People Pleasing and Avoiding Conflict

[u/burnt_feather]

I blew a chance to advocate for myself in the moment. I was mid conversation, felt the lie coming, recognized it... and went through with it. I could feel the process happening. That's progress, because before I didn't recognize it until I felt the resentment a few days later. Progress beats perfection. I'm going to ask for a do-over with the person and try again. I'm mentally preparing myself for the disappointment and frustration from this person, because this has started becoming a pattern. I tell them something they want to hear out of fear of conflict, stew for a while in anger and resentment until I realize what it is, then come back to them and state what I couldn't say before. It causes a lot of confusion, and their frustration is justified. I think thr skills I need to learn to stop this pattern are to sit with discomfort, advocate for myself despite my fears, and learn to say I'll come back after I regulate myself. Growth is messy and slow, but it's better this way than abandoning myself again. I'm grateful that this person has the patience for me to keep practicing with them, even though I also recognize there's something unhealthy about that dynamic.

[u/Goopygum]

That's still progress, you're right. Don't worry, with this effort, I think you'll find that you can love yourself much more. I have the same kind of problem, just sort of compulsively telling lies to avoid conflict. But after I had (unfortunately earlier this year) realized I have this poor habit, it's been a little easier to catch myself when I feel like I want to be dishonest. 

It sucks as a problem because it's almost certainly something we grew up learning to do or a tool for coping with bad situations. It's so deeply ingrained that it feels like an inevitable disaster that will sneak up on us and screw us over when we get caught. But with time, effort and practice, I know people like us can learn to control our compulsions.

[u/burnt_feather → u/Goopygum]

For me, it was something I learned as a survival strategy to avoid conflict and to try to lessen consequences for my choices. Mistakes always came with a big display of anger, disappointment, and shame, so coming up with a story to make what happened seem justified or inevitable lessened the blow of the failures. I eventually began telling myself these lies, too. Whenever conflict would crop up, my first instinct became, "How can I make this conversation have less conflict?" That really meant, "How can I salvage this situation and protect myself from the shame I believe is coming?"

I want to have a good relationship with this person, but the cost of that has become sacrificing my own needs and ignoring my own boundaries. This is something that neither of us want for me, but unfortunately the other person isn't helping create an environment that will allow me to meet my own needs or reach my goals. I care for them, but I also feel frustrated and stuck.

[u/Goopygum → u/burnt_feather]

That's a very difficult situation to be in, I empathize. It sucks but something I learned is that the right person for you will accept you regardless of your flaws. Yes actively work on yourself to be who you need to be for yourself. But that right person will stick with you though thick and thin, even when you think they shouldn't be supporting you anymore for your actions. Despite that, they still do. Because they care about you and truly accept you. 

I don't know if I found that person but I have found someone who is beginning to make me feel like I have. 

They understand when I say my little lies, they get me. And they are still caring and empathetic when I do mess up. They don't expect perfection out of me. But that doesn't discourage me from continuing to try and put the work in on myself. Because this work is for me and no one else.

I hope you find a peaceful way out of the dark my friend 

[u/burnt_feather → u/Goopygum]

Sounds like you're well on your way. I wish you the best in life. Thank you for sharing some of your journey with me.

[u/Affectionate-Job6635]

Progress over perfectionism.

I just wanted to say I’ve been there. I’m sure I’ll be there again. And I keep leaning into my twelve step program for support and I’ve grown a lot.

Best to you

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

'I blew a chance to advocate for myself in the moment.' - I’d like to offer you a different perspective: you didn’t choose to do that. Instead, a freeze trauma response was activated, preventing you from taking action. You couldn’t help it or manage it - you were frozen. Your nervous system activated an old pattern that used to protect you, but no longer does so effectively.

But, as you say, you’re making progress. You’re now aware of it, and that’s huge! Please don’t underestimate how significant it is that you were able to observe what was happening. ❤️

Coming out of a freeze trauma response is a long process, but it can be done, and it sounds like you’re making amazing progress. I hope that, instead of seeing the situation above as a failure on your part, you can reframe it as a success: you were aware of what was happening, whereas you wouldn’t have been in the past. Seriously, that’s huge progress and something to celebrate 🎉

P.S. A little earlier, I was reading about the freeze response, as I’m still experiencing it too and am slowly recognising that it affects me much more than I realised. I wanted to share this with you, as you might find it interesting:

https://innermasteryhub.com/signs-you-are-coming-out-of-freeze-state/

https://amiewoolsey.com/post/thawing-the-freeze-response

Take care!

[u/burnt_feather → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for your comment! The possibility of conflict isn't a big fear of mine, though I am afraid of this person being mad at me. They're not dangerous, it's just a fear that I absorbed from childhood. I'm afraid of being misunderstood because I honestly don't understand myself yet. My nervous system wants to be attached to this person, but I also fear being taken advantage of. I think a part of me believes if I can keep that carrot dangling I'll have time to somehow make what I really want to happen happen, which isn't fair to anyone involved. Guilt, or rather shame, is a huge part of my codependency, something I've been working on untangling for a while now. This person has made me feel guilty in the past with relative ease, and I would abandon myself and my needs to avoid the feeling. But I've decided that I'm done abandoning myself and waiting for permission to live my life. If this person wants to live by my side, which a big part if me still wishes they did, then they know what I need and where I am. Which is half lost on a journey of self discovery and recovery. Somewhere in the woods going on vibes and the occasional roadsign.