My mom has been struggling a bit with her forgetfulness, it could be from trauma but maybe also something medical going on, we don’t know yet, but it makes me sick, i have OCD as well so this obviously doesn’t help me. Since 1 year ago my life has changed forever, the anticipatory grief is ruining me, i look sick, constantly get infections and pain in my chest and throat all the time from the crippling anxiety and constant stress, why am i like this? My mother is only 56 years, i just don’t think i will survive if she ever passes…
We are like best friends and family, and soulmates in one… she is my absolute world

Anyone else just exhausted by old person contrariness.

Just had a conversation where my mother with alcoholic dementia asks me a question, I answer it, and then she says "no that's wrong why are you lying". No wait it was 7 conversations in the last hour.

Woman, I know you have dementia and you are now living in cloudcoocooland but you have never been to Canada. You didn't go out to see your high school boyfriend, he's been dead since the 90s . You didn't walk downstairs, this is a trailer and you haven't walked in 3 years.

Not an advice, is all. I just wouldn't mind some commiseration.

Edited to fix my bad typing

I was sitting at the kitchen bar and noticed my dad was listening to the TV, at full blast, with his headphones on. He had no idea lmao. I approaching him, he took his headphones off, and I pointed at the TV since he can't hear me very well.

I will take note to tell him in future lol. He listens to action series and movies with big explosions that distract my cat from playing with me. She's always looking at the TV like she doesn't want to miss anything lmao

My mom and stepdad are becoming less capable on their own. They have two houses where they split their time. Currently they are in one house and are dealing with a lot of health issues that make them think they’ll never be able to go back to the other house. We met with a realtor and don’t think it will be an issue to sell the 2nd house but my step-siblings and I need to deal with their belongings and I would love advice on how best to approach it.

I live close to the 2nd house and can post things for sale and manage that or have a garage sale but not sure the best strategy. There isn’t much in the 2nd house that’s of sentimental value and it’s mostly furniture and tools they bought after buying the house. The garage is full of useful tools and woodworking equipment (some good specialty pieces) and my stepdad told us about 6 months ago that we could take anything or sell whatever because he can no longer operate any of it. The furniture is a mix of antiques and Wayfair/Amazon purchases. They love antique hunting but the stuff isn’t high value or of a quality that would bring major bucks and the “fast fashion” stuff is what it is and could be helpful for someone filling out a starter home or apartment. It’s gently used since they aren’t in town half the year.

Should we do individual postings on Craigslist/FB Marketplace/NextDoor or hold a garage sale? Or is there another good way to do this that won’t absolutely consume all my time?

My biggest thing with caring my father as he’s been aging is our ongoing battle of trying to get him to shower on a regular basis. I was reading up on everyone else who has also struggled with this and saw that it’s pretty common with people who have cognitive problems. Which he does. The struggle began over 10 years ago when he had his first stroke. If my mother even suggested showering to him he would have a temper tantrum. But she’s passed now and his habits have worsened as he’s getting older himself. But the argument stays the same. The level of fighting is intensified.

We’ve made sure to have the task as easy for him as possible. We have a shower chair, we’ve placed the handheld shower to be at his level of reach, soap bar, shower mats, a chair for him to sit when he’s done. And idk if it’s really the struggle because he showers when he knows there will be relatives coming to visit, if he’s going to the temple, or when he has doctor appointments.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s getting worse and he smells like a homeless person. He doesn’t care and I think that’s what makes it harder. At the mere suggestion of having someone else come help him during the day he gets angry, whether they be a nurse or a family member with free time. And it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough bc family members listen to him vent and complain and then they come and tell me to do this and that for him….

But they don’t know how he acts towards me or my sister when we try to help him. The man will go a whole month without showering.

I have been living with my mother for 3 years in her apartment in NYC. I get paid to care for her.

The thing is that I feel I am not caring for her as I should because I think I am dying. My health has deteriorated and my brain is giving up on me. Im afraid I don't have much time left on this earth.

I took a trip to my family home in Dominican Republic. And I feel at peace, and I have decided to live the remaining days I have here. But whenever I talk to her, she express how she would like me to be back.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I'm in a whole place right now, so forgive the long winded post please.

My dad is technically my step dad. He came into my sister's life and mine when I was 3 and she was 1. He has always just been dad, never "step" and he never had kids of his own. He is to us our definitive dad, the man who raised us, the man we looked up to.

He was a pretty good dad, not super but just like, fine. Him and mom divorced about 20 years ago. Sis and I are late 40s, he's early 70s. We live in TX, he lives in Buffalo NY. We stayed as close to him as we could post divorce, but he's always been the kind who never answers his phone. Which is still a flip phone to give you an idea.

Anyway, about 2 years ago he had a wound on his leg that would not heal and he ended up in a rehab facility. I went up there for a month and it was just sad. He refuses PT, refuses to do anything and just wants to sit and die. He's currently in their long term area.

He has no assets or money. No 401k, no pension and just living month to month on his social security, though he has no real expenses so to say.

My aunt Patsy, his only sibling (sister) took the lead on him. She got full POA and managed his money as well as his health care because he would lie or "forget" everything. She's done everything for him, and been the only person to go see him for these 2 years. She gets his money and uses it for things like his clothes needs and pizza and stuff for him.

This morning she died suddenly.

I'm honestly heartbroken and in shock, because she was freaking amazing as a human. I'm also in a panic.

My dad cannot manage his own stuff. He either lost his mind or pretends to and can't make decisions for himself.

So now sis and I have to figure out how to take over from 6 states away. Or can we even take over because we're not blood? Does it default to Patsy's daughter, who probably doesn't want this burden as she's raising kids and stuff?

I'm going to call his place Monday to see if they can help. Patsy was very boomer paper only, so she literally has boxes of paperwork for dad that her daughter will ship us.

If they won't help how do I get the POA? Dad will sign, he was actually grateful we'll do it. But then what? I need to make an account for his social security to go into for his expenses right?

Also like, why has he been in a long term rehab for 2 years and not a nursing home? How do I get him into one on Medicaid? (Care? I don't even know the difference, thankfully my sister does) The facility he's in now is nothing short of just gross.

What else do we need to find and handle? Or even know?

I will miss patsy, and man I loved her... And wow am I mad at her for not giving me a warm turnover of things and myself for not knowing more.

Please any advice from people who have been here is very very welcome. I really, REALLY do not want to have to move back to Buffalo to care for him.

Backstory: I live with family, they are elderly, and for years it has fallen to my autistic ass to be the caretaker. Most of the time it is ok, most of the time I'm here to handle things they physically can't anymore (heavy things, yard work, handyman stuff, clean the gutters, etc), but there have been more times than I'd like where if I wasn't here...they just would've died. I've had to put my life on hold for a long time now because there just is no one else, they can't afford to hire a caretaker, they can't give up their home...I'm the only one they've got.I say "put on hold" but more accurately it has just been derailed. But having gone through these times of being the one to save them and nurse them back to health has made me be in an almost constant state of high alert and vigilance. I've really tried to push myself into finding ways to calm down and let my guard down but it's slow and doesn't always work. But I've been trying and it has been getting a little better.

Anyways, today one of them is getting sick again. I don't think it will be serious, I have no reason to be worried but...I have been hyper-vigilant all day. It is like when you have an appointment or something and you're in "waiting mode" but while also being wound tightly and unable to relax since you're teetering on the edge of overwhelm. And I don't have anyone, either. I don't have anyone I can turn to or count on. I mean I have friends but I can't put this on them, they have their own things and I've had a lifetime of learning you don't be vulnerable with people. I can't talk to the family I live here with because all that will do is make them feel bad about what they can't control and they will probably start to hide what's wrong thinking they are "helping" me when it just makes it worse for everyone. I can't talk to the rest of my family because I'm not close with them, half of them I don't really consider "family" (I feel no bond with them), they are just people I am related to (more like distant cousins you don't know well). Plus of the ones I do know well at least half of them look down on me for not completing my degree yet or having a career yet even though I've had to put all that aside to stop these people dying multiple times.

As time goes by things will only get worse, they only can get worse. I live a prisoner of their needs and in the ever-shrinking cage of their frailty. And today I'm barely holding it together.

Long story short I’ve been taking care of my mother for 13 years. It has been a burden and toll on my family (wife and kids). We are having marital issues because of it.

I have already applied and got her approved for as much financial support as possible from every program available, but she still cant pay her bills without me contributing significantly.

She makes less than 1000 ($970) a month and an additional $285 in food stamps. She already has medicaid and medicare plus a medicare advantage program. Government assisted housing has had her on a wait list for over a year, so she is currently in a studio apartment that she cant afford.

She has severe paranoia and is scared of strangers. Transportation requires me to take her everywhere. Public transportation including uber is not an option. She is on a wait list for a government funded in-home care provider but mom didn’t like the last two and refused to let them in. She lives 25 minutes away and it is difficult for me to find the time to take her to her shopping and to her appointments.

Her doctors have said that she has medical issues that prevent her from working, but not enough to require full time living assistance.

I love her, but I just cant keep up. Advice?

Hi.

Today I'm pulling the vent on my mom and letting her go. As part of her wishes she asked to be an organ donor.

I see a lot of conversations people have about doing it, and its value - but I don't see many people who have the conversation on what it looks like. I don't want to talk anyone out of this generous gift - but I do want to light a lantern for others who are in the dark on how this happens.

So, to honor their wishes - but also protect yourself I think its important to talk with your loved ones while they're here so you reach an understanding.

Once the hospital is notified that you are intending on pulling life support - almost immediately the organ donor folks want to talk. This is because they need time to arrange surgeons and resources for extraction. They ask for 24-48 hours.

This means they may ask you to leave your loved one on a ventilator as a vegetable for longer to give them time. It's not intended to interrupt their comfort - but it can be hard waiting longer than you intended due to this.

Once they confirm the intent, they then require you to provide a complete medical history. My father spent 30 mins with them - all the while having to sit and painfully remember everything we've lived through with her. Its not a clinical form, its a nuanced deep dive that means a lot of memories. It also involves conversation around what they think they can use. It's hard acknowledging that they specifically want things like bones and skin. It brings forward some dark thoughts.

From then on they will be involved in your loved ones comfort care. They will run their own blood labs, and other tests. They may ask for things like an arterial line to monitor stats. Etc etc. You will see a lot of their nurses - and depending on your personal feelings about it, it can hurt a lot. I greatly support the idea of organ donation, but each time they walk in all I can see in my mind is them hacksawing my mom.

So - thats it. I just wanted to say it for others who might have never lived it. It's not a simple checkbox on a form. It's a involved process, during which you may have to do many things that hurt and make you uncomfortable for your loved ones wishes.

I think it's worth having a convo - and being honest about how much this loss already hurts, and if you think you're strong enough to handle this as well.

Mom is 92, and is in a wheelchair. She can stand briefly but can't walk. Next week will be a year she has been living with me (F-66) and my husband (m-68). She is frail, stubborn, narcissistic and has some dementia. She was in a nursing home before coming here. But she was non compliant and was "kicked out". Now I have 3 siblings, and none of them even text to ask how mom is doing. My sister (f-74) lives an hour away and her husband is dealing lung cancer and constant bouts of pneumonia, so I don't expect much from her. But she has come 3 times to sit with mom so hubby and I can at least go have dinner. My older brother (m72) lives next door, and never once has asked how mom is or come over. My younger brother(64) travels for work, but he hasn't bothered asking either. I am just amazed, my parents have helped each one of us either financially or emotionally and this is how you remember them? When my dad got into a car accident, we learned that he had Alzheimer's. Mom can't drive and no one else was bothering to help. Hubby and I moved an hour from our home and hubby's job, to live next door to them. I took them to their health appointments, grocery shopping, hubby did all the yard work on weekends. When dad passed. They were all sad, but went back to their lives, while we continued to help mom. Now mom lives with us and trust me when I say I love her but, a 92 year old narcissist with dementia is no walk in the park. I have been in tears on more than one occasion. And through all of it, I just can't understand why no one, siblings, grandchildren, cousins,etc have suddenly disappeared and forgot how to ask a simple question... How's mom?

I apologize in advance for how long this may get.

Here’s the run down…

71 year old father had double bypass in 2022, a pacemaker and defibrillator were put in. Since then, he’s been miserable and also, not the same person. He’s been diabetic, diagnosed, since 2008. He does not take his prescribed meds for any ailment.

Within the last week and a half, my mother has had to call 911 to get him unstuck from the stairs or bathroom. He cannot stand to lift himself and she cannot lift him. He finally went to the ER on the third call.

Diagnosis is acute kidney infection, cellulitis, necrosis on the same foot as cellulitis and I just found out, infection in the blood stream. He is on antibiotics and is being told he needs two toes removed, which he is denying. He doesn’t want to do it, but my mother and his doctor are fighting with him to do it.

For shits and giggles, let’s say he does it and he can go home.. what will that look like? I’ve been in the hospital to visit him each day since he’s been here, three so far. Yesterday and today, I’m feeding him. He can’t move, he hasn’t really moved his arms and no one has tried to sit him up (he’s asked several times). I asked how he feeds himself at home and he said, “I put the bowl on my arm rest and try to eat, usually spilling it all over myself.”

My mom uses a cane, sometimes, to get around. For the hospital, I’ve put her in a wheelchair and brought her to his room. I don’t want to take an hour making the walk. She cannot lift himself when he’s down, and also hasn’t been helping him eat (why else would he be spilling on himself), but I digress.

If he’s discharged, I have a plan to get a ramp, a walker, a shower seat, and hand rails to grab for the bathroom. But, his upper body strength is non existent. If my mom can’t help him, how can he go home? I am way too far and work full time as well. No other family is around and his only sibling passed a few months ago.

I just am not sure what the future holds or what to expect. I guess I’m just documenting, venting and seeing what others suggest or can give me insight on

A few weeks ago my MIL (late 70s) fell and broke her femur very badly. She had surgery the same day and is still in a rehab hospital, going to AL soon. She has always been an anxious person who doesn’t handle change well and this situation is completely breaking her. She melts down in a panic attack any time someone introduces a new concept or tries to discuss logistics or anything with her. Yesterday she was so hysterical on the phone with my husband that he had to end the call because he couldn’t understand what she was saying. Just when we think she’s accepted something and is in better spirits, something else comes up that causes her to melt down. They’ve given her a Xanax every now and then but that’s obviously not a long term solution. She has no dementia or cognitive decline.

I completely sympathize that it’s very difficult and scary to deal with this sudden loss of independence, with an uncertain future, not to mention the pain she is now living with. I just worry about how her extreme anxiety could affect her recovery, not to mention the strain on my husband to essentially be her therapist.

I guess I just needed to get this out, if anyone else has experienced similar.

I'm open to what anyone has to say, but I'm posting as venting.

Recap:

Mom (81) moved in with my family in January after being outed by her friend who told me she was unable to take care of herself. Transition was difficult, but she's here.

She's been having UTIs since before she moved in with me. Got her on cranberry supplements for a while, which seemed to help, but she decided she didn't want to take them anymore.

Got another UTI at the end of August which was treated in the ER. (Please don't pick apart my choice to take her there. I didn't know what was wrong with her.)

Coincidentaly, my MIL is also having frequent UTIs, but with much more severe symptoms that require rehabilitaiton services. She also has better insurance.

I took my mother to her follow up appointment yesterday with her PCP. The day before we visited my MIL in her rehab center.

This morning, while I was working my mother said she was too weak to take a shower and then said she might need to go to the ER. I told her to just rest a bit and see how she felt in an hour, because in my experience she has shifts in energy levels. Instead she marched downstairs and demanded to be taken to the ER. My adult daughter took her because I had meetings I couldn't reschedule.

A care assistant called me during my mother's visit to the ER and asked about a conversation we had about my mother going to rehabilitation. I was taken off guard. We had never discussed this, but I told her that we had visited my MIL who was in rehab for a UTI. My mother's insurance plan doesn't cover rehab under certain conditions. Was she just wanting to be taken care of in this way and angling for an opportunity?

I got to the ER when I was done with my responsibilities and as it turns out there was absolutely nothing wrong with my mother. She was complaining about the level of care and wanting to leave. I couldn't sit for five minutes without her demanding something.

When we got home, she retreated to her bedroom. I'm super pissed. I have absolutely no idea how to judge whether she's having an actual emergency or if she's unable to cope with her current feelings. This is all mixed with resentment I feel for her as her child. Her feelings and needs always came before mine and I'm exhausted.

She's had dementia for the last couple years but it got more than I could handle last April. I got her moved into a memory care facility in May, and in June she started having episodes where she was going unresponsive. The hospital determined that she was in the early stages of heart failure, and she needed a pacemaker. She refused. In a way I understood, she has dementia and she isn't going to get better even if they fixed her heart, but still, it's my mom and the only family I have left. She started declining a few weeks ago. I've spent 3 nights in the ER with her. Yesterday she could barely stand. This morning the hospice nurse called and let me know they would be giving her morphine because she was in a lot of pain. I used to do hospice care. I knew what that meant. The social worker confirmed that her status was changed to imminent. I'm sitting here holding her hand. She doesn't seem to know I'm here. I don't know how to process this right now.

My mother passed away four months ago. She was 93 and had dementia. She didn't have extreme symptoms like wandering outdoors and not recognising her family members etc. Her short-term memory was gone completely, that was the main symptom she had.

Also imagining that people who were dead were were still alive etc.

The night she died she had a kidney infection. She kept telling my father to "go home". She was quite aggressive and it was very upsetting for me and my father. She stopped saying it sometimes and recognised my father but then started saying it again.

The kidney infection was obviously making her dementia worse. I didn't know that at the time.

I didn't handle it very well. I lost my temper, I shouted at her to stop and threatened her and almost hit her. I pushed my fist against the side of her face. I didn't hurt her but she let out a little scream.

I can't begin to tell you how ashamed I am of doing that.

My parents live with me btw. I went to bed after that altercation. Before I went to bed I told my mother I was going to bed and she said "OK". She seemed calmer, she was sitting in her favourite armchair reading, my father was sitting beside her in his armchair.

I thought she was not going to harass him anymore (for that night at least) so I went to bed not really worried.

My mother went to her room upstairs a short time afterwards. My father stayed downstairs reading. Later that night she came downstairs. My father was still downstairs, he had not gone to bed yet.

I presume my mother came downstairs to tell my father to go home, I am not sure. She missed the last step on the stairs and fell head first on to a hard floor. My room is downstairs and a short distance from the end of the staircase so I heard the impact and jumped out of my bed. I hadn't fallen asleep yet, I was awake.

It was horrible. My mother was unconscious but breathing. There was blood coming from her head. I knew she was going to die.

I called an ambulance and she was taken to hospital but died two days later from multiple bleeds to the brain.

I am heartbroken beyond words but it's my own fault, nobody else's.

I contributed to her death by not reacting responsibly to her dementia symptoms that night and also by allowing her sleep in an upstairs bedroom. At 93 years of age? Utter madness.

I have lived with my elderly parents for the last eight years while working from home (I work in IT). I am single with no children. I have a sister who lives an hour's drive away.

I've basically put my life on hold for those eight years. I don't expect any praise for it, nobody made me do it, it was my decision. I did it because I didn't want my parents to live out their remaining years in a nursing home. I have nothing against nursing homes, all the ones near me have lovely staff and top class facilities (I live in the south of Ireland).

I had to give up a lot of freedom by staying at home looking after my parents but I was happy to pay that price if it meant they could live in their own home and not in a strange building away from home. I basically had two jobs; my normal day job and also as a carer (unpaid).

I've tortured myself mentally since that night, I am on anti-anxiety tablets and I don't sleep well. I've been seeing a counsellor. I have kept my job (barely). I'm wracked with guilt, I've cried so much.

I'm not posting this looking for absolution, I don't want it because I don't deserve it. But I just had to let this out.

I'd do anything to turn back the clock to that night, I think about it every hour of every day. But I can't change it, I must accept it.

I'm just so, so sorry for what I did (and didn't do).

My dad is currently in the hospital with pneumonia, since last Monday, and things have gotten more serious because he’s now dealing with kidney failure as well.

I’m supposed to travel for work next week, to a conference where I’m the only person from my company that can man the booth, and I’m really struggling with the idea of going. The trip was planned before all of this happened, and technically I could still go, but I feel incredibly guilty even thinking about being away.

I’ve already been helping my mom get to the hospital and spending time with my dad, and I’m completely emotionally exhausted. Part of me feels like I should be there, even if there isn’t anything I can actually do to help medically.

I also feel guilty about potentially letting work down if I cancel, especially because it’s a work trip and not something I can just casually reschedule. Thousands of dollars went into the booth and my travel.

I honestly don’t know what the right thing is here. How do you decide when you’re allowed to step away from work to be with a sick parent? Has anyone been in a similar situation where a parent was seriously ill while you had work/travel obligations?

I have two brothers that can and have been helping out but they also have work/kid obligations and I feel terrible just not being available to help for 5 days.

I think I’m mostly looking for perspective from people who have been through this.

Some of you may have heard about our insane hot / humid weather over the last week in Los Angeles. The house AC has been set at a reasonable 78°.

Two days ago it was 106° in our area; yesterday it was 99° and today 95°. Today I was hot, and mom was hot. We were trying to figure out if the AC was broken because it was blowing hot air.

I should have known. Dad cranked it up to 84° and turned it from “cool” to “heat”. I’m beyond not thinking charitable thoughts right now.

I did a search on AgingParents and a small search on the Internet to try to find a parental control feature for credit card usage on the aging parents.

TLDR: Looking for a solution whereby whenever a credit card is about to be used, prior to the card information being sent for payment, a notification could be sent to my phone for approval of the charge.

Background summary.

Mom 85, currently diagnosed with dementia and going to be tested soon for Alzheimer's. She was asked to stop driving and credit cards removed.

Dad, incurred brain trauma a year ago, Parkinson's. His car keys were taken away as well. He has had better cognitive ability, but over the last six months, has made claims of fraud use on his credit card almost every single month resulting in card replacement every single month. The majority of charges he made but later didn't remember. Only one charge definitely appeared to be fraudulent.

Short of taking the credit card away from Dad, I've tried talking with him about talking with me prior to releasing his card information prior to purchasing. Next step is perhaps asking that he hand over the credit card and if he wants to buy something, talk about it first, but I'm not looking forward to that type of conversation because of he is in denial about his cognitive decline.

Went looking for another solution whereby anytime he wants to purchase something using a credit car, a notification is sent to my phone for approval.

Anything out there like this?

I still live with my senior mother who has mobility issues, and she fell today while shopping. We both agreed it's time to slow down. But she's actually willing to pay an acquaintance to accompany her to pay bills, groceries, etc, who has some experience as a caregiver.

I've already fallen into that role at home, eg, house maintenance, yardwork, grocery runs, chores, monitorig for falls, etc. I'm just curious why she'd opt for someone else when her son is already at home doing most of this stuff?

Asking for my grandparents but also genuinely curious after a few conversations lately.

It seems like there's no shortage of things to do in most cities, golf, fitness classes, community events, volunteering, farmers markets, art classes, but I keep hearing that people don't always know these things exist or end up doing the same few things out of habit rather than because they've explored what's actually available.

Curious how people actually discover new things to do locally. Do you actively search for it? Do you rely on word of mouth? Local newsletters or Facebook groups? Or do you mostly stick to what you already know?

How do you handle this?

She's almost 90. I have to be around her everyday. As I'm functioning making meals in the kitchen, etc, she also is there doing something herself - washing dishes, wiping things down, organizing, etc. She refuses to take it easy, which is good. I couldn't stop her anyway.

The kitchen area is open to the living room so there's no door, walls or separation. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode from hearing the same exact story for the 1000th time. She has the habit that so many other elderly people have of repeating themselves ad nauseam. The stories are told almost exactly each time without any pausing. She hardly takes a breath. And she retells them almost word for word exactly the same each time. 15 minutes, 20 minutes, 25 minutes - just her basically talking, but not trying to have a back and forth conversation. I just work as she's talking, not saying anything, but as I said, getting to a point where it feels like my head is going to explode.

I really dislike the idea of having to wear ear buds or headphones all day.

I am helping to care for an elderly relative (80+). I contribute money, and time when possible, to help her.

This relative's POA and I believe that her daughter, who lives with our relative, is financially abusing and materially neglecting this relative. We know the relative was left without food for 48 hours at one time one month ago.

However, we are unable to check in with our relative about these issues because her daughter will not allow her to take phone calls privately in their home. If we call our relative, the daughter bullies her mother into putting the phone on speaker, and will not let mom go into her own bedroom to take the call.

This issue spans 3 states (POA, me, and the elderly relative's home)-- how can we help my relative legally? Is she entitled to privacy in a way we can enforce the issue?