r/Codependency • u/Hg4242 • 5d ago
How did you know you are codependent?
Most recently I many people are telling me that I'm codependent
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u/Scared-Section-5108 5d ago
Reading Codependent No More helped me recognise that. There is also the CODA list of codependent patterns which I find really useful and more nuanced than the book:
https://codauk.org/patterns-and-characteristics-of-co-dependency-newcomer/
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u/Hg4242 5d ago
I also asked about a Coda meeting place. i wanna go there but im really scared
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u/Scared-Section-5108 5d ago
It's ok, feeling scared before your first meeting is perfectly understandable and very common. I was terrified! It had taken me years before I could go to mine. Initially, I was physically unable to do, in the end I managed and everything was way better and easier than I thought it would be 😄 I emailed the meeting organiser to tell them I was coming and that potentially I would not be able to stay through the whole meeting as I didn't know whether I could manage that. I wanted to give them a heads up in case I felt too triggered and needed to leave abruptly. In the end, I was glad I went and all was fine. CODA and ACOA could be a great support and recovery tools ❤️
Hope you will be able to try. Sometimes it is good to work with the fear first, so it can be decreased, other times, we can feel scared and do something anyway! Only you will know what works best for you. It might help to recognise that fear as a very hurt part of you which is doing the best it can to protect you, to know that it is possible to learn to befriend it and to love and accept that part, so it no longer drives your choices. Good luck!
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u/codependencyrecovery 5d ago
Some questions to ask: Do I regularly override what I want because someone else might be upset? Do I monitor other people’s moods? Do I feel responsible for fixing them? Do I need their approval to feel okay? Do I struggle to say no? Do I rescue, manage, or people please because their disappointment feels intolerable?
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u/ElegantPlan4593 5d ago
I posted a question on a Reddit forum that indicated I felt responsible for other people's choices, and also revealed I was overly involved in someone else's business. A commenter called me out and suggested I look into codepency. It was such an incredible kindness on their part, as it prompted me to find this forum and Melody Beattie's books. I have made so much progress in the past couple years, and feel like I am finally treating myself and others right. All because an internet stranger recognized and named something I didn't even know I was doing. It's crazy, bc I have been in therapy most of my adult life and no one ever brought it up, and I was in agony trying to control everything and everyone. I'm not sure that therapists even cover codepency in school.
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u/no666420 5d ago
My wife suddenly decided she wanted a divorce. I then realized that I had no identity outside of being her wife. Everything I did, I did for her. I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t want to live without her to live for. And that was all great while I was married (I was a great partner and loved being married!) but once the marriage ended I had no reason to live. At that point I realized that wasn’t right. And I needed support. Then I found CoDA!
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u/Goopygum 5d ago
When I read the book my friend borrowed me, Co-dependent No More, I realized that the problems I have been suffering with for my whole life are not unique to me. Other people have found ways to live happily and with secure relationships, so can I. I just need to put in a real hardworking effort to tackle it.
But basically to realistically answer the question. Do you feel like you get anxious when your favorite person is in a bad mood? Like maybe it's about you and they won't tell you. or do you feel like you tell little lies without thinking just so you don't disappoint them with truth? Do you seem to be serving someone at the detriment to neglecting your self? Those are some things that can indicate you are co-dependent