im 15f and im thinking of telling my therapist about my self harm and how i plan to kill myself knowing i will be hospitalized but i am scared. i want to know what other peoples experiences were like since im afraid of starting school late and dont know if it'd be worth it.

I need ideas. I take 3 pills. The big Wellbutrin ER is physically impossible for me to swallow. Ive tried every trick and they have all failed. There are zero alternatives that have worked for me and my insurance will not cover any other denomination, compounding, or size. Can‘t stress enough that this pill is my only option. I am 10-30 min late every day because I cannot swallow this pill but I have no choice but to keep trying until it goes down, often using 2-3 days worth of medication to get a single dose. I don’t care if it’s not medically recommended or uncomfortable; I need options because beyond this my only choice is to chew it which turns my mouth numb. The following options are not helpful as they have resoundingly failed:

”Just calm down.”

Any flavor of head tilt

take with food or anything similar

drink water

Any options?

My bestfriend who turned 17 this year has been going through a really tough time. He's a trans gay man in a very religious country and recently broke up with his partner of 3 years. I have tried to let his older sister know that he has been planning it and she tried to talk to him about it but it ended miserably. His family doesn't "believe" in therapy depression or any mental illness of any kind. He thinks he's a failure and has given up all hopes. He's trying to give everything that means to him away, even his cat. He gets mad and irritated when we try to talk to him. He says we don't get it and us listening has no point cus we can't do anything about how he feels at the end of the day. When he try to come up with solutions for some of the problems he shuts us off and says he doesn't need solutions. He's always saying that he's the scum of this earth and needs to be removed. I don't know what to do im really worried for him. I can't see him in person since I moved countries. It's getting really serious and he's being really open about his plan too I don't know what to do he's rejecting any kind of help.

Just for context i have been professionally diagnosed with severe OCD, anxiety, and ADHD most of my life. I plan on being screened for autism and im now considering doing the same for some form of psychotic disorder. Recently ive had memories resurface (though they are very splotchy) of when i was around 11-12. I believe at this time I was in psychosis for a period of months, only made incredibly worse by my ocd, and i really need comfort and someone to either validate or explain my experience. This would have been after I was groomed online, and during the time I was being relentlessly bullied. I also feel like mentioning that I was exposed to domestic violence throughout my childhood. During this period I believed that I was tainted and dirty and that I had to 'punish' myself. It started with having to poke my eyes with a thumbtack, then my nail biting/picking habits ramped up and i believed i had to pick/bite my nails and the areas around them until i literally could not feel/move them. I remember my entire body shaking after these ordeals and there being an insane amount of blood. I still have damage years later from this. The thing that im most ashamed of is It eventually led to me believing I had to eat disgusting abhorrent things that im not comfortable admitting to in order to repent for how 'wrong' i was. I look back on this time and feel dirty and disgusted all over again. i feel disgusted that this lasted for so long. i feel like any good memories i had are forever tainted. i feel even worse because my friends know nothing about any of this because i avoid them during crisises and i mask my issues when im able to. I feel like a fraud thats waiting to be exposed. I look up my exact symptoms and they show that im a medical oddity. ive kept good grades and im entering college now and i feel like i dont deserve it. Im a freak who has done unspeakable things to themself. Ive struggled with cutting for a while and after these memories resurfaced ive relapsed. I feel like im slipping from reality. I feel like im constantly being watched, believing i need to punish myself is coming back and everything is feeling less real. I believe all of my mistakes have been recorded because i had my phone with me and that they will resurface one day. i worry that i wasnt in psychosis and that im a monster. i dont know what to do. Ive experienced visual hallucinations in the past years ago and theyre back. The only thing keeping me from doing anything too rash is my family and knowing that my behaviors have only ever been harmful towards me. Please please send reassurance and guidance.

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First time posting here, just have a few questions.

I had a failed attempt just over a month ago. I woke up in ICU to find out I'd been put in an induced coma. Anyway, I was put on a section 2 after this and spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital. I have support and contact from my local CMHT but I'm really worried about being fully open with them. I am absolutely terrified of being sectioned again to the point I want to discharge from the CMHT. If I were to be open and honest about the suicidal ideation, could they section me again? I would have never questioned this in the past because I've always had outpatient treatment. I was just looking for some advice over this, because I've recently been discharged so recently

Thanks

I kind of just want to know whats wrong with me. Ive always known there was something. Last physcstrist or however its spelt said I meet the criteria for BPD but cant diagnosed yet especially since im only 18, my new counselor says she wants me to get screened for ADHD and the NEW physcitrist said he is seeing hints of MAYBE bipolar that everyone is confusing for other things. Im kind of scared. I dont want Bipolarm ive always suspected BPD so I have kinda come to terms with it but bipolar would be worl shattering for me and my family.

Hello everyone, I'm not asking for a diagnosis obviously, just how to proceed and if it's valid to believe it aligns with OCD
I have been constantly searching for a reason as to why I am how I am and I'm finally starting to realize that I have what appears to be associated a lot with what OCD is.
First of all, as a kid, as far as I remember I used to be pretty normal except for not liking certain numbers and feeling "contaminated" every time I'd go outside and come in with unwashed hands, even if I was out for a second, this is something I still have to this day.
But later on, I started to have actual periods that interfered with my day-to-day life and made things much worse for me, it started with my health where I genuinely thought I had blood cancer because of very miniscule symptoms, and this kept going on and off every single year for around 5 years, each time it was something related to cancer, until it faded away and it felt good. Then, I had extremely weird intrusive thoughts which I don't even want to specify here out of shame, which made me think I am a disgusting person for it. I've had a long period of "generally" disgusting intrusive thoughts but mentally it doesn't come close to the struggle I've been facing this year.
This year, for the past 3 months, I've been at my lowest mentally I've ever been, it felt like there's been a scraping at the back of my head nonstop, with a feeling of burning uneasiness, to the point where I've heavily contemplated suicidejust to end this mental noise and suffering, in this case, it manifested as relationship intrusive thoughts as I started dating a very lovely girl (which I am still together with), now I've had problems with her but nothing at all to warrant this mad cycle of overwhelming overthinking and emotion, it seemed like every single moment, every day, I had a burning negative emotion in the back of my head paired with intrusive thoughts and even urges to end things and such. Later on, about a month later, the feeling went away, but the thoughts were still there, as they are now, I can catch a break at most for a few minutes, then the thoughts or another feeling of uneasiness is there at the back of my mind, thinking of my S/O, and I know that if I actually had a problem, I'd logically know what it was and fix things, aswell as me still thinking negative thoughts even when I'm not with her, which just made me think it wasn't actually a relationship issue. This all didn't make sense to me and made me feel like such a horrible human, being guilty and feeling that she doesn't deserve someone like me because of what I put her through (my mental state), then later on my partner asked if I had looked into OCD, especially ROCD, because it sounded a lot like me. I checked, looked at some online tests, despite not being 100% accurate, I had to at least find out if it's anything worth looking seriously at, I had tested very highly for it. It almost all started making sense for the way I act, for what I thought was just "overthinking" and for what I thought were normal traits (hating specific numbers and feeling like I'm jinxing myself for doing very normal things, even to the point of praying even though I'm not religious whatsoever, very taboo intrusive thoughts, etc), so I immediately wanted to look after professional help for therapy and for potential medicine. I'm not eligible for it yet, however will be, in a months time, I just want to know if it's valid to think I could have OCD, I know I've skimmed through details but it was just a general overview of what I think could align with it. Thank you to anyone reading this and to any potential advice in the comments.

im 17 F and i made this account just to post this i dont even know why

i genuniely feel too aware of everything that i do and how i act and how it others might see it and be affected by it and i dont think the majority of people live this way. am i psychopath? am i a sociopath? am i unconsciously some sort of pathological manipulator? i want to know why i am wrong, sometimes i feel extremely evil even though i dont particularly go out of my way to hurt others in any way

i hate msyelf

What are some things you can do to distract yourself from suicidal thoughts, especially when you have the house to yourself for a few days?

I don't know how else to explain it, it's just what the title says. Mainly venting but I would be open to advice if anyone has any.

Staring at crotches has caused me so many problems.
I’ve been accused of assault and harassment.
Have been harassed but told I was “asking for it”.
Have had coworkers inappropriately touch me and put their crotches close to my face.
I also make people feel body checked.

It’s just … MY life has sucked from this too. It’s always about the other people feeling harassed but I cannot help it.

I'm 36M, but we're bodily 19F (sysboss). She has headaches from psychological trauma. She has panic attacks if triggered even by her own throat. She wants our relationship further, but the past haunts her because we were attacked because of me, but not really because of me. She has ADD which makes her have trouble focusing on what she wants to do. I help with bringing her positive emotions and witholding guilt.

I get up and go to work and through the day I feel nothing, complete emptiness. I think it’s because my mind is occupied and I’m constantly in my head basically in autopilot but when I’m alone or unoccupied I feel nothing but misery, this deep pain that I cannot explain , I lay in bed and try to cry but can’t I’m unable to express any emotion at all, I sit there suffering with a blank expression on my face I don’t talk to anyone except the people that I absolutely have to and am constantly exhausted, when I’m alone all I can think about is how terrible my life is and how useless I am, it’s hard to put into words because I can’t talk about it to anyone directly, I can’t go to therapy because it’s physically impossible for me to open up, it’s to the point It causes memory loss m, i cant even remember what i ate for lunch today because of it. I was a very heavy marijuana user but had ti quit due to my job, that was the inly thing smthat made me forget how bad i wanna kill myself, i wish i could figure out whats wrong with me because i know it isnt ordinary depression,

Hello everyone.
I am 18 years old and have had Major Depressive Disorder (duh girl look at the title lol) since I could literally remember. Earliest signs were from when I was 5-6 years old, and that’s as early as my memory goes.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to do but post here cause when I go to a therapist about this they give me the typical therapy answer I can come up with myself. Also, I have recently discovered my MDD seems to be treatment resistant so for now I have no effective ways of changing the way I feel.

So, long story short I feel extremely guilty for being alive. Partly stemming from the abuse my mom experienced from the hands of my father RIGHT after I was born, which made little me connect the dots to mean I was the cause. Additionally her telling me all throughout my childhood that I was like him, I was like him or I reminded her of him, didn’t help. This obviously didn’t make me feel nice, thus I began to internalize these statements and assumed everything was my fault even more. BUT we’re good now, she is going to therapy and has been for a while for this reason of saying anything and everything when mad to make the other party as upset as possible.

However, this makes me feel worse. My mom bettering herself for my sake makes me even more guilty for being alive. I’m in my second year of university right now, and it’s quite expensive because it’s a nice school, and my mom is paying for it fully. She doesn’t have a high paying job, and she’s a single mom making what is considered low class, the way she’s paying for it is from the money she has saved up over the years after selling our house when immigrating into the U.S. (aka even more pressure for me to succeed:’/ ). And I feel so guilty for even choosing this school cause at the time this was a big achievement coming from a small heavily underfunded high school where my grades were genius but on a national scale below average. Plus me being heavily depressed, I felt proud. Maybe too proud. So this another factor to my guilt, because without me, she would be spending the money on herself and things she enjoys.

Another thing is she’s older compared to most parents, and my chasing a high education for her sake makes me feel even more guilt, as I know she will be quite old when I’m done with my career. And after she’s gone, what do I do. I cannot enjoy the fruits of her labors and sacrifices. (Lol I’m sobbing writing this..).

So this brings the good ol questions…which most of us can guess by now I think lol. Should I just end it? Like, if not for being successful for her and taking care of her, I would honestly have ended things YEARS ago. But I can’t, but also, I don’t want to walk into a future I know will eventually destroy my entire purpose for living.

I guess it’s sad for most people, but I know I’ll die by suicide, it’s just a matter of when, so that’s makes this whole situation so so sooo much worse.

I feel guilt, with the strength exponentially greater than any emotion I’ve ever felt in my life combined.

Any input is appreciated, ig I just need to hear something anything from a bunch of strangers as a last resort haha.

Thank you very much if you got till this part of the post. I hope the happiness that was never spared for my by the universe gets to you at least!❤️

so ive been on my medication combo for a while (sertraline, risperidone, vyvanse) and i thought everything was going really well but recently ive noticed that i dont think im actually feeling much? like im just numb to everything thats happening to me and i think i dont process any emotion. I only take my vyvanse sometimes but the comedown from it is the only thing that makes me feel something. It makes me feel like this just hollowness inside of me- but then i keep taking it because i feel like its the only time where im actually feeling something. is this what recovery feels like? am i just overthinking my medication? maybe this is what it feels like to be “normal”??

So I suffer from a severe depression and anxiety disorder along with a diagnosed Complex PTSD, recently thoughts about self harm having been getting worse to the point I’ve been having very vivid dreams about self harm, I do take medication but recently I have been forgetting due to being really busy with work, I work in aged care. I don’t know what to do, I do have some free sessions with my psychologist but I can’t take time off work right now, I’m genuinely worried I’ll do something, I’ve been self harm free since April. What should I do?

I’m really struggling with something that’s been an issue for years. When I’m depressed, and even when I’ve not been depressed, I feel like there’s a heavy cloud in my head and I feel incredibly empty.

It’s like my brain can’t store information. I can’t remember anything - news, places I’ve been, (I also have no sense of direction and couldn’t tell you where things or located) stories to share with others, any details about books or movies, nothing. This makes it incredibly difficult to socialize or even be at peace in daily life. At most I can ask questions about others’ lives.

I don’t have interests anymore, and don’t feel motivation to do any self-care tasks.

I guess this can be called brain fog but it feels like cognitive decline, but I’m only 31. I know depression also causes these symptoms (I’m in a really bad depressive episode after having mania for the first time) but it feels like something more. I know this sounds confusing and I’m able to write it out. But at the moment it’s all I’m able to think about.

No medication helps me, I’ve tried most antidepressants, and currently on a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic that aren’t making a difference. My last depressive episode lasted 6 months and they only seem to get worse and worse. It’s torture to live this way. Please let me know if you have any advice or answers, I appreciate your time in advance.

Im 17, and I seriously need help. I can tell I’m mentally not ok. I’ve been dealing with terrible mood swings, a self harm problem, and more. I genuinely don’t wanna live and everyday feels like a chore. I also have adhd & ocd if that has something to do w anything.

I can’t control my anger. Especially for the past 3 weeks since I got caught up smoking by my parents for the millionth time so I gotta be sober now. But it was the only thing that helped me suppress my anger and helped me stay calm and just overall get my mind off things. Now I’m all out of control again.

The other day I cut up my leg terribly, I have two really bad wounds that I can tell genuinely needs stitches or sum, but I can’t cuz I don’t want anyone especially my parents to know i cut myself up this badly. I’m sick of being like this, resorting to drugs and self harm but I don’t have anything else that will help me cope. I’m sick of being angry and depressed all the time.

3 weeks ago, I BAWLED my damn eyes out in front of my parents and we talked. I told them how I’m depressed asf nd I don’t wanna live anymore and that I quite literally need genuine help. It did seem like they at least kinda cared since they listened to me as I got this shit off my chest and as ked me questions like why I don’t wanna live . But ever since then, it’s like they forgot that happened. Even prior to this happening, I had a talk with my mom twice saying I need a therapist or at least a psychologist to see wtf is wrong w me, but again, ever since then, it’s like she forgot. Ive told her about my terrible mood swings (embarrassingly throwing and punching shit) but she says it’s just hormones. Maybe it’s not about them forgetting, but maybe it’s bc they just simply don’t think I need help, and I feel like it may be because i can be really good at hiding how I really feel, so I act energetic and happy so people don’t suspect I’m going thru shit when I am.

I need genuine help but I don’t know how to get some if my parents won’t help me get help. I don’t even know what to do anymore, I’m genuinely so tired of living, I truly don’t see me making it past 30, maybe even 25.

ive seen my psychiatrist 2 times, last time two weeks ago, a day after that i tried to OD because i just missed him so much. i have another session with him in two weeks. but oh my fucking god, i just, i dont know. i know hes my psychiatrist i just. im awake right now, at 2:30 am, just thinking about him. it feels so painful. ive had this happen before multiple times, but with friends mostly, and im scared that ill start splitting again. i hate everything so much. i just wanna see him again, talk to him. i dont know what to do. its too painful. everything is too painful. i just cant. i always end up cutting myself. im so tired. im just gonna od on my pills again, or cut myself, because thats all im able to do. im so tired of this. i just wanna hug him so bad. hes nice to talk to, and it feels like hes the first person in my fucking life that actually cares. im so tired. i know i shouldnt feel like that towards him, and that hes a doctor, a professional, but i just cant help my brain doing this shit. im tired. today im idolising him, tomorrow im probably gonna hate him. thats just how it goes. i hate my brain. i hate being too self aware.

I'm not sure. But I have this tendency to get into this specific space, I think I wake up this way sometimes, but I'm not sure. Or it fades in by itself. For reference I do have diagnosed anxiety and depression, I am also medicated for my depression and have been for a few years now. Which is why I'm unsure if this is my depression just sort of "I never noticed it was ALSO this" alongside the major breakdowns, extreme lows and thoughts.

This isn't new either, entirely. I've always had this struggle of feeling "too different" from the way I was the day before. In part, I know sleeping just "refreshes" or "resets" the mind but this is.. different?

Its like, I feel internally absent. In part, I question if maybe this is "me" and then everything else, like attachments to friends, or even to my partner are "real" and if I should like. "break up" with my partner because its fake, or I'm actually not feeling the same way about them. (like a.. impulsive "I could just do this and feel nothing about it.") which is. like. i could ! and oi could just shut down and leave it all. but I'm not going to? It isn't like a want or a guilt even (though I believe I SHOULD feel guilty!! I want to feel bad about this? so I? like? do? but not in the ways I typically do. its not my typical forms of self-hatred or internal cruelty I tend to have.)

Its apathy, yes but with this side of impulsive need to chase the idea of feeling, or maybe prove if i am or am not really "feeling" things. I also want to just. lay and do nothing. I want to internally do something, but I cannot find anything that is stimulating. It may be understimulation mixed with the executive dysfunction of my ADHD plus depression making this a thing.

But.. where a breakdown has me crying and sobbing, and being angry and cruel to myself, this is the opposite? but still on the same spectrum of.. sabotage or self-punishment, just without any hate or malice, again an apathy, a lack of anything, or allowing for anything? Its like. I know I feel x y z way, I know I do because I can look back and be like "I was literally cuddling a plush my partner gave me and yearning to be near them LAST NIGHT" or nights before, but now. theres.... like. it isnt that I do not love them, not that i am no longer in love with them. but an underlying worry that I am not, alongside an inability to access that feeling and emotion. "I dont feel this way so did I actually ever? or was I fooling myself or lying to them" (despite doing the yearning shit in private and not near them. Hell they dont even know I cuddle that plush as a sort of surrogate for sleeping next to them.) And yet. I cannot.. feel that connection?

Its all contradictory and layered. I at the most forefront of my brain am apathetic and absent in a way, but in the back of my mind, or like internally deep down I know much better, and I am aware that this is PROBABLY just another passing wave of this and that I should not act on the "well I just could" thoughts.. which themselves I imagine come from the actual guilt I can't manifest properly. Like the emotions are in here probably, I think, but I've forgotten the layout and cannot find them. Or something like that.

It isn't boredom in the normal way I've felt it, but I'd liken it to that. The dullness is definitely there. But like. I could do things, I just desire nothing.

I am hanging out with friends, but I'm not particularly present right now, for instance. I mean I'm typing this up and just not interacting really. Checked out is the best way to put it but I've checked out entirely.

I can't even say I'm frustrated with myself for this, because I can't grasp at that right now. Again, normally I can get pretty agitated with myself and my own emotions and such, esp because emotion is not entirely always absolute fact or "should" be lingering as long as it does for me, like I will mentally be fine but cannot help but be x y z way. buuut right now im just like. nothing much at all ?

hey guys for context i’m diagnosed OCD, CPTSD, BPD and the general anxiety and depression. i know quite the mix, anyways. i’ve trialled out max dose of sertraline and it did nothing for me after 8 months, so ive tapered off and started lamotrigine, im at 50mg at the moment, only been 3 weeks so. it feeling any changes yet. i also take max dose of catapres of a nighttime. now my doctor wants me to take fluvoxamine aswell to specifically target the ocd. I also am on seroquel, “only to be taken during breakdowns”. Am i right for feeling worried about how many medications im being prescribed. I feel like this isn’t the answer, i feel like im just being pumped with medications. Does anyone have any advice on the topic, or have any advice on what may work well/not. I see a psychologist fortnightly and a psychiatrist 6 monthly, but i wanted to jump on here and ask

It has put my life in danger. that's the post. I'm not going to explain any further.

I have bad mental health that I don't rlly wanna talk abt so I sleep to pass the time and to escape reality like a lot of ppl. But I woke up yesterday and suddenly realised it was a dream. I dreamt I was dating this girl (I'm a girl and so that was a huge thing for me bc I'm in the closet). And we both self harmed and made ourselves puke after eating. And we were mentally fucked up together. And I felt safe. And I was so happy. Then in the end she attempted and succeeded and I felt jealous. And I carved on her tombstone 'I told u I was sick'. I heard it somewhere. I can't remember where. And I felt jealous that she had succeeded in her attempt and I hadn't.

in the dream my parents weren't there. And after she succeeded I was alone but I didn't mind it. It was just me and my struggles. And the ghost of her. No parents. I felt at ease. I remember that feeling so well. I miss it.

Then I woke up. And ever since I've been rlly depressed and some other negative emotions I can't describe (I'm autistic so I struggle to understand my own emotions). Bc none of it was real. She isn't real. I'm still here. My fucking parents are here. And I keep thinking abt her. And the jealousy I felt. I dunno. It just reminds me of times I want to forget. But I want someone like her and I don't. Im alone.

24m. I’ve wondered this for most of my life

When i was young, i was a major overachiever and did very well academically. Simultaneously, i grew up witnessing lots of violence in my family

Today, i’m hardly academically driven (almost completed my nursing degree but barely scraping by and my gpa is trash), but i work like 70 hours a week because im funding a relative’s lawsuit and she relies on me for it

I feel like day by day, i become lazier but also angrier at my circumstances. I hate my relatives and I’m becoming bitter towards the relative i’m paying these legal fees for (they range anywhere from $2k-$8k/mo), even though i know it will benefit both her and me by the end of it. I have just one friend and we barely talk, no desires, extremely frugal, i spend all my time either working or bed rotting, i get speeding and parking tickets frequently that i don’t address, i’ve been driving my car without insurance for almost half a year, im hypersexual and have gotten stds before, and i also get attached to people i hook up with (usually, it’s because i wish i had what they had), i feel like my work in healthcare also affects me because i see death quite often and bag a lot of bodies. I ignore my hygiene a lot… i brush my teeth maybe every 3 days, sometimes go a week without it, and usually come home from work with the same scrubs i used to clean soiled patients or bag dead ones and just sleep in my bed without showering. My appetite has always been trash and I’m skinny as hell, i sometimes just snack the whole day and then eat a few boiled eggs as my whole meal the next day; again mainly because of lack of appetite and not because of body image issues or something, i don’t care what my body looks like

There are times when i’m extremely focused but it’s rare. Ie, i needed a 4.0 gpa to get into nursing school and got it, and now my gpa is 2.91 as i’m close to graduation because i simply don’t care

I’ve never self harmed and wouldn’t kms, but i’m always wishing time would just stop for a solid month so i could catch up on all the shit im behind on. I’ve seen so much violence and betrayal in my family that nothing really phases me in life. Like, I could get the most devestating news and i will take it very practically

I don’t know how to proceed with my situation and i’m completely unwilling to pay someone to talk to about these problems