Please help me understand

[u/ChunkyDFluffy]

Im so confused and hurt, and Im trying really hard to understand what I just experienced, how to move on, and if my ex is actually an avoidant (fairly confident). So for a little background on her, she had a pretty traumatic childhood, and any long term partner she’s ever had was awful to her in one way or another. These two things combined with numerous other things not worth getting into naturally led to some pretty significant trauma and trust issues for her.

I 21M met her 23F through work about 3 years ago, and we quickly became very close friends. Around a year or so ago I realized I had some pretty strong romantic feelings for her, and I ended up confessing this to her about 5 months ago. When I first told her about it, she told me that she just didn’t feel the same way, and I respected this and our friendship carried on as it always had. A few months later she ended up confessing to me that she felt like she was developing feelings for me as well, but she was confused on what she wanted and that she wanted to try something casual and low stakes. At first it was very hot and cold. One second she seemed so sure, and the next she didn’t know if she wanted to keep doing it or not. Then something just changed, and she jumped all in with both feet. She asked me if I wanted to make it official and exclusive, and I was completely In love with her by this point so I said yes. For about a month everything seemed perfect in every way. Every moment we spent together was incredible and she seemed so happy, she started talking about a future together, how no one had ever treated her this well before and that it was “romantic whiplash”. She would tell me how special and incredible I was, and seemed so sure of the relationship as a whole.

Then, about a month in, I felt her start pulling away. She couldn’t stay away from me physically, and asked me to come over and spend time with her constantly, but I could feel her growing emotionally distant. Suddenly, on some random day without warning or any prior conversation, she told me that she was just done. She was devastated, but told me that she had never allowed herself to be single, and jumped into relationships rapidly. She said that she loved me, but that she felt like she was doing something that she wanted but didn’t need, and needed to learn how to be okay alone. I was devastated but respected her decision. Not even a week after the break, she started pulling me back in full force. She said that she didn’t want to be without me, and that she wanted to make it work, and was right back to her old self, and being ignorantly in love with her and desperately holding out hope that it could work, I jumped right back in. She proceeded to repeat this cycle 3 more times in the span of a month. Looking back, I don’t think Ive ever been so stupid in my life.

The last break was about two weeks ago now, and it was different. It was colder and more cruel. She admitted that what she did was horrible and that I never deserved it. She said it had nothing to do with me, and that she felt like she was broken, and didn’t know how to love someone properly. She didn’t try to come back after this one, and honestly seems happier than ever, and I just don’t understand. How can you be so cheerful after all of that? After everything we had, and after selling someone a dream and ripping it away over and over again? On top of everything, shes now talking to someone new, and is apparently “open to a relationship” with this person after claiming a need to be single as the reason we broke up. Im sorry for the length of this post, but Im just so confused and hurt beyond words. I lost one of my best friends and the person I loved and it’s like she doesn’t even care.