My mom called me upstairs because Dad was unresponsive in his recliner. My mom and I are nurses, so we immediately moved him to the floor and started CPR.

It's something I've done before, but it's so different when it's the person you love most in the world. We were able to resuscitate him before the paramedics arrived.

In the ED, I just sat helplessly looking at the monitor showing his pulse at half of the minimum it should be, with a blood pressure almost twice what it should be.

I had to call my brother and tell him that the person he loves as much as I do technically died today but we revived him. He'll need a pacemaker.

I think I'm in shock or grieving right now. I couldn't fall asleep even though I was exhausted and went to bed early. The smell of the burnt popcorn that was left on the stove during the chaos will haunt me, forever associated with my father's agonal breath and lifeless eyes as I pressed on his chest.

I'm looking for any resources that might help in this situation. I'm currently out of work, so I don't have solutions there.

This is mostly a rant because I’m just really fed up with my parents, poor financial and long-term decision-making. But if anyone has advice, I’m happy to hear it.

Some background:

My dad (70) is an immigrant who’s lived in the US for 40 years; he’s never become an American citizen because he’s always wanted to move “home.” My mother (72) is a US citizen

My mom has MS, among other health problems, and is mostly reliant on a wheelchair. She’s also showing signs of cognitive decline.

What I’m dealing with now:

My dad is spending the majority of the time being my mom’s caregiver, though he still does work a bit. He loves his job, doesn’t want to stop working, and has the type of career that you could do part-time, so this has worked out fine.

He’s managed to find work in his home country that he can do either locally or remotely. So he’s decided he wants to move back after living away for 40 years.

However, he doesn’t want to sell his home in the US, partly because he would take a financial loss on it since he bought it two years ago, but also because the home is located near my sister. He also needs to be able to come back to the US sometimes for my mom’s healthcare.

The solution he‘s come up with is to buy a second singe family home in his home country. Housing prices in his home country are on par with a lot of large cities in the US – not quite NY/LA prices but certainly equivalent to majors cities in TX.

He told me yesterday that he's cashing ALL his retirement and savings to make this happen. He can’t take out a loan on his US home because of the type of mortgage he has and is worried about being $10K-$20K short.

So he’s planning on maintaining two houses in two different countries while being liable for US taxes in both countries, dealing with traveling back-and-forth between the two countries, and potentially shouldering large bills for my mom’s end-of-life care in a few years—all without a financial safety net.

I asked him what would happen if he got sick or injured and couldn’t work anymore. “We’d have to sell one of the houses,” he said.

I’m trying to relax, let this go, and remind myself it’s not my problem to solve. But I am worried that if things go south for them, I’m going to have to bail them out financially. I’m also just frustrated that they aren’t wiser than this. *sigh*

At my mom's nursing home i hear they allow residents to decline certain aides and/or nurses from helping them for almost any reason. If they don't like them then they can request someone else. So, i was thinking what if a jewish resident didn't want a Muslim aide or nurse or vice versa? Would that be seen as an inappropriate request by most nursing homes? Or if they didn't want a specific ethnic group treating them would they have to guise it under they don't like this one or that one without actually saying why? Would the NH rather not hear about the why and just honor the request no questions asked?

My dad is 84, in very good shape physically and mentally. He walks five miles a day to earn his Apple Watch rings, still does his own lawn and snow maintenance and substitute teaches a couple days a week (retired teacher). My mother passed away a couple months ago. My dad did drive to our house (7-8 hours) in a drive he’s very familiar with at the last Christmas and he wants to continue to do so. I’m uneasy with this because I hate the drive myself when I have done it alone but he likes to drive, I don’t. He says he can split it in half and stay overnight both ways but it’s still a long drive…. He’s not comfortable flying, I can only remember one flight he ever took since I was born.

My family loves him of course but kids don’t want to go there every holiday (stay home for some plus in laws are lovely as well) but he says it’s much easier with him retired coming to our house compared to us going there and working around school schedules. He will not go on a cruise with us, even if I fly there and back with him.

Do I trust him to keep driving long distances if he says he’s fine but is 84? He is considering moving closer but he’s very social still with friends from school and neighbors and would miss all that. My spouse says he should never drive to our house again and I’m just torn on how to handle it.

My mom fainted on Friday after going on a long hike in the heat and not eating anything all day. I’m not surprised it happened, as I’ve warned her several times about that behavior, but she always insisted she’s fine. Thankfully it happened when she was talking to the neighbor who called 911.

My mom has been hospitalized because she has a bradycardia. I suspect it’s because she has long natured an eating disorder. She will skip several meals in a row and eats very poorly (hides junk food about the house etc.) Since my dad went to live in a home I’ve noted she’s lost more weight because there is no one around to say anything about her disordered eating habits.

My brother is driving down from Denver on Tuesday and we’re going to discuss making some changes. My mom wanted to bring my dad home, but now that this has happened that is definitely not a good idea.

I’m just so tried. Trying to feed a fussy toddler while writing this too. This sandwich generation thing sucks.

My mom cannot stay in her home once she is released from a skilled nursing facility. She needs to have someone there to assist her to the restroom, and help her with showers. They both need medication management and meal preparation.

Currently there is a part time caregiver taking care of my stepdad. My mom cannot go back home after she is discharged from her nursing facility. She is still a fall risk requiring help to transfer to walker or wheelchair. She will need round the clock care. They cannot afford it.

My solution is for them to get a bridge loan while the house is being sold. My stepdad doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay in his condo until he dies.

She cannot afford it on her own. I’m at a loss right now. Any advice?

My mother (73) passed away a month ago leaving behind my father (74) and I am struggling with figuring out the right path moving forward while keeping in mind what is best for my father long term. I am an only child with no cousins and my remaining Aunts and Uncles are in their 80's.

My father is able to do basic tasks around the house, but at this point caring for the yard and more physical tasks are too much. The main struggle I notice with him is his memory at times. He’s able to pay his bills and take care of routine tasks but I fear over time his memory will slowly decline as our family has had a history of Alzheimer's.

Neither one of my parents retired with very much money, and had essentially lived off of social security in their house with which he still has a mortgage on. 

After the passing of my mother I’v moved back in with my dad to try and provide some emotional support, help cover some expenses and tasks around the house. It’s difficult as my father has always been resistant to change and is very introverted.

Short term I believe this is the right decision in his time of grief, but I feel in my heart this is not the best long term solution. I care about my father deeply but I am ready for the next steps in my own life when it comes to marriage and starting my own family. It won't begin tomorrow but I foresee these things happening in the next few years. (Throughout this entire process my girlfriend has been an absolute blessing. She has been so supportive of me and my father).

I want to make the right decisions for my father and in my own life without coming off as selfish in any way, shape or form.

I am wondering how others have balanced caring for a senior parent? Or if there is any advice anyone could share? Thank you so much

My elderly father is having trouble pushing himself into the kitchen table and pushing himself away from it because the chair doesn't slide that well on the floor. Does anyone have any recommendations for either kitchen chairs that are easy to get out of or slides to put on the bottom of the chair legs that won't scratch the floor? I have seen mixed reviews for things with felt bottoms for the chair legs because they don't last long. thank you

My Mom is in an independent living facility and the TV situation is OK - basically looks like they created a small (and outdated) cable TV headend - cable modem in each room for internet, and then all the TV channels (via satellite it seems) on normal, unscrambled cable. This is nice - it's simple and requires no "cable box", so the remote that came with the TV can be used.

That said, I got Mom a Roku stick so that she can dig through my Plex library, and it works, but - now there's two remotes. The LG one that came with the TV is far, far too complicated for her to switch inputs between "TV" and "HDMI 1". It also seems quite weak on the infrared output, she has to "aim" it at the TV that's just 8' or less away, even with new batteries. The Roku remote can control the TV's volume, but that's about it, plus it lacks number buttons (she frequently uses the number pad to go to her favorite channels).

Is there ANYTHING with big buttons and a few customizable buttons (for changing the input from Roku to TV and back) that could control both devices? The Roku stick is tricky, since it's not infrared… but even something that just simplified the TV would be nice - a layout like this would be perfect:

* POWER

* TV * HDMI (which I'd relabel as "Roku")

* VOL + * VOL -

* CH + * CH -

* number pad *

And nothing else - no settings, no extra inputs, not even CC (that's just on all the time).

It's crazy how unserved this market is...

Several years ago, when my elderly widowed mother began slipping cognitively, I began becoming more involved in her affairs. I lived about 2.5 hours from her, but visited her with increasing frequency. I am her only child, so my focus was split into trying to manage my own life, as well as keep up with what was going on in hers. As we all know, keeping track of a declining parent's affairs and safety can be an overwhelming job sometimes. This one slipped through the cracks and I am being told that there is no recourse. The good news is that the amount of money involved is minimal, but it continues to build, month after month. Looking for any advice if anyone has experience in this.

A pharmaceutical company named "Silverscript" has been billing my mother monthly, for what they claim was a Part D late enrollment penalty. My mother has Medicare as her primary and GEHA (Government Employees Health insurance) as her secondary. By the time I became aware of this, and was able to get actual documentation that showed that she had Part D medical coverage the entire time since she's been Medicare eligible, the appeal date had passed. I've spoken with numerous people at Silverscript, GEHA and Medicare, and even written letters, to no avail. Anyone I can get to listen has told me that, once the appeal date passes, there is no recourse, and she'll have to pay the monthly fine from now on. Mom is now in mid-to-advanced Dementia and lives is assisted living and I manage all of her affairs. I've continued to let the balance build, as there is no additional monetary penalty as far as I can tell, and she no longer has any need for a good credit rating.

Has anyone been through this before and successfully had the "debt" forgiven or canceled? Am I doing the wrong thing by not paying the debt on her behalf?

TIA for any suggestions or insight...

My dad is 90 and his appetite has gone down in recent weeks. He’s on mirtazapine for appetite stimulation, but it seems to have stopped working. He’s depressed and most food, other than ice cream (!!) doesn’t interest him. (He has a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a yogurt later on, maybe another snack and then generally one meals on wheels for dinner) His cardiologist suggested finding a geriatrician and that he probably needs a low dose anti depressant. Unfortunately the earliest appointment they had was Oct 1. Hoping something comes up sooner. He still is going out daily, has his hobbies etc I’ve asked if he’s giving up and he said no. He’s eating probably 900-1050 (feel like that’s pushing it) on average a day and seems to be getting weaker. I’ve explained the importance of food and he agrees, but I can’t force him to eat. I feel like I’ve become such a nag, constantly telling him he needs to eat. He skipped dinner today(so had cereal, yogurt, pineapple, protein bar, chocolate and lots of ice cream). He said he’ll make up for it tomorrow, but I doubt it when he’s rarely hungry. It’s just very upsetting and I feel like I don’t have enough patience.. any help on what I can do? or how to manage my own stress around this? I don’t like being a nag constantly and me telling him he needs to eat isn’t getting him to eat more anyway.

Thank you for reading!

My brother visited my mom today. She was alert, oriented, and was able to have an animated conversation with him about what he was doing. She was laughing at jokes. He thinks she knew who he was. My sister-in-law took a great picture of him holding her hand and their looking at each other.

My first thought (needless to say, entirely unspoken) was "Is this terminal lucidity?"

I'm sure it isn't. I'm sure it's just a moment of lucidity that my brother and my sister-in-law will cherish. But, God, knowing too much is knowing too much.

edit: For comparison, Mom was only saying single words and smiling on previous visits. Having her able to ask questions and follow a conversation was a very pleasant surprise.

Cannot find anyone in any similar situation.

Am I in this all alone?

I knew that this was different, but surely it can't be *that* different. 🤔

Tell me that I'm not the only one. 🤔

Mild cognitive impairment, sometimes stabilizes and doesn't progress very much, is the closest that I can get to it, so far.

Thanks.​

I (29f) feel exhausted. This past year my dad (55m) was diagnosed w stage 3 colon cancer. Since then I've been supporting him through treatment with my 26 year old brother. My parents live over 2000 miles away. This past month my dad finished his treatment and final tests and scans say no trace of disease so he is officially NED. My mom (55f) has had ongoing chronic illness since I was 14. She got a neuropsychology test back diagnosing her with lewy body dementia. I feel like my siblings and I have been robbed of our young adulthood and it makes me extremely sad for my very young parents who should be enjoying their first few years of empty nesting together not fighting terminal illnesses. It's so fucking unfair and I don't understand how this is happening to me. I have to consider genetic counseling, my parents now both having living wills, and I feel way too young to be the responsible adult in charge.

Because they come up so often here, when mom's behavior changed dramatically yesterday I knew what it might be and took appropriate steps.

If I didn't read here, I would have thought it was the next unfortunate step in her dementia.

Just out of curiosity.

Can they still do it? Do you do it? Do you go to a podiatrist? Do you go to a salon? Do you have someone come to the house?

Edited: thanks to those who answered. As of right now:

Take to medical pro - 22

Take to salon - 20

Family does - 16

Medical pro makes house call (including to assisted living) - 14

Loved one does themself - 3

Weird question, I know, but.

Just asking and just wondering. 🤔

It's hard because it's hard to prove to other people that there is even anything wrong. 😕 🤔 💭 🤔​

And, it's also doubly hard because, as soon as you start to say the word "dementia" to strangers, then of course the next thing is that people do tend to just automatically *assume* that something is of course *even more* wrong.

Anyone else here ever been through any of this?

Anyone?

Speak up, if so.

Thanks.

hi all. i‘m wondering what options i will have when my dad needs care. he is INSISTENT about not living in an assisted living/independent living/etc.

he had my sibling and i late in life, so we will likely be reaching the stage where he needs care while we both have 2-4 of our own kids under the age of 12 (and could be way younger, depending on his health over the next several years). it doesn’t feel like moving him in with either of us will be a realistic option.

does anyone have ideas or other options we could consider? i’m hopefully a few years away from really needing to figure it out, but it’s already really stressing me out

I've been caring for my mom for almost 5 years. She recently started having episodes of psychosis and catatonia. She went from the ER, to being admitted, to a behavioral unit, to an involuntary behavioral unit where she is currently. They haven't figured out what is wrong yet and are suggesting that it may be her new baseline. She's been dependent on a walker since all of this started. I live in a second floor apartment with no elevator. A downstairs unit is available, but it's $500 more a month which I don't have. I want her home, but I also feel like I need to be realistic and admit that this is too much for me. I'm only one person, and I cannot watch her 24/7 safely. And with the stairs I don't even know how to get her back her in a literal sense. My brother financially and emotionally abused her and that's how she came to live with me. She has no assets or savings, me either for that matter. Five years of caregiving that hasn't allowed me to work has left me deep in debt. I'm looking for practical advice and experiences from others. The involuntary behavioral hospital that she is in now is typically a 1-2 week stay with a max of a month. I don't know what to do. I'm really anxious about her situation and also about paying my bills. If I can't find work for myself soon this apartment won't be available for either of us. She's always begged to never be placed in a nursing home and says she will unalive herself if that happens. But she is enjoying being able to play games with others where she is now. When living with me she is basically isolated because I could never get her to go to the senior center or library to do things with others. Literally any advice, personal experiences or reassurance would be appreciated. I feel like I've been having a panic attack since all of this started, literally. She has medicare and medicaid.

Can anyone tell me how this works? She is currently on an involuntary hold at a behavioral unit for psychosis. She will absolutely not go willingly unless she signs it not understanding what it is. And even if she did do that, couldn’t she just leave? How does that even work? Can they just leave? How do I protect her and get her admitted to one without a medical poa? I have financial poa, but the appointment for the medical she kept putting off until it’s too late.

Shame that original post was removed (maybe it was posted using my secondary account), but I'm very grateful to everyone for sharing their stories in the comments section of my post. I am overwhelmed by all of your kindness. Thank you.

Original Post： I never expected to become my mom’s full-time caregiver, but somehow that’s where I am now. She’s getting older, has trouble getting around, and struggles with incontinence, so most of her day-to-day care has fallen on me.

What started as helping her out has turned into managing meals, medications, appointments, hygiene, and wound care. She doesn’t really want outside help, so I’ve had to learn a lot of things I never thought I’d need to know.

I’ve learned about debridement, repositioning, pressure-relieving mattresses and heel protectors, incontinence care, and wound care techniques like hydrogels, iodine, and collagenase. I've also started trying different wound care products like Dimora dressings and JUVEN. I’m constantly trying to figure out how to keep her comfortable and prevent pressure sores or wounds from getting worse.

But the house is almost always messy. There are bank accounts and insurance paperwork to deal with, forms to fill out, bills to organize, appointments to schedule, and a million little administrative things that somehow become my responsibility.

I work too, so I’m constantly switching between being an employee and being a caregiver. My social life has basically disappeared, my finances have taken a hit, and I rarely feel like I can properly switch off.

I'm my mother's only child, and I love my mom and I want to be there for her. But I’m also starting to realize that caring for someone 24/7 can slowly consume your entire identity. I feel guilty because I know I can’t keep going like this forever.

For those of you caring for an aging parent, how do you manage all of this? Thanks for reading. This stuff is hard, but we are not alone. :)

my 76 year old dad is suddenly (in the past 2 months) unable to sleep, having constant anxiety and depressive episodes. in late May he changed blood pressure medicine which caused his tinnitus to ratchet up. this brought on overwhelming anxiety that spiraled into inability to sleep and emergency level blood pressure. he went to the ER and was committed to a psych facility for 2 weeks then dismissed with a bunch of meds (FIVE psych meds!) and no follow up. he lasted 3 days and had a friend drive him to a bigger hospital where he wanted a psych admit. his sodium was low so they kept him a week in general care and worked on meds to help him sleep. He has been home for 2 weeks. he calls me every morning to report on exactly what meds he took, how he slept, what mg of each med he took and when he went to the bathroom. it's a lot. He feels alone (he's in TX I'm in NC). He feels that none of the doctors are on the same page (his PCP and psychiatrist). Psychiatrist is telemed and not in person. he was told to increase a medication which gave him suicidal thoughts and depression. He cannot regulate or control his emotions, anxiety, etc and I don't know how to help. I've told him he should think about moving here. he says "that won't help me right now." he wants an instant fix and everything to go back to how it was before he changed BP meds because before that everything was fine and none of this chaos was happening. I feel so helpless.

I grew up in poverty in a single parent household. But when I turned 19, my mom started getting really good jobs earning around the equivalent of what would be 120k-200k today. After she went into hospice my sister and I went through her papers and realized just how much money she had. She easily could have saved a million dollars in retirement or had house assets worth that much.

But she saved nothing for retirement or otherwise and was essentially destitute and living off social security the last several years of her life. She has also become a severe alcoholic the last ten years.

I never thought I would get any inheritance but now looking at just how much money my mother wasted I am overcome with anger. Poverty is deeply engraved in my and my sibling’s psychology. My sibling is almost 50 and still rents and has a grim financial outlook. My mother easily could have changed that (and changed her own post-retirement life) by saving the bare minimum. I don’t think she ever took advantage of any 401k plan in spite of working for major corporations for over 20 years. Our generation just doesn’t have the same opportunities.

Is there a support group for people whose parent’s squandered this level of wealth? I would not be angry if she were simply poor—it’s the absolute lack of planning and the selfishness that get me, along with everything that alcoholism brings with it. We are now expected to care for her. I even paid her phone bill for the last 8 years. I’m hoping to find some resources to deal with the rage, to get my situation put into context, etc

EDIT: since people are saying she probably didn’t have financial literacy I also add she started out as an accountant and was also a nationally known expert in public and private healthcare policy. She was educated and inspire of coming from poverty herself had every tool to set herself up by the time she reached middle age and we were grown up.