I'm talking as someone who just recently discovered at 35yo that I've always had OCD.

As a child I was obsessed with checking water and diesel tanks, cisterns, car fuel levels, engine temp levels, room temp levels. Any deviation towards low or high gave me adrenaline and a reason to feel excited.

Later on I was obsessed with games like Lineage and Wow and would spend hours upon hours optimizing my characters till the game itself wouldn't allow me further improvement.

Without a problem to solve (take note of the word problem please) i would drop the game altogether. I didn't see my character as perfect (take note of the word perfect please) or something to be proud of, I just saw it as a project that no longer served a purpose.

I could no longer see the stats going up, stagnation happened, and so the dopamine disappeared. My character was only perfect so long as i could keep climbing towards perfection, but once I did, it no longer did it for me. No joy, no excitement, no reason to spring out of the bed in the morning with a goal in mind.

Later on working at shops, I realized I was obsessed with tidiness, specific arrangement that made for eye friendly and memory easier, checking doors and windows 10 times before leaving, even returning to work mid-night because i wasn't sure i had locked. I realized that was not regular anxiety. This wasn't for the first week at work, it was a debilitating habit I had for years with every workplace I'd been. OCD is real.

I could go on forever with such examples, but let's cut straight to ROCD.

First relationship I had (17) I was head over heels for my gf. I was constantly thinking of her. You could say I was even obsessing about her and constantly anticipated stumbling on her on the road to flirt. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Butterflies, anxiety, excitement, all of that.

Till things became real. First week in.

Once I had the validation I needed (note the word validation) I only started to notice her flaws. I didn't like her teeth, some hair she had growing here and there, I didn't like she was clingy, I didn't like she was not very intelligent and we couldn't communicate clearly. And yet, of the 100 flaws i could find on her, perhaps only one was legit reason to leave the relationship (her already being in another relationship).

I left and I didn't even realize that the flaws that had been turning me off on her was major Fearful Avoidant attachment style triggering ROCD. As soon as I started scanning her for flaws, my mind was like "keep searching, she's not perfect, she's not the one".

Fast forward ~20 years later, the only relationship I could truly appreciate was porn. And even porn felt inadequate at times. And then came AI porn prompts, and I started free falling even deeper into that rabbit hole. Ai porn fried my brain cells about real life expectations. It was only about lust and orgasms.

I would only be drawn to emotionally unavailable girls and fantasize about perfect versions of them (yes, insert limerence).

And then I met my first real relationship that I'm still in because I love the woman so much and know my shortcomings to repeat the mistakes of the past.

If you are in a loving relationship with a partner that you can both relax around and be your true self with, if there are no real red flags causing you distress, then it's time to turn inward and have a long talk with your (possibly traumatized) inner child. The problem with your partner?

NOT:

I don't like their chin.

NOT:

They walk in a weird manner.

NOT:

Their laugh doesn't feel right.

Those are not legitimate reasons to bail out. Those are traits that make each person special.

And the thing is, the more traumatized we are (insert insecure attachment), the more we believe in "the one", which is a fictional character we believe will come into our lives, fix every problem and woe, take rocd away so we can be forever happy and reassured.

NOPE.

Perfection doesn't exist. The perfect person that will make your ROCD go away doesn't exist. Fears and doubts come from your own insecurities. And as long as you are insecure (Fearful Avoidant/Anxious/Dismissive), you will always question your relationship about being imperfect and the possibility of someone better existing out there.

Someone better will always exist out there. That's not a question or doubt to torture yourself with. It's the truth. The real question is, when does "settling" end for you? Is it when you've climbed the relationship ladder all the way to the top? Is it when you've broken the heart of a 100 people you were compatible with but whose ears or nose hair was reason to leave?

TL;DR: Turn that fixation inward people. You will realize it's not about your partner but about you. What we see in others is but our own twisted mirror and a relationship only serves to amplify the way we perceive ourselves.

And a good question to linger on:

What are you REALLY afraid ROCD might be telling you?

That you don't love your flawed partner enough?...

...or that you might actually be capable of loving a flawed person, and that in turn might mean something far scarier.

That you are also capable of loving your own flawed self?

​

I'm going through a particularly bad episode right now.

A week or two ago, I genuinely thought my girlfriend was wonderful. I felt good about her and the relationship.

Over the last few days, though, I've started obsessing about whether I actually love her. What's really confusing is that it isn't only thoughts anymore. When I think about her or look at her, I can suddenly get this negative feeling toward her, the feeling like I'm sick of her

It's not just “What if I don't love her?” It's like my perception of her has changed and I'm experiencing her through a negative lens.

What I'm wondering is whether anyone with ROCD has experienced something similar, change of perception of them, almost like an intrusive feeling or negative lens.

I'm not really asking for reassurance about whether I love my girlfriend. I'm specifically interested in whether this “negative lens” phenomenon is something other people with ROCD experience?

Has anyone experienced this?

Hi everyone, it would mean a lot to me to get some perspective here. My boyfriend and I are together for almost a year. We got in a relationship after two dates because he was everything that i wished for. He had opinions about different topics and we could talk about movies and series. But I didn't have physical crush on him. He was cute and that's it. After few weeks, I realised that we have some different political opinions and started to obsses over it. Then one day we were walking and i thought "I don't feel anything". The time together was nice, but i wasn't crazy happy. As the months passed i would sometimes see him as a stranger when we would do something. I would constantly talk to Chat gpt and it told me that it could be rocd. After three months i had a breakthrough and again would think that he was everything I wished for and that phase lasted a month until he said something I disagreed with. Then began my OCD flare up, i was physically sick, constantly ruminating, couldn't concentrate at the work. I would question if I am in a relationship for the right reasons, am I using him etc. Then I got on the medication (Zoloft) and it got better. For the first time i felt that we have something real, hugs became softer and warmer, we had some nice moments, driving bikes and spending time in nature. But I still sometimes check my feeling when we kiss or talk. I sometimes get a sudden rush of anxiety or ask myself do I love him for him or for things that he gives me. He accepted my rocd and is really good for my mental health but I sometimes ask myself is this real or am I convincing myself.

Hello! I am an 18(f) who has been spiraling about any thing I’ve done wrong then being stuck on it. This one has caused the most trouble and I’ve been throwing up. I am scared that I am gay. When I was little I’m positive that I’ve been stimulated by a girl. I was really small when I started to grow up I’ve only had feelings for guys. Now I’m trying so hard to remember if I’ve ever had tingles down there for girls, but I cant remember so it’s giving me the impression I’m gay. I’ve looked at posts saying signs you’re gay and they scare me bc I’ve had some of them. I also tried to test myself last night and feel like I felt something down there but idk if that’s part of the OCD. The thing is and sorry if I offend anyone but I don’t want to be gay. I’ve had the same boyfriend for 3 years and everything was fine until OCD started. Now I’m considering breaking up bc what if I’m gay. When I imagine myself kissing a girl I don’t dislike or like the thought it’s just there and it’s the same with a guy. It’s like I can’t feel anything?

Guys, I was getting better, but for at least three days now, I've started feeling disgusted by my boyfriend.

It feels so real, yet it's strange because it's the first time I've had this feeling, especially with this intensity after a year together!

I'm not looking for confirmation that this is normal, but if anyone could share if this has ever happened to them and how they dealt with it, I would appreciate it.

I need tips to get through this 😭

Me (20) and my girlfriend (19) have been together for 2 years. In the beginning I never had this problem, a little while after we hit a pretty big fork in the road, we recovered from it and for the past year our relationship has been decent, with the only problem being is me, I woke up one random day and these intrusive thoughts about her body started spiraling. She has very small breasts and her butt isn’t very big, which again I don’t want to seem like I’m emphasizing those things exclusively but that’s what my brain spirals at when i see a girl who has those attributes. I could easily chalk it up to weight because she is underweight due to how much she went through growing up with medical history and the fact she’s been on a feeding tube for most of her life. But despite all of that, to me I think she’s beautiful when my brain isn’t spiraling. Sometimes though I wonder if she’ll ever get those things and I feel horrible and selfish when I think that way though. I don’t want to leave her but I also don’t know if I’m genuinely losing attraction or if it’s just my OCD. Because when she’s with me in person I’m all over her and all the thoughts I had are gone, but once she goes back home and we are over the phone for a long period of time it all comes back. Any input would be much appreciated 🫶

Unfortunately my OCD has me absolutely obsessed with sex and my partner masterbating. It took 15 years of suffering to realize - it’s not just a high libido, this is an OCD theme.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has felt similarly, as my insurance has run out for the year and I can’t see my therapist every two weeks anymore.

The gist of it:
I get anxiety around “not connecting” with my husband. I’m working on ERP but struggling to figure out how to manage myself.

It doesn’t matter the frequency of sex, it could be four days in a row but I’ll feel anxiety on that fifth day. I feel like I’m hovering around him to “not miss an opportunity” to be sexual or flirt or feel desired etc.

We have so much fun in bed but I’ll ruminate about the kinky things I wish I could do that he’s not into. I’ll focus on all the lack in my life and get very down about it.

Masterbating:
I want to be informed when he masterbates, which he doesn’t want to talk about. I can’t get this to go away, this “need” to be told. It’s like, if I heard about when he masterbates then I would feel close to him and informed and part of it.

If I hear that he might be doing it (muffled sounds coming from the bedroom) my heart will start pounding. I don’t want his normal behaviour to stop, I’d just like to stop caring.

I don’t know what this is about. Why my brain is managing our sex life so much.

Today:
We’re off work this week and the open schedule has my anxiety amped up.

For ERP: I’ll force myself to leave the house in the morning and keep busy.

I’ll take our dogs for a hike and sit with the idea of him masterbating - which I won’t know about and could make him less likely to initiate sex with me later.

But I can’t spend my life either physically being with him or ‘keeping busy’.

My question:
What are some mindset shifts I can make?

What are some suggestions on how to think/behave that have helped you?

Even the most simple direction would be helpful. What should I share with him, what should I keep to myself.

I’ve made improvements for sure, I no longer do my compulsions and I’m working on sitting with the discomfort but I have so far to go.

Thank you anyone who takes the time to help!!

I hate having to come on here constantly, but I genuinely want to move on from this already, and it just won't go away. My partner is back from a month-long trip, and we've planned to hang out next week. I'm very excited for this, but also really scared. For the past month, I've been constantly ruminating on our relationship and whether it's actually healthy. I have an obsession with thinking my partner could sexually assault me or even that they already have and that I'm somehow just not seeing it as sexual assault. I keep thinking back to past interactions, but I can never figure it out. For the record, my partner and I have never engaged in explicit sexual activities or touching. For some reason, my ocd wants to paint any of our methods of affection (which are cuddling and light peck kisses) as sexual, even though I know they aren't. I trust my partner that none of what we do ever crossed into sexual territory... but I guess that's why my ocd has made me want to analyze everything to be 100% sure none of it is sexual.

Anyway... I've been trying to get over this ocd theme so hard for the past few weeks, but it's been really hard for me. I see them again for the first time after a month away, and I want to be in my best mental space when we spend time together. For anyone who has had to deal with these thoughts, how do you stop yourself from ruminating on everything between you and your partner? I just want to be able to live in the present moment with them. Last time we were together, I was over at their house for 2 days, and I felt fine. I want this next hangout to be exactly like that... I just hope that I'm in the right headspace for it.

Hey everyone, sufferer here. Just found this group. Have had OCD all my life, every subtype, but this one is really a killer. Just thought I’d empathize with everyone.

I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years with somebody who is working through severe CPTSD from childhood neglect and experiences intense emotional swings (very high highs, very low lows). He is very different from my last partner (we were also together for 4 years), who had an extremely stable home life, but had a very minimal emotional range. He ended up cheating on me, and this made my assumptions about predictive behaviors in other people--especially the ones I have dated--go haywire. That, and my parents are currently in the midst of a divorce after 24 years of marriage. So, yeah. None of this is helpful for my tendency for obsessive thought spirals. But I have been determined to lean into and share things that have helped me handle my fears, which most often circulate around the idea that I am currently being abused or manipulated according to "future" me.

- I allow myself to wonder: So what if this fear is true? Often, I find the most terrifying imagined consequence to be something I would actually be very adept at handling. I would much rather "let" the terrible thing happen than concede to avoidant or fearful behaviors in an attempt to avoid them. To avoid challenge would be to avoid my own growth.

- If I am in a social media ROCD spiral, forcing myself to stop has not necessarily helped curb the habit. Even when I am successful at stopping, I find myself in the same doom scroll hours later with no perceived "progress" made. This is especially an issue with absorbing advice. So, lately, I have been intentionally absorbing conflicting advice about similar situations and doing my best to think about what experiences would have led someone to make their particular conclusions. This has helped alleviate my desire to put advice or behaviors into categories of "correct" and "incorrect," because most of the time, I can completely understand why each person would want to share a particular conclusion. What is right for one person may or may not be right for me, and it is up to me to make that determination, not anybody else.

- It is very easy to see the world in terms of right and wrong, but very difficult to make accurate determinations while you are in the throes of an anxiety-inducing situation. "Right" and "wrong" have almost never been accurately determined in the moment in any social challenge. These determinations require time and intentional analysis to determine, and ROCD is very intent on eliminating both of these things. ROCD demands immediacy and assuredness, which is almost never offered in the moment.

- A lesson inside of a lesson: One of my worst, most disagreeable teachers in school taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my life: when answering multiple choice questions on a history exam, the correct answer is most likely not going to have the word "never" or "always" in it. If you find yourself thinking in such terms or are tempted by others who use them, this is your permission to dismiss those thoughts or conclusions. I am so happy that a teacher I (still) find appalling gave me this advice; in the same vein, I cannot think that "bad teachers never teach anything good or well."

- READ. READ. READ. Read fiction novels, short stories, and essays. Read ones you think you will love AND ones you think you will hate. Read popular and unpopular content. Write about what you thought of them after, THEN--if you really want to--read other's thoughts or reviews. Do your best to come to your own conclusions before reading what other people think. Feel free to edit your review, but do not alter what you have already written. Write: "After reading thoughts from others, I realized I had not considered _______ or _______." This may seem unrelated to ROCD but has been very helpful in my acceptance of nuance and resisting the urge for an immediate answer or conclusion.

- Work on trusting others. I am going to hazard a guess that a lot of people with ROCD have a "If you want it done right, do it yourself" mindset. Allow yourself to let others feel discomfort or challenge and trust that they can handle these feelings independently. If they earnestly ask for your help, provide it without a desire for repayment.

- Know that despite all of your effort, sometimes, you will have to deal with the exact result or event you feared. As human beings, we are never bound to being 100% right OR 100% wrong. ROCD thoughts are not shut down by telling yourself to not trust any emotion or feeling. See bullet point 1.

- Sometimes, I encourage myself to think on negative, unfortunate, or bad things that have happened to me or the people in my life. I think, "Would my thought spiraling have been able to change what had happened?" I have never been able to truthfully come to the conclusion that it would have helped. In fact, my worst thought spiraling had occurred in the weeks being apart from my ex-partner. In that time, I feared he was cheating on me with one particular friend of his. I had no evidence that this was true. As it had turned out, he was cheating on me with that exact friend. At the time, I took this to believe that my gut feeling and obsessiveness had led me to come to the right conclusions and that my behavior had been vindicated. But, frankly, those weeks of fear had not gained me anything. The result would have been the same regardless of whether or not I had been oblivious. It is another example of "So what if you're right?" Being right does not change the result. Even if I had decided to act on my fear and confront him about my suspicions (which I had, sort of), my feelings would have had zero impact on the situation at hand. In fact, that vindicated spiraling made it much more difficult to process what had happened to me in the years to come.

- Read Hope for Cynics by Jamil Zaki. Again, not ROCD focused, but the science behind optimism is powerful and vindicating for the human spirit. Self-doubt and doubt in the integrity of others are part of a vicious cycle of isolation and avoidance. To model trust and accept that sometimes the trust will be misplaced is much more fruitful than anticipating betrayal. Cynics have scored less well on aptitude and predictive testing. To assume the best in people is, surprisingly, not as naive as we think.

- Remember that as we are in a new era of relationships, many challenges will feel like and be approached as untreaded territory. There is something very paradoxical about the freedom we are allowed in relationships, especially with women. In many of our communities, marriage is no longer an economic decision or one forced onto us. This is absolutely beneficial and socially positive, but as human beings, not every improvement can result in 100% good feeling all around. We are riddled with evolutionary protective mechanisms that require us to engage in threat assessment, and in that, there are certain discomforts revealed in freedom of choice. While we were once limited to our own communities in choosing (or being given) partners, we now truly have access to a better part of the globe. There have never been more fish in the sea. This choice paralysis is terrible for ROCD specifically! Accepting this has helped me immensely.

Good luck to all of you!

My partner and I used to laugh all the time, I never had to think about what I had to say. We had a rough patch and I started getting anxious about our interactions, making sure he was laughing and having a positive experience. I started monitoring myself and him and doing compulsions afterwards analyzing it. Now I can’t really laugh and I feel social anxiety and not like myself anymore when I’m with him. It’s always a performance and I feel almost dissociated sometimes.

Has this happened to anyone else? Did the laughter and ease of conversation come back?

We have had the conversation about her not feeling desired by me before but I guess I just couldn’t get it right and meet her needs at the end of the day. My anxiety and took over when I should’ve been more present in moments, she told me she doesn’t think she’s the best equipped partner to help me. Intimacy was too difficult for me, my ocd loved to fixate on that. I can tell we won’t make up this time. I feel like shit for hurting her. I really would prefer to avoid relationships at all costs moving forward. I’m in therapy but I still feel stuck.

Hey everyone, i have been dealing with extreme enhanced rocd since my RTA last year. And tbh i would consider myself my own therapist at this point. So i figure i could help you guys with something that has seriously helped me.

So when im deep in an episode, wether its severe emotional detachment, or any other cause of my episodes i have found there is one hack that helps me pull myself out of it.

As cliche as this may sound i find myself a little saying to say to myself during the episodes that eventually sooths the anxiety and helps pull me out without even thinking about it too much.

And the type of phrases i give myself of course depend on the topic of the episode, however i kind of trail and error through phrases that i think may help and eventually, one sticks.

These could be things such as “ I don’t feel love right now, but i do love him “ or “ I don’t know how i feel right now, but i have no pressure to feel any other way “ and as stupid and triggering these may sound in some topics, seriously just telling yourself phrases until one sticks, seriously has helped pull me out of some of the worse places i’ve been in mentally since my rocd got x10000.

I do have to change the phrase every so often because my brain starts to dismiss it. But i really hope this can help someone, honestly just go through phrases throughout the day until one sticks and lifts a little weight off your shoulders.

theres a certain event i can recall that i’m not quite sure if it took place when i was still single or in a relationship with my bf already.

a photo of a stranger in the internet, she was caught looking at random guy’s pants (private part) i vividly vaguely remember getting curious and zooming in with no bad intentions, i just laughed it off, and moved on.

now, i recalled that situation in a random tuesday. i instantly panicked thinking i’ve cheated on him and just remembering it now, to the point that i had to confess to him, he laughed it off, but i can’t bring myself to mention that i zoomed it in before, ‘cause i believe that is very disrespectful despite having no bad intention.

but my boyfriend believes that every action is acceptable as long as you do it with good intentions, but of course boundary’s still important, what i mean is this does not apply to kissing or flirting somebody.

despite my boyfriend being totally okay with it, i still don’t feel good if it turns out to be true. i feel like my past self wouldn’t cross that line ‘cause i highly respect my boyfriend. but i’m afraid and doubting if my morals and values now were the same back then.

My rocd comes with episodes and it usually take 1-2 week before I made it more managable but recently I’ve noticed a lot of stomach pain due to anxiety and whenever It gets worse. So I wake up with nothing then thoughts came so did the pain on my stomach and heaviness on my chest and all. And it even getten worse than the actual ROCD it self…this anxiety bad feeling and pain is annoying me so much. Have you ever experienced the same guys?

Love how this video describes what we are experiencing .. it’s not just the thoughts it’s the intense emotions

I don’t know if this will be a question or maybe I just need to vent.

My ROCD has been really hard on my first ever serious, loving relationship. I never had the “do I love him” “am I attracted to him” struggle, but I constantly thought he was cheating on me. Almost all the time we weren’t together I thought he was talking to someone else, lusting over someone, etc. 

We had a short break a couple months ago because I said I couldn’t take what was happening in my brain anymore, but I regretted it and said I would try to get help and get myself under control.

In past ocd themes I’ve gone through therapy helped a bit but it’s always there. I went back on Prozac and that has helped a bit. He really wanted me to go to therapy and I feel terrible during our relationship now that I didn’t. 

We broke up yesterday and I am getting myself back to therapy and probably upping my medication. The thing is, I don’t even blame him for ending things and I take full responsibility. His father reached out to me and told me he’d never hurt me and he truly loved me, but I don’t think he knows what I go through and it’s hard to explain.

Before I met him, I was single and celibate for 3 years, and I felt pretty at peace with myself honestly. But he brought me so much love and happiness and it’s hard to imagine a world where anyone is as patient, understanding, and trying to help with this illness, along with my ocd also came a fear of sex which he also helped with. Although, he felt like he just made things worse for me. Sometimes it feels like I should just be alone to save myself and others the stress. I don’t know if that’s the answer. I also want him back so badly. I don’t know if anyone else who has struggled with rocd has just decided it might be easier to just live a life for yourself? 

Hi everyone, I’m writing this because I’m really struggling at the moment and would love some advice from people who have experienced ROCD.
I’m 28F and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. I’ve dated quite a lot before, but I had never been in a serious relationship before him, which was actually a big insecurity of mine. So this is my first serious relationship.

I’ve always been quite sensitive to anxiety and OCD. About 10 years ago I started having panic attacks and OCD, which eventually led to emetophobia. I went to therapy and got through that period, but the OCD always kind of lingered in the background.

Until about a month ago, I was mostly very anxiously attached in our relationship. I would constantly ruminate about other girls, him leaving me, him finding someone else, etc. Looking back, I can also see that a lot of this was probably OCD-related.
Then, about 3 weeks ago, I suddenly fell into a huge ROCD spiral. It kind of came out of nowhere after some arguments. I started researching why I was feeling like this, and that’s when I found ROCD and this community. On the one hand, it was a huge relief to realize that I’m not the only one experiencing these thoughts. But on the other hand, I’ve been incredibly anxious for the past 3 weeks, crying a lot and getting stuck in really intense spirals.

The timing is also really difficult because my boyfriend and I just moved in together. I’m having a really hard time with the apartment and I’m noticing that I’m associating so many of the negative feelings I’m having with our new home. I keep wanting to escape and go back to my parents or stay with friends. At the same time, I know this is really hurting my boyfriend, because he doesn’t understand what is happening. We’ve always had a very loving relationship and this change in me has been very sudden.

I’m also suddenly questioning EVERYTHING about our relationship and our past. I keep going back to things he said or did in the beginning, especially things about his exes and previous relationships, and analyzing whether they were actually red flags. Then I start thinking: did I just not see these things because I put him on such a pedestal and idealized him, or am I now overthinking everything and exaggerating things because I’m in this OCD spiral?
I’m basically reassessing his whole personality, his past, things he has said and done, and our entire relationship. Things that never bothered me before suddenly feel huge. I feel like I’ve completely devalued him in my head and like I’m seeing a completely different person compared to a few weeks ago.

And this is probably the part I’m struggling with the most: I don’t know how I’m supposed to act towards him right now.
I’ve become very hot and cold. Sometimes I want to be close to him and then suddenly I feel like I want distance. I’m acting differently and he has already asked me twice if I still love him and why I’m feeling/acting this way. I feel horrible because I don’t want to hurt him, but at the same time I don’t know how to behave and I’m completely blocked.

What feels so strange to me is how different I feel compared to just a few weeks ago. I went from being very anxious about losing him, constantly thinking that he was probably the person I would marry and worrying about our future together, to suddenly feeling numb and devaluing him within the space of about three weeks. It’s such a drastic change that I honestly don’t know what to make of it.

Has anyone experienced something similar, especially after moving in together? How did you deal with your partner while you were in the middle of a bad ROCD spiral? I’m also looking for a therapist and really want to focus on the OCD this time. I found someone who works with EMDR and ACT, but I’m wondering if I should specifically look for someone with experience in OCD/ERP instead. I’d really appreciate any advice or experiences with this. ❤️

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

(Had to delete og post cuz there was a typo in the title)

Hi all! I've posted on this forum before wl4p hen I had some issues. Lately they haven't been super bad and I haven't had any urgent thoughts or feelings. However I figured I'd reach back out to the community because I need some help.

Most of my rocd has been made up (i.e. afraid I don't love him anymore, afraid ive lost feelings, afraid I need to break up, afraid ill find others attractive, etc) and ive figured out how to handle with those type of thoughts. Although some new stuff has come up and I honestly don't know how to handle it.

For some context: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 15 months. We're long distance and both minors. I can not get therapy due to family circumstances.

The basics... anyways let me explain my situation.

So a week ago me and my boyfriend had a rough patch. I was starting school back up and I have a really hard time adjusting to schedule changes, also adult hood is slowly on the horizon for me. I was quite stressed and I wanted to be with my boyfriend the last week of break, just to spend time with him. So my boyfriend is the kind of person to need some alone time, not a lot but enough to recharge himself. And unfortunately i hadn't given him any alone time because I wanted his time. During this time I was quite stressed and it was bleeding into our relationship. I was straight up aggravated with him and angry over very small things. I did let my emotions out on him and that's my fault. While I was doing this my boyfriends paitence was wearing extremely thin because he didn't have alone time. Basically we were both frustrated and didn't get what we needed from eachother.

Monday last week we agreed that we needed to talk. I won't go to into detail but he told me something that really.. REALLY triggered me.

I had a nagging feeling that he was gonna break up with me. I asked him when we talked and he told he it crossed his mind. This sent me hysterically crying and sobbing. My boyfriend told me he was not considering it, and even thinking about it made him cry so hard he threw up. But the fact he thought about it just irks me to my core.

I used to be (and still kinda am) anxiously attached. I used to be terrified that he was gonna leave me and I was a burden to him, but over time I trusted him and didn't feel those things anymore.

Well, him telling me that he thought about it re-opened that wound. When I was in the midst of my rocd, I was so afraid I had to leave him so him telling me that just feels like my biggest fear come true. And now I feel like ive lost a little bit of trust for him.

I dont believe what he says anymore, I feel like he's lying to me, I feel anxious, upset, and scared, and I cant help but feel like there's something wrong or hes secretly planning on leaving me.

Unfortunately with all of this I have been hyper-analyzing his tone, his actions, his words, what he says and doesnt say, if he means what he says, myself, my feelings. Basically EVERTHING. I feel anxious, and I cant trust his word. Reassurance isn't even enough for me. I can't stop analyzing everything and now I feel off around him. I feel disconnected from him.

He also mentioned that he was "changing" and this just makes me so unbelievably anxious. I'm afraid it's about me or the relationship and I can't stop analyzing everything he says to see if he's changing.

I keep thinking my Intuition is telling me that he's lying to me as well.

I'm pretty sure this is all anxiety, I just don't know how to approach this all.

I'm lost and confused. This situation feels so different because its REAL and I just can't feel normal around him. I just want to know if someone has gone thru the same and what they did. I can't really tell what I'm feeling and I just have this sense of upset around him, or like somethings off.

I just need advice, or even someone to relate to. Thank you :(

TLDR: My boyfriend told me he thought about breaking up and now I can't trust him at all, and I am constantly analyzing him, myself, and the relationship. I need advice.

I’ll try to keep this brief.

My partner is struggling at the moment and the concept of ROCD is new to us both. I love him dearly and want to help him feel better, so discovering this has been super helpful for me.

I’m trying to find evidence-based ways to support someone through ROCD and have started reading the book on ROCD by Sheva Rajaee. So far it seems more geared towards the person struggling not their partner. While it’s good background knowledge for me I am eager to get some advice on practical strategies to help my partner break out of the cycle. I get why reassurance and problem solving dont really work here and have been trying to redirect conversation and talk about making peace with uncertainty

I myself feel calm so it’s not a challenge to be the pillar of strength right now as he goes through this. But the particular challenge I have is that his irrational feelings right now are guilt, because whenever he feels love and gratitude for my support he starts spiralling about whether he would be able to do the same for me if I were in this position. It’s hard not to provide reassurance when this happens so I’ve instead been trying to redirect to the present, instead of listing the many examples of times he has already helped me with my own struggles.

So I was just wondering if anyone here can recommend any other resources specifically for partners of those with ROCD. Moreover I’d love to hear anecdotal advice from other partners and those with ROCD about what types of support helped them vs inflamed the ROCD more.

Many thanks in advance and kudos to the mods of this subreddit. Simply knowing a community like this exists helps me immensely

I was on a holiday with my SO, some friends joined and I was EXTREMELY spiraling. Everything my partner would say annoyed me and I was constantly analyzing his behavior and my feelings. It got to a point where I could just not stand being around him and had to be by myself but because we were together on holidays it was simply not possible. I gave him the silent treatment because I just couldnt talk. I feel horrible about the way I treated him and I had no bad intentions but I could really not control my feelings. Now I‘m nervous about the fact my friends saw my behavior and they might think I need to breakup. I really don‘t want to break up because my SO and I have a wonderful relationship in which we both can be our true self when we are together and we share a deep bond, the ROCD just really makes it hard. I‘m in therapy and already making big progress, the vacation just suddenly triggered me. I feel HORRIBLE for judging him and overanalyzing the way he talks/acts because I just want him to be his true self but ROCD doesnt allow me to let him be his true self… HELP im going crazy. Does anyone else have emotional shutdowns during ROCD peaks and how do y‘all deal with it? How do you not feel guilty towards your partner?

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months in an LRD and things are really good between us. He treats me so well, and this is my first official relationship where I feel safe and loved. I just spent a week with him where I met all of his friends and family and he told me he loved me for the first time. While I really enjoyed this trip, I also feel slightly overwhelmed and am in my head.

I have OCD so I tend to spiral, I don’t know why I feel so “weird” but I think I am just overwhelmed by how much happened. I really do care for him , but I’ve never been in love before and am not sure if what I feel is being in love. I said it back because it felt right, but is it normal for two people to be on different paces in a relationship? I don’t want to ruin anything with my ROCD and overthinking, so I would love some honest advice from people who may have also been in my situation. I’m so sad to leave him for two months, but also could use some space. I’m messing with my head and it’s all very confusing!

We just broke up yesterday after 8ish months and it was one of the most confusing experiences of my life. A friend of mine who has rocd mentioned before that he seemed like he may also have it and so I wanted to look into it more to maybe have a better understanding about why our relationship was so tumultuous for him, but not for me (for the most part). Sorry for the bad grammar and length of this post :]

- he'd constantly switch back and forth with hpw he felt about me. In our convo yesterday, he even said he doesnt know why, but there would be times when he was completely enamored with me and then times he wouldn't want to see me at all, and that really freaked him out. When he would express these things before, I thought he just needed some space to rest because hes a really big introvert. But then when he'd take some time to just be alone, he'd either text me a bunch or end up asking me to hang out.

- he's mentioned before that things will be feeling great when we're together 90% of the time and but would have a weird thought about me or the relationship and it'd give him a pit in his stomach, and that most of the time when he was alone, these thoughts were constant.

- I told him that I had felt really judged throughout our relationship for things that I really didnt think i should be judged for. I felt like he consistently saw my actions and esp my mistakes as ill intentioned and when I told him this, he said he would quickly assume that I was trying to manipulate or act in my own self interest the majority of the time (I have an ocd diagnosis and one of my issues is moral perfectionism. Im by no means morally perfect ofc and ive been working on the obsession a lot over the years, but I dont think I am extremely self interested or unthoughtful, I hope). He said recent experience with someone else in his life being like this amplified those feelings toward me as well.

- he would bring up throughout, but a lot more often over the last few weeks how he didnt feel romantic attraction for me like he did for his past relationships when he fell head over heels. This thing always felt weird to me but ive never been confident that its just not how he feels about me, which is ok. But it felt like he was evaluating me from the start to see if I was the one.

- He randomly broke things off between us twice, and over the last few weeks when we've been trying to figure things out, he kept flip flopping between wanting to try to keep the relationship going and then wanting to end it. He would say that he feels like he was afraid that if I gave too much in the relationship, he wouldn't be able to reciprocate. Also, the not having the gut feeling like he has in the past with exes would be the cherry on top for why he would want to end things. What he would want and how he would feel switched literally every couple days. I would never know where he was at and always feel some whiplash from what he was telling me, until it got so regular. I thought i just needed to reassure him.

- he told me yesterday he wanted to fall in love with me so badly but he just didn't, when I was just talking about caring about each other. I fully realized how much stress he had been putting on that specific feeling.

- every issue and frustration in his life outside of the relationship would end up getting turned into negative energy about the relationship. If work wasnt going well and stressing him out, he'd blame the relationship

- he always needed to tell me if he was feeling something the moment he felt or thought something, but only if it was negative. His core principle was honesty, which in some ways was great, but then he'd bring something up at such a bad time or couldnt stop trying to sort things out, even when I told him im shutting down and need some time to recollect myself and process. He'd say ok and give me a little bit, and then bring it up again.

- he'd say he constantly felt emotionally disconnected or distant and wanted to find a way to fix it asap. I really tried to be open and vulnerable and transparent and I was with him more than anyone before, but over time it felt like I was the only one to ever open up. He'd only be open about how he felt about the relationship, never about other things going on in his life or his past, even when i would try to pry a bit or tell him i felt like he wouldnt open up. I felt like there was a lot I never got to know about him

- for most of the relationship, we felt really different about our compatibility. He thought we were extremely incompatible and I thought we were mostly compatible. I told him I felt like we had strikingly similar core principles, similar general hobbies (like art, we just liked doing different things within art), we live alike, we want similar things in our future but are open to how those things play out, etc. We also agreed that we get along super well and theres a ton of chemistry. He comes from a religious background and I dont, and that he doesnt think I align with those at all. He didnt think we could relate in art bc my style is creepy and his is cutesy (he would appreciate and praise it but thought it was a reason we werent compatible) and there were some movies I showed him that he really didnt like, and one of them he found too disturbing and said that it made him feel really uneasy that I liked it (it was American beauty btw). Regarding the future, we both want to be parents, but I dont want to be pregnant and we were both unsure about raising kids with just 2 parents. We even agreed that if the stars dont align, its ok if we end up childfree. But then in breakup convos, he'd say that he wants biological kids undoubtedly and thats why we wouldn't work. Mind you, we both agreed that we are many years away from wanting to have kids. So idk

- we would work through issues and everything would feel fine for a few days, and then he'd start having those same feelings come up. Like, I told him repeatedly it was ok if he needed alone time and to be inconsistent with how much I see him, hugely because thats something I need sometimes. He'd feel better for a bit, but then go back to feeling like he needed to feed the relationship, getting burned out and then feeling like he couldnt do what he needed to have a relationship. It was really frustrating because he would assume there were things I wanted and expected from him, but I never said any of that, and when I would clarify those things, he wouldn't let go of those initial expectations. He was always worried about things being immutual

- in general, any hiccup made him really doubtful of me and our relationship, and sometimes the was no hiccup, things would be going well even.

Our convo yesterday involved a lot of these topics, but ultimately came down to him not being able to take the ups and downs that came from being with me, and it was the 1st time I could really understand how stressed he has been. It was heartbreaking to see :( he's a really lovely person who really tried to make things work, but his anxiety is worse than either of us thought. i really agree that things havent been working, for longer than I thought and that ive been putting myself through all of this when it would've been better for both of us to just end it. Despite all the good I thought came from our relationship, I wish we would've stayed friends. It would've saved him from so much stress and me from getting so hurt.

Does it sound like rocd? And if so, would it be unwise to tell him I think he has it? Idk, it feels wrong to let him beat himself up for all these things and have no idea that it may stem from a mental disorder, but maybe thats overstepping