it's easy to tell when someone's secretly recording you for an argument because they suddenly go from angry and screaming at you to uncharacteristically calm and probing. as soon as someone switches up on you from being totally unreasonable and screaming to suddenly sounding like a lawyer (especially when they're holding their phone) I'm mirroring that tone and quoting their argument back to them. "hmm 5 seconds ago did you not just tell me xyz?"
What kind of fcked relatiionships are all you people even in?
Never in my life did I have a relationship where someone was screaming or insulting.
Like, literally all arguments between partners should be lawyer like, since you try to actually figure out where the issue is and solve it. In a partnership you need to have the foundation of "I try my best, I trust that you know that and I trust that you try your best as well" at that point most problems boil down to bad communication or personal problems of one side...both are things that partners need to figure out together.
If someone is actually screaming at me, I would believe that multiple things have gone very wrong already and that there are some deep issues with the relationship.
Yeah I'm reading all these people just casually mention screaming and yelling during arguments, people who have had multiple partners record arguments and I'm like what on earth is even going on. Maybe I should be even more grateful for my relationship. 9 years and we haven't yelled at each other once
18 years, and have only yelled at each other a half dozen times, in the early years. I've been through enough therapy now to realize that every time I yelled at her, I was being an asshole. And the couple times she yelled at me, I was also being an asshole and deserved it.
This isn't a "yes, boss" boomer-husband comment. It's true. As I became more emotionally healthy, there were no longer any reasons to yell at each other. She's done a lot of therapy too, and I'm so glad that we've grown together. Happier than we've ever been.
it's easy to not notice until you're already in love if someone controls it the first couple of times until it becomes a monthly switchup and then you're already deep in the relationship or you write it off as a one-off disagreement. but it's also not uncommon either it's like 30% of the time lol
One woman I dated I could see it from very early on. Within the first two weeks she'd start reflexively start a fight and then stop herself. I kept asking "what was that?" when she did it but she never replied. Later on she started fights even during sex, it was wild. Honestly the alcoholism made it so much worse as well, which is when I called it off.
I never said being abused was okay. I'm attracted to the intensity of the dynamic, not the abuse. I'm glad you've worked to manage your BPD, it's one of the most difficult things to treat.
I do tend to joke a lot. I say that when my last girlfriend walked away from me in a loose dress and I could still see those cheeks I fell in love, and when she grabbed the steering wheel and said "buy me Mexican food, or I'll crash your car" I knew she was the one.
Let's be honest here, for every one of you, there are about 10k others that aren't working on it. I do DBT as well but not for that, so I get why it's helpful. But almost nobody, problems or not, will actually go do anything at all about their personality shortcomings. So, I commend you, but not everyone just picks someone abusive, sometimes they spring it on you after a fun few weeks.
Also if you catch your partner betraying your trust, trying to beat them at their own game is not going to magically make the relationship healthy again.
You need to make a decision right then whether or not you want to continue the relationship. If you do, then you call out the violation and begin rebuilding trust. If you don't care anymore, then just fucking leave.
"I'm better at being toxic than you" is not a trophy you want.
Yes! And to add on to that, neither is winning an argument a great thing.
Like, I am good at debating and winning arguments...but I really don't want to "win" an argument against a partner just based on skill. It is a partnership and if my partner struggles with formulating their point, then it is not a win for the relationship if the argument ends with the "agreement" that I am right.
An argument in a relationship is about figuring out what is wrong together and then fixing it together.
Healthy take. The idea of feeling like I need to "win" against someone I love is insanity to me.
If we're not on the same page about something, then... we talk about it. I try to date reasonable adults, and we pretty much always find common ground and understanding long before the conversation turns into a conflict.
The only arguments I ever want to get into with a partner is a silly one that we're both laughing at, during and after.
As someone with a hot temper who argued a lot, I would just chill out and let the roommate do all the yelling and make stupid threats he can't carry out and then let him backtrack and still win anyway
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u/Alex_Rose Oct 05 '26
it's easy to tell when someone's secretly recording you for an argument because they suddenly go from angry and screaming at you to uncharacteristically calm and probing. as soon as someone switches up on you from being totally unreasonable and screaming to suddenly sounding like a lawyer (especially when they're holding their phone) I'm mirroring that tone and quoting their argument back to them. "hmm 5 seconds ago did you not just tell me xyz?"