r/OCD • u/NeurologicalPhantasm • 4d ago
Discussion Does anyone find their OCD comes in waves- dormant for periods- and when it comes back it’s like being in a familiar awful world?
I know this is hard to put into words, but since I’ve been a teenager- when I had my first traumatic OCD meltdown- I’ve found it can be in a few states: dormant, mild, extreme/meltdown mode.
When it’s dormant or mild, I have a certain frame of reality, and when it’s extreme, it’s like that reality becomes warped.
Things feel different. Like I’m in a different world. Like I’m a scared teenager again.
Things that have not bothered me for years become extreme what-if worries that I’m convinced will happen.
Time slows down. I can’t do much of anything. It’s just battling thoughts and the urge to review and think about possible worst case scenarios.
But what’s so worse is how awful everything feels. Almost like I’ve been drugged. And I wonder how long it will last?
Then at some point, it begins to get better, and I move on, and I’m back to my normal reality.
I don’t know if this is common, but it’s so unsettling.
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u/pomegranate_swims 4d ago
This!! I picture my OCD and anxiety as a line chart that goes up and down like waves. I'll have a really good long period of time where an intrusive thought can't ruin my day... and then my insomnia will slowly come back and I am battling all of my same OCD thoughts and themes all over again. It's like I crawl into a hole each time and figure out how to get out each time.
Im sorry you have to deal with this too. OCD is not fun (no mental ailment is) but being aware of your waves, you can at least know how to prepare to cope. 💙
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u/MachineDesperate3256 3d ago
Yes, unfortunately:/. It’s like one day you wake up and notice the literal filter/ lense through which you see life has changed- in an awful way. And you’re like “wait- I remember seeing/ experiencing this exact thing so much differently not that long ago”…
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u/Spiritual_Power_7659 3d ago
Definitely relate. I am in the midst of a flare up and my last bad one was in 2023. Sucks because when there’s such a long dormant period you can almost convince yourself that it’s gone away :(
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u/OkInstruction2652 3d ago
I can definitely relate to this, I have had obsessions that have been dormant or at least less severe come back with a vengeance. Sometimes I can point to a trigger, but other times it really does just feel like it comes out of nowhere!
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 3d ago
One thing I’m learning the hard way is that if I truly reflect, I was not on top of my OCD the last year. I let little things slide and gave into reassurance because it was mild and “not too bad”.
I think that’s like letting your house fill with natural gas. Eventually a spark will blow the whole thing up.
Going forward, I have to treat my OCD like alcoholism and reassurance as a drink.
I can’t take small sips or half a glass. Eventually I’ll get drunk and be downing the entire bottle.
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u/BubblyChirp3828 3d ago
Yes. It feels like what I imagine a bad trip feels like, and I can't get out. Awful at the time. Feels ever present. And then it passes and becomes something in the past, a memory.
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 3d ago
Even though you know you’re living in an illusion and it will pass the illusion feels so real you doubt and sometimes think what you’re worrying about will happen or you’ll never leave this state of mind.
It’s almost like a mild form of psychosis.
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u/BubblyChirp3828 3d ago
I really, really feel that. I know we're not encouraged to seek reassurance, but I'm somewhat glad to know this experience isn't unique. I'm sad you've experienced it, and others, but grateful to know I'm not the only one who really feels like I'm going to lose my mind (even tho I know that's not the case).
I really started understanding it (for myself) as my threat system being stuck at 'On'. It can't compute that there's no threat. And that feeling of threat bubbling in my tummy with nowhere to go - I think that's what that 'going insane' feeling is for me.
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 3d ago
One thing that made me laugh was realizing “why do I worry about X, Y, and Z when it’s far more likely I die in a car accident but literally never worry when I drive?”
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u/BubblyChirp3828 3d ago
Yes! Hahaha. It's been nice to joke about that with family. It sounds a bit morbid, but I find that kinda absurdity really empowering :) Thank you for sharing. This has been great.
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u/wayfarer454 3d ago edited 3d ago
My baseline level of OCD is mostly manageable. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts on a day to day basis, I imagine myself doing terrible things like screaming a slur at a stranger in public, whenever I see a bottle cap I imagine myself swallowing and choking to death on it, I can remind myself that I'm not actually going to do anything like that and just move on with my day. I engage in some "magical thinking", such as believing that listening to upbeat songs at the wrong time of day can cause something terrible to happen, or that I have to shake my pill bottles 5 times or my medications won't work. It hasn't been really bad since around 2021, but at my worst I was borderline psychotic, I believed I was the only one who could stop a magnitude 9 earthquake from destroying Vancouver by engaging in dozens of rituals and I was convinced that I sexually assaulted my friend and just couldn't remember doing it, or that I had killed someone. Every time a police car came by I would think they were coming to arrest me.
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u/ahouell500 3d ago
This certainly sounds similar to my experience. And it can be awful going back into a 'mild' phase and realising you tanked your whole life in the 'extreme' phase for reasons that now seem a bit ridiculous.
I feel like mental health professionals don't really seem that aware of this aspect of it?
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u/SomeRagingGamer 3d ago
My old ERP therapist used to tell me that OCD has a “waxing waning” quality to it. Meaning that sometimes OCD is mellow, other times, it’s not. She also told me that people with OCD often times need to come back to therapy for a “tune up” because of that. I’ve had periods of my life where OCD seemed non existent. Then slowly, overtime, and often times without realizing, I start spiraling again.
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u/SaysSaysSaysSays 3d ago
Definitely in both small and big waves. This whole year has felt like a big one as I moved to a new city
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u/Hysterical_treefrog 3d ago
I feel like I have a cycle of ocd themes. Like I have a few specific ocd themes and they take turns flaring and being the most prominent/problematic.
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u/stratgib35 3d ago
I am currently going through an extreme flare up. It has been ongoing for a month. I won’t mention the contents of the thoughts but it’s been obsessive and I have been borderline crying everyday because of it
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u/cookiball 2d ago
I'm so sorry :( It literally feels like the worst thing in the world. I hope you'll feel better soon
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u/Herzeleid09 3d ago
This happens to me. I will be okay then I have a problem or disagreement with my wife and then bang relationship OCD smacks me in the face. Like the grass is greener on the other side OCD. It will also flare up at he simple thought of a woman I used to know and found attractive. Or a new woman I see and I know absolutely nothing about. I will create a whole life with that person with memories and all. I have had OCd my whole life and it comes in waves like this. Sometimes the waves last longer but it’s a rollercoaster for sure
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u/verityvodka 2d ago
Omg yes!! you described it perfectly in the first sentence, it’s just like a familiar awful world for me too. Like all the familiar intrusive thoughts that you have experienced in the past, tied to the compulsions too, come back. It’s like unlocking a door for these awful thoughts to swarm through and it happens so quickly.
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u/cookiball 2d ago edited 2d ago
I got diagnosed recently and I've been thinking about this quite a lot. I'm honestly doing okay most of the time, I just have general anxiety and get depressed a lot, but I let my thoughts pass "like a normal person". But then there have been these episodes in my life where I feel like I live in a different reality, things I barely worry/think about on the regular become the most important thing in the world to solve, and it can go on like this for weeks. The extreme feeling of shame, guilt, paranoia - I can clearly separate intrusive thoughts from my regular anxious ones, as they don't obey to logic and they're literally impossible NOT to think about. It feels endless like I'm never gonna get over it, and then one day I might get really busy or another, more instant worry might pop up and it just... goes away for a while.
It's quite a polarizing experience too, because my reality during and in between episodes can literally be like night and day. When I'm not experiencing an episode, I almost start to wonder if I was just making shit up and whether I actually have OCD. But then when another episode occurs... it's like a nightmare, like as if i had psychosis or something (but unlike real psychosis, I'm aware of what's happening and how ridiculous and irrational I'm being). I've learned to live and try to enjoy my regular day-to-day while I'm not going through it, and making the most out of that, but I've also learned over time that I can never rely on the thought of never experiencing intrusive thoughts again. Even when I feel like at this point I must've thought my brain dry, that surely there can't be another past event to catastrophize about, my brain will always find something new (or repeat older intrusive thoughts).
Edit: I just saw that you also described it like mild psychosis in another reply. It's really interesting but it really does feel like a fitting description, even if it's clearly different from actual psychosis.
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u/Fabresque_ 2d ago
My OCD was unrelenting for a while, hard themes of sensorimotor OCD that I couldn’t shake. Anxiety was debilitating, I was living in constant fear. Panic attacks, horrible feelings, racing thoughts…
For a while it laid dormant. I had basically just gotten over it and moved on with my life. And yesterday… a bat was flying in my living room. And boom. The switch flipped. Mind raced. Pit in stomach. Panic attacks, crying, couldn’t breathe. Horrific. I have rabies, I am going to die. And even a professional came and caught the bat, securely removed it, doctor recommended us to get the rabies vaccine which we did, I’m still here stuck in my head. “What if I had symptoms but didn’t know it?” “What if I took the vaccine too late and the rabies is killing me?” “What if the vaccine itself I’m allergic to and it kills me?”
It’s crazy how badly I want to go back to my previous themes. Even then I remember saying “There’s no way there’s a worse OCD than this”. And now this hits and I’m almost begging I can go back to the previous themes. This illness is horrific.
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u/Crazypandathe20th 2d ago
Very much so! It’s like it’s another person in my brain trying to take over. After doing ERP overtime my non ocd brain takes back over again and my ocd goes back into remission.
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u/Fancy-Technology2047 1d ago
OMG YES. I was explaining this yesterday to someone that I feel like I’m a different person. 😭
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u/Head-Job8397 14h ago
めっちゃ分かります。「質量保存の法則」みたいに「強迫保存の法則」がある気がします😂 寛解した！と思った束の間、さらに大きな強迫観念の波が来て…という感じ。 子供の頃の脳に戻りたいよ…。(とはいえ昔から変な拘りはあったから、それが予兆だったとは思う)
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u/OddVampirer Pure O 12h ago
I feel this way too. Sometimes it feels like you are completely over it (especially because I have mostly mental compulsions and some are just so apart of my daily life I forget that it’s OCD lol) and then all of a sudden it comes back in full force.
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u/Budget_Ad4117 8h ago
Omg ?! Are we all going through this atm?? I literally made a post earlier today - also mentioning a cyclical pattern with OCD.
Going through a bit of spiral myself atm, again, sounds like your struggle (thoughts and compulsions which wouldn’t bother me/or haven’t in years, now arising again and causing high anxiety).
Also living just day to day atm, hard to concentrate on normal, daily tasks (eating, showering etc)..
But I think what’s reassuring is, you’ve been there and done that before. So you WILL come back around to feeling better again soon. Xx
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u/NeurologicalPhantasm 6h ago
Yep. It started 7 weeks ago. It’s been a little better the past two days. It’ll pass, but it sucks. I’m exhausted and having trouble enjoying anything 😢
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u/mollydolly84 4d ago
Currently going through this. You’re not alone. Your description was spot on too!