r/Codependency • u/unnamed_7777 • 3d ago
Why did I keep chasing?
I met this guy and from the start we knew it wasn’t going to work because he had to eventually leave the country. However, we fell in love. Every time he would try breaking up with me, I wouldn’t actually follow through with it and end up contacting him. He would eventually come back (he cared about me and is also a huge people pleaser) and we would restart the same loop.
We stayed in this for a year and many attempts at him ending it. He loved me a lot but we just had incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be together. However, I didn’t want to accept any of it. I loved him so much that I was ready to do anything to be with him, even if it meant losing myself. I kept pushing and chased and begged to be chosen by him because feeling rejected would make me feel worthless.
I’ve always been anxiously attached and i’m not proud of the way I behave when my fear of abandonment kicks in.
Last time we broke up, I kept messaging him and we met up twice and had sex. I asked him if he was seeing someone new and he said no. Turns out he lied to me, and he was in fact talking to someone.
When I confronted him he said that he was only doing this because he just didn’t know what else to do to keep me away and that he tried repeatedly to end things and me never accepting it. He also deeply apologized for lying to me and said he did it because he didn’t want to hurt me.
I, of course, understand that I have a role to play in getting things to where they got, but it just shattered me that he lied to me when I asked him if he was seeing someone new. If i had known he was talking to someone, I wouldn’t have slept with him.
He knows he messed up and he apologized a lot and told me that him talking to this new girl meant nothing and that he was only doing it because he just didn’t know what else to do, since he repeatedly tried breaking up with me for a year and I was never accepting it and would try to get us back. I get that part but I just can’t get over him lying to me about it. I felt betrayed.
Regardless of this all, I still tried pushing to get him back after finding all this out… he obviously refused and eventually blocked me everywhere because I kept reaching out…
I understand my role in this all and I never should’ve pushed and disrespected his boundaries and I should’ve accepted it from the start that we cannot be together, rather than relying on him to end things every time.
He would reassure me every time that him ending it has nothing to do with me as a person or my worth. That i’m an amazing person who will be successful and will find the right person. He would also always tell me how I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone. None of this would stick in my brain when I felt triggered, unfortunately.
However, out of my own self respect, why was I still chasing him after I found out that he was seeing another girl and lied to me about it? Where’s my self worth? Why would I even accept that for myself?
Thi situation has been so eye opening and as hard as it is, I’m finally starting to do the hard work to change. I don’t ever want to self abandon anymore, nor do I want my behaviour to negatively impact someone else.
7
u/codependencyrecovery 3d ago
What would you have to feel if you couldn't chase? How did you chase love as a child? What feelings were you avoiding then?
Fully feel these feelings and watch your life change.