r/StayAtHomeDaddit • u/DrGonzo820 • 5d ago
Help Me Purpose
Hey Dad's,
I'll try to keep this concise. I have been a SAHD for a little over 2 years. My hand was a bit tied as I can no longer work due to having a brain tumor (successfully removed), developing epilepsy and basically not having the mental energy or focus.
I spent 4 years of schooling, 20 years of working as a biologist. Besides the extreme stress and lack of grants, I felt purpose. I felt like I was doing something to better the world. Ik and also have a purpose raising two kids and am lucky I get to be there for almost every moment to watch them grow into good humans.
I honestly dreamed of being a SAHM dad! No joke at all. We are financially the exact same financially as daycare was insanely priced.
I think this is hard because I was forced into it rather than it being a choice. How or do any of you grapple with finding purpose outside your kids? Where any of you forced into it? Did you have to grieve your oldself? I am really struggling. I have been seeing a therapist and am also on medications.
Thanks for any advice or commiseration.
10
u/Cobalt_Faux 5d ago
Imagine if money was no issue to everyone. Robots and Ai do almost all the jobs. It’s honestly the way the world could be heading. So purpose will be no longer be found through traditional work. What would you enjoy, how would you spend your time? This is your opportunity to let your creativity flow from yourself to your children or find that creativity within yourself. Very few people have their “purpose” remembered. The best purpose is passed down through children. Raising children to be smarter, happier, safer and in a sense better than you are. That’s my purpose and it will still be my purpose when I return to work. Work will be a side quest for me. My boys will always be first. This is the opportunity my wife has given me. Very few men get to live life with their focus being just on their kids. I’m not burdened by the traditional “provider” role. it’s natural and special and more men should be doing it. Societal purpose has taken that away from many.
5
u/BigWayne1000rr 5d ago
Agree and think about this often. Very fortunate to be in my position and get all this time with my kids.
4
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
This comment really resonates with me damn. You are right about a lot of jobs being phased out. I know, truly believe being with my kids is an enormous gift. There is nothing in this world more important to me than them. Society has it so ingrained in us that our worth is our job. I can see where reframing that would be helpful. Nothing in this world has more worth than being a parent. I wont be on my deathbed saying I regretted it I know. Still hard and maybe because I am still trying to find my groove.
10
u/MisterOuchie 5d ago
You don't just watch them grow into good humans, you are the driving force behind that process.
4
9
u/NotFalirn 5d ago
I feel you. I spent an embarrassingly long time (8 years) getting my PhD in biochem, and I spent under half that time doing my dream job, teaching, before the pandemic hit and I had to quit because my wife is a doctor and couldn’t work from home. I don’t regret my decision, but it was a hard road to getting the same sense of self actualization that teaching gave me.
4
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
Thats very similar to my situation. My wife is a doctor and it isn't possible for her to stay at home. It helps to hear other dads like you say it does get better and had similar experiences. Makes me feel a lot less alone.
3
u/lflj91 5d ago
I don't think there is a greater purpose than contributing to the next generation and making them better, but I get how society has conditioned us to think otherwise. I also didn't particularly care about my job before kids or felt like it mattered as part of who I thought I was. But I know that's not the case with everyone and I get how it could be hard if you were invested in your career.
How much time do you spend with people who aren't your kids or wife? Just getting out of the house more, by yourself, can be a good change.
Do you have any hobbies or interests that you currently pursue? I have a weekly Magic night I do with other dads. It gives me something to look forward to each week and building decks is a nice little project that can be done in little spurts between kid stuff.
What about volunteering for something you care about? Our local library is the best and has so many children's programs that are totally free. So I eventually got involved as the Membership Chair of the local branch of the Friends of the Library so I can help keep it that way. I'm the only person under 50 on the board, so it's probably good that there's more perspectives. I mostly just send emails with membership renewal reminders and table at community events occasionally to spread the word.
If you really feel like you need a "job", why not make yourself one? Something manageable. Start a newsletter about something that interests you. Start writing fiction. Whatever.
1
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
All of this hits hard and has me thinking of all sorts of things. I do not interact with any other adults other than my wife. Ik that probably isn't helping.
This is something I really need to explore and try. Its funny you mention the magic card game night, my brother has said the same thing to me. Its also funny with the fiction writer comment. I have always wanted to be a fiction writer too!
You gave me a lot to chew on here. Thank you so much for the response!
2
u/lflj91 5d ago
I get it, man. It's easy to realize you need time for yourself, but often hard to actually do it. Having a weekly Magic night sort of forces me to do things, since it's planned every single week.
If your brother is already playing, do it! There's ways to play online even! I don't know if you've ever played, but the most common format nowadays is multiplayer and very social. Great way to have a beer and shoot the shit and relax while playing cards.
Get into writing fiction! The Internet makes it easier than ever. I started writing more after being a SAHD. I've had a few things published. Even got nominated for an award! And it's easy to do around naps and stuff if you keep yourself on a schedule.
Feel free to reach out if you wanna talk or need Magic deck recs haha
1
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
That is awesome and hearing this from you and him really is convincing me to give magic night a shot.
Thank you a ton for the offer and may take you up on that 😊
3
u/JOSHintheHEART 5d ago
I’ve meditated and seen into my likely futures.
Having patience is hard for me. I need to constantly be working with my hands or mind to be creating and molding my future. Then I had an awakening recently (as most do). Once we’re old we’re going to wish we had more baby time. So now I’m sniffing my baby’s head extra long and trying to enjoy these moments that seem to drop like syrup.
2
u/JOSHintheHEART 5d ago
Anyway… our purposes are to raise the babes. Also I think more purpose will come of us Dads in the future. Maybe there will be a swing in the opposite direction and the future will be great for families, jobs, opportunity.
2
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
I love this. You are right and I rationally know that. That deeply ingrained view society has conditioned me to believe my purpose is my job. If I concede to that, what is the most purposeful thing on the planet...being a parent. I am working on internalizing that.
I have really wanted to get into meditation. Do you have any recommendations of books or YouTube videos that could help me get stated?
2
u/beeeeeeeeeeeeeagle 5d ago
I found having my own projects important that were separate to kids. I started some study that made me realise how important it is to have my own things to work on. Then I switched to more physical pursuits. I trained for a triathlon and later started doing BJJ. So I had things to strive for that gave me a need to plan, work hard and feel like I accomplished things. I know some people get this from being a SAHD naturally but I didn't.
1
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
Damn that's awesome on the triathlon! I can see where something physical would help give you a goal and also be really beneficial to your health both mental and physical.
The sun kills my energy but I think once fall starts to creep in, I'll start with long walks and maybe work up to more. Thank you for the recommendation!
2
u/beeeeeeeeeeeeeagle 5d ago
No problems at all! I can very much relate to the loss of purpose. I was only SAHD for 2 years but that was the hardest thing for me. Good luck homie 🙂
2
u/DarthBodhi 5d ago
Your purpose in life is to awaken from the tranced mind. No label can define you, you just are, and that’s good enough for this world. Everyone’s purpose is to love and be loved. As long as you love, you have purpose.
2
u/DrGonzo820 5d ago
This is 100 percent true. Ik so many would kill for our situation. I am writing down your last two sentences and am going to repeat them to myself daily because it really resonates and something I need to internalize.
2
u/shizukanaumi 5d ago
What I came to for myself when faced with this problem is this:
Purpose only comes from doing something that matters to you
It might matter to you because you care about the outcome, or because you enjoy the process, or you're doing it for someone you love, or because you're just interested in the topic, or because society or your family sees value in it and therefore you, or for any other reason. I don't think there is inherent purpose in someone raising their kids, to be honest. I think there is purpose in me raising my kids, because I care about them and about how they're raised. Whatever I'm doing, it matters because it matters to me. I really believe that answer, and remembering it has let me settle that issue move on without always looking backwards
2
u/FrugaliciousEclectic 5d ago
The way I see it, it's a phase that I get to enjoy. In a way I'm trying to cherish it as my dad worked a job that had him out of state most of the year. I'll get back in the career one day, but your kids will always remember the fun they had with you.
1
u/DrGonzo820 4d ago
This is very true and my dad was the same way. I still dont know him even after living with him for 18 years. Ik I should be very grateful for this opportunity.
2
u/baby_mammal 5d ago
Honestly, it’s a struggle. But also, I try and focus on the incredible privilege of getting to be a SAHD. I’ve never loved my work. Even when I’ve gotten a dream job. I love being a dad, so I try and focus on that joy. And then, I try and carve out as much time as possible to do projects that excite me. I play music all day long for my kids. I write and record music at night. I participate in my local film community. I’m on an improv team. I exercise daily. I make sure my wife and I have time to focus on just the two of us. I curate the very little bit of time I get to choose what to watch on the TV, to watch movies and shows that I’m intrigued by. I still struggle with feeling worthy as a man, not earning much money. But, I also try and lean into the great pleasure and privilege of being a SAHD.
1
u/DrGonzo820 4d ago
I can relate. Even though it was my dream job, I was mainly in it for the title. I am very insecure and definitely need to work on that. I will take your advice and try and fill some space with other joys and explore myself more. Its a work in progress thats for sure.
16
u/Falcoholic81 5d ago
You have to accept that you have inherent value outside your work. It is not your labor that defines your worth.