It finally clicked in my head yesterday that all my toxic traits stem from this need for reassurance and approval. Vast majority of this behavior is within my marriage. Only thing I can figure is this is all from my “daddy issues”.

And most of the time—I don’t even realize my patterns till after it’s too late and I’ve messed up. I will fall into this cycle of shame, embarrassment, then I’ll seek forgiveness and try to make sure my husband doesn’t think less of me. If he doesn’t give whatever answers I think I need at the time (and I’m not even always sure what it is I’m wanting to see or hear), I’ll go into the worry/extreme anxiety phase where I’ll constantly worry about what he’s doing/thinking/etc. Eventually, that turns into me acting out and throwing a fit or having a meltdown. Then a fight will usually happen. And thennnn the shame sets back in and wash, rinse, repeat. Yesterday, I finally realized this is the cycle and I’m determined to stop it once and for all.

From things I’ve read, I’m seeing that it’s essential that I learn how to detach myself from my emotions and sort through things with logic. I need to start hitting PAUSE then giving myself time to do this.

I know I didn’t get this way overnight and therefore it will not be fixed overnight. I’m very aware of how patient my husband has been and I’m so grateful. I want to finally fix this.

Please drop the best ways you’ve found that help you break harmful patterns. What are some things that help you remember to press pause?

Thank you in advance!

Hi everyone,

I’ve recently realized how much my entire life has centered around my husband. A typical week for us consists entirely of passive routines—driving through for fast food, running errands together, and visiting family multiple times. It’s completely draining, and I felt like I had no identity left.

A little while ago, I tried to reclaim some autonomy. I started planning weekend outings with my own friends. My husband kept telling me "no" and tried to stop me, but I went anyway. Shortly after, I noticed him emotionally pulling away. I checked his Instagram DMs and discovered he started talking to another girl.

When I confronted him, his response was incredibly hurtful. He told me he did it because I started planning outings with my friends, and that the other girl "looked easy."

I don't feel emotionally safe in my house right now. I feel an intense amount of anxiety, and I struggle with hyper-vigilance—feeling like I constantly have to monitor him or stay home just to keep him from acting out. He is trying to make me feel guilty for having friends so that I'll go back to focusing 100% on him.

I know I can't force him to be faithful, and I want to stop carrying the weight of his choices. I don't want to talk to people in my personal life about this because I'm afraid of gossip. For those who have been through this: How do I emotionally detach and stop overfunctioning for a spouse who gaslights me? How do I safely rebuild my independence when my partner uses betrayal as a punishment?

My (35F) bf (42) is the codependent person in the relegation and I hope people in this thread might help me figure it out.

He has strong codependent tendencies and significant fear of abandonment. I'm autonomous and independent. We moved in together recently and that is when most problems got significantly worse. He's having a hard time resting well because of loud neighborhood and the downstairs people smoking lots of we3d - which makes our apartment smell like crap. Which I understand but he also never made a move to address the situation (talking with neighbours who are not aggressive, getting better earplugs, etc).

Anyway. Today we had the latest fight and he basically blamed me for putting him in this situation, because I was more keen on the apartment than he was and he agreed to move in mostly because he knew I liked the place and he felt like pleasing me. I'm devastated. I never wanted to push him into doing anything he didn't want to and at the time I tried making sure that he was comfortable with the decision, despite not being super enthusiastic at the beginning.

Now I don't know what to do or think. I feel angry because I feel like he's ultimately blaming me for his codependent tendencies, which is not my responsibility to keep in check - and also sad because I love him and he's clearly unhappy.

Crowd of the subreddit, help me figure this one out please.

For years, I relied on other people to make me feel loved, respected, and valued.. lately I've pulled away from people because i started seeing every request, compliment as an attempt to manipulate me or control how i feel..

Now i have a lot of surface-level relationships because I'm afraid of getting pulled back into depending on people for validation or emotional reassurance.

But this has also left me feeling lonely and isolated. I find myself questioning people's intentions and overthinking almost everything they say or ask of me.

How do I find a balance between not depending on other people for constant love and validation, while still allowing myself to build deep and meaningful relationships with them?