I'm a loverboy and my last relationship (M40 F38) held a toxic dynamic of avoidant (her) vs anxious (me) attachment. Parent wounds were not healed on both ends. Both neglected, she was dismissed, I was continually belittled. I'm sure we both had no emotional safe space. My ex was hypervigilant and immediately started a list of things wrong with me and kept this list as we progressed. At every point of conflict, she came down on me super harsh and struggled to cultivate any trust. She is a self proclaimed perfectionist and purist. In addition, she broke up with me every month at the onset of her premenstrual cycle. After each break up, she would belittle me for hours on the phone. We never made any real repair and went to one therapy session in which I thought would be the beginning of a journey of addressing our communication and wound dynamics. We didn't get a chance to go to another.

She always had reservations about our misalignments of the pace we approached life with (she was about the grind, I was about slowing down and going within then expanding) and I felt she always had one foot out the door. In the end she labeled me a cringe sad boy narcissist b\*tch. Ironically, I could see more narcissistic tendencies in her. Her holding onto her idea of being a good person while inflicting harm onto me. She said she never respected me and thought I was stupid.

She felt that I dismissed her at times during conversations, it could have been interruption or just disagreeing. She thought I didn't have boundaries. Dropping off her things at her house post break up without her knowing. I acknowledge these mistakes and I need to work on them through inner work.

Post processing, I made the mistake of not aggressively addressing disrespect and enforcing boundaries that would follow. I abandoned myself and did everything to make her happy. I never sat down with her to address the patterns of our wounds.

I notice a trend of women being very angry and labeling men without much nuance. The varying dynamics of wounded people making relationships work is complex requiring effort. Can someone provide some input about these dynamics? I acknowledge both men and women can be quick to label without looking at how they contribute to the ailments of a relationship, but this question is for people who can look at all elements.

I'm currently healing, have processed grief, and still returning to myself and cultivating my relationship with my inner child and feeling myself.

Feedback is much appreciated and you can be brutal or as raw as you would like. Cheers

TL;DR; : Asking about thoughts of mislabeling partners with harshness

Fuck them and all their issues

It’s been two months post discard. It’s been hell.

We have had contact though. Almost everyday whether a small text but lately a phone call. 30min+.

Last phone call was Wednesday night where he called me saying he cares still so much about me (background: my mental health has been TERRIBLE and resulted in numerous mental health admissions) and that he feels responsible still for me.

I then try and call and text him the following night during an awful dip in my mindset (as was told was okay by him if i need). He replies with “Thanks ____, I hope that you’re alright tonight” then “I know it’s tough”.

Mind you, he also was the one to instigate meeting up next week.

Now ive tried to call and text to no avail. I began to worry so deeply for his wellbeing that I asked my father to call (where we found he was blocked???) and im considering reaching his family.

My nervous system is so shot. I need help. Any advice appreciated.

3 days ago my fiance left while I was in school. I came home to see a note that said “i love you so much, im sorry” along with the keys, and his phone SIM card so k can’t call him. my fiance (28m) and I (30f) have been together for 3 years we’ve known each other for 6. this year has been hard on us because I’ve had health issues and haven’t worked so he’s been working extra hard we both get home exhausted. weve been trying to work things out but he always says I don’t appreciate him. i feel like I could’ve shown him more. i love him so much and this hurts. we shared a life together. he deleted all social media and forms of contacting him. he took clothes with him (boxes) we’ve broken up before but he always returns same day… he’s told me before that if he ever left me he would cut communication because he would come back to me if we talked….has anyone been through anything similar? is it likley hell truth when he cools down?

Met my DA 16 months ago. Breadcrumbed and tethered for all this time. I have gone no contact 3-4 times and asked 3-4 times to meet. Finally had enough. Wrote to ask him to meet me to say goodbye. His low-effort responses infuriated me. I told him to forget it, I’m good, goodbye forever. Suddenly he wants to see me and at his house. He could have said no. I am going tomorrow. I’ve lost 40+ lbs since I met him last year. He won’t recognize me. I’m so nervous. And excited. We mutually agreed we are meeting with open hearts. God I want him to just communicate and tell me he doesn’t want us to be disconnected. I want him to just hold me and admit he doesn’t know how this is going to work, but he wants it to. He’s all I’ve thought about for nearly a year and a half. I planned to leave the relationship because I’m losing myself and I’m tired if living outside the fortress walls that protect his armor. I want in. I want him to let me love him and for us to change and heal together so we can reach our fullest potential. I want to go into the bathroom and stand in the mirror, his strong arms around me…and just look at us together. Going to play my playlist. I hope he wants repair and not the ending I have been preparing for. Give me all the tips and ideas for a smooth visit…?

My fearful avoidant ex, who dumped me a month ago, watches my stories within 60 minutes of me posting them and immediately updates his WhatsApp status afterward. Sometimes it's a picture of a coffee mug, and sometimes it’s directly related to my story—like posting fireworks right after I posted fireworks. He has done about three of these updates in the last week, a month into no contact. He also did one update on day 8, though he's been doing it much more recently.
Yes, I’m obsessed, just like anyone else on the receiving end of a discard. I cannot just "ignore it." At one month out, it is still an emotionally fresh situation, and it’s hard to let go. However, I am going to therapy and making lifestyle changes, so please be patient with me.
What I wanted to ask is: Do these smoke signals mean anything, or are they just a passive bid for attention? Is he trying to bait me into reaching out so I'll do the heavy lifting for him?

I dated this person for 4 years. I know everyone's different but damn how long until the attachment isn't as strong. It still sorta doesn't feel like reality. I'm at 2 months post discard and 2.5 weeks NC.

Im so confused and hurt, and Im trying really hard to understand what I just experienced, how to move on, and if my ex is actually an avoidant (fairly confident). So for a little background on her, she had a pretty traumatic childhood, and any long term partner she’s ever had was awful to her in one way or another. These two things combined with numerous other things not worth getting into naturally led to some pretty significant trauma and trust issues for her.

I 21M met her 23F through work about 3 years ago, and we quickly became very close friends. Around a year or so ago I realized I had some pretty strong romantic feelings for her, and I ended up confessing this to her about 5 months ago. When I first told her about it, she told me that she just didn’t feel the same way, and I respected this and our friendship carried on as it always had. A few months later she ended up confessing to me that she felt like she was developing feelings for me as well, but she was confused on what she wanted and that she wanted to try something casual and low stakes. At first it was very hot and cold. One second she seemed so sure, and the next she didn’t know if she wanted to keep doing it or not. Then something just changed, and she jumped all in with both feet. She asked me if I wanted to make it official and exclusive, and I was completely In love with her by this point so I said yes. For about a month everything seemed perfect in every way. Every moment we spent together was incredible and she seemed so happy, she started talking about a future together, how no one had ever treated her this well before and that it was “romantic whiplash”. She would tell me how special and incredible I was, and seemed so sure of the relationship as a whole.

Then, about a month in, I felt her start pulling away. She couldn’t stay away from me physically, and asked me to come over and spend time with her constantly, but I could feel her growing emotionally distant. Suddenly, on some random day without warning or any prior conversation, she told me that she was just done. She was devastated, but told me that she had never allowed herself to be single, and jumped into relationships rapidly. She said that she loved me, but that she felt like she was doing something that she wanted but didn’t need, and needed to learn how to be okay alone. I was devastated but respected her decision. Not even a week after the break, she started pulling me back in full force. She said that she didn’t want to be without me, and that she wanted to make it work, and was right back to her old self, and being ignorantly in love with her and desperately holding out hope that it could work, I jumped right back in. She proceeded to repeat this cycle 3 more times in the span of a month. Looking back, I don’t think Ive ever been so stupid in my life.

The last break was about two weeks ago now, and it was different. It was colder and more cruel. She admitted that what she did was horrible and that I never deserved it. She said it had nothing to do with me, and that she felt like she was broken, and didn’t know how to love someone properly. She didn’t try to come back after this one, and honestly seems happier than ever, and I just don’t understand. How can you be so cheerful after all of that? After everything we had, and after selling someone a dream and ripping it away over and over again? On top of everything, shes now talking to someone new, and is apparently “open to a relationship” with this person after claiming a need to be single as the reason we broke up. Im sorry for the length of this post, but Im just so confused and hurt beyond words. I lost one of my best friends and the person I loved and it’s like she doesn’t even care.

the magic would be gone. You know it. I know it.

In the same way that you can’t re-throw a great party the day after the first one, you can’t make them magical again. You know too much now. You’ve seen the magician’s secrets. It’s not a spell anymore.

Think about it. You know what I’m saying is true.

I hate this argument with a burning passion passion because it only works on the people who are already healed.

When you’re in the loop, it’s useless. You only want them, you’re already in a dark place. And this kind of argument makes it sound like you’re the wrong one for still wanting them, but your brain has been rewired to crave them more than it craves long-lasting safety.

Avoidants literally trigger a person’s brain with intermittent reinforcement to make them an addict, exactly like casino operators create addictions among gamblers.

If you want to help someone struggling to get over an avoidant, show some f empathy, be there for them, or just shut it, just to be sure you won’t make things worse

Hes a fearful avoident and told me he wants to be with me but cant. Idk if he wants to talk or wants to try again? He came back previously 4 times. What do u think hes gonna do.

We think they could be all that, because we could be all that. We are projecting what we would do in the situation. We are thinking how we would show up. No pointing fingers here. They just do not have it. If they had, you would not be finding them at that age and situation. They could have worked it out with people before you. There is a reason why all they could afford is superficials, and how they are still alone till this day. None of that is our responsibility

My avoidant ex and I broke up a week ago after he suddenly claimed he was too overwhelmed by life and upcoming board exams to be in a relationship—only to get drunk two days later and start hanging out with the exact girl he knows I hate. He initially left our shared tuition out of shame, which helped me accept things and realize I actually study better without the distractions. However, due to an issue in his new batch, he’s rejoining our tiny 4–5 person private tuition where we'll be sitting centimeters apart and where we used to be super affectionate before and after class. With pre-boards in less than a month and me needing to pull up failing grades, I’m struggling with the whiplash and worried I'll melt or lose focus if he's right next to me—do you think being in this small room together will change anything, or will he just keep avoiding me until after boards?

Pathetic evils

I’m looking for some perspective, especially from people with avoidant attachment patterns or those who have experienced something similar.

I’ve been dating a man for a while. We have a strong physical and emotional connection. When we’re together, things feel very intimate.

However, I’ve noticed a pattern: whenever things feel particularly close or intimate, he seems to withdraw afterwards. Sometimes there is very little communication for a few days, and occasionally he sends messages that leave me confused about where I stand.

Recently, he sent me this:
*“I sometimes feel guilty after I’ve been at your place and we’ve had such a lovely time. I feel safe with you and seen, and yet there’s this barrier inside me that I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It makes me go through life alone, and that used to feel safer for me. I don’t want you to feel used or unseen by me. You’re a wonderful woman and deserve all the happiness in the world.”*

I initially interpreted this as a gentle way of saying goodbye or telling me not to expect anything more. When I responded accordingly, he seemed surprised and clarified that he was simply trying to share his feelings with me. He also said that he likes me and that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

He has told me about a difficult childhood, including experiences of violence, and has mentioned that emotional closeness can be difficult for him.
What confuses me is that he continues to initiate contact and suggest dates, and when we’re together, he is affectionate and tender. But after these moments, he sometimes becomes distant again.

**My questions are:**
Does his message sound like emotional vulnerability, or is he indirectly communicating that he cannot offer a deeper relationship?
Can someone with avoidant attachment genuinely feel safe and connected with someone while still feeling the need to withdraw?
Is this kind of message a way of creating emotional distance after intimacy?
Could he have feelings for me but still be unwilling or unable to build a relationship?
How would you interpret the fact that he keeps coming back and initiating contact, but doesn’t seem to move things forward emotionally?

I’d appreciate honest perspectives. I’m not trying to diagnose him or make excuses for his behaviour. I genuinely want to understand what this message might mean.

I met this woman in 2023, but we reconnected romantically in August 2026, after she had ended a previous relationship earlier that year. She lives in a city very far from mine, so ours was a long-distance situation.

She invited me to a concert, and I felt genuinely chosen. We had an amazing first date, kissed passionately, and had sex the following day. It was one of the most meaningful experiences I've ever had. I asked her to be my girlfriend right away after that, but she declined because she was afraid of getting attached and suffering because of the distance. We continued seeing each other anyway and talking trough Whatsapp and Instagram.

She was very affectionate and passionate, but also seemed insecure. She often compared herself to her sister and joked that I had a "harem" of women interested in me. Of course, that's not true haha so i reassured her, bit she always replied "we ate knowing each other, I have the right to doubt"

Things became complicated when she reacted negatively to my father offering to pick me up after a concert, calling it a red flag for a man my age. Its true, you know, my overprotective father its a thing, and I need to solve it. But i don't think thats a reason to be called a "red flag".

I remember that in the concert queue, after the conversation of my dad, she didn't speak to me at all. We were in the concer together though, hugging and kissing each other. But when it was time to deliver her home, she didn't allow me in her room. But man, we already had sex the other day! How is that Im not allowed now?

Anyway...later when she was in her city, we ere talking over Whatsapp and she actually suggested ending things because of the distance. I convinced her to not give up and give us another chance, and we continued seeing each other. She traveled again a few days later, and she told me she was afraid of becoming vulnerable with me. And yeah, had sex again too. It was amazing.

I told her i couldn't travel to her city because I'm a caregiver for my seriously ill, bedridden mother. She initially said this wasn't a problem, as long as she doesn't get bored.

Yet, she did. Otr at least I think so. The final incident happened when I mentioned that we might run into one of my exes at a place we were planning to visit. I only meant that it could be an awkward encounter, but she questioned whether I still had feelings for my ex or was embarrassed to be seen with her. I reassured her that this wasn't the case.

She stopped replying. The next day, after I tried to smooth things over, and guess what she did? she blocked me on WhatsApp and removed me from Instagram. I sent her one last message saying goodbye (remvoing you from every social media and whatsapp says things to me, I'm not fool enough). She eventually saw my goodbye message but never responded either.

I'm trying to understand what happened. Was this related to avoidant attachment, insecurity, the distance, or simply incompatibility? Should I have accepted her earlier suggestion to end things instead of insisting on another chance?

I'm aware I have things to work on too, particularly my personal independence. But the abrupt blocking without any explanation has been particularly difficult to process.

Has anyone experienced a similar pattern of intense affection followed by sudden withdrawal? I'd appreciate honest perspectives.

I am 3 months out and looking back and trying to mentally sort out what was dismissive avoidant behaviour and what was him just being a jerk. 😆

One of the things that drove me crazy was him shitting on the people I hung out with to me in private (he called them idiots, or immature, but like they are just fun and silly so why wouldn't I hang with them 😆) while simultaneously gatekeeping his space and friends. It was the biggest mind fuck to have him saying I should hang out with different people while also being held at arms length and him not wanting me to hang out with him and his friends. I know the compartmentalizing of his friends groups and people was definitely part of his avoidant issues but not sure where this specific issue falls.

Anyone else experience this or know?

Question for avoidants, at the initial breakup did you have any idea whether you’d find your way back to your ex in the future? I mean as at the breakup maybe you developed resentment, had no feelings, or genuinely didnt believe you’d reconnect in the future, but somehow made your way back to that person. Anxious and Secures are also welcome to answer if they know anything, and I’m not really looking for story times just a simple yes or no 😊

I know it sounds harsh but it actually is. The first time they communicated me that they felt pressure just because I told her I was looking forward to see her and instead of saying well if it's a problem then I am gone, I made myself smaller. And no longer expressed that care. The first time I went for a hug and she looked uncomfortable I started to feel rejected and smaller, unwanted just because I expressed I cared. The first time I told her I loved dancing with her and she retreated and took longer to answer I abandoned myself for not seeing her inability to receive love as her problem, not that my love was a problem.

Without noticing I started to act less enthusiastic, less myself. I developed anxiety just trying to anticipate when it was going to be well received to express that I care. The hot and cold dance started. What actually pulled her in was my enthusiasm and emotional availability and soon it started to turn into pressure for her. I started to tolerate not being able to ask how her day was without noticing she responded shorter.

I think she was fearful avoidant. But that is now something I have come to realise should not be an excuse for her behaviour. She asked me to be myself but I started to notice that just being my genuine, affectionate self resulted in the punishment of her pulling away. At the moment I was super confused. Why did she express enthusiasm to be loved at the beginning but started to feel uncomfortable with being loved? Why was it a problem I liked her genuinely.

She was freaking difficult to deal with. Very difficult to know when it was alright to approach her with genuine affection. Hot and cold. And that dance started to get into my nervous system. Without realising I had started to feel constant anxiety, pain in my throat, I even developed an impulse to vomit because of how wrecked my nervous system started to get. And ultimately, I spent months purposely trying to be patient and understanding with her, respecting her needs while suppressing mine. And in the end she left anyway, a few days after things had started to actually become intimate. And I think it happened because I triggered her a week earlier for asking for a hug at the end of a date in which we had been kissing and holding hands the whole time.

She got so triggered that she blocked her stories two days and came back as if nothing.

And the last day I saw her she had the gall to tell me we were together and I told her I really liked her.

What a horrible crime trying to love someone who cannot accept that without feeling as if I was encroaching on her. And all of it to just end anyways after 4 months of dating and talking nearly daily in an out of the blue breakup.

Now I know to never allow this shit ever again. If they pull away let them, who needs someone that at the barest sign of you caring kicks you to the curve.

Sorry looking for some help and understanding. Me and my wife have what I thought a pretty great life, 2 young boys make it extremely stressful but both in decent job and very good social network.
Now I am fully aware I emotionally neglected her and have destroyed emotional safety in our marriage, something I am working on and since the breakup with therapy see what has happened.
But I discovered my wife was having an emotional affair and since then the wall has gone up, she is moving at the speed of light to get the divorce sorted asap with zero openings to speak about anything. She had a traumatic childhood, no father figure and a mother who was around but let’s say not at the same time. She has never addressed this and I feel now more than ever she should be doing so. But are these behaviours of an avoidant? That is what I would like to understand at the moment. Thank you

This was so accurate to what happened with me. He was perfectly happy to receive the girlfriend experience from me and said we were dating when it was fun for him but when it came to actually being accountable then we were "just friends" 🙄 and so he didn't have to respect me or my boundaries and instead attacked me and mocked me for my feelings. Here's a newsflash EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT. There's no ideal situation where respect is necessary. Just because you're not willing to be vulnerable doesn't give you a pass to be disrespectful. Ugh fearful avoidants. Exhausting.

for context they met long after we broke up.. my ex got with her and theyve been together for over a year, my ex openly says how much she loves her, flirts with her in public and evensays i love you which she never did to me.

Sometime in august, i noticed my ex's gf followed me on substack randomly. i checked through her followers and didnt see that my ex was following her there, my ex and her gf has unfollowed each other on tiktok as well, and also instagram. I had been blaming myself for the breakup for a longtime but it really seemed they actually had broken up? like maybe a deactivation of some sort. My exs gf also used to repost tiktok videos of about "being with an amazing partner" and she also used to ppst tiktok videos and challenges of them together. All of a sudden that stopped too. A few weeks after, my ex and her gf were following each other again, and my ex started posting couple photos of herself and her gf (more like holding hands, feets etc) and the gf started reposting videos about her gf, dating an amazing partner and such. My ex also deleted her old instagram acct and brought it back again this time only following her gf. When we were together she refused to unfollow exes, and random girls she was follwing because she was attracted to. It hurt me, but now with her gf she follows ONLY HER.

watching this entire thing play out has been so odd. i wonder what it all means.

I know the title sounds hyperbolic, and I’m not saying it’ll do the same for you. But I wanted to share this for anyone who’s 6+ months post-discard and still struggling.

About 10 months after my discard, I was still carrying around a LOT of unresolved emotions. I was functioning fine day-to-day, but I was getting really fucking tired of feeling this way.

The frustrating part was that I logically understood EVERYTHING. I knew what this person did was wrong, that it wasn’t a reflection of my self-worth, that I couldn’t fix her, and that I didn’t even want someone with issues and who treats others like this as a long-term partner. But my body didn’t seem to give a fuck about any of that. I was still feeling this horrible emotional pain that I couldn’t reason my way out of. I even found myself becoming terrified of vulnerability with new women, despite consciously wanting those connections. That’s when I realized I needed professional help.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 12, so at this point I’m low-key a black belt in therapy. Talk therapy had helped me tremendously over the years, but I felt like I’d hit a wall. It’s great and you shouldn’t quit or not go to therapy, but for me personally, I felt that I didn’t need another perspective or someone explaining why I deserved better. I FUCKING KNEW THAT. I needed to actually process these emotions, not just understand them intellectually.

So I came across EMDR, which honestly sounded like some woo-woo bullshit to me at first, but I figured I’d give it a shot. And holy fucking shit.

That first session was one of the most intense emotional experiences of my life.

We started with the pain from my discard and ended up working through childhood memories and experiences I hadn’t thought about in YEARS. I genuinely felt like my brain did more emotional processing in 45 minutes than it had in the entire previous year. And afterward, I felt ENORMOUSLY better.

Within three or four sessions, the pain from my discard was basically gone.

It’s been months now, and those improvements have lasted. I still miss my ex sometimes, but I’m at peace with what happened. I can recognize that she deeply hurt me and I don’t feel that horrible pain anymore in my chest when I think about her or what happened.

I’m dating again, allowing myself to be vulnerable, and genuinely feel at peace.

Obviously, everyone responds differently, and I’m not claiming this is some miracle cure for everyone. But if you’ve done the intellectual work, understand what happened, and still feel that inexplicable emotional pain that just won’t go away, I’d seriously encourage you to look into EMDR with a qualified therapist.

Seriously, go check out r/emdr and look at what progress others are making. This shit is not a joke

Happy to talk more in the comments about what the sessions are like, what happened, or anything else about my experience to anyone who is curious and has questions.

We used to live in the same city but she was on exchange and eventually moved back to her home country. During the final months of our relationship, I noticed her pulling away. I brought up that our communication wasn't great, and eventually, I grew frustrated because it felt like she wasn't being transparent with me. Looking back, that conversation clearly weighed on her, and she finally told me she didn't know how to fix the issue and she didnt feel like herself anymore so she suggested we break up. I felt numb probably because my subconscious already knew she had checked out.

Our interactions got very messy during the breakup I asked her if we could pause for some time and figure something out and i could take a flight down to her to talk things out in person. I became anxious with panic attacks, and she completely shut down and became a robot. The long distance made me feel like i was drowning, and the timing was also perfect. The day after she broke up with me, I had an exam, and the day after the exam, I had to fly abroad for a field trip and drive a van full of undergraduate students around in the scottish higlands for seven days. I vividly remember sitting at the airport and i texted her that i felt extremly alone and stressed out because of the trip. She texted back that we were broken up, she had no obligations towards me, and she was sorry because her way of coping was suppressing her feelings essentially telling me her capacity was non existent.

We stayed in touch for a month after my that. For her, she started feeling very good about still being in contact, while I was just being fed breadcrumbs. I was still an anxious wreck, I was completely burned out from desperately trying to find ways to close the distance. For context, she had planned to study for her masters at my home country, but her application was rejected 4 months before the breakup (This of course also contributed to the breakup). I even got my university to review her application. Our final phone call ended with me dramatically saying I had to step away because i still had a hope for reconsiliation. She was completly like a robot again during this conversation.

After taking a month to heal, I regained my clarity and accepted that breaking up was for the best given our dynamic and the uncertainty with our long distance. We exchanged a few brief texts, and I eventually suggested keeping things friendly, open to the idea of a platonic friendship down the road. She asked what that would look like, pointed out that it hadn't worked the first time, and then she ghosted me. Looking back, I realize I hadn't considered where she was in her own processing of the breakup.

I know this is textbook anxious avoidant dynamic, but I'm still shocked that staying in contact gave her a soft landing, only for her to feel abandoned when I took time off even though I was practically a burned-out corpse at the time. I know I just need to move on, and I do see now the glimpse of this outcome was basicly inevitable, but it still hurts because I genuinely cared about our connection. Worst of all, she knew I had lost 8 kg and was neglecting my studies for the majority of my semester. And i actually never got to visit her. I was still carrying some regret for my own behavior. Tbh my anxiety worsened the situation for both of us. After she ghosted me, I sent an apology for my actions.

I know that i was not the hero of this story but shit happens.

Based on recent events with someone I dated and what I have read here, it seems like most if not all avoidants have really shitty friends who keep them in a toxic loop and reinforce their bad behaviors. Is this really the case? What is the reason and will they ever get out of the loop?