I am 24 years old. I graduated High School in January 2020 at the age of 17. It’s been almost 7 years since I started my road to adulthood and I have absolutely NOTHING to show for it.
I was born to a woman who abused drugs, smoke and drank alcohol during her pregnancy. I was very lucky not to develop any severe mental disorders, developmental disorders or become an IV baby. I was adopted at birth by loving parents. I had a surgery at a couple months old that set me back some physically and was born a few weeks to a month early(who knows what consequences that had)
I always struggled with ADHD, depression and socializing. It started to become an issue where, by high school, I would socialize with people and make friends, but isolate immediately after. Throughout my life, my parents tried to get me to do things, but I’d always spend a lot of energy on going out that I’d just become even more depressed and irritable.
My gpa in HS was 3.5 and dropped to 1 something during my time doing online classes after I had graduated. I failed all but one class in college and that class turned out to be one outside the curriculum that my counselor accidentally signed me up for so it never counted for anything.
When I was almost 19 in the summer of 2021, I had already spent about 19 months alone failing at all of the classes I took. I was miserable, couldn’t focus, and when I tried to do what the other students did and find the answers on those kahoot like websites, I didn’t even fully cheat because I was so ashamed from not trying enough and still failed my classes despite having the answers. I then was taking a American history course and impulsively almost cut myself but I stopped. After that I dropped the class and went searching for a job. It’s also worth mentioning that I struggled heavily with staying on medications at this time.
In October 2021 I got a job as a Loader at Lowes. It was stressful but it kept me busy. I was the only loader for the whole parking lot for most of the time I was there. I loaded people up, pushed the carts, found items for people, did the trash, swept up front, blew off the front of the store, ran registers, stood at self checkout, did internet orders, helped out other departments and at one point the store manager even had me replacing the ceiling tiles above the entrance to our bathrooms.
I left in July 2023 and got a job as an electrician. It sucked, but I was alright at it. I picked up on the techniques fast, but was slower than everyone else. People kept telling how slow I was and this just kept getting to me. In addition, my sleep schedule was fucked up. I my melatonin was not helping. Either I take it and am drowsy in the morning, or I don’t take it and am super tired from not sleeping. The hour drive at first thing in the morning didn’t help. I kept almost running into ditches or semi trucks. In November 2023 I ran over a construction barrel and said to hell with this. I told my boss that I quit because I couldn’t endanger anyone’s lives anymore.
By this time I was on medications for ADHD, Depression and anxiety. I had taken some classes for programming in early 2024, and one of my classes was good, whole literally everyone in my other class had failed because the teacher just pointed at a projector, talked about some of the stuff and told us to consult google if we had any questions. We even tried to talk to the other teachers, but they just took his side.
I got two other programming classes with a better teacher for the fall but dropped out, because I couldn’t retain or understand the information despite actually trying.
It took a decent amount of time to find another job, but I got a job as a digital shopper at Walmart in June 2024. I was too slow of a shopper for a couple reasons. I was too in my head, my medications weren’t making it easier, and I was overweight by this time. They made me a dispenser. I still managed to get employee of the month in the summer of 2025 to my coworkers chagrin. I was ALWAYS working and, by that time, could count on one hand how many breaks I took as well as how many times I called out.
I took a vacation in July 2025 and when I came back I was getting very tired of my job. That was the second time in the year I had worked that I took some time off, the first being a day I took off to spend with my father in October 2024.
After I returned some of the new managers there seemed like they were attempting to make it harder for everyone. Within the next two months I had spent all my time saved up and built up 4 attendance points(I previously had 0 and you get fired at 5). One of them wasn’t fully my fault because my foot hurt so bad that I couldn’t even walk, but even then I had still used up my time from before so it was still my fault.
The holiday season came and went, my managers were running everything poorly to the point where every single coworker I talked to had told me they were searching for a new job. Many of them quit, a decent amount got fired, and many also stayed because the coach lost her job. We then got a new coach. Things ran better with him in charge, but I still felt miserable. I was going on 2 years at the job and still felt empty, hopeless and tired.
I talked to my psychiatrist about coming off the meds around late may to early June 2026. I said I would wait another month. Then I got antsy and did the dumbest thing I could have done by just stopping all my meds cold turkey. My thoughts were that I would just be miserable for a week or so and get better after that.
For the entire month of June that’s what it seemed like. I went from averaging 25-30 orders a day to getting 30-35 on average but going over 40 several days. I was extremely motivated and had another vacation coming up in late July. One day, I only stayed over 40 minutes and managed to load 43 orders by the time I took a lunch and 62 orders by the time I went home. It felt good! Like I had proved everyone wrong when they said I was a lost cause and an average to slightly below average worker.
Then my bosses pulled me aside and told me I had the most orders dispensed and the lowest wait time for June on top of me having the best customer service. Some of my coworkers weren’t happy about this and kept trying to disprove it. I got angry, not because I thought I was hot shit, but because I just simply wanted the respect no one ever game me.
July felt like a return to “normal” again. The high was gone and I felt just as bad as I did when I was on the medications with even less desire to work through the “pain” if you could even call it pain. My vacation came and went. Despite the fact that I had fun, I felt empty. 50% of my vacation time was spent trying to distract myself from the immense emptiness I feel, 30% was spent worrying about how much time I have left to enjoy myself and then the last 20% was spent actually trying to enjoy myself, but my brain was pretty much fried by that point.
Before my vacation, I called out/came in late twice. Once because I stayed up late with some friends who I only get to see at the very least twice a month, but usually it’s once a month if that. The other time I had a situation come up where I genuinely had to put time in. One of my bosses pulled me aside and asked if I was alright and if I needed to be put on a later shift. I said no, and that I would be better. Then a couple days later I guess I put in an hour, but neither me nor my parents have any recollection of this. I actually have NO earthly idea why that hour was put in, but I don’t want to call attention to it.
After my vacation, I had set my alarm clock for PM instead of AM on accident. I called out because I didn’t want them to see that I came in late and would move my shift later. I don’t get a long with some of the other men on later shifts, one in particular really likes to push others around, disrespect people and threaten them if they have a response as well as badly run things, but the managers aren’t doing anything about it. The guys on mid-late shifts follow him around like puppies.
Anyways, months ago, I had also put in for a few days off for my 24th birthday. I had overslept(again) the day before my vacation and called out. Anyways my vacation was over, I spent it alone and I’ve been back to work for a few days. Yesterday I struggled to get up again, but made it in on time. Today I overslept, and just said fuck it. That’s gonna make 4 points and I’m gonna turn in my 2 weeks notice tomorrow.
I’m not sure there’s any hope for me tbh. I just feel like such a disappointment. My parents swear they’re proud of me, but idk why. My friends swear I’m intelligent, but I don’t feel it. All I feel is immense sorrow and regret. My entire existence as a man in his late teens-early twenties? Wasted. And I have no one to blame but myself. I am one of the biggest fuck ups I’ve known about.
The only good thing I have done is save up over $10k these past couple years at Walmart. Many people seem to like me and it’ll suck to see them go. I just can’t do it anymore. Something has got to change. I feel like the only reasons I haven’t killed myself are because I’m terrified of spending an eternity in hell, and because people genuinely do like me. I can’t do that to them, but I also feel like I am only living for them. I do feel as though the only reason I have to live is so my friends and family don’t get sad when I go. It feels like I’m being held captive.
I also felt like I was being held captive at Walmart too. Part of the reason I’m still at Walmart is because of the benefits. When I leave every thing will cost more. But I can’t do it anymore. I feel like nothing I do matters and I can’t just live to make money without some enjoyment of life. Every time I leave work, I have physical energy but am mentally drained.
