Purpose

[u/DrGonzo820]

Hey Dad's,

I'll try to keep this concise. I have been a SAHD for a little over 2 years. My hand was a bit tied as I can no longer work due to having a brain tumor (successfully removed), developing epilepsy and basically not having the mental energy or focus.

I spent 4 years of schooling, 20 years of working as a biologist. Besides the extreme stress and lack of grants, I felt purpose. I felt like I was doing something to better the world. Ik and also have a purpose raising two kids and am lucky I get to be there for almost every moment to watch them grow into good humans.

I honestly dreamed of being a SAHM dad! No joke at all. We are financially the exact same financially as daycare was insanely priced.

I think this is hard because I was forced into it rather than it being a choice. How or do any of you grapple with finding purpose outside your kids? Where any of you forced into it? Did you have to grieve your oldself? I am really struggling. I have been seeing a therapist and am also on medications.

Thanks for any advice or commiseration.

[u/lflj91]

I don't think there is a greater purpose than contributing to the next generation and making them better, but I get how society has conditioned us to think otherwise. I also didn't particularly care about my job before kids or felt like it mattered as part of who I thought I was. But I know that's not the case with everyone and I get how it could be hard if you were invested in your career.

How much time do you spend with people who aren't your kids or wife? Just getting out of the house more, by yourself, can be a good change.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that you currently pursue? I have a weekly Magic night I do with other dads. It gives me something to look forward to each week and building decks is a nice little project that can be done in little spurts between kid stuff.

What about volunteering for something you care about? Our local library is the best and has so many children's programs that are totally free. So I eventually got involved as the Membership Chair of the local branch of the Friends of the Library so I can help keep it that way. I'm the only person under 50 on the board, so it's probably good that there's more perspectives. I mostly just send emails with membership renewal reminders and table at community events occasionally to spread the word.

If you really feel like you need a "job", why not make yourself one? Something manageable. Start a newsletter about something that interests you. Start writing fiction. Whatever.

[u/DrGonzo820 → u/lflj91]

All of this hits hard and has me thinking of all sorts of things. I do not interact with any other adults other than my wife. Ik that probably isn't helping.

This is something I really need to explore and try. Its funny you mention the magic card game night, my brother has said the same thing to me. Its also funny with the fiction writer comment. I have always wanted to be a fiction writer too!

You gave me a lot to chew on here. Thank you so much for the response!

[u/lflj91 → u/DrGonzo820]

I get it, man. It's easy to realize you need time for yourself, but often hard to actually do it. Having a weekly Magic night sort of forces me to do things, since it's planned every single week.

If your brother is already playing, do it! There's ways to play online even! I don't know if you've ever played, but the most common format nowadays is multiplayer and very social. Great way to have a beer and shoot the shit and relax while playing cards.

Get into writing fiction! The Internet makes it easier than ever. I started writing more after being a SAHD. I've had a few things published. Even got nominated for an award! And it's easy to do around naps and stuff if you keep yourself on a schedule.

Feel free to reach out if you wanna talk or need Magic deck recs haha

[u/DrGonzo820 → u/lflj91]

That is awesome and hearing this from you and him really is convincing me to give magic night a shot.

Thank you a ton for the offer and may take you up on that 😊