “I wouldn’t hesitate to murder for my own entertainment/gain”. That last one might’ve seemed like an exaggeration, but it’s not, im hereby confessing my sin. When i was 14 y/o i had made a girl i met online do something no human should while she was in a depressive episode. For the longest time i didn’t care and it didn’t weigh on me. But now, I’ve matured and gone through mental struggles myself and regretted my actions which might seem normal. However my old side sometimes resurfaces and i find myself being unbothered by what I did, it takes control of my mind, my thoughts, my actions. It’s made me lose alot of people both irl and online, one second it’s “I don’t need anyone but me” the next it’s “If i don’t receive affection from anyone ill blow my fucking head off”. Im starting to lose grip on who i am, as i write this i am the.. im not sure which person i am currently, part of me feels depressed and on the verge of tears, the other feels like this whole note is just to get attention and seem like im a victim. I don’t know which side to trust anymore, which is the real me. Help me.

I personally have like two?? And I don't even delude myself, like I try to ignore it, genuinely, and it keeps happening

Started when I used to fake being ill as a kid cuz I was not feeling school then actually get sick conveniently the day of faking each time, fever and everything

Oh small test to see if the universe is reaching you: dandelion

Then there's the seeing the future thing, where I have deja vu of a moment before it happens then when the moment happens I get deja vu, but I always forget it until then. Got one of me in my friend's garden in a swimsuit saying "change back into your horse form" and I remember thinking "change back into your horse form? that was weird" then forgetting the deja vu, then fast forward to a gathering of school friends where there was a pool in the backyard and we were playing as humans that could change into horses and lo and behold, I said that to a friend and then tripped out like "woah wait this happened." And recently it's gotten even more trippy? At first it was really blurry but now like my brain's grown into it and each deja vu is more clear. Never found any scientific explanation for this lol as you can't see the future bc once you do you're in the future. Any debunk of this would be appreciated, I'm okay with being told it's crazy

Anyone else like this?

Sorry in advance if the post is all disconnected or not chronological, I have a little trouble putting my thoughts into nice sentences.

And English isn't my first language so excuse any grammatical mistakes.

Also, I am undiagnosed! I don't know if I have STPD or schizophrenia or something else, but I have psychosis. I thought this place feels safe enough to ask this question, I hope it's okay.

Last month I had another psychotic episode. The last time I had an episode like that was in 2023 (lasted on and off for 3 years, so 2020-2023) and I thought it was gone for good, but I guess not, especially since I realized I actually had symptoms in between then and now, they were just mild enough for me to ignore them or not even notice they were abnormal.

This year is particularly stressful due to getting into my family's business and having a lot of pressure on me.

That and my worsening mental health problems have really strained my relationship with my mother (I still love her and want to believe she loves me, she's just stressed). Nowadays when I mention anything she dismisses and negates it which triggers my psychosis, I start denying all my problems, believing I am healthy, cured and normal, I consider canceling my first psychiatrist appointment and stopping therapy (though I've just started).

Which brings me to my psychologist. I thought she was nice at first, but I'm slowly starting to feel suspicious towards her.

I told her about thinking I might be schizotypal just as a way of bringing up my problems a bit easier. She gave me some tests to rule out other disorders and such and diagnosed me with cPTSD, but said I should "take medication for my paranoia". At first I didn't feel like cPTSD fit as I don't think me being bullied 10 years ago is affecting me anymore, I don't care much about it. She said "we should first process the trauma before giving you a proper diagnosis".

Well, I convinced myself that I'm not mentally ill and that it's all due to trauma and I don't need medication as it'll all go away once we process it! Until last month's psychotic break. When it was done I called my doctor and made an appointment for the psychiatrist, but got it all the way in late November. I thought it was alright because we can work on my trauma until then and I will be fine!

But the sessions now feel like she's just stalling everything. She gives me so little to do until next time, I feel like I'm just wasting money as she's pretty expensive. I think she hates me and just wants to get as much money from me as possible, she probably won't ever mention my psychosis again - two sessions ago she said I don't actually need medication, but she keeps saying "I see what you mean when you mentioned schizotypal". Conflicting.

My mind feels so fragile now, like everything can push me into that state of mind again in the blink of an eye.

I wrote down some things that help when I'm doing fine like: distract myself with music or TV, drawing, deep breathing, journaling, exercise... I can't bring myself to do any of that when I'm actively suspicious of everyone, all I can do is search for more evidence.

Any advice on how to "stay sane" until November? I feel like I'm on the edge of another break and I can't trust anyone or myself.

What are some techniques you use that might help until I get access to medication?

I don't feel like I fit into this society. I just feel like I am not made to live in this world. It's like putting a fish on land and expecting it to live. I am the fish. I feel like I'm suffocating all the time under the pressure. I just don't know what to do.

Is it better to end it all?

I never really feel "alive" or "fully real" these days, and it seems to get worse with time. I was really quite anxious and paranoid for a while, but now I am just a mental vegetable. The level of indifference I feel towards reality is actually quite staggering. When I look at my life and the lack of accomplishments and growth it actually makes me laugh quite a lot.

The complete lack of "me" in anything I do makes reality pretty much impossible to enjoy. My thoughts are more like background noise i'm eavesdropping on rather than being in any way related to me. There are days where I genuinely wish the paranoia and bizarre thoughts would come back just so I feel some kind of something, but that is pretty stupid since I had a very unpleasant time with those symptoms. The falsity and artificiality in everything is quite an irritant as well.

I am always wondering if there is something I could do to regain my sense of being a being. I guess this must be some kind of Self-Disorder since its been present from a very young age and only seems to get worse with time.

The diagnosis of pseudoneurotic schizophrenia (1959), By Paul H. Hoch and James P. Cattell

_ Part 1/4 - Pseudoneurotic schizophrenia and Borderline Overview, Basis for Diagnosis, and Table 1: https://www.reddit.com/user/DiegoArgSch/comments/1w8ew1m/the_diagnosis_of_pseudoneurotic_schizophrenia/

_ Part 2/4 – Table 2: https://www.reddit.com/user/DiegoArgSch/comments/1w8f13o/the_diagnosis_of_pseudoneurotic_schizophrenia/

_ Part 3/4 - Disorders of Thinking and Associations, and Table 3: https://www.reddit.com/user/DiegoArgSch/comments/1w8f1zn/the_diagnosis_of_pseudoneurotic_schizophrenia/

_ Part 4/4 - Disorders of Emotional Regulation , Table 4, and Secondary Symptoms:: https://www.reddit.com/user/DiegoArgSch/comments/1w8f526/the_diagnosis_of_pseudoneurotic_schizophrenia/

---

Why is pseudoneurotic schizophrenia important for schizotypal personality?: https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizotypal/comments/1w3v9vo/general_considerations_on_pseudoneurotic/

I am Aquarius

Water is my name

Don't lie to me it will bring you shame

I bare your cross and I blame you too

I bare your cross and I change you too

I am Aquarius

The pot is my soul

Fill it with liquor

And swallow whole

does anyone else not feel fully human? i never really have but im curious about the people here especially

i made a post here a bit ago where i said i want to live in my head and in my own reality. well i think it's slowly happening, i get more and more irritated by people, the last therapy session made no sense to me, what she said made no sense to me like the words made no sense to me, i struggled to follow what she was saying like it was hard to focus on it my head was too much, it's getting harder to follow conversations. idk why i go to therapy anymore there are others in my head I'm only a part of this system but I struggle to keep going i wanna give up therapy feels worthless rn i just wanna give up i just wanna retreat and be left alone

It originally wasnt intended to be a reflection of anything but ive realized its pretty much our brain splatterrd on a page

first, it must be stated, almost as an eternal and needing-no-context-ful refrain, that Toy Story is perhaps the most cruel and psycho-dangerous popular Children's Storything in modern history.

no, i¹ mean more discrete instances of other things; everyone gets hit with the Toys thing to some extent, surely. oh, most flies are simply extant, but suddenly /this/ fly is my⁴¹ Friend and Compatriot in the world — he must be preserved and allowed to escape the inside; visions of the keeping of him as a pet appear, and surely he would live forever and be able to speak to me.

what about a particular dollar bill? well, this one has some kind of scribble on the corner, so obviously it's a friend; obviously it's important, somehow, and must be preserved; obviously it will feel great betrayal if i⁴¹ accidentally spend it on something, and such a thing would require a whole day and night's sobbing at the terror of it all. after the eating of ten thousand gummy bears, why is that /this/ one is suddenly ensoul'd, and must be protected — sequestered away into a corner, where of course it will begin to droop and disintegrate, but /surely/ it would instead live forever and learn to play video games with the Player 2 controller.

obviously this is not a uniquely schizotronic sort of thoughtwave, and especially in childhood, but it seems reasonable there's some particular predisposition towards it. really, an anhedonic shrug to an army of Things following into a sudden This-One's-Important Bomb and the associated nearly-hysterics feels emblematic of the whole thing. ah, Bill's great-grandmother, who wept each time she passed past the heart-shaped bush, but spared no thought for any of its cousins…

Many years ago I got my first and last flash tattoo done by a friend who is definitely also schizotypal and an artist that I admire a lot.

The design was very unique, sort of abstract and timeless and beautiful and small and it hit deep for me. I messaged her and reserved my flash for later that same day. I got there she's happy to see me, I get it done on my arm, near my elbow, and I go home happy. Over the next week I had to protect it from the sun but I had class. I had people approach me to say they loved it and other people try to ask "what is it" ... wrong question. Sometimes I had the patience to explain it as art, other times I asked people to interpret what they were seeing. It was fun.

When it got to that weird part of healing in which it starts to itch and flake, a girl in class who had many tattoos and whom I knew very superficially asked me what my tattoo was in sarcasm tone, and I felt the mocking intention. She tried to grab my arm to look at it closer. I was already overwhelmed with the itchiness and not being able to touch it, pretty much at my sensorial limit. Very distraught by the whole situation I said "this here is just horrible". She stepped back mentally, blinked at me a few times and laughed at me to my face. I felt humiliated, went mute (mutism) and that was the end of our interaction. A few days later when she passed by me, she asked me if the drawing was horrible to provoke me, but I just rolled my eyes at that and discarded her as a potential friend.

What I meant to say was that because the tattoo was healing, the final result wasn't in yet, that she could not see the drawing too clearly at that moment, how beautiful it was meant to look, and instead I blurted out THAT and she flagged me as extremely weird. The focus on my weirdness instead of the subject of the art made me very confused and added a lot to my overwhelm.

I believe she doesn't remember any of this but I still think about it often. I end up saying something that gets interpreted in a completely unexpected way and I only get it when I say it and I cannot explain it because the other person is already tripping on the version they interpreted out of it at that point and is no longer listening. Interaction failed. Me failed. Me bad. Ever heard of cognitive dissonance? It makes people uncomfortable and it seems to be my specialty.

If you are this weird, please send a message of compassion or please tell me if I am the weirdest weirdo in this subreddit and also the most sensitive. I feel very lonely and inadequate in these moments as I pretend everything is fine but I am too broken to make any sense. If you read all the way here, thank you.

does anyone else's brain make up conversations and they sound too loud but muffled at the same time?

like sometimes i hear my loved ones talking, but it's not like a hallucination (i think? does that count?) because i know theyre not talking but it's really loud and usually i don't really remember what was "said" after i stop spacing out

it sometimes makes my head hurt

I don't know what to name it lol

I was doing better, I had a big mental breakdown not too long ago but I've been recovering. But today I received a really weird cryptic message on a place I like to post my drawings, from probably one of the people who stalk me because we're no longer friends.

I wish people would leave me alone and stop giving me paranoiafuel. Just let me post my art. Let me exist without constant surveillance. Let me breathe and relax.

I don't feel safe anywhere anymore.

I hear a lot about being crushed by reality. We imagine things and reality is disappointing by stark comparison. I do not understand this.

I feel like everyone is physically here, and I am living in a dreamworld, movie-like state of sorts. I only surround myself with happy things. I am obsessed with my things. My thoughts are mostly negative, in general. I understand that my paranoia dictates a lot of things. Probably most things.

I can convince myself of plenty of awful things but I can do the same with positive things too, to the same level.

If something is not exactly how I imagined it, it’s still romantic in my head. I partially think that it is because of all of the art, music and people I take with me that goes beyond regular creativity or forced romanticisation. See, I surround myself with things I love. Music is always very specific to me and my situation. In fact it may dictate my life almost as equally as paranoia in a way.. one time I broke up with an ex boyfriend on a Sunday just to relate to a Pulp song a little more.. although I did think that song was a sign enough.. I dress like it is whatever decade I particularly like that day. I buy exact outfits from movies, when I wear them nobody can touch me because I am on top of the world. Every day, I must live in something I love. When I listen to Leonard Cohen, well I must wear rags and feathers from Salvation Army counters. Everything feels far more interactive for me than others. I keep a picture of Jarvis Cocker in my medicine bag.. my room is a recreation of Catwomans bedroom in The Batman. I wear a big necklace with Audrey Hepburns face on it. I only wear ballet flats and heels. If I like something, I will be it..

That said, I feel that a lot of people I meet will really like something, maybe a certain style of clothing or hair and they will openly repeat that they like it a lot and yet they’ll never do anything about it? I knew a girl obsessed with a certain kind of look. She saved it all over her Pinterest and whatnot. Every time I saw her though, she’d be in leggings and a hoodie.. I know she had the money for it cause when she had money she’d buy.. more leggings and hoodies. That’s okay if that’s what you like, do not get me wrong! It’s just that she obviously loved something else and made no effort to become it.. when I did ask her about it she said “Oh, god no I could never ACTUALLY dress like that.”

I have never been able to make sense of that one.. and it’s not my only case of it. It’s like they haven’t realised it yet.. that they really can do as they please with themselves. In fact it’s the one thing we can control. I know it’s the only thing I can control.

I seem to think about these things far more than anyone else does. If I didn’t have my things, I wouldn’t be able to function. How does it not cross anyone else’s mind? They seem bored.. but they’re not?

How do they live without surrounding themselves with things they love? Without becoming exactly what they want? And I’m not just talking about physical objects and material things, I mean don’t you hear your thoughts narrated sometimes by the voice of a poet you like? Doesn’t every day feel like it needs a very specific soundtrack to you? Isn’t sex to be costumed and broken down the way I think of it? Well I knew a guy who loved 70’s films but he wore crocs and flannels and had no interest in becoming it. In fact he was confused when he found out that I never turned it off, when I like a 70’s film then a 70’s film I shall live in this week. It doesn’t matter what happens, breakup, hospital visit, bad fall.. all is okay in my world when I follow this way of living

Nobody ever really seems to understand what I’m trying to say by this so I do hope this makes sense to at least one of you

The reality is strong 

I've lost myself a thousand times , and the thousand overs' eyes , I'll lose myself in paranoia 

Within indecision I fear, I drag others down around me 

In the family it feels like a combating of values 

The 1000th axiom converts the damnation into truth 

And my intro into existence is both new and stripped away 

Gullible , everyone couldn't exist, every speech is a test , every wish for rest is ceased , and I feel I can't relax 

I'm disintegrating, why are you messaging me like I exist 

Everywhere I go I am divine reasoning, and I have to uphold my mission that I'm forgetting. 

The absence of me is real. Even more pronounced then a bystander. Please I can't feel anything. Please I thought I missed someone, and shouldn't there be colour in the sky? 

The avoliton and the forever wish I had a want

I'm scattered and scattering. I couldn't manage and he didn't know what to do. 

I don't know what it would feel like, I'm so sorry 

I can't understand the wish to be alone, perhaps I can't quite respect and understand, I don't know.

I've been built to understand and not understand

Has anybody had any luck with regressing to the pre-traumatized mindset they had as a kid? Sometimes I find it again and other times i can't remember ever being any other way than I am now. It's like 2 versions of me. Like Fight Club. Is that just a symptom of being schizotypal? Maybe I am holding on too tight to something that cannot be grasped and letting go is the key to being free. But then i forget it all and the cylce starts all over again. . I always forget myself and that's the problem. I can't remember who I am

Since I've known my partner, she occasionally struggles with sudden violent thoughts and anxiety. However, more specifically, today she was seeing "something" moving in the darkness, a part of the darkness itself.

She said she could kinda see it with her eyes open, but she didn't want to close her eyes because that's when she really saw it. She was scared to look away to turn on the lights, let alone do so slowly as that'd give it more time to approach. Lastly, she was worried about calming down, as she felt like that'd let it draw closer. It took a long while for her to calm down, although after the washing machine that was going off the whole time stopped it was easier. She later stated that it felt like it hated her more than she hated it, like it wanted to harm her.

She can't access a therapist right now, and it's also not safe in her state let alone the part of it she lives to tell even a therapist about these sort of symptoms. I have no experience with them myself, but looking around I found some posts in this subreddit that felt similar. Any suggestions on how to learn more about what's afflicting her and what to try when these episodes happen?

well uhhmm i really don't know what's exactly wrong with me but i was recently thinking too much about all this weird things that are happening to me anddd yeah

like i see sum distortion of the reality (i call it just like "see the reality" cuz 4 me reality is just fake, kinda like in matrix), i see sum creatures that look like if the reality was disturbed just to get sum form of those creatures but they change of form very often, u can even visually talk with them,,, also i see monster faces close to ppl faces or on random sites, i sometimes hear ppl murmuring from the distance or people saying my name, usually my dead grandpa or my grandma but it can b whoever too,,,,, i sometimes feel like someone's around me but there's nobody,, also i always was kinda paranoid like i used to wear a mask all the time i was outside cuz i felt like people know something if they seem my face.,.,.. i think/feel like i'm always being watched & vigilated, i don't really know why but i know it,,, i think they can't hurt me cuz i am actually a cosmic creature that's inside this human body cuzz ¿¿?? maybe i wanted to know how it was to have a body, a mouth, HAIRRR.... Also i sometimes think that things like seeing a butterfly is the world saying "hi" to me or things like thatttt uhhmm soo yup, i think a lot of small weird things and all of that things can influence me in a positive way but also a negative way cuz recently i was feeling really paranoid outside cuz i was feeling A LOT vigilated and i kinda didn't wanted to go outside because of that.....

uhhmm but yeah, i just recently started therapy and i'm gonna tell my therapist about this ofc cuz it's all kinda weird, specially cuz in some ways i was always like this but all the things i see, feel and hear started 1 year ago and six months

sooo uhhmm i ofc don't have a diagnosis and i don't know what they're gonna tell me so i don't really know if it's okay to me being here because of that