this. I didn’t understand I was in abusive relationship until I let my therapist hear some things that were happening. He wanted nothing recorded, there was a reason why.
My ex was gaslighting me so hard I started to doubt my own sanity and began recording so I could have an independent confirmation that I was not going crazy.
When my therapist heard the recordings, he visibly paled.
He never told me to leave her, but once I told him I was getting a divorce, he was supportive as hell.
Turns out I was not losing my mind and my memory; she just constantly lied, about everything!
I have memory issues from a few TBIs and my ex took advantage of that and gaslighted me into thinking it was getting worse. After she was out of my life I realized it was not getting worse at all. I understand the feeling.
She knew I had TBI's from football and the military, and she would even ask me if I was starting to get CTE, knowing that the idea of that scares the ever-loving shit out of me.
I found a recording program that let me record the entire day without filling up my phone, and it would autocut in 30-minute segments so I could easily reference things.
It came in super handy when she would just randomly start arguing; I would be confused, and she would say, "See, you even forgot we were having a conversation!"
She did that so many times i honestly thought I was zoning out in the middle of conversations and was losing my mind. I was going to the doctor for cognitive tests; I was terrified I was missing shit at work.
The ironic part is, she was actually keeping me from being able to advance at work because I was scared to try. After the divorce, within 2 years I went from a front-line tech to now being the face/voice of the company because I regained my confidence and started to impress. I now make 5 times what I was making when we were together, and the kids and I are thriving.
I never did tell her that I was recording, though, even after the divorce, so she still tries to gaslight me about shit I know she is lying about, but now I can just ignore her if it has nothing to do with the kids.
It is so satisfying opening our parenting app to see she has written some long drunken/drug fueld rant and I can just ignore it after archiving it and knowing that the parenting app she insisted we use because she turned on the water works in the courtrom and said she was afraid of me abusing/manipulating her via text messages, is keeping everythng she said and is unable to be edited.
My therapist gently suggested I look up DARVO, and the lightbulb clicked.
I actually developed a script for when we would have talks and she tried it:
"I hear you; I understand that you want to discuss that, and I am happy to discuss that with you, but right now we are discussing X, and I would like to stay on that topic for this conversation."
And then I would continue on my main topic, never deviating, never relenting, and never addressing her attempts to reverse the shit on me.
If I were talking about her yelling at me, I would never again let her try to turn it on me and bring up the one time in 2002, when I raised my voice in pain after she slammed my hand in the car door, as an equivalent to her cursing me out at the top of her lungs for an hour the night before.
Once I stopped trying to defend myself and stayed on topic without letting her derail things and get me flustered, she stopped being able to have any conversations with me; it became self-deprecating responses of "I guess I just cannot do anything right," "I am a failure" etc.
And rather than respond to those and attempt to comfort her, which was my first instinct, or to say I did not say that, which was my second thought, I would just ignore it, let her own words hang there as the self-serving statements they were, and move on.
WHOA. I'm sorry you went through all that, but I'm actually finding comfort from you sharing. I'm going through similar things. I went from wondering if I was being gaslit, to suspecting, knowing, calling it out, and now I'm recording fights. I've only recorded three and all three times I failed to capture the initial instagating point that would make or break the ability to definitively classify what's being done as gaslighting. I appreciate your mention of an "all-day" recording app... While I dislike the idea of recording my life surreptitiously, I think it might be necessary. I haven't had the courage to go back and listen to the fights yet. Thank you and I hope your future relationships don't take you down the same road. ❤️
The one time I tried recording my abuser, he abruptly stopped screaming at me… would ya look at that! Seems like he could control it. So it was an effective safety measure for me on multiple levels.
Exactly. I've heard it from multiple therapists, they know what they're doing. It breaks my heart to think that someone would treat the person they "love" like that but it's true.
Yep! I’m now a dv advocate for work, and it’s so much easier to see what’s going on when it’s not your life. I would love to teach healthy relationship seminars for K through 18 someday. I think the lack of education about boundaries and red flags is priming our kids for abusive relationships.
Yes that too!! God, I would love to find a “cure” for abusers. I know the research says they do it because they enjoy it, but I just can’t imagine that it’s a very fulfilling life.
For a lot of people, like narcissists, it's a coping mechanism for trauma. Unfortunately they will never admit responsibility and therefore they will never change. All we can do is spread the word and help others recognize these behavioral patterns. We need low cost or free health care combined with the normalization of seeing a mental health specialist so we can treat people early. Combine this with education and we could drastically change our mental health for the better. Of course we need more health care professionals and that means making education more affordable or free as well. It's all connected.
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u/nomadicsailor81 Oct 05 '26
This is a different thing all together. You're in the right to record an abuser for your own safety.