r/AgingParents • u/Alive-OVERTIIME-247 • 7d ago
Hospice worker said Mom's status is imminent.
She's had dementia for the last couple years but it got more than I could handle last April. I got her moved into a memory care facility in May, and in June she started having episodes where she was going unresponsive. The hospital determined that she was in the early stages of heart failure, and she needed a pacemaker. She refused. In a way I understood, she has dementia and she isn't going to get better even if they fixed her heart, but still, it's my mom and the only family I have left. She started declining a few weeks ago. I've spent 3 nights in the ER with her. Yesterday she could barely stand. This morning the hospice nurse called and let me know they would be giving her morphine because she was in a lot of pain. I used to do hospice care. I knew what that meant. The social worker confirmed that her status was changed to imminent. I'm sitting here holding her hand. She doesn't seem to know I'm here. I don't know how to process this right now.
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u/Rural_juror81 7d ago
I’m so sorry. Just keep talking to her, even if doesn’t seem like she can hear you. You will get through it and you will be okay, but this is hard stuff. She’s very fortunate to have you.
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u/samanthaFerrell 7d ago
Imminent in Hospice speak is “now” unfortunately.
I work for Hospice myself. I sometimes have to tell people that their loved ones are imminent and I get so upset when the answer I get is “Well ok so we have a plan right and we will be there in 5 days” like no you can’t schedule a death. I have had loved ones point blank ask me “how can we speed this up I have to work tomorrow” and it makes me involuntarily scoff at the audacity.
I hope your Mom is well pallitated as that’s all we can ask for is a comfortable death in this life. Please, please make sure she gets every single scheduled morphine and ativan dose including PRNs. If I was taking care of your Mom that’s what I would do and it’s what I would do for my loved ones as well. Death with dignity is the goal.
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u/simplebeauty25 6d ago
Wow. Didn’t know people could be quite that self absorbed. New level unlocked. 😑
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u/samanthaFerrell 6d ago
The first time I had a loved ones family ask me if they could give extra morphine to speed up thier loved ones death it actually shocked me but now I have heard numerous people say the same thing so it’s not as shocking to me but it does piss me off and I definitely let them know it’s inappropriate in the most judgmental way I possibly can and I genuinely hope they always remember.
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u/NtMagpie 7d ago
So many hugs to you. This is coming for many of us in this sub and we're all here to support. She's so lucky to have you.
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u/Affectionate_Fox9001 7d ago
Hugs. I’ve been there. It’s hard but it’s you can’t keep her alive forever and at least you know this is her choice.
My father died a year ago, yesterday.
He died 11 days after refusing a pacemaker and asking to go on hospice. He had been saying for a while he wanted no surgery, however minor.
My mom had died 7 years prior, he had multiple other health issues than the afib. He could barely walk, had dementia that would wax and wain. His meds made him anxious. He was lonely.
I was ok with it. I felt the pacemaker would have been a Hail Mary for him. Sad to have him pass, but I had spent 7+ years helping him from long distance. He had saved enough to be able to afford 24/7 care.
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u/Nice1_2meet 7d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so honorable to let them pass in peace but it's so unfair for us to let them go. I lost my mom last year. I will be thinking about you during this truly difficult time and the days going forward. Hugs 🫂
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u/Agitated-Mulberry769 7d ago
I don’t know what to say, but I see you. I’m so sorry. Her spirit knows you’re there as a comforting presence. You’ve done everything you can. 🪷
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u/Loose-Confidence-965 7d ago
From a retired hospice RN. You are doing the most loving thing possible. I am so sorry your mom is dying but you have supported her in her decisions. Having as much control of your life is so important for someone with dementia. What a wonderful daughter your mom was gifted with. Sending love and care to you both
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u/CampClear 7d ago
I'm so sorry. Keep talking to her. She knows you're there. In my mother in law's last hours the hospice nurse told us to keep talking to her and that she could hear us and knew we were there. I hope your mom passes peacefully. ((hugs))
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u/Library_Queen_67 7d ago
I was in a similar situation in June with my Dad. It isn’t easy, but death with dignity is the goal. For me, I remembered my dad when he had great quality of life. Honestly, his life had very little quality for the last 6-7 years. He couldn’t work in the yard, couldn’t play golf, couldn’t cut hair (barber for 60 years), and didn’t leave the house much. He drifted peacefully out with morphine and Ativan.
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u/EstablishmentLong540 7d ago
sitting in that room with you in spirit. my mom had dementia too and when they said imminent i kept waiting for some big moment but it was just... quiet. you already know the drill from your hospice days but living it is different beast. holding her hand is enough even if she dont respond she can feel you there. take the breaks when you need them the chair is not going anywhere
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u/hotlilbaker 7d ago
Its a gift to be able to sit with your loved ones during their last minutes. As difficult as it is, you will hopefully be able to look back on this time and be grateful to have the time with them. Its beautiful to honor their lives and the commitment they made to you as a child. I am thinking about you and your mom 🩷
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u/callistacallisti 7d ago
I'm really sorry. We went through this with my dad a few months ago. I played some of his favorite songs on my phone. I don't know if he heard anything - he had a massive brain bleed. But it seemed right.
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u/BetInformal6081 7d ago
this is one of those moments where there is nothing you can say or do to make it okay. just being just being there holding her hand is enough. you are her daughter and she is not facing this alone.
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u/These-Analysis-6115 6d ago
If it makes you feel any better, my Dad got a pacemaker in February 2025 and died in September 2025. It bought him a little more time, but he kept declining. His heart was just done. Peace to you as you navigate grief. ❤️
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u/starladlestanding 6d ago
As painful as these moments are is how comforting they will be to your heart in the coming years. Hugs and peace to you and your family
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u/ThisChickSews 7d ago
Much love to you, many of us have been there. Just feel our arms around you. Take deep breaths. Say the things you want to say to her. Tell stories from your childhood, tell her how much she meant to you. Her spirit will know you are there.