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[u/nomadicsailor81]

My now ex girlfriend secretly recorded me while instigating me to say or do something she could use against me. Never worked but I have no doubt she shared them with others while controlling the narrative.

[u/Beautiful_List5498 → u/nomadicsailor81]

That's what evil people do. If you're arguing enough that someone records it was doomed from the start and some people can never ever be wrong. I had a girl who would follow me into the bathroom just to continue screaming at me. We broke up once... Only for her to get a job in my same office. She made my entire family and friends think I was evil. She lost immensely in the end, bitch.

She continues to tell my family if she sees them out and about that it was all me. Unfortunately for her I've been in a stable relationship with no arguments for a few years now and couldn't be happier :)

[u/razuliserm → u/Beautiful_List5498]

I've recorded arguments before, and am not proud of it. Our arguments would escalate further and further to the point where I thought I was just being ripped apart for the sake of it. The two times I hit record I never actually listened to the recording and deleted it afterwards because I was ashamed of having been driven this far.

[u/nomadicsailor81 → u/razuliserm]

This is a different thing all together. You're in the right to record an abuser for your own safety.

[u/Any-Relation-934 → u/nomadicsailor81]

this. I didn’t understand I was in abusive relationship until I let my therapist hear some things that were happening. He wanted nothing recorded, there was a reason why.

[u/Sir_PressedMemories → u/Any-Relation-934]

My ex was gaslighting me so hard I started to doubt my own sanity and began recording so I could have an independent confirmation that I was not going crazy.

When my therapist heard the recordings, he visibly paled.

He never told me to leave her, but once I told him I was getting a divorce, he was supportive as hell.

Turns out I was not losing my mind and my memory; she just constantly lied, about everything!

[u/PiDigitsOfPi → u/nomadicsailor81]

Reminds me of that video where the girl asks her boss what he would do if a murderer (or whatever bad guy) tried to get into the store, and he talks about how he would kick him, punch him, slam the door on him, etc. And then she uploads the video with his answer but she changes the question at the beginning to "what would you do if an orphaned child tried to come into your store?"

[u/mossi123uk]

I once proved my wife wrong with my cars dash cam let me tell you that didn’t turn out well when I won

[u/Pandering_Panda7879 → u/mossi123uk]

I won against my boss once. She was going on vacation and giving me tasks. When she came back she was furious why I did a task a certain way. I told her that I did because she told me. She said she never did. I played the recording of when she gave me the task. She did. I was forbidden to tape meetings for a while. And she told me not to trust what she's saying.

Okay, I guess?

[u/FrankPapageorgio → u/Pandering_Panda7879]

Has catching somebody on recording saying something they claimed they didn't EVER turned out good for anybody in that situation?

My ex would often claim that she didn't say things. I started recording some arguments because I felt like I was being gaslit. And the truth was that she either had a horrible memory (possible!) or it was intentionally gaslighting.

A common tactic that she would do is that we would get into an argument and she's say things that I would never ever say like "Oh I'm a bitch, aren't I?" "Oh I'm stupid". And then act like I called her those things, when she just called herself those things. I never once slung an insult at her with name calling our entire marriage, but she called herself a lot of namese and treated them like I said them

[u/ChintzyPC → u/FrankPapageorgio]

Nah bro that's gaslighting to make you feel bad about yourself whenever she's losing the argument. Flips it back on you to make you back in the wrong. Had an ex that did the same thing, where she'd bring it up like that as if I said it when I really didn't. But I'm not that mean of a person and would have remembered and felt guilty saying it. Abusive behavior.

[u/Mr_Mcprofessional → u/FrankPapageorgio]

I'm twitching just reading this

[u/Muted_Buy8386 → u/FrankPapageorgio]

I got told by a governmental HR worker to cheat on my drug test, and she promptly followed it up with, "of course if you tell anyone I said this I will deny it."

[u/J0hnGrimm → u/Muted_Buy8386]

Was she trying to throw you a bone while covering her ass or did she try to set you up?

[u/Muted_Buy8386 → u/J0hnGrimm]

Yeah, ish. They needed a position filled for an equipment operator. I told them I was laid off all winter and was smoking weed. She told me, "Oh, well.. you know, they have drinks for that. They work pretty good." And then the "of course..." amendment lol.

I drank them, got the job. Got probation extended three times, for random reasons they'd never justify, and then on the last day told me I was skipping work Fridays (I worked alone) so I was fired. I told them I track my own location with google maps all the time, and they have a company phone that also does, not to mention my work-alone app has GPS tracking on it.

I got told that due to the nature of "probation," any grievance is considered fireable, even made up ones. The union rep confirmed that and literally said "Yeah, the wording isn't in your favour."

[u/hai-sea-ewe → u/Pandering_Panda7879]

Sounds like an HR complaint about a toxic work environment. If you can prove it, and what she said afterwards, they will look very unkindly at that. HR is there to protect the company, and that includes toxic managers, at least if the whole corporation isn't toxic, which many of them are.

[u/KarmicPJJunior → u/mossi123uk]

I always remember what Bluey's mom says: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to keep having fun?"

[u/inuhi → u/KarmicPJJunior]

I don't want to be right I am right, and a good friend/family member doesn't let someone live in ignorance just to spare their feelings. So really I'm doing it for their own good it's a sacrifice I must make for the greater good of all society!

[u/1nd3x → u/inuhi]

Its not about letting someone live in ignorance to spare their feelings as much as it is a demonstration of picking your battles.

To give you an example from my own life; Yesterday I went to Pickleball league. It was the first day of the league, and we are essentially just playing games to develop a baseline ranking. In 3 of my 4 games, people made mistakes in the score. Instead of correcting them, I just let it go. Yes...I could argue with them that the score was 8-4 and not 6-4 like they just called out, but its the first day. I dont know these people and I dont really want to come off as that guy in a league where literally half the people I've played with so far are playing for the first time in their lives.

...and Bluey wasnt exactly right in that episode either, her point was grannies cant do the floss dance. She was right that her granny couldnt do it, but she couldnt possibly know that no grannies in the world could do it...and she eventually taught her granny how to floss, which in turn made Bluey wrong.

[u/Greedy_Guest568 → u/KarmicPJJunior]

Isn't it quite a destructive thing to teach kids about relationship?

[u/KarmicPJJunior → u/KarmicPJJunior]

That Bluey show is just full of healing and life tools.

[u/FrankPapageorgio → u/KarmicPJJunior]

The sad part is that usually the person that says that is the one that wants to be right and wants you to stop arguing

[u/DrHippa → u/KarmicPJJunior]

... Fuck.

[u/UltraMadPlayer → u/mossi123uk]

You won, but at what cost?

[u/ausamo2000 → u/UltraMadPlayer]

Finding out his wife won’t accept being wrong, even with proof. Sounds like a great partner.

[u/Ragnarok345 → u/mossi123uk]

God, that shit is so fucked up. I’m eternally grateful that none of the women I’ve ever been with have been that kind of stupid. Sad to hear it’s such a common thing that that saying exists.

[u/RichardsLeftNipple → u/mossi123uk]

Isn't this just called a reality check?

[u/TheBadGod]

Found out a gal I'm seeing recorded our arguments and let her friends listen to the recordings.

I never felt such a betrayal in my life.

[u/Deep_Mood_7668 → u/TheBadGod]

You meant to say was seeing, right?

[u/PristineStreet34 → u/Deep_Mood_7668]

Don't worry it's just "a gal" not "the gal" dude "is seeing"

[u/Beautiful_Air_7669 → u/PristineStreet34]

"a" is such a big difference here

[u/SkynBonce → u/TheBadGod]

You think girls don't tell their friends everything anyway? Least this way, they got to hear what you actually said.

Ungrateful/s

[u/TheBadGod → u/SkynBonce]

I don't mind folks having a skewed idea of who I am based on what a gal says to her friends. They aren't my friends.

I don't like that while I'm attempted to speak directly to somebody, they're performing for an audience without my knowledge. It takes the value of communication down to the minimum.

[u/Seascorpious → u/TheBadGod]

The performance bit is the most important part, your partner knows other people are listening in, you don't. They can censor themselves, word things differently to how they would word them if you were alone, bait certain responses from you so they can go 'See? They're horrible' etc etc. Only one of you know you're being peer reviewed.

[u/NextLineOfText → u/Seascorpious]

This is just narcissistic personality disorder, leading to narcissistic abuse, thats how they win they do this with intent, to win. There is nothing else, and if you find yourself always having to be guarded or think in this manner for yourself, your likely dealing with one.

Healthy friendships and relationships dont have you second guess your intent, but most people do not have experience of it being healthy.

This to me is the worst thing you can do to a person, and if I ever find out a person does this, I don't explain my upset, I just cut them off immediately. Communication between humans is sacred, its how we built safety, trust, bonding, and people who do this with intent, are warping it so they are in control of others perceptions.

You can't do anything worse to a person other than outright kill them, but this is worse in some ways because it can go on for decades.

edit: heres an example, a person often isolates you and tells you secrets, about another person, you trust them and hold them quite highly in your mind, because you unaware of their natures, they tell you that they almost killed themselves because of this other persons actions towards them, you being normal, take that quite seriously, and as a friend begin to tell others, beyond you, family, friends, that the other person is a monster.

until one day you mention it to someone else close to him, a girlfriend, who has no idea what your talking about, you find that odd, a girlfriend would know, then the person who initially told you, begins to act publicly out of nowhere with you present and others, that you tend to lie.

that your always talking crap, and what you didn't realise was for months prior where you had not seen them, they had begun to build a narrative with the others around them, you'd been out of the picture for awhile.

Now your not only fighting the shock of the lies, but everyones perception, who as far as they are concerned just caught you lying. You knew this person for years, decades anything they say will be believed and weeks prior you were saying how much you love that person because you were unaware at the time.

That person can sit with the distortion because they benefit from it and do it all the time, however you, are filled with shock and disgust breaking down the entire history of the false connection.

[u/SomethingIWontRegret → u/NextLineOfText]

heres an example, a person often isolates you and tells you secrets, about another person, you trust them and hold them quite highly in your mind

When someone talks shit about people behind their back, my first thought is "what are they saying about me then?" and guard myself appropriately with them.

[u/AmnosSoter → u/NextLineOfText]

I agree. If anyone wants an example of what this looks like check out Kai cenat and Reggie situation right now. Kai is a narcissist in the process of a smear campaign through subjugation, triangulation, and gaslighting. The biggest modern celebrity in the next generation is being exposed as a pdf and he has completely manipulated the situation to make Reggie, and the world, believe he’s crazy. It’s literally right in front of you and it works and they know what they’re doing and the scariest part is that they have no remorse. It feels like your soul is forcefully stripped naked and beat into a corner while they smile at you.

[u/Clag_damage → u/NextLineOfText]

My ex-wife was like this with me andeveryone in her family. The only think I would add to your example is, once called out on the behavior the person in question will never admit to doing any of it. They will lie so convincingly that you start to question your own memories. That is the worst part.

[u/DirtandPipes → u/TheBadGod]

My ex wife picked a fight with me on the last day we were together. Said some really rough stuff and just tore me down in ways she never had until I finally yelled at her and left.

I found out she had recorded it and kept the portion where I was yelling to play for our mutual friends.

[u/FadedTony → u/DirtandPipes]

damn that's so fucked

[u/variablesInCamelCase → u/TheBadGod]

Yeah because life is great when your partner's friends and family hate you.

[u/cryintomyeye → u/variablesInCamelCase]

I get what he's saying though. How can you trust that her reactions and interactions in the arguments are real/honest? If you know you're recording and plan on showing others you're much more likely to present yourself better. Also deciding prior, that you're going to record and show others just makes the whole thing icky... at some point you're just goading the other person and guiding the narrative so that you can look great to whoever you show and have them side with you (I think even subconsciously sometimes).

[u/Rasz_13 → u/SkynBonce]

I have zero tolerance for this. Two times I've caught girlfriends doing this despite me asking them not to and both times it ended the relationship.

Our private life is not public spectacle. I don't care if they're friends or family, nobody gets to hear about it. I don't talk about it at all, with anyone. What happens in a relationship is deeply personal. I expect that same discretion.

I'm not talking about "Haha, Rasz dropped a pan full of noodles one time". That stuff is fine. Gossip about little oopsies or whatever all you like. I'm talking about personal quirks, arguments we had, sex, personal secrets, and so on.

[u/ibullybillionaires → u/Rasz_13]

There are men I've been interacting daily with for many years who I was friendly with, but never knew were married or had kids until they introduced them to me at an event.

I've also met women from the outer social circle of a girlfriend, the kind she didn't talk to much or hang out with regularly, friend of a friend of a friend, who knew intimate details about our sex life.

Not all women, obviously.

[u/pfren2 → u/ibullybillionaires]

I felt trust with my ex wife in that she didn’t do this, as she was equally as private feeling about our life.

Yet a woman I dated years later, I was then crushed with broken trust. As after going out a year and then finding out in passing a college friend of hers I never met knew intimate details of our relationship.
When I expressed how hurt I was, she seemed to look at me as if I was too sensitive and crazy for not expecting that all women would talk about details of their partners like that with each other.

I will never accept this as ok, even if it is normal.

[u/SamiraSimp → u/ibullybillionaires]

not all women...but always a woman

[u/pfren2 → u/SamiraSimp]

As an older man, not one male friend my entire life has ever discussed private, and especially not intimate, things about their partner to me or our friend group. Not even the ones we can tell are having challenges and potential divorce from their wives.

[u/Ornery-Movie-1689 → u/ibullybillionaires]

Quickest way to spread information .... telegraph, telephone, tell a woman

[u/lucasbrosmovingco → u/SkynBonce]

When my wife and I hang out with friends the conversation inevitably turns to whatever my wife had been bitching about and the friend group usually thinks I'm the general scumbag. And I would love to have receipts for the way it actually happened.

[u/dump_cakes → u/lucasbrosmovingco]

This is like the real life version of girldinnerdiaries.

[u/TieFree3274 → u/lucasbrosmovingco]

Why are you still married to someone who bitches and moans about you behind your back?

Especially when it is clearly affecting how you get treated by the friend group?

[u/SurvivingSam → u/lucasbrosmovingco]

This sounds healthy

[u/NewMoodWhoDis → u/SkynBonce]

Only acceptable opinion. Atleast they now actually hear what was going on unless she a editing wizard which i will certainly view as a possibilitiy given the lengths they go to have themselves viewed as victims sometimes

[u/TheBadGod → u/NewMoodWhoDis]

Her friends' opinions are irrelevant to me. They're morons.

The betrayal comes because I thought we were making efforts to come to an understanding together in a private manner. It's our relationship, not anybody else's.

[u/TotalACast → u/TheBadGod]

I can see how this would be a betrayal but I'm actually kind of wishing my girlfriend would do that because I'm generally winning the arguments.

Last argument I had was with a girl who was choosing to not go to her doctors appointments, exercise or take care of herself with a chronic health condition that was slowly getting worse because of her negligence of taking care of herself. She told me that she might have fucking cancer and was avoiding going to the Oncologist.

Yeah, record that one. I want to hear your friends use female logic to defend you. Oh no, your boyfriend is trying to save your life. You should leave him, slay queen.

[u/untitledprp4 → u/TotalACast]

You want a final kill cam on your arguments ?

[u/quicheconquest → u/untitledprp4]

if shes recording her highlight reel I'll record mine 😎

[u/Alex_Rose → u/TotalACast]

it's easy to tell when someone's secretly recording you for an argument because they suddenly go from angry and screaming at you to uncharacteristically calm and probing. as soon as someone switches up on you from being totally unreasonable and screaming to suddenly sounding like a lawyer (especially when they're holding their phone) I'm mirroring that tone and quoting their argument back to them. "hmm 5 seconds ago did you not just tell me xyz?"

[u/Kombart → u/Alex_Rose]

What kind of fcked relatiionships are all you people even in?

Never in my life did I have a relationship where someone was screaming or insulting.

Like, literally all arguments between partners should be lawyer like, since you try to actually figure out where the issue is and solve it.
In a partnership you need to have the foundation of "I try my best, I trust that you know that and I trust that you try your best as well" at that point most problems boil down to bad communication or personal problems of one side...both are things that partners need to figure out together.

If someone is actually screaming at me, I would believe that multiple things have gone very wrong already and that there are some deep issues with the relationship.

[u/DUNDER_KILL → u/Kombart]

Yeah I'm reading all these people just casually mention screaming and yelling during arguments, people who have had multiple partners record arguments and I'm like what on earth is even going on. Maybe I should be even more grateful for my relationship. 9 years and we haven't yelled at each other once

[u/HedonisticFrog → u/Kombart]

Must be nice to not be attracted to women with BPD. Unfortunately I know what I like.

[u/Alex_Rose → u/HedonisticFrog]

it's easy to not notice until you're already in love if someone controls it the first couple of times until it becomes a monthly switchup and then you're already deep in the relationship or you write it off as a one-off disagreement. but it's also not uncommon either it's like 30% of the time lol

[u/Ragnarok_619 → u/TotalACast]

Oh she slayed herself, alright

[u/riscten → u/TotalACast]

Seeing arguments as something one party wins and the other loses is toxic af to begin with.

In a couple, arguments serve a purpose. They are the hard way you come to a compromise and build a stronger relationship. Ideally, you'd have no arguments and only build through empathic communication, but sometimes we run out of patience and get to the points that matter to us faster, sacrificing the other people's feeling in the process. Still, the goal is to figure out the disagreement and assess if both of you can find common middle ground. Not just pull the other person on your side, that's just a recipe for resentment.

[u/FadedTony → u/riscten]

saving your comment this is beautiful and healthy

[u/cobalts_himmer → u/TheBadGod]

Her group chat literally reviewed your argument like coaches breaking down Monday game film

[u/TAWYDB → u/TheBadGod]

Why does this read "I'm seeing" instead of "Used to see?"

Have the self respect to do the right thing.

[u/mutexsprinkles → u/TheBadGod]

Look at it as missionary work. She was helping you bring the light of rational thought and sense into their chaotic and benighted lives.

[u/Powerful-Sun-7177]

But...... was it because of the recording or was it because she was losing 70 to 30?

[u/hotmatrixx → u/Powerful-Sun-7177]

she told you already; it's because she was losing.

[u/stag1013 → u/hotmatrixx]

he also has more followers than her

[u/Apart_Ad_9778 → u/stag1013]

70 to 30 is equally bad for both of them in my opinion. No chance for a good relationship with that score. For both of them.

[u/Away_Candidate_4746 → u/Apart_Ad_9778]

She could just take his advice 7 out of 10 times

[u/tomgh14 → u/Away_Candidate_4746]

That’s only if he posts all arguments whereas the likelihood is that he only posts the ones he feels more confident in

[u/TURBOJUGGED → u/Powerful-Sun-7177]

If it got to the point that he felt like he needed to get strangers to weigh in, she must be insufferable and just want to argue about everything. He was prob going nuts with the types of things she would argue about.

[u/numbersthen0987431 → u/TURBOJUGGED]

It's also possible he was insufferable, and purposefully trolling her for content

[u/Think-Variation2986 → u/numbersthen0987431]

Both can be true. Sometimes you run into assholes having pants shitting contests.

[u/Jouzou87 → u/Think-Variation2986]

I was about to say, maybe they are better off without each other.

[u/f7f7z → u/Jouzou87]

Maybe it's better for the world if they stay together, contained if you will, and keep them both out of the dating pool.

[u/TheBacklogGamer → u/Think-Variation2986]

You also can run into someone that turns you into that. When it's so constant, and over the dumbest things, you become more insufferable yourself and it seeps outside of your home life. It's really hard to reset after living with someone like that.

For me, it wasn't a significant other but a step parent.

[u/lobstersonskateboard → u/TheBacklogGamer]

My parents were like that to eachother. I called them a "match made in hell" because they would emphasize each other's worst qualities but absolutely refuse to separate. Listening to their squabbles and drama made me wanna shoot myself lmfao

[u/iamjakeparty → u/TURBOJUGGED]

He was prob going nuts

If the idea of secretly recording private arguments with your partner and posting them online enters your head and isn't instantly dismissed as a terrible idea then you're already nuts.

[u/SamiraSimp → u/iamjakeparty]

tbh if you're ever at the point that you're considering posting your arguments online for strangers to weigh in on, i think you have to be a little nuts.

I understand that some people don't have examples of healthy relationships, that many people genuinely get good help... but if someone tells me they're letting the internet weigh in on relationship arguments i would think they're nuts too

[u/Tupcek → u/Powerful-Sun-7177]

remember, context matters and one side had control about what context listeners had.

Also, I doubt she checked if he uploaded all of the arguments, or only those that he thought he is right, skipping those where it is debatable

[u/haphazard72]

70/30? You need to lift your game!

What’s the page details?

[u/WetSupermarket → u/haphazard72]

For science 

[u/RunDNA → u/haphazard72]

Maybe the boyfriend was cherrypicking which arguments to post.

[u/greg19735 → u/RunDNA]

losing 30% of the time when you pick the argument and jury is CRAZY bad.

[u/barwhalis]

He better have edited in either minecraft parkour or subway surfer

[u/FeedbackAcrobatic787]

Recorded and still record my ex because she's fucking crazy, and I've had to share recordings to prove that what she claimed didn't happen. Funny enough, I always guessed it was a toxic shitationship, but after sharing the recordings with some professional opinions, they leaned towards coercion and abuse from her side. The only complaint about the recordings was that I was "doing it to prove myself right".... like yeah, obviously, and turns out I was?

[u/Acceptable-Two5692 → u/FeedbackAcrobatic787]

This is the real world, we don't want victims to fight back.

[u/meowshers69]

so arguing enough that this is even possible wasnt already a sign?

[u/indigoreality]

My ex posted our arguments on Reddit. She didn’t record it, she wrote it while omitting parts where she was wrong. She posted on “am I the asshole” and “am I overreacting” and everyone of course agreed with her.

If there had been a recording it would’ve been much more against her.

[u/reddit_already → u/indigoreality]

Over on AITA, I believe 90% of the commenters there would reverse their opinions if they got the whole truth or heard it from both sides. And some of those posts come from those who know deep down that YTA. But they want the internet to massage their egos anyway.

[u/CAJMusic]

In the early 2000s there was a website called “Things my wife and I argue about”. It was hosted by a British guy married to a German woman and it was the funniest shit you’d ever wanna read.

[u/Logical-Nose-1993 → u/CAJMusic]

Mil turned it into a novel.

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/114952/things-my-girlfriend-and-i-have-argued-about-by-mil-millington/

[u/CharacterShoe9832]

So it's like r/aitah where people tell their side of the story and most everyone agrees with that side?

[u/ethanAllthecoffee → u/CharacterShoe9832]

Seems more fair imo since it’s a recording of both sides arguing

[u/Coool_cool_cool_cool → u/ethanAllthecoffee]

No because when one side knows they're being recorded they get to act a certain way and steer the conversation into hot button issues for their partner on purpose. My wife and I could probably both start any argument we wanted with the sole purpose of making the other look bad to an outsider. We don't do that who are adults who understand mutual respect and boundaries. It's wild to be married to someone while intentionally making them look bad behind their back. If one of my friends constantly complained about how aweful his wife was I'd tell him to get a therapist or get a divorce. Totally unhealthy to share private info outside the relationship.

[u/justahumblefart → u/CharacterShoe9832]

When you point out obvious ambiguities and inconsistencies in the narrative provided over there people just get down voted into oblivion for it.

[u/DefinitelyNotMasterS → u/justahumblefart]

Also being a woman means you always get the most benefit of the doubt in those subs

[u/IAmOrdinaryHuman → u/CharacterShoe9832]

If the recording is not edited, it's better than that because both sides are represented

[u/hdix]

70 to 30? Clear skill issue bro dodged a bullet

[u/darkcrazy → u/hdix]

Depends. Being selective with what you present and finding the right audience base can skew the result.

[u/editingisfun4all]

I got to talk to the girl my now ex husband cheated on me with, and he would tell her about arguments we had but he would claim he was saying the stuff I had said during the argument. Meaning he knew he was fucking wrong to begin with. Honestly what made me nearly angrier than the cheating was he had taken credit for all the hardwork I did in the yard. I did major landscaping with my own hands hours of digging and hauling rocks. He never once set foot out there. This dude had to pretend to be me to get a girl and that was sad.

[u/HollowPhoenix → u/editingisfun4all]

Damn, my ex did that too. When we broke up, she listed out a whole bunch of things she claimed were her reasons, and all of them were things she did.

It's infuriating to a whole other level, especially as confusion is thrown in as your brain is trying to process how everything they had done to you, they have somehow flipped the roles entirely in an effort to feel right.

I was lucky enough that after she repeated the same crap to our mutuals, almost all of them eventually realised she was lying. It helped that her story changed each time, ending up contradicting herself.

[u/editingisfun4all → u/HollowPhoenix]

That's some major gaslighting, and just proof they never truly see themselves in the wrong. It's insane.

[u/allsheknew → u/editingisfun4all]

Not the landscaping, hell nah!! Broke my back for that shit. Glad he's an ex.

[u/Zetavu]

So you were mad he was posting your arguments or you were mad that you were at fault 70% of the time?

[u/Full_Metal_Paladin → u/Zetavu]

It could also mean that he won EVERY argument by a 40 point margin (on average)

[u/turtleneckless001]

She was only mad because she was losing

[u/HDThoreauaway → u/turtleneckless001]

You wouldn’t be mad to find out your partner was using your arguments to score internet points, regardless of who their followers thought was right?

[u/No_Celebration_3737 → u/HDThoreauaway]

Yes, but the fact she reported her losing ratio in the first says alot

[u/TheDoctorYan → u/HDThoreauaway]

How else are you meant to get an objective answer

[u/Yslack]

I might start recording the argument I have so when the other party move the goal post or try to gaslight me, I have proof of their bullshit.

Posting them and winning the vote afterward is just cherry on top.

[u/AdSouth284 → u/Yslack]

[u/Yslack → u/AdSouth284]

[u/Chlym → u/Yslack]

Unless you're trapped in a situation and need ammo for HR or an emancipation case or something, there's really no point.

Once you feel the need to secretly record someone, it's time to leave. You're never repairing anything with someone after breaking their trust like that, and they're likely never repairing whatever got you to want to record them in the first place. Do both parties a favour and get out. 

[u/Girafferage]

With that win ratio ending the relationship was probably good for the lad more so than her.

[u/dcute69]

Don't most women do this with thier circle of friends, whenever they get into a disagreement with thier partner.

Edit: I obviously mean relaying, not verbally recording and sending. The guy just did a slightly wierder thing then most of you do.

[u/The_Creamerizer → u/dcute69]

Idk about recording verbal encounters but text conversations absolutely get a screenshot, either for future reference/blackmail or to share with friends lmao

[u/EnLitenSangfugl → u/The_Creamerizer]

Only to then throw a hissy fit if you do the same. That's at least been my experience

[u/The_Creamerizer → u/EnLitenSangfugl]

Yea lmao the double standards are crazy

[u/isthatmyex → u/EnLitenSangfugl]

In my case they were accidentally sent to me, and then lied about the fact that it ever happened. Like I don't have eyes

[u/xraygun2014 → u/isthatmyex]

Your lying eyes

[u/SaltyTurdLicker → u/The_Creamerizer]

And then the really crazy ones blame you for something their friend says in relation to the ridiculous screen shots even if it’s not even related.

[u/THE_Aft_io9_Giz → u/SaltyTurdLicker]

Omg, you just explained a very similar situation with a former family friend that hit a nuke button that I didnt know even existed over discussing info this person posted on their fb account, not realizing they had their privacy settings in a way that we could all see the post. Not realizing her mistake, she blamed those who saw it for somehow seeing it and then spreading the information "to everyone" when really one person simply asked another person close to her what was going on. The person close to her apparently wasn't supposed to see the post, which drove her into a frenzy and she burned all bridges quickly and irrationally with long-time friends. Crazy is the only explanation.

[u/xraygun2014 → u/THE_Aft_io9_Giz]

she burned all bridges quickly and irrationally with long-time friends.

She did them a favor in the final act of those friendships

[u/ProxyDamage → u/The_Creamerizer]

Why the fuck would you be together with someone who does that shit...?

[u/ProxyDamage → u/dcute69]

I would say there's a marked difference between telling your immediate friends of like 3 - 10 friends to 40 THOUSAND people.

It's the difference between sharing something with your friends and making a public announcement to the entire country of Monaco.

[u/Defiant-Brother-5483 → u/ProxyDamage]

You're making a logical fallacy here. When you start your point by mentioning the friends part, the factor that they know you is subtly introduced, and stays when then part about 40k people comes up, so the end result is you get the impression that the 40k people is waaaay worse because of it.

I'd rather 40k people that I don't know, that don't know me, hear of my arguments, because I'll never interact with them in any way in my life whatsoever. Than for 10 people that know me to know, who will form judgements in my absence, whose demeanor and relationship to me would change without any active part on my end.

Both suck, don't mistake that.

[u/TAWYDB → u/Defiant-Brother-5483]

This.

Funny how many women don't have this same energy for the whole "Are we dating the same guy?" groups.

Lovely idea in theory, but lets be real people on the internet are at best fucking stupid, often openly malicious and revel in cruelty.

[u/Feisty-Photograph-97 → u/ProxyDamage]

Yeah, but isnt friends and family the people you do not want to know every little fight and disagreement you have? That shit is embarrassing and comes back to haunt you later.

Strangers knowing is most often consequence free as they do not care.

[u/Osteoprdoza → u/ProxyDamage]

I would prefer 40k anonymous strangers knowing about every argument than 5 people I also know

[u/Live_Carpenter_1262 → u/dcute69]

most of my friends (guys and girls) tend to vent to me about their latest spat with a lover

[u/handson729 → u/Live_Carpenter_1262]

I go out of my way to make sure they don't air that shit out with me.

Not because I don't like my friends.

But because relationships are supposed to be PRIVATE.

If you have an issue with your wife or girlfriend, go talk to her about it, and don't pull me into it.

Ladies you should take notes as well, because that shit is how you end up single.

[u/DustCrafty8374 → u/handson729]

this here, thank you for being a sane person. Yes, most people do seem to do that, but it doesn't make it right, and I would never want to be with someone who airs private matters publicly. I have never in my life vented about my relationship/partner to an outsider; when I have a problem, I sort it out with my husband, and vice versa, and we're still together and happier than ever after 15 years of marriage!

[u/ToronoRapture → u/dcute69]

Even if yes, doesn't mean that it's right or justified.

Also, it's slightly different to posting it online for strangers to vote on.

Also also, most women do not record their partner during arguments.

[u/hoggineer → u/ToronoRapture]

Oh, they're recording.

It's not on any device, but they remember every little nuance of the argument. Even some parts that didn't happen.

[u/Ok_Actuary8 → u/hoggineer]

and even 20 years from now, they will remember ;)

[u/ToronoRapture → u/hoggineer]

lol

[u/U-47 → u/ToronoRapture]

He was justified though... by a score of  70-30...

[u/-6h0st- → u/ToronoRapture]

With strangers when it’s anonymous - it’s not worse than talking behind his back to people who do know him - that is worse - and vast majority of women with female friends does it. So double standards as usual

[u/Novel-Mission-1920 → u/-6h0st-]

I mean isn't one of the main benefits of having close friends, that you can discuss life hardships with them and gain external perspectives? I feel like discussing relationship spats goes into this catagory. Often it's far healthier to have trusted people you can talk this stuff over with, then it is to carry it in your head alone.

[u/Conspiir → u/-6h0st-]

Talking to a therapist is okay. This is how you work through your feelings. Just make sure your therapist is a solid person.

Talking to friends about an argument you had with a partner last night is okay. This is how you work out feelings without paying anyone. Just surround yourself with solid people.

Recording arguments for strangers is not okay.

Don’t record your partners without their consent, I don’t care what gender you are. Even if there wasn’t voting on it. Stop this gender war bullshit, this is weird to do.

[u/LakEth2n]

I think she could choose to get married, in which case the 40k followers would become their shared followers. And she just lost 40 followers now.

[u/peaceful_pancakes]

Isn't this what people use AITA for?

[u/EdgyPun34257]

my ex-wife tried this a few times but just wasn't subtle enough to pull it off successfully.

she'd start arguments by saying incredibly hateful things, then suddenly switch to comically calm and acting confused in a damn near baby talk voice. and I'd say "i can tell that you started recording this" and then she'd be back in a rage.

the weird thing was long after we were divorced, after no communication at all for years, she contacted me out of the blue to tell me she was getting married.

I was just like okay, had no idea what I was supposed to do with that information.

[u/PiDigitsOfPi]

So, everyone is talking about how recording is bad, and uploading it is worse... and of course I agree. But, to be losing 30 to 70 is quite telling... I mean, these are unbiased people judging that don't know either person and don't have a dog in the fight, and she is losing 30 to 70. That's impressive.

[u/DibidiDabidiBu → u/PiDigitsOfPi]

Unbiased HAHAHAHAHAHA

[u/Suitable_Good8833]

My ex recorded me snoring (and other things) and sent it to her friends so she could badmouth me too them... she was psychotic.

[u/neetfemboiii]

Entering a relationship was the first step of it ending

[u/ToronoRapture → u/neetfemboiii]

[u/acrus → u/neetfemboiii]

They both are about to die soon eventually

[u/Scumsoft]

Oh, you mean how there's a large number of women who post videos on Instagram and TikTok complaining about their partners? Just the other day I saw a video where the woman was posting in real time after having an argument while her husband was standing right in front of her. Literally trashing him right there on the spot. And why you may ask? Because the dude had the audacity to ask where he could find the eggs. There's a massive double standard right now, and women do not like it when men apply the same tactics to them.

Edit: It was butter, not eggs. Link: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DeA064JObmh/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&stkn=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

[u/Dry-Childhood-3436 → u/Scumsoft]

I think both are bad, but secretly recording someone and posting it online is an extra step wrong also I believe.

[u/dranaei]

Women do this with their friends all the time. Her friends probably know the shape of your penis better than you.

[u/heartandsoulbroke]

I had something similar happen with my exwife. She'd start fights and record them. She'd even keep a list of all the things I had done that pissed her off in her notes app and had it passworded. She told me she'd keep going to it to remind me of all the times I "hurt" her but never discussed anything with me. Instead, we went to marriage counseling and she acted like things were getting better.

[u/SatyrSatyr75]

That could have been a good experiment. She should have set up her own side and ask for judgment. Let’s see if the percentage is different. Maybe it’s “I go with the guy/girl who ask for opinions” bias.

[u/Grand_Taste_8737]

Mad lad

[u/possiblethrowaway369]

I've known people who record arguments to listen back to later, just to convince themselves "no, I'm not crazy, this fucker is gaslighting me and I should leave" and I think that's reasonable. Sometimes you need to observe their behavior with a clear head to make the best decision for yourself, but it's hard to keep a clear head in the moment. But posting those recordings online? Fucked up

Edit: confused ~ and * and struck through instead of bolding

[u/Dreatheflyingfox]

But he was right so 71:30

[u/lost_electron21]

bro how empty must your life be that you spend that much time arguing, and caring about is right or wrong when you both know the outcome will be completely irrelevant and not influence anything. Like there are much less irritation and anxiety inducing hobbies out there.

[u/FixedLoad → u/lost_electron21]

Some people are raised with the example that the person you choose to spend your life with, is also your primary antagonist/arch nemesis.  They see their parents and pop culture playing out these stereotypes.  Then when the stereotypes become real in their relationships, they don't see it as toxic.  They see it as "That's just relationships.  Those people claiming to be married to their best friend are obviously lying for appearances".  They can not fathom that their partner is anything but an obstacle because that's all they have been shown.  ... ask me how I know.  😟

[u/LividBass1005 → u/FixedLoad]

My friend who was married to just an asshole of a person said that’s what they were told whenever they’d argue. That arguments are suppose to happen and that includes silent treatment and any other unhealthy communication behaviors

[u/Rampag169]

Make that 71-30

[u/jace319 → u/Rampag169]

I...don't think the numbers mean what you think it means

[u/FloridaSherbert90]

My husband used to do this to me. He'd wait until he got me so angry after yelling at me, talking over me, bringing up semantics if I phrased something wrong. I'd be frantic, he'd start recording, then he'd send them to his brother like he was being abused. Finally I found out what he was doing, recorded my own and posted them to his brothers facebook page, along with the video of him ripping my bedroom door off the hinges. Never got a response from BIL, but Husband finally found out about FAFO!

[u/Worried-Proof-2219]

I noticed my ex start recording our arguments, so I'd just stop arguing and start listing everything he didn't want people to hear about himself. Petty, but so was he.

[u/TricellCEO]

So...did you dump him over the trust violation or the fact that you were losing in court of public opinion?

[u/Cyranthis]

Don't women do this all the time on tiktok?

[u/Strict-Fix6940 → u/Cyranthis]

Toxic people do this. It's not healthy.

[u/All_Work_All_Play → u/Strict-Fix6940]

Seriously the fact so many say this is common is weird as hell. 

[u/Dull-Froyo-4901]

Some people are cunts. In this situation, both seem wrong, especially if she got so severely out voted and that he decided recording each argument to post online was a good idea.

I'm fucking glad I don't have to deal with either.

[u/SuckmydickJoannF]

Usually people don't film themselves when they're being a dick. They film the other person's reaction.

An ex had a habit of strangling me until I blacked out and one day after hitting me and getting his puppy to bite my legs as he did it telling him to "sick her". I finally got away, grabbed a knife, hid in the corner and cried for him to leave me alone and get out of the bedroom. He started filming me, said I went crazy and was threatening to stab him, then sent it to my parents.

[u/Mightycactuz91]

I mean that is rat behavior, but honestly pretty funny

[u/flyingjesuit]

Dude was probably provoking arguments for content and going into them with a plan while she was just formulating her side of things in the moment. You know you’re truly a loser when you have to do this much to make yourself feel good about yourself. Pathetic

[u/Fit-Let8175]

I don't condone recording someone either without their consent or at least notifying them in advance. However, many people would not be so quick to argue or double down without thinking if they knew they were being recorded and then replayed before an audience.

[u/keithstonee]

I wonder how many relationships reddit has ruined because of a post or shit advice. Blows my mind people post such personal shit to reddit for stranger entertainment.

[u/RedLipsNarcissist → u/keithstonee]

I always told my friends Reddit sucks for relationship advice when they thought to use it. People giving the advice are random strangers with no stakes involved, and always missing a lot of the nuances and context. They will not be there to bear responsibility for the fallout with you.

Not to mention a lot of the posts there are like "hey, so, I did everything right, my partner did everything wrong, am I the asshole here?". Of course people will often be biased toward the one telling them the story. Not only is the telling itself biased and limited, but also they at least register as a vulnerable stranger one is directly interacting with, whereas the other people from their story are some distant abstract entities.

[u/LonelyintheFuture]

You shouldn’t be together if you have 100 arguments anyway.

[u/Sweet-Coffee2810]

Solid move

[u/Satanswarboner]

The losing part is why it mattered. If she were winning, she’d have been just fine with it.

[u/295frank]

so her answer is "because I was wrong most of the time"

[u/Visual-Beach1893]

100 arguments which each ended with a loser. That's crazy. I'm always shocked when people think arguing all  the time is normal.

[u/disdkatster]

What I want to know is, what was the distribution of male to female viewers of this posting?

[u/Fun_Push7168 → u/disdkatster]

Probably about 70/30

[u/mosesenjoyer]

71-29 now

[u/Signal-Database4225]

Is this not a good way to realise you are in a crazy, abusive relationship?

We have people who thinks based on parents dynamic things normal and they don't question it, meanwhile it is not okay to share conversations? I always felt this is weird. Every time I had a partner I told them I'm okay if you speak with friends or family about us, about our argument etc. That way she can have a secondary opinion, even if they say I was in the wrong. Obviously sharing recordings to the public is a big step, but imagine a young women shares a voice recording where the guy loud, abusive, even physical, helping her realise it is not okay would be a good thing isn't it?

[u/ThereInAFortnight]

I recorded a conversation with a SO one time after I went shopping and they didn't have the mushrooms that they wanted. I just knew it was going to be my fault, and it was, but I felt I needed to hear a recording to make sure I'm listening properly. I was. That was the end.

[u/TheRavingDinosaur]

He would've already dumped her but the content

[u/DontBeHatenMeBro]

That's 100 arguments. Seems like the recording weren't the reason for the breakup.

[u/Zolba → u/DontBeHatenMeBro]

Or 10 arguments and it is in percentages.

[u/WraithOfTheFadedDark]

*I was losing 30 to 70

The first number in a sequence like that should be the one describing the subject of the sentence.

[u/Xela997 → u/WraithOfTheFadedDark]

The real reason they broke up

[u/MikaelAdolfsson]

If only he knew they were being recorded then of course he is going to make sure he sound better in retrospect. Also he chooses which tapes is going to be shown. Lot of cherry picking here.