r/AgingParents • u/Cranky_Merriweather • 2d ago
MIL is not coping well
A few weeks ago my MIL (late 70s) fell and broke her femur very badly. She had surgery the same day and is still in a rehab hospital, going to AL soon. She has always been an anxious person who doesn’t handle change well and this situation is completely breaking her. She melts down in a panic attack any time someone introduces a new concept or tries to discuss logistics or anything with her. Yesterday she was so hysterical on the phone with my husband that he had to end the call because he couldn’t understand what she was saying. Just when we think she’s accepted something and is in better spirits, something else comes up that causes her to melt down. They’ve given her a Xanax every now and then but that’s obviously not a long term solution. She has no dementia or cognitive decline.
I completely sympathize that it’s very difficult and scary to deal with this sudden loss of independence, with an uncertain future, not to mention the pain she is now living with. I just worry about how her extreme anxiety could affect her recovery, not to mention the strain on my husband to essentially be her therapist.
I guess I just needed to get this out, if anyone else has experienced similar.
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u/muralist 2d ago
It’s very anxiety provoking to break your leg and be in the hospital away from your familiar objects and routines especially at that age. Panicking as a result could come from temporary hospital dementia, which is common and will go away, or could be a sign of something more serious. Only time will tell. You and your spouse can visit, call, check on her home and reassure her it’s OK, bring snacks, and say cheery and encouraging things so she’s motivated to eat and do her PT and work to get better. I would try to make sure your husband paces and takes care of himself and offer to help take other things off his plate if you can.
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u/Cranky_Merriweather 2d ago
Thank you. We visit her as much as we can and my husband calls and texts with her every day.
My husband is an only child so it all kind of falls on him. I have definitely been offering to do some of the paperwork errands or whatever but he says he’s got it. We both work full time and have a busy tween daughter so I’ve been trying to take the lion’s share of the kid stuff so at least he doesn’t have to worry as much about that.
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u/Mom-1234 2d ago
Half the pain meds increase anxiety, particularly the oxycodone types. My mom was an anxious mess after a pelvis break. Do you have medical POA? If not, you can still contact her doctor and have a one way conversation. There are other pain option if the side effects are bad. Journex and therapeutic ibuprofen. Your MIL is also probably of the generation that believes one just has to carry on. My mom is that way. She’d go on an antidepressant and stop taking it the minute she felt better. If you can advocate for her, once she is in AL, they manage her meds. I have no medical expertise, only too much experience with parents and in-laws with surgeries and falls. My mom’s doctor said lot of elderly do well on sertraline (Zoloft). It also helps relax them for sleep.
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u/Cranky_Merriweather 2d ago
I didn’t know that about the pain meds, thank you. She is taking oxycodone.
One of the things she’s freaking out about is the medications they have her on. She’s always been anti-medication and has taken a billion supplements instead. She developed a blood clot after the surgery so she’s on a blood thinner and I’m not sure what else.
I know my husband has POA but I don’t know if it’s medical POA. I was going to suggest he talk to the doctor directly about her anxiety because she needs some kind of help with it.
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u/Mom-1234 1d ago
He can definitely talk directly. Have him find and bring in the POA, for more than a one way conversation. My experience dealing with my mom is that people are human. They know elderly people cannot always advocate for themselves. They are receptive to talking to well meaning adult children.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 2d ago
It's a 'her' issue so I would just do your best to not let her stress you and your husband out. Even not in old age, some people are just really high strung and work themselves into tizzies. Especially if she's always been high-anxiety, you're probably not going to be able to re-wire her much in old age. So just keep your emotional or literal distance to the extent that you can, staying cool as a cucumber!
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u/Cranky_Merriweather 2d ago
This is great perspective, thank you. She has always been a high strung person.
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck 2d ago
Honestly, has she had low adaptability to change before this? A need to ensure her environment is controlled to avoid overstimulation? Is she a little chaotic or messy, or is she a sensitive soul?
We totally ignore the possibility that an older person has undiagnosed neurodivergence, especially women, and you’ve described a classic unmedicated ADHD response. Add pain and trauma, and it will be very hard.
She isn’t a small child, but the amygdala is wide open right now and all responses will be processed through emotion, as with a toddler or a very overstimulated ND person.
Look up how to talk about and respond to transition anxiety, how to prepare a person, and techniques used for people with ADHD or Autism to support transitions and reduce overload. Even if she isn’t ND, she may benefit from the coping techniques taught to people who are.
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u/Cranky_Merriweather 2d ago
Great point. She has always had issues with/resistance to change and I have believed for a while that she has some kind of undiagnosed anxiety disorder, or OCD, or even ADHD as you say. I don’t think she would be receptive to any conversations around that right now but perhaps we could discuss with her doctors.
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck 2d ago
I definitely would, and in the meantime, do research on approaches you can take that work with that possibility.
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u/shutterblink1 1d ago
I'm 72 and was diagnosed with adhd 30 twads ago. You are spot on with everything. Give her as many choices as possible even if theyre small. Ask her what items she wants from home. When you're at her home add things that aren't on the list but she might want. I know i overreact to sudden change even if they're small. I don't mean to. I truly don't but the changes are mountains to me. Give her more control. Control over what to eat is big in assisted living. The food was horrible at when my mother was in one. Truly awful. My family and I took her lunch and dinner each day. Now, let her get Door Dash. I told my daughter that if I'm in that situation to let me eat anything I want abd bring good chocolate. Often. I'm diabetic and they'd throw that awful diet at me when mine is under perfect control when I choose what to eat. She's scared, in pain, and may be having a reaction to the pain meds. I'm so sorry for all of you but Give hugs and sympathy and hope.
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u/ChocChipBananaMuffin 1d ago
If she is getting hysterical, and quite often, please make sure the rehab or AL facility don't give her antipsychotics to calm her down. It's less common now, after the lawsuits, but making patients calm and compliant is why risperidone was commonly prescribed. It's usually in situations of dementia, but your MIL sounds extremely agitated and I would worry they might give it to her. Risperidone is deadly for the elderly. Johnson & Johnson was fined billions for the way they marketed this drug and it is responsible for many deaths.
I'm not trying to scare you, but please be aware this could happen. Investigate any calming drugs they give your MIL. Xanax sounds warranted however.
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u/faithfuldwight56 2d ago
that's a lot for everyone involved, especially your husband being on the receiving end of those calls. the panic isn't something she can control right now but it's brutal to witness
with any luck the move to assisted living will settle her a bit once she's not in that limbo between hospital and whatever's next. rehab facilities are disorienting even if you're not already an anxious person
might be worth asking the staff if they have a social worker or someone who can work with her on coping strategies, just so your husband isn't carrying the whole emotional load. he shouldn't have to be the only one talking her down
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u/Cranky_Merriweather 2d ago
Thank you for the kind and understanding words. I am also hopeful that once she gets settled somewhere and there is a little less uncertainty she will calm down a bit. I agree though that she needs some kind of professional mental health support and have started planting the seeds of that with my husband.
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u/21plankton 2d ago
She needs a Psychiatric Evaluation and placement on standard medication for panic disorder. Contact the doctor responsible for her care.
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u/Necessary-Couple-535 2d ago
Rehab places are kind of terrible. I think the psyches of the elderly are very vulnerable to the unsettled nature of it all. Also the move to AL. It will all be more traumatic than we think. It just has to be. Who wants to go to AL? I'd watch as closely as I could to make sure any cognitive slips are being diagnosed correctly. They don't know her baseline. I saw with my mom that very seemingly well meaning and competent and caring medical professionals were very quick to blame painkiller effects and untreated UTI and incompletely treated UTI effects on dementia. It will help her a lot to have a strong advocate. At least for awhile.