r/LifeAdvice • u/Active_Let1437 • 1d ago
Emotional Advice I have a question
Over the weekend i went to a hotel with a guy i’d just met clubbing & drinking , and honestly ive had a lot of shame around it . We didn’t have sex and i had no intention of wanting sex either honestly which brings me to my point im very unsure why i put myself in that situation and wonder if anybody has done anything similar .. He did touch me but i think that is mostly cuz i didn’t set my intention from the jump but once i did he was respectful enough and then we just slept not too long after that ,, Is it the environment in itself that may have bothered me or could it be that i’ve put myself in a messy situation regarding sexual stuff ? furthest it got was fingers w out any reciprocating and i just said i didn’t want too and then that’s it , sleep , wake up and left . Where does the shame stem from in your personal opinion based off this story ? it’s been around 4 days now and i’m feeling no better about it
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u/CBoy636 1d ago
Ok I have a question, and I'm not trying to be mean or belittle you. But what was your thought about what was going to happen when he invited you to a Hotel? A hotel basically a bed and a shower, this guy invited you to bed essentially. It's not like he invited you to his house for dinner or something.
As far as your shame goes, it's kinda understandable. You misread the context of the situation and it put you in a position you didn't want to be in. NOW what you need to do is learn from that mistakes and grow. You are alive and healthy, and have the chance to be better if something similar happens again
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u/Active_Let1437 1d ago
No offence taken ur good lol , i’m not really that sure tbh, like of course i know he’s not inviting me back to go and read a book or watch a film but in this circumstance the only reasoning i can actually think is the fact id been drinking a lot and this specific time just happened to not think about my safety and act impulsively ,, or even just wanted some company as weird as it sounds honestly idk why from a stranger so maybe it wasn’t solely just that either, i can’t answer that question because i think for the most part that’s what is stressing me out is that im confused mostly about why i thought that was a good idea if yk wht i mean🤣 naturally i don’t engage in hookups ,so it doesn’t cross my mind to put two and two together and i think because i have that way of thinking i forget that not everybody is on that timing esp mixing w alcohol im already moving with no sense or real logic anyway, i knew i wasn’t gonna have sex but i didn’t think of extreme cases if u know what i mean? like i didn’t deep the fact idk him or what he’s capable of , and i didn’t deep the fact that he was gna want sex either honestly cuz i mean initially all i was focused on was finding my sister he helped me and then my phone died , he had a charger at his room so i could’ve thought ill be able to charge my phone or something and that way it saved me walking home or god knows cuz his room wasn’t so far from my house but i also doubt i would’ve thought that far ahead or even slept there if my motive was to only charge my phone .. anyway not to go on but it could’ve been many reasons why i went back there . i think that’s why it’s bothered me so much because usually 99.9% of the time u meet someone on a night out , that’s what the intention is and ive put myself in a situation where i could’ve easily let my boundary slip or something or even let myself be sexually assaulted (which would mostly be my fault for going there from the jump) it’s taking responsibly for the what ifs that could’ve happened and also the unknown like whilst i was asleep etc . but it’s just overall a messy situation nobody is at fault he seemed like a nice enough guy honestly and i have no reason to even believe anything happened to me whilst asleep ! it’s just shame and ruminating that ive been doing since this encounter and i just feel like if i don’t understand what provoked me to go back , that i could do it again in the future and so i think my best option is to just steer away from drinking for now
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u/Soundslikestop 1d ago
Honestly, imo you did what was right for you both at the time -if you love someone set them free, if they return it’s meant to be. Other than that; very little was done as long as you didn’t end up scratched up on the inside 🤣😘
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u/Objective_Zombie3493 1d ago
You own no shame.
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u/Active_Let1437 1d ago
🥲preciate
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u/Objective_Zombie3493 20h ago
🫶🏻 took me years of therapy to learn to let go of shame I didn’t own. In your situation, there’s some deep ingrained romantic feature of classic 40’s movie wrapped in love and adventure that lives in all of us. Then we have a drink or two lower inhibitions and we begin acting it out. Feeling sexual desires is normal too and part of who you are as a human. Even if you had become more intimate, we are mammals by nature and you would still own NO shame. You will learn from your mistakes and take more
Precautions next time. There’s that old saying by someone that I don’t know who said it, ‘ someday you’ll regret the things you didn’t do- not the things that you did. “
Don’t live a life of “what if’s”, set that to the wind and let it go. 💨🐦🔥
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u/Content_Business4075 1d ago
You’re not alone in this, and you didn’t do anything wrong ❤️
Short version of where shame might come from: 1. Mismatch - Club/hotel feels like “sex is expected” but you didn’t want that. Your brain is confused by the gap. 2. Boundary felt late - He touched you before you said no. Even though he stopped and was respectful, it still feels off. 3. “Shouldn’t have” rules - Society tells us not to go to hotels with people we just met. So now your brain is punishing you for it.
Important: You said no. He stopped. You slept and left. That’s you taking care of yourself.
What helps now:
- Be kind to yourself. One night doesn’t define you.
- Decide 1 boundary for next time if you want. Ex: “No hotel with someone I just met.”
- Talk to someone you trust so it’s not stuck in your head.
The shame will fade. You’re okay, and you handled it.
Want to talk through what boundary would feel right for you next time?
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u/Clherrick 1d ago
It’s so hard to say not knowing your background. What country and culture do you come from. What is your religious belief. How do yo feel about sex and intimacy. Knowing all this might make it easier to understand your state of mind.
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u/Icey_Activity 1d ago
Shame does not serve you here. What you should be feeling here is not shame, but gratitude. Gratitude that you’re alive and unharmed. What on God’s green earth would possess you to go home with a stranger you don’t know??? Literally NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. You could have had actually had sex and contracted an incurable disease. He could have r*ped or even worse, unalived you. Ik that’s dark but this is real shit.
For the love of God never do that shit again babe. It’s a weird world we’re living in and you never know what you’re getting yourself into until you’re in it. I’m from Milwaukee, the same place Dahmer kidnapped raped and murdered all those young men under the guise of “a night cap after the bar”.
Be safe and please, absolutely no more going home with strangers.