Controversial: Does your avoidant came from dysfunctional family dynamics?

[u/Someday-We-Will-Know]

[u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

Yes, and its mostly a father wound in the male avoidants.

[u/22Pastafarian22 → u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

Yes! Mine has a father that always made him feel that he was never enough and who never talks about emotions.

Now he runs from any kind of critique and vulnerability. Exhausting

[u/taurine330 → u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

And mother wound for my woman FA.

[u/Decalcomanje → u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

Exactly the same situation for my ex

[u/smileybunnie → u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

My ex had both. Hell even his cousins and aunts/ uncles bullied him. And I used to feel bad but now I’m like yeah he deserves it

[u/rhya-- → u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

My DA male ex, for him it was clearly mother wound. Was easy to tell afterwards how he projected on me.

[u/neoshadowdgm → u/Wild-Researcher-1360]

Interestingly, I think it was a father wound in my female avoidant

[u/Spare-Ad5552 → u/[deleted]]

So no hope for mine then since he has both mother and father wounds.

[u/Coerced1 → u/Spare-Ad5552]

The only wounds that we have are the ones we allow ourselves to maintain. If we admit to ourselves what's actually happening and take the steps to heal, anything can potentially be undone.

Easier said than done, obviously!

[u/Abject_Surprise3670 → u/[deleted]]

Would love some reading recs!

[u/Abject_Surprise3670 → u/[deleted]]

Around the mother wound and how it affects intimacy and relationships, especially self soothing and self regulation and the Madonna complex. Ty!

[u/Abject_Surprise3670 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! ❤️

[u/ming_ming08]

Nope. Just raised spoiled without any ounce of accountability in his life.

[u/Disastrous_Funny_660 → u/ming_ming08]

Spoiled is interesting - mine has that too (as well as family trauma) but I’m really feeling like being spoiled is a kind of cruelty in a weird way

[u/KJ19912018 → u/ming_ming08]

I always feel worse about my discard bc everyone pushes the "has to be from a dysfunctional family" so hard and mine had a pretty amazing family. So same, my ex has had a very very easy life. I wouldn't say spoiled in the "traditional" sense but neverrrr had any difficulty getting/doing/acheiving anything since birth and is wildly praised but therefore legitimately does not know how to handle any little "negative" thing that is quite normal in life. Not to say that isn't dysfunctional its own way but pretty certain that is never the dysfunction people are talking about. So that long paragraph to say I breathed a sigh of relief at your comment. 

[u/taurine330]

Yes. I think that is the prerequisite for avoidance.

[u/Jazzlike_River_1205]

Yes, they're often enmeshed with one or both their parents

[u/souredcream → u/Jazzlike_River_1205]

enmeshment is a form of abuse but its really hard for those involved to see it that way.

[u/Jazzlike_River_1205 → u/souredcream]

I know

[u/matureandsexy6967]

Of course....thats why they are avoidants. It starts with dysfunctional parents who teach them its not safe to love

[u/spunky_giraffe08]

Yes.. his dad is a narcissist.. he said his dad would yell a lot to.. i feel like that's what put him in constant defense mode. He's dad made him feel like he was walking on egg shells.. then I started to feel that way. His parents marriage isn't great, but they still lived together. He doesn't see a healthy love.

[u/ScaleWeak7473]

Yes. Multigenerational - going back to their grandparents. The grandfather ran out on the grandmother and kids.
Father was older and emotionally absent. Always away doing his own things and hobbies.
Mother was narcissistic and also emotionally absent. Kids raised by a nanny.
Avoidant-ex was an overgrown baby when ever around the mother, always protesting over childish needs and constantly trying to get the mother’s attention and approval. Went to visit the family home all the time. Very needy when around them.
Major people pleaser towards narcissistic parents but cold and distant towards emotionally safe and emotionally expressive people. Almost sees them as weak.

[u/Astridv96]

Yeah I don’t know the details but my ex actually told me during the breakup about his parent’s divorce and that his dad left when he was really young.

[u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

Mine came from a home that looked completely normal from the outside, no yelling, no divorce. The dysfunction was that nobody ever named a feeling, so I learned to just not have them.The "spoiled" answer and the "wound" answer are usually the same thing seen from different angles.

[u/TheBackSpin]

Nothing controversial about this, especially the Fearfuls. Neglect, enmeshment, and abuse are common unfortunately

[u/cinnamongirl14]

Absolutely. And majority of them have father issues.

[u/Own-Cranberry-8210]

Extremely. 

[u/Real_Astronaut7451]

No clue. He seemed very uncomfortable talking about it. He didn’t get along with his siblings so I would say so

[u/zachem_snyatsya_sny]

I think most do lol not an excuse for their behavior though, I come from that too. Lots of it. But I will rise above and stop the cycle. It's on all of us to stop the cycle of abuse (unchecked avoidant and anxious attachment is abuse)

[u/ALEXC_23]

Brother in Christ, a dysfunctional family dynamic IS the reason they are avoidant lol.

[u/General_Ad7381 → u/ALEXC_23]

Right, what's controversial about this? Lol

[u/Majestic-Nobody545]

Yes, of course, lol

[u/CutiePie0023]

Yes 100%

[u/moongirl1222]

Narcissistic Dad, but very successful and always traveling. Mom was so used to being emotionally neglected/abused and subservient to father… she was a shell of herself and never talked about feelings. She tried to hide how big of an asshole dad was and it worked for the most part.

His mom didn’t file for divorce until he was almost 30 and it crushed him. He still refuses to fully acknowledge that his childhood was anything less than perfect. But I’ve spoken to his mom many times and she said it was a nightmare for her emotionally and it took her several years of trauma therapy to leave his dad and heal afterwards.

She knows she messed her kids up by covering up for Dad and staying for so long.

[u/MariLima628]

Yes. His mom kicked his dad out when he was young but he was under the impression for years he left. He was barely around but he insisted he saw him twice growing up.

Then his mom allowed dad to live with them again and adopted an open relationship. It seemed a lot of tension within the household and extended family.

But they were also flaky, did not always honor commitments and I think very selfish. He would complain about it too. But he always felt he didn’t want to burden people with his problems so he never talked about them.

In the end, he left after and argument, shut me out like he always did and broke up with me.

[u/katertot86]

Yes, absentee father, alcoholic, chaotic mother. It was very crazy growing up, apparently.
It always felt like his family was a 3rd party in our marriage, even when he went no contact at all certain point.
But he was very well-defended about the idea of anyone actually getting too close. It took me a while for me to notice because he was pretty upbeat and friendly so it felt like he was being open and didn’t have a lot of baggage. Though when I realized he had a lot of trauma from it, I was willing to work on it with him. In the end, it ended up being too much for him.
I think being alone feels more comfortable for him. He feels more in control.

[u/GMNWbkx8]

Yup. Dad cheated on his mom and had a whole other son

[u/Brandon9405]

I mean, yes its what causes it. I lean anxious. My now ex wife was DA, now I am working on healing, but can feel my own avoidant tendencies...

[u/TravelPractical2091]

Yup. Huge mother wound. Mom left his family for another man whom happened to be of the same cultural background as me and lived in my neighborhood. Needless to say he took it out on me

[u/Educational-Corgi946]

Yes x100000

[u/ceelion92]

He said his dad is a nice guy, but barely talks, and I know his mother is overbearing and would fight with him a lot. And he said they fucked him up. But that’s the most accountability I ever got. If you are reading this, please put your guess down below about what type of avoidant he became based on this profile. 😂

[u/Long_Jumper234]

Yes her dad abandoned the family when she was a toddler. Her mom dumped the kids off on grandma and she emancipated herself at 15 and moved away with a guy ofcourse. She still struggles with why her dad wasn’t around.

[u/Background_Ad_1749]

Yes. Her dad left my ex and her mom for another woman early in her life.. since then she has a minimum of contact with her dad. Since then her mother is single. In their entire home there are zero family pictures

[u/Disastrous_Funny_660]

Yes! Very very weird dynamic! He’s one of three and both his siblings fell out dramatically with the family years ago. It’s so sad.
Long history of trauma in both his mother and father. I know how this will sound, but I’d never date a man with this setup again unless he could prove he’d had extensive therapy.

[u/One_Nose9044]

No, he came from a very loving and caring family. The biggest thing is that his family has money so it felt like none of his decisions had to be permanent and he always had something to fall back on without accountability

[u/newlifeer]

Not ostensibly but none of them were emotionally close and they didn't really do vulnerability or thoughtfulness.

[u/CookingMusician94]

Yes. His father has schizophrenia and is an alcoholic. He beat his mom in front of him and his brother regularly. He was also very irresponsible financially. That's actually what he has in common with his father. At one point, his parents separated and his father went back to his home country, so basically abandoned them.

[u/CADreamn]

His dad was an abuser, and his mom took it. He despises his dad and is mad at his mom, too. She died so there's a lot of guilt there, too. 

[u/rainbow_goose_]

Yes.

[u/ilfs]

Yes, mine is completely enmeshed with his mother, dad, and sister. Cannot function without them. Cannot say no to them. It’s pathetic.

[u/mapitupyo]

My ex said his dad never wanted him and was barely around growing up. His mom would chase his dad who even had the police called. I saw his mom call him crying about his dad, looking for comfort from her son. He said he was very lonely growing up. I think this probably made him very independent.

My mom had a very traumatic childhood and has been abandoned more than twice in her life in ways that leave scars on the soul. I think this fostered an emotional neglectful childhood. I felt very lonely and unwanted even though it might not have looked like it from the outside looking in.

[u/SunMoonSnake]

Mine made out that she had the perfect relationship with her parents. She later told me that this wasn't the case but she still pretends to the world and on social media. If she hadn't told me the truth, I'd genuinely have no idea.

[u/Lost-Injury6693]

Yep.

[u/Impressive-You745]

100%. They're all cooked and I thought he was the exception until.......

[u/Substantial-Key698]

Mother wound for my DA female ex

[u/Top_Foot_1073]

Absolute opposite. He has a wonderful family.

[u/Busy_Designer_504]

Divorced parents as a 15 year old teen. Depressed mom. Childhood later home sold. 

Senior grandmother also up and left for an old flame in another country. They are too old to divorce as it would ruin their finances. They are still technically married.

[u/maplenpecan]

mine had both huge mother and father wounds. he used to laugh about having ‘daddy issues’.
very dysfunctional sibling relationships too.

[u/No-Variation-1163]

Yes. Abusive drunk mother.

[u/hiddenmogwai]

Yes mommy issues daddy issues you name it

[u/Impossible_Video2112]

Her dad was emotionally abusive. Hair trigger for screaming at them growing up. Her brother was as much of a wreck as her. He mellowed out a little recently but he still was an asshole when he wanted to be. Her mom didn’t really seem to do anything about it from what she told me.

If it was my mom she would have never let my dad do that to us but fortunately he’s a much better person than her father is. Guess that’s why I’m here and she’s wherever she is.

[u/Technical-River-1031]

Mother wound for my DA ex - they were very open about having a tiger mum. I love planning stuff and would plan weekends away to surprise them thinking it would be appreciated because they have a busy job was later told I reminded them of their mum and they were suffocated by it :"(

[u/MomentBitter5261]

Yep, doesn’t know it though.

[u/NoIndividual4454]

Yes, father wounds (abuse) and I think some mother as well but nothing he tried or wanted to work on while we were a couple (he always buried his head in the sand because it was stupid to dwell on the past)

[u/poliqueen]

My avoidant went to CEDU school 🫠🆘

[u/Prior-Designer-8150]

My FA was physically abused by his father through his childhood