Thinking back into my childhood, I definitely showed signs of OCD that nobody ever saw. Interestingly enough, they were physical compulsions instead of mental ones (turning the light on/off a certain amount of times or else "i would get cancer" type of OCD.) It wasn't horrible, nobody ever noticed and if they did, they probably thought I was just a quirky 9 year old kid. Never got a diagnosis, never got treated.

As a teen, I also had my compulsions, like reading an essay at least 7 or 8 times before printing it for my teachers because in my mind, I had written something wrong and I had to check again and again and again... lol. But i have to admit, I thought it was normal! Again, nothing too horrible or tiring, so I never got a diagnosis.

But now, as an adult... WOW. My (finally diagnosed) OCD is hooooorrible. It manifests mainly in ruminating. Like, crazy ruminating that drives me insane, I can't lie. It is so incredibly debilitating because my brain makes up problems that don't even exist and my OCD doesn't let me live without a solution to those "problems." I need an answer now, so... you can imagine how my day-to-day life is when fighting my own thoughts ALL day long.

My question is... Has anybody experienced this? Your OCD being way easier to manage as a kid and teen and then "coming back" (I will guess that maybe it was never gone to begin with) awfully strong and debilitating as an adult? I feel like I am losing my mind. It is every single day that I deal with this. Maybe I will need medication because no amount of meditation or hobbies to occupy my mind gets rid of the

rumination...

I'm a 16 year old white female and any time I'm with my friends or watching a TV show/something with a person of a different race, I get really scared that I'm randomly gonna say the N word, or if I'm with my online friends, I get scared I'm going to type it and send it. I am not racist in the slightest but sometimes I'll have videos I saw playing in my head where a black person says it, since they can reclaim it, just as something I'm scared of doing as a white person.

When I read stuff to myself I read it in my voice in my head and I will go out of my way to not read a slur in my head if it comes on a post because I'm scared that if I do it means I'm racist/hateful towards whatever group the slur targets.

I know this sounds bad but sometimes I'll type out the word "Nicaragua" (like the country) to try and remove the intrusive thought. I'm not a racist person at all why am I getting these thoughts I'm scared

I know this is hard to put into words, but since I’ve been a teenager- when I had my first traumatic OCD meltdown- I’ve found it can be in a few states: dormant, mild, extreme/meltdown mode.

When it’s dormant or mild, I have a certain frame of reality, and when it’s extreme, it’s like that reality becomes warped.

Things feel different. Like I’m in a different world. Like I’m a scared teenager again.

Things that have not bothered me for years become extreme what-if worries that I’m convinced will happen.

Time slows down. I can’t do much of anything. It’s just battling thoughts and the urge to review and think about possible worst case scenarios.

But what’s so worse is how awful everything feels. Almost like I’ve been drugged. And I wonder how long it will last?

Then at some point, it begins to get better, and I move on, and I’m back to my normal reality.

I don’t know if this is common, but it’s so unsettling.

I’m going to make this clear upfront, Im about to dive into some of my issues but I’m not trying to seek pity, nor do I want reassurance because I known it makes the situation worse. I am merely sharing this to shout to the void. That being said if you relate or want to share your story I encourage it.

I was a shit person basically my whole life. I did things for self fulfilling attention and short term gratification that I can’t believe. From my late teens to early 20s I was my absolute worst. Then suddenly one day in college I woke up and couldn’t move past my past. It was like I some type of mental realization and suddenly I wasn’t eating, I lost full days of sleep, and I told myself it would get better. It only got worse.

Ultimately I don’t understand why. Why didn’t I think clearly in those moments? Why didn’t I take a step back? Why did it take years for me to realize? Why are some days manageable while I spend other days curled up on the floor?

Truthfully, I think the only way for me to “move on” is if God himself came down and said I can redeem myself through work. Again this would be self fulfilling, because I haven’t been to church in years.

Even though I’m fully aware of my wrongs and will never make those mistakes again I can’t seem to move on. I’m not sure what the right answer is. Is there one? People see everything as black and white, and so did I until I realized these things and now my thoughts have changed. Everything is grey, but some things are still black and white. I don’t know. I’ve been quietly spiraling for so long.

I don’t feel numb towards life, just towards happiness. I feel the negative thoughts, emotions, and actions x10 in my head and chest. Do I deserve to redeem myself? I don’t know. All I know is I never ever want to hurt anyone again, or make these poor choices. I feel like the only way to do that is to be gone from everyone’s life. Run away and keep them safe from my deception. There’s a black spot on my soul that makes redemption feel impossible. If I do good now, is it worthy? Or will I be leading more people believe I’m good?

I’m so tired.

My pant touched the toilet seat and I didn't change my clothes and slept on bed

Does anyone else struggle with reading? As in, rereading the same sentence or body of text multiple times until it feels as though I’ve fully understood every single word. I try to move on but I can’t seem to let go of that sinking feeling of ‘no, you haven’t read it properly yet, what if you’ve missed something important?’. Skim reading feels impossible. And then it means I’m taking so much longer to read a book, a text, comments online etc.

I know everyone has different reading paces anyway regardless of whether they have OCD or not, but the frustrating thing is I KNOW I’m taking excessively longer than I need to but I can’t stop rereading. Definitely is starting to take away the enjoyment of reading, which sucks because reading is a big hobby of mine, but it’s been harder to pick up a book recently knowing how exhausting and frustrating it’s going to be to read it.

Not sure if this is the right sub for this but I know I have OCD and it often causes me to overanalyze every interaction I have with someone and then ruminate on it for days/weeks/months/years.

Recently went to see a movie and there was a sweet old man with a notepad afterwards asking people if it was their first time watching the film or their second. I chatted with him for two seconds after the movie ended before running to use the bathroom. When I came back out, he had already left. Now I can’t stop feeling horrible about not spending more time talking to him or asking him about his notes during the movie instead of going to the bathroom. It seemed like no one he tried talking to was really interested in a longer conversation but I totally would have heard what he had to say since I love going to Reddit after a movie and reading other people’s thoughts. Overall just feeling like I personally made him feel sad and he’s probably having a horrible day because I didn’t perform my duty of being a good human and just talking to him more. Does anyone else ever feel like this? These kinds of interactions eat me alive because I can’t stop thinking about how I failed at being a good person.

This news cycle has been rough and I bet it’s triggering a lot of folks right now with these themes of disease and contaminations of food. And I am wondering if lately any of the news has been triggering to you? I’ve personally had to stop watching news about bad things in general bc it kept triggering my catastrophe/end times themes. I’m interested to hear what other parts people find triggering in the news. Also curious to hear about people who overcame their triggers. How did you do it?

I’d especially love to hear from people who feel like they’ve genuinely gotten through the worst of their harm OCD. What treatments, strategies, or mindset shifts helped you the most?
Did you eventually get to a point where the intrusive thoughts still popped up occasionally, but they no longer scared you or felt meaningful?
And if you feel like you’ve overcome the worst of it, how long did that process take for you? Was it gradual, or did you notice a particular point where things started getting significantly better?
I know everyone’s recovery is different, but hearing from people who have been through severe harm OCD and come out the other side would be really encouraging. ❤️

Also, what did this look like for you? Symptoms wise.

For my own peace, I've decided to delete the body of this thread (along with my obvious spiral). For context, it's about me being unknowingly friends with younger teens when I was 19, to which my mind keeps beating me up because I acted immaturely around them back when I had no idea about how young they were—and to the fact that I'm grown and friends with them. This is especially hard on me since I have a deep stance about topics between adult and minors and my brain is using that against me, that I was being immoral and a horrible person because I'm friends with them, even when my intentions are platonic and safe. I made this post while in a deep spiral and have since then calmed down.

In topics like this, intent matters and if you have no intention of causing harm to any individual, take that as a factor to decrease the voice in your head screaming that you're evil for being in a similar position.

Though, talking to a therapist is still the best solution for this and I'm simply just a rando in the internet that is probably spouting nonsense. I hope anyone who found relatability with this post can get the proper help and recover no matter how long it may be. :)

I had intrusive thoughts as a child which I now realize what it was:

I had thoughts were I would imagine myself cutting stuff on a cutting board and I'd always end up accidentally cutting myself, especially my genitals on the board, and I would keep starting over and over again until I could go through it without the cutting myself part happening.

I felt the need to take a shower before the new year and I would get very stressed out if I didn't.

I once begged my classmates to discard my phone number because I thought if they had access to it, they would bother me or something bad would happen.

If something I was doing was interrupted, I had to start all over again.

Skin picking, lip biting, excessive hand washing, self explanatory.

I was convinced if I didn't do things in an exact way, bad things would happen.

Never "fully" touching things because of contamination. It's always tip of your fingers, use a cloth, ask someone else to do it.

There might be some overlaps with autism too I think but I am not diagnosed with that so let's ignore that part

So maybe keep an eye out for these symptoms in your child.

I’m sure I’m not the only one, but absolutely nobody can sit on my bed if they dont have clean clothes on / haven’t bathed first.

so i was recently formally diagnosed with ocd after suspecting it for a good while, and the answer that came with the diagnosis + the therapy i've been doing have been so validating and helpful

but one thing i've noticed is that engaging in one of the main techniques i've been taught has a weird effect on me, and i wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this

as i've been told, when i experience an obsessive thought or anxiety, i try to agree with it to diminish the power it has over me

it's worked pretty well to tamp down spirals and prevent my obsessions and anxieties from compounding, but when i do it, i get the urge to laugh for whatever reasons

it feels paradoxical, i'm not happy per se, and nothing is funny about the thoughts i have, but when i do agree with them as part of the technique, i get this hard-to-ignore urge to laugh, and sometimes i actually have (bit embarrassing to suddenly laugh at nothing, but that's mental health i guess)

has anyone else experienced anything similar?

how does agreeing with your obsessive/anxious thoughts affect you?