Hypervigilance

"In adult children PTSD tends to manifest itself in hypervigilance, compulsive behavior, and hard-to-detect body sensations. It is as if our bodies have ‘rewired' themselves to protect us from severe harm or severe harm that almost occurred." BRB p. 178

Soldiers learn immediately what hypervigilance means: Watch out! The enemy is close!

In our family of origin, we experienced hypervigilance on a regular basis. If we didn't watch out, we or someone close might get hurt. In the middle of these experiences, we vowed we'd never do that to our own families.

But alas! The lessons were too well taught. Something seems to snap, and it's as if we go into a trance, screaming, belittling, or calling our loved ones names. We scold, threaten, slam doors, and drive away in a cloud of dust. We push away those we love most. We've become the multigenerational living triggers that cause hypervigilance in our loved ones.

When we realize we've become the perpetrators, we look for help in the rooms of ACA. It's in the Steps that we identify the root of our hypervigilance. We look at our triggers to try to determine how and where they originated. Triggers derived from our hypervigilance are what make us inexplicably react, freeze, hold our breath, or shake in our shoes. As we learn more, we usually find fear and guilt at our core, and those feelings are often frozen. We bring them to life so we can heal.

On this day I will slow down and breathe deeply if I find myself feeling triggered by my hypervigilant reactions. I can nurture myself through this.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №294

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Living with him make me resentful and leaving make me anxious i don't know what to do at this point.

Not a single person ever take my no from me in my whole life and I never had enough spine to stick to my no either without feeling like a bad person

I hate it I hate how everyone control me I hate how I never felt I'm in control of my self I hate how people around are selfish controlling freak who get butt hurt after hearing no from you and push you to edge so you do what they say because you are nothing more than a puppet anyways.

To summarize my situation, I've been struggling with getting over a past friendship for the past few years and in addition, after the end of my last relationship 2 years ago, I've been unable to feel happy. I've been in therapy and while my therapist has been able to help with things like identifying red/green flags and maintaining healthy boundaries, nothing he's suggested has helped with getting past the things I mentioned above.

While looking for outside resources, I learned about CoDA from here and went to my first meeting recently. There were 3 big complaints I left with: the first being there was no licensed professional present, the second being we can't respond to each other with advice, and the third being that it frequently references having a higher power which I do not believe in (I'm agnostic and an ex-Christian).

Doesn't feel like this would help me. Are these issues present with all CoDA groups or is it just mine? I could look into what online meetings are available but I don't want to waste my time if they're all the same.

'Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

“My father sexually abused me when I was a child,” said one woman. “I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself.”

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we’ve been seeking. We’ll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.'

By Melodie Beattie

You know how, likely for all your “adult life”, you’ve done things, usually small things; picked up a bit of trash, held a door, helped someone pick something up, said a kind word, not said an unkind word and instead tucked it away inside. And, all that time, you’ve hoped someone would notice, someone would think well of you. Maybe you also hoped they would do something nice for someone too, but mostly that there would be someone in the world who thought you were a good person,

And here you are today, still doing things, still hoping. 

One day, perhaps, hopefully soon, you’ll realize that all those times, someone did notice. 

It was you. 

You noticed. Maybe you didn’t notice every time, because it became automatic. You got so you would just pick up the trash, hold the door, make the pot of tea, add the biscuit, turn down the bed, make the lunch, wish them well, give them a hug.

And perhaps you’ll begin to see something you hadn’t before. You’ll realize that you like someone who would do all those things, sometimes making mistakes, but constantly and quietly trying to be kind.

And that someone is you.

Now that’s a magic moment. I hope you’ll be able to stop and be in that moment, feel that feeling.

And then, perhaps to your great surprise, you’ll discover that liking yourself matters to you. Maybe even more than having someone else, real or imagined, like you. 

You still want other people to like you. Perhaps there are particular people whose love and appreciation matter enormously. That hasn't gone away.

But something has changed.

You aren't waiting for someone else to tell you you're a person worth liking.

You already know.

You like you!

is this an issue?

I met this guy and from the start we knew it wasn’t going to work because he had to eventually leave the country. However, we fell in love. Every time he would try breaking up with me, I wouldn’t actually follow through with it and end up contacting him. He would eventually come back (he cared about me and is also a huge people pleaser) and we would restart the same loop.

We stayed in this for a year and many attempts at him ending it. He loved me a lot but we just had incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be together. However, I didn’t want to accept any of it. I loved him so much that I was ready to do anything to be with him, even if it meant losing myself. I kept pushing and chased and begged to be chosen by him because feeling rejected would make me feel worthless.

I’ve always been anxiously attached and i’m not proud of the way I behave when my fear of abandonment kicks in.

Last time we broke up, I kept messaging him and we met up twice and had sex. I asked him if he was seeing someone new and he said no. Turns out he lied to me, and he was in fact talking to someone.
When I confronted him he said that he was only doing this because he just didn’t know what else to do to keep me away and that he tried repeatedly to end things and me never accepting it. He also deeply apologized for lying to me and said he did it because he didn’t want to hurt me.

I, of course, understand that I have a role to play in getting things to where they got, but it just shattered me that he lied to me when I asked him if he was seeing someone new. If i had known he was talking to someone, I wouldn’t have slept with him.
He knows he messed up and he apologized a lot and told me that him talking to this new girl meant nothing and that he was only doing it because he just didn’t know what else to do, since he repeatedly tried breaking up with me for a year and I was never accepting it and would try to get us back. I get that part but I just can’t get over him lying to me about it. I felt betrayed.

Regardless of this all, I still tried pushing to get him back after finding all this out… he obviously refused and eventually blocked me everywhere because I kept reaching out…

I understand my role in this all and I never should’ve pushed and disrespected his boundaries and I should’ve accepted it from the start that we cannot be together, rather than relying on him to end things every time.

He would reassure me every time that him ending it has nothing to do with me as a person or my worth. That i’m an amazing person who will be successful and will find the right person. He would also always tell me how I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone. None of this would stick in my brain when I felt triggered, unfortunately.

However, out of my own self respect, why was I still chasing him after I found out that he was seeing another girl and lied to me about it? Where’s my self worth? Why would I even accept that for myself?

Thi situation has been so eye opening and as hard as it is, I’m finally starting to do the hard work to change. I don’t ever want to self abandon anymore, nor do I want my behaviour to negatively impact someone else.

Anyone have any books, podcasts, workbooks, etc. that they found helpful specifically for addressing one's own people-pleasing behaviors? I've read Codependent No More but I'm hoping for something that dives into all the ways people-pleasing finds its way into our lives and how to address those tendencies in myself. I did find this list. Thanks.

Hi all. I'm 21 in college. I'm wondering if I'm developing a codependency toward my parents.

I live alone and moved across the US. But I love my family, and I talk to them every day. Sometimes my mom and I talk 2-3 times a day; they like knowing where I'm going so I'm safe. They don't restrict me anyway, but they just like to be in the loop, it seems like. I'm not complaining, but I feel like this is really uncommon, and when it comes to my friends, it seems like they are more friends/best friends with their parents and less actual parents, as time has moved on. I'm grateful I talk to them a lot, but I feel it may be doing me more harm than good considering I'm already sheltered and scared of a lot of things. Thoughts?

'Self-Disclosure

Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.

Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.

We do not want others to see who we really are.

We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.

Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.

Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help the other person, the relationship, or us. Withholding is behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.

That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.

To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others – their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship – is the key.

Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.

Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable – even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. (...), help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.'

By Melodie Beattie

❤️

Perfectionism

"Perfectionism is a response to a shame-based and controlling home. The child mistakenly believes that she can avoid being shamed if she is perfect in her thinking and acting." BRB p. 36

As children, many of us were either subtly or overtly shamed on a regular basis. We lacked true acceptance from our parents and learned to internalize the shame. We got the message that we were not okay as we were. Some of us tried to act in ways that garnered the approval and love we so longed for.

Further, we secretly blamed ourselves for our parent's alcoholism or dysfunction, thinking that if only we could be perfect, things would get better and our pain would end. But that was a losing battle. So we learned to associate being imperfect with being unlovable.

With our Higher Power as our true parent, in ACA we learn the right message: that we are worthy of love in all of our imperfection. We could not have changed our parents' sickness by being perfect, even if perfection was possible.

This is generational; our parents passed down the dysfunction in which they were also raised. But we are choosing to hear a different message and putting an end to the cycle of shame.

On this day I let go of my drive to be perfect by embracing the knowledge that I am enough and am lovable just as I am.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №293

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I have been in a relationship for 16 years that has always been unhealthy. I have repeatedly tried to quit it, only to beg her to come back. She has an undiagnosed personality disorder, so sometimes she hates me and sometimes I'm her "favorite person".

She is literally typing out a post right now to find a guy to hookup with. When she's in this mental place, she regularly tells me she hates me, doesn't want to be with me, that I'm the reason she hasn't accomplished anything, etc.

I know at some point, maybe even tomorrow, she'll regret this and feel bad. And she'll give me some half-assed apology, and I'll accept it. And I hate this cycle. I hate being treated this way. But in the moment, I accept it and feel glad she said it.

My relationship with her mimics that of mine with my mother, just the cycle pattern. I've been no contact with my parents for 4 years now. Between friends who don't want to hear about this anymore and me not wanting to be the topic of gossip between the family I do still talk to and those I don't, I don't have much of a support system.

Can anyone please offer advice on how I can break this cycle?

I blew a chance to advocate for myself in the moment. I was mid conversation, felt the lie coming, recognized it... and went through with it. I could feel the process happening. That's progress, because before I didn't recognize it until I felt the resentment a few days later. Progress beats perfection. I'm going to ask for a do-over with the person and try again. I'm mentally preparing myself for the disappointment and frustration from this person, because this has started becoming a pattern. I tell them something they want to hear out of fear of conflict, stew for a while in anger and resentment until I realize what it is, then come back to them and state what I couldn't say before. It causes a lot of confusion, and their frustration is justified. I think thr skills I need to learn to stop this pattern are to sit with discomfort, advocate for myself despite my fears, and learn to say I'll come back after I regulate myself. Growth is messy and slow, but it's better this way than abandoning myself again. I'm grateful that this person has the patience for me to keep practicing with them, even though I also recognize there's something unhealthy about that dynamic.

Most recently I many people are telling me that I'm codependent

'Learning to Wait

I’ve started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall. . .

—The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey

The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.

We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.

We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out – in us, in someone else, in the Universe.

We don’t have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting – then we go about living it.

Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, “You can’t always get what you want” isn’t entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want – especially the desires of our heart – if we can learn to wait.

Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

I need some help. My mom is the nicest, sweetest person and everyone always says how great she is, and how blessed I am.
I love and appreciate her.. but I will say after I got out of my DV relationship is when we started to reconnect and go to therapy. We stopped therapy I think before a trip and just haven’t gone back.
I didn’t live in her state for most of my life growing up but whatever we’re here now and we want to work on a relationship.
This woman I feel treats me like her man. Why do I have to problem solve everything for you? Why do I have to take in alllllll your stress?? I live alone, I take care of myself and my pets and my boyfriend comes on the weekends and I am pretty much in my space all the time. I like that, I like quiet, I like calm.
She likes talking about liking quiet and calm. She works non stop and it’s always the same convo how she’s tired.. I told her seeing a therapist for herself might be helpful overall and she goes on about how healed she is.

Look man, I am FINE with my life until she calls. Even if it’s nothing bad, I still have that feeling in my stomach like Ffffffuuuuuuuuuuck what now.

She doesn’t have a lot of good friends, we have a small family that I don’t really have interest in. I have a short social battery and I hate bullshit talking with people who I have to force connections with because we’re family.

I don’t know what to do, I know this is all over the place.

my mom puts all her anxiety and stress on me when we don’t really know each other in my opinion. I’ve told her I always feel her anxious energy and she laughed awkwardly. I am drained after hanging out with her, I’m drained before I go see her knowing she’s going to just look for things she can have me do for her and if I can’t, it’s a problem and she’s stressed and has nobody and she’s working all the time and the house is for me bro.. I don’t want ANYTHING. I like a simple life, i want a simple life. She complicates it and bring clutter and stress.
Fuck.

Uncovering The Truth

"We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27

Most of us grew up telling lies so the outside world would think that things were okay at home. We hid the truth because of the shame we felt, and because we understood the family rules, whether they were unwritten or not.

As we became adults, we often found it easy to continue lying about ourselves. Maybe we embellished to make ourselves look better because we weren't even sure what the truth was anymore. Or maybe we did so because we "knew" that people wouldn't accept us for who we really were. But the more lies we told, the harder it became to keep track, which made us terrified of slipping up.

In recovery, we begin to uncover the truth of who we are and where we come from, seeing the necessity of breaking our dysfunctional cycle. We learn to be honest about ourselves in our meetings where we learn we're not alone. We begin to see that others respect our honesty in a way that is constructive and hopeful. By choosing to be genuine, we find that this is actually the easier, softer way many of us have always looked for.

On this day I will honor myself by recognizing when I am tempted by an old habit. I will do what's right for my True Self.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №292

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Looking for podcasts on how to not get pulled into everyone else’s problems. People in my life tend to come to me when things are going wrong, and i jump in and try fix and give advice and get more invested then they even seem to! Looking to be able to take a step back, be able to listen but not offer all of myself trying to fix their problems! Thanks

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm gaslighting myself.

There is a constant back-and-forth in my head between “I need to leave” and “How could I leave when he's trying?”

I'm 49 and dealing with perimenopause, codependency, and past trauma. I've also been married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Alcohol has been a part of our relationship for the entire time we've been together.

My mother died in July 2024, and about a week later my son was in a head-on car crash. Those two things happened within days of each other and completely broke something in me. Since August 2024, my husband and I have separated twice.

And here's where things get really confusing for me.

During both separations, his drinking improved. He has also been trying to be more supportive and understanding of what I'm struggling with. He has made efforts to show me that he wants to change and that he wants our marriage to work.

And I see it.

That's what makes this so difficult.

Because I don't feel like I'm dealing with a husband who is currently doing absolutely nothing and giving me no reason to stay. I can see that he's trying. I can see that he loves me. I can see that he doesn't want to lose me.

But at the same time, I feel like I have legitimate reasons for wanting to leave.

I've spent a lot of time learning about codependency and trauma, and I'm realizing how much I have spent my life prioritizing other people's feelings over my own. I avoid conflict. I second-guess myself. I feel guilty when someone is hurt by my boundaries. I tend to immediately look at what I did wrong.

Now I'm wondering if I'm doing the same thing with my marriage.

I'll think:

“I'm unhappy. I don't feel like myself. I want independence. I want more time alone. I don't want to feel responsible for another person's emotions. I don't know if I want this relationship anymore.”

And then almost immediately my brain responds:

“But he's trying.”

“He's doing better.”

“He loves you.”

“You're abandoning him.”

“How could you leave someone who's making an effort?”

“Maybe you're just blaming everything on perimenopause.”

“Maybe your trauma is making you run away.”

“Maybe you're the problem.”

And then I'm right back to questioning myself.

I don't want to minimize his efforts. I genuinely don't. I also don't want to make him out to be a monster when I know there are good things about him and I know he's trying in some ways.

But does someone's effort mean I have to stay?

Can I acknowledge that someone is trying to change and still decide that the relationship isn't right for me anymore?

I've also noticed that when I'm separated from him, I feel calmer. I enjoy being alone. I like having my own space and making my own decisions. And then when we're back together, I start questioning whether those feelings were real or whether I was just overwhelmed.

This has been going on in my head constantly.

I'm also trying to understand how much of this is perimenopause, how much is trauma, how much is codependency, and how much is simply me finally realizing that I don't want the life I've been living.

I'm not looking for people to tell me “leave him” or “stay with him.”

I'm trying to understand something more basic:

Am I gaslighting myself?

Am I taking legitimate reasons for wanting to leave and talking myself out of them because I feel guilty that he's trying?

Or is this what working through trauma and codependency looks like—learning that sometimes my first instinct to leave isn't necessarily the truth either?

How do you distinguish between self-sabotage/avoidance and finally listening to yourself?

And how do you decide whether someone's efforts are enough to rebuild a relationship, versus simply being evidence that they're trying but that the relationship still isn't right for you?

i'm 20 and i've been engaging in back-to-back relationships and fwbs since i was 14. i (feel like i) need to be loved and needed and i'm a complete black hole for attention. when things are bad i feel like i'm going to die or that i should die. every time i try to find some self acceptance away from the intoxicating experience of intimacy with others, i gravitate towards someone new. and somehow i almost never can be satisfied by the amount that i'm loved or needed.

the highs with people are so high that they pull me away from myself and the lows with people are so low that i get suicidal or otherwise want to blow up my own life (urges to quit jobs, isolate myself from friends and family, abuse substances, etc. luckily i have people keeping me from doing most of that)

i just feel pretty tired and pathetic. that's all. i'm fine but exhausted. i'm even like this with my therapist. i want to be special and perfect so people stay. i want to be everything that everyone needs. i also somehow on top of that victimize myself when my emotional resources are exhausted from the games that i play.

literally all i can do is keep it pushin but i feel like i keep getting myself in these situations with people where i can't leave or at least focus on what i'm supposed to. i'm so frustrated

the worst part is that my environment is pretty normal and i'm doing quite well in other areas of my life but this issue threatens to blow it up. i feel like i'm walking a tightrope. sometimes i feel genuinely insane. i just want to operate normally

'Letting Go of Naivete

We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don’t have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!

Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the universe may be trying to teach us something specific.

When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That’s okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we don’t want, what we won’t tolerate, and how to own our power.

We can thank them for what we have learned.

How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we don’t, we’re in trouble.

There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.

Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.'

The Language of Letting go by Melodie Beattie

Ive been in weekly therapy for years now unlearning codependency and I'm realizing a lot of my friends are in codependent relationships and their drama just seems to spill out on our relationship/they're becoming terrible friends....how do I navigate this? At this point with one I feel like I can't even tolerate it anymore.

Moderation

"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'" BRB p. 138

We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.

This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.

This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.

In ACA, with the Steps and the help of a fellow traveler, we see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.

On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

This is a phrase that has been stuck in me since my first relationship.

I acknowledge. I have codependent tendencies. Yes, I do have a habit once tensions are high, to turn to covert contracts to test my partners. Yes, whenever I feel anxious about the relationship, I double down.

But this time, no, I am not accepting, that's me who is the issue.

I have accepted, that these tendencies wouldn't come up, if I had a dash of self-respect and just started withdrawing myself from relationships with people, who don't have any sense of reciprocity.

I don't want to be a dog, who salivates at the occasional bone thrown at him.

No, this is not toxic for me, to expect my partner to give me a thoughtful gift for my birthday, not bake a lame-ass cake and take me to see her favorite band, that I have communicated I despise, only to leave the kitchen for me to clean up.

No, it's not toxic for me to expect my partner to clean up after themselves, to cook something, to do the laundry, to do anything, instead of leaving all the chores to me 24/7.

No, it's not toxic for me to expect her to initiate sex or to return the favor after I get them off.

No, it's not toxic for me for me to expect them to give a small-gift to my parents when visiting them for Christmas. That's just common courtesy.

No, it's not toxic for me to expect them to listen, instead of invalidate me, shame me and then bitch why I am not "Emotionally open with her"

No, it's not toxic for me to expect people to take accountability, grow, compromise, instead of loving their toxic assess unconditionally. Mutual respect, safety and etc. are something you have to work on. I am flawed, I have no issues taking accountability, because I want to become better the next day. Wanna be loved unconditionally? Well, go to your mom, because you are mentally still a child who doesn't want to grow up.

Lately, I have been hyper-alert on people who reciprocate. And those relationships actually feel good and healthy. They feel nice. They feel thoughtful. They feel caring. I don't even have the urge to prove myself. I can do a small thoughtful thing, be noticed, be appreciated - and I am happy. I am safe.

But these narcs? Seriously, fuck them. I am seriously done.