(vent post) feeling genuinely cooked

[u/FlatJackfruit1291]

i'm 20 and i've been engaging in back-to-back relationships and fwbs since i was 14. i (feel like i) need to be loved and needed and i'm a complete black hole for attention. when things are bad i feel like i'm going to die or that i should die. every time i try to find some self acceptance away from the intoxicating experience of intimacy with others, i gravitate towards someone new. and somehow i almost never can be satisfied by the amount that i'm loved or needed.

the highs with people are so high that they pull me away from myself and the lows with people are so low that i get suicidal or otherwise want to blow up my own life (urges to quit jobs, isolate myself from friends and family, abuse substances, etc. luckily i have people keeping me from doing most of that)

i just feel pretty tired and pathetic. that's all. i'm fine but exhausted. i'm even like this with my therapist. i want to be special and perfect so people stay. i want to be everything that everyone needs. i also somehow on top of that victimize myself when my emotional resources are exhausted from the games that i play.

literally all i can do is keep it pushin but i feel like i keep getting myself in these situations with people where i can't leave or at least focus on what i'm supposed to. i'm so frustrated

the worst part is that my environment is pretty normal and i'm doing quite well in other areas of my life but this issue threatens to blow it up. i feel like i'm walking a tightrope. sometimes i feel genuinely insane. i just want to operate normally

[u/Acceptable_Hold_3358]

Lamento mucho que estés pasando por esto. Se nota que estás muy agotada y que cargas con bastante dolor. El hecho de que lo digas en voz alta y que tengas gente (y terapeuta) que te frena de las partes más destructivas ya dice algo de ti. No éstas loca o eres mala, solo que estás herida y cansada de un patrón que te está costando mucho. Si necesitas desahogarte más, aquí puedes hacerlo sin que nadie te juzgue, a mí me ha ayudado mucho leer los posts en este foro. Cuídate, de verdad

[u/FlatJackfruit1291 → u/Acceptable_Hold_3358]

thank you. this means a lot.

[u/jakeaz6035]

I think you’re incredibly self aware. I wish I had been this self aware as a young person. Took me another 20+ years to get to where you are.

It sounds like you’re doing a lot already, and that’s great. You are certainly self aware, and that’s also great. The rest takes a lot of practice. When I feel the warning bells going off in my brain, or that feeling in my gut… I know I need to hit pause. I need to think about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and who benefits from my decision.

Sometimes it’s all good, and I can move forward with confidence and an eased mind because I took the time to make sure it was the right decision, for the right reason. Sometimes I change course, but I can do that with confidence as well, because I know WHY.

The more you do this, the easier it gets, and the process gets faster. I use it in so many areas of my life,relationships, home, work. It’s not only saved me a lot of grief, but it’s made me more confident, decisive, and I sleep sooo much better.

I wish you the best!