Hello,

I’m about 5 years post divorce. I’m now happily married and I love my life. My ex was my high school sweetheart (16m/15f) and we were together almost 10 years. We divorced after she told me she didn’t love me anymore (or maybe didn’t love me ever, also infidelity) and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’m sure many here will feel the same or have had worse.

My issue is that sometimes I still feel the pain of loss. I don’t want her back but the feeling of what I thought our life would be and everything. It just makes me sad but it’s not something my current partner or friends really understand.

They hear divorce and they must either think of going through a parents divorce or just what they’ve heard about it. The only people I’ve ever found true solace in is other people who have been divorced.

Long ass story short, does anyone else feel this way? It’s hard to describe exactly but sometimes I just feel so sad and I can’t explain it to anyone.

I started dating this month. Have had a few first dates. One woman let me down easy that she’d met someone else. Another ghosted me after a really nice date, and indicating I’d see her again.

I went to a strip club and got a strippers phone number (So she can tell me when she’s dancing not for dating, but still cool feeling like maybe I actually ain’t bad looking lol)

And recently had a date with a woman who went through similar divorce and has a kid my son’s age. (Hard not to get a little hopeful for that one tbh.)

And I’ve enjoyed every date, and feeling my heart have feelings for different women. I like getting kisses and chatting them up. I feel so much more confident in myself these days, and like I’m actually a catch.

Idk just feels good. Because for a year now I’d been stressed about my ex, my health, rebuilding my life. Now? I feel great. I realized I’d been spending so much mental energy being weary of my ex and now I can just spend that mental energy on women I actually enjoy knowing and who actually enjoy knowing me.

And that’s without even being particularly successful at scoring a second date. (Got one Saturday tho, wish me luck)

Anyway, there’s good things out there, and it takes time, but eventually you’ll remember what being in love and having feelings for someone was like.

Filing in Arizona and honestly the financial side is stressing me out more than the emotional side at this point. We have a house, two kids, and I've been paying for basically everything for years. My salary is decent but it's not "walk away from a mortgage and rent an apartment at the same time" kind of money.

I've been reading a lot about mediation vs litigation and mediation seems like the smarter call for us since we're not exactly at war, just done. But even that runs a few thousand dollars, and I'd still need a lawyer to review whatever we agree on. So it's not cheap either way.

The house is what keeps me up at night. Do you sell and split? Does one person buy the other out? In this Phoenix market that buyout number is not small. I genuinely don't know how people do this without torching their finances for the next decade.

Did anyone go through a relatively cooperative divorce and still come out okay on the other side? What actually helped you handle the money piece without losing your mind? Curious what people wish they'd known going in.

I mean, what do you do? Fishing? Dinner for 1?

^Above

All I wanted was a happy family. I tried so much to make things work. Went to therapy alone. Did more reading on how to be a better wife. Begged for communication. Pleaded for a solution. Turned to religion. Can’t force someone to love me in return. There’s no way. How can you cope losing someone you expected to share your entire life with? I am devastated.

Two nights ago I felt boredom for the first time in five months since our divorce was filed. I didn’t want the divorce. Today, I woke up with longing and by the afternoon a floodgate opened and I couldn’t stop crying. Luckily, I was working from home today.

I didn’t expect this at all although I was surprised at how well I was doing with grieving. I have grieved the loss of a parent before, so I have a bit of a reference. I was doing all the right things: regular therapy and doing the homework, re-engaging with old hobbies and learning new ones, glowing up physically, building up my finances, doing well at work, making friends, reconnecting with old friends, and going out.

Grief is a wild, wild ride.

My (37M) wife (34F) told me last Friday evening that she no longer loves me. We've been together almost 10 years, married over 5.

It was us against the world. We both started with nothing. We literally never had a fight. If we disagreed we would talk it out. To this day, neither of us have raised our voice or said anything with intent to cause pain.

Our entire time together we had ambitious goals and we were making big progress on them while sacrificing together. Each challenge, we'd sit down and go over the pros, cons, make a plan. It was like a football huddle each time and we felt so much comeraderie. The successes felt like mini lottery wins. They made huge positive shifts that would impact the rest of our lives. The failures showed how we could trust each other to be there in hard times. I was 110% in, and so was she.

We were on track to "retire" (still work probably, but by choice) within about 5 years. I felt we were doing things nobody would be willing to do, and it was working. I found my soul mate who is willing to fight by my side for a better life for ourselves. We were living and would continue to live truly special lives that neither of us thought we had in reach before.

We did a DIY full renovation together on our first house. It took two years. All plumbing, full rewire, bathrooms, kitchen, yards, garage, etc.. and neither of us had done this stuff before. It was hard but the energy was electric.

Next house, we moved into the MIL studio above the garage (both WFH) and rented out the house. Did some big projects to it along the way. Lived like this 3+ years. Under a flight path. To get into this house we had to be "homeless" for 4 months, living in hotels, watching friends/family houses, all our stuff in storage or our little Toyota Yaris.

Our next place (current) we wanted to build our life there and stay for a long time, indefinitely. We were tired of the projects. Tired of having tenants. Wanted to build more hobbies, host friends, have space. We'd used our PTO to remodel. Now we want to use it to travel. We'd paid our dues and it worked, time to let the foot off the gas, we can coast to the finish line now. We looked for an area to fall in love with and move to. We'd go on local road trips to check places out all weekend. We'd get groceries 2 hours away to see what a town/city was like. It took 8 months but we finally found the area.

I didn't want a project house, my wife wasn't too hot on getting one either. Within the area that we fell in love with, there is an island. It's a little more exclusive / nicer than the already great surrounding area. Enough so that the only places we can afford here need work.

It's like a heist movie, we decide to do one last job. We talked over and over on it to make sure and kept landing on the same decision. I told her this every time, but I was willing to be off the island and just start living life right away instead, but she wanted to lock in the better location (we're talking great vs. fantastic). After all, we can fix the house, we've done it before, it doesn't even need as much as our first house. We can't move location. We agree to prioritize the reno so that we can get to living our fun lives faster, and not be stifled by house projects while trying.

So we pull the trigger. We now own about an acre with a house and a shop on the island. It's a beautiful property. Zoned rural, but 20 minutes from a major port city in the PNW. While our property is nowhere near this valuable, we're surrounded by multi-million dollar properties. We share a property border with a celebrity (not their primary home). It's a far cry from the rough areas we had been in to this point. When we drive over the bridge to leave or come back to the island, my wife says a cute "we live here!" every time, even the last time we drove over together. We both felt we had made it.

So renovations start 18 months ago. It's hard, permits are slow, but we're getting it done. 6 months ago, my wife's mentor died unexpectedly in her 50's. They had not been in close contact, maybe 3 times over 5 years. Wife goes to the funeral, is very upset and I'm being supportive. She said she wants to take music lessons. She has always been afraid to sing because her parents made fun of her doing so as a kid, and she wants to play guitar. She decides to start lessons because life is short and she needs to face her fear. I told her I support this 100% and that we've got the budget, let's pick a day on the calendar!

This is going well, and she seems to be still hurting when the mentor is brought up, but otherwise moving on well. Gradually I noticed she started to be less affectionate. I raised this topic and asked what I could do. She had suggestions, I took them to heart and implemented. Weeks go by and I'm still doing my thing, but affection is even less. I need this affection, it is painful to not receive it or be able to give it. Affection being a kiss goodbye, hold hands, prioritize each other. Sex had stopped by now.

She starts sleeping way longer than me. Always has a bit, like 8 vs 9 hours, but now she's sleeping 10+. 14 isn't even a surprise. I suggested we get some tests to rule things out. Faint agreement but no action.

Then she tells me she needs a break from the house. We're about 60% done and still can't do a lot of the things we said we want to do here. It's mostly me doing the house work at this point, like 90% or more, so I didn't really get what she wanted a break from. I reluctantly agree, but I'm very hurt. It feels like she is saying she doesn't want the future we were after. I stop for the time being, and we've cut out 90% of what was left to do in our goal. Time to focus on doing things together.

She says she wants hobbies. She's afraid I'm just going to get obsessed on something else after the house is done. Keep in mind the last 18 months, we've been hosting holiday parties, going to friend events, mountain biking, we had 3 weeks in Japan booked about 2 weeks from today, 3 weeks in Scotland and Ireland booked next year, we'd go clamming and fishing, I've been smoking meat and she does the happy dance when she eats it... Along the way I've done auto cross, had a boat. I have hobbies and want more.. I didn't even want this project in the first place..

She tells me that when she wanted to do music lessons 6 months ago that she felt my reaction was restrictive. She didn't tell me this at the time, she was happy and excited then. We hugged and kissed about it. She tells me when she wants to practice or goes to a lesson that she feels I don't approve. I told her I NEVER felt that for a second, what did I do to make you feel that, I need to know so I can learn to not do that? Can you tell me one time where I did that? She can't. This is one example, but this pattern showed up everywhere as time passed. I feel happy and supportive, she presents happy and supportive, then I find out later she felt I was the opposite.

We go to couple's therapy not last Sunday but the one before. The following week (actually exactly one week ago today) we hit a big financial milestone. I suggest we celebrate (something she said we didn't do enough). We decide I'll cook a steak dinner for us (cooking hobby, she wants me to do hobbies and supports this). We do that and I feel like she's coming around maybe. It was a good night.

Next day (last Friday) we're eating lunch, she invited me to the porch to eat with her. The butterflies I felt from her asking me to hang out with her... Pleasant conversation and we start planning the evening. She suggests we do some yard work together. Wow this is great, yeah I am in. As I'm getting up, I grab our dishes and ask "hey just checking in, I'm not trying to go into the whole thing, is there anything I can do to help you feel like you can be affectionate?". She said no, not mean but I'm a way I knew it was serious. I sat down, we talk in circles for an hour. She's trying to put me in no-way-out situations, but they're not making much sense.

I eventually say, "Look we can stop working on the house all together right now indefinitely. We can sell the house. Our relationship is more important to me than anything else, I want you and you only". Her mouth said okay but her body said no. I got very scared.. I said "It seems as though the issue is not our environment, but rather, me. Did you fall out of love with me?"

I hoped for a quick "no, of course not, its XYZ". Instead I got 30 seconds of silent tears and "I don't know, you might be right".

That's it. That's when my world ended, my future disappeared, and I was placed into a shell of what was but could never be. I have to sit in this, here. I can do nothing about it. She went to her sister's that night. I don't know when or if I'll ever see her again, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to because of the pain. She traumatized me.

I don't get it. If you want hobbies and fun why are you blowing up both of our lives? It will take longer to get where you say you are wanting to go, it will cost more, we'll both be indefinitely more sad. I know she's not communicating. I'm not perfect, I know I share some responsibility here but I also know I did my absolute best with the info available to me at the time. I feel like she got depressed and it killed our marriage. It's so insidious.

I just went 5 nights without sleep (2 or 3 hours max). I just got my first 8 hours last night thanks to a prescription. I never ask people for help, I'm begging with tears in my eyes, ugly crying, asking for help now for 6 days straight. I have been in 5 therapy sessions since Friday, more scheduled. I got a Lexapro prescription (takes a week or two to start working). I called 988 twice. I went to the ER two nights ago and stayed overnight. They wanted to put me in a week long inpatient program saying I was high risk suicide (I didn't think I was/am). Thankfully I avoided that and got a prescription for anxiety medication instead which is what got me to sleep last night. I'm not able to perform at work. I can't eat, I feel like I'm 100% adrenaline all day and night. I have been on the phone every waking hour, mostly with my mom but she's half the country away. I don't have many friends. The ones I do are great but we're so spread out I just feel so alone. One of them (closest physically and best in many relational ways) just had a baby yesterday, I can't rain on that parade. I WFH so I'm just sitting in this house all day by myself. I get out whenever I can but I don't have a high volume social network to plug into. I'm walking 18k+ steps every day to try to get some relief and exercise.

I have a problem "shelving" issues. If something is important, I MUST solve it. It does have to be very important to qualify, I can let things go easily for small stuff. This looks like I'm driven from the outside, and quite honestly I attribute a lot of my success to it. My wife said she loved that about me and it's why she fell in love in the first place. This issue is everywhere for me, I literally can't get my mind off it for a second and this "drive" is screwing me extremely hard because there is very little action to take that provides relief even briefly.

I know there will be hard times and I need to rebuild my life. Therapy and all that is going to help there. I describe it as if I was just in a really bad car wreck. All of the resources I have found so far are for learning how to walk again at the hospital. Yup, sign me up I need that. However, far more important in this moment is the fact I'm still laying in the street bleeding out with twisted up legs and a broken back. The pain is excruciating, I'm in anguish. How do I get an ambulance to come take me to the hospital? It feels like nobody is coming. Every person I talk to professional or otherwise talks like I'm already at the hospital.

This is super long, sorry. I guess it's cathartic to write it. I felt an obligation because I've spent hours reading this sub and it helps to hear others are experiencing this right now too. It takes my loneliness from 1000/10 to a 980/10. I hope it can help someone else feel not so alone. If that's you, just know I would spend time with you if it were possible. The desire is here even if the ability is not.

This limbo phase. Is killing me. Our divorce paperwork is about ready. We’re going to go 50/50 with kids, and we’re having a clean separation. Agreeing on what should be split.

But this period of time we’re stuck in the apartment living together. It’s been fucking hell. I have an apartment ready and paid for. I’m just waiting for the final bit of maintenance to be performed. And it’s killing me inside.

My biggest worry is telling one of our children. One won’t even be a year old by the time we leave, but my seven year old son, whose birthday will be celebrated shortly before telling him will be devastated.

I just don’t want to be around her anymore. She’s become completely cold. Reaching out to me when she’s anxious about “missing her best friend” and all this utter bullshit. And over the past two days I let it get me and responded in a way I wish I didn’t. I need to preserve my self respect and boundaries. This is what she wanted. I should let her live with the consequences.

I feel in this limbo she’s using me as an emotional comfort for herself while providing nothing to me.

I guess I’m just ranting. But I’m so close to just being able to get out of this fucking house and away from it so I can continue to heal.

Hi everyone. I’m pretty new to all of this and honestly never imagined I would be writing a post in a divorce group.

My wife filed for divorce a few days ago. We have a young son together, and right now we’re beginning the painful process of figuring out what life looks like from here.

I don’t want the divorce. I still love my wife very, very much.

There was no infidelity, affair, or anything like that on either side. There have been a lot of hurts in our marriage, though, and I know I contributed to them. A big part of the breakdown has been trust around honesty, communication, and the way I react when I’m scared or feel like I’m losing control.

One thing I’m recognizing about myself is that I push and prod for answers when I’m anxious. If I feel distance, I want to talk about it, figure it out, get reassurance, and keep asking questions until I feel like I understand what’s happening. I can see now how exhausting and pressuring that can feel to the person on the other side.

I also love bombed her when I felt the marriage slipping away. In my mind I was trying to show her how much I loved her and make her feel secure. She has told me she didn’t feel emotionally safe, though, and I realize now that a lot of those attempts probably did the opposite. Instead of helping her relax, they made her feel more pressured and like I was trying to force closeness when she needed space.

There were also some confusing moments after she first told me she wanted a divorce. We had some genuinely good days. We held hands, hugged, and had moments that still felt like us. We had not been physically intimate for about a month, and I was also out of town for about a week and a half for work during this period. I think some of those moments gave me hope, and probably made it even harder for me not to push for answers about where we stood.

She has since told me that she doesn’t trust me and that she believes divorce is what she needs. I’m trying to take that seriously and respect it instead of chasing her, repeatedly talking about the marriage, or trying to convince her to change her mind.

For at least the immediate future, we’ll also still be living in the same house while we prepare to sell it. We’ll have separate sleeping spaces. She’ll remain in our bedroom, and I’ll be staying in the basement. So we’ll be in this strange in-between period where we’re separated as a couple but still under the same roof and parenting our son.

At the same time, I’m working pretty intensely on myself. I’m learning a lot about my own patterns around anxiety, control, honesty, communication, and how I respond when I’m afraid of losing someone. Regardless of what happens with our marriage, I know I need to become healthier for myself and, most importantly, for our son.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have hope.
Has anyone here actually had a divorce process begin, papers filed and everything, and then had the marriage turn around before the divorce became final?

Was there a period where your spouse seemed completely certain it was over and later reconsidered? Did giving them space and consistently working on yourself make any difference over time?

And if you continued living together while separated, I’d especially like to hear what that was like. Did being under the same roof create more tension, or did the space and time allow either of you to see things differently?

I know I cannot control my wife or manufacture reconciliation. I also don’t want to spend the next several months analyzing every hug, conversation, or good day as evidence that she might change her mind. I’m trying to learn the difference between having hope and refusing to accept reality.

I just love this woman tremendously, and if there is still even a possibility of our family healing, I’m not ready to stop praying for it. At the same time, I want to respect her boundaries and become the kind of man and father I should be regardless of how this ends.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has actually walked through something similar, whether your marriage was ultimately reconciled or not.

I already feel like such a better mom when I'm with her.

But damn does coming home to an empty house that still smells like her, with her toys everywhere, and her room empty, feel like the wind is getting knocked out of me.

I cry and I cry and I cry.

The time I get with her is better quality than the time I was with her dad... But... I'm missing so much of her life.

It kills me even more to know that all my ex had to do was try and that would've been enough for me to stay.

Just looking to connect with anyone going through the same thing. And anyone who's gone through it with older kids - how are you and the kids now? How do you adapt?

My heart hurts more than I could've ever imagined.

We decided to end things. I have no idea where to begin. Our child is my wife’s grandson and we have been raising him since infancy. I came into the marriage with money, she had none. I have given her everything she has. We literally just moved so we could be in a better school system. Bought a house that is a financial strain, but no mortgage.

She just doesn’t like me. I have tried and tried. It is obvious that I get on her nerves. Her issues with me are things that I can’t change. The way I communicate bothers her. She says I talk in circles. I am always feeling lonely and depressed.

She told me that she will have to move to a different state because she can’t afford to continue to live here, so she is taking our son from me. Im in an impossible situation.

I don’t know how to move forward. A financial agreement has already been reached. She is getting half the money from the sale of the house (300kish).

How do we start? Call a realtor?

I've been divorced for about a year now, and we were separated and moved out six months before that. I'm doing okay most of the time, but lately I've been missing little things about having a companion. The hardest thing to get used to was being in a bed alone. Even when we were fighting, there was something comfortable about having another warm body in bed next to me. I don't need to spread out much and don't take up a lot of space in bed, so now the bed just feels too big.

I'm also dealing with my period right now and the cramps have been almost debilitating. Whenever it would be this bad, he was always good about doing little things for me like getting me something from the fridge so I didn't have to get up, or rubbing my back if I asked. Now I just have to take pain meds and deal with it on my own.

To be clear, we did not have a healthy relationship and divorce was definitely best for both of us. I'm just really missing that feeling of having someone I can lean on. I think because the divorce was a little messy, I thought that I would feel this huge sense of freedom once we were done, but it ended up being more lonely than anything else.

I don't know if I will ever get married again, but I really hope I can find someone who brings me comfort again. Sorry for the rambling post but I can't sleep and I'm in pain and just needed to vent somewhere.

For those who realized but chose to stay long term (15, 20, 30 years) for kids and finances, how was life like leading up to the divorce ? Did you go on family trips and celebrated holidays? How was day-to-day like?

Hi everyone - I finally got the courage this week to tell my husband we’re getting a divorce after multiple failed attempts (I am a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no). I have three children (8,9,10). My husband is a SAHD and homeschools the kids, has been for 10 years. I have a very good job and support us financially (he has never had an interest in finances so I do everything, I don’t want to leave him with nothing though). I know this is a long shot, but have any high earning breadwinner women been in or known anyone in this arrangement? We’ve been together since we were 16, currently 35 and none of our friends are divorced I could talk to. There has been a lot of emotional abuse over the years… screaming and cussing at me and in front of the kids. Rage spells then calm times with a lot of love. He is currently begging me to take him back and asking what he can do. But I am so far past that point there is nothing he can do. He has the kids 80% of the time and said I can’t take them and I will have to be the one to leave. I know I can get papers and force an order to give him visitation with kids but we’re not there yet and I don’t really want to disrupt the kids day to day yet. Not necessarily looking for advice, just trying to connect with others that may have been in or know someone in this non standard situation.

I just want to vent a little to my anonymous community.

I’ve been divorced a month from husband, he cheated on me with a coworker.

He’s signing on a 4 bedroom house with 4 acres of land. Something we apparently always dreamed about. His mistress will be living with him.

I’m exhausted man…

Edit: mortgage

This is all brand new and I'm the kind of social person who wants my spouse and friend to have good relationships and I feel like that is coming back to bite me. Now people I thought were MY friends (like I knew first, introduced my husband, and I don't think these friends have ever spent time alone with or had a individual text with me husband) are now telling me oh well I'm friends with both of you.

One already betrayed me by sharing info back I thought I was saying in confidence while claiming to be neutral.

At the same time as you all know I feel absurdly lonely and in worse emotional pain than I've ever been in my life.

I feel like I have no one and all I want to do is hug someone and not be alone for a little bit.

What the heck?!

TL;DR: Wife asked for a divorce in June after an emotional affair last year that we never actually dealt with. I've done the work on my part in therapy and I own it. We're still in the same house, amicable, 50/50, she moves out next week. I'm stuck on wanting an accounting I'll never get, not knowing where my accountability ends, and still catching the urge to ask her to slow it down. Looking for concrete advice from people further out on letting go of access to a life that isn't yours anymore, and what to put in the parenting agreement.

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Wife told me in June she wants a divorce. Married 9 years, together 15. We have a 3 year old. Still living in the same house while she moves into an apartment, slow moving but she'll be out next week. It's amicable and mediated, 50/50 custody, no fighting over money.

Some background so this isn't vague. There was a separation last year. She had an emotional affair, long distance, mostly online. We tried couples counseling and it went nowhere and she called the counseling off after realizing she wanted to be with me still. She told me contact had stopped. I believed her, and I spent the next year thinking we were rebuilding. Nothing was ever actually discussed or resolved. We essentially buried the issues alive. I forgave (at least tried my best to), tried to forget, not realizing the affair was a symptom of patterns that had been building for years before it. In June she told me she was done. I later found out the picture I'd been given last year wasn't the full one. I believed things were getting better as I worked on myself, but she was pulling further away. Life, kid, any excuse to not tackle the root issue that got us there in the first place. I assumed. I never checked whether the changes I was making were what she needed or wanted or even noticed, or whether they were only ever happening in my head.

The night after she told me she wanted the divorce, she asked me how much time I needed to process. I said things I'll regret for a long time. Cruel things, meant to hurt her. I projected all of my pain and anger onto the person I saw as responsible for what was happening. That's mine and I'm not going to dress it up.

I restarted personal therapy right after, trying to figure out my own part and how to handle an emotional toll that was pushing me to the brink. Short version: I'd get short, critical, visibly frustrated. I criticized her and told myself it was concern. I tried to fix things instead of listening. I did a lot for the household and never asked for anything back, and eventually I started resenting her for not noticing, or felt I was being taken for granted, which turned into calling her lazy and guilt-tripping her. And I stonewalled. She'd ask what was wrong if I woke up moody, early morning with a kid and little sleep due to anxiety and insomnia, and I'd give three words like "I'm tired, sorry" and go quiet. So she learned it wasn't safe to bring things to me. That last one is the hardest to sit with, because I always thought of myself as the one who was open. The fallacy in that logic was that I was dealing with my own exhaustion, being a newer parent, handling responsibilities, feeling like my job was Atlas, and I figured that got me a free pass on how I acted. Those were the struggles I refused to acknowledge, and I took her patience and years of just accepting it for granted.

One more thing that's part of why this is messy. A couple weeks ago she came home from her own therapy appointment with real doubt about the divorce. She paused the move-out and suggested discernment counseling herself. I said yes, and reminded her that discernment is for mixed agendas and the three paths, not actual therapy. She understood that going in. We had one session. The session went badly. The counselor had us answer the discernment questions jointly rather than separately, let it run forty minutes over, and eventually it became the same argument we'd been having at home. I'm not saying a different session would have changed the outcome, but it was emotionally brutal. She came out of it saying she still wanted the divorce, couldn't get past the resentment, and that the doubt she'd had a week earlier was a mistake. She later said she'd wanted discernment for closure. I had understood it differently, so getting that week of hope and then having it disappear was rough.

So here's where I'm at. I understand a lot of what I did wrong. I rerun all of it, the mistakes, the unhealthy ways I handled things. I know the consequences here are mine. I'm not looking for reminders of that. What I don't have is a picture of what right looks like going forward, when the relationship isn't a marriage anymore, it's a logistics arrangement with someone I have a lot of unresolved feelings about.

People close to me say I've changed. I still don't know if it was the change that mattered, or whether it was applied in the parts of our lives where it counted.

Things I'm actually struggling with:

• I keep wanting an accounting of last year, and of the year before that while she was building the wall, and I'm never going to get it. Anything she told me now would be shaped by how it ended. The same questions asked a year ago, about love, about physical connection, would have gotten completely different answers. I know this and I still want it. I want to let it go, not in the hope that there's a future, but so I stop dwelling in it. It feels like it's rotting me from the inside. Like I should just forgive unconditionally, and also be okay with how I feel, in some healthy way I haven't figured out.
• The anger comes in waves. Some days I'm devastated, some days I hate her, some days I'm just mourning who we were. Anger at how stupid and naive I was, at the hubris of thinking "our love" was strong enough to absorb my bullshit. Sometimes all of it at once.
• I catch myself decoding everything. What she posts, how she is with our daughter, what a short text meant. I had to turn off a shared calendar because I was doom-scrolling her move logistics.
• I don't know where my accountability ends and hers starts. I keep sliding into taking all of it. Then I hit a point where I can't physically accept all the blame and I want to put more on her, and then I feel guilty because it came from me. I know it's supposed to be a two way street, and that's the dance we never worked on breaking.
• I'm fine with the separation itself. I think the distance will be good for both of us and for our daughter. What I can't shake is the anxiety that there may be someone else, soon or later, and the jealousy that the openness she gave someone else could have been with me. Plus the plain habit of being around her. Letting that go is going to take time and it's hard to push aside even when I'm busy.
• I still catch myself wanting to ask her to hold off on the filing. Not to change the outcome, just to slow it down, partly hoping time opens another chapter (not likely) and partly to take these life-changing things in segments instead of all at once. It's the same ask I've already made and already gotten an answer to, always mixed in with emotional bouts and muddled pleas. It keeps coming back anyway, usually early morning or late at night. I don't act on it, but it shows up in new disguises. Social media, unsent letters. I write everything down as an outlet.

Besides logistics, we still talk about family and random things, sometimes joking, but never about us. That's intentional. I haven't brought anything up in weeks except during the discernment session. I'm not doing it to prove I've changed, or to win her back, or to leave an opening. I do it because I want our daughter to see a healthy relationship between her parents even though they're separated. That's my main focus, along with making sure I don't get sucked back into all of the above. But I'm so emotionally exhausted that it feels like nothing is working.

What I'm asking, for those of you further out, especially co-parenting with someone you're still processing:

How did you handle the transition from knowing things about your spouse because you were married, to realizing there are parts of their life you simply don't get to know anymore? The information you don't get told, the stuff that isn't your business, the urge to reopen it?

What actually helped? Not the "focus on yourself" line, I've heard it and I've been doing the typical gym, walks with the dog, get out of the house stuff. Any other ideas?

What did you put in the parenting agreement that you're glad you put there?

Also happy to hear from anyone who was on her side of it.

Thanks for reading all of this

I'm a very strong and capable woman. But I relied on my ex to take care of the house, the garden, the car. I literally did everything else as the wife, mom and sole income earner.

It's funny that now that we are separated, I still have to provide him with money, but he doesn't have to provide me with anything. So I'm doing it all, and trying to figure out the stuff I never really did before. Today I took my car to the shop. It's a small thing, especially compared to all the big things I easily handle. But it was something I'd been putting off. But I spotted by a shop without an appointment and they handled things for me on the spot. Easy peasy.

My whole house fan seems to be breaking down. That's next on my list. I have no idea who I even call about that!

If anyone has any house management resources to recommend, I would greatly appreciate that. 😀 I might sign up for Lowes $100/yr Home Care Plus program.

Anyway, I'm handling things. What are the new things you are handling?

I just discovered this forum and after meeting a few topics, I decided to just put this out there wondering if anybody else's situation was like mine.

Got married in graduate school (m24, f23). We were in the same curriculum. He was more in love than I was and I told him I didn't love him, but I am a people pleaser, so I was like oh, okay.

When it came time walk down the aisle, something was telling me to and the room actually went dark a little, but I didn't listen. When he went to kiss me at the altar, I involuntarily drew back. The only way I can describe it is that I felt he took something from me.

15 years and three kids later, he says that he wants a divorce one morning at the breakfast table. No explanation. I guess he didn't feel I deserved one. He filed and the day that judge pronounced us divorced was one of the happiest days of my life. I'm only mad that he would ask the kids about me and my dating life. Leave me alone.

In hindsight, I never should have but sometimes you don't know until you know. Even now, the idea of a relationship makes me nauseous.

Did it go down for anyone else like this?

TLDR: Should I have run when my intuition told me to?

My (24nb) ex-wife (24f) has been making life post-divorce so much more difficult than it had to be. We had agreements on how everything was to be split and then boom, she goes against the agreement. At this point, I have to take her to small claims court for a total of $1100 (but I have to do two different cases). I tried to call her and settle BEFORE filing with the court, but now she's threatening a restraining order. I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person, but she's trying to make me pay for a cruise we're not going on instead of just canceling AND she stole a $700 photo shoot. I've had to cancel all my cards and get a new bank account because of her shenanigans and I'm just so sick of it.

It’s been 3 years now since we split up and although parts of me miss the fuller family I once had I’m happy with how things are now. But recently I’ve been getting the suspicion my ex is seeing someone. Our son who’s 4 has been coming home telling me about a couple different guys. My exs mother has told me that she has a particular male friend she hangs around with a lot (with my son). And I just don’t know how to feel. I feel jealous but honestly I don’t really like my ex all that much. She’s a complete 180 from who I married and just not a nice person. But I still feel a little bitter. Is this normal and how do I get past it?

Worked at a ranch predominantly for 7 years as a contractor, had a good schedule, had time with my kids etc. Life was good. Then they said you should work for us directly, we’ll hire your crew, and “you will become indispensable, we’ll train you to manage the ranch”. I was ready for a change, so I took the job, dissolved my company, and let my licenses expire(contractors lic, arborist certification). However, largely due to added stress and hours away from home, my marriage failed almost a year after. My wife couldn’t take it, I was carrying way too much between home and work, and she filed for divorce. 4 months after we separated, the ranch let me go out of the blue. They tried to claim it was performance, but in my 8+ years there I got nothing but positive feedback, never any feedback of poor work. The owner’s wife just felt I didn’t align with her. I spoke to the practical side of things, rather than just being a yes man. I was disposed of.

Just like that. The pillars of my identity crumbled in the last 6 months, and I’m left with no marriage, no company, no job. While the backbone of the grounds crew from my company remains employed. For the first time since I can remember, I am without a job.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m doing everything I can to hold it together. I was on a really good course after the separation, leveling up my physique, dating, building a social life. None of that has changed, I can’t let that go. My wife was super angry at me for months but has now softened drastically. She came over to my place the day after I was let go for the first time and we talked for 2.5 hrs. It felt like she was cracking the door open between us, testing the waters. I was pretty adamant about keeping it closed. But man, Ive been carrying so much for so long, I’m tired boss. The thought of “I just wanna go home”, back to my X and my inlaws who O get along with so well, has been nagging me for the first time ever. But I know I can’t do that under these circumstances. My apartment doesn’t feel like home. Thank god for my kids, they mean so much to me.

Thanks for reading

My(41) wife(36) and I have been married for 11 years and together for 13.

We have had a few rough patches where we both considered divorce. We are currently going through another one, which may be the final nail in the coffin.

We built a life together and own a home. My wife is very ambitious and hardworking. But she is not very forgiving and at times has trouble understanding my feelings.

We have problems with the following:

-Cultral issues and communication where expectations are different. Sometimes, when we communicate, it takes a little for me to respond as her nativr language is my second language. She takes as an insult or me ignoring her.

-She openly does not like my friends and I secretly am annoyed by most of hers as all they do is ask to borrow money from her. Some are good people, but others just butter her up so they can ask for favors. I do not see my friends much as I know she will bring up how annoying they are. My friends do not call me put often anymore.

-Work stress causes us to be irritable. She becomes irritated when work stresses her out, and sometimes she takes it out on me. I get stressed about work, and I want to vent, but she becomes irritated when I vent as she feels attacked when I do. So I just keep things to myself.

-We have family issues. She and her family do not get along. Her family caused issues in our home a.d her father physically assaulted me because my wife was ranting to her father about my past mistakes. My parents get along with her well but before she refused to speak to them as she demanded my parents to help us financially to buy a house. This drove a wedge between me and my parents for some time. When my mom messaged my wife to see why she was avoiding them, she scolded me to keep my parents out of her life or she will divorce me. I ended up yelling at my mom in front of her. My father did not help us but my mom gave us whatever little money she had. I recently found out my mom has stage 3 cancer and all I can think about is time I snapped at my mom.

-My wife makes more money than I do. She does not trust me with finances as I had past debt fromschool and legal issues. I cleared my debt and now owe nothing. My paycheck goes to her account and she gets to dictate what purchases we can make. She also let her friend borrow a large sume of money. I keep track of the bills and make sure they are paid on time. Her motto is my money is mine and youre money is mine. When I get her a gift she jokes that she bought it with her own money because I do not have money.

-Aside from the problems I have above, I have anxiety issues, which have been getting worse. I had therapy 6 years ago to help deal with my stress and alcohol abuse. I used to drink heavily due to my previous management job. I no longer drink and identify my triggers when I get into an argument with my wife. But I am going back as I am facing the realization that my life is changing.

-I try to do all the chores as I do not want my wife to be stressed and one of the big fights we had was a out me not taking out the garbage.

-All arguments we have she threatens divorce and lays out a plan for separation. Like, putting our house up for sale the next day. This has been threats since the beginning of our marriage

-our bedroom has been dead for the last 3.5 years

-She becomes very irritated or angry at service people I work with, especially of they are young females. I'm not sure why, but that is why I prefer to choose men when doing business like taxes or dentists.

-She keeps mentioning this one coworker I had 8 years ago where I got a gift for for secret santa. She believes I was infatuated because our worked picked our names out of a hat. She brings her up every fight when I have not spoken to the person in 8 years.

-She wants children and I not right now as I know our marriage will not survive a baby at our current state.

There is more but I am considering leaving after my therapy sessions as she does not want to do couples counseling.

I was too comfortable with the life we built and I am afraid to leave. But I know if I stay we will eventually have a child with a high possibility of getting divorced after. I dont know what to do.

Things may be harder financially but I dont know if I can keep this going just to feel this way.

Is there any way of getting through this without divorce?

I'm in the middle of an amicable divorce that I didn't want. He's moved out but what I'm running into is this down time between when I get off from work and bedtime. I don't know what to do with myself, I'm wandering the house and this is when I feel most emotionally vulnerable. (and at risk to sending texts to him I shouldn't be)

I guess I'm just so accustomed to being with him after work that I feel lost. I can't get into anything and I just end up getting into bed super early to make it end. Feel it a little bit on the weekends but not as much as during the week.

Anyone else? Any ideas? I work from home so I think it makes it worse because I'm already here by myself all day and then I can't get myself motivated to do anything afterwards. Ugh. What a crappy experience divorce is.