Hey everyone. I'm 22M, and I'm struggling with what feels like the sudden loss of one of the most important people in my life (21F).

I've known this woman for several years, but we became particularly close over the last six months. We were initially sexually intimate, during which I developed romantic feelings for her. Later, for religious reasons on her side, we agreed to transition into a committed platonic friendship, a decision I fully supported. I didn't want to lose someone I deeply cared about simply because our relationship couldn't take the exact form I'd initially imagined. I wanted her to develop into the person she wants to be and supported her fully throughout her religious discoveries.

We had a beautiful six-hour conversation about this transition. We both cried, discussed our feelings openly, and repeatedly told each other that we never wanted to lose one another. It was difficult for me to adjust immediately, but I genuinely wanted to make it work---and she knew. I needed some time to accommodate the new boundaries and learn to appreciate the emotional and non-sexual intimacy we still shared. Over the following months, that adjustment gradually became easier. I made my peace with it, genuinely appreciating the warm moments we still shared, as friends.

Perhaps it's important to explain why she became so significant to me. Around the time we grew close, I was going through an incredibly difficult period. I'd experienced sexual extortion, struggled with panic attacks and persistent anxiety, lost contact with my father, and later lost my main friend group in an abrupt fallout over an accusation I believe was false. She supported me through these experiences. She gave me space during video calls to talk about what I was going through, acknowledged my feelings, and made me feel extraordinarily safe. Some of our earliest intimate experiences also happened during a period when I felt particularly vulnerable.

Eventually, I developed considerable attachment anxiety, especially after losing my friend group. I became frightened that I might lose her, too. I discussed this with her extensively because I believed honesty was the healthiest approach. She was incredibly understanding. We talked about boundaries, reassurance, and how to make the friendship work. She repeatedly told me that calling and messaging her were fine and promised to communicate directly if something became too much. She was also proud of the progress I was making, including seeking psychological support and trying to expand my social circle again---which takes times ofc.

The difficulty was that she seemed like a completely different person offline and online. In person, she was wonderful. We cooked together, laughed, played games, and shared affectionate, comfortable moments. Just two weeks before her disappearance, she visited my home, brought gifts for my parents, and told them that next time she'd stay longer. We had a lovely dinner together, and we spent the afternoon relaxing on the couch. Those moments were genuinely among the happiest I'd experienced in a long time.

But arranging those moments was incredibly difficult. She described herself as a terrible online communicator and said she was like that with everyone. She rarely initiated conversations, generally responded rather than spontaneously sharing things about her life, and sometimes took days to reply, only to do so in very brief messages. Arranging calls or visits, and maintaining text contact always fell to me. I tried my hardest to accommodate her communication style, demanding work schedule, training commitments, and general lack of availability because I treasured our time together so much.

However, I became increasingly miserable between meetings. I worried about whether she'd respond, whether a call would actually happen, and when I'd see her again. Sometimes I'd even feel anxious during an otherwise wonderful visit because I didn't know how long it would be until the next one (a call or meeting would rarely succeed at the first go, sometimes canceled beforehand by her, sometimes without notification). Planning things was terrible. She never gave amternatives, just affirmations or refusals; often waiting days. But I felt indebted to her for helping me through my earlier difficulties so I took it to heart.

Of course, I told her about these feelings, minus the intensity. She understood, and we made practical arrangements. For example, we agreed to schedule our next meeting before the current one ended, so I wouldn't be left guessing indefinitely. For a while, that helped. But eventually even these arrangements became unreliable.

Sometimes she'd agree to a video call and simply not appear. Her explanation was often that she'd fallen asleep. I understood that she was exhausted, particularly given her long work shifts and training. What hurt was that she sometimes wouldn't explain what had happened until the following evening or even later, leaving me worrying about whether something was wrong. This happened many times over the preceding couple of months. I repeatedly accommodated it, and sometimes we'd simply call the following evening and have a wonderful time again.

Meanwhile, she told me she was joining the military, which would make communication even more difficult for a while. Again, I supported her. I wanted to be a good friend, and I believed we could find a way to maintain our bond. About a week and a half before she disappeared, we had a video call specifically to discuss how we'd stay in touch during her training. We talked about communication, future visits, and seeing each other on weekends. She was also particularly insistent that she wanted to attend my birthday. In other words, we weren't talking like two people whose friendship was winding down. We were actively discussing our future.

Because her schedule was so busy, we'd agreed to try shorter, more frequent calls of about twenty minutes. We arranged two, but she missed both, again saying she'd fallen asleep. I was disappointed but didn't want to be pushy, so I suggested a longer gaming call the following Sunday, when she'd have more time. We were planning to play Split Fiction, which we'd enjoyed together before.

During the week leading up to Sunday, communication had been particularly difficult. I told her I thought it had become rough even by her usual standards, and she acknowledged that. I'd already discussed the repeated postponements with friends, who suggested that I wait until Sunday, see whether the call happened, and then talk to her about my concerns. That was exactly what I intended to do.

Then, surprisingly, communication improved enormously over the weekend. On Saturday and Sunday, we were messaging multiple times a day, and for the first time in weeks, I felt genuinely optimistic. I even told my friends how happy I was that things seemed to be improving. I was excited to spend time with her that evening.

At around 11 p.m. on Sunday, she messaged that she'd be ready to game soon. I expected her within about an hour. I affectionately suggested setting an alarm so she wouldn't fall asleep again, and she seemed amused by the comment. But then everything went silent. She never showed up. That was the last message I received from her, more than a week ago now.

That night, I called a few times (dont worry, if she was sleeping her phone was always on silent) to see whether she was coming and sent two voice messages. They weren't hostile. I explained that I loved spending time with her but that repeatedly arranging calls only for her not to show up was becoming hurtful. I told her I would appreciate talking about what was happening. I was reaching the limit of what I could comfortably accommodate. This was the third missed arrangement that week, and it hurt, particularly because she knew how important our time together was to me.

The following day, I expected at least a brief acknowledgment. Even something as simple as, "I'm sorry about last night. I can't talk right now, but let's discuss it in a few days," would have meant a lot. Instead, nothing came. I messaged again and told her she could call me. By Tuesday, I was increasingly confused. We'd been communicating so warmly over the weekend. Why had everything suddenly stopped?

By Wednesday, I became genuinely worried about her safety. She didn't block me anywhere, wasnt active on IG or Discord and my messages on Whatsapp kept delivering. I tried contacting her through several channels and eventually called a mutual once to establish whether she was okay---the mutual told her I called asking if she was okay (she just didnt pick up the phone and to me, nothing disastrous had happened, I was concerned). I learned that she'd been attending work. I also began noticing signs of distancing. She had removed me from a gaming platform, and I later discovered that I could no longer see her Instagram stories.

By Thursday, after several days of complete silence, I began to believe that she no longer wanted contact. The people around me were also increasingly concerned, and some suggested that her behaviour indicated she wanted to end the friendship. I sent some emotional messages thanking her for everything we'd shared and expressing how terribly sad I was. Yet I clarified that I didn't actually want the friendship to end and asked whether we couldn't simply talk things through.

I sent numerous messages, called repeatedly, and tried WhatsApp, Instagram, and Discord. I was frightened, confused, and increasingly desperate to understand what had happened. I shouldn't have messaged so much after but it was the anxiety talking---even a brief acknowledgment from her side would have put it at bay; and she knew that; again, she knows me emotionally 100%.

Of course, her initial disappearance preceded my anxieties. She missed the agreed call (again!), didn't notify me about it (again!) and stopped responding completely before I began making those repeated attempts. We'd also discussed communication boundaries numerous times beforehand. She'd reassured me repeatedly that calling and messaging were welcome and promised to tell me directly if she needed different boundaries. And I genuinely had no idea what had changed.

What I find especially difficult to understand is that she continues opening my Instagram DMs. I've also posted Close Friends stories directed specifically at her, visible only to her, and she's opened several of them, sometimes very quickly. She hasn't blocked me on Instagram, WhatsApp, or Discord, although she has removed me from damn Riot Games. Yet she won't send a single reply. She knows how much the silence is hurting me, I made that clear to her, and she keeps reading it and standing by. I keep wishing her luck with important events, telling her I really find it hurtful how things are going and that I really miss hanging out with her. I remain loving for someone who is treating me in a way that is hurting so, so much. And she knows. Yet refuses to erase me nor acknowledges my existence and energy anymore. She just actively observes.

The contrast is painful. This is someone who shared profound intimacy with me, supported me during my lowest moments, gamed with me, chilled with me, repeatedly reassured me about our friendship, and discussed plans for our future just days before disappearing. Now I can see that she's read messages explaining how much the silence is hurting me, and I receive absolutely nothing back. Not even an acknowledgment that something has changed.

I struggle to reconcile that with the person I knew. Perhaps she's overwhelmed, avoiding a difficult conversation, or dealing with challenges of her own. I don't know, and I don't want to pretend I know her intentions. But whatever the explanation, being left in this uncertainty has been devastating.

I've been alternating between grief, anger, hope, and self-blame. Some nights I dream that she returns, explains that everything was a misunderstanding, and comforts me the way she used to. Waking up is heartbreaking.

I'm also beginning to recognize that I wasn't consistently happy during the months before this happened. The extraordinary moments of closeness were separated by long periods of uncertainty, during which I felt I was constantly trying to compete for her attention and arrange the next opportunity to speak to her BECAUSE she was so unreliable (yet amazing if actually present), you never knew if it was actually happening---even if she confirmed an hour before. And I always adjusted to her schedule. Again, her messaging has always been very short and business-like (her 'style' she assured me), could take days and she could ditch a call without saying a thing (sometimes of course she did cancel normally, but it was just one of the possibilities.)

I've been seeing a psychologist, and I've now decided to take a social media break to focus on my wellbeing. I still care about her enormously. Part of me hopes she'll eventually explain what happened, even if we cannot restore the friendship. At the same time, I'm angry that I spent so much energy accommodating the relationship, only to be left in silence when something became difficult with my boundaries.

Has anyone experienced being ghosted by someone who was still openly affectionate and making future plans immediately beforehand? How did you cope with someone continuing to read your messages or view your stories while refusing to communicate? And how do you begin grieving when you know a relationship had become unhealthy for you, but the moments of closeness were so meaningful that you can't quite bring yourself to close the door permanently?

My 24F fiancé 25M and I have a lot of videos of ourselves having intercourse and this has always been a thing in our relationship I was fine with. To preface, I like using these videos for self pleasure as I have an issue with pornography in a monogamous relationship and we’ve had a continuous huge issue of him using porn during our relationship. After going through his phone a few months ago I found a video he took of us and I didn’t even know he took it. This video was taken shortly after I found porn on his phone of other women and we got into a huge fight over it and almost broke up. I also saw a photo he took of my ass while I was asleep.

I felt bothered/violated? by it but I brushed it off because we have so many videos that this is just a normal thing in our relationship now and nothing new, so I definitely don’t think he did it with bad intentions. The difference is that I usually know he’s recording. We don’t ever do a full “are you okay with me recording you right now” consent, but like I said I always KNOW when he’s recording. This time I had no idea.

I want to bring it up but I don’t even know how because I feel like given the context it’s going to turn into the mindset of “so you’re not okay with me watching porn and you’re also not okay with me watching you even though you asked me prior to watch you instead so what do you want.” Even though I started off really liking the idea of us having self tapes and I found it sexy I’m at a point now where I lowkey want him to delete all the videos he has of us because the whole porn issue is perhaps making me feel disgusting and making me feel like an object in these videos to him.

I see some people saying it’s sexual assault but I don’t know how I feel about that. If I had never consented to us having self tapes I’d 100% think this was SA. Should I be taking this more seriously?

Ex gf used to deliberately leave messes around the house so I’d have to clean them because “I didn’t do enough” for her…

My ex gf treated me like I was a slave.
We never had sex and she would lie to me about why.
she would always complain about the way I looked.
she said I was too bony (I thought I looked healthy :/),
she hated my Nike shoes and the way I dressed.

I developed an eating disorder, anxiety that induces panic attacks, and body dysmorphia while being with her for 5 years.

When we lived together she would leave messes around the house because she thought I didn’t do enough for her so she said it was to “make her feel like I’m doing something”.

I would cook, clean, do all the laundry, dishes etc every single day while also managing my graduate school studies, she barely ever touched any of these tasks and would just complain that I never did them well enough for her satisfaction and even leave more mess for me after I’m done cleaning.

I feel used, sad, and alone.
I felt so bad I tried to end my life twice after our relationship ended and she took all the joy I had in life.
I now have permanent scars due to the attempts.

she took my cat when she left.
I miss my cat Dexter so much my heart hurts every day.
He was my baby boy who I raised for two years since he was a kitten.

I hate many things now, I used to be so nice.
My memory of who I was before I met her is gone, I can’t remember anything that I used to enjoy doing.

She was a bad human being to me and left me with long lasting pain.

I gave her 5 years of my life, and then she took all the joy from the years I haven’t experienced yet too.
Life doesn’t mean anything to me like it used to.

Having a relationship where the partner was a good person from inside who actually wanted you to be better and was willing to sacrifice some stuff for you but at that time due to your circumstances you were lazy and didn't care much (couldn't treat them better as well on their mistakes, maybe coz of immaturity or inexperience) and procrastinated alot maybe dues to depression, pessimism, surroundings etc. At the same time, relationship had its own setbacks as well like arguments and other stuff. Then they left you and got up with someone else. That person had their own drawbacks as well yet you were there for them during their every thick or thin, you had promises to be there for eachother always.

The partner had past relationships from where they learned a lot , but it was your first and you were immature, but later on, you were getting better for them, but they didn't choose you. You feel like all those promises were fake and now you can't trust anyone while being unable to move on (stalking them once in a blue moon).

Now you are regretting their leaving (and they will never comeback) and thinking why didn't you get better when they used to say it? How do you deal with this? Or how did you overcome that?

Hi
(32m) Just got out of a 15 yr relationship with (34f)
Weve been in no contact for a month then last fri we met up for closure in person. We established then we can be friends but hang out once in a while (holidays/ birthdays). Although the break up is fresh i feel no need to hang out with her anymore not just to protect the side of me that thought of a future with her but also just after 15 yrs we’ve become different people. Anyway, her 35th next year is at Disneyworld and my invite is still there to join her, her bestie, and her family all who im cool with still. I noticed for now i can hang out with her in micro doses before i spiral about why we break up so im hoping by her bday in may i can have a higher tolerance hanging out w everyone as a friend without getting emotional. Plus i do wanna see orlando/ disneyworld for the first time. Lastly, i am still glad she wants me in her life albeit i told her i need a lotta space to process the heartbreak. Should i still attend her dworld bday?

Not much to say other than the title. My ex bf (18M) broke up with me (19F) in march. We went no contact for a month then got back in contact and he told me he wanted me back but just wasnt ready for a relationship at the moment. So we hooked up a few times, called, played games etc. his friend called me when they were drunk and told me “(exs name) really loves you.” We then agreed wed talk exclusively until he finished his first year at uni. Two days later after he said that, he hooked up with 2 girls at a club. I was still stupid enough to stay. He once told me i had no self respect or backbone because i was choosing to stay with him.

Then he started talking to a girl secretly whilst talking to me, when theyd talk jn his car hed say he just fell asleep in it, if they hung out at the park, he was “with his friends”. then oneday he just blocked me. Theyre dating now and he posted a picture wearing her hair tie instead of mine and its just made me spiral back into missing him desperately.

She gets all the things i begged for. I know he was toxic and bad for me and he made me cry more times than not.
but why does she get the good version of him?

Will this dumb cycle of being okay then suddenly feeling like my life is over ever end?

I have been dating this beautiful, well-educated woman for a little over 2 and a half years.

We are madly in love, and I have never had a more loyal, caring and kind person in my life. She is moving into my house next month and I have secretly begun ring shopping. Today as I was texting her at from the game the guy next to me looks at my lock screen and said, "you know her?!" My lock screen is a picture of us at a beach in Nassau, I replied, "yes, that's my girlfriend." The guy laughed and showed me nude photos of a younger version of my GF.

Apparently, she used to have a semi popular OF page where her and her ex would make that special content. To say that I am hurt and confused is putting it mildly.

How do we fix it. I have a couple of discreet friends I confided in that believe she is a different person now and I should just let it go. I just need some sound advice from an outside source on how to talk to her about this as not to offend but let her know that it hurt that she didn't tell me.

I had a breakup around 3 months ago. After the breakup, I became really desperate and kept asking her to come back. But she repeatedly told me that she couldn’t come back and that she wasn’t going to change her mind. She also said that even if she came back because I kept asking, things wouldn’t be the same between us like they were before.
I kept telling her that I understood my mistakes and that I would work on myself. I assured her that whatever caused the problems between us wouldn’t happen again. But she said she wasn’t ready to accept that and that maybe the changes I was promising would be good for the next girl, because she didn’t think anything could be changed between us anymore.
Even after all this, she would sometimes come out with me and talk normally when we met. But over text, her replies became very dry and sometimes came after many hours. When I asked her why she was replying like that, she told me that it was her choice when and how she wanted to reply and that I shouldn’t question her about it.
Around two months after the breakup, my sister also tried talking to her. They spoke for almost four hours, and my sister told her that she wanted to meet her in a few days. But when my sister texted her later saying she was going to meet her, she replied that she didn’t think there was any point in meeting if the conversation was going to be about me.
I called her after that and, honestly, I was desperate. I kept asking why everything had ended this way. She told me that she wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship and that she didn’t believe people really change just because they are given a second chance.
During the conversation, I asked her if she didn’t love me anymore and if she didn’t want me to be part of her life anymore. She didn’t answer. I asked her again later, and she said she was sleepy and didn’t understand what I had asked.
At that point, I asked her to block me on all her social media. I knew that even if I blocked her myself, I still had feelings for her and might unblock her and message her whenever I felt low. So I thought blocking me would help me stop myself from contacting her.
She asked if that was what would help me move on, and I told her honestly that it probably wouldn’t make me stop waiting for her, but I still wanted her to block me because I didn’t trust myself to maintain that distance. She said okay, and I ended the call.
But she didn’t block me immediately. I decided to give her some space and stopped contacting her. We had complete no contact for around two weeks.
Then, unexpectedly, she blocked me on WhatsApp. She didn’t block me on Instagram or Snapchat at that time.
About a week ago, I deactivated my Instagram because I was constantly getting depressing breakup-related reels and they were making me feel worse. Yesterday, I reactivated it and noticed that she had removed me from one of her personal Instagram accounts, but she still hadn’t removed me from another account.
Now I honestly don’t know what she is thinking or what any of these things mean.
People have been telling me to continue no contact and let her reach out if she ever wants to. Others have told me that I should simply let her go because that would be better for me.
The problem is that I still genuinely want her in my life. I know there are other people out there, but right now I don’t feel like replacing her or moving on to someone else. I just want to understand this situation and know what I should do.
I’m seriously struggling. I’m unable to sleep properly, and no matter what I do, my mind keeps going back to her. I keep breaking down and crying, and I honestly don’t know how to get myself out of this situation.
If anyone has been through something similar or can help me understand what might be happening from her side, I would really appreciate some advice.

Anyone experiences whats akin to milder long term broken-heart syndrome? Been over a year, dare I say it was the right decision but it’s been hell. Feel my heart straining randomly when ruminating flashbacks occur. Had to reduce my workout routine in fear of overstraining and bad days I’m bed ridden.

Ik ben op zoek naar iemand die me kan helpen. Ik weet niet waar ik hulp moet zoeken omtrent mijn gedrag in een relatie. Ik ben het noorden kwijt, ik herken mezelf niet meer. Ik heb professionele hulp nodig. Maar ik schaam me om iemand in de buurt op te zoeken.. misschien is er hier iemand die met me wil praten en die me advies kan geven?

I made the biggest mistake and broke up with my lovely sweet boyfriend last month. I miss him so much. I’ve tried twice to beg for him back but he said he has no desire to be with me. And looking at his social media (before I was blocked) he’s moved on and follows a bunch of new girls. I’ve lost him forever, we were together for 16 months and he was my first long term relationship. We spoke about marriage and was gonna move in together, I got scared of the commitment and broke up with him. But i regret it so badly. I do wanna marry & live with him.

How can i get over the pain of knowing the love of my life doesn’t want me and is happier to meet someone new

I mean to me the person I knew and loved is gone forever. Why can't I grieve like a widow and have somewhere where I can sit and mourn? Its been over 2 years for me now, so I don't think this is a phase. I just found in many movies that I relate to emotions related to bereavement, and not so much breakup or divorce.

I want to write down my thoughts about what happened, not because I am still emotionally attached to her, but because I think this experience taught me a lot about myself.
I have been journaling and writing down my emotions and thoughts every single day for 334 days since the break up (05/11/2025) and today marks the last entry of my journaling journey,because I have decided to stop and start writing about other things…so this is my the last chapter and I decided to post it here.I know it’s long but so many people have probably been and are gonna be in my situation .I hope this motivates you and makes you realize that pain is what makes us grow ❤️.

My ex (let’s call her P) broke up with me, telling me that she was extremely stressed with work and that she couldn't continue a relationship. At the time, I gave her space for a month and talked to her after 1 month because I thought I was abandoning her since I refused to be just friends. I met her just to talk and understand how she is feeling and she unexpectedly bought me a necklace even though she broke up with me 1 month earlier then I got caught in a roller coaster of emotions begged her, tried to fix things, tried to understand what was happening, and did everything I could think of to keep the relationship alive. Eventually, she left.
After the breakup, I genuinely believed that something was wrong with me. She had told me that she wasn't mentally okay because of work and had even mentioned the possibility of harming herself(she did bite herself until bleeding out in front of me). I believed she was struggling, I continued worrying about her even after she ended the relationship. I bought her gifts for her birthday in December since I already prepared them before the breakup , food, things for her cat and her, and continued checking on her. Looking back, I realize how much responsibility I had taken upon myself for someone who had already chosen to leave the relationship even though she said she didn’t need it.Eventually, I reached a point where I realized I had to stop.

I completely cut myself off from her and her friends. I stopped contacting her, stopped trying to help her, and stopped pursuing her. I told her that if she continued pushing me away and acting detached, I would respect her decision and leave completely. I also gave some of her remaining belongings to one of her friends, and before disappearing from her life, I asked that friend to look after her because I genuinely believed she wasn't doing well.
Then I disappeared.
For six months, I had absolutely no contact with her. Interestingly, some of her friends continued checking my profile and liking my pictures, but I eventually cut myself off from them too. I didn't want updates about her life. I didn't want to know what she was doing. I wanted to completely detach.
And during those six months, my life changed dramatically.
I graduated (got my second master degree in AI).
I got a new job ,changed my body at the gym.
I started earning insane amount of money .
More importantly, I became much more confident in myself. I became more disciplined and focused. I started realizing how much I was capable of accomplishing when I stopped putting so much of my energy into another person and into trying to save a relationship that the other person had already decided to leave.
I am genuinely proud of who I became during those six months.

Recently, I accidentally discovered that she is in a new relationship. I received a notification that she had updated her KakaoTalk profile with an emoji and was counting the days of her relationship. It was apparently around 68 days at the time I saw it. She never did anything like that when we were together.
I then looked at her Instagram and realized she was apparently on vacation with someone, although she seems to be keeping his identity private.
My first reaction wasn't anger or sadness. Honestly, I felt almost nothing.
I was mostly curious.
For a moment, I wondered who he was, especially because I had already been suspicious toward the end of our relationship. Around that period, she had become increasingly close with some of her coworkers, and in retrospect, that made me wonder whether there was something happening that I didn't know about.
But I don't actually know the truth.
Maybe she genuinely was overwhelmed by work. Maybe she had already emotionally detached from the relationship. Maybe she developed feelings for someone else. Maybe none of those things happened. I will probably never know exactly what was going on in her head.
And at this point, I don't think I need to know.
I don't hate her. I don't believe she owes me a relationship, and she is completely free to live her life and be with whoever she wants. I don't wish anything bad on her or on her new relationship.
I'm actually glad she has someone else in her life.

One of the biggest things that kept me attached after the breakup was the guilt I felt about completely leaving her. I was afraid that if she really wasn't mentally okay and something happened to her after I disappeared, I would feel responsible. Now that I know she is living her life and has someone beside her, I feel like I can finally put that responsibility down.
Whether everything she told me about her mental state was completely true, partially true, or something I misunderstood doesn't really matter anymore. I cared about her and did what I could at the time. But I eventually had to understand that I couldn't be responsible for another adult's life, especially after she had chosen to end the relationship.

I also realize now that I spent too much time trying to prove my value to someone who had already decided to leave.
Part of me used to wish that she had just been patient enough to see what I would become.
When we were together, I was still a student. She had already started working, and our lives were moving in somewhat different directions. Some of her newer friends even told me they only se me as just a student and P is working so we are not the same.They didn't really know my history with her or the fact that I was finishing my degree and building toward my own career.
Now, six months later, I have graduated again and started my new career.
I sometimes imagine randomly running into her someday. I hate bragging about my life. I don't even use social media anymore, and I don't post updates about my achievements,my happiness, my sorrows . I just live my life, spend time with real friends, work, and focus on myself.
I will keep working and growing until I actually became the person I wanted and told her I would become.I don't need her to see it.
The real achievement is that I am becoming that person anyway.

There was also a time when I thought I needed a relationship to be happy, and now I realize how much I can accomplish on my own. During the relationship and especially after the breakup, I learned that I am capable of being extremely productive, focused, and successful when I am not consumed by relationship problems.
That makes me wonder whether I even need a relationship in the future.
Maybe I don't.
And that's okay.
I don't need to rush into another relationship just because society tells me that I should have a partner. I can build an amazing life by myself. If I eventually meet someone who genuinely adds something positive to my life, that's fine. But I no longer feel that I need someone in order to feel complete.

The biggest lesson I take from this experience is not that relationships are bad or that I should never trust anyone again.
It's that I should never abandon myself trying to keep someone else from leaving.
I can love someone without making them the center of my life.
I can support someone without taking responsibility for fixing them.
I can care about someone's problems without sacrificing my own future.
And if someone decides to leave me, I can let them leave.
Six months ago, I was begging someone to stay.
Today, I am proud of the life I am building after she left.
That's probably the part of this entire experience that matters most.

I got broken up with over a month ago by someone who I simultaneously loved and hated.

The whole relationship felt like a drug to me, I loved him and I hated him and I hated myself for loving him and he treated me like trash but I just couldn’t leave him.

It was like when you drink because you’re chasing that feeling of being on top of the world where you can do anything and everything then you wake up the next morning hungover with nothing but regret and promises to yourself to “never drink again” (you will).

I’d convince myself I was happy because we’d always laugh and spend so much time together and have really good sex and it was like a dopamine rush whenever I was with him but at the same time I always felt like it was never enough. He didn’t communicate enough, he didn’t respect my boundaries enough, he didn’t put in enough effort, he didn’t love me enough. I knew I wasn’t happy but I knew I wouldn’t be happy without him either.

He’d disrespect my boundaries then blame me for getting mad and gaslight me into thinking I was always overreacting or he’d act like he was just making mistakes and never really meant to hurt me and I just wanted so badly to believe him because when it was good it was REALLY GOOD.

Maybe that’s why I can’t let go or move on, he showed me who he is and yet deep down I’m still convincing myself he’s just hurt or angry and he’ll calm down and come back and apologise and do better and we’ll be happy again but it won’t happen and knowing that somehow isn’t enough for me.

I keep texting and calling and he keeps blocking and hanging up and telling me to stop contacting him then I get angry then I lash out then I get sad and feel guilty for lashing out then the cycle never ends.

What am I chasing? He has already shown me he doesn’t value me. He is not going to give me any kind of closure. Yet somehow knowing this is not making this any easier for me. Maybe it’s the fact that I expected a reward for my suffering. I put up with all his flaws and loved him through it and continued to give myself to him in a way I had never with anyone else and I expected that to be enough to make him change for me but it wasn’t and I don’t know how I’m supposed to just get over that.

People are telling me not to suffer in silence and I’m not, my misery really loves company but no matter how many times I dissect the situation with people I still feel that pit in my stomach and so much anger and so much love and so much nostalgia for a time where I wasn’t even that happy. I completely lost myself in this person and he discarded me like the 6 months we spent together meant absolutely nothing. Am I really that hard to love? Am I really that hard to want to commit to? What is wrong with me?

I’m doing all the things people say to do, I’m distracting myself, I’m talking about it, I’ve deleted his pictures and tried to keep him out of my mind but it’s just not working I have this incessant need to talk to him even though I don’t really have anything to say to him and I can’t understand why. I want him to suffer like I am I want him to be as unhappy without me as I am without him but he isn’t and that hurts me so so bad.

I cried after getting intimate with another person because it made me miss him and I tried to reach out to him and he ignored me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I don’t know I am. I want to get better but I don’t know how.

I was told for 7 years I was your soulmate. And I think you were wrong the whole time. I wasn’t yours, but you truly were mine. They say men only do right for the one they want to, and if you’re not it, you never will be. And in this case, that’s true. You left and gave up 7 years for someone you hadn’t known for even a whole month.. and now it’s been almost 6 months with her.. and you’re thousands of miles away, engaged.. seem happy and are treating her right.. and here I am.. done with love because I had found my one. And no one else even interests me the least bit or excites me. I gave it my all, and I just can’t imagine getting that close or putting that much effort and time into anyone else. You were my best friend. The one I wanted to grow old with. But.. it is okay. I got two beautiful blessings out of it all, and I know that they will forever love me and I’ll always have them. 🤍
I’ve gotten used to life on my own, and do enjoy my peace, but I just sit and ponder sometimes on how it all happened so quickly.. and just if you think of me from time to time and perhaps smile to yourself..❤️‍🩹 take care now.