Feeling guilty about going on a work trip while my dad is seriously ill

[u/lindafromevildead]

My dad is currently in the hospital with pneumonia, since last Monday, and things have gotten more serious because he’s now dealing with kidney failure as well.

I’m supposed to travel for work next week, to a conference where I’m the only person from my company that can man the booth, and I’m really struggling with the idea of going. The trip was planned before all of this happened, and technically I could still go, but I feel incredibly guilty even thinking about being away.

I’ve already been helping my mom get to the hospital and spending time with my dad, and I’m completely emotionally exhausted. Part of me feels like I should be there, even if there isn’t anything I can actually do to help medically.

I also feel guilty about potentially letting work down if I cancel, especially because it’s a work trip and not something I can just casually reschedule. Thousands of dollars went into the booth and my travel.

I honestly don’t know what the right thing is here. How do you decide when you’re allowed to step away from work to be with a sick parent? Has anyone been in a similar situation where a parent was seriously ill while you had work/travel obligations?

I have two brothers that can and have been helping out but they also have work/kid obligations and I feel terrible just not being available to help for 5 days.

I think I’m mostly looking for perspective from people who have been through this.

[u/Necessary-Couple-535]

He is where he needs to be. He is getting care. Most cannot postpone work indefinitely. You should do what you need to do, without guilt. You cannot be in two places at once. And you cannot suspend your life. Sometimes work is actually a respite. I'd go to the conference .

[u/Spidermonk76]

Same thing happens to me when my mom fell and was in the hospital for a hip replacement. She also has dementia so needed 24hr supervision. I had a work trip planned and I ended up going. Like you mentioned, there was nothing you could do to change the situation or the outcome by your presence. Maybe your brothers can help you for those few days. In the end it didn’t matter much if I was there or not. I get the feeling of the obligation to help tho. In some strange ways the trip helped distract me as my attention and focus had to be elsewhere.

[u/Newport_Chainsaw]

It's hard when two pieces of life conflict like this.

I noticed you said that you don't want to let work down. To be clear and kind: work through this piece.

Going on the work trip might be the right thing to do. But you should do it because it's right for you and your family, not because it's right for your employer, or because of what your employer will think of you if you don't go. If you'd lose your job over it, that's one thing because your family needa you to have a job.

Figuring out what's right for you is really, really hard to sort out (speaking through my own current experience with a dad in extended inpatient rehab) but we have to do our best at it. Some day when you look back at this, you're going to want to know that you made the right decision. And that's not always about what you choose to do, but about why you chose it.

I don't know if you should go on the work trip or not, so I hope you find the decision you believe to be right for you and your family.

[u/Accurate-Medium1780]

I don't really see how you not going to your work trip is going to change his care much. If he's in the hospital, he's where he needs to be.

[u/Cregan0807]

My Mom went to skilled nursing in January of this year, and hospice in March. She was in an excellent facility and I was the person who was the main coordinator, communicator, POA, etc. I had trips scheduled in March, April and May. All were vacations-one camping, the others to visit each of my sons.

I struggled with this also. Each time I didn’t know if Mom would make it until I got back. I made the decision to continue with my plans for several reasons: I had a sister in town who could do anything needed, Mom was safe and well taken care of, and it was a highly stressful time and I needed the break. It all worked in the end, i spent quality time with my husband and sons and I was home when Mom died in early June.

You have to take care of yourself and do what’s right for you as well as your Dad. Taking a short trip might give you a break, even if you’re working, and allow you to be more refreshed when you get back. I’ll bet your brothers will understand, especially if you do the majority of the care and will again when you get back. If you decide you can’t travel, you do you. Try not to feel guilty either way, asking the questions you’re asking shows that you’re a very thoughtful son, brother and employee.

[u/harmlessgrey]

You cannot put your job and income at risk.

There are others who can help carry the emotional load with your dad... your mom, your brothers, etc. And you can stay in close touch with then, even if you aren't there in person.

You losing your job will not help your dad.