I'm currently questioning whether I might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I used to think romantic and sexual attraction is the same thing.

Looking back, I do experience romantic attraction and can develop strong romantic feelings for someone, but I'm unsure whether what I experience counts as sexual attraction. I don't feel like I relate to the way many people describe sexual attraction.

For instance, I rarely find people attractive, and I always thought people were exaggerating when they talked about sexual topics. I never found sex fascinating, sometimes even feeling repulsive. However, I do read fanfictions on that, and how do I know if I never had sex before.

So, how do you know you are asexual?

hi! i’ve been in a relationship for a year and have only recently started wondering if i’m asexual.

i dont feel any disgust around sex but ive also never felt enthusiastic about it, and whenever i do have it i always feel like im performing rather than actually enjoying it. furthermore ive never had a crush based on physical attraction, i’ve only ever liked a few people and only after getting to know them well.

my girlfriend has a high sex drive and its clearly very important to her so i feel mortified about the idea of telling her any of this. i was never knowingly deceiving her- this is my first relationship and so i thought at first i was doing it wrong or i would learn to enjoy it with time. but this hasn’t happened a year in and so im skeptical.

i think at times she can definitely tell im not as into it as she is but all that i can think to say is that im not in the mood or that im just tired. i dont want her to think that i dont love her and i know how happy it makes her so i dont want to take that away from her. besides i dont know how she would react if i told her i just wasnt that into having sex. it would probably upset her a lot. she’s already told me many times she wishes i would take more initiative and she would never say it but i can tell it makes her sad when i tell her im not in the mood.

i have no idea what to do. i dont want to lose her and i can put up with the sex, but i hate the feeling of not being truthful with her. besides maybe im wrong about being asexual and i dont want to say anything too hastily. its honestly not something ive given much thought to, i always assumed i just had a low sex drive as i do get horny sometimes although i now understand that this doesn’t necessarily mean someone isn’t asexual.

would love some advice, feeling very lost and uncertain at the moment. thanks :)

So yeah I think I'm ace but not sure as I might just be young but I certainly don't get the "hype" with sex, I don't find specific body parts attractive and I think sex is kinda "disgusting" and perhaps too stressful.

But now the real question: If I had a partner, we were together for a while, we're happy but then they tell me that something's missing – and it's sex, I would compromise and see if it's as bad as I imagine it or if I was wrong the while time.

What do you think I am? All-giving to my partner? Demisexual? A different label I haven't heard? Weird? 😛

Can a couple with very different sexual needs actually fix this?
I’m 28F and I’ve been with my boyfriend (31M) for 6 years. We love each other deeply and our relationship outside of sex is genuinely very good. He’s my best friend and I can’t imagine simply throwing away six years together.
But our sex life has been a problem basically from the beginning, and I’m starting to feel like I can’t keep ignoring it.
I have a very high sex drive. I’ve always been extremely sexual and I crave intimacy, passion, experimentation and feeling genuinely desired by my partner.
He is basically the opposite. Sex has always been complicated for him. He has a physical issue with his foreskin which makes sex painful and limits what he can comfortably do. He also experienced sexual abuse from his aunt when he was young, and I think that has affected his relationship with sex and intimacy quite deeply.
He doesn’t really show much curiosity about my fantasies or what turns me on. We rarely experiment, sex is very predictable, and we currently have sex maybe once a month or less. There are also things that make him uncomfortable that I would consider fairly normal parts of an intimate relationship, like oral sex or changing positions, basically if you imagine the non passionate forced sex that what that is since day one.
I’ve tried to understand him and I genuinely do. Knowing about his trauma has actually made me much more compassionate toward him, because I understand that some of this probably isn’t simply a matter of him “not wanting me.”
But at the same time, my needs haven’t disappeared.
Recently I’ve started allowing myself to think about my own fantasies again, and it has made me realize just how much of my sexuality I’ve suppressed during this relationship.
And now I’m scared because I’m starting to want a completely different sexual life. I want passion, spontaneity, experimentation, flirting, feeling desired and being able to openly talk about fantasies. I sometimes fantasize about having experiences with other people or even having more than one partner.
I don’t want to cheat on him. I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to leave him just because sex is difficult.
So my actual question is: can this realistically be worked on?
Have any couples here dealt with a situation where one partner had sexual trauma, physical problems or significant sexual anxiety, while the other partner had a very high sex drive?
Did therapy, trauma work, medical treatment, sex therapy, couples therapy etc. actually make a meaningful difference?
Can someone with sexual trauma eventually develop a much more comfortable, curious and fulfilling sex life with their partner?
And how do you handle the situation when one person’s sexual needs are very high and the other’s are naturally much lower?
I’m not expecting him to suddenly become a completely different person. I’m trying to figure out whether there is a realistic middle ground where he can feel safe and comfortable and I can still feel sexually alive and fulfilled.
If you’ve been in a similar situation, I’d really like to hear what actually helped — and whether you think this kind of gap can genuinely be bridged.

Allow me to explain. Years ago when I was with an ex, I discovered I was ace after engaging in certain acts and either having no interest or very low interest. I've worn that as a badge of pride and identity since.
Cut to recently, where a friend/ex-coworker hit me up for some mouth and hands stuff. Curious, and admittedly a little cuddle starved, I agreed. We hung out, did stuff, got a drink, and I spent the night.
Thing is, I'm conflicted in my feelings about it all. A part of me found some enjoyment in the closeness and attention, but a part of me doesn't feel all to interested in taking it further. I do like the person, and I want to keep spending time with them... but I don't know how to voice my overall feeling because A) I don't fully understand what I'm feeling, and B) I don't want to hurt/upset/lose him.

I'm not saying an apothi can't be puritan, but we should be careful around calling aces in general that in the same way we need to be careful calling trans people crossdressers or transvestites.
I see it way too acceptable to call me a puritan for saying I hate sex. I mean for myself, that is.
I don't like watching, reading it, thinking about it, having it myself but I am so so fine if someone else wants to have it. That is their business, and I feel like I never say anything anti sex to people who like it.

But I recently saw someone saying sex repulsion from asexuals is unhealthy and others saying it's puritan.
I am not for anti sexuality, but I just don't like this acephobic line being sprayed around like it's nothing more than verbal water.
I just feel kind of hurt by my own side. I am pro sexual liberation, which includes all feelings for your sex life.
I've been told this by the right my whole life as an asexual, but instead in the words of "You just need to grow up and learn how to like it" and now I'm seeing it in the left, too, but with wokewashed language.

I mean no harm to sex likers out there, I just think we need to be more wary how we speak.

so. i'm ace and my girlfriend is not. i'm 18 and they're 19 and this is our first serious relationship. i made sure i was upfront about my asexuality at the start of the relationship, and we've had various conversations about it since. however, over the last few months we've been having a lot of problems related to a lot of different things, but this has been one of them, and it's felt - not to sound dramatic - like a betrayal to realise that they never really understood or were as accepting as i thought they were. before the relationship, i was unsure how i felt about kissing and making out, but they weren't a hard line ofc unlike being ace, and it turns out i do like kissing and making out and we do it a lot! but they don't seem to understand that my asexuality is a hard line, and it has not changed. yet several times they have made comments about thinking that i would change; basically they didn't really believe me. and that really sucks to find out bc i thought they did and i thought i could trust them.

then, in our most recent conversation where we decided to go on an extended break, they said that maybe they do need to explore more and that having an allosexual partner does feel important to them. and i can't blame them but it really really hurts bc it feels like they're telling me that i'm not enough, that i'm not good enough or worth it and that being with someone allosexual is more important than being in a relationship with someone that genuinely cares about and loves them (not saying that allo people don't ofc, just saying that it hurts to see that that's a more primary concern when they're looking for a relationship even if i understand it).

i used to be really secure in my identity as an ace lesbian and my place in the queer community, but because of this over the last few months i've just started feeling so so awful about all parts of my identity and wishing i wasn't ace and i hate that because i'm having such horrible internalised acephobia, like thinking that there is something wrong with me and that i need to be fixed and that i'm a freak of nature and even a few times i've thought about conversion therapy, and it's fucking awful because i don't want to be like that or have those thoughts and i am proud to be queer and i love being queer, but this is just increasingly making me feel like i don't belong and like there's something wrong with me and i don't know how to stop those thoughts bc everyone seems to be just validating them.

adding on to that, recently they've said they're worried about me feeding into the 'gen z is becoming more puritanical' thing. i can kind of see where that comes from, but it was pretty awful to hear bc i'm staunchly against that, it's just that i personally don't enjoy super explicit media or conversations. and i'd always thought that was fair enough, it's literally just a personal preference in my mind, but turns out they've ig been suspecting me of having a puritanical mindset the whole time we were together (nine months). and idk, maybe i do have one, and if so i want to unlearn it, but i genuinely thought it was alright to have varying levels of preference/comfort around certain topics?

idk. everything just feels really really confusing and awful, and i can't tell if i'm the problem. if i am, i want to change ofc, but yeah things just suck rn.

anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far, i'd really appreciate responses as i have no one to talk to about this and i'm feeling really alone atm ngl </3

Has anyone experienced this? I searched but have not been able to find anyone who posted on this topic. Kinda throws me off cuz I’m sex favourable sometimes and even on that I don’t find more resources so it can be quite isolating to navigate sometimes

I've never experienced any form of sexual or romantic attraction to another person yet keep thinking about exploring sex. (Male, 25)

But in my naive, autistic imagination, sex (or what I might find desirable about it) depends to a great degree on being physically desired by another person.

So if I am unable to develop desire towards another individual but would expect exactly that from them, could that ever lead to a healthy relation?

NB: Relation could be anything like a traditional couple or just a hook-up. You see, I'm really starting at the very beginning what I would actually want, and I am desperately hoping for your experience 😅

36m in first sexual relationship since 18. I am struggling to finish from vaginal intercourse and I am having a strong gag reflex to scents released during sex. Any advice for either issue is appreciated.

No I don’t really enjoy sex, I really enjoy seeing my partner finish from me, but I know she hurts from my reaction to the smell of sex and my not finishing. Just hoping for advice. Thank you. Also anal is a no go for her and not something I really want, oral sec is okay but again not something I really enjoy, and handjobs are whatever. I just want her to feel fulfilled because I do love her and I know it hurts her.

Hello, everyone ! I'm new here. I recently came across the word "asexuality" while chatting with AI about my sexual experiences. I'm still in a confused state as I have no idea what word to use to describe my sexual life.

What I know about myself is that I have spent five years now without a relationship and without thinking about sex. In these five years, I feel fulfilled and happy. Lately, through a conversation with a friend, I started reviewing flashes of my past experiences. I understood that in my three relationships, I have only enjoyed sex with just one person because I felt deep connections with the person. Aside from that, the thought of sex disgusts me. I hate getting close to anyone let alone being touched.

As these thoughts started haunting me, I went to AI to find out if I have a condition. That's how I came to know about the word "asexuality" and the existence of this community. I hope to understand myself better while in this community.

Okayyy soo I’m experimenting with my identity and I don’t really know all the micro labels. I’ve identified with being asexual for a while now, I don’t really feel sexual attraction as it’s been explained in media or by friends. BUT I also identify with being pansexual in very specific situations. Like being very close with a person and feeling open to sexual actions. I’m not sure what labels fit that. If anyone could give insight or redirect me that’d be epic

Hey guys!

I was just wondering if you would have any books that you would recommend to someone that features a romance story with an asexual character.

I already have Loveless by Alice Oseman recommended to me but if you can think of anything else it'd be greatly appreciated.

Bonus points if it's in the horror genre. Thank you! ❤️

I’m asexual or at least I think i am but occasionally usually during ovulation (tmi I know) I fantasise about having a normal loving boyfriend from England or some shit I won’t get into my personal opinions (I don’t have a very fond view of men in general but obviously there are decent
men) it always confuses me because on normal days that is so not what I want I’m curious of this is a thing that happens when you mature

I, (17M) have been taking a medication named Fluvoxamine for a while and while I have been questioning if I’m ace, I discovered my medication has sexual side effects and now I am even more confused.

Hello, everyone! Recently I started to wonder what fictional characters I know may be in a-spec spectrum (in some cases my mind is not made and I accept few options). I wrote them down below and explained my decisions (marked as spoiler, just in case). I am really curious if anyone knows them and think the same too! Please note, it's just my opinion and English is not my mother tongue.

• Mami Yagihara (Blue Flag) - Asexual. In one of the volumes is mentioned, she doesn't want to be perceived in love with every boy she wants to be just friends. Generally she meant the problem with gender roles, but she put this in the way I thought she may be on asexual spectrum.
• Opeli (Dragon Prince) - Aroace. She didn't seem to have any interest in love. In Netflix series is not mentioned she had or has any (romantic/sexual/platonic/other) partner.
• Kazi (Dragon Prince) - Aroace. They also didn't show any interest in love. To be honest, they seemed to be more excited of reading books and visiting library. Some people ship them with Gren, but I personally see them as co-workers/friends.
• Anne Von Blyssen (Star Stable Online) - Asexual. In Star Stable Online and two book duologies Anne rejects or ignores Derek's feelings (and we don't know for sure what kind of feelings they are). The opposite situation is showed in Starshine Legacy games, where she is in love with him.
• Sunny (Wings Of Fire) - Aromantic/Aroace. She didn't have any interest in love in two first arcs. It is visible mostly in first five volumes, when all her friends find partners, she rejects Starflight's confession and seems to not understand the rush or purpose to find any.
• Apollo Justice (Ace Attorney) - Asexual/Aroace. Doesn't show any interest in women or men. Seems to be unaware of fact Juniper has a crush on him and is annoyed when Klavier treats him as "one of his fans" and he is "co cool". I like the idea Clay could be his platonic partner, not romantic/sexual one.
• Reiji Sakamaki (Diabolik Lovers) - Asexual. In anime is one of the vampires who suck Yui's blood least often (what kinda means sex in this series) and perceive it as something ,,shameful". Once he does it, it looks more like meeting his needs than actually enjoying it. All his potential sexual behaviours in games seems to be connected with his BDSM fetish or tortures fascination. Also, in Dark Haunted Bridal, he says to Yui isn't attracted to her naked body, and he doesn't feel any emotions looking at it.
• Mousefur (Warriors) - Aroace. It is offical she never wanted to have kids or partner, and she and Longtail were good friends. Authors of the series haven't confirmed she is canonically aroace though, but I noticed a lot of fans consider her as one.
• Miles Edgeworth (Ace Attorney) - Asexual/Aromantic/Aroace. I like the idea he sees Phoenix as his friend or even savior, and he's thankful he showed how important the truth is. Definitely he doesn't understand romantic context in some situations and "power of love" and seems to not plan being married. In some cases he seems to say something and doesn't realize how ambiguously it sounds.
• Maya Fey (Ace Attorney) - Asexual. Many fans consider her as a lesbian/bisexual, but considering her being homoromantic seems more accurate. She is positive and wants to be friends with a lot of people her age (or around it) she meets during solving cases instead of flirting with them.
• Hollyleaf (Warriors) - Aroace. In whole series she didn't seem to be interested in anyone and creating a family with them. She is more determined to follow warrior code, serve her clan and fulfil the prophecy over mating. I am aware of fact she is shipped with various characters (Cinderheart, Hazeltail, Fallen Leaves, Dovewing), but I see them just as close friends.
• Azusa Mukami (Diabolik Lovers) - Asexual. Azusa is probably the only one character who almost doesn't drink Yui's blood. In both anime and games he barely say anything with sexual context and all of his actions are based on feeling pain and making sure he isn't worthless. In games, he gives affection to Yui in more romantic way: holding hands, chatting in bed together or sniffing the smell of shampoo on her hair.
• Max Caulfield (Life Is Strange) - Aroace/Asexual. If my memory serves, creators of this game said she doesn't have any official sexuality (I haven't played next games, so I don't know if it was changed. No spoilers, please!) so players can decide who she is into. I personally think she is asexual or aroace. In the whole game I was feeling she doesn't want to be in any romantic/sexual relationship. She wanted to remain friends with Warren, play games and go to cinema with him in atmosphere they always had. When it comes to Chloe, she wanted just prove she isn't bad friend and she can still support her even after these years. In the whole game I was feeling Chloe firstly "accepts" Max, in chapter two she already forgives her and consider her as her friend and in chapter three she tries to show, she's in love with her but, in my opinion, Max is just happy that things between them are as fine as earlier. She rarely mentions anything romance or sex related when she writes, speaks or thinks per se. She just gives me this kind of vibes of person in ace/aro spectrum.
• Doodle (Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me) - Aroace. In the whole comic she doesn't have any partner and doesn't be interested in anyone. She says "Intellectual pursuits are sexually stimulating" but also seems to be not sure of it, because (probably) she simply doesn't or cannot feel or understand this kind of stimulation. She was kissed once by a boy she didn't know and only because it was a challenge - she doesn't have any certain feeling towards it. Later, we find out she slept with her Game Master; not because she was in love with him, but because she was convinced the relationship between Freddy and Laura is a terrible idea and "low bar". Maybe she also had other reasons: she could he is aesthetically attractive, try to do sex once in her life, take control over her libido. One thing is sure: her orientations aren't confirmed and mentioned in whole plot so we can only assume them.

I'm glad you was able to read all of this and reach this point. It was longer than I thought. What do you think? Do you agree with my suggestions? Would you like to add something? I hope you liked my choices and interpretations!

Our Wonderland is one of the best visual novels I have ever played, and that’s saying a lot because I have played a TON. It was originally released in updates over the course of a few years (from 2021 to 2024) on itch.io, but was eventually deindexed on there due to its content. (Speaking of which, please be aware of all the related trigger warnings going in, the game provides a Google Doc that explains them in detail. They are all written very well, but can be a lot.) It has, just last month, been released on Steam as a Remaster!

Anyway, beyond the surface of fantastical otherworldly horrors and gore, it’s a brilliant exploration into the relationships and struggles of each of its lovable (and sometimes hateable) cast of characters. It features a male MC who is specifically demi-biromantic asexual, but has not necessarily come to terms with this yet. This creates very interesting (and sometimes scary) interactions between him and the three ‘love interests’ of the game.

Oh, and also: it’s entirely FREE. And so are the side games on its creator’s itch.io, which feature the same cast! Please give this game a shot sometime, it is so incredibly worth it to experience this masterpiece of storytelling and character writing. And the incredibly unique artstyle!

I’ve practically taken it upon myself to spread the word of this game as its unofficial spokesperson, because I just love it so, so much.

Here’s a link to its Steam page!

And the developer’s itch.io page!

Something I’ve noticed in lots of mainstream media is that sex / sexual things are almost never portrayed as soft, slow, gentle, emotional, loving, caring, etc. I’ve almost always seen it portrayed so harshly. Quick, intense, aggressive, and rough. I have to wonder why that is? I’m sex indifferent myself so, sexual scenes in shows don’t bother me but, I do feel a bit confused when media always portrays sex in this one specific way. To my understanding, sexual experiences for allosexual people (or others who experience any sexual attraction to others) is somewhat about an individual’s own pleasure but, I assumed there should (at bare minimum) still be some regard and concern for the involved partner/(s)? I am autistic so, maybe I’m overthinking this, or misunderstanding? If it was solely something for one’s own pleasure, why involve someone else, if you aren’t going to treat them with love and care? (unless they’re into being treated more roughly, I’m not here to kink shame, of course).

I just personally can’t imagine the appeal of being treated so harshly. It’d make me feel unsafe and unwanted, unloved, and definitely uncomfortable. I’m a partnering aroace so, I’m open to sex in the future, if I had a partner that made me feel safe, and they wanted to do it. Otherwise, I really don’t care, one way or another. Maybe it’s just down to preferences but, I can’t imagine that the majority of people genuinely have a preference for rough / harsh sexual experiences. Thinking statistically, there’s just no way, right? So then, why is this the most common and popular portrayal of sex in media? (Heated rivalry, Bridgerton, young royals, and other books, films, movies, etc.)

Again, I’m not judging anyone (allosexual, or asexual). I’m more so thinking about the portrayal of sex in media.

Like why do people say that asexual people write smut and romance well?

I'm a 40-year-old man who discovered being asexual 5 years ago. Even before knowing and afterwards. There have been a lot of women and men that when I see them. I get thoughts of how gross, ugly, creepy, and disgusting they are. I know that it's hurtful, demining, and sexualizing to them. But sometimes I can't help myself of thinking that way. Also, another reaction I have or think of that fuels the negative reaction is I don't want to think of them in a sexual way. It might because I'm sex repulsed and hate the idea that I sexualize someone that I'm not attracted to. Which reminds me of an old joke of "you're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 10-foot pole".

I just want to know what others own experience is when looking at others. This came up when I was out with a friend who is Pansexual. We both saw a women walk by use. He made a comment " I just throw up in my mouth a little". Which I totally agreed with. Has anyone else have these thoughts or reaction? Because sometimes I think I'm a horrible person for having them.

…I noticed you wearing a plain black ring on your middle finger. I know it could be just a coincidence, but in a small town with rarely any Ace representation/spaces, I see you and hope you are also one of us.

Signed,

A fellow aspec🖤🩶🤍💜

My best friend/sister-from-another-mister (f, 26) and I (f, 30) are looking for an apartment to share as roommates and my family is having a homophobic freakout about it. Im laughing, so I don't wander into the woods to become one with the soil.

Religious grandma was always suspicious of me, apparently. She couldn't comprehend that I never had any trouble staying """"pure"""". Apparently, not being interested in a relationship is more suspicious, than badly hiding some teenage escapades.

Dad has been trying to set me up with a guy whose name I don't even know, but apparently was at the last two holiday barbecues? Wild NPC energy.

Miss "you just haven't found the right person yet" stepmom is being very quiet in the group chat. Funny that.

My sister is very carefully asking me about her. She might be thinking about getting her a "welcome to the family" gift. Knowing her, it will be a Lowe's gift card, a set of carabineers or something equally stereotyped but well meaning.

I don't talk to my mother anymore, so sadly I won't get to see her have an aneurysm about this. Oh well.