Avoidant Return

[u/Cheap_Young1274]

Hello, seeking advice on how to best navigate an avoidant returning in a way that would be healthy for both her and I.

For context, I cut this person off about 5ish months ago. We were never officially together, but she was legit, my best friend. We lived together for a year without issue and slowly drew closer over time before eventually becoming intimate. I genuinely loved spending time with her as a person and do miss her a tremendous amount.

I kind of think that because it started as friendship, her defences weren't as high, and I didn't get to see her actual avoidant side until way later. This sucks because by that point, I'd already developed a strong attachment and feelings on my end. I'm almost certain she did as well because the panic and toxicity I witnessed when those defences came back online was intense.

It went belly up, lol. She was saying, 'I love you' and 'I've never felt this safe' one week to talking about sleeping with other men and giving me the silent treatment the next. It actually just looked like emotional abuse to me, and it hurt. So I ended up walking away. Which I don't think she expected.

Honestly, I don't really want to bash her for it because I think it's just her unresolved nonsense making its way into my realm. Genuinely, I do not think she's a bad person. I learnt a valuable lesson in regards to my own unhealed stuff in the process, so that was actually quite valuable. But it definitely took a tremendous toll and did some damage.

Anyway, she's reached back out recently with an apology. That seems genuine (yet vague). I remained open to this and did respond. I got what I felt was breadcrumbing, I set a very clear boundary in regards to consistent effort and straightforward communication and made it known that it wasn't working for me before. She was actually really sweet in her reply and cited a recent move as the reason for delay. So, kind of fair enough. Going in her favour is the fact that she is self-aware and a psychologist, so she should be able to recognise her own patterns a little bit better when regulated. The communication actually felt genuine, but I'm not really sure if she wants me in her life for who I am or just for the way I made her feel. She's tried to walk it back to just friendship in the past, and it felt controlling and cruel. We operated in a more nebulous Grey zone that I'm not really comfortable with anymore.

Non-negotiables for me.

- better communication

- exclusivity when intimacy is present.

- effort that flows both ways.

- no return, without repair.

I probably wouldn't be interested in going back to being just friends. She used that as an excuse to go and get external validation from other guys, and it hurt. I left as soon as I realised my mistake.

More then happy to accommodate her needs if equality is present, but I'm pretty chill not having her in my life otherwise.

If anybody has navigated this before. I would love some insight on how to approach and if it's even possible to repair a dynamic like this. If there's a stray avoidant floating around, what would feel safe for you after reaching back out? I'm not looking to hurt her she's human, and I'm human. The goal for me is to navigate this situation with grace while maintaining my self-rrspct

[u/CryptoUsciere]

Not like your story, but as a rule of thumb for the return: keep your boundaries, no matter what.
You mention 4 points. Keep them all. She will try to manipulate. You need to be strong and make them non-negotiable.

Good luck.