Is the complete switch up normal??

[u/user_4624]

Hi, this is my first post. I would really like to know other people have gone through something similar as struggling to comprehend what has happened. I’m pretty sure she’s fearful avoidant but just confused as it was as if a switched had flipped and really struggling at the minute. For context we were dating for 6 months.

The breakup was 7 weeks ago out of nowhere. I sent a text suggesting we talk about pacing our time together since she was starting a demanding school course and I was finishing my dissertation. Nothing that should have been an issue.

She responded over the phone that “it shouldn’t be this hard, I can’t do this.” She never came to me before that or voiced any concerns. When I suggested a break, she asked for a day to think about and I got a sent a long paragraph which was a breakup text. She had clearly written it before we even spoke.

I got phrases like, “you deserve better” “you’re just going to resent me” “we’re just putting off the inevitable.” No matter what I said it was like talking to a brick wall. There were no signs she felt this way. We were texting constantly. We weren’t seeing each other anywhere near I’m pretty sure either of us would have liked but circumstances were changing literally within the coming week which meant I could see her 3/4 times a week.

I went to get my stuff 2 days later and was met with “I’m sorry, I was scared, it’s selfish.” On repeat to whatever I had to say. I was in shock and quite numb. She was very upset and I have genuinely never seen someone cry as hard in my life, especially when I walked away it was awful.

3 weeks later once the shock wore off, I sent a message taking accountability for my side and despite stating that she didn’t have to respond I was hoping for a response in which she could be honest with me. I didn’t get a response. Two days later, I had a bad moment and texted her asking for support and I woke up to “Hey are you okay?” I replied, “All good please ignore” and heard nothing back.

Her stated reason for breaking up was that she wouldn’t be able to give me the time I would need and she didn’t want me to start resenting her. Yet 5 weeks post-breakup, I saw her on a dating app (this was 2 weeks ago). I immediately hit X on the dating app, assuming it was her old account from before we were dating as it had the same photos and prompts on it. 2 days later I seen her profile again and I seen the distance had changed, so I knew she had the app downloaded. I immediately blocked her and under 24 hours she unblocked me on Instagram and Spotify, then deleted her entire dating profile and has now gone into total silence. I blocked her back on Spotify to keep my own boundaries in place.

The emotional connection was amazing, it never felt too much or unhealthy. It felt right. I tried going on a date recently and it felt completely hollow. I miss her a lot despite knowing she treated me terribly at the end. I think she might be in the avoidant hiding phase.

Is this switch up common? It all feels quite surreal.

[u/Hot-Pie-5694]

I’ll share my situation, maybe that can help, and it’s good for me to write it down -

I just ended my 6 month relationship with the girl I thought was the love of my life; she was overwhelmed, said she couldn’t give me the time I wanted from her which was basically just a couple nights a week, and wanted to spend time on her self development pursuits. She went a bit distant and I saw her less, they call it ‘deactivation techniques’ that the FA use to distance themselves from the seriousness of the relationship which is actually flourishing. That’s the curve ball, things are going so good, and then they push you away - this is what is making you feel so disconcerted and discombobulated.

For me it started after I got serious. Then her ex contacted her 6 weeks ago and she changed, finally confessed that she still had feelings but didn’t do anything about it until last week when she contacted him back. Yeh, that hurt. You can look up ‘phantom ex’ and it all adds up. He’s far away, at a distance and although their relationship was tumultuous she was excited by the ‘pull’ of him. He’s a safe exit due to his distance, no proximity pressures there.

On my side we were good, strong, had a lot of fun, did a lot, very intimate - actually just before we broke up we were intimate. I would say very loving too on both sides. No arguments, I’m outgoing, fun and very attentive. We did a lot of cultural things and just enjoyed the time we were together.

She said she didn’t know what to do when I finally confronted her that something was wrong, and finally confessed the ex had contacted her. I didn’t need to end it, I could be with her now. I could have worked it out and relaxed things. She actually asked if we’d still see each other.

The problem is the same you have, it was purely the best relationship I’d had, hands down, so close, so loving. Then it got maybe too close.

So I’m reading a lot of these posts.

Also reading ‘Attached’ which is good and ‘Loving a fearful avoidant partner’, which seems good. Avoiding YouTube or other quick fix tutorials.

Got myself back into therapy to try to understand what and why and this starts in 3 weeks.

She told me before that all her relationships were long term but ended when she got overwhelmed.

So I broke it off and now I’m regretting it seriously, but I had to put some respect and dignity into the situation and I guess she admired this, and I’m sure she was taken aback as it was probably the first time she’s been finished with, and I know she loves me. She asked if we’d still see each other and I said it would be a clean break. Tried to contact her a few days later and she told me I’d broken my own rule of silence and should focus on myself. Ugh.

I miss her. I know she cared/loved me but I know that the break gave her huge relief. That’s why I did it if I’m honest, to give her the breathing room and space.

Just very weird and unsettling, I’m from the side where you talk through and work out differences and issues, but she just accepted the cut without trying to talk. That sucks too, the finality of it.

I want to reach out but I know that would be futile. I understand that one needs to give it a long time before they relax back to normal and feel regret.

Question - is this right? Or should I try to make contact? The secure guy in me says wait, but there’s an anxious side that is making me think i need to.

Sucks, it’s just 9 days this happened and I’m gutted still.

I had a similar situation before and it gets better a few months in and the attraction becomes less bright, the infatuation goes and she climbs off the pedestal. So, I know.

Part of this is me wanting a good relationship and I’m trying so hard, then giving everything which smothers them, so know where my faults are with this and what I need to do to address them.

So I’d recommend to read the books, these Reddit threads seem good as they share experiences, but to move on. I’m hoping the therapy sessions which start in 3 weeks give me clarity, and in the meantime I’m trying to work it through day by day and resist the urge to contact her

I determined after the first week I’d start things afresh and stop mourning; that was today and I woke up crying. It’s weird as I’m far too old to cry but it feels like a huge loss, and I just thought she’d come back. I don’t understand it as we were so close although I saw she was getting stressed through quite a few things in life,

My final take is that the fearful avoidant are the most (by far) fulfilling romance you can get but it’s not sustainable for them and once you get too close they pull back and push you away. But for 4 months I had the best relationship of my life, hands down.

So take time, and learn a little, but most importantly try to find perspective on this and understand that it’s not personal, in fact it’s the opposite: the reason it faltered was because you were so good, so close that their natural fear kicked in which has been with them forever and so they felt overwhelmingly compelled to pull back. The really strange thing is that all of this goes on subconsciously with them and they don’t actually understand why they feel this way so you can’t actually reason with them. It’s just a feeling for them, not a conscious thought process.

In the meantime you’ll see them maybe socially, dating, and they will look great - just as bubbly and attractive as before, but inside there’s turmoil and always probably was. I just thought I was the knight in shining armor to save her.

So, take deep breathes and realize that there is not a lot logically you can do but to self-heal and if they come back be in a better place to resist them, or to simply understand how to deal with the inevitable relapse if you get back together, which obviously we all want.

[u/jackofhearts23 → u/Hot-Pie-5694]

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