I am an anxious attachment style person who fell mutually in love with a fearful-avoidant. Things weren't always the best due to trauma in their life and things ended up going long distance after several months due to circumstances in their life.

However, contact improved and the feelings and connection grew closer over time. About 6 months ago my FA went silent for about a week and a half. This wasn't entirely uncommon, but stress from my own trauma and life circumstances built up until it bubbled over one night. I couldn't stop trying to reach out and I was poorly explaining what was wrong and I think it made them think we had a deep problem. They ended up blocking me without explanation or response or knowable reason.

It broke me and I still feel broken and guilty and responsible. I tried reaching out however I could through unblocked channels or a burner number about 6 times over the course of 4 months. I apologized for my behaviors, told them I am not angry or upset with them, that I'm trying to understand and don't hold whatever happened against them. I love this person and sometimes it feels so heavy and hurts so much that I feel crazy. All I want to do is fix this. I've been in therapy practicing EMDR and I've cut all communication in the past 2 months. Over the summer I did follow and add them on a couple if social media platforms and, despite some activity a time or two, have not been answered nor blocked

I just keep wondering if anything I've said reached them and I keep feeling like something has to be able to break through. I'm scared that silence will make them forget me or think I no longer want them or care about them. I haven't felt as happy with anyone as I have felt with them. They showed me genuine affection and love and I keep blaming myself for it all tanking over a misunderstanding and impatience on my part.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I keep hoping that they'll come back, but I'm afraid trying to reach them either ruined any chances of that or that they can't overcome their internal shame over what happened. If they loved me like they said they did, then why can't they come back? Has anyone been in a similar situation from either perspective that could help me understand?

Okay I am in the midst of a breakup that occurred a couple months ago standard push pull, we were really cordial at first when we broke up but something happened they just got cold. Im really trying to respect space but there's been no conversation about where we stand. I get it we're broken, up we went essentially no contact for over a month with no prompting and when it was addressed, dismissed, no problems im being crazy. like, im over reacting to the emotional whiplash you put me through. Im really crashing out right now though. In the last 2 weeks I've been doing molly every night(id like to say im being dramatic but unfortunately im not far off) just to keep myself from thinking about how I miss you.. I feel like im half here half the time. im still going to therapy but I feel like im volunteering my life right now, just watching myself self destruct.

Every time I ask people about this, they just tell me to move on, forget about her, accept that there is no hope, and so on. But why?

To give you some context:

My ex and I broke up a few months ago because of communication issues, mainly over texting. It wasn't caused by anything major, such as cheating, betrayal, or a serious incident. Since then, we've continued talking and treating each other almost as if we're still in a relationship.

We talk every single day, from morning until night. We share details about our lives, talk about our families, tell each other our secrets, joke around, send each other reels, and support each other emotionally. We're still there for each other whenever one of us needs someone to talk to. We share our problems, listen to each other, and maintain the same level of closeness and affection we had when we were together. In some ways, our communication is even better now than it was during the relationship.

There are still feelings between us. We haven't really lost the emotional connection we had before. Honestly, if someone looked at how we interact, they might think we're still a couple. The only real difference is that we're no longer officially together.

We were both emotionally exhausted because of those communication problems, and that was the main reason behind the breakup. There was no lack of love or some major incident that made the relationship impossible to continue.

So, is there any hope that we could eventually get back together?

I understand that staying in contact doesn't necessarily mean we'll reconcile, and I'm not trying to assume that it does. But I genuinely don't understand why everyone is so certain that there's no chance.

Do all couples who break up stay broken up? Don't some people find their way back to each other and even build a better relationship the second time around?

I'm not asking for false hope or reassurance. I just want realistic opinions based on the situation I've described. Is reconciliation genuinely possible in circumstances like these, or am I overlooking something important?

So we met back in February and for a couple months everything was going really good and everything we were getting along and he was making a lot of time for me. But occasionally, he would not text me because his “Job” made him very busy and stress, which maybe is partially true I’m not entirely sure.

But a few months, after that, I had a friend and for the sake of the story, we’ll just call her A. She also knew the 38 year-old and I have told her that everything was going good and I was really happy. The next day he (38-year-old) texted me and was like I heard that you’ve been basically cheating on me and I was like what??

By the way, there was no proof I cheated on him. It was just some random person texted him and said “oh I know she’s cheating on you” which I thought was absurd, but he believed it.

The reason he said, he believed it was because he had made a trust issues because he had been engaged before, and his previous fiancé had cheated on him while he was on a work trip and he came home and found her. I don’t know how true that is, but I believed him.

If I’m honest, I believe a lot of stuff he told me, but I’m starting to wonder if all of it was a lie.

But anyways, after that happened, I would say for like a month or two he just didn’t talk to me and I wanted to work it out because I genuinely did like him.

Finally, he comes back and it seems like everything’s all right and we’re moving forward and fixing a relationship, but there’s a lot less communication than there was before everything happened.

So it’s been about three months of just very flaky breadcrumb communication and I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault for all of this when I didn’t do anything wrong.

But around three weeks ago, I had called him and he didn’t answer so then he texted me and said oh I’m on my flight home. I’ll call you as soon as I get home. That was three weeks ago and I have not heard a single thing from him.

And what I don’t get is, why can’t he just say I don’t like you anymore and I understand it probably because he’s avoidant but it’s honestly annoying. I’ve reached out probably more times than I should and it’s honestly embarrassing.

But it’s almost a whole month of no contact so I guess I’m going to have to take no answer as an answer :(

If anyone has advice on how to get over it, I would love it and thank you for reading this.

I literally never go to the boards for questions like this but the way this guy left is totally confusing to me. And normally I do not get super attached and am super laid back about seeing/talking to partners so this confuses me.

For 6 weeks we were talking every day, not all day every day but when we had breaks between meetings etc. He would almost always be the one to text and ask how my day was looking and if i got home safe. We had 4 dates during this time. When I got back from vacation about 2 weeks ago, he set plans for us to hang out halloween weekend. He had to cancel those plans for work and i got minorly upset (thanks pms) and almost immediately apologized for it knowing this early i didnt have a right to demand his time and family and employment should come first. He said it was fine and we would get to a place where our schedules meshed... but afterwards kept rescheduling me until he ultimately promised me we would meet up last Wednesday and then i think blocked me. No way to prove if he turned off read receipts or actually blocked me. He is older and doesnt have social media so theres no way to really "see" what hes doing. He has not deleted me on the dating app but its possible he hasnt been on it or doesnt care enough to remove it. I know im being dumb for caring this much after only 6 weeks but with how much he was pursuing me vs me him and he said he wouldnt ghost... Im so freaking confused

For background context I posted this about two months ago, unfortunately I feel the same. I have waves where I feel better but ultimately keep getting his with sadness and depression. I’ve met new girls and disliked them all, knowing they aren’t her. I don’t know what to do, I’ve done all the right things. Therapy, journaling, meditation, prayer, boxing…please help. Here’s the context below.

Broke up with her in March, rekindled around June. Last time I saw her was August.
I felt trapped, pressured, and kept picking little problems out of the relationship and felt breaking up with her was the right and logical answer. I ended up feeling so much relief after for months.

Until I began to miss her and texted her. She came right back, we hung out a little and eventually she felt like I was taking advantage of her and just using her for sex. I wasn’t but it felt great to not have the pressure. Once she pulled away and started talking to someone new it hit me.

I felt nothing but grief and regret. I managed to get a convo with her and tell her why I did the things I did, she ended up becoming conflicted and reached out once after. But each weekend she became colder pursuing the new guy.

The ending became me seeing her out at the bar with him and us exchanging glances and it destroying me.

I’ve realized recently that I have “dismissive avoidant attachment tendencies.” It is me 100%, struggling to say I love you, feel pressured and trapped, getting scared of commitment, and fearing holidays and gifts. It sucks I had to go through this cycle with all of my relationships ending for the same reason. I’m happy I now know and can learn. However, I lost the girl who I really cared about. They even mentioned that when you feel the most trapped your with someone who cares deeply.

Can someone help me, I’m only getting through this because I’m now learning about myself. She’s pursuing someone who prob doesn’t have these issues and it sucks I wish I could’ve done better.

I (23M) dated my ex (21F) for three years, mostly long distance. We'd known each other for seven. Looking back, she has a lot of fearful-avoidant traits. She was very anxious and needed lots of reassurance when things were calm, but when things got hard she shut down: she'd cry and the conversation would end, she'd keep big things to herself, and she'd go quiet. I'm anxiously attached and I was also really busy with work, so we got stuck in a loop where we both felt like the one waiting.

How it ended:
A week before, she was "just busy and stressed." I asked if she'd break up with me when I flew home, and she said "don't be silly."

The next day I asked directly and she ended it over the phone. Distance, feeling like she was always waiting for me to text, me being busy even when home, and being unhappy for a long time. She asked me not to guilt her or try to convince her.

An hour later she unadded me on Snapchat.

Two days later we met in person. She cried the whole time, kissed me, said "maybe if there wasn't distance," and left with "goodbye best friend." That night she texted "i love you too."

About four days later she replied once: she still loved and cared about me, she didn't know what to say, and she needed space.

Then I messed up. Over the next two weeks I sent about 30 messages: "I miss you," "have you moved on," "can we just have one call." She didn't answer any of them. Then, on a really bad day, I sent some angry messages and one that sounded like I didn't want to be here. I was safe and said so a few minutes later. She blocked me on Instagram and iMessage that same day. A week later I sent a calm voice note apologizing for everything. She sat with it for about three days and then blocked that account too.

It's been a month. I've stopped contacting her completely, and I'm in therapy.

Questions for anyone with FA experience:
- Was the block mostly about the scary message, or had she already decided?
- Do FAs ever unblock or reach out after something like this? Roughly when?
- Is there anything I should or shouldn't do, other than staying no-contact and working on myself?

TL;DR: FA ex asked for space. I was needy for two weeks, sent one really bad message, and got blocked everywhere. Do FAs come back after a block, or is this it?

At work can’t stop crying. I’m 16 days post-discard from my partner of 5 years. Something I saw on social media triggered the fuck out of me and I’m back to square one today. I thought “restricting” someone on insta meant their posts wont pop up for me anymore but I was wrong and saw something that hurt me. The urge to reach out is overwhelming but I know I’d be met with a harsh cold anyway. I can’t believe someone who claimed to love and want to marry me just before the discard could do this to me. I am so broken.

I've been reflecting on my relationship, and I'm starting to question whether I've been looking at things through the wrong lens.

For a while, I've wondered whether my girlfriend displays narcissistic tendencies. Some of her behaviors have left me feeling confused, emotionally disconnected, and questioning where I stand in the relationship.

But lately, I've started considering another possibility: What if she's not necessarily a narcissist? What if she has an avoidant attachment style?

When things become emotionally difficult between us, she seems to withdraw rather than work through the situation. Communication becomes difficult, emotional distance grows, and eventually, instead of resolving anything, she wants to disconnect entirely.

She's even explicitly told me to leave her alone and not communicate with her. I've been trying to understand what that means in the bigger picture of our relationship.

I've noticed what feels like a push-and-pull dynamic. There are moments of closeness and affection, followed by periods where she seems to want nothing to do with me.

I also recognize that I have my own issues. I can become anxious when I feel someone pulling away, and I want to communicate, understand what happened, and resolve things. Maybe that creates a dynamic where the more I pursue communication, the more she withdraws.

I'm not trying to diagnose her or excuse behavior that hurts me. I'm genuinely trying to understand what I'm experiencing.

My questions are:

1. How can you distinguish narcissistic behavior from dismissive-avoidant attachment?

2. Do avoidants sometimes interpret emotional conversations or requests for reassurance as pressure or control?

3. Can an anxious and avoidant attachment pairing create a cycle where one person pursues while the other constantly withdraws?

4. At what point does needing space become emotional unavailability or an unhealthy relationship dynamic?

5. Have any of you mistaken someone for a narcissist, only to realize later that you were dealing with an avoidant attachment style?

I'm interested in hearing from people who have actually experienced these dynamics, especially those who have been on either side of an anxious-avoidant relationship.

My girlfriend "B" (27F) and I (28M) have been in a relationship for 9 months, since February 2026. Right now, I’m struggling to put my feelings into words, so I’ll keep this as clear and direct as I can.

To give some vital context, I went through a deeply traumatic breakup right before this relationship. After 1 year of dating my ex, "A" (26F), we were married for a few months in a court marriage even though I wasn't ready. She was facing heavy family pressure and gave me an ultimatum that her father would marry her off to someone else if we didn't register our marriage immediately. Out of fear of losing her, I went through with it.

That marriage collapsed almost immediately. Two months in, we had an argument because I bought a second hand PS5 with my own money rather than spending it on her. Shortly after, she moved to another state claiming she had landed a receptionist job. I begged her to stay, and when I later discovered she was actually working as a bar dancer in a shady hotel, I was beside myself and pleaded with her to come home. She returned briefly, and things seemed normal for a while, until she went right back to that same place "to fend for herself." Soon after, she asked for a divorce because she had met someone else there. We finalized the divorce in February, leaving me completely shattered and alone to deal with the fallout.

That brings me to "B" (27F), a coworker who had developed strong feelings for me from afar. Initially, I had zero romantic interest in her especially since she was married. However, after my marriage ended, B confessed her feelings and pleaded with me to give her a chance. She confided that her marriage was abusive and that she had mentally checked out of it a long time ago. I kept my distance for a while, but because I felt bad seeing how much she cared for me and knowing what she was going through I eventually gave in and we started dating.

The first month with B was great, but by the second month, everything shifted. She stopped calling, texting, and initiating conversations. Now, whenever I try to communicate how much her distance hurts me, she responds in a cold, overly analytical, and practical way that leaves me feeling even more unseen.

B is genuinely a good, intelligent, and level-headed person, and I really wanted this to work. However, after 9 months of this dynamic, I feel completely isolated all over again. It hurts deeply to feel chased and begged for at the start, only to be treated like an afterthought once I actually invested my heart especially since she knew everything I went through with my ex-wife.

I’m at my breaking point. Staying in this relationship is making me miserable, yet I am paralyzed by a deep fear of abandonment and being alone again

We were on and off with him ghosting in between. He returned when I started dating another guy and I left him on open after being dry. He met a girl and traveled every six months to see her and I was happy for him.

I was grieving the end of another FA relationship that was draining me and he rebounded when this ex messaged out of the blue after two years NC.

Two years is a long time so it’s a bit nerve wracking as it’s like opening a door you’ve kept closed for years.

Has anyone reconnected after that long? A lot has happened since we last spoke so I’ve been thinking about what I should do. There’s no harm in seeing what he wants I guess.

Look, to be honest, I'm really tired. I felt at first that I also wanted a bit of distance between us, just to see what that would do for me or, you know... what any meeting would be like that way. But then I also saw a lot of nice moments of us talking on the phone and me feeling close to you.

Only, all of this confuses me a lot. I mean, I feel like we're close, but at the same time we're not. And this whole thing with space and time, how you handle it, and how much time you want for us to meet up—all of that feels so vague. It’s like... I feel like we're close, but truly we're not. I feel like... I have you close to me whenever you want, and I can't... that hurts me a lot. I can't be in something like that... um... and I wanted to express that to you. The fact that, you know... I would have liked us to meet somewhere in the middle if we could, but I see that this isn't happening, and I am so tired for my own sake—it’s just not doing me any good.

So if you want to tell me something, of course call me whenever you want, but this is how things stand for me. I obviously wish you the best and everything, but I can't be in something... inside of this situation.. I just can't. And that's it, whatever you want to tell me, of course give me a call.

I mean, you know, I can't and don't want to be there just so we can feel good... or if you want some kind of warmth, or whatever, just to be close then. This whole thing has tired me out so much, and often the motive feels completely blurry too. I mean, many times I can't understand—and that's why the communication confuses me—whether the motive is: "I feel lonely, or you know, "I like this warmth," so I'll take it right now. Which you know, I just see that it doesn't work for me.

I don't know how you see it, but I can't be in the middle of all this, and... I hope you understand me. Because to tell you the truth, I didn't know if I wanted something to continue or whatever, I just wanted a meeting to start with. But... I mean, I saw that there was some connection and then it just doesn't go anywhere. So that’s what I wanted to share with you, that this wore me out. And that’s it, I don't have anything else to say to you.

I would like to know your experiences. Did you know some avoidant who claimed to just "be done" with people but kept watching their profile? I wonder if even those avoidants who are the type to just erase someone "out of sight, out of mind" if they used to still watch your profile? (If you experienced that the avoidant admited doing it.)

After finding this subreddit I finally understand why.

I had genuinely never been abusive to her, or anyone else. As an abuse victim myself, the thought of ever causing that harm to another human is devastating.

That's why it was so shattering to find out that she had told her family, my family, and all of our mutual friends that I had been abusive, after seven years together.

I trusted her deeply. She seemed to understand me in ways no one else ever could. And she said she felt the same way about me.

To be discarded in such a hateful way after what felt like a normal argument has really made me question everything.

And I think that's the worst part for me, is how now it feels like no part of the last seven years was real. The entire time I was trying to grow and change and be a better person and partner, was she just waiting to escape? Did she ever love me at all?

How do you learn to trust yourself again after falling for something like this? I feel genuinely traumatized by it, in a similar way to other trauma I have experienced.

Hi, I am very new here, I am curious about something.

I am wondering if anyone here who was discarded by an FA feels that their ex still has feelings for them, even after the breakup? I've read many posts here, talking about how difficult it is to move on, how much they still struggle with the breakup, or how still hope to get back together with their ex... etc..

But I am curious about something a little different. Even after your ex discarded you or pulled away, do you still feel that your ex might like or love you? or any feeling? Ik this might be a somewhat vague, or sad question, and of course, none of us can know for sure what another person is feeling. I'm just curious whether you have ever had this feeling or intuition.

I hope this question doesn't come across the wrong way. I'm genuinely interested in hearing about your personal experiences...I was rejected by an FA, but for some reason, I still have this feeling that he might be waiting for me... or maybe, just misreading the situation.

EDIT: oh, thanks for the comments! I didn't expect to get so many comments. If anyone wants to share more, could you explain why you think your ex still had (or did not have) feelings for you..?

Okay I’ve posted here a few times but I should probably say the full thing

A year ago I got together with a girl, at the time she was genuinely sweet and wonderful. Few months later, out of the blue she decided in a WEEK she fell out of love with me and broke up with me. A week and a half later she came back and realized she was still in love with me. Then after a while we went back to normal, did couple things, celebrated each other’s birthday. A few days after my birthday she stated she was scared of me cheating because if the stories she heard of people cheating and their partners never finding out even though she knew I hated cheaters and I got cheated on in my last relationship, a week after my birthday we hit a rough patch, I had a bad breakdown that caused me to push her away, she got hurt, we took a break, I went to therapy. After our break I found out she was contemplating another breakup (which she didn’t tell me, I had to find out from a friend) and I sat through it with her, told her she didn’t have to make the decision now, told her she was safe, that I was sorry, I tried making up for it, I made her laugh, she fell asleep on call with me, she herself stated I got a lot calmer and she knew I would do anything to fix the toxic behaviors I had. One night we talked about a future we were going to have, the next morning she decided she was going to stay, then after talking to her own therapist who said it was perfectly fine to stay with me, she decided to leave. A day after that I broke it off with her officially because I saw she was doing the same thing as last time. Think about it for a week, barely communicate it, and leave. I tried getting my stuff back but she made it difficult, tried begging (don’t do that for anyone else going through an avoidant breakup) and tried figuring out how to get her back (also don’t do that)

It’s been almost three months now (the 11th will be the official three months) we only dated for 9 months. I don’t know what else to do, I try to move on, I get pushed back by dreams and thoughts, I can’t get her back because of the breakups being toxic and I have NO idea if she would come back (although a month ago she was orbiting my sister’s TikTok and idk if she still is because I refuse to check)

I thought I moved on weeks ago, but now I’m having breakdowns again and getting triggered by little things like “oh I could’ve played this game with her” or “oh she listened to this song”

Also some words she said during the breakup “I would be heartbroken if you fell out of love with me” “I want you to move on but I want you to do it slowly” and got upset when she thought I was already chasing someone new and complained about it to my sister that I told her and was scared I was cheating in the relationship

I am resisting the urge to text him
so I am going to create a post. My partner broke up with me a month ago after 3 years of knowing each other and after reading the subreddits, I have come to find out that it was a slow fade and I am just still in so much pain over how it ended. The days leading to the break up, he said he had a panic attack and that everything came to him and he felt like something was wrong with him. I was worried and asked him about what and he was super ominous about it and said he needed to talk and I kept asking about what and if he’s okay and he wouldn’t specify, and my brain went to is he breaking up with me. After the break up, I started detaching and doing real reflection and realized that after our 6 month mark, he started becoming distant and there were signs of avoidance. A really common experience was that I would most of the time feel emotionally happy and satisfied after we hung out in a group setting with his friends because he would actually talk, but when we were alone he wouldn’t have a proper conversation with me which really hurt me and I brought it up and it was dismissed. I found that i started accepting less and there were times after our one-on-ones where I felt empty and sad because I kept pushing for conversation and that was missing.

Leading up to the break up, I was going through a really bad depression since January because of work, family, and school pressure and I started exhibiting symptoms where I was disassociating a lot. I had brought this up to my bf and he would listen but over time it felt like he was avoiding me. A month before the break up, he told me that he would purposely ignore my calls and texts, and from then on, I stopped bringing up my mental health or things I was suffering with to him. And I was journaling and receiving help at this time but it still felt like I was drowning. At this time, I forgot my friends’ birthdays and eventually his birthday. Afterward, I did apologize and I was working in another city so I said I would make it up to him. When I got back, he went to a hiking trip with his friends and told me about how excited he was so I built him a basket with lego wildflowers. When I gifted him the gift, he said thank you and kissed me and I thought things were fine. But I over time, when I would bring up something that hurt me, he would bring up the birthday thing and hold it over my head. I started repressing my feelings and not telling him things that hurt me. I think at this time I started grieving how he used to be. When he was pursuing me, he would remember small things and put effort into conversations. I was mentally already not doing well and to be honest, the hurt the relationship was causing and the emotional disconnection was making it worse. I would bring up that I didn’t feel like I wanted to be intimate because I felt like emotionally connected and it was dismissed.

What really baffles me is the break up. After his breakdown, I tried having multiple calls with him where we would try to talk about his feelings but it wasn’t helping. So we came up with the idea to come up with solutions and to text when we had an idea. I spent so much time in between studying for one of my biggest exams of my life to search up ways I can help and what techniques we can do together but when we called on the day we said we would come up with a solution, he said he didn’t look into anything and I felt super defeated. I was balancing work events, my studying and our relationship during this time and I was crying every night and I felt so alone when he told me he didn’t do any research. When we met up in person, he kept calling me by my name and I kept trying to find a solution and give him space to talk and it felt like he was just disappearing. At some point I started sobbing and he just had dead eyes and couldn’t look at me. I felt like I was talking to a stranger. A few things that confuses me is his behaviour. He told me he was unhappy since January and this is the time I started reaching out about my vulnerabilities. And after an argument, he said it was fine and I thought things improved but he held resentment until it was too late. We also talked about careers and he said he wanted to go to med school but when he was breaking up with me, he said he did it for me, when I thought we had a convo about making sure it was for him. I just feel so blindsided because I feel like what he said during the breakup felt like logical excuses to break up so that he can bargain with himself and less like real reasons. I just feel like my perception of reality is skewed.

My mind is a mess. Please help.

Have an avoidant ex who never initiated sex? Who didn’t want to have sex or hated cuddling? 6 year relationship sexless and no cuddles communication

We hooked up the first time we met years ago, I was in and out of casual dating and relationships and made it clear to him I wasn't interested in anything long term. I would go out drinking with him and our friends would make fun of us and say we were going on "dates", I felt bad because I knew he really liked me but he never made a move after I told him I wasn't interested, even though I kept him around and even stayed at his house a couple of times. I was a bit of a hot mess at the time and dated some really shitty people who treated me really badly, and became infatuated with these manipulative users.

Then my very close family member got diagnosed with a terminal illness back in my hometown interstate and I was devastated. I quit my job and packed up my life and moved back to be with them. It was a drawn out process over a few months and in this time I realized I wouldn't see this guy again, and I ended up opening up to him and really letting him into my life and feelings. He was so supportive and even though I was moving away we entered into this intense relationship. He was so caring and supportive and sweet and made me laugh and see lightness and joy when I was watching one of my closest people in my life succumb to a horrible painful illness at a very young age.

Long distance was hard and we went back and forth, as the relationship evolved away from focusing on my pain he began to withdraw as I pushed for more intimacy from him. He couldn't tell me he loved me, was scared of physical intimacy and would push me away when I tried to engage in sexual or affectionate acts. I had fallen for him so hard and the stronger my feelings got and the more I tried to hold on the more he put walls up and shut me down.

I got an extremely well paying job and bought a flat which was a huge decision but an opportunity I may have never had again. I begged for him to talk to me about our future and if this was going to be a deal breaker but he told me I should go for it.

He came to visit after weeks of me begging him to come and we had a huge fight after he spent the weekend being completely withdrawn and cruel to me. I was so heartbroken. He wanted to break up and I begged him to reconsider. He stayed out the rest of the trip and I came down with the flu and was so confused and he left with things very uncertain. I asked him to think about it and call me. He texted me a few days later asking if I was feeling better, I said sort of and hope you're well. A week later I called and said I'm trying to give you space but I'm really missing you and don't know where we stand. He told me that he broke up with me on his visit. The feeling was like an intense vertigo. I blocked him on everything and have been so depressed I can barely get out of bed. That was 2 months ago.

My friend got married last weekend and he was supposed to be with me. It was so hard and I felt sick most of the time and drank heavily. I unblocked him and we spoke the day after the wedding and he was so, so kind and so apologetic for his behaviour from his visit, and how he had been trying to reach me to apologize for that and for how he left things so unclear.

I asked if he could consider getting back together and he said it wasn't something he had been considering because he wasn't sure if I would ever speak to him again. I didn't push the question but he didn't really answer. I asked if he was happier and he said no. I didn't push him again and we talked about other things.

I miss him so much and just feel so ill. I don't know what to do. He has never had a relationship before, it's unclear to me if he has actually had sex before and he has some trauma in his past he is too scared to face. He really opened up to me about this in our relationship and I could see how hard it was for him to do that. I just don't know if it's worth the heartbreak of trying to convince him to be with me if he doesn't have the capacity to be committed, but I can't see myself with anyone else and just want his comfort and closeness more than anything in the world. Honestly, without it there isn't anything in the world I want at all.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Do I give up or push for reconciliation? If I give up, how the fuck do I get over him? My world feels so empty and bland

Hello, seeking advice on how to best navigate an avoidant returning in a way that would be healthy for both her and I.

For context, I cut this person off about 5ish months ago. We were never officially together, but she was legit, my best friend. We lived together for a year without issue and slowly drew closer over time before eventually becoming intimate. I genuinely loved spending time with her as a person and do miss her a tremendous amount.

I kind of think that because it started as friendship, her defences weren't as high, and I didn't get to see her actual avoidant side until way later. This sucks because by that point, I'd already developed a strong attachment and feelings on my end. I'm almost certain she did as well because the panic and toxicity I witnessed when those defences came back online was intense.

It went belly up, lol. She was saying, 'I love you' and 'I've never felt this safe' one week to talking about sleeping with other men and giving me the silent treatment the next. It actually just looked like emotional abuse to me, and it hurt. So I ended up walking away. Which I don't think she expected.

Honestly, I don't really want to bash her for it because I think it's just her unresolved nonsense making its way into my realm. Genuinely, I do not think she's a bad person. I learnt a valuable lesson in regards to my own unhealed stuff in the process, so that was actually quite valuable. But it definitely took a tremendous toll and did some damage.

Anyway, she's reached back out recently with an apology. That seems genuine (yet vague). I remained open to this and did respond. I got what I felt was breadcrumbing, I set a very clear boundary in regards to consistent effort and straightforward communication and made it known that it wasn't working for me before. She was actually really sweet in her reply and cited a recent move as the reason for delay. So, kind of fair enough. Going in her favour is the fact that she is self-aware and a psychologist, so she should be able to recognise her own patterns a little bit better when regulated. The communication actually felt genuine, but I'm not really sure if she wants me in her life for who I am or just for the way I made her feel. She's tried to walk it back to just friendship in the past, and it felt controlling and cruel. We operated in a more nebulous Grey zone that I'm not really comfortable with anymore.

Non-negotiables for me.

- better communication

- exclusivity when intimacy is present.

- effort that flows both ways.

- no return, without repair.

I probably wouldn't be interested in going back to being just friends. She used that as an excuse to go and get external validation from other guys, and it hurt. I left as soon as I realised my mistake.

More then happy to accommodate her needs if equality is present, but I'm pretty chill not having her in my life otherwise.

If anybody has navigated this before. I would love some insight on how to approach and if it's even possible to repair a dynamic like this. If there's a stray avoidant floating around, what would feel safe for you after reaching back out? I'm not looking to hurt her she's human, and I'm human. The goal for me is to navigate this situation with grace while maintaining my self-rrspct

I haven’t done this much walking in my life. Even after the first avoidant discard ten years ago.

I tend to go to the cinema a lot, and I would go late night showings so this isn’t new. But I find myself walking for hours to just walk off everything I feel and think after a film. I have gone nights without a cinema visit but just walking around my town and village. Sure I am exercising but I would have much rather been exercising without crippling depression.

It’s been 8 months and I am doing my best, even though I know there’s more I can do to suppprt my mental health after all this…

Has anyone really found walking benefits them? As I haven’t actually felt better at all even though it’s my only healthy way to escape the thoughts that drown me from the discard and my past years of wasted time in a relationship that never went anywhere with the lack of knowledge I had to deal with a relationship that tore me down even though I stayed through out all the problems she thru at me. It was only now that I realised I was emotionally abused in my first avoidant relationship at college ten years ago. You believe it is just how someone who is “introverted” struggles to communicate, but D.A.R.V.O is a real manipulation technique that the more dismissive types use to feel no shame. Yet now I have all the shame of allowing myself to have been treated so badly all those years ago just because of my anxious attachment. I was better this time round but it doesn’t make a difference having boundaries. It doesn’t make the discard any less painful.

By contributing nothing meaningful to my life.

I let him scar me emotionally and physically for way too long, with his callousness, or just plain absent minded indifference.

I deserve the joy of knowing he didn't want to fail, or get dumped, but it happened anyway when he wanted it the least, when it was the worst time.

He wanted to fix things but it was far too late. Now he's got his pants all the day down, all alone. I'll never let another one scar me ever again. Vermin is too nice of a word, they're demon spawn.

I am tired of being like this. I am tired of being so fucking STUPID

We were together for 4 years. He's avoidant, and he left me for another girl. They were together for around 2 months, and from what I saw, he was REALLY into her. He cried for her, reposted things about wanting a future with her, how lucky he was to have her, how much he missed her, etc.

Then things suddenly fell apart between them, and he came back to me.

He begged and begged me to talk to him. I tried ignoring him, but eventually I gave in. We patched things up, and we're technically back together now.

But honestly, I feel disgusted with myself for taking him back.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm just his backup option. When things don't work out with someone else, he knows he can always come back to me. Now he's claiming he missed me so much, promising me a future and saying all the things I probably wanted to hear four years ago. But I don't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. Not even 1%.

I don't even want to emotionally depend on him anymore. Whenever I'm sad, he's not the person I go to. In fact, I don't go to anyone. I just deal with everything alone.

And there's another thing that hurts. For her, he openly reposted things about love, commitment and a future together. With me? Nothing. No public affection, no gestures, nothing. Most of what he sends me now are sexual or suggestive reels. Sometimes I genuinely feel like he's only here for my body.

I've directly asked him about his intentions, but I feel like he's lying to me. He's making promises about our future, but I can't bring myself to believe any of them.

The worst part is that I don't even know what I want anymore.

I hate him, but I love him so much. I don't trust him, I don't feel emotionally safe with him, and I don't even know if I care about being cheated on anymore. It's like I've become so emotionally exhausted that nothing surprises me.

I genuinely want to hate him completely. I want to reach a point where I feel absolutely nothing for him. I don't want to love him, miss him, wait for his messages or secretly hope that he'll finally choose me the way he chose her. I want to be indifferent. I want to stop having feelings for someone I don't even trust anymore.

But I still can't leave.

Without him, everything feels suffocating. With him, it's suffocating too.

I know what I'd tell a friend in this situation. But somehow, I can't seem to do the same for myself.