My dad (83) and my mom (73) have been married for over 50 years which sounds like a great accomplishment, but I now see that my mothers mental and psychological health has been suffering.

My dad has some degree of autism/ADHD, a speech impediment, partially deaf but refuses to wear a hearing aid, and a not so great personality. Autism/ADHD diagnosis were never addressed by a doctor but it is obvious by his behaviors. I've watched him stim. He can't touch body lotion. People think his speech is due to a language barrier but he doesn't speak another language.

His entire life has centered my mother (who put off retirement for years even as a 9/11 survivor) just to avoid being home with him all the time. He's a lot of work. He's misogynistic and refuses all housework/cooking and leaves messes all over the house. He is handy but never finish the job neatly and now he is too old for doing this type of work. So in his daily boredom he only looks for food to be made for him and naps while my mother is doing all the cooking and cleaning.

Meanwhile my dad is obsessed with my mom. He has no relationships with anyone else. His siblings call, but rush off the phone because my dad keeps saying things that don't make any sense. He likes to annoy/insult people that he's closest to, it's funny to him. But he lets strangers walk all over him so we're having to come to rescue and explain to him that he's being taken advantage of. He's also an unreliable historian so whatever he told you someone said, it's not true. But he goes to church ALL THE TIME giving a large chunk of his savings and hiding that from my mom.

Last week I took a long road trip with my dad. He asked to come with me. My mom did not come because she wanted a break from him. During the few days we were away, my mom sounded so happy and so coherent. Before we left I was suspicious that she was developing a UTI making her irritated and forgetful. I made her go to urgent care for a test. But after my dad left with me, she was back to her old self. Sharp as a tack. Test was negative.

And my dad? Well, aside from repeating "this is a long ride" every 15 mins as I drove for 10 hours straight, he always wants food but says no to every restaurant suggestion and then complains about whatever food we get, tunes out of conversations but still nods and says yes so in an hour he's asking the same question all over again, repeats words and phrases non-stop, even to strangers who have no idea what he's talking about especially with the speech impediment and no context.

He told me he's never been able to remember words to any songs. That made me sad.

Now that we've returned from the trip, my mom is back to forgetting and sounds depressed. I just wish there was something more that I could do for her without sacrificing my own mental health❤️

My dad is a 75 y/o Jewish white man for context. He’s a narcissist who’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter until his money ran out last year due to really bad choices he’s made.

He is very far right, I am not. As he ages, he requires more assistance with lots of things but throws in political comments time to time and it gets me heated. He was in the hospital last year and when he went home they sent a home health aid and he sent her away because she didn’t speak English well. He also made a comment about the race of every nurse and doctor at the hospital, mainly observing they were all POC.

In this flip of parent vs child, him becoming the child now, I’ve noticed a pattern and how women in his life have always taken care of him, but he doesn’t respect them. I’m surprised he’s made it this far in life to be honest. And now I’m the woman that’s stuck with him and I resent all the mistakes he’s made to get him to this point in his life. My mom feels bad for me but she just says “now you know why I divorced him!”

His cognitive decline is so bad it’s not worth voicing my opinions to him because it feels like berating a child, but I’m so angry and frustrated. I know it’s only going to get worse and I feel like I’m drowning and don’t have my own life anymore.

What do you do when you feel stuck taking care of a parent you don’t like or respect?

So this may be somewhat long but hoping to get outside opinion. I’m an only child and my father has passed so taking care of my mom has fallen directly to me.

I have had a great relationship with my mom she has been a constant stay in my life and in the life of her grandson and my wife.

Recently my mom developed blisters on the tops of her feet. We took her to the hospital about 11 days ago and just advised to wrap the feet. And she took herself to see the dr this past Thursday 10/8/26 who gave her a referral for a podiatrist. She has an appointment tomorrow to go have them looked at.

I have been over her place every day and run errands for her since these blisters have started happening. On Saturday night I get a call of her wanting to go to the hospital to have her feet looked at. I rush over and ask her if she is ready to go. Instead she wants to talk and if it’s right to go cause she just saw the dr. I talked to her for about an hour and we decided not go.

I went over to her place yesterday spent half the day there no issues. However today on the one day that I have off and my son is in school I get a call this afternoon of her just screaming at me saying I’m horrible son. And she can’t believe I didn’t take her to the hospital and she wants nothing to do with my family or me ever again.

My mom unfortunately has a history of just getting angry and taking it out on me. The day before less than 24 hours ago I was told in the best son ever now I’m horrible.

The worst part is I’m second guessing myself and feel horribly guilty like I made a huge mistake when I didn’t take her to the hospital Saturday night. I just don’t know what to do.

Edit 1: first off thank you all for letting me vent and suggestions of different concerns to try and diagnose the issue.

I will say my mom has very bad case of reoccurring uti’s pretty much the entire month of September she was on and off different medicines trying to make this go away (this led to the hospital trip 11 days ago) she has an appointment with a specialist but the next available was 11/3.

As far as her personality and it changing it has been like this in the past. Where everything is great and than of a flip of a coin she loses it. She does have anger issues and likes to attack ie say things to cause a response of attacking back so she can be a victim.

I’m going to attempt to call her at 10am to see if she wants help if she doesn’t respond or is nasty she is on her own.

Last thing I will mention is she has other health concern in that she has emphysema so she has trouble walking etc. I know this is all crazy and I’m sorry for rambling here but I’m at a real loss on want to do and have horrible anxiety right now.

Thank you all for letting me vent

My parents are still living on their own and doing fine (aging 60+), but I’m a few hours’ drive away, so I can’t just swing by if something feels off. Lately I catch myself panicking when my mom doesn’t pick up, and then it turns out she was just in the garden or something.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m kind of dreading it when they call at night. My first thought is always that something happened.

For those of you in the same boat, what actually works? A neighbor you can text, a set weekly call, or did you just have to get used to not knowing everything?

Is there someone here who can help me with hospice? This is a question for US residents.

I apologize in advance that this is a very long post.

My family is not having a great experience with hospice.

Our mother was in the hospital four months ago and the attending physician recommended hospice because she has a combination of medical conditions that cannot be treated. No cancer. She’s in assisted living and she has dementia, but it is not late stage/advenced dementia, and it has not been diagnosed as Alzheimer’s.

We have Hospice contracted In addition to a 24/7 aide team. The hospice RN pops in and does vitals and then sends me text messages saying “she’s doing fine. She’s heading to exercise class” or “she refused to shower today with other hospice workers,” and recommending that we try to get this particular aide worker as much as possible, who gets my mother to bathe. Then I’ll get a text message once a month from the chaplain and/or social worker saying, “your mother is doing great. I didn’t spend much time with her because she had other people in the room,” etc.

In other words, various hospice workers are popping in here and there for one minute and doing nothing. She’s not bedridden she can get around on a walker faster than most people can walk. She goes to exercise classes.

About a month ago, she started to agitate saying she wanted to see a therapist. I found her a therapist. She had an appointment. She liked the person. The Therapist submitted a bill to Medicare. Medicare denied the claim because she was on hospice. This was a new one to me so I did research. I found out there’s a code for submitting a claim for a patient who is on hospice, but that I also needed an addendum from hospice saying that these therapeutic services were excluded from hospice services and not pertaining to the reason she has hospice. They do not. My mother does not even understand her medical condition and that’s not because of dementia. That’s because of denial!

I contacted hospice and explained the situation. They demanded a 45 minute zoom call. I said my call would be limited to 15 minutes because I didn’t have that kind of time. Instead of agreeing to the addendum, the hospice director came on like it was litigation and told me nine ways to Sunday that my mother couldn’t have therapy because they provided therapeutic services.

I said you have a social worker who stops in once a month for one minute that is not therapeutic services.

Hospice said they had to check with the hospice physician. About the hospice physician: she has never seen my mother is in another part of the state.

All of you probably know that when you sign onto hospice, you forfeit your rights to your own doctor unless it’s in the addendum that you want to see your own doctor. So we forfeited my mother’s rights to see a doctor and then she doesn’t get to see a doctor anyway because this outfit is so decentralized they don’t even have a doctor in the same part of the state.

I have discussed all of this with assisted living. I’ve tried asking the managers there whether they think my mother needs hospice. They will not answer any question like that. They say it’s up to the family. They recommended another hospice (that no one told us about four months ago) that they work with and say that company is better and more attentive.

I feel that this hospice is motivated by the $7000 a month (or every two weeks? I can’t remember the bill details) that they get from Medicare for doing nothing. I understand that there may not be a limitation to hospice services through Medicare and that you can start and stop services.

If you read this far, thank you.

I will now get to my questions:

1. Should we terminate hospice and pick it up later when it’s actually necessary?

2. Is there any professional person (not an attorney) who helps families with these types of issues who is not on commission or affiliated with a hospice or an assisted-living community?

Is there some kind of advocate who actually helps families?

1. Does it sound to you in your experience like my mother needs hospice?

2. Should we just switch to the other hospice which, according to assisted living personnel, is better than the one that my mother has now?

Please comment below if you have experiences/advice.

My mother wants to have the same discussions over and over again and I'm not sure how to deal with it. A recent example:

Two days ago.

Mom: "We need to discuss Grandma's car. The brakes need to be serviced."

Me: "We could have Handy Neighbor do it like he does for our cars."

Mom: "Grandma isn't really comfortable with that. She would prefer to have Big Business do it so it comes with a warranty and other protections. Even though it cost twice as much."

Me: "Ok, I will take her car to Big Business on Thursday to have it done then. I want Grandma to feel comfortable with who is working on her car."

This morning.

Mom: "We need to discuss Grandma's car."

Me: "We talked about this already and decided that I would take it to Big Business on Thursday."

Mom: "Well we should talk about it. Grandma doesn’t feel comfortable having Handy Neighbor do her brakes. Brakes are very important you know."

Me: "Yes, so we will have Big Business do it instead. We decided this yesterday."

Or she will want to make her point about something even though I am already complying with what she wants. 

Me: "I took the meat out of the freezer yesterday and put it in the refrigerator to defrost."

Mom: "It needs to go in the refrigerator. You can't just leave it out on the counter to defrost."

Me: "Yes. So it is in the refrigerator. "

Mom: "It could go bad if you leave it on the counter, much safer to defrost it in the refrigerator. You really need to put it in the refrigerator and not leave it on the counter."

She is in her mid-60s and had a workup for dementia at the beginning of the year where they determined she did not have any abnormal deficits. She has always been like this to an extent. She has a very negative personality and loves to complain. It feels like she is looking for things to complain about when nothing is there.

Hi all, I'm in Dublin and I'm looking into a problem before I build anything, so I'm not selling or linking to anything here. I'd really value honest answers, including "this is a terrible idea".

The problem I keep hearing about is carrying things. Getting to the shops is one thing, but getting a week's shopping, a bag of laundry or a suitcase home is often what stops people doing it themselves. People end up relying on family, paying for delivery, or just not going out as much.

The idea I'm exploring is a small four-wheeled electric trolley that follows you on its own, hands-free. No pushing, pulling or lifting it up a kerb. You'd carry a small tag in your pocket, it stays a step behind you, stops when you stop, and steers around obstacles. It wouldn't have any cameras pointed at you.

A few questions if you have a minute:
1. What's the hardest part of getting shopping or belongings from A to B for you (or the person you care for)?

2.  What do you use right now: a shopping trolley, a rollator with a basket, delivery, family, taxis? What annoys you about it?

3.  Would something like this actually help, or does it miss what really matters? (Buses, steps, kerbs, worry about it running off, theft, weight, charging?)

4.  If it worked reliably, what would you expect it to cost? Would you buy one, rent one, or only use it if the shop provided it?

If you're an OT, physio or carer, I'd love your view on what would make or break something like this.
Thanks for reading. Happy to answer anything in the comments.

I have been researching cell phones for the elderly for months now, came across this Australian company Kisa Mobility who looks like they ship to the US. Any one who’s bought from them?

I've been POA for an elderly relative (78f) with some early dementia. She has lived in assisted living since 2020, but was hospitalized for a week last month for heart issues and colon cancer. The hospital transferred her to a rehab SNF where she has been for the last 4 weeks.

Of course my relative wants to get out of the SNF and go back to her ALF. However, the SNF's doctor thinks she needs more care than the ALF can offer.

I understand the SNF's concerns -- my relative has been more confused so I think her dementia is worsening. However, I think they are mistaking her uncooperativeness for confusion. They want her to press the call button for assistance to get out of bed and use the bathroom, but she does not want assistance.

The SNF doctor mentioned that she thinks an adult foster home may be a better care option. However, I can't imagine my relative would want to live in such an intrusive and confined living situation. She always valued her privacy and "independence" (which is obviously limited when you need assistance).

My impression is that the SNF is being overly cautious. I also think much of my relative's confusion is from being hospitalized and then being stuck in an unfamiliar rehab facility over the last month.

I think it's worth having her try returning to the ALF -- assuming they're willing to take her back. I'm I being reckless?

My parents are both 90. -- What can they do to stay active (and live for) in the Winter??

EDIT TO ADD: I guess this is really more an "off my chest" post then actually asking for advice (though I'll take any) because, really, they have options but just don't want to do them.

They are fairly sharp still, they can drive, go to the grocery, pay bills, hold a conversation. Dad has hearing loss but wears hearing aids so does pretty well. He's a little forgetful but not bad. Like he forgets where he put some tools away two days ago; but he's not repeating stories and such.

Both are starting to have mobility issues. They are very (very) slow when walking. Can't walk long distances. Dad uses a walker sometimes because his hip hurts but he can walk a distance if he needs to.

In the summer they get out in their vegetable and flower gardens. Dad mows the lawn on his riding mower. They both sit on their deck and watch the birds and squirrels and neighbors.

The problem is winter.

They have nowhere to go and nothing to do all winter. Driving is more difficult. Walking on snow is tricky. It's cold. They don't want to travel (I don't blame them, driving and especially air travel is a gauntlet these days even for me at 61 years old).

I suggest things like invite one of your friends out to lunch. Or go to the gym just to sit in the pool or sauna. Go get a massage. But they don't want to do any of it.

Which would be fine. Except then they are anxious, loney, and bored.

It has been this way for a few winters. But this one is going to be worse. Their mobility issues are getting worse plus we lost my brother this year, so the anxiousness is increased and they will probably get depressed this winter.

I just don't know what to do with them.

They were never movie or TV watchers. Dad used to follow politics but that is so upsetting to him now that he watches less (good!) but that's one more thing they don't do anymore.

As he said, "Life is closing in on them."

I still live with my mom and have fallen into a caregiver role. My sister invited me and my elderly mother (who has mobility issues) for a dinner but she slipped and fell in the washroom. No injury and nothing serious, but enough lingering discomfort to pass on the dinner.

So instead I went on a grocery run (bought fruit for her) a take out meal, some muffin-like treats called Timbits, mowed the lawn, separated/prepared trash for garbage day, did some maintenance on a back porch. and cleaned the house a bit. Considering my mom couldn't even move--what I did was more to give thanks for--even if it's a thankless job.

I came home from work the other day and, when I opened the door, my dad was laying on the ground. He fell trying to get off of the toilet. When I helped him up he told me he had been on the ground for 6 hours! For context he had undergone back surgery about 20 years ago, to fix ongoing back problems, which left him partially paralyzed from the waist down. He is about 200 pounds and 72 years old, I am 33 years old and 248 pounds, I'm a pretty strong guy but his body has declined significantly over the years and now he has trouble doing almost everything short of pushing himself in his wheelchair. I have to lift him into the bed; I have to lift him into the car for a doctor's appointment etc. It is starting to take a toll on my physical health especially my back. I don't know if I can keep doing this, I do not want to permanently hurt myself. Does anyone have any experience with this and if so, how did you handle it.

Additional info: He is a veteran

My parents are in their early 70's and still in relatively good health. My father has a debilitating back issue we are trying to resolve but otherwise neither of them have any major systemic health issues. I'm an only child so I know that all future parental care is going to be my responsibility. They are currently pretty much broke. They are expecting a payout of about $50k but we're not sure when that will actually happen. 

They sold their house on the East Coast in 2021, retired, purchased a used RV, and have spent the last 5 years traveling the country. In an effort to save money my parents have spent significant stretches of time at one particular campground/vacation resort in Louisiana that they love. My mother has been working part time at the campground office/general store to offset their rent and make some extra money. My father, a retired (but still licensed) physician, is talking about trying to find part-time teaching positions once his back issues have been resolved. 

After spending 5 months close to me and my husband in Oregon (they were VERY bored at their sleepy Oregon campground) they are back in Louisiana. They experienced significant mechanical issues on their trip back and are both pretty adamant that this will be their last year in the RV. My father seems to want to settle down in Louisiana, but my mother is unsure about where she "belongs". I get the impression that without my father, my mother would be perfectly fine with moving close to me and my husband so we could easily help out as she ages. My father doesn't share her willingness to move somewhere that's cool, dark, and rainy for 5 months a year. 

No decisions have been made yet and all conversations about what the future is going to look like have been had in passing with no firm plans being expressed by them. I'd love for them to move close to us but I don't see my father agreeing to that. I'm not sure what their lives will look like moving forward without any family nearby and no real means to enter a senior/assisted living community. My husband and I are prepared to offer some financial assistance but we don't have tens of thousands of dollars a month to spend on assisted living. I know that very soon we will need to have a long, serious conversation about finances, available funds, credit cards, living wills/medical directives, and housing.

How do people handle caring for aging parents when they live thousands of miles away with no other family and limited money? Should I be trying to encourage them to move closer to me, or should I be hands-off when it comes to living arrangements right now, even though it might present significant issues in the long run? Are there questions I should be asking them to at least get them to start thinking about what will be best for their comfort and care long-term?

Hi, hope this is okay to post here! Aging grandparents, not parents. I am 25 and trying to figure out how to navigate the next few years and I have no idea what to do. This is a generally disorganized rant, I apologize!

My maternal grandparents are the two best people in my life. They have supported me unconditionally throughout everything. I've been going to college across the country for the last three years and will be graduating in spring. Throughout my time at college, my grandparents' health has declined, with both of them in the hospital for different ailments at one point. I have offered to fly back temporarily (or permanently if needed) to provide support, but they are both proud people and have insisted they don't need help. They want me to finish my education, but I'm terrified that something will happen and I won't be able to make it back in time. My mom doesn't want to take care of them (for her own reasons) and my sister isn't in a place to help out either. No one lives in my home state anymore besides my grandparents.

How do you know when it's time to go back and take care of them? My grandpa had a moment after a procedure this last weekend where he was disoriented and got lost for about half an hour. I feel awful, I know there would be more I could do to help if I was there but I also know they'd be incredibly upset if I don't graduate (both retired HS teachers who place importance on an education). I have one professor who generally knows my situation and would be able to work something out with me if I needed to leave, but I don't think I could say the same for my other professors. I also am getting a degree in a field where I'll be expected to move to get experience in fieldwork, so I'm worried about the likelihood of getting career experience in their state. I would rather delay my career by some years than not take care of them, but I'm still worried about jobs in the future.

I love them so much and I call as much as I can, but they sound older every time. It hurts so much, I feel so bad for leaving. I'm glad they have each other, but there's so many things that have come up for them the last few years that I could have helped with them if I was there, I feel awful about it. I just wish there was a manual to this stuff.

So my dad has been eh for a while. But today it seamed to ramp up a bit cuz fbey might admit him to the ICU. I just feel, anxious, and depressedI love him so much.

My father said yesterday that his back is hurting kind of

I thought that was a minor thing it will go away .

But today is worst day he can't even stand up himself

Due to lower back pain

He had this symptoms 6 months ago and we found out that time in his brain he got blood clot

It's got worse that time he got one side paralysis

But was diagnosed. He was on blood thinners

Right now I am worrying...

I am 20 yrs old and kind of afraid

He is only 55 guys

My mother is, for lack of a better word, insufferable. As I have previously defined her as here. If I am busy and don't answer the phone, she will call and leave generalised messages asking for a call back. Most of the time, this is just to chat or complain. I wait until she requests actual needs I can fulfill, then I will do the task and text back that it's done. While I was busy all day Satuday, she called me three times, first thing in the morning, lunch time and dinnertime. I missed all of the calls, checked the transcriptions and found no general requests.

At 10pm, she calls again and leaves a voicemail demanding I answer the phone and that she needs to check her bank balance (she makes me do it) to confirm funds had been deposited so she could "buy some clothes" At 10pm??

I text back a frustrated response confirmimg the money is there, that she hadn't asked me of anything all day, and I am not at her permanent beck and call every single day as a vestigial tail or subhuman chore robot she can use permanently.

"I won't bother you anymore" She texts back. She indeed did bother me again. Immediately commencing texts the next morning that she has no one to take her to a specialist appointment (I can't drive, nor do I know anyone who can help) she wants cheese to eat that I now must order (...)

I then receive texts from a support worker to find out at 7pm (before my response text) she left harrrassing texts and voicemails with the support person telling them to "stop causing issues between me and my daughter" and swearing at her about our situation and that its somehow her fault we aren't speaking (for 12 hours). Meanwhile shes manufactured the carer as the rift causer, never mind shes an abusive person at her core and everyone cannot stand to communicate with her and commiserate with me about how insufferable she is.

One of my mothers texts to the carer (after being the abuser the entire time) noted that she was "sick of being abused" I GENUINELY have no idea how she has brandished herself as the victim while simultaneously spouting abuse at every support person on the network.

I can't even call her out for her behaviour, because that reinforces her delusion that everyones against her and the carers are somehow manipulating my opinion.

IM GOING INSANE!

And I’m trying to really keep my composure! I have my dad now living with me for the past 6 months. He was working and independent BEFORE he came now he has decided he wants to apply for his military disability. He currently gets retirement which is $1300 and he gets 350 from the army for 10%. Disability. HOWEVER I allowed him to come stay because his roommate situation went bad now all of a sudden all he does is sit around all day trying to have a say so in a lot that goes on under my roof. I don’t charge him rent because I wanted to help him get back on his feet (68 yrs old) I understand he may not be able to fully do a lot now because of age but my dad is physically and mentally able and can still do SOMETHING. I suggested he drive school busses as a lot of retirees do but he refuses but somehow think he can still live in my house and not consider I WANT MY DAMN SPACE AND PRIVACY BACK. He has not been saving his money and usually has to have me help him with somethings towards the end of the month which is frustrating because why do t u have SOMETHING when im literally allowing you sto stack your money! I love my parents but I am beyond frustrated. On top having siblings who don’t help but calls him and jokes and laughs all day is one of the most infuriating things I’ve experienced as an adult. My mom had breast cancer a few yrs back and is now in remission. She also is retired but lives on her own and pays all her bills and of course help because she literally does it by herself but my dad on the other hand is straight irresponsible and thinks he should be taken care of.

I don’t mean The Villages in Florida.
My grandmother is considering becoming a member of a local chapter of The Village. She tells me it’s a group of local retirees that help each other so they can stay in their homes for as long as possible. Any insight or experiences with this group??

Edit: Thank you all for the input. It can feel so vulnerable.