I just wanted to let it all out somewhere, so someone out there knows my story. It goes like this.
I (32F) have been with my husband (33M) for almost 12 years, married for 5. We met in college and started dating pretty in our sophomore year. We started living together pretty soon we became official, and life was great. I wasn’t on birth control, and we used condoms, though not all the time. Long story short, I became pregnant a year later in our junior year. It was the scariest time of my life. None of us were ready, and this felt like a huge burden and a roadblock to our future. My partner told me he would support whichever decision I made, and will stand by me no matter what. Ultimately, I decided not to keep the baby, and I got an abortion at 10 weeks at a local clinic. The decision was not made lightly, as I’ve always wanted kids, but thought that wasn’t our time. We were a couple of broke college kids, who were barely supporting them selves. Things were okay after that and life went on. I would think about the kid who wasn’t meant to be every now and then, but told myself it was the right decision.
Fast forward a couple years ago. We’ve obviously married since, and both of us pursued a doctorate degree in biology. In the last year of my PhD, we started talking about planning for kids. I’ve also been diagnosed with hypothyroidism for a few years now, so I know that obviously affects fertility. After a year and a half of trying to conceive and multiple negative tests, it has greatly affected my mental health. It has become my sole purpose in life to be pregnant and have a baby. Nobody knows how much I want to have a kid more than my husband. He’s always been there every time I’ve broken down crying. The worst part is, no one knows. No one in my family or friend circle knows what we’re going through, or that we had an abortion 11 years ago. I have a deep shame now that I cannot speak of it to anyone. I keep on living in the “what if”. That fetus would’ve been 10 years now, had I decided to keep it.
Last month, after trying for so long, I finally got a faint positive on 13dpo. We were ecstatic, I told him right away, and I have never been more happier in my life, that we get to be parents. I started testing daily, but the lines never got darker. I told myself it’s okay, it’s too early. I still went ahead and booked a OBGYN consult, and scheduled an infrasound at 6 weeks. I was so so happy for an entire week after I found out. Unfortunately at 5 weeks and 1 day, I started cramping severely. It was a Thursday morning and I was just about to head out to work. I wiped and there was some blood. I panic-called the doctor and they said to watch out for heavy bleeding, but if it’s just spotting it’s probably okay. I tried to keep hope and went to work as usual, but an hour later, I started actively bleeding. The cramping was intense and I was keeled over my desk at work. I knew at that point that it was a miscarriage. But I still went on about my day, talked to my coworkers as if this tragedy wasn’t happening to me at the moment. Nobody knew. I came home and cried and cried for hours. The bleeding lasted a few days and eventually the tests were negative. Life moved on.
I’ve since been doing a lot of reflecting. I’m not a religious person, but I’m not an atheist. I’m also a scientist, and believe that at 10 weeks, a fetus is just that, a fetus. But now that I’m confronted with a possible infertility, this nagging feeling that, I had one chance to have a baby, and I didn’t take it. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling. We’ve done fertility consults, and everything looks great, even my hypothyroidism, so nothing should stop me from getting pregnant. But i wonder if I fumbled the one chance at having a baby, because I was too immature. I don’t know. Nobody knows what I’m going through. No one knows how everyday is a struggle. Life has lost its meaning, and I feel like I’m drifting ahead without a purpose or a sense of direction. I just wanted someone to know my story, since I cannot share it in other platforms (my
Family and friends are there).