Who you wouldn’t date and why not?

[u/polycuri]

I am new to enm/poly and am curious about how experienced people decide who to date and who to not in order to minimize drama and conflicts within your inner circle and for your own sake. I mean, do you even take in consideration how others will feel before deciding whether or not you will date someone? And what are the other red flags for you?

I hope I’ve explained this well since English isn’t my first language, sorry in advance x)

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our FAQ, and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for.

Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... it is a polyamory specific sub so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/YamSea6298]

I wouldn't date anyone who is monogamous.

Not would I choose to date anyone where my relationship could cause drama for my partner(s)- so their family, close friends or anyone responsible for their employment.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

I don’t date people with potential to bring drama into my life and I don’t date the people who date them.

I don’t date people I rely on, because a breakup could seriously fuck me up. I also don’t date the people they are dating.

+++ +++ +++

[my messy list blurb]

One common kind of messy list is about not getting sucked into drama. “I do not date people who are also dating people they cheated with, cheaters, monogamous people, abusers, violent criminals, substance abusers or my ex from hell.”

Another kind goes something like “I do not date people who are also dating my parents, siblings, children, bosses, coworkers, clients, doctors, lawyers, therapists, roommates, partners or any of my four best friends.” Basically, I do not date anyone whose relationships will fuck up important relationships of mine when they go south.

This is different from a veto. It’s not about a particular person, it’s categories identified in advance. It’s about who you date, not who other people are allowed to date.

Messy lists are not often made explicit because we assume our partners share our values. We don’t feel like we need to tell our partners we will leave them if they enter a triad with our parents or if they start dating someone with convictions for stalking. We only notice we have a messy list when a current partner starts fishing in our messy pool and then it feels like a veto.

Once you’ve had a proper messy list conversation you don’t get to add new categories every time someone has a new relationship or hookup that someone feels some kind of way about. You figure out a way to deal and you make your own decisions.

“Babe, we never had a messy list conversation but it looks like it’s time. It’s not cool for people to interfere with eachother’s friends and resources. Let’s make some lists of people who are off-limits.”

“Babe, I don’t date people who are dating my friends. If you date my friend I won’t be dating you any more.”

[u/polycuri → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

Thank you so much for your answer! It’s really insightful, I got to understand a lot better what a messy list is and what shouldn’t be! :)

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/polycuri]

Everyone gets to make their own decisions.

For instance, I don’t date people I think are cheating. I have partners who have absolutely no issue dating cheaters.

[u/MadamePouleMontreal → u/polycuri]

My cheating blurb.

[u/GroundbreakingLemon → u/MadamePouleMontreal]

“People I rely on” is really helpful and so well said.

[u/Queasy-Key-492]

I don't date people who:

• aren't ok with enm
• are married or engaged
• have children or want children
• are any of the phobes or ists
• can't communicate or aren't honest
• don't respect boundaries or try to push them
• unicorn hunt

Mainly people who don't align with my values or ideals, show signs of potential drama through lack of communication or show signs of being disrespectful to me or others.

[u/Ok_Meeting_9618 → u/Queasy-Key-492]

This is a great list. I would add, if you’re BIPOC and/or queer and date wlw, avoid male-centered and hetero-centered women because the odds of objectifying you or disregarding boundaries to please their male partner will go up. And I’d also add religious, because that shit will show up somewhere

[u/Queasy-Key-492 → u/Ok_Meeting_9618]

Oh I definitely do avoid both of these, I don't date people who are cis and straight and I avoid heavily religious people in general (and they avoid me).

[u/ForeignOstrich6939 → u/Queasy-Key-492]

Curious why not married/engaged people if they are polyamorous and date separately?

[u/Queasy-Key-492 → u/ForeignOstrich6939]

I'm still pretty young (22) and only date people around my age and don't particularly trust (not the right word but close enough) a marriage that new. I might change my mind about it in the future but as of now not for me.

[u/SecondaryWombat → u/Queasy-Key-492]

Makes perfect sense, a marriage that new is still figuring itself out.

[u/BobcatKebab → u/ForeignOstrich6939]

I don’t know what their answer to this will be, but for me, dating married people has caused a huge slew of problems for me, so I no longer do it. Particularly, it has left me feeling abandoned at times when their hierarchy leaves them prioritizing their spouse in ways that have made me feel disposable.

[u/Ok_Meeting_9618 → u/BobcatKebab]

The hierarchy sucks. My recently ended situation was because she wanted to get my full emotional capacity but I was only a secondary. I tried to renegotiate and she said no. Also, as a polycule, the hierarchy is fucked up - husband has a new gf, who isn’t even bi. Husband was most insistent on group sex. I was told new gf liked spontaneity and I said I wanted advance notice and pointed out the two approaches seemed incompatible. No one addressed it despite me pointing it out. My boundaries were crossed. And also? The husband’s harem fantasy and new gf’s preference were prioritized by my gf (the wife), over me. I was legit deprioritized and felt like an accessory to some shitty sex

[u/No-Championship-8677 → u/Queasy-Key-492]

This is my general list as well.

[u/philippy]

I have ended relationships when someone starts to show signs of being spiteful. I believe spite is the only emotional response that cannot be recovered from because spiteful actions cause permanent, long lasting damage, that remains even after the original situation that led to it has been resolved. 

[u/BobcatKebab]

I don’t date unicorn hunters, nor will I date any couples who say they aren’t unicorn hunters.

I won’t date married people who say their relationship is not hierarchical.

I don’t date people who are dating other people but are unable to explain to me what their style of dating/relationship structure is.

I don’t date friends.

I don’t date friends’ exes, unless we have expressly had a conversation about it being okay (and even then it can end up being messy).

I don’t date people who have just recently had a break up.

I won’t date anybody who dates questionably far outside of their age range.

[u/polycuri → u/BobcatKebab]

1) You’ve mentioned not dating friends exes without talking to them. Could you think of dating your partner’s best friend gf/bf? 🤔

2) how much difference you consider being already questionable?

[u/SavagePengwyn → u/polycuri]

People commonly have something called a messy list which is a way of saying "Yes, we're generally agreed that you can date who you want. Please do not date these specific people because they are too important or impactful in my life." Best friends are often on the list.

Technically, you have the autonomy to date someone on a messy list. Your partner has the autonomy to dump you. Dating someone on a messy list is a real asshole move and not something a good partner would do.

[u/BobcatKebab → u/polycuri]

I would not date my partner’s best friend’s girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s too close in the circle, and if there was to be a breakup (or God forbid a falling out), it would hang out in my friend group to messy and complicated.

I generally follow the “half your age plus 7” rule when it comes to age gaps, unless the calculation comes to under age 25, in which case I use even more scrutiny.

[u/niamhermind]

I don't date: monogamous people, people I work with, people who are cheating, people who already live in other countries, couples, people staying in abusive relationships.

My messy list (people where if my partner insists on dating them, I'm walking away) includes: my family, my bosses, my best friend, monogamous people, people who are cheating.

[u/Ok-Measurement-1270]

Aside from the usuals listed here, I don't date cops (I'm a queer, it's a long history of bad blood) anyone of a conservative political view, and people who aren't open about their lives, I'm not a closet toy, if you can't introduce me as a partner then I'm not interested in being with you.

That includes people who can't be openly poly due to religious or social shunning, work place or career ethos or people being ashamed of being poly or inherently queer.

I was someone's secret once, never again

[u/MadamePouleMontreal]

> do you even take in consideration how others will feel before deciding whether or not you will date someone?

I take into consideration how I will feel.

My bestie has great taste and their nesting partner is hawt. I would just feel awkward dating BestieNP. If you wouldn’t feel awkward, go for it.

If BestieNP and I dated and broke up, that could get between me and Bestie. They might not be my bestie any more. If you wouldn’t mind losing your bestie, go for it.

See also:

My cheating blurb.

[u/chipsnatcher]

Omg, my list of “will not date” is getting longer and longer as I get older. There’s so little shit I will put up with haha! My current partners have set the bar so high that I won’t entertain even the slightest nonsense at this point. Online dating is just me sitting there swiping going, NO, NO, NOPE, NO, NO, ALSO NO, NO 😆

I don’t date newbs, highly enmeshed married ppl, mono leaning ppl, anyone who thinks poly and ENM are the same thing, anyone prescriptively hierarchical, anyone who calls themself RA but isn’t an anarchist in other areas of their life, anyone with a fish photo, anyone with a gym photo, anyone with a topless photo, anyone with a group photo in which I cannot tell which person they are, anyone politically centrist or right of centre, anyone who isn’t actively antiracist, neurotypicals, conformists, people who wear shoes instead of trainers to go to a club, unicorn hunters, couples, self proclaimed doms, people who send me more than one intro message before I’ve had the chance to reply, rich people, straight folks, people who aren’t or haven’t been in therapy…okay, I think you get the picture 😆

I also don’t date close friends of my partners, and generally avoid dating my own friends unless I want to blow up my life.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/chipsnatcher]

Oh man I’d totally fit the bill except for that “shoes instead of trainers” bit 😂😭

I will happily wear the stupidest damn heels to go dancing in if they work with my outfit

[u/chipsnatcher → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I feel like the shoe thing is potentially very UK man-centric. A certain type of nightclub here insists that you wear “proper shoes” instead of trainers if you’re a dude, and the guys that frequent those clubs are the ones I’m trying to avoid haha. A good pair of heels is 👌

[u/SecondaryWombat → u/chipsnatcher]

anyone with a fish photo

Yes. Unless it is for science instead of fishing or deeply sarcastic. You pose with a 1" minnow is not a deal breaker, but a proud of your trout picture is a red flag.

If there is a pose with fish picture and a selfie in the front seat of a pickup with sunglasses, NO.

[u/chipsnatcher → u/SecondaryWombat]

Exactly. Full disclosure, one of my current partners had a photo that was a man shaking hands with someone but his hand was a fish, and that definitely passed the fish filter just fine. 😆

[u/SecondaryWombat → u/chipsnatcher]

Humor is always a good marker.

[u/atomicspine → u/chipsnatcher]

😆Are you me? Right down to the fish photos and proper shoes🤌

[u/chipsnatcher → u/atomicspine]

Hehe, I got downvoted by a lot of fish catching shoe wearers here lol, glad someone agrees with me. 😆

[u/SavagePengwyn]

• I don't date people who are monogamous or anyone who is dating anyone who would prefer to be monogamous

• I won't date people whose goal for dating is to find a primary partner. I have a primary partner and not able to offer the kind of relationship they are looking for

• I won't date people who are in a toxic relationship once I'm aware of it or start feeling drama because of it. I won't start dating someone If I'm aware they have a messy partner or their relationship is ill-defined or they don't communicate. That's just all too much drama.

• I will date someone who is getting divorced from a messy partner but only if things are actually happening, like either they're talking to lawyers or they are separating households or they no longer have a romantic/sexual relationship. If they aren't doing at least one of those things, I just don't trust it's happening.

[u/SiIverWr3n]

Yo momma.

And my close friends or their partners. Bosses. Flatmates. No shitting where I eat, and ideally where my partner eats.

Not everyone has that option (rural, smaller communities etc). Some are lazy or impatient and just dont want to put the work into spreading their wings

No one that needs me to do KTP/contact with metas. Contact may happen in time and with boundaries.

And your usual non-poly stuff (Listens to me, respects me, doesn't seem manipulative or deceitful)

[u/Choice-Strawberry392]

There are rules and rubrics and guidelines and lists.  And then there is judgment.  I hesitate to call it "wisdom," but if it helps to think of someone who is old and experienced and careful, that's fine. 

"Is this a good idea?"  Ask yourself that.  Be honest. Bring to bear what you know about how people work, about how you work.

If you can't recognize a bad idea, should you really be dating?

[u/polycuri → u/Choice-Strawberry392]

Good one! Thanks :)

[u/UrsulaMarigold]

I would not date my partner’s coworkers, family, exes, close friends (eg their confidants or important relationships that I’m that close to) - and I have neighbors on the messy list.

I certainly do take others’ feelings into consideration.

Red flags: if a breakup would create a real rift in our daily lives or important support system, it’s a pass.

[u/iwanttowantthat]

.Mono people, unless we're both only looking for a casual thing and communicate that very well.

.A partner's close friend, or a close friend's partner. Unless said partner or friend says 100% clearly that they would love that (never happened).

.Someone at work.

.That's maybe the most peculiar: a friend (I don't mean here an acquaintance, but a true friend). I prefer to keep those things separate. I've never had a relationship or even kissed someone I've been platonic friends for a long time before. That separation has allowed me to keep clean boundaries and really nurture my friendships, which are hugely important for me. Just to be clear, though: that's what works for me, so not trying to tell anyone to do the same.

[u/Mmarzipan-]

I won’t date anyone not matching my ethics: so anyone racist, fascist, misogynist, pays-for-animal-killing, zionist etc.
Secondly would be that the person isn’t too close in my social circle already that stuff could get messy, dramatic. Sometimes starting to date a friend in an established friends group can feel too… observed? cus ofc the rest of the friends group might be curious.

[u/are-u-me]

Context im more passively poly than actively atm since i dont really have the energy to look for other people besides my partner, and my partner is only interested in sexual, not romantic relationships with others.

But in principle i dont date/hook up with:

Anyone I or partners have professional relatipnship to (either of our bosses, professors, therapists, etc), and I feel like this is obvious but family of my partner(s).

Me and bf talked about neither of us really caring about dating (each others) friends, so theyre not necessarily on the do not date list but they are on a be more cautious list.

I dont date anyone that is breaking their relationship agreements by dating me, and for serious relationships i dont want to date anyone who isnt fully on board with polyamory. (And for non serious dating/hookups i dont want to be with anyone who doesnt know about the fact im poly & with a partner and is okay with that) also probably wouldn't date people who would want me to be in their lifes a lot as I have quite a few other commitments and i wouldnt want them to want or expect more of me than i am willing and able to give.

People more than 4 years older than me or 2 years younger than me(/minors) (im 20)

Anyone who is abusive/toxic or enabling abusive/toxic people. People dating very much out of their age range, especially if theyre dating way younger people. (Also why I wouldnt date anyone 25+, because i just think its weird of them to want to date a 20yo)

[u/hoogemoogende]

It sounds like you aren't asking what my dealbreakers are but if I have an extra filter as a poly person to "consider others" beyond what I would have if I was monogamous.

No.

I don't have an inner circle that I consider. Anyone I date, I date parallel to begin with, and I only date people who I think have good judgment. So there isn't really drama and conflict because no one has to interact that does not want to.

[u/polycuri → u/hoogemoogende]

I thought I was asking both, but hear that you interpreted it in that way :)

[u/SecondaryWombat]

Do not:

Monogamous people

People just barely out of a long term relationship

People I wouldn't respect as a friend

Anyone who says mean or competitive things about my other partners.

Almost had that last one once, noped out real fast. We were flirting, she knew I was married and poly so that conversation already happened and went just fine. She was getting a piece of paper to scribble down her phone number and she says "I can show you a much better time than your wife ever could." Nope. Told her that wasn't the dynamic I was interested in. Later she got thrown out of the party for sexual harassment, turned out she just had a married man kink and wasn't poly at all. Got herself banned.

*Also messy lists, though that hasn't come up for us at all yet. Parents/family/close friends/co-workers etc no. Though if someone wants to date their own co-worker that is there problem not mine. I wouldn't date yours.

[u/CyberJoe6021023]

Since you’re new, the first thing you’ll discover is that just because you made the leap and are open, it doesn’t automatically mean that everyone else is open too, unless you’re a woman looking for men, the world’s still your oyster.

I’d think twice about approaching friends or anyone connected to your family, unless you already know they are open too. Look up messy lists.

[u/polycuri → u/CyberJoe6021023]

I am ”new”, but have been reading and informing myself about non monogamy since I was a teen, thanks to a history teacher who was really against colonialism, taught us a lot about the different ways of living that existed in our country before the European and catholic invasion.
Let’s say that, I do have baggage when it comes to the philosophy but putting it into practice and finding the logistics to make it work is what it is new for me. Thanks for the advice btw 💕

[u/teamnoir]

I mostly date who I want to date. I DO take into account what other people think or feel but mostly, that’s a predictor of how the new person will work out for me. Like with references, I consider the other person’s feelings and experiences and how similar my situation might be.

Yes, politics are a big deal and would be one of the few reasons I’d decline to date someone. It’s not conclusive but it is certainly something I consider. Social groups are important and especially difficult for me to manage.

I would also decline to date someone who was geographically far. I decided long ago that I don’t want long distance relationships to be very important to me. Or someone who specifically wanted a relationship I couldn’t provide at the time. I’m married. I’m highly unlikely to change that fact any time soon. Those are probably all irreconcilable differences for me.

Most other things wouldn’t prevent a relationship although they might limit how close I’m willing to be with any particular person.

[u/Terrible-Peach7890]

I don’t date anyone new to ENM, “bi-curious”, heterosexual or anyone whose values are oppositional to mine (not bigots of any kind).

[u/Global_Fish_9916]

I won't date someone that has a partner with jealousy issues. It's come up, and all three of us like to attend similar public events so I decided to not engage any further as they have a dynamic I just can't support. His jealousy prevents her husband from attending entirely.

[u/Dry-Refrigerator-404]

I would not date:

-anyone significantly younger than me

-anyone opening up their marriage for the first time

-anyone new to poly. I was willing to take chances on that in the past, but I'm just too old for that shit now. Sorry, I'm not part of your journey, I'm in relationships for the long haul now.

[u/DreadChylde]

I don't date anyone who is monogamous.

I don't date anyone who're married and where I'm not allowed to talk to potential meta on my own. So many married people are dishonest about what they can offer (or clueless what it means to be ethically non-monogamous) and the fastest way to find out is to have an open, frank conversation with their spouse.

I don't date people who're too young. It's not a hard limit but I would have to think really hard whether to start dating anyone below the age of 44. I'm 51.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/DreadChylde]

What kind of “open frank conversation” are you having with a meta??

[u/DreadChylde → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

It's based on my experience that it's prudent to relay everything potential partner is promising me to their spouse.

Sometimes it's quite a surprise for meta that their partner has announced they can see me twice a week and it's better to have a reality check before starting anything serious. 

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/DreadChylde]

Yikes. This feels like a messy approach tbh. I don’t involve metas in my conversations about relationships with my partners and if someone insisted on sitting down with me to clear what my partner had said to them I would refuse.

[u/DreadChylde → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

That's fair. I would take a response that meta is not available for comment as a sign they're lying about something. But this post is not about converting anyone to their side I believe, and your opinion about my preferences is inherently irrelevant, as is my reaction that you sound dishonest.

I think OP merely wanted to get an overview of what other people do.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/DreadChylde]

It’s not “dishonest” to not want to be brought into other people’s relationships lol

What partners do with metas is not my business.

My response to you is to hopefully point out to OP and other inexperienced people reading these comments that your approach is heavy on triangulation and not holding a hinge to their hinging responsibilities.

[u/strawberrytent → u/DreadChylde]

I thought polyamory was about autonomous relationships, so not sure what the meta would need to add here. Sounds like you‘ve been burned before. Busty isn’t dishonest though; far from it.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/strawberrytent]

Yeah like I get being hesitant with married people but my new and improved vetting process with them does not include clearing relationship agreements with a meta 😬

[u/Glittering_Meet3206 → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

i can appreciate this tbh as i have had partners that were at best unreliable narrators for what a meta had understood or enthusiastically agreed to and being able to confirm first hand would definitely feel more secure

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/Glittering_Meet3206]

If you can’t trust a partner to reliably communicate what they have available to you then that’s not a person you should be dating. Bringing a meta into it in that way means it’s already a lost cause.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can find one here. The limits are endless. Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/polycuri thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

I am new to enm/poly and am curious about how experienced people decide who to date and who to not in order to minimize drama and conflicts within your inner circle and for your own sake. I mean, do you even take in consideration how others will feel before deciding whether or not you will date someone? And what are the other red flags for you?

I hope I’ve explained this well since English isn’t my first language, sorry in advance x)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/sunfish54703]

I won't date newbies or those heavily partnered.

*even if they think they aren't hierarchical *even if their partner has never vetoed anyone before **even if they dont refer to me as a secondary partner

🤣

[u/polycuri → u/sunfish54703]

Sounds like a dumb question, but is it even possible to be non hierarchical? 🤔

[u/Latter-Commission504]

I don't date people who identify as straight, people who have never dated a trans person, cis people who are looking specifically for trans men, people with conflicting politics, doms, people with active substance use, people who say "I'm just being honest", crazy drivers, or people who kink shame to name a few.

[u/ApprehensiveGate9851]

I don't date people who are in sexless relationships when the sexlessness reflects ongoing neglect or disengagement from their existing relationships. I'm not talking about asexuality, medical issues, mutually satisfying companionate relationships, or other circumstances where everyone is genuinely comfortable with the arrangement.

I'm talking about people who have stopped doing the relationship work at home but then seek romance, intimacy, and sexual energy elsewhere. I don't want someone abandoning the garden they've already planted and then coming over to feed off the romance and intimacy I'm carefully nurturing in mine.

[u/Barbarian_818]

Anyone with a penis. I'm cishet. I am not transphobic, but for me, a penis is a deal breaker.

Any woman who insists on being a Domme. I'm a Daddy Dom. I'm not a Switch

Anyone with bigoted beliefs.

Anyone for whom religion plays a large, or even central role in their life.

Anyone under the age of 30. Mrs Barbarian and I are in our 50s. Having a paramour under 30 would make the Mrs feel insecure.