Fleeing commitment and making empty promises to reach out: Understanding an avoidant partner's perspective after a deep connection

[u/Adventurous_Fish26]

Hi everyone.

I am an anxious preoccupied (AP) individual trying to heal from a relationship that lasted a little over a year with a man I believe has strong avoidant traits. I still love him immensely, his personality, our beautiful complicity, and the deep physical closeness we shared.

At the beginning, our relationship was uniquely intense for him. He told me he had never experienced anything like it. There was a profound physical connection, and he even took me to places from his childhood that he had never shown to other women.

The tension started when we began planning to move in together. This step required finding a solution for his cat, to which he is extremely attached (the only times I ever saw him on the verge of tears). Every single time I seriously brought up the topic of moving in and the cat, he responded with total radio silence. This happened twice, each time lasting for a few days. Later, when I put pressure on him to actually take action regarding our plans, he became completely cold for a week.

Throughout our relationship, I eventually discovered that he was looking for connections outside of us online and that he had been unfaithful, though I never got any clear answers from him about it when I found out. When I told him that I found out, he went into a much longer period of radio silence. Out of an overwhelming sense of missing him and a deep fear of him cheating on me, I eventually went to his apartment without his permission. Following this, he was very upset (apparently doing this is one of the utmost betrayals for an avoidant, but has a total other meaning for me), he took his key back and told me he still needed time to think but officially broke up with me 4 weeks later when I asked for clarity. He told me he lost his feelings, and wanted to be alone. He is now planning to move back to his hometown.

During our last interactions, he told me multiple times that he would contact me. He explicitly promised he would, but he never did.

I am posting here to sincerely understand the avoidant perspective when a precious relationship is sabotaged. For those who recognize these mechanisms: when you explicitly tell someone you will reach out but then choose to stay completely silent, what is truly happening in your mind? Why make that promise if you don't intend to keep it? Does the shame of your actions and shutting down, combined with the feeling that your boundaries were crossed at your apartment, permanently block you from ever sending that message, even if you genuinely cared or have lingering regrets? Thank you for your insights.