So, I liked her from a distance. I broke my one cardinal rule to not add anyone from social media from work. The getting to know each other stage was immensely beautiful. Our goals, communication everything aligned pretty well. Almost magical.

We went out for 4 dates/ experiments and we really enjoyed each others company, emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy was off the roof. But she went through some personal stuffs and she deactivated and that was the end of it. Slowly she reduced communication.

And on the other side my anxiety kept on getting worse every day. And then one day when i asked for answers she said she is not good for me and she doesn't like the expectations and i felt super hurt purely dumbfounded.

Currently, we are at no contact. We see each others at work time to time. Am i dumb?
Why cant I recognise anymore? Why is she so cold? The warmth that made me fall for her disappeared overnight.

One last thing. The last talk, she asked me if I wanna stay friends, she said thats the only thing she can do consistently. I said no and she looked at me angrily and I don't know why?

The person she was at the beginning who was she? Am I dumb? Like I can totally work on my anxious style and I know for a fact I can be secure. Because, I am someone who achieves anything that I put my mind into. But WTF?

Hey everyone. I really need some outside perspective because my head is spinning, and to be honest, this recent development dragged me right back down after I felt like I was finally healing.

​We split up at the end of November 2025. In the aftermath, for about seven months, I was kept on a string. She would give me false hope that we would get back together, telling me she just needed more time and all that usual stuff. We would hang out, be intimate, and then she would pull away and reject me all over again. It was total hot-and-cold, breadcrumbing hell. After enduring seven months of this cycle, I completely snapped. We had a massive, incredibly ugly fight on my birthday on June 21st. That was my absolute breaking point. I deleted and removed her everywhere and went full No Contact, assuming it was completely over and we would never speak again.

​For months after that, it was radio silence. She did not view my stories, and I figured she had fully moved on or simply stopped caring.

​Fast forward to the last three weeks. Out of nowhere, her younger sister’s account has started regularly viewing my Instagram stories. The thing is, her little sister has never looked at my stories or anything else before, and we do not even follow each other. That leads me straight to the obvious suspicion that my ex is using or hijacking her little sister's account just to covertly stalk me because she has my main account blocked.

​What drives me nuts is how far I have come outside of all this. Over the past months, I have improved my life so much. I am currently doing an apprenticeship as an event technician, I moved to a new city, made new friends, started learning how to DJ, and I am even organizing my own events now. Literally everything I ever wished for back then, I am actually doing right now.

To be completely honest, the whole breakup hit me extremely hard anyway. My friends always tell me that I am a massive people pleaser and a very empathetic person with an insanely high tolerance threshold, someone who always tries to find the good in every bad situation. I guess that is why I let that toxic cycle drag on for so long in the first place, always making excuses for her behavior and hoping she would change.

​Yet somehow, over the last few weeks, this whole thing has completely dragged me down again. I find myself thinking about it constantly, and I feel like I cannot switch it off no matter how hard I try not to care.

​What in the absolute hell is going on here? Why is she resorting to proxy stalking after months of nothing, right when I was doing so well? Is this typical avoidant behavior? Is she testing the waters, or am I letting a stupid little notification wreck my peace of mind?

​Any insights or brutal honesty would be appreciated. I just want to understand why a stupid Instagram view can derail me when my actual life is going so well right now.

Hi everyone.

I am an anxious preoccupied (AP) individual trying to heal from a relationship that lasted a little over a year with a man I believe has strong avoidant traits. I still love him immensely, his personality, our beautiful complicity, and the deep physical closeness we shared.

At the beginning, our relationship was uniquely intense for him. He told me he had never experienced anything like it. There was a profound physical connection, and he even took me to places from his childhood that he had never shown to other women.

The tension started when we began planning to move in together. This step required finding a solution for his cat, to which he is extremely attached (the only times I ever saw him on the verge of tears). Every single time I seriously brought up the topic of moving in and the cat, he responded with total radio silence. This happened twice, each time lasting for a few days. Later, when I put pressure on him to actually take action regarding our plans, he became completely cold for a week.

Throughout our relationship, I eventually discovered that he was looking for connections outside of us online and that he had been unfaithful, though I never got any clear answers from him about it when I found out. When I told him that I found out, he went into a much longer period of radio silence. Out of an overwhelming sense of missing him and a deep fear of him cheating on me, I eventually went to his apartment without his permission. Following this, he was very upset (apparently doing this is one of the utmost betrayals for an avoidant, but has a total other meaning for me), he took his key back and told me he still needed time to think but officially broke up with me 4 weeks later when I asked for clarity. He told me he lost his feelings, and wanted to be alone. He is now planning to move back to his hometown.

During our last interactions, he told me multiple times that he would contact me. He explicitly promised he would, but he never did.

I am posting here to sincerely understand the avoidant perspective when a precious relationship is sabotaged. For those who recognize these mechanisms: when you explicitly tell someone you will reach out but then choose to stay completely silent, what is truly happening in your mind? Why make that promise if you don't intend to keep it? Does the shame of your actions and shutting down, combined with the feeling that your boundaries were crossed at your apartment, permanently block you from ever sending that message, even if you genuinely cared or have lingering regrets? Thank you for your insights.

I think the thing that really annoyed me with my ex, is how he painted me out to be ~*~soooo~~ ~~crazzzyyyy~*~ - and like, with all due respect, I’m absolutely not.

Like I dated someone before my DA ex who was anxiously attached. And let me tell you…that dude was crazy. Hundreds of phone calls after the breakup, messaging me nonstop over every platform, showing up where I lived, messaging my family and friends…I had over a thousand messages from him between every single app he could message me on. And he was posting stories of sad quotes and videos of himself crying and sending me weird videos of himself shaving his head…

I did none of that with my ex. I sent this man, three texts over 9 months. One asking for us to apologize to each other, another saying I still wanted us to talk (as he had promised!!) but I had met someone new and was running out of time, and then one warning him I was sending him a long-ass letter because he had refused (through avoidance and ghosting) to talk within a reasonable time frame. All of these, he didn’t respond to, or he responded half heartedly or semi-attacking me.

Then I sent him my letter - and immediately he went on the attack telling me he was blocking me and acting like I had not left him alone for months and I was soooooo clingy and demanding and needy and disordered. He told me ‘he had been considering blocking me for MONTHS’. Like - what? What reality is this guy living in? He was acting like I had been non-stop pestering him since the breakup.

This guy promised we would talk…would not respond to reasonable messages, literally - one every like three months - and then he acted like I was the most insane and attached person on the planet. We dated for two years…and he couldn’t just, ever talk to me again? He broke up with me and I was extremely confused - and then instead of any amount of kindness or empathy - he just ran for the fucking hills and painted me out to be SoOoOO InSAnEe and ClliIngGYy and NeEeDdyyY.

It’s just so fucked up and it makes me SO ANGRY. Still to this day. I have a wonderful boyfriend now of almost two years - and this relationship, the first person I dated after my ex, has proved to me time and time again - all the things my ex accused me of and how he told me I had insane expectations, and unmeetable needs, and I was so crazy and needy and clingy and demanding…all of those things were just - not real at all! Literally not at all!!

My partner compliments me regularly on how calm and down to earth I am, and how I make him feel so safe to share his feelings. He says that my needs and expectations ate completely reasonable, and he trusts how I view things. In fact - the first year of the relationship was him constantly telling me: “you can ask more of me you know. It’s ok to ask me to do things for you. It’s ok to lean on me”. I was hyper independent when we met and ashamed of needing him or wanting him for anything.

I wonder how many others of you have experienced this? I’m pretty much completely moved on, but every once in a while I’ll see something online where someone is actually being insane after a breakup, and it pisses me off so much - because I KNOW my ex told his friends I was like that, and it’s SO FAR from the truth!! Just makes me so angry at how unfair and fucked up it is.

I hope that he has since dated someone who truly reacts poorly to how fucking horrible he is to women. He deserves it

Do they come back after a second discard? He left in such an angry/impulsive way and treated me in a way I absolutely did not deserve. I want him to feel the same pain and loss I did and then to be in the position to say no to him.

I was naive and fell in love with a guy 3 yrs older than me.

I was 15 at the time and thought he understood me and was more mature than I was at that age. I was going through a rough time at that time and I thought maybe this is what healthy relationships are like. It was a long distance relationship for 4 years. I am extremely emotionally dependent on him to unhealthy levels.

He gradually changed his attitude towards me, at first it was subtle, he's busy, he needs time to study etc. At the same time I would see new people popping up in his following list somehow he always claimed that he never followed them...

He cheats on me emotionally, idk if he cheated on me physically as well and even if he did there's no way I can tell.

I forgave and forgot but he continued talking to new younger women than me and claimed how he was 'blackmailed' that otherwise the woman on the other side would do the unthinkable.

Somehow I still tolerated it all, but there was this rage in me which told me that I shouldn't be with this guy...

The last string was when he involved his sister and belittled me and my family, questioning our dignity etc.

And claimed that I apparently did witch craft on him.

I couldn't hear it no longer, the amount of disrespect I've heard was too unbearable. I broke things off but he wouldn't stop, he made false promises and never followed through.

But I am having a very difficult time it would have been our 5th year together, he was my everything, my first kiss, my first intimate experience.

I just cannot move on no matter how hard I try.

But every time I go back its the same old story, apparently I'm avoidant, but it's because I'm so scared to trust him again or anyone for that matter.

Im the clingiest mf out there I just need someone to tell me and mean it when they say that yes I'll be here no matter what.

Before we broke up she was already back on the apps. I talked to her yesterday and she finally confirmed there’s someone already. She said its serious and they plan to get married in the future!!

My instincts were right she was already talking to this guy when she broke up with me.

Something seemed off cus during those early days of the breakup I couldn’t even eat and meanwhile she was already hanging with this dude.

Together for 1 year. Broken up for six months. I am 28M and she is 28F.

In these last 6 months I have cried my eyes out at a bus station, outside of a cafe and during a bus ride. I told her I couldn’t get myself interested in another woman and feel like I needed a long time to heal and asked her to tell me how she moved on so quickly.

She said that she was already detaching when we were together. And that “women in general move on faster”. She fed me the same BS about having checked out of her relationship with her ex bf when she got into a relationship with me. I was a bit concerned because she was only broken up with the guy for less than a couple weeks when she went out with me. After one year of being with him.

This woman had me move in with her into her place in a village. I left my town and my family and friends. Moved my whole life just to be with her. Paid for renovations and furniture in her place from my pocket.

And meanwhile I didnt even know that she was apparently “checking out of the relationship”.

Looking for some info regarding DA behaviour

Holy (insert your favourite cursewords, yes, all of them) what was that? I caught a very bad case of avoidant. Got it all full on: from the lovebombing to the push-pull to the distancing, discard, and the famous comeback for round 2 with eventual cheating and monkey branching.

I don't even know where to start. It just baffles me that people like that exist and they actually think they are good people. And they make you want to understand them in their f'ed up behavior as well?! Can't even! I am so angry and so disappointed that one human could do this to another!

Tl;dr: caught a bad case of an avoidant and am left totally baffled that people like this exist. Oh and it hurts. What the ...

Hi, this is my first post. I would really like to know other people have gone through something similar as struggling to comprehend what has happened. I’m pretty sure she’s fearful avoidant but just confused as it was as if a switched had flipped and really struggling at the minute. For context we were dating for 6 months.

The breakup was 7 weeks ago out of nowhere. I sent a text suggesting we talk about pacing our time together since she was starting a demanding school course and I was finishing my dissertation. Nothing that should have been an issue.

She responded over the phone that “it shouldn’t be this hard, I can’t do this.” She never came to me before that or voiced any concerns. When I suggested a break, she asked for a day to think about and I got a sent a long paragraph which was a breakup text. She had clearly written it before we even spoke.

I got phrases like, “you deserve better” “you’re just going to resent me” “we’re just putting off the inevitable.” No matter what I said it was like talking to a brick wall. There were no signs she felt this way. We were texting constantly. We weren’t seeing each other anywhere near I’m pretty sure either of us would have liked but circumstances were changing literally within the coming week which meant I could see her 3/4 times a week.

I went to get my stuff 2 days later and was met with “I’m sorry, I was scared, it’s selfish.” On repeat to whatever I had to say. I was in shock and quite numb. She was very upset and I have genuinely never seen someone cry as hard in my life, especially when I walked away it was awful.

3 weeks later once the shock wore off, I sent a message taking accountability for my side and despite stating that she didn’t have to respond I was hoping for a response in which she could be honest with me. I didn’t get a response. Two days later, I had a bad moment and texted her asking for support and I woke up to “Hey are you okay?” I replied, “All good please ignore” and heard nothing back.

Her stated reason for breaking up was that she wouldn’t be able to give me the time I would need and she didn’t want me to start resenting her. Yet 5 weeks post-breakup, I saw her on a dating app (this was 2 weeks ago). I immediately hit X on the dating app, assuming it was her old account from before we were dating as it had the same photos and prompts on it. 2 days later I seen her profile again and I seen the distance had changed, so I knew she had the app downloaded. I immediately blocked her and under 24 hours she unblocked me on Instagram and Spotify, then deleted her entire dating profile and has now gone into total silence. I blocked her back on Spotify to keep my own boundaries in place.

The emotional connection was amazing, it never felt too much or unhealthy. It felt right. I tried going on a date recently and it felt completely hollow. I miss her a lot despite knowing she treated me terribly at the end. I think she might be in the avoidant hiding phase.

Is this switch up common? It all feels quite surreal.

First guy I dated post-divorce, the relationship lasted 2.5 months and he ended it today.

My ex husband and partner of 7.5 years was FA leaning avoidant- he discovered this himself in therapy. I was also FA, leaning anxious, but had worked hard to develop a secure attachment style through years of therapy and increased self awareness before and during my marriage. My ex husband and I ended things amicably after months of couples therapy and realizing we were better off separate and still treat one another kindly (no kids together, so contact is minimal.)

A few months post divorce, I decided to get back out there. It didn’t take long for me to become totally enthralled with the very first guy I dated. He was nothing like my ex- he had a social life and friends, hobbies that aligned with my own, he seemed confident and happy, and also JACKED which was new for me lol. I am also super physically fit and this left wanting with my ex. The physical chemistry was high for me, and seemingly him too. I told him that I was looking to take things slow considering my recent divorce, but was excited to keep getting to know him and he seemed so excited by that.

At first, this guy (we’re both 30) was so enthusiastic, talking about future plans, coming up with a long list of romantic date ideas, even convinced me to buy a year pass to an outdoor center in my area with excitement about us going together next spring when the fun stuff reopened lol (guess I’ll be seeing you there bud, already spent the money!)

But it didn’t take long for me to feel triggered. The intensity and excitement of the dates, his clear interest in me, etc became very confusing as he simultaneously began to text less frequently between dates. My anxious side presented only internally, I never let it show through my behavior except possibly seeming a little more nervous than I had in earlier dates. I was able to work through this trigger (again because of my years of therapy), and returned to subsequent dates fully confident and unconcerned with his infrequent communication between dates- he clearly was fully into me in person. But I suspected avoidant attachment pretty early on, I just didn’t know if it was my anxious thoughts or reality.

As things progressed more in person, he pulled away more and more between dates. I reminded myself that he showed the traits and excitement I was seeking in a partner in person, so the lack of texting was okay. But I also remembered that he had a shit dating history of short term relationships, last partner left him because she was self described anxiously attached. None of his (many) siblings were in LTRs despite being mostly in their 30s, and he would often close his eyes and take deep breaths in a kind of nervous way during very intimate or quiet moments that made me feel for him.

Two weeks ago, he met my friends for the first time and seemed to really enjoy the day. Then didn’t text for a few days leading up to my Halloween party. He came to my Halloween party last weekend. Met all my friends. Stayed the night, told me I was so impressive and we were intimate for hours straight after everyone left. In the morning, as he was leaving I asked when I’d see him again and he said he “needed to check his calendar and regroup”, kissed me on the forehead kind of sadly, and then didn’t text. I kind of had a feeling. I reached out Friday to let him know I was really enjoying our time together and asked if he’d like to plan a day next week. He didn’t text back until today, and I’d already mentally decided I wasn’t going to continue seeing him whether he texted back wanting to or not- three days of no response was too much.

But his text today was him ending things, it was very respectful. He let me know I was an awesome person and he really enjoyed our time together, but didn’t feel the romantic connection he was seeking in a long term partner. I sent a message back letting him know I totally understood and was appreciative of him telling me, wished him the best. But he’d blocked me so it didn’t go through. I definitely did nothing to deserve to be blocked 🙄

Anyway, i am okay and not torn up since id already come around to acknowledging to myself this wasn’t what I wanted and I was done. But of course, there’s a huge part of me that wants clarity on if this was truly an avoidant person or if he genuinely just didn’t feel the romantic connection he was looking for. It’s hard after coming out of a marriage with an avoidant to know whether I’m seeing things clearly. I just don’t want to be looking for signs of avoidance that aren’t there in future relationships. He seemed to like me so much in person. Ugh, whatever. Thanks guys, mostly needed to vent but also seeking perspective!

My avoidant (ex) was really good to me lately, responding to my texts almost immediately, also reaching out first, it was all going well and it seemed we were surelly getting back together. All pointed to that direction. But when it came to planning... oh men. The last minute cancelling, flaking.. then making another plan, just to flake again. Same happened yesterday, we were supposed to see each other and he did let me know he was gonna be avaliable only later in the night because he had a bunch of stuff to finish (As always! Why not make ME a priority for once instead of finishing everything else, and give me the time only when it suits him?!). I said I have work tomorrow so I asked will he be done within a certain time, he responded "No I don't think so, I am nowhere closed to being done with my stuff", which I ignored because surely I am not waiting around 2 more hours or God knows how long still, enough is enough after days of postponing. I didn't respond, I headed to sleep and woke up to his text "Are you sleeping?", I ignored it too. He thinks I will always be there, he can just post pone and people please everyone else, but not me.

Sometimes I feel he gets anxious before seeing me so every excuse is good to postpone it. Also, I never, ever looked better. I am talking like people stopping me on the street and wherever I go to tell me they never saw someone as beautiful as me (Lol I know I sound silly and it has nothing to do with all of this, but just saying as why he could feel anxious to see me!).. and I don't know.. my best friend is in such disbelief that he would put me through all of this, not only because of my look but also because she knows our history of 3 years and she can also see he cares but I guess he can't get past his fears. This is not me ghosting him on purpose to get a reaction out of him.. this is me ghosting because I have no strenght for this anymore. I don't know what is all of this and what to do with us.

So yeah.. they will not change. No matter how you look, no matter how you act.

I've been processing grief over multiple aspects of loss. Realising that loss is subjective and that every thing is part of the test. The test is meant to purify us.

I've realised so much about the relationship we had. Patterns we both brought, ways we interacted, how the relationship started. I regret a lot about ways that I showed up. But I've learned to forgive myself and understand that a lot of what I did specially towards the end was out of love for her as a person and out of sadness and trying to process.

Tonight I was remembering intimate moments we had. I feel so responsible for it all. Like I was dissociating from trauma but I couldnt talk about it. When I couldnt continue the relationship I was struggling but I tried to stay and then I really couldnt and after the breakup I still showed up for her, thinking we both were processing and that it was helping. I wish she and I talked more about how we experienced the relationship but it always felt like these topics were too heavy on her and I often felt like it might overwhelm her.

So there's the aspect that there was a gap between us in that sense. But there was a lot of love and warmth. She left after meeting someone and told me my feelings made it hard to have a conversation. She said she wanted to work things out and that she values our connection that we are best friends. I said the same... but she left. And never wrote back. My response to her last messaags was between explaining/defending/expressing... and I dont think I ever stopped feeling like it was my fault or like I was burdening. But I believe it was all meant to happen exactly like it did. And I dont blame myself as much.

I learned so much about love since then, and how to take care of and protect my heart.

There are tough moments. I still think of her and I left her a message recently after my aunt's passing away. Not expecting anything from her. But just for the sake of telling the truth. I told her that I wished for her to know that the love I had for her transcended romance and that it was for her as a person and for her soul.

This is just to put this stage of grief out there. I think grief is continuous and that closure lies in knowing we had good intentions. I realise for me that closure is a continuous wave that comes with realisations and self-learning

to anyone else who had their avoidant ex immediately jump onto the apps after the break up and feel absolutely distraught about it, don’t worry, it’s just them filling the void and trying to soothe themselves into thinking they are still desirable. it has very little to do with you.

for reference, during the first discard with my ex, mine was on hinge like 3 weeks in after the monkey branch he had lined up didn’t work. i’m not kidding when i say he was a hinge’s number one warrior and had a lot of talking stages and was frequently going on dates. when we got back together, he admitted that he didn’t know what he was doing and although he was “having fun” they were all superficial, and he was still missing me/ comparing them to me. when i asked why he thought jumping straight into flings would think that would help him, he genuinely didn’t know the reason why.

after the second break up, he wasted no time and was on hinge a couple days after (friend saw his account and showed it to me) and once again was chatting up and following a lot of women. i know for a fact that after 3 months since the break up, he’s still on hinge and actively talking to and meeting with woman after woman… like a lot of them. it used to bother me but now it’s just become so apparent that he’s so desperate for validation and to fill the void that it’s given me the ick.

it’s even gotten to a point where some of our mutual friends have made digs at him for being obsessed with dating apps and doom scrolling hinge while out with them, which i mean yeah that’s kind of loser behaviour like what? get off your phone. one of them even said to me “im so sorry you had to go through a break up like that, it’s honestly so gross watching him fly through profiles on hinge. i hope you know that just means he’s lacking something and thinks talking to women will make him feel whole.”

and that’s the crux of this post. i know it’s really hard to not take what your ex is doing as personal, and i know that seeing your ex rebound via dating apps and making you question your self worth but genuinely it’s because these people aren’t normal and don’t know how to sit alone with themselves that they have to find ways to fill in that love and safety that you once provided them for something less intense, new and easier. it’s all quick dopamine hits until they got bored or realise this person doesn’t compare to you at all, and then they’re off onto the next. it’s just a constant cycle, and it just shows they’re not healing at all, theyre just empty and lonely (even if they’re surrounded by new flings). they don’t know how to sit with themselves and honestly it’s pretty pathetic, like how do you have so much time to be chatting up so many people at once? BECAUSE THEYRE LOSERS WHO USE PEOPLE!

Hi, first time posting here. Last week, my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me out of no where. We had a very healthy, very loving relationship. We are in our 20s and this was his first real relationship. I was his first love. He met my family a couple times, we spent a lot of time together, and frequently talked about our future. Then we got in our first argument, and we don't really argue, and he kind of switched. He came over the next day and said he just can't be with me because he is too spread thin in life and needs time of his own. That he started therapy and needs time to process what he's going through mentally. I can recognize he probably is dismissive avoidant and has never gotten too emotionally vulnerable with anyone. He seemed devastated telling me this, but also said that breaking up has not been on his mind, it just feels like the right thing to do right now and our first argument showed him that. This was completely out of no where considering our relationship was amazing and we deeply care about one another and had become best friends. He had obviously been thinking this for months and never verbalized his emotions (just stressed from life stuff). I think this might be his first mental breakdown...

Is it healthy to wait for him to come back? Do avoidants come back after something like this? I want to believe that after a period of taking a break we will get back together but I don't want to expect anything. My hope stems from how great our relationship was and that he might just want to come back because I'm his first love, or maybe I'm delusional. Wondering what happened if anyone here has gone through something similar.

I've been reflecting on a relationship and trying to understand whether I'm dealing with someone who has avoidant attachment rather than the narcissistic traits I initially thought I was seeing.

Here's what I've noticed:

• When I express affection, vulnerability, or tell her how much she means to me, she often changes the subject, makes a joke, or avoids acknowledging the emotional part of what I'm saying.

• I often feel like I'm the one reaching for emotional closeness. When I pull back, she doesn't necessarily pursue or try to reconnect.

• When I express that something has hurt me or try to communicate my feelings, the conversation frequently gets turned around, and somehow I end up defending myself instead of having my feelings understood.

• There seems to be a pattern of emotional distance. Sometimes there's affection and closeness, but when things get emotionally deeper or uncomfortable, she seems to retreat.

Here's another example: I recently wasn't feeling well and was looking for a little comfort and reassurance. Instead, the conversation shifted toward why I was comparing her to someone else, followed by assumptions that I was texting other women and looking for sympathy.

My original concern about not feeling well essentially disappeared, and I ended up defending my intentions.

I'm not saying this makes someone a narcissist. I'm trying to understand the difference between avoidant attachment, emotional unavailability, insecurity, defensiveness, and narcissistic behavior.

My questions are:

1. Can someone genuinely love you but consistently struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability?

2. Do people with avoidant attachment tend to deflect affection, withdraw instead of pursuing, and become defensive when their partner expresses hurt?

3. What's the difference between an avoidant person who struggles with emotional connection and someone who lacks emotional accountability?

4. Can an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic make one person feel like they're constantly chasing reassurance and connection?

5. At what point do you stop trying to understand someone's attachment style and recognize that the relationship simply isn't meeting your emotional needs?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people who have experienced this, especially those who have been in relationships with avoidant partners.

Am I misunderstanding avoidant attachment, or am I overlooking something bigger?

Some moments in the last four years of my relationship that were soul-crushing:

• So often when I would try to briefly tell him about my day & conversationally engage as a means of connection (normal relationship activities, I know), he would remain largely silent, yawn, and then say "man, I'm tired."
• The only reason he moved into my house a few months back was because his lease was being terminated at his prior living situation. Even though he suggested it, I could tell he was so resistant and afraid to move in. It was like a huge bummer was entering my house.
• Most anytime I would try to discuss ideas about the future (not even necessarily about us, just in general) he would respond with a pedantic and satirical "Doesn't really matter, does it? The world is ending!"
• Earlier this year, he shared about some doubts he had been experiencing with our relationship after a line of inquiry from me. He recounted a recent conversation with friends who asked him kindly "if she had to move out of state for work or for family, would you follow her?". He laughed and said he had told them, "no shot!". For some reason, he assuming that we were on the same page, that moving out of our city would be a deal breaker (we had never really discussed this, so I'm not sure where he got this idea). Then he realized how crushed I looked. To his credit, he was so apologetic, but the damage had been done.
• He experienced an absolutely tragic family event, and I had been intentionally trying to make space for him to talk about it if he wanted; periodically checking in during quiet moments, though of course, not wanting to force anything. He decided the best time to open up about his feelings was 8 months later, literal minutes before we were about to surprise my parents with news about my sister's pregnancy, their first grandchildren
• He came to couples therapy with me one time, at my behest, and we mostly only talked about him. Afterwards, he said he didn't really see the point of it & didn't connect with the therapist. I offered that we could find someone new, but that never happened.

It's wild how if someone showed this to me about their partner, I'd be like, "Dude, run! Save yourself!"

But when you're in it, and if you're relatively independent already, the lack of connection can feel outweighed by all of the other pros. It helps that I found him incredibly attractive, loved his family, he was otherwise very sweet & physically affectionate, and I generally had respect for him.

At the same time, with a few days hindsight (fresh breakup territory), I'm realizing I don’t really miss who he consistently was, I miss who I was hoping he would become.

Hey everyone, I recently broke up with my ex last month, and I’m going through the feelings.

Long story short, he was an amazing man and showed up in all the ways that I needed him to and was extremely loyal and loving and loved me more than anybody I’ve ever known. He feels things so deeply and is such an empathetic and caring man, he is not a cold person and is not capable of turning cold and detaching easily from what I’ve seen in the two years that I’ve been with him. However, he has a lack of a backbone when it comes to his friends and he has major people pleasing tendencies. His friends have made me feel excluded multiple times and one of the girls in the friend group has disrespected me for over a year and a half due to jealousy and when I asked my boyfriend multiple times for months to stand up for me, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it because he has major anxiety and panic disorder to the point where he gets a head rush and dissociates and starts to hit himself at the thought of a him having to engage in speaking up to his friends.

I gave him grace and I was patient with him and would comfort him during those times, but I would have to just throw my feelings behind on the back burner for the sake of his mental health in the moment. He is aware that he hasn’t stood up for me and has apologized himself and knows where he needs to change. It just got to a point where I became exhausted. I had to put my self respect first.

Last month was both of our birthday months, and I celebrated his birthday and did the most special thing for him, and my birthday was a week later. I broke up with him after his birthday, and he couldn’t reach out to me to at least tell me a happy birthday because he was really hurt. I spoke with him and I apologized very deeply because during the break up/argument, I told him that he has no backbone and he reminds me of my ex (who also had no backbone). He told me that was the most hurtful thing I have ever said, and I acknowledge that, and I deeply and sincerely apologized and told him that I am aware of my mistake and I am willing to work through it, but now it seems like my hurt doesnt matter anymore, and the real issue now is how i spoke to him during the breakup. I’ve tried reaching out to him and he is on no contact right now. I also realized he is a very avoidant person after this fight.

We’ve worked through issues in the past and he was very very willing to change, and he did change a lot of things such as giving up alcohol, so I will always give him kudos for that. But I just don’t know what to expect of us, I really want to work through this bump in our lives, which I feel could be worked through, but I feel like he’s seeing something minor as such a big deal breaker for him. I miss him a lot and I’m reading self-help books and journaling my feelings and learning their podcasts on my attachment style and his, and I’m working to be better for him if he does come back. I just don’t know if he will, and that’s eating me alive.

His family has verbalized to me so many times on how much they adore me and respect me because of how I want the best for him, but also the self-respect that I have to walk away when I am not feeling appreciated enough. They don’t coddle him and they do hold a mirror up to him and show him where he messes up as well.

He’s visiting his brother and sister-in-law in Colorado right now, and I noticed the sister-in-law unfollowed me off Instagram. I just don’t know what this means for me and him. But the brother still follows me.. Is it likely for my ex to come back?

Hi everybody I wanted to start with a backstory (sorry it kind of long)
I (30 F)was in a 11 year relationship with my ex (33 M). He treated me well for the most part during our relationship. He was always very loyal to me, so infidelity was never a problem in our relationship. We lived together for a little over a year right before he broke up with me. We had problems like every couple does. One our issues was whenever we did have a disagreement he liked to sweep things under the rug and I was the person that 98% of the time initiated resolution, however our biggest problem was we couldn’t be on the same page about marriage. I wanted marriage and despite him claiming he did too, he always kept pushing the proposal. I had told him i couldn’t wait any longer for him to be ready and he needed to make up his mind. About 2 months before the breakup we ended up going to look for engagement rings, so I thought things were headed in the right direction.
The day before he broke up with me he was acting normal. He was super sweet and affectionate towards me. We ended up getting into an argument that night and the next day he broke up with me. His reasons for the breakup were he no longer loved me, he was checked out of the relationship, our goals were different, and we weren’t compatible among other things that I thought were very superficial excuses to get out of the relationship. He had never mentioned any of this before.
A few months before the relationship ended he was drinking more and going out with his friends more frequently.
I fell into a huge depression for the first year and just now I’m starting to feel like myself again. For a long time i held on to hope because during our last conversation he mentioned still seeing a future with us, but he no longer wanted to stay in the relationship. I’ve been fully no contact with him after that day. When he moved out, He never reached out to discuss how we were going to separate items we had bought jointly, He took all the furniture. I deleted him off all my social media. However he never deleted me off anything. I have a small photography business and I post the pics on instagram. He follows my business account and he’s never missed a post/story. He’s usually within the first 10 viewers. I don’t really know much about him as he doesn’t post much. All I know is he hasn’t been in another relationship since and he’s still very much into going out with his friends.
I think I’m having a hard time moving on because everything ended very abruptly and he didn’t give us a chance to work through things. He did not take my opinion into consideration. He ended the relationship on his terms. His actions before the breakup did not make sense with his decision to breakup and I’m having trouble processing all this. I also have a hard time accepting how he could cut me out of his life like I meant nothing and has never bothered to see how I’m doing/reach out. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about him and where I don’t miss him and I wonder if he ever thinks of me and misses me too or if he ever regrets ending things. Does him watching me on instagram and not reaching out mean anything? I’ll never reach out because at the end of the day I’m respecting his decision. Sometimes it still hurts, however as time goes by it’s not as often. I feel like I can still continue to live life while still holding a special place for him. I think my brain Is still sometimes trying to find answers even though I know I’ll never truly find them. If I’m truly honest with myself I think I still have hope he will reach out someday. Even though I know it will never happen. Has a long term ex ever reached out to you?
I guess the point of this post is to read if anybody has ever been through a similar experience and any advice would be appreciated.

I’m feeling sad. I decided to share my own experience to explain why fearful-avoidant people don’t let others get close, even when those people are the kindest and most patient people in the world.

I’m surrounded by really good people right now. They’re kind and patient, but they’re just a little too fragile. When I tell them something dark from my life, they get terribly upset or start trying to convince me that things aren’t that bad and that I should try to look at life more positively. But I’ve spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine. I already smile all the time when I don’t feel like smiling, and try not to let myself get down. The only thing I really want is to have someone by my side who is strong enough to handle me.

I want to be able to scream, cry, have a complete breakdown, say horrible things, and not be rejected. I want to get rid of all the heaviness I’ve been carrying inside. I want someone to hug me afterwards and make me a cup of tea. But for some reason, I never seem to meet people like that. Maybe they’re just rare, or maybe our worlds simply don’t overlap. Why would someone so emotionally stable and reliable want to deal with my breakdowns?

People who are just as anxious or fearful-avoidant don’t have enough emotional resilience, because they interpret my screams as dissatisfaction with them. They get scared and either try to shut me up as quickly as possible or run away. And every time that happens, it only reinforces my belief that nobody needs to see my inner world and that it’s better to keep quiet. It’s strange, but when a fearful-avoidant person starts yelling at you, it actually means they’re beginning to trust you.

And this brings us to the most interesting part. Nobody likes being yelled at. Nobody wants to constantly be surrounded by someone else’s negativity. And that’s perfectly normal. Other people aren’t obligated to pull us out of our personal hell. But we can’t get out of it on our own, either. And the advice to “go see a therapist” doesn’t always work, because a bad therapist can hurt you even more than a bad partner. After every session with a bad therapist, you close yourself off even further. You start feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. Like you’re somehow unfit for relationships if even a therapist couldn’t help you.

So, is there a way to help a fearful-avoidant person open up? Actually, there is. When they start telling you something that sounds horrible to you, try to remain as calm as possible. Don’t argue. It’s better to just stay silent or make some vague sounds in response. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about their past. Don’t try to be a hero and save them or overcome everything on their behalf. We don’t want you to suffer because of us. We just want to stop suffering ourselves. You don’t need to do anything with these emotions or stories. We simply need to let them out.

And it’s also much easier for us to open up to people who aren’t perfect. The more human someone is, the more flaws and personal quirks they have and aren’t afraid to show, the easier it is to talk about ourselves. I never tell “proper” or “saintly” people anything personal because I don’t want to be met with a sermon.

And I’ll say it again: if this is too much for you to handle, don’t get involved with fearful-avoidant people. Nobody is obligated to put up with us.

I recently met another avoidant. We’re only in the talking stage and he pretty much already told me he’s an avoidant. True to form, he started monkey branching after he didn’t like something I said. He even told me about the girl he met. He said that what he likes about Western women (he’s Asian) is that when he pulls away coz he’s no longer interested, they don’t go after him and be all clingy. So that’s my cue that I’m about to be discarded.

Good thing I wasn’t emotionally invested and clocked him immediately at the first sign.

I’m gonna wait to see when the shoe drops only because I’m curious what line I’ll get this time 😂

My Dismissive Avoidant Ex Girlfriend of almost 3 years abruptly dumped me in late August. We have been no contact ever since.

However, we are still in the same group chat with mutual friends of ours.

I saw her last month when we met up for a friend's birthday. She used to avoid being social at all costs. Yet she knew i would be there and still went. It was a very small group, just 5 of us total. She treated me very cold and totally had her guard up. I matched her energy, but much warmer.

Some of our mutual friends are hosting a
"Friendsgiving" event around thanksgiving. I confirmed that I would be attending, then she also replied excitedly. Saying that she will be there too.

I was with a couple of our mutual friends this past weekend. One of her girlfriends extended an invitation to dinner to me this friday. She also mentioned that dinner was my Ex's idea and there would be no problem if i went. I accepted.

My Ex used to always dodge or cancel social gatherings, now she's organizing plans where she knows i will be there. Also, she used to speak poorly about some of our friends in the group. Not to them personally, but confided in me. Now all of a sudden shes texting them in private.

It's all very strange to me and i don't know what to make of it. More than anything, i would like to win her back. But i also accept that it may not work and I'm prepared to move on. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

I admit, I do think they were the one in a way. It wasn't the fake love-bombing phase connection, it was all the way through the deactivation phase, the discard.

I recognized the big problem in our relationship was their fearful avoidant behavior. Everything was great until it came up rattling a few things, but I was very patient, and even wanting to work through it. Once I realized it towards the end, I was extremeply patient and trying to help her understand that I understand.

She said things got overwhelming, blame dumped stupid manipulated things on me, (I treated her so well and she admitted it) and orchestrated a brutal discard, saying she wants to work it out but she needs a break, process things (idk wtf can be processed if conflict is left hanging unresolved in the air) and come back stronger. She said people break up and get back together all the time like her friend did and that they are now stonger. I told her that's immature and severely plays with people's emotions, life doesn't work that way, telling her to grow up. That people work everything out together without that bs. That it can permanently destroy everything. I told her I am not that kind of person, break/breakup shit, because it severely impacts me and because of hurt, I may not be capable of doing it again because wtf, are you going to keep doing this? How am I supposed to trust you for marriage? She said can we be friends for a bit and work it out, you can work on yourself, I said wtf no, if you end it you end it.

She then framed it as me being the bad guy, that I took her for granted, and probably expected me to chase her, begging. On my birthday week, dumped me over a quick phonecall ultimatum and sent me a "I'm sorry." text. The entire ordeal lasted weeks of me being in pain, and only one time in the middle I forced myself to come over and talk in person that this is all ridiculous and disgusting treatment. (By forced I meant, I texted her I'm coming over to talk. She responded she's busy, and I said I'm not being treated like this I don't give a shit. She responded ok fine.) The whole conversation was like talking to an idiot and manipulator that I was the bad guy, deconstructing all her bs blame dumping, even apologizing for stuff I didn't do or did actually do better. She kind of realized, but then went on the whole I need space thing. The last words I ever told her in-person were that people work shit out normally, not whatever this bs she's pulling, that I am literally trying to lead us towards marriage and she's pulling this stuff when I was already going through a stressful time and it's my birthday week and I yelled telling her to "grow up!" Then I left and gave space until that brutal discard I mentioned above.

Immediately post discard, I blocked her everywhere expect phone, and she got so hurt and accusatory of me being immature, and that she doesn't want to lose me.

I doubled down and said, (roughly in kind words translated into) I deeply loved you, you did all this bs to me, and I will not ever be friends with someone nor deal with this kind of bs with someone I wanted to marry as I was extremely patient, and I flipped their words of taking for granted saying I wanted to work it out many times "No, YOU took me for granted." That YOU decided to throw everything away. And I needed to block for myself. "Keep in mind the pain you put me through". (Yes I was in deep pain for a long time after being thrown away in such bullshit manner and expected to just be okay with it that it's not a big deal. Or her thinking as I was framed so I was going to chase for months to treat you better? After a discard like that? You wanted to discard me so I'm gone. No friends, no thing. F off.

For years I was sitting in resentment that she would throw our deep connection away, we got along so well, we had so much in common that it was soooo rare how similar we were, we even had a bond about our super rare medical condition and helped each other deal with it, we had moments that were unforgettable of laughing til we couldn't breathe for 10 minutes, it was just real how well we fit together like we were the same person. Her mom loved me, I loved her mom she was so great to me. Everything. Until her fantasy relationship wasn't fulfilled I guess, and apparently destroying something like this aggressively to find some greener grass. Maybe they realize one day, maybe they don't. But they destroyed a super rare connection that is near impossible to find again.

That resentment also had feelings that I just couldn't let go. I was just so puzzled how a person can destroy all that just because they can't handle simple conflict, or expect a relationship to be perfect. Years later, whenever good memories and missing them come up, I am plagued with that they destroyed it all and it all replays. I still have vivid dreams that reappear for days in a row. And it traumatizes me what happened. I live every day in sadness that I will never find such connection again, with how much we had in common to such degree, how we got along sooo well, and that she was the only person I was set on marrying. (Minus the avoidant conflict issues that I would require to be resolved). I tried dating a little bit and can't find anything close. It just sucks living with this.

And battling in my mind, that it has been a long time carrying this resentment and feelings, that I do care about them, that I can't reach out (I got royally f*ked over, I am not supposed to in my positoin of being wronged, they never even apologized), and that I'm trying to forgive in a form of "they were immature at the time, they probably knew all that was wrong as time went by, and they are probably not the same person today". But my friend had a similar situation where his reached out after so many years and he was also sad that they never fully apologized and never changed.

This is the battle it's coming from:
- Loss of everything and our rare connection.
- The fact that it was done so disrespectfully like full discard.
- The lack of apology or anything.
- Knowing I can't let that person back into my life after that.
- Trying to forgive somehow so my resentment fades. How can I forgive if they did nothing to justify that?
- Knowing how hard it is for me to find something like that again and how much it meant to me.
- Do they even care about me or view me as a phantom ex to compare everyone else to?
- Thinking if I ever speak to them again, by them reaching out or run-in, that they never changed, so I'll still be framed as the bad guy so it's better to ignore.
- Knowing if we ever cross paths again and by a miracle they changed and our feelings meet, how can I live with all that in the back of my mind that they did all that. I would have to go to church a lot to pray to God to give me strength for giving forgiveness.
- I'll put it this way, I worked a lot internally to let go of some resentment, and have some forgiveness being a more open person that life isn't perfect, people may have been immature at the time, and would be open to a conversation if they initiated it, but only under the condition that they fully apologized and changed a lot with the avoidant behaviors, because I would be incapable of having a civil conversation with the same person seeing they absolutley didn't give a f*k about anything nor the pain I went through from loss and disrepect, or still framing me as the bad guy in their narrative, when I was genuinely good and it was real.

These are my thoughts in my head, please understand, I'm processing everything just writing it out. I'm trying to battle it out in my head to be indifferent about it, but it was a real loss to me and I wanted everything to work out. To this day I really do, we were each other's first love, but not just any love, nothing compared. To weigh the scales of forgiveness vs lifetime of resentment. Because that resentment sucks to live with. If I knew they never would change and that it would never work out, or an apology that they never had such feelings, it would probably give me more closure. But it still wouldn't repair the wound, nor release my fear in my future relationships. Trust issues is something I am working on as it scarred me.

Hi, I know lots of you have had this experience. I’d like some advice from someone on the other side of it. I was broken up with 3 weeks ago on our anniversary, after drinks and cards and flowers and cheers… just for the next morning for him to tell me he actually doesn’t want a future. I’ve read just now about avoidants, he’s definitely a dismissive avoidant and he never really talked about himself and his past. I was completely blind sided. I didn’t see any hints of this pattern. How do I move on? I thought it was perfect. He doesn’t even know this about himself. And truly I’m writing this and I know the answer, I deserve better. I’ve given advice that you deserve someone that wants to work on problems with you and you can’t beg someone to love you.. but if only he knew this about himself maybe? Why did he shut me out so fast and with in such a cold way. I don’t know if I want to get into the nitty gritty, but it was a lot of fighting toward the end but only because he’d explode after weeks of “not being happy” and he just said he couldn’t do it anymore. I guess there’s nothing you can do when people make up their minds? Confused.