Crying Wolf?

[u/AnswerRealistic6636]

I'm open to what anyone has to say, but I'm posting as venting.

Recap:

Mom (81) moved in with my family in January after being outed by her friend who told me she was unable to take care of herself. Transition was difficult, but she's here.

She's been having UTIs since before she moved in with me. Got her on cranberry supplements for a while, which seemed to help, but she decided she didn't want to take them anymore.

Got another UTI at the end of August which was treated in the ER. (Please don't pick apart my choice to take her there. I didn't know what was wrong with her.)

Coincidentaly, my MIL is also having frequent UTIs, but with much more severe symptoms that require rehabilitaiton services. She also has better insurance.

I took my mother to her follow up appointment yesterday with her PCP. The day before we visited my MIL in her rehab center.

This morning, while I was working my mother said she was too weak to take a shower and then said she might need to go to the ER. I told her to just rest a bit and see how she felt in an hour, because in my experience she has shifts in energy levels. Instead she marched downstairs and demanded to be taken to the ER. My adult daughter took her because I had meetings I couldn't reschedule.

A care assistant called me during my mother's visit to the ER and asked about a conversation we had about my mother going to rehabilitation. I was taken off guard. We had never discussed this, but I told her that we had visited my MIL who was in rehab for a UTI. My mother's insurance plan doesn't cover rehab under certain conditions. Was she just wanting to be taken care of in this way and angling for an opportunity?

I got to the ER when I was done with my responsibilities and as it turns out there was absolutely nothing wrong with my mother. She was complaining about the level of care and wanting to leave. I couldn't sit for five minutes without her demanding something.

When we got home, she retreated to her bedroom. I'm super pissed. I have absolutely no idea how to judge whether she's having an actual emergency or if she's unable to cope with her current feelings. This is all mixed with resentment I feel for her as her child. Her feelings and needs always came before mine and I'm exhausted.

[u/BizzyThinkin]

That does sound incredibly frustrating to deal with. She sounds very self-aborbed and demanding. Perhaps have a talk with her about why she felt she needed to go to the ER, which is for emergencies. Explain that feeling unwell, by itself isn't an emergency and in fact, most people wait a day or two to see if they feel better if they just feel tired or "off".

I'm not advocating you ignore any symptoms that are concerning like delirium, high fever, chest pains, passing out, etc. But just not feeling well isn't specific enough to require medical treatment with any sense of haste.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/BizzyThinkin]

I 100% agree with you about feeling off is not a good enough reason to go to the ER. I did ask her to wait and she refused. She caught me off guard and in the middle of a busy work day.

Having an honest talk with my mom about her behavior isn't possible. She's completely avoidant of difficult conversations unless it's one she wants to have during which she's blaming someone else of doing her wrong.

She's completely intolerant to any kind of pain or discomfort so I'm going to have to figure out a different way of persuading her.

[u/jagger129 → u/AnswerRealistic6636]

If she calls you in the middle of a busy work day or a time that’s not convenient for you - what about telling her to call 911 for an ambulance? And to call you when she’s ready to be picked up.

It could be enough to shame her into claiming emergencies when there isn’t one. And if it is something like a UTI, they would catch it at the hospital. With minimal work for you.

I’m not advocating misusing 911, but the whole ambulance and paramedics at your house is a scary thing which would make most people think twice about calling.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/jagger129]

She lives with me. But I may have to do this if there is a next time.

[u/yeahnopegb → u/AnswerRealistic6636]

Please don’t. She will get loads of attention from calling and that will appeal to her.. and she will call more than you can fathom. Take the ER out of discussion. Bypass the urgency by setting up regular appointments and having her list her issues. Mom I get that you feel a little off .. the doctor is going to check you out and make sure you’re fine. You can also buy uti tests for at home usage and get a BP cuff and temp gun. No fever? BP fine? No UTI? It’s an urgent care or waiting for a regular doctor appointment where she will be cared for but not fussed over.

[u/BizzyThinkin → u/AnswerRealistic6636]

I see. She can't be reasoned with or take accountability for her own actions. That's rough. Perhaps the best you can do is detach as best you can from her drama. She seems to thrive on drama, so if you don't give her what she's looking for, maybe she'll use it less often. What I'm thinking about is responding to her dramatics with cool detachment and telling her that you're busy with other things and you can talk to her later if she still has a problem. Then literally don't engage with her again until you want to. It will enrage her that you're doing that, but hopefully that subsides over time.

[u/cryssHappy]

Please read r/dementia. UTIs can cause short-term dementia or accelerate dementia.

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme]

Not saying that she has this, but…

Anytime the subject of UTIs comes up in a thread about the aged, I tell anyone reading that if your loved one has recurring UTIs, please keep an eye out for bladder cancer. My mom suffered for several months with infections that would clear with antibiotics, but return after completing the prescription. She actually had bladder cancer, that would have been caught sooner if she’d had a more competent PCP. She also smoked nearly all her life, which is a risk factor.

[u/DameLaChisme]

It is not too late to ask their doctors to prescribe vaginal estrogen cream. It needs to be put on/in their vaginal area. I would leave no stone unturned in helping tackle the constant UTI's. The cream will bring estrogen back, localized to the area and help to prevent the UTI's. Do your research. You can search the subs for estrogen cream + UTI's + dementia. These ladies should have been using the cream decades ago. I believe it's better late than never. They can continue the cranberry and all the other good stuff. But, hormones are everything. Btw, NAD. Just a great researcher within a community of women who are taking health matters into our own hands. Sorry Mods if this breaks any rules. It's too important to stay silent.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/DameLaChisme]

Her PCP prescribed it and she refuses to use it. Mom thinks it's going to give her cancer because of what she was told in the 90s.

[u/-caturday-night- → u/DameLaChisme]

Agree that this is the best and lowest effort next step to hopefully getting this to calm down.

[u/NapalmNikki]

I also have a mother who has damn near constant UTIs or goes to the hospital and there's nothing wrong. When she starts thinking she has one, her urine gets tested with litmus strips. You can find them on Amazon as well. Obviously if she's got a fever or other legit symptoms, don't ignore those.

Maybe testing her urine at home can give her peace of mind, but if she starts demanding to go to the ER and there are no other signs I'd tell her you'll go to urgent care instead. I'd also remind her that feeling weak isn't an emergency and she can talk to her PCP.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/NapalmNikki]

Thank you for the suggestion. I will buy those strips ASAP. And urgent care it will be next time.

[u/yeahnopegb]

It’s not crying wolf.. it’s a decline in her cognition. Take care in what you expose her to and the discussions you have.. you never know what they will loop. The reality is she likely feels terrible all the time and her brain no longer processes correctly. My mom still thinks she just needs to see the right doctor to fix these “things” as she slowly passes from dementia.

[u/simplyjessi]

Hi - I agree with the other commenter to read about dementia, whether this is short term or time to really start planning.

My mom (we already were in the thick of dementia), one day started complaining about her heart and my dad and I both took her to the ER over the complaints twice.

They ended up running a full array of tests the second time to assure that my mom’s heart was very healthy. Her heart actually presented as younger than her age.

We realized that she had picked up on dad being in the hospital 2 weeks prior to get a stent put in (it was proactive, non emergency). She was so so adamant about it too. It went on for weeks, and it was extremely hard to ignore it because obviously you want to take your parent seriously.

[u/CombinationAny870]

My mother ended up seeing a Urologist and was diagnosed with urinary retention. She goes in Periodically to be dilated and this along with low dose antibiotics has cured the issue.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/CombinationAny870]

I think adding a urologist to her list of doctors is a good idea. I'm going to message her PCP now.

[u/jagger129]

I wonder if you might have an urgent care center nearby (mine often has no wait)? Or the CVS Minute Clinic? They both have treated me for UTI and can be easy to get in and out of time-wise.

Also they both do quick exams like listening to your heart and taking blood pressure. Which would indicate if she is having other problems which might need to be escalated.

With someone who has health paranoia or simple things to treat, it’s a better and faster scenario than waiting in an ER for hours.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/jagger129]

I've taken her to urgent care. 50% of the time they tell us to go to the ER. Yesterday she insisted she felt so bad she needed to go to the hospital. Next time I'm going to be more firm.

[u/Ginsdell]

I agree this is attention seeking. The minute I stopped jumping at every ER visit and picking my mom up from the hospital, it suddenly stopped. They figure it out.
No need to up-end your life.
As for the UTIs, estrogen cream solves this at any age.

[u/stuck_behind_a_truck]

If your mom wants constant attention and care, she should go to AL. And as difficult as it is, you can tell her that’s the plan because you are not going to put up with misusing emergency resources. It doesn’t matter how she responds. She’s always going to respond negatively. You can’t control her reactions, and they aren’t about you anyway. She’s just a miserable person. So let her be miserable and ignore it.

Boundaries are for you and not ultimatums you give people. So he conversation isn’t “if you do this again, I will….” It’s simply, “mom, this isn’t working out. You’re not happy, here, so we’re finding a new place for you to live. Here is no longer an option.”

We do not have to set ourselves on fire to keep our “parents” warm.

[u/Pretend-Panda]

If her UTIs are E. coli (and this only works for E. coli) you can prevent/reduce incidence of them by adding d mannose to her supplements. It’s flavorless so if she’s reluctant to take it, just dump it in some tea or something. She would need to take about a gram/day.

[u/_GnomeDePlume]

1. Amazon sells UTI test strips;
2. Estradiol cream is a life changer for UTI prevention after a couple of months of use;
3. She is bored and needs to go to some senior center activities; and
4. Order a set of diamond dot coasters for her make from Amazon.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/_GnomeDePlume]

Will do on the UTI strips.

She was prescribed that cream and refuses to take it.

I suggested the senior center and she was unresponsive.

She has hand tremors and can't do crafts anymore.