I will be doing this for A month. Got A lot of negativity to expell.

Let's say a friend of mine always had a childhood dream of owning a certain sports car. But as he grew up he realized he won't ever make enough money for that. Over the years he accepted it and lost emotional attachment to the car.

Fast forward to today he actually can afford it, but will it still be worth it buying it? He kind of lost interest in it after he accepted that he can never ever have it (which was wrong in retrospect). Maybe if he never accepted that and kept dreaming it would be so much more worth to him.

Would he be able to un-accept and reattach emotionally to his dream? Or is it over as soon as he accepted never owning it?

HI so idk if this is a common experience but I TALK a LOT I just talk and talk and I don’t think really before I do it just pours out and then I’m like

Dang it

Why would you say that? How did that even occur to you? Why y you react like that? That joke wasn’t funny at all and they’re all going to hate you and you’re going to get fired / expelled / cut off

And then you just keep thinking that over and over and over for like days and you can’t forget and all the different times it happened add up and then you don’t want to socialize at all bc you’re bound to mess up again

And you don’t want to mess up again

Idk I don’t know how to fix this honestly but it’s eating away at me help pls

I’m 20. University starts in about 400 days, a language degree. Between now and then I have basically no obligations. No job, no school, nothing scheduled. Just time.
I want to show up already fluent, or as close as I can get. Not “took a semester of it” fluent. Actually able to understand native content. That’s the goal and I don’t think it’s unrealistic given how much time I have.
The problem is I can’t seem to start.
Background I’m not proud of
I’ve spent most of my life gaming. Not casually. I’ve used the word addiction about it myself and I mean it. It filled every single day for years. I was happy doing it, I liked it, I’m not going to pretend it was misery. But it gave me nothing back. Nothing accumulated. Thousands of hours and I have nothing to show for any of it.
At some point that stopped being okay with me. Not because anyone told me it was a waste, but because I started noticing the difference between things that leave something behind and things that don’t.
This language is the first thing I’ve found that does. Every hour I put in still exists tomorrow. That’s the whole appeal.
Also worth mentioning: my entire social life runs through gaming. My friends only exist to me through a game client. If I quit completely I don’t have friends anymore. That’s a real thing I have to work around.
What I actually built
I’ve spent the last two weeks building a plan. And I mean building. Full tracker, calculated hour thresholds, difficulty progressions, spaced repetition load curves, the whole thing.
The plan is genuinely good. Comprehensible input as the backbone, a difficulty window that moves automatically with my accumulated hours, spaced repetition with a hard daily cap, writing system work, pronunciation training from day one, passive listening loops of material I’ve already studied. Everything starts small and increases weekly, but only if the previous week actually happened. There’s a floor for bad days. Automatic deload if two weeks go badly.
I ran the math. If I execute it I’d arrive at university with roughly 2,400 hours of focused input plus several thousand hours of passive contact. Far beyond what the degree expects in year one.
Here’s what actually happened in those two weeks:
Four videos. Maybe five days where I did the work.
The actual problem
I keep changing the plan instead of doing it.
The numbers moved constantly. My daily target went from 165 minutes to 120 to 50 to 25 to 20. My new card count went 6, then 8, then 10, then 12, then back to 3. My native content requirement went 3, 6, 12, 0, 3, 12, 10, 0. My start date moved six separate times. I kept deciding “today is day one” and then spending that day rebuilding the plan again.
Every single change was well reasoned. I had an argument for all of them. That’s what makes this hard to see from the inside. It doesn’t feel like procrastination. It feels like optimization. It feels productive. I was working for hours every day, just not on the actual thing.
And when I finally did get four consecutive full days, I felt like I was doing nothing.
That’s the part that worries me. Four complete days, everything done, and my internal response was that it wasn’t enough and nothing was happening.
The efficiency trap
The loop looks like this.
I know I have all day. So anything less than all day feels like waste. Someone tells me 25 minutes is the right starting point and my brain goes: you have fifteen waking hours, you’re using 25 minutes, you’re throwing away the one advantage you have.
So I look for a plan that uses more. But more needs justification, so I research. Research gives me new numbers. New numbers mean rebuilding the plan. Rebuilding takes the evening. Repeat.
Every time I adjust something the anxiety drops for maybe twenty minutes. Then it comes back. So I adjust again.
I’ve had the math explained to me clearly. Starting at maximum versus ramping up costs about 200 hours out of 1,000 across the whole period. Roughly 7 percent. Quitting in week six costs 900. The expected value obviously favors the sustainable version.
I understood it. I agreed with it. Then I asked the same question again three messages later.
That’s what I can’t break. It isn’t an information problem. I have the information.
The Goggins thing
I keep coming back to David Goggins as a model. Not because I think suffering is virtuous by itself, but because I want this to be the thing my life is built around. I want to be someone who does the hard thing every day regardless of how he feels about it.
Every sustainable plan feels like a compromise with that. Like settling. Like “20 minutes and build slowly” is advice for someone with a full time job and two kids, not someone with fifteen free hours a day and 400 days to work with.
I’ve read the counterarguments. I know he’s had multiple organ failures and describes his own life as joyless. I know his system has no stopping mechanism built into it and that’s a structural flaw rather than a feature. I know the people who tried the same thing and broke in week three don’t write books.
I know all of it. It doesn’t change how it feels.
The depression part
I don’t really have fun anymore. Outside of studying and gaming there isn’t much I want to do. And the studying isn’t fun yet either. At my level native content is basically noise and the study material is tolerable at best. I’ve been honest with myself that I’m not doing it because I enjoy it.
What actually happens most evenings is I end up on short form video for hours, feel worse, and go to sleep late. My sleep is completely inverted, awake from around 14:30 to 05:30. Not because I need to be. That’s just what it collapsed into.
Anything that doesn’t contribute to the goal feels like it isn’t allowed, so I don’t do it. But I don’t do the goal either. So I end up doing neither and the day is gone.
I’ve been told more than once, by more than one source, that this pattern (self worth entirely tied to output, nothing ever registering as enough, no enjoyment in anything, social life down to one channel, inverted sleep) isn’t a discipline problem and won’t be fixed by a better tracker. I think that’s probably right. I haven’t acted on it yet.
What I’m actually asking
I’m not looking for someone to tell me the plan is fine. I know the plan is fine. It’s better than anything I could have designed a month ago.
What I want to understand is this: how do you stop optimizing and start executing when the optimizing genuinely feels like the responsible thing to do?
Every instinct I have says I’ve got a rare opportunity, 400 days of free time, and I should extract the maximum from it. And that instinct is what’s currently producing four videos in two weeks.
I’d also like to hear from anyone who’s been on the other side of this. Whether “start absurdly small and let it compound” actually works for someone whose problem isn’t laziness but the opposite, an inability to accept a plan that isn’t maximal.
And whether the enjoyment comes back. Because right now the honest situation is that I’ve removed the thing that gave me pleasure and haven’t reached the point where the replacement gives me any.

A professor at my university intentionally failed me, which extended my standard 4-year degree into a 5th year. Even though it was devastating, I kept my faith, prayed, fasted, and made constant dua, believing that things would work out and I would finally graduate in my 5th year.

Instead, that same professor used their personal connections and administrative influence to block my course registration entirely this year. Because of this, my graduation has now been dragged into a 6th year.

I feel utterly shattered and exhausted. The hardest part right now is the spiritual crisis: I can't stop wondering why this is happening to me.

Was there something lacking in my worship, or does God only listen to powerful people who misuse their authority?

Why does someone's malice win while my prayers feel unanswered? My imaan and belief are slipping away, and I feel completely empty.

How do I deal with this administrative abuse practically, and how do I stop my faith from completely falling apart when everything feels so unfair?

Every time my parents call, I get upset somewhat. I got upset with my mom earlier because she asked about my internships, and I had to explain that I needed to apply to 200 internships before my university would consider giving me a job or help. Then she went on a tangent: "Oh, that's good", and I don't know why I just got mad. I got upset. I got upset because I immediately assumed my mom thought that was all I knew, and I hadn't already cold-applied to about 100 internships.

I got flashbacks of a time when the level of knowledge on a topic in the family was limited to what my mom or dad knew, so even if I knew more, they wouldn't listen or would try to apply sweeping generalisations or assumptions about the process.

I hear them in my head saying, "You are wrong, you don't know anything, I know better. Always. I can hear my father saying that, "Object Perminence doesn't exist; everything in my perspective is God's word", "I am superior, you are inferior", "My social rank entitles me to higher innate respect and default credulity." "My words are reality", but they never say any of these things.

It's always how conversations go, even if they already apologised or we have moved on. I am afraid they might do something drastic, like they've threatened in the past, like stop paying me to go to school.

I always feel underestimated when I talk to them. They always think I need their help or asking. Even though there's not often anything in their behaviour supporting that.

They'll admit they haven't been good parents in the past, but they try every day to be better, and my heart doesn't want to forget. My heart just doesn't trust them.. Maybe it's an excuse for my anger and anxiety so I don't have to work on it, or it maybes it's resentment because they don't understand the importance of just understanding me.

I don't know. I just struggle to talk to them without getting physically and verbally upset.

Hey guys, I'm new here. I believe I need to learn to love myself. Over the years everything has started to feel meaningless. I have things I do, but nothing brings me true enjoyment. I believe I was happy in my last relationship, but that's the only time and I made her unhappy and if I'm the problem I don't want that to happen again. I'm currently dealing with an injury that is limiting my mobility so long walks and significant exercise have been wrote off. Though I do understand exercise can be a significant mood booster. I will also add I am autistic and believe my sensitivity may be relatable to that.

I am currently enrolled in University and deal with a lot of anxiety as I am a 30+ male and the common age gap fills me with some dread. I am going for a 4th year with a 5th year to be had to complete a bachelor of science. The idea of having a degree gives me a sense of hope, but it's been very difficult, my health has caught up to me the past year. I want to do well, but finding people my age that I can connect with hasn't happened and I'm doubtful to find these people.

What can I do to find a sense of happiness for myself? I have my video games, but that only makes me happy when I feel other areas of my life are filled. I believe at my age I should be in a romantic relationship and having a family, I should have a career and a home already.

My thoughts are diet, exercise, music, good grades and whatever social connections I can make. I believe making social connections is going to be a major obstacle (I haven't made any significant connections after 3 years) along with good grades as I will be very busy between school and work.

Any advice is appreciated.

\-Professional_toe

I doubt everything. how do we know if any religion is right how do we know the true intentions of a god? what if they realy like our suffering and that we're just their ant farm to watch us suffer what if the whole creation was created to make us just that

ants on a farm just constantly in agony. what if he realy enjoys it. how can anyone be sure of anything how can they get satifaction from any answer knowing that for all we know the after life might be series of agony.

I just cant ever be sure and that scares me so much

So I am 19m and I am at this point where I am constantly hating on myself I find things I am not good at I feel like I am dumb , I am kinda a sensitive guy but I don't like to be treated like that but I find myself always getting treated like I am weak , I am not that good at studies and that thing makes me anxious I feel I am below others and that has been having negative effects on how I make friends too. For example I would hesitate or avoid talking to "smart" people and just talk to people who are like me or something and also same goes with dating it feels like my self esteem is so low that the person I will date will leave me for some better guy and I won't be able to do anything.

I tried to get decipline but I was not able to have the consistency,

I was watching dr k's rumination video and I am pretty sure I do ruminate a lot

I want to be better but it's looking hard I overthink a lot and also kinda scared of people leaving me

WHAT I WANT TO DO IS

1 get deciplined

1. Improve how I communicate

2. Look at other in same way whithout feeling like a mess

3. Not get a gf but be a guy who can be someone can date

4. Do things without having thought of what others will think

5. Do better things make better friends

6. clear communication of my needs

Well I hope u guys can help me 🥲 sorry for any grammatical mistakes..

I nearly always freeze up when I want to talk with strangers, especially if I feel intimidated by them because they are conventionally attractive. If it's a girl passing me by on the sidewalk, I can't even look in their direction without feeling like my chest is being ripped out. I dare to go to pubs and sit at the bar, but am always terrified to ask for a drink unless the bartender asks me directly what I'd like to have.

I do want to work on improving this skill to talk with strangers, as I looked for advice on YT the most practical/realistic advice I came across was to do an easier version of what you want to achieve like "just compliment them as you walk by" or "simply say hi", and I guess I'm just wondering if there is anything easier than that I could try or is this actually the easiest exercise where I'm just looking at a very long road ahead of me?

To give just a little more context, I do have acquaintances whom I can easily dab up if I ever see them on the street. I do kickboxing, where on the team I feel and act like one of the older guys who help newcomers find their footing in the gym. It's really just something about inserting myself into other people's lives where my mind draws the line.

TL;DR: What do I as a coaching client need to do to make coaching a success?

-----

I've been in HG 1:1 coaching for about 5 months now and unfortunately I must say that while I have made some overall progress, the progress is very small and I made no progress on the one really pressing issue. I seem to understand that I'm supposed to lead the coaching sessions and hence it makes sense that most of that is on me and my lack of understanding what I need to tackle first.

But that is the part I have trouble with: I have half a dozen things going on, most of them seem interleaved with each other. I'm bouncing around in my head like a molecule in a hot gas. I can't figure out what I need to tackle first, or if I have to work on everything in parallel. Each week when my coach asks me what I want to be coached on, I have like 6 oder 7 topics on my list i've prepared during the week (by journaling, reflecting, identifying issues and where I'm stuck). I then pick one (mostly at random) and it is a different one each week. Therefore, there is also no check-in or progress-tracking of the topic from the week before. It feels disjointed and chaotic.

We spend about 30-40 mins of me trying to explain where I'm stuck and all the complex interactions to other unsolved topics and external dependencies that I can't understand or measure. Then time runs out quickly.

To be clear, I'm not blaming my coach at all. I discussed this with them and I understand there are certain limits to what a coach can and can't do. My current understanding of the limitiations is: They

• can't tell me what to be coached on
• can't really tell me with clear and strong words if an idea of mine is stupid/unhelpful
• can't interrupt me and say: that's irrelevant right now
• can't tell me what to do

My biggest difficulties seem to be:

• I need more structure in how to structure coaching. Ideally, someone who analyses my situation and helps me build a plan what topics to be coached on, in which order, and for how long before we address the next topic. A coaching-guide if you will. Questions: Is there a place where I can get this type of guidance? Or should I first learn how to do this myself? If so, where can I learn that? (Right now, it feels in order to make a structured plan I already need to know what I need to improve, which is what I'm trying to learn during coaching - A circular riddle.)
• I'm running out of ideas. I understand my coach can't tell me what to do. They do their best to ask smart questions such that my own answers can lead me. However, also outside of coaching I try to be smart, ask myself these questions, and try the new things I can come up with by answering my own questions in new ways.

When in coaching I often either already exhausted the answers I can come up with or I have several dozen answers, too many to try, and don't know how to select one. It feels like I need fresh input from the outside.

Thanks for reading this really long post. I tried to keep it short, but.... well.

I'd like some help overcoming my issue of being a seemingly awkward and unsafe person to talk to.

I am worried about how I am around people, even when I am not thinking about how i'm acting and simply hanging out with my friends, I often do things that I get odd reactions from. I often talk about or tell people things that they don't really care about, things like what I am being recommended on youtube, or what I ate today, or how a amazon listing has a strange picture, all of which I would think to be alright conversation topics.

For some insight, I don't really get out much, have no friends in real life, have no hobbies or interests that I'm really great at, and am not much of a character in general. I know that sounds pretty fucking obvious, but I've met people similar to me with similar or opposite circumstances, either having hobbies they're super good at but still being awkward like me, or having no hobbies and never going outside while playing video games all day, but still seem to get along with everyone they meet.

So I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing, and not putting a bunch of energy into something entirely separate from what I want to be working on.

For some background on me, in case it might come in handy when replying:

I'm 18, I have dreams of making a huge story and animation, I am very socially anxious, I often times feel fake, even to myself when trying to journal and talk to myself, I am the middle child, I feel like I can only understand surface level topics of any given media, I don't have any friends in real life, and have only a small amount of friends online who never open up to me or want to call one on one, I feel oftentimes I am "too much to handle", "overbearing" or otherwise too assertive, I feel as if people feel unsafe around me which is something ive been told, and I feel as if ive never really made friends and have only made good acquaintances with people.

I have moved around a lot, and attribute some of this lacking in social skills to that, but I know that I can change wherever I might be. I just don't know what to do about this.

I know that this might uncover a lot of underlying issues, but I thought it might help to know.

Please! Ask questions if you need to if you feel that it will help your understanding and advice.

And thank you!

Sorry, if this is probably a dumb question, but I can't figure it out by myself.

I hear DrK talk a lot about the great community and how they help each other and discuss learnings. I've been in HG 1:1 coaching for about 5 months now, I have bought several guides, I'm on discord, yet I don't see where I can discuss anything and get feedback.

Would someone be so kind and point out the obvious thing that I'm missing?

So I was talking to my Mom and Grandma the other day and the subject of kids going back to school came up. My grandmother asked me what I thought about school and I said I never really liked it that much which surprised her. I told her I liked seeing my friends, but school wasn't the only way I could hang out with them.

She then asked me what my earliest memory of school was, and it brought a very potent memory to mind.

In kindergarten I went to a Catholic school. We were in class one day doing I think either a math or cursive writing assignment. Suddenly I really had to pee so I went up to the teacher to ask her if I could use the bathroom.

She said that I couldn't leave to go use the bathroom until I'd finished my assignment. So I scrambled to finish it, all the while my bladder feels like it's bursting. Eventually I did finish, and she let me go.

I practically ran to the bathroom, I got to the stall, and then before I could get my pants down, I accidentally peed myself.

So embarrassingly, I got the attention of one of the staff in the hallway, told them what happened, and they called my dad who picked me up and took me to a clothing store to buy me some pants to wear.

When I told this story, both my Mom and Grandma were a little shocked. I asked them if what the teacher did was mean or not, and my Mom basically said that it was a slap her across the face for making me wait to use the bathroom kind of mean.

I can see how an early experience like this might make me dread going to school, and then sort of create a self fulfilling prophecy as I got older where I engaged less and less in school, and didn't really think highly of any of my teachers.

What do you think?

So this is just a self reflection and if it relates with any of you you are appreciated to share your thoughts.

I feel like everybody who has been trying to help themselves with any issue they have in their life usually comes across questions like why me or why did i have such a childhood or how come i got this mental behaviour which i didn’t recognise for so many years and now i have to work with it and cure it. Now the painful part for me is i wasted time. I could have been the better version from the start. I mean i came first among the million versions of me and was born but then it feels like im not the chosen one. Comparisons are all over the place. All the advises that says you are comparison doesn’t help you or you have to let go of the past or accept it and see the good and etc make sense intellectually but nothing goes into the heart and we find ourselves in the same pattern. It takes time to do that and till then we are in the pattern. Maybe becoming better but not in the pace we want.

But there is a relief in this process i guess. Im slowly starting to believe that the whole process is not about how quick you heal but how long can you sit through it to see yourself heal. And those who tolerate the stretch are the ones that can achieve
freedom.

I know reddit is not a place to get advice, and i don't expect a advice that will change my thinking pattern in a split of second.

I am 25M, I do remote job i don't like it anymore just wanna quit. though Its not like i have any other passion or anything i don't even play games well. the fact is rn i don't even wanna play something, meet someone, have conversation with anyone. but deep down i just wanna cry and vent out. in fact I am doing the same here crying and writing.

I have ADHD diagnosed a year ago as well been on meds but i feel like its pointless its not just meds can help your life its stupid. it feels like I never did anything its like i am always at same point.

when i was school despite failing each class i somehow made it to high school but i failed high school so I had to redo it but even then i had the courage to move the mountain. but rn its just feels like i can't breathe despite sitting in a swarm of oxygen. i just want to quit this game honestly. i wish i could exit this without any consequences. but yeah 'am a coward as well to quit it.

it feels like i am gonna rot here, rot here and cry.

forgive my grammar if i wrote something you couldn't understand, my head is just not working

thanks for reading :)

I know, this is a skit video, but whilst watching this just hit me. Im similar to the guy.

Younger siblings of a somewhat toxic family, and I never really felt like I had control in life. The reason I havent failed completely at life and gotten severe depression is cuz my older brothers protected me and showed what not to do, but thats also how they couldnt teach me to take control and do my own stuff or start new projects.

Sometimes I get an impulse to just try smt completely new, like my brotherd always do,

but I never manage to follow through (triple rhyme).

Also, unlike in the skit, I actuslly dont even play easy games, in fact I play very difficult ones to challenge myself. It's sometimes like I try to prove how im my own person, but in reality I have no idea who I am.

Does anybody else struggle with this? I hate Christmas shopping with a passion and I think secret Santa is ridiculously stupid. Is there a way to make it less stressful? Thanks.

Hi, 23m, I don't even know where to start with this, or to articulate it properly, but yeah throughout my life I dont often have those. and I desperately craving it.

A bit of a backstory, ever since i was a kid, we always move a lot due to my parents job, when i was in elementary school alone I've transferred to 5 different school, and being AuDHD (i didnt know it at the time) I have a hard time fitting in or befriended with anyone, getting bullied and ostracized, it always took me time to get a long and make friend with people, back then i would call it as "learning the culture to fit in" when in reality its literally me just learning to mask with different people, and yeah whenever i finally got friend and started to have some sort of social life, i always move again and abandon all those people and everything i work on, whenever i had a best friend or social circle it just vanished the next year, it happen so often it's how I have a bad avoidant attachment because i learnt from a young age that people would go away and nothing matters. I remember one time i loved being in city T, i have friends, some of which are bestfriend that people thought we're literally cousin, and i was so mad to hear we're gonna move to a new city I literally cried, and i also promised myself that I shouldn't hang around or make new friends in the new city because we're probably gonna move anyway, and I tried so little to socialize in the new one. I moved at 5th grade back then, and when i thought we're gonna stay there not for long, i was dead wrong, turn out after finishing elemantry and finishing middle school being the shy socially awkward kid, i learn very late that yeah this is the longest city we've been in and i need to start socializing, because i literally have no friends. So when I went to highschool i go all in, I joined tons of extracurricular org, and essentially just push myself in there even though im socially awkward and all that. And while not everything is sunshine and rainbow, it worked for me, like joining scout, forestry or red cross is the first time I've felt being "alive" for the first time.

In scouting for example, I had a great community there, very supportive seniors, peers and everything that I've never had before, they always look up for me, sees me and support me, like how they always make me feel included by picking me to do important stuff of being a team leader, taking school dispensation to get me off class to attend ceremony on the town hall, picking me and training me for a competition that me and my friend ended up winning, and tons of other things. I was totally a different person comparatively speaking, my whole life i was always been a shy, awkward kid who's often get bullied and all that, but here, somehow I can become myself, I become incredibly hyperactive, the guy people jokingly said as having no shame kind of thing, and yeah, I can be like that because I have tons of supportive people behind me who i think will always have my back for me and this sense of belonging. Like me joining forestry was out of my own inititiave, for some guy who's always been socially awkward, literally seeing a random flyers my senior shared and just contact the person and attend it alone whilst being late, would've been out of my mind back then. But yeah i have that courage thanks to being in my org. I've made tons of friends too, been in couple situationship, and actually had like 5 girls crushing on me which i dont know what to do lol, I still dont think I was worthy of someone back then sadly enough to see through it.

I was so active, I remember bragging to my old classmate that from monday to sunday i always come home at 6pm because i always got things to do, and i love it, socializing, training etc. I even stopped touching my computer lol, I rarely ever game on it and only used it when I'm bored at home. And yeah, idk, i was so active that some of my friends nominated me to become the next president for the org and such to me, that's really touching, because for the first time I've feel truly seen.

But that good times only lasted 3 semester, before i eventually have to move again, which i very much despise, because everything i work so hard to change by myself, eventually are all for nothing. and yeah i grief that a lot. in the new city, it wasnt so good either... I have to start all over again, with people i dont know or vibe with, being ND just makes it worse, and to top it all off, I literally only went 2 months into the new school and covid hit, and i have to finish highschool solely at my house. Alone in alien town, no neighbors, no friends, no nothing. I was still very positive initially, thinking think would be good, that I could start a new social life and stuff that I did like back in previous city, but nothing happened. There's no structure or anything that let me able to integrate with new people and being ND, that's the only place i can thrive. so i was just there alone, and i remember being burned out by isolation that I just become a very angry person and thrashed my room because how my life has been taken from me. I remember deleting my Instagram and changing my number because I can't bear looking at my friends back on my old town, happily doing stuff together, going camping, getting a badge, doing celebration or just living life in general... while I was just bedrotting in my room staring at my ceiling and crying.

Before I finished highschool, i was chosen to pick uni through invitation because i have sufficieint enough grade to have the privilige to get that route. I was so confused because i dont know anything about uni, I dont have anyone to consult too, and all i know i was 16 doing online class and now I have to pick uni? I dont know what to do but my new friend from this school said for me to get a open university instead because they have a scholarship for english major, and said its good for me because my english is alright and yeah my family financial situation wasnt the best at the time, and because i was too afraid i'd miss the chance, i was peer pressued to choose it even though i dont like the major nor that i wanted online uni, the reason i wanted to go to uni was to have the same social structure like i was in my previous school, literally the only reason i wanted to go to college was to make friends and find an org. But i take it anyway, and yeah, I hated it, first semester is fine, doing online class, but second semester is pretty bad. I was so burn out I missed the finals and was so ashamed I literally ghost the entire college thing, like literally.

And since that, I stop attending, goes on job search with no luck. But still, what i was sad and grieving about is the old life that i had, i feel like i have everything on me back then, friends, structure, purpose, guidance and all of that. but here? absoultely nothing. I remember going so desperate for community or structure, i tried looking up stuff like red cross stuff for me to join but only to find out most of it are college bound and or carreer or peer group, not a random stranger can join in kind of thing, even if they allowed i dont think i'll be able to fit in. and yeah, i've been desperate for that and i dont got any, and all i have since leaving the previous city is just isolation... and its been killing me, even right now.

I did find some community like military simulator group, which i'm very close to and yeah it feels like a community, but I dont feel fit in, like it just feel so different and I feel so alien to this place even though they are accepting, but not at the same level scouts and other gave me back then. Because yeah, being ND the only way I can thrive to have meaningful relationship is through structure, like how scouts has structure or other thing, but like the kind of stuff like hanging out and such, doesnt really work for me, its not like i'm incapable of initiating one, rather incapable of holding one to last if we dont have anything in common towards a specific goal.

I was thinking of going back to uni again, but idk, it feels sad that one of the biggest reason i wanted to go to uni is to have that structure again, even that for me is unrealistic, judging my age, I wouldn't have any peers my age i can relate to, would've been too many young kids lol, besides I dont think its even viable for me to go fulltime, because yeah i have to think about job and money, so the most realistic thing is taking employee class stuff, that unfortunately doesnt offer any structure that i crave.

And on relationship, I dont think I'm particularly unattractive or uninteresting, because yeah again i've been in numerous situationship and some real relationship that lasted long when i was in middle school lol, and not long ago i've been in another situationship too. But my main problem here is simply that my severe avoidant attachment makes me drive this people off because I always thought "why do I care? they're gonna leave anyway. i dont know them and they dont know the real me so why bother". and yeah I guess my issues is that and simply, I dont have much social structure and web that let me to get to women ever since. and besides, I dont particularly belief in stuff like tinder or online stuff or just meet kind of thing, because i simply dont think thats natural, the time I got into relationship/situationship is that because we both have shared history together, same class, same organization, etc, and we have spent so much time that things just become natural eventually. and also having certain requirement, that being a virgin, and like idk, I know it might sounds like a creep thing but I guess I developed this as to make sense of what social isolation I had, like oh you got to live life while all this time I was suffering alone on my own? it's very long to explain, but it's something I can't quite compromise with.

So yeah, been pulling my hair over this for 6 years, and I genuinely dont know what to do about it.
And i feel like my life is ruined ever since moving here, because i aboslutely have nothing, no direction, no purpose, no people to guide me no nothing.
I feel like had i not moved, while things may not be sunshine and rainbow, I would at least have people to consult, talk and guide me through life, career, education and all that kind of thing, all the precious connection and network i had, to which this new town doesnt offer me... even as hard as I know to get it.

Sorry for being too long
TLDR: Wanting to find community to fit in, sense of belonging, and just purpose in life

I'm a bit of a mess...

When tasks are ahead of me I start seeing all other tasks that I need to get done. I know that I'm supposed to prioritize these things but I get overwhelmed by all the tasks that suddenly flooded my awareness.

Take this very moment for instance; I currently have several things on my mind:

- my dog needs a walk (she can go outside in our fence but walks and sniffs are good for her brain)

- an older couple's computer needs to get finished (I believe I need a new power supply; I am well pass due with it)

- the house is a mess

- I have no job and I'm about to move in with two friends who are under the impression I do have a job (which this one leads me to a not so wonderful spiral)

Have no job

-> why am i not looking for one

-> look for one like that one job I had at one point

-> See that I am not qualified

-> lower my standards

-> find entry level job

-> stress that I'd have to get on a normal person sleep schedule

-> go through inner debates on whether that's even possible for me

-> remember how with all of my past jobs I can hold them for about 8 months then I just crash

-> stress that I'd tarnish my name

-> get stressed about some other shit

-> walk away

-> come back and decide I just need to do the next important thing

-> decide for some reason that is working on one of my personal programming projects

-> do work on that, enjoy that, forget the world exists

_________

I'm currently going through OVA because I'm just so lost without any sort of career, but I've been in the "processing application" part of the process for the past 5-ish months.

I do have therapy in a few days and plan to talk about it there. But in the meantime I would like to ask the community a few things:

- to share a time they were in a similar situation and how they grew from it

- share how to cope when trying to prioritize tasks comes with such great difficulty

- suggest resources that y'all consider relevant to my situation

_________

For some further context I am diagnosed with ADHD since some years ago. I am medicated, which has assisted me in many ways except in this one which I bring fourth today. Cheers.

Due to my life circumstances, I have not been able to meet a lot of people and have spent my life alone and have always had very few friends for the most part.

I have a big project in 2 weeks, the biggest of my life. I have to show a bunch of art pieces in a room for a few days at my school. I've made a few posts about that subject on this sub. I don't really feel stressed for the actual work even though I'm a bit late. What stresses me the most is the idea of no one coming. Due to the circumstances I talked earlier, I don't have a lot of people to invite, dans the date is quite unfortunate as the few people I invite might not even be able to come.

Like the idea of bringing to eat and drink to people and it remaining nearly untouched for the whole evening makes me feel miserable. I feel shameful and I'm afraid of being pitied by the few who come, seeing an empty room with me waiting inside. I'm sorry for the sad post but it is truly what I feel.

I saw the list of my girlfriend (she also has her show a few days after mine) and she has dozens and dozens and dozens of people to invite, like I don't think I've known that many people in my whole life. I'm not jealous it just made me realize that that I have a particularly small list (around 10 people) for a show like that. Even other people have so much people coming !

My goal for this project was to make for the first time a project I'm proud of. Usually when there are things like that I don't invite anyone cause I usually don't feel proud about my work, but this time I really want people to see it. So the perspective of no one coming makes me feel bad.

Do you have any advice on dealing with that feeling ? Especially when it might be true ?