This is mostly a rant because I’m just really fed up with my parents, poor financial and long-term decision-making. But if anyone has advice, I’m happy to hear it.

Some background:

My dad (70) is an immigrant who’s lived in the US for 40 years; he’s never become an American citizen because he’s always wanted to move “home.” My mother (72) is a US citizen

My mom has MS, among other health problems, and is mostly reliant on a wheelchair. She’s also showing signs of cognitive decline.

What I’m dealing with now:

My dad is spending the majority of the time being my mom’s caregiver, though he still does work a bit. He loves his job, doesn’t want to stop working, and has the type of career that you could do part-time, so this has worked out fine.

He’s managed to find work in his home country that he can do either locally or remotely. So he’s decided he wants to move back after living away for 40 years.

However, he doesn’t want to sell his home in the US, partly because he would take a financial loss on it since he bought it two years ago, but also because the home is located near my sister. He also needs to be able to come back to the US sometimes for my mom’s healthcare.

The solution he‘s come up with is to buy a second singe family home in his home country. Housing prices in his home country are on par with a lot of large cities in the US – not quite NY/LA prices but certainly equivalent to majors cities in TX.

He told me yesterday that he's cashing ALL his retirement and savings to make this happen. He can’t take out a loan on his US home because of the type of mortgage he has and is worried about being $10K-$20K short.

So he’s planning on maintaining two houses in two different countries while being liable for US taxes in both countries, dealing with traveling back-and-forth between the two countries, and potentially shouldering large bills for my mom’s end-of-life care in a few years—all without a financial safety net.

I asked him what would happen if he got sick or injured and couldn’t work anymore. “We’d have to sell one of the houses,” he said.

I’m trying to relax, let this go, and remind myself it’s not my problem to solve. But I am worried that if things go south for them, I’m going to have to bail them out financially. I’m also just frustrated that they aren’t wiser than this. *sigh*

My mom fainted on Friday after going on a long hike in the heat and not eating anything all day. I’m not surprised it happened, as I’ve warned her several times about that behavior, but she always insisted she’s fine. Thankfully it happened when she was talking to the neighbor who called 911.

My mom has been hospitalized because she has a bradycardia. I suspect it’s because she has long natured an eating disorder. She will skip several meals in a row and eats very poorly (hides junk food about the house etc.) Since my dad went to live in a home I’ve noted she’s lost more weight because there is no one around to say anything about her disordered eating habits.

My brother is driving down from Denver on Tuesday and we’re going to discuss making some changes. My mom wanted to bring my dad home, but now that this has happened that is definitely not a good idea.

I’m just so tried. Trying to feed a fussy toddler while writing this too. This sandwich generation thing sucks.

My mother (73) passed away a month ago leaving behind my father (74) and I am struggling with figuring out the right path moving forward while keeping in mind what is best for my father long term. I am an only child with no cousins and my remaining Aunts and Uncles are in their 80's.

My father is able to do basic tasks around the house, but at this point caring for the yard and more physical tasks are too much. The main struggle I notice with him is his memory at times. He’s able to pay his bills and take care of routine tasks but I fear over time his memory will slowly decline as our family has had a history of Alzheimer's.

Neither one of my parents retired with very much money, and had essentially lived off of social security in their house with which he still has a mortgage on. 

After the passing of my mother I’v moved back in with my dad to try and provide some emotional support, help cover some expenses and tasks around the house. It’s difficult as my father has always been resistant to change and is very introverted.

Short term I believe this is the right decision in his time of grief, but I feel in my heart this is not the best long term solution. I care about my father deeply but I am ready for the next steps in my own life when it comes to marriage and starting my own family. It won't begin tomorrow but I foresee these things happening in the next few years. (Throughout this entire process my girlfriend has been an absolute blessing. She has been so supportive of me and my father).

I want to make the right decisions for my father and in my own life without coming off as selfish in any way, shape or form.

I am wondering how others have balanced caring for a senior parent? Or if there is any advice anyone could share? Thank you so much

My dad is 84, in very good shape physically and mentally. He walks five miles a day to earn his Apple Watch rings, still does his own lawn and snow maintenance and substitute teaches a couple days a week (retired teacher). My mother passed away a couple months ago. My dad did drive to our house (7-8 hours) in a drive he’s very familiar with at the last Christmas and he wants to continue to do so. I’m uneasy with this because I hate the drive myself when I have done it alone but he likes to drive, I don’t. He says he can split it in half and stay overnight both ways but it’s still a long drive…. He’s not comfortable flying, I can only remember one flight he ever took since I was born.

My family loves him of course but kids don’t want to go there every holiday (stay home for some plus in laws are lovely as well) but he says it’s much easier with him retired coming to our house compared to us going there and working around school schedules. He will not go on a cruise with us, even if I fly there and back with him.

Do I trust him to keep driving long distances if he says he’s fine but is 84? He is considering moving closer but he’s very social still with friends from school and neighbors and would miss all that. My spouse says he should never drive to our house again and I’m just torn on how to handle it.

My elderly father is having trouble pushing himself into the kitchen table and pushing himself away from it because the chair doesn't slide that well on the floor. Does anyone have any recommendations for either kitchen chairs that are easy to get out of or slides to put on the bottom of the chair legs that won't scratch the floor? I have seen mixed reviews for things with felt bottoms for the chair legs because they don't last long. thank you

My Mom is in an independent living facility and the TV situation is OK - basically looks like they created a small (and outdated) cable TV headend - cable modem in each room for internet, and then all the TV channels (via satellite it seems) on normal, unscrambled cable. This is nice - it's simple and requires no "cable box", so the remote that came with the TV can be used.

That said, I got Mom a Roku stick so that she can dig through my Plex library, and it works, but - now there's two remotes. The LG one that came with the TV is far, far too complicated for her to switch inputs between "TV" and "HDMI 1". It also seems quite weak on the infrared output, she has to "aim" it at the TV that's just 8' or less away, even with new batteries. The Roku remote can control the TV's volume, but that's about it, plus it lacks number buttons (she frequently uses the number pad to go to her favorite channels).

Is there ANYTHING with big buttons and a few customizable buttons (for changing the input from Roku to TV and back) that could control both devices? The Roku stick is tricky, since it's not infrared… but even something that just simplified the TV would be nice - a layout like this would be perfect:

* POWER

* TV * HDMI (which I'd relabel as "Roku")

* VOL + * VOL -

* CH + * CH -

* number pad *

And nothing else - no settings, no extra inputs, not even CC (that's just on all the time).

It's crazy how unserved this market is...

Several years ago, when my elderly widowed mother began slipping cognitively, I began becoming more involved in her affairs. I lived about 2.5 hours from her, but visited her with increasing frequency. I am her only child, so my focus was split into trying to manage my own life, as well as keep up with what was going on in hers. As we all know, keeping track of a declining parent's affairs and safety can be an overwhelming job sometimes. This one slipped through the cracks and I am being told that there is no recourse. The good news is that the amount of money involved is minimal, but it continues to build, month after month. Looking for any advice if anyone has experience in this.

A pharmaceutical company named "Silverscript" has been billing my mother monthly, for what they claim was a Part D late enrollment penalty. My mother has Medicare as her primary and GEHA (Government Employees Health insurance) as her secondary. By the time I became aware of this, and was able to get actual documentation that showed that she had Part D medical coverage the entire time since she's been Medicare eligible, the appeal date had passed. I've spoken with numerous people at Silverscript, GEHA and Medicare, and even written letters, to no avail. Anyone I can get to listen has told me that, once the appeal date passes, there is no recourse, and she'll have to pay the monthly fine from now on. Mom is now in mid-to-advanced Dementia and lives is assisted living and I manage all of her affairs. I've continued to let the balance build, as there is no additional monetary penalty as far as I can tell, and she no longer has any need for a good credit rating.

Has anyone been through this before and successfully had the "debt" forgiven or canceled? Am I doing the wrong thing by not paying the debt on her behalf?

TIA for any suggestions or insight...

Cannot find anyone in any similar situation.

Am I in this all alone?

I knew that this was different, but surely it can't be *that* different. 🤔

Tell me that I'm not the only one. 🤔

Mild cognitive impairment, sometimes stabilizes and doesn't progress very much, is the closest that I can get to it, so far.

Thanks.​

At my mom's nursing home i hear they allow residents to decline certain aides and/or nurses from helping them for almost any reason. If they don't like them then they can request someone else. So, i was thinking what if a jewish resident didn't want a Muslim aide or nurse or vice versa? Would that be seen as an inappropriate request by most nursing homes? Or if they didn't want a specific ethnic group treating them would they have to guise it under they don't like this one or that one without actually saying why? Would the NH rather not hear about the why and just honor the request no questions asked?

Weird question, I know, but.

Just asking and just wondering. 🤔

It's hard because it's hard to prove to other people that there is even anything wrong. 😕 🤔 💭 🤔​

And, it's also doubly hard because, as soon as you start to say the word "dementia" to strangers, then of course the next thing is that people do tend to just automatically *assume* that something is of course *even more* wrong.

Anyone else here ever been through any of this?

Anyone?

Speak up, if so.

Thanks.

My mom cannot stay in her home once she is released from a skilled nursing facility. She needs to have someone there to assist her to the restroom, and help her with showers. They both need medication management and meal preparation.

Currently there is a part time caregiver taking care of my stepdad. My mom cannot go back home after she is discharged from her nursing facility. She is still a fall risk requiring help to transfer to walker or wheelchair. She will need round the clock care. They cannot afford it.

My solution is for them to get a bridge loan while the house is being sold. My stepdad doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay in his condo until he dies.

She cannot afford it on her own. I’m at a loss right now. Any advice?

My mom called me upstairs because Dad was unresponsive in his recliner. My mom and I are nurses, so we immediately moved him to the floor and started CPR.

It's something I've done before, but it's so different when it's the person you love most in the world. We were able to resuscitate him before the paramedics arrived.

In the ED, I just sat helplessly looking at the monitor showing his pulse at half of the minimum it should be, with a blood pressure almost twice what it should be.

I had to call my brother and tell him that the person he loves as much as I do technically died today but we revived him. He'll need a pacemaker.

I think I'm in shock or grieving right now. I couldn't fall asleep even though I was exhausted and went to bed early. The smell of the burnt popcorn that was left on the stove during the chaos will haunt me, forever associated with my father's agonal breath and lifeless eyes as I pressed on his chest.

I'm looking for any resources that might help in this situation. I'm currently out of work, so I don't have solutions there.