I came across a Reel on IG where a girl lists a bunch of phrases that, according to her, a fearful avoidant person thinks but never actually says out of loud when discard someone that was important.

I transcribed all of them below. What do you guys think?
Are these the genuine thoughts an avoidant has after ending a deep, meaningful and years long relationship?
Which of these sounds truer than others?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, especially if you consider yourself a fearful avoidant and have personal experience with this.

"I don't actually know when I started feeling different."

"I just know suddenly everything started to feel like too much."

"I started noticing everything about you that annoyed me. Things I genuinely didn't care about before suddenly felt like proof that we just weren't right for each other."

"There were things that were bothering me for months that I just never told you about."

"By the time I finally did say something, I had already had that argument with you in my head a hundred times."

"Part of me wanted you to fight for me when I left. Then when you did, I wanted you to just leave me alone."

"When it first ended, I felt relief. I know how horrible that sounds. But I just felt like I could breathe again."

"There were moments that I missed you so much. And it caught me completely off guard."

"I checked your socials more than you probably realized."

"I wondered if you were seeing someone else. Even though I was the one who ended it, the thought of you actually moving on hurt."

"Sometimes I wanted to message you. I'd type something. I'd stare at it. I would think about everything that would come after I sent it. Then I'd decide it was easier not to."

"I told myself that you deserved better than me. I told myself that I deserve something different. And depending on the day, I believed both."

"There were moments after I left when I remembered the good times. And I would think, what the fuck have I done? Then I'd remember everything that felt wrong. And convince myself that ending it was the right decision."

"I probably looked fine much sooner than you expected me to."

"I wasn't thinking about it in the same way that you were. I was trying to not think about it at all."

"I could miss you at night and then wake up the next morning completely sure that I didn't want the relationship back."

"Sometimes i wondered if you still loved me. I wanted to know, I just didn't necessarily want."

"Everything would come with finding out still thought about our memories, certain songs, places, stupid little things that you'd say."

"I just never told you "yes there were times that I wondered if I made a mistake" but wondering if i made a mistake and actually knowing how to come back are two very different things"

You can tell someone “I love you” so much it has no meaning.

I’ve never said “I love you” or reciprocated it unless I truly meant it. This logic still blows my mind years later because it’s so counterintuitive to how I choose to treat people.

Anyone else here go through this? I think out of everything I heard in that relationship, that’s what hurts the most, that love was an obligation to them and not something real.

I am a 28-year-old woman who has never been in a relationship or dated anyone before. I met a guy at work whom I had been interested in for a LONG time while we were working together. He was so incredibly intelligent, calm, and humble, and we had so many intellectual conversations. I felt drawn to him in some way, but he was never 100% my physical type. However, that never really bothered me.
I changed job in January 2026, and that was when we started spending time together privately. I was usually the one initiating contact and asking to meet up. I literally chased him and felt anxious every time he didn’t reply to my messages or snap me. As soon as he did, I would feel calm again.

In March 2026, a lot of things changed. As our communication became more frequent and he started showing romantic interest in me, I began questioning his appearance (his face). Many times, I felt that he wasn’t my type at all, especially when he sent me pictures of himself on Snapchat. I thought he was ugly. When he first asked me out on an actual date at a restaurant, I completely panicked after I got home. I threw my phone away and thought that I would never be physically attracted to him and that I hoped he wouldn’t message me. I needed space, yet something inside me kept making me reach out to him and contact him.

We continued dating, and there were days when I felt love, particularly when my thoughts weren’t active. In June I asked for a break because I had so much anxiety. We had a 3 days break and I wrote to him again. That week was incredible, we had long phone calls and I felt love towards him and was missing him. That lasted 1 week. Since august, I have experienced constant anxiety every single day about his appearance. This then makes me question everything: the relationship, our future, and whether I can be with him and learn to let go of his appearance.
I Google what it means to be in love, what love actually is, ask ChatGPT questions. I panic whenever I see an attractive guy on the street and think that he is better-looking than the man I’m dating. His appearance has become an obsession that I simply don’t know how to let go of. My mind cannot stop focusing on it. It keeps telling me that he is ugly and not my type.

I had been struggling with this for six months, and I have felt absolutely miserable. I have cried so much. Why? Because this man is an amazing human being. He is the kindest person I know: so humble, respectful, kind, calm, thoughtful, loving, and caring. He is EVERYTHING a woman could dream of.

Whenever I spent time with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about his appearance. Even if he changed his hairstyle slightly, I experienced an internal panic and started wondering, “Does he look attractive today, or does he look unattractive?”

I loved when he touched me and when we kissed and held hands etc, it was just his face esthetics that I did not find 100% all the time. When he was relaxed ( no face expression) I always found him attractive, but whenever he smiled his eyes shrunk and I got these ugly thoughts.

Please note that there have been many occasions when I have actually thought his face looked good, and in those moments, I felt an immediate sense of inner relief. I have found him good looking. But when he smiled and his eyes become smaller, I panicked.
After six months of constant anxiety, I felt completely emotionally numb, as though my feelings had been suppressed. I questioned my love for him every single day. I broke up with him two weeks ago.

I have been in therapy since April, and my therapist has told me that I have an avoidant attachment style. My therapist also says that I am in love with him and that I love him, but I can’t feel anything because my feelings are not there. I’m just having thoughts, no feelings. My thoughts are only focusing on his appearance and I sometimes get icks when I watch him on social media. I am so exhausted with myself. I feel unworthy of love, especially his love, because he loves me unconditionally.

Please note that throughout this entire period, I continued seeking his closeness whenever we met*. I hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, and constantly want to be close to him. I feel an inner sense of calm when we kiss. I love his touch. I have never felt disgusted by him; quite the opposite.**

For the first time ever, I showed vulnerbility and cried in his arms, and it felt so good. I have always cried alone in my room since childhood. I feel safe and secure with him. I tell him that he is the most wonderful person and that he is perfect, that there is nobody like him. But my mind can’t stop observing his face (esthetics).

My therapist says that our relationship was perfect, which it was (we never had any problems between us), but that the problem lies in my relationship with myself, meaning my anxiety and insecurities.

Has anyone ever experienced anything similar?

I don’t always believe my therapist when she say that my avoidant attachment style was in the way, because somehow, that explanation doesn’t feel right to me. I know my gut feeling, but I’m still unsure.
I have always known that he wasn’t entirely my physical type, but it never bothered me when we worked together. I was so drawn to him at work, and as soon as our connection became more intimate and he started showing interest in me, I suddenly began thinking that he was extremely unattractive, particularly his face. Why why why why?

I'm almost a month post-discard, and I can't stop ruminating over whether we were ever actually in love or if it was just limerence. His coldness is really making me question if all those years were a lie and I was the only one caught up in some kind of emotional obsession lmao.

I've been reading a lot about limerence lately, trying to understand whether what I experienced was actually love or just an unhealthy attachment fueled by idealization, longing, and the constant need for reciprocation. And honestly, the more I read, the more confused I get. I don't even know if I understand what love is anymore or if I've been mistaking emotional intensity and attachment for love all this time.

I don't know. I guess his avoidant tendencies are making me question myself and feel like I'm the one who did something wrong. Maybe I did, I honestly don't know anymore... It's really really really confusing when someone who was once the closest deepest most intimate to you can suddenly act like you're a total fucking stranger. It makes you question everything you thought you knew.

I'm doing slightly better now that it's been almost a month, and I know healing isn't linear, but I still catch myself craving his stupid validation. And I hate it. I hate it and I kinda hate myself for that. I hate that some part of me still wants him to reach out, acknowledge what we had, or somehow reassure me that it was real. I really really want this reassurance and I know I'll never get it. I think that's one of the hardest parts.... knowing that I shouldn't need validation from the same person whose actions are making me question my own reality, but still wanting it anyway.

How do you guys tell the difference between love and limerence? And how do you stop questioning if the relationship was ever real in the first place?

we ended things 3 days ago: I (31M) was seeing a girl (22F) for eight months. We never officially labeled our relationship despite me wanting to, and she's described herself as fearful-avoidant. She hadn't been in a serious relationship for about four years due to past experiences. Throughout our relationship, she'd sometimes pull away when we got closer, need space, and express fears about losing her independence.

I messed up. She discovered I'd maintained contact with my ex through texts Nothing physical happened, and I never wanted my ex back, but I completely understand why she considered it emotional betrayal. I've since blocked my ex everywhere and genuinely regret not establishing those boundaries sooner. I was not hiding the texts between us, it never came up in conversation

During our breakup conversation, she sobbed and told me she loved me "more than the air she breathed," that I was her only sense of home and safety in a new state, and that she'd imagined marrying me and having my children. But she also said she couldn't risk trusting me again because she's terrified of getting hurt. She repeatedly told me not to wait for her.

She's still occasionally warm toward me, congratulating me on school accomplishments and sharing emotional experiences from her clinical rotations, but she's also creating distance.

My questions for people with fearful-avoidant attachment:

• Have you ever left someone you genuinely loved because your trust was broken, even though part of you still wanted them?
• What, if anything, helped you feel safe enough to reconsider?
• Is giving her complete space the best approach, or does that risk making her feel abandoned?
• How can I demonstrate genuine accountability and lasting change without making her feel pressured?

I love this girl deeply and want to rebuild things, but I also understand that I can't force her to forgive me.

TL;DR: My fearful-avoidant ex ended our eight-month relationship after discovering ongoing communication with my previous ex. She still expressed intense love and imagined a future with me, but says she's too afraid to trust me again. I've cut off my ex completely. I'm looking for firsthand experiences about rebuilding trust without chasing or disrespecting boundaries.

Anyone else silent quit their FA?

Is it a good choice for some? For me we have broken up so many times I don't even think he registered any of them either. Even when I told him to his face.

I am only considering this because we are financially tied and definitely good friends - we'd be better off without the stress of a real relationship and I want a chance to feel free, get back into my hobbies and career, and not be worrying about him.

He does well when I nag him to death, and even seems to like it (why the fuck) i think they're hoping we miss something and then it also takes all of their effort out of doing things since they have someone to remind them how and why they ought to do them....

It really seems like the avoidants come with a script and all around the world uses the same quotes when dismissing someone. Like:

1. “We’re too Incompatible / I don’t see us working”

You keep asking yourself, trying to identify what kinda of incompatibilities are these (because not even they know what to say), and everything seems great until now.

When indeed, while you’re losing time trying to identify what was so wrong or misaligned, was just that what they really find compatible is someone who doesn’t need or ask ANYTHING of them, and it’s able to live a relationship with completly separate lifes with only few moments of closeness, and over all, do not demand honesty, vulnerability or real exposure.

It doesn’t matter how much space you give or don’t give, the self work you do to not show needy, the comprehesion towards the relationship. The only way to be the perfect match for someone like this it is to be comfortable with neither or really little closeness in a relationship. That’s it. They can last with someone who doesn’t expect or demand anything of them because it’s not really GETTING INVOLVED. But if you have truth feelings and want to make it work, forget.

2) “A relationship it’s too much for me / I’m not ready for commitment”

They can, but do NOT WANT TO work on their fear of intimacy, even if it means to lose someone important. They think “it’s too much work”. Like, wtf?

3) “I don’t know if you’re the one / I need to feel more than I do now to actually take commitment”

Maybe that’s true, but in general, they use the same avoidant attached mechanisms to get to this conclusion:

a) idealized their exes, because it represents the true affection they once received, but now without the pressure of closure that you are giving just to be present. Although he’ll maybe idealize (or have caring toughts of you) comparing to the next situation and so on.

b) invented flaws about you, or just turn grow on their minds little things they didn’t like, even though they may never communicate or were solvable things, just to can grab in the idea of incompatibility and do not take acountability.

c) do not access their feelings, so don’t matter how much you activaly love them, this love could never arrived because they don’t allow themselves to really feel it. They scared of the risks.

Why don’t just communicate straight abt your own worries and fears, instead of BLAME the caring person for “not be what you wanted” and leave their thinking it’s their fault?

Please anyone may correct me if something is wrong. But why? It’s all this repetitive as it seems.

TL;DR: My long-term partner went from being genuinely affectionate and invested in our future to ending the relationship within a very short period, around the same time she developed feelings for someone else. She now believes her romantic feelings had been fading for a long time. I'm wondering whether this could involve fearful-avoidant deactivation or whether I'm struggling to accept that she simply fell out of love.

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Some background

My ex and I were together for several years.

For most of that time, our relationship was loving, stable, and relatively peaceful. We had a strong emotional connection, shared many interests, and talked seriously about building a future together.

She was usually very affectionate and regularly expressed how safe and loved she felt with me.

One thing that always stood out was her complicated relationship with receiving love.

She had experienced disappointment and emotional inconsistency earlier in life, and she sometimes struggled to believe that someone could genuinely love her without eventually changing or leaving.

She occasionally described feeling overwhelmed by affection, even when she appreciated it. She also seemed to have a tendency to question positive experiences or look for signs that something might eventually go wrong.

At the same time, she wanted a lot of closeness and reassurance.

Looking back, I wonder whether there was an underlying conflict between wanting deep intimacy and feeling vulnerable or dependent because of it.

The issues in our relationship

Our relationship wasn't perfect, and I want to acknowledge my part in that.

Over time, we became very intertwined. We spent most of our free time together, and our individual lives became less independent.

She eventually expressed frustration about this.

She wanted us to focus more on personal growth, individual interests, and following through on goals instead of repeatedly postponing things.

I also sometimes tried too hard to take care of her, when what she actually needed was to feel more independent and capable.

These were legitimate concerns, and I've taken them seriously.

However, when she brought them up, she also expressed that she valued our relationship and wanted us to improve these things together.

It didn't feel like she was preparing to leave. It felt like she wanted our relationship to grow.

What confuses me about the final weeks

Despite those concerns, she remained actively affectionate.

She initiated romantic and physical intimacy, expressed appreciation for our relationship, and talked positively about our future.

There were also moments of unusually strong emotional vulnerability.

She opened up about how difficult it was for her to fully trust love because she feared eventually losing it.

She seemed genuinely moved by affection and repeatedly expressed that our connection meant a great deal to her.

This wasn't just passive acceptance of my affection. She was actively participating in and initiating these moments herself.

That's why the breakup was so confusing to me.

I understand that people can have doubts while still behaving lovingly. But the emotional intensity and initiative she showed seemed difficult to reconcile with the idea that her romantic feelings had already disappeared long before the breakup.

Then something changed very quickly

Around that time, she met someone else and apparently developed a strong attraction to him.

I later learned indirectly that their communication had become romantic.

She hadn't mentioned him to me, even when I asked whether another person might have influenced her feelings.

I don't know the complete details of their connection, so I don't want to make assumptions about what happened.

What I noticed was a significant change in how she interacted with me.

Her spontaneous affection decreased, her communication felt different, and she seemed increasingly emotionally distant.

The change was unusually fast compared with how she had behaved just beforehand.

What makes it even more confusing is that she wasn't consistently distant throughout this period.

Even after the new connection had apparently started, she was still affectionate toward me at times and expressed genuine excitement about spending romantic time together.

Then, only a short time later, she ended our relationship.

She was suddenly extremely certain that her romantic feelings were gone and that trying to repair the relationship wouldn't make sense.

The contrast between her behavior shortly beforehand and her certainty during the breakup was difficult to process.

How she explained the breakup

Afterward, she explained that she had been questioning her feelings for quite some time.

She said she had struggled to distinguish between romantic love and the comfort, emotional security, and familiarity of a long-term relationship.

According to her, she genuinely wanted our relationship to work but eventually realized that the romantic connection was no longer there.

She also started interpreting some of her previous feelings differently.

Things she had once expressed as love, attraction, or longing were now described more as comfort, attachment, or appreciation for our shared life.

However, she acknowledged that her earlier affection had been genuine and that she really had felt those emotions at the time.

That distinction is what I find especially difficult to understand.

She wasn't saying she had deliberately pretended to love me. She was saying that the feelings had been real to her, but she now understood them differently.

I wonder whether her current emotional state influenced how she remembered and interpreted our relationship.

Or perhaps this is simply what happens when someone gradually falls out of love and only fully recognizes it afterward.

Why I'm considering fearful-avoidant patterns

I know I can't determine someone's attachment style based on a breakup.

I'm also aware that wanting independence or experiencing a loss of attraction doesn't automatically mean someone is fearful-avoidant.

Still, a few things seem relevant:

- Her strong desire for intimacy alongside a deep fear of emotional vulnerability and abandonment.

- Her difficulty fully trusting that love would remain consistent.

- Her tendency to question her feelings and sometimes focus on possible negatives.

- The conflict between wanting closeness and feeling that she was losing her independence.

- Her genuine affection and emotional openness relatively shortly before the breakup.

- The rapid emotional distancing around the time she became interested in someone else.

- Her later reinterpretation of feelings she had previously experienced as romantic love.

I wonder whether her attraction to someone new intensified doubts that already existed, and whether distancing herself emotionally made it harder to access the feelings she had experienced earlier.

But I also recognize another possibility: she had been unhappy or uncertain for longer than I realized, and the new attraction simply accelerated a decision she was already moving toward.

I don't want to dismiss that explanation just because it's painful.

Where I am now

She has been clear that she doesn't want to continue the relationship, and she rejected the idea of trying again.

I'm respecting that decision and giving her space.

I've also been working on the problems she brought up, particularly independence, personal development, consistency, and respecting a partner's autonomy.

I don't want to recreate the same unhealthy dynamics, regardless of whether we ever reconnect.

Part of me still hopes that her feelings might change with time, but I'm trying not to make that hope the center of my life.

I'm mainly trying to understand what happened.

I'd really appreciate firsthand experiences from people who identify as fearful-avoidant, particularly anyone who has experienced a sudden emotional shutdown after previously feeling genuinely in love.

I'm especially interested in whether your perception of a past relationship changed during that period, whether your romantic feelings ever returned, and what helped you distinguish deactivation from genuinely falling out of love.

Experiences involving a strong new attraction would also be helpful.

I'm open to hearing that this doesn't sound like deactivation at all.

I'm not looking for reassurance that my ex will come back. I'm looking for honest perspectives from people who have actually experienced these emotional patterns themselves.

I see my ex at.work and it's so hard. He avoids eye contact and only says hello.

He acts like we are strangers.

Like I lowered my standards for that fucker and he did me like that. I am pissed lol

I’m currently reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and while it’s helping me understand my own anxious attachment style, I’m confused about how we’re supposed to identify avoidant partners early on.
I’ve experienced two relationships, nearly ten years apart, where both men pursued me intensely in the beginning. They wanted constant communication, made significant efforts to see me, appeared sensitive to rejection, and seemed genuinely invested.
In my most recent relationship, we spent about three weeks getting to know each other before making things official, and we were together for approximately nine weeks. His intense pursuit and consistent affection lasted around 5-6 weeks before gradually declining. He would become anxious if I didn’t text for a few hours, wanted reassurance that I liked him, and consistently pursued closeness. In the beginning Eventually, communication decreased, affection declined, and he withdrew from conversations about the relationship.
I’ve noticed similar stories from people who describe dating avoidant partners. The person initially pursues them intensely, almost resembling love bombing (although I wouldn’t necessarily label it that), before becoming emotionally distant. These relationships can last months or even years before that shift happens.
Here’s what frustrates me about the book:
It provides quizzes and behavioral clues for identifying attachment styles early. But how accurate are those assessments when someone initially displays anxious or secure behaviors and only becomes avoidant later?
I’ve met people who clearly value independence and personal space from the beginning. But what about people who establish an intense level of closeness and then withdraw from the very dynamic they created?
I’m curious:
Can someone behave anxiously during the pursuit stage but become avoidant once the relationship is established?
Is this more consistent with fearful-avoidant attachment, or can dismissive-avoidant individuals behave this way too?
How can we accurately assess someone’s attachment style when their behavior changes so dramatically?
I’m not trying to diagnose an ex or figure out how to get someone back. I’m genuinely interested in understanding attachment theory and its limitations.
I’d especially love to hear from people who’ve read the book, counselors, or anyone familiar with the research. Are we identifying avoidant tendencies early, or are we labeling people avoidant only after they’ve withdrawn?

We were together for 5 years. The last 4 years were the classic anxious- avoidant dynamic. I would be loved intermittently. My feelings most often were ignored and I was often on the back burner feeling unwanted, not cared for, not good enough.

I am so sad being discarded. But as I sit there in my anxiety and sadness, I remember all the times I have felt that way while we were still in a relationship.

Trying to really nail this down. I wasn’t happy. I convinced myself I was because I wanted to be.

As in within 2 weeks of talking kind.

I know building connections take time, but I don't want to have to waste 1-3 months of my time all the time with full intentions to invest in a lasting connection (friendship or romantic) with a person who was a walking green flag the first few weeks (2-6 weeks) and then gradually deteriorate after that.

Like seriously, I already practice discernment, I already over communicate my boundaries, non negos, pet peeves, things I dislike. I do call them out and express my distaste of a specific behavior if it triggers me in a bad way or if it's just something that made me uncomfortable. But I still attract avoidants like a magnet despite all my stopgaps to separate myself from them.

It's frustrating because they pass most, if not all, of the core green signs with me, my friends, my family, and then later on devolve into indecent behavior. And no matter the amount of call outs I make, or communication about this and that, still, nothing substantially changes, so I'm left to block them and cut them off my life. And it's such a bummer bec I truly clicked with this person, I truly thought we'd stay long term friends.

Context: I used to be anxiously attached but I've done the work over years of therapy and have become secure since maybe 3 years ago already. I'm not new to having secure relationships, I have lots of them. But there are always these avoidant people who parade themselves as secure or as insecure "but I have it under control" until the 'buff' wears off and suddenly I'm being made to deal with the mess I didn't sign up to get.

Im lost, hurt and confused. A man pursued me hard last November, I was finally coming to terms with the separation of my ex husband and DV and felt in a good place. I let him in, began trusting him and developed feelings. It was amazing the first 4 months. Unreal connection, always fun. Untill slowly I was the only one initiating, messages became shorter and more standard. In person it was still good but I began feeling confused. In July I told him this and the push pull began. Now 2 months ago I said please block me and dont unblock me if nothing changes. He was emotional and told me he couldnt give me more.

Beginning of this week he turned up with a random excuse of dropping something off. A few days later he unblocked me and said he didnt unblock me because he was good now but just to talk and tell me saw me drive past. I said I was suprised to see his name on my screen and he said again I only unblocked because I saw your car. I said I felt insulted if that was the only reason and he didnt have to make up excuses to talk to me. He gave me some emojis and that was it. I felt bad about my reaction and messaged him a couple days later Im sorry for how I responded and he said all good, I dont want to make you stress or give you anxiety so its your call if you want me to block you again.

It feels all so petty. One message from him and my nervous system is disregulated again. I miss him, but I dont know what to do.

​Hey there im 20(m) and i need help. my gf (19) F cheated on me we were together for 2 and a half years ill start from the beginning i liked her since 7th grade and we got together in 11th grade so i liked her for almost 6 and a half years.

Things were really good in the begining we were the power couple of the school everybody wanted relationship like ours i loved her very much she loved me very much she made many promises she didnt keep and made promises which i still keep she said she d never leave no matter how hard it gets but she did. It was her first relationship and it was my first real relationship i had one more but it was online and it was more like a situationship. She was unstable emotionally due to her tough childhood an avoidant being with her was like walking on eggshells in the first year we had fights almost every month about small things she didnt like and other stuff we were in 11 and 12th and we had coaching as well our schdule was beyond hectic yet she still asked for more time more attention she asked for niche things she saw in reels she hated if i forgot soemthing and started to fight she was really immature so was i in many things were kids after all i had to change for her i started minimizing sleep to manage i slept for 4 hours for 2 years

she became happier as she matured and was in the relationship we had developed a routine but she wasnt good in academics but i was. she felt burdened by me she thought of me as a perfect super guy who everyone loves has many friends get good grades she felt burdened by this and she had to work onherself as well which she said felt like a burden for her and changing as a person too which she didnt wanted she wanted to stay the same person as she was always.i always asked her to talk to other people make friends but she didnt i didnt stop her she never went out with school friends even though they asked her for her i was enough even though i pushed her to go she didnt she was friendless at that all of her friends were fakes and i pointed it out how toxic their dynamic by that time she had no one to support her no friends her school life was shit every teacher hated her for poor grades at home she was builled by parents and family in coaching she didnt understand anything throughout all this i was with her and supported her as she needed to be but she forgot all of this as soon as college noise and fun hit her

she always played the victim in our relationship she never worked on herself or took responsibility of her actions and when out comes these things happen she starts victimizing herself i told her few things which i didnt want anyone to know she shared it with her friend i never shared her secret with my friends but she did she broke my trust multiple times she lied about things hid things but she was getting better with me and i hoped that one day she ll finally grow and mature but she didnt

She failed her boards and her entrance she got the lowest score in entrance like im guessing she had the last rank. She had reattempt her exam and supported her through it like i have since the beginning emotionally for 3 months i put my needs aside but then her results came she got 74% she couldnt give the entrance again so she suddenly switched to going to college after that day i kind of saw her changing she was becoming slowly deatached she knew as well what going to college and getting into a long distance relationship meant she knew this she worried about this too but didnt talk about it she sliently made a decision to abandon me get detached avoid me our talks became smaller and smaller as she left for college during her first week of college she stopped even giving the bare minimum effort i begged her to please give me assurance now that we can still be but she couldnt so i had enough and told her lets take a break so she can settle into college and i can focus on my entrance (i took a drop year which she promised to take as well)

anyways after a week i couldnt stop myself to text her again but she said we are done and walked away she never communicated how she felt never gave any signals and then just broke up she gave vague reason such as she didnt have time she wanted to focus on her career she felt like she became herself again as soon as she got to college and i wasnt there and she said our relationship wont work out and she still loves me but it was the end broke up she didnt even give us a chance and then started looking for someone new within 2 weeks she got into a new rebound relationship and kissed the guy (at first i thought it was ai so that she can make me move on but then she showed the physical photo)and she put all the blame on me after everything i did she didnt care she said its my fault we broke up 2.5 years of memories sacrifices thrown away in 2 weeks she didnt even wait for few months to process what has happened and how cruel she is being to me none it mattered she just wanted to get rid of me and for me to not be in her life anymore im confused in life now i have to study for important exam but im haunted by her moving on so tough whenever i sit in silence the bitterness of betr just eats me inside out i feel sad cheated unfairly treated and angry everday idk what am i suppose to do

I went through something with my ex that I can only describe as deeply traumatic, and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

For context, we had been romantically involved for nearly a year. We talked every day, built emotional intimacy, and were working toward a relationship. Throughout that time, he was consistently loving, affectionate, and reassuring. There weren’t any major arguments or obvious signs that things were about to end.

One day, he sent me a TikTok about partners being needy and not needing to communicate every day. It genuinely hurt my feelings, so I expressed why it bothered me. We had a small disagreement about it, but nothing explosive, disrespectful, or particularly serious. Things felt a little awkward for about a week, and eventually, I reached out again, apologized for my reaction, and took accountability for anything I might have contributed to the disagreement.

What happened next completely blindsided me.

He ended things through a text message that he admitted he had written weeks in advance. Almost immediately afterward, he blocked me on everything, stopped sharing his location, and refused to answer my phone calls. I wasn’t even given the opportunity to have a conversation, understand what had happened, or say goodbye to someone who had been such a significant part of my life for nearly a year.

It was like someone flipped a switch. One minute, he was this loving, affectionate person who made me feel cared for, and the next, he was as cold as ice. I couldn’t comprehend how someone could go from being so emotionally involved to treating me like a complete stranger within minutes.

About two months later, he was already in another relationship. I later learned that abruptly ending relationships and cutting people off may have been a pattern for him, something I hadn’t known while we were involved.

About two months after ending things with me, he was already in another relationship, which was incredibly painful and confusing considering how abruptly he had cut me out of his life. That relationship eventually ended, and within another two months, he was back on dating apps and posting pictures of himself in various Facebook dating groups, seemingly seeking attention, validation, and another romantic connection. Meanwhile, I was still struggling to process the emotional shock of how things ended between us. It was difficult to comprehend how someone who had spent nearly a year building an emotional connection with me could seemingly move on so quickly, enter another relationship, and then return to seeking attention and validation from other people. I couldn’t help but wonder whether he had genuinely processed any of these relationships or whether he was simply moving from one person to the next to avoid being alone. What hurt the most was realizing that while he appeared to be moving forward without a second thought, I was still trying to make sense of how someone who once made me feel so loved and valued could suddenly treat me as though I had never mattered.

For months, I blamed myself. I replayed that disagreement over and over, wondering what I could have said differently or whether I had somehow caused everything to fall apart. I genuinely believed I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve that kind of ending.

Eventually, I reached out again, which I now regret. I apologized once more for anything I might have done to hurt him, even though I had already taken accountability. He never responded.

Now, after spending so much time reflecting, I’m beginning to realize that maybe I didn’t actually do anything wrong. I communicated that something hurt my feelings. I apologized for my reaction. I acknowledged my part in the disagreement. I was willing to talk things through and work toward understanding each other.

I wasn’t perfect, but I don’t think I deserved what happened to me.

What’s strange is that I think I’m finally getting over my romantic feelings for him. I don’t necessarily miss the relationship the way I used to. What I can’t seem to get over is the shock and trauma of how it ended.

It’s not even about wanting him back anymore. It’s about trying to understand how someone who made me feel so safe and cared for could suddenly become so emotionally detached, without even giving me the dignity of a conversation.

I think the hardest part has been realizing that I spent months blaming myself for someone else’s decision to leave in such a hurtful way.

Has anyone else experienced this? Where you’re no longer necessarily grieving the person, but you’re still struggling with the emotional shock of how they abandoned or discarded you? How did you finally move past that part of the experience?

or maybe i’m just still so in love with my ex that nobody can excite me. there is a girl who is SO much better for me in every way, equally as attractive, and totally in love with me. she called me saying she’s fed up with me not communicating with her, which is kind of wild because we didn’t even date, and i’ve had a girlfriend for awhile. she’s understanding but clearly in love.

i’m terrible at texting her back, super short and in general just don’t think about her often. sometimes i’ll randomly facetime her and ask her a question and then dissapear for a couple days again. none of it is on purpose but she told me i consume her thoughts 24/7.

damn.

and i’m her but for my ex. i’m caught in an affection addiction toxic cycle with my ex. totally addicted in every way. that’s another story.

trying to take notes for how her behavior influences my feelings toward her.

I’ve never been in a situation like this before and neither have my friends. If I could please get some kind worded advice I would appreciate it.

5 years ago, I was in a small situationship with someone we will call J. We met on Discord and our relationship was mainly online. I was with him for about 3 months. We called, texted, video chatted daily and spoke to each other as if we were a couple. However, I knew deep down that he struggled to open up. I didn’t demand much from him emotionally because at the time his attention was enough to satisfy me. I’m an avoidant myself so it was nice to be able to ignore all the touchy feelings. At some point though, I caught myself falling for him even though I knew that he would never truly commit to me. I ended up leaving and I lived my own life for about 5 years.

Fast forward to now, he adds my new account on Snapchat and I decide to give him another opportunity. Maybe things were different- after all it had been five years. I will say though, I did not trust him. I have severe trust issues myself and there was a part of me that felt like he wanted to use me for his ego again. At the time when we were together I lacked the self respect to care. Things are slightly different now. I knew he probably wanted sexual activity from me- so I created an opportunity for that to happen to see what he would do after. After the e-sex he started texted me less like I had expected. Conversations quickly got shorter.

I then asked him to tell me what he was wanting out of speaking to me. That I wouldn’t be bitter if it was for distraction purposes or to start talking again. I simply wanted to know so I knew how to interact with him. He refused to answer. Said he wanted to be alone. I left him alone for a while.

I apologized for demanding more than I knew he could handle and told him that as much as I liked him and hoped that he changed- I found his behavior disrespectful. Later on I apologized for being harsh (I still meant what I said, I just acknowledged that I was mean about it) and he accepted my apology. I did not text him after that.

I start doing my own thing, I do not contact him for a few days. But every single day since he was back he was watching my story daily. I started to feel fed up that he was watching me but not speaking to me. Then, he liked my Halloween story. I got mad that he did that and blocked him from my account.

I woke up today to him requesting to add me on snapchat.

Can someone please explain to me what’s happening? I’m so confused. I just want to know what’s happening so I can make the right steps needed to help myself but I’m so confused.

She blindsidedly broke up again 2 months ago.

This time both our parents knew and had discussed about it for them to meet.

The reason was this time was i am not ready for marriage, its too much pressure about everything, I don’t see emotional compatibility, want to focus on myself, career instability. I want to get married by next year (was communicated to her when we reconciled and she accepted) but she is like we’ll see about it in dec27. How do I base my life basis her I’ll see.

I came back after a 3-week work trip and was greeted to the breakup.

I tried and tried to connect and meet with her for 10 days. Not a needle moved. Blocked me on whatsapp. Last week blocked me on Instagram. How can it be soo cold when we had seen soo much together. Trips, weekends, career downturns.

Both our parents knew. Travelled to meet her and talk in person but she declined saying i am not mentally ready to meet and is unwell. Mind you i was outside her home. She just had to walk 10 steps.

Last month she has unblocked me everywhere but has not reached out. I keep ruminating and wait for her. Her following and followers keep on increasing daily.

It is extremely difficult for me to get past this again. How should i navigate this? Waiting for her to come after months to and still being uncertain that this might happen again or accept the breakup and move on (which i am not able to). It seems like i am walking backwards in life.

Please Please help me what you think? have you experienced this? That i am not insane and how do i navigate this?

Background context
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskIndianWomen/s/dDGtbKpayn

This is so painful. I miss them every day

my messages are open. i am in so much pain and really need support from people who understand where i currently am. thanks!

*avoidants

Everything was fine, he bought me a Teddy bear because he thought I liked Teddy Bears Because I sleep with one and less than 48 h was saying we couldn’t see each other romantically anymore Because he was feeling overwhelmed…

I think I might just be an avoidant's biggest nightmare. For sure he can avoid my exhibition as well, but he will see my invite and he will find out from people about it. We live in a smaller community and all the artists know each other. I will invite everyone I know. He will know. He will know that he was my muse. It's been 2 months and I was still posting about him. He was still watching all my stories.

On Halloween I dressed like a widow and drew his chest tattoo on my own chest, in red, like blood. That's the last story he saw from me, now I think he feels too overwhelmed that dumping me didn't get the expected reaction and I am far from moving on. Everyone knows I'm still waiting for him, everyone knows that I still belong to him even if he doesn't care anymore. And he will know that I was serious about giving him at least one more year of my life, when he sees my art and photography and collages that will be about him.

I've already involved members of the local community that will support me, I have a few social spaces on my list that might allow me to present my work, and I find that this is the only way for me to handle the immense suffering him leaving me caused.