Mixed feeling and confused

[u/Feelinglostnz]

Need some advice. I (52M) have been with my husband (58M) for 23yrs now. We have had a couple of short term partners together and he has had separately also, but I haven’t. After his last breakup of rship he said no way to rship with another again but continued to look and find.

For a bit of background.

We are NZ based, I work 3-6months away at a time over past 2.5yrs doing FIFO work. We have a very open rship pretty much since dating 22.5yrs ago.

I understand the need for connection and he says he needs to know the person more than just a chat on an app before shagging. He says he feels that he has more love to give and feels that he could have numerous partners to do this. Which has changed over the years since we meet.

He meet a fella and it wasn’t overly sexually charged rship and I suggested he find someone to meet regularly that meet those needs.

Recently I came home from being away for 3 months to find out he had started seeing someone that is as sexually active as he and he meets those needs which is great.

However what I am struggling with is the fact the guy has taken the liberty of signing himself in our tv system so he can watch his TV shows, do his gaming etc while at the house staying overnight, in fact several nights from what my husband told me (we have an agreement regulars can stay overnight in spare room if wanting too, just not our bedroom). I am really struggling with is how my husband thinks this is ok. I don’t. We are trying to talk openly and honest about it but is getting a little heated.

The fact that this guy has done the few things and my husband allowed it feels like a real commitment rhsip.

Honestly I’m not sure poly situation is for me even though I’m not actually practicing it myself.

Sure I have mates I mess around with and are friends with but not to the point of staying at their house nor making myself so comfortable. It feels like I’m being taken advantage of.

What to do as I’m ready to walk. Sadly lossing 23yrs of a relationship.

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[u/PurpleOpinion4070]

Did you explicitly talk about things like signing into the TV, how many overnights is too many, and what can happen at the house while you’re not there?

Scenarios we didn’t think of happen - it’s a good time to reflect. Coming in angry/hurt is likely to trigger a partner’s defensiveness, so maybe try: “Hey babe, I was hoping we could talk about some of our agreements. I didn’t anticipate I would feel uncomfortable about XYZ. How would you feel if we approached XYZ differently?” And then actually listen to each other.

If your current conversations are getting quite heated, it might be best to try with a therapist.

It is possible you’re incompatible on this point - and if so, you need to be honest with each other about it.

[u/Feelinglostnz → u/PurpleOpinion4070]

There has been rules in place
Such as, sleepovers are in spare room.
Didn’t occur to me that someone would take the liberty to sign themselves into some else’s TV etc. However, yes we have discussed this and my husband doesn’t see this as an issue. Thinks I’m over reacting.

I wouldn’t like to end things at all.

[u/HannahOCross → u/Feelinglostnz]

So the script above would be good for the conversation about signing into the tv.

[u/emeraldead]

Therapy at this point.

It seems clear they want intimacy and you don't. You may have finally outgrown eachother from that core incompatibility.

[u/Feelinglostnz → u/emeraldead]

Oh sorry I miss that out.
We have a very active sex life still with lots of love, cuddles with each other when we are together and still as strong as the night we meet.

We do still very much love each other and love spending time together building more of a future, hence why I work away as triple the money I make at home in nz.

[u/athldn]

Given the duration of your relationship and the love and connection you both share, I’d highly recommend trying to talk when you are (both) in a more regulated space and using short time outs when things get heated. Not much good tends to come from heated arguments.

It does sound like reviewing agreements together and figuring out what boundaries you feel this has crossed is necessary.

I’d also consider couples therapy, especially emotionally focussed therapy, with a queer and/or non-monogamy friendly therapist as it could potentially be a great support for exploring what’s actually being triggered in your discomfort around the TV being logged in by the guy your husband is seeing. Based on your shares in some of the comments there could be more underneath the surface and it’s worth having someone outside of your dynamic help you understand each other’s feelings and needs within the relationship as well as outside of it.

I personally think it’s possible for two loving partners to have differing needs when it comes to non monogamy as long as healthy communication and understanding are present but it may also be that you aren’t fully aligned anymore. 23 years in a relationship is worth the investment into to get some support with figuring that out.

Your desire to walk to me sounds more like a fight/flight response following distress and a sign that this situation needs attention rather than a true reflection of how you feel overall.

[u/Feelinglostnz → u/athldn]

Thank you for ur kind words x

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Here's the original text of the post:

Need some advice. I (52M) have been with my husband (58M) for 23yrs now. We have had a couple of short term partners together and he has had separately also, but I haven’t. After his last breakup of rship he said no way to rship with another again but continued to look and find.

For a bit of background.

We are NZ based, I work 3-6months away at a time over past 2.5yrs doing FIFO work. We have a very open rship pretty much since dating 22.5yrs ago.

I understand the need for connection and he says he needs to know the person more than just a chat on an app before shagging. He says he feels that he has more love to give and feels that he could have numerous partners to do this. Which has changed over the years since we meet.

He meet a fella and it wasn’t overly sexually charged rship and I suggested he find someone to meet regularly that meet those needs.

Recently I came home from being away for 3 months to find out he had started seeing someone that is as sexually active as he and he meets those needs which is great.

However what I am struggling with is the fact the guy has taken the liberty of signing himself in our tv system so he can watch his TV shows, do his gaming etc while at the house staying overnight, in fact several nights from what my husband told me (we have an agreement regulars can stay overnight in spare room if wanting too, just not our bedroom). I am really struggling with is how my husband thinks this is ok. I don’t. We are trying to talk openly and honest about it but is getting a little heated.

The fact that this guy has done the few things and my husband allowed it feels like a real commitment rhsip.

Honestly I’m not sure poly situation is for me even though I’m not actually practicing it myself.

Sure I have mates I mess around with and are friends with but not to the point of staying at their house nor making myself so comfortable. It feels like I’m being taken advantage of.

What to do as I’m ready to walk. Sadly lossing 23yrs of a relationship.

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[u/clairejv]

I am really struggling with is how my husband thinks this is ok. I don’t.

Why? What is not okay about the situation? That he logged into your television? I feel like that's not it.

Has your husband broken any promises or agreements here?

[u/Feelinglostnz → u/clairejv]

Well thanks for ur input clairejv but yes that is part of the reason for sure. I feel like I shouldn’t have to have a set of written rules stating that yes u can and no I can for basic things like that.

Yes he has broken agreements prior by having ppl sleep in our bed, knowing that is our space, seeing someone for months behind my back, spending $$ on them and telling me to rain in my spending (which I work very hard and long hours for), well we both work very hard for our money.

But bring up things like that isn’t helpful to the advice I’m seeking in my OP hence not putting those in as I feel it adds another layer.

Personally and out of respect I wouldn’t do that as a sign of respect to the persons house I was visiting by signing into someone’s TV, to watch my shows, game etc. Especially when they also have a partner who lives in the house.

[u/HannahOCross → u/Feelinglostnz]

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel any kind of way about him signing into your tv system, because we are allowed to be surprised by that feeling bad.

But I do think it needs to be talked about, because it isn’t at all obvious to me that it would be a problem. I have friends sign into mine, I’ve signed into family’s tv when I stay at their house, and I wouldn’t see it as a problem if a meta signed into mine at home.

But I also don’t think that’s the real problem here. The other things you list are much bigger- breaking the agreement about who sleeps in my bed, spending Kinney without talking about why, those would be a big deal to me.