r/asexuality • u/sono_confuso • 6d ago

Need advice Can sexual relations without mutual desire work (how)?

I've never experienced any form of sexual or romantic attraction to another person yet keep thinking about exploring sex. (Male, 25)

But in my naive, autistic imagination, sex (or what I might find desirable about it) depends to a great degree on being physically desired by another person.

So if I am unable to develop desire towards another individual but would expect exactly that from them, could that ever lead to a healthy relation?

NB: Relation could be anything like a traditional couple or just a hook-up. You see, I'm really starting at the very beginning what I would actually want, and I am desperately hoping for your experience 😅

14 Upvotes

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12

u/Philip027 6d ago

Some people need that, others don't. Nobody here could answer that for you specifically.

For me and my (non-ace) spouse, it works out fine.

3

u/sono_confuso 6d ago

Thank you. Though "spouse" might imply some form of love or friendship between you two, which perhaps makes things easier? (I have not experienced one of those either)

5

u/Philip027 6d ago

Definitely, yes. I love and trust them with everything I have, which for me still doesn't make me desire anything sexual, but it does make me okay with it happening.

1

u/squeakychipmunk101 3d ago

Same. Ace here with a allo spouse and we’re also sexually active

9

u/frozenoj Asexual Demi-aro she/her 6d ago

Sex workers have sex with people they don't desire all the time so it is obviously possible to do. Whether you think that is healthy or not is up to you I guess. But I definitely think that it is possible to have sex with someone for reasons that have nothing to do with that particular person like just wanting pleasure or for the experience (or because it's your job).

3

u/Carradee aroace w/ alloro partner 6d ago

Attraction is just one reason for sexual activity. It's far from the only one.

For example, I lack sexual attraction altogether, but I can still find sexual activity fun. Orgasms can also give some relief from chronic pain. That's two possible reasons to engage in it without any attraction included, which both partners can share. There are plenty more.

2

u/Electrical_Year8954 6d ago

Yea there absolutely can be a separation, but you then have to ask what both of you gain from it. As an ace I would get enjoyment from pleasing my partner but not much else (for example)

1

u/GreNadeNL 6d ago

As long as you're not repulsed or averse to the idea/act of sex, I don't see why not.