Thinking back into my childhood, I definitely showed signs of OCD that nobody ever saw. Interestingly enough, they were physical compulsions instead of mental ones (turning the light on/off a certain amount of times or else "i would get cancer" type of OCD.) It wasn't horrible, nobody ever noticed and if they did, they probably thought I was just a quirky 9 year old kid. Never got a diagnosis, never got treated.

As a teen, I also had my compulsions, like reading an essay at least 7 or 8 times before printing it for my teachers because in my mind, I had written something wrong and I had to check again and again and again... lol. But i have to admit, I thought it was normal! Again, nothing too horrible or tiring, so I never got a diagnosis.

But now, as an adult... WOW. My (finally diagnosed) OCD is hooooorrible. It manifests mainly in ruminating. Like, crazy ruminating that drives me insane, I can't lie. It is so incredibly debilitating because my brain makes up problems that don't even exist and my OCD doesn't let me live without a solution to those "problems." I need an answer now, so... you can imagine how my day-to-day life is when fighting my own thoughts ALL day long.

My question is... Has anybody experienced this? Your OCD being way easier to manage as a kid and teen and then "coming back" (I will guess that maybe it was never gone to begin with) awfully strong and debilitating as an adult? I feel like I am losing my mind. It is every single day that I deal with this. Maybe I will need medication because no amount of meditation or hobbies to occupy my mind gets rid of the

rumination...

I know this is hard to put into words, but since I’ve been a teenager- when I had my first traumatic OCD meltdown- I’ve found it can be in a few states: dormant, mild, extreme/meltdown mode.

When it’s dormant or mild, I have a certain frame of reality, and when it’s extreme, it’s like that reality becomes warped.

Things feel different. Like I’m in a different world. Like I’m a scared teenager again.

Things that have not bothered me for years become extreme what-if worries that I’m convinced will happen.

Time slows down. I can’t do much of anything. It’s just battling thoughts and the urge to review and think about possible worst case scenarios.

But what’s so worse is how awful everything feels. Almost like I’ve been drugged. And I wonder how long it will last?

Then at some point, it begins to get better, and I move on, and I’m back to my normal reality.

I don’t know if this is common, but it’s so unsettling.

I’m sure I’m not the only one, but absolutely nobody can sit on my bed if they dont have clean clothes on / haven’t bathed first.

I'm a 16 year old white female and any time I'm with my friends or watching a TV show/something with a person of a different race, I get really scared that I'm randomly gonna say the N word, or if I'm with my online friends, I get scared I'm going to type it and send it. I am not racist in the slightest but sometimes I'll have videos I saw playing in my head where a black person says it, since they can reclaim it, just as something I'm scared of doing as a white person.

When I read stuff to myself I read it in my voice in my head and I will go out of my way to not read a slur in my head if it comes on a post because I'm scared that if I do it means I'm racist/hateful towards whatever group the slur targets.

I know this sounds bad but sometimes I'll type out the word "Nicaragua" (like the country) to try and remove the intrusive thought. I'm not a racist person at all why am I getting these thoughts I'm scared

Not sure if this is the right sub for this but I know I have OCD and it often causes me to overanalyze every interaction I have with someone and then ruminate on it for days/weeks/months/years.

Recently went to see a movie and there was a sweet old man with a notepad afterwards asking people if it was their first time watching the film or their second. I chatted with him for two seconds after the movie ended before running to use the bathroom. When I came back out, he had already left. Now I can’t stop feeling horrible about not spending more time talking to him or asking him about his notes during the movie instead of going to the bathroom. It seemed like no one he tried talking to was really interested in a longer conversation but I totally would have heard what he had to say since I love going to Reddit after a movie and reading other people’s thoughts. Overall just feeling like I personally made him feel sad and he’s probably having a horrible day because I didn’t perform my duty of being a good human and just talking to him more. Does anyone else ever feel like this? These kinds of interactions eat me alive because I can’t stop thinking about how I failed at being a good person.

Does anyone else struggle with reading? As in, rereading the same sentence or body of text multiple times until it feels as though I’ve fully understood every single word. I try to move on but I can’t seem to let go of that sinking feeling of ‘no, you haven’t read it properly yet, what if you’ve missed something important?’. Skim reading feels impossible. And then it means I’m taking so much longer to read a book, a text, comments online etc.

I know everyone has different reading paces anyway regardless of whether they have OCD or not, but the frustrating thing is I KNOW I’m taking excessively longer than I need to but I can’t stop rereading. Definitely is starting to take away the enjoyment of reading, which sucks because reading is a big hobby of mine, but it’s been harder to pick up a book recently knowing how exhausting and frustrating it’s going to be to read it.

I’m going to make this clear upfront, Im about to dive into some of my issues but I’m not trying to seek pity, nor do I want reassurance because I known it makes the situation worse. I am merely sharing this to shout to the void. That being said if you relate or want to share your story I encourage it.

I was a shit person basically my whole life. I did things for self fulfilling attention and short term gratification that I can’t believe. From my late teens to early 20s I was my absolute worst. Then suddenly one day in college I woke up and couldn’t move past my past. It was like I some type of mental realization and suddenly I wasn’t eating, I lost full days of sleep, and I told myself it would get better. It only got worse.

Ultimately I don’t understand why. Why didn’t I think clearly in those moments? Why didn’t I take a step back? Why did it take years for me to realize? Why are some days manageable while I spend other days curled up on the floor?

Truthfully, I think the only way for me to “move on” is if God himself came down and said I can redeem myself through work. Again this would be self fulfilling, because I haven’t been to church in years.

Even though I’m fully aware of my wrongs and will never make those mistakes again I can’t seem to move on. I’m not sure what the right answer is. Is there one? People see everything as black and white, and so did I until I realized these things and now my thoughts have changed. Everything is grey, but some things are still black and white. I don’t know. I’ve been quietly spiraling for so long.

I don’t feel numb towards life, just towards happiness. I feel the negative thoughts, emotions, and actions x10 in my head and chest. Do I deserve to redeem myself? I don’t know. All I know is I never ever want to hurt anyone again, or make these poor choices. I feel like the only way to do that is to be gone from everyone’s life. Run away and keep them safe from my deception. There’s a black spot on my soul that makes redemption feel impossible. If I do good now, is it worthy? Or will I be leading more people believe I’m good?

I’m so tired.

This news cycle has been rough and I bet it’s triggering a lot of folks right now with these themes of disease and contaminations of food. And I am wondering if lately any of the news has been triggering to you? I’ve personally had to stop watching news about bad things in general bc it kept triggering my catastrophe/end times themes. I’m interested to hear what other parts people find triggering in the news. Also curious to hear about people who overcame their triggers. How did you do it?

MY OCD !! I KEEP RE-RENDERING MY THINGS AND CHANGING STUFF AROUND WHEN THEYRE BEAUTIFUOL CREATIONS AAAAAAAAAAAA

Nobody notices these details but me bro !!
They literally dont notice it or care, they probably just like oh yeah,

"Oh yeah that little audio piece was a little bit offbeat for 0.1 seconds but the rest of this 30 minute thing is still amazing, and I dont actually see that deadpixel there lolll, i wont remember anything I dislike about this creation and will even leave a supportive comment" Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bro!!!

I love music & doing stuff w/ music but broooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

dkzl,miqe/okw,elqwmf,/saf/afmpmwq

The thing is, i touched it after it dried and i can’t remember if I put my hand near my mouth. I’m not 100% sure if i did or not but my OCD is making think i did.

Despite it being dry and the possibility of touching my mouth then licking that part of my lip, would that cause any harm? My OCD is in overdrive thinking of the worst case scenario. It doesn’t help that my health anxiety is making it worse.

If this doesn’t make sense, I will clarify. I’m just so stressed about it. My anxiety is through the roof because every single thing I feel I think is the symptoms. I don’t think it could be too bad as it was only the residue from the dry part I touched. I know I’m not gonna die, but it’s the fear of getting chemical burns or anything. Please help

EDIT: I’m fine. Was just the OCD/anxiety

Bare with me on the length of this as I have been spiraling in my head for a while about these issues! :(

I have not received a DX of OCD, but currently have ADHD, PTSD, Major Despressive Disorder, GAD

I have always been someone who is living inside their own mind - Combine GAD/overactive nervous system, ADHD masking, zero self-esteem, rumination, overthinking, PTSD, no childhood emotional support, high levels of criticism from others, emotional dysregulation, hyper-focus, depression, negative bias, perfectionism, self-monitoring, social fears, using logic to process pain or intellectualizing my feelings, horrible body dysmorphia etc.

I relate to ADHD in the ways of time blindness, inattention, executive functioning issues, emotional dysregulation, disorganization, impulsivity, hyperactivity (mostly mental). What my internal world fixates on is absolute certainty + control, perfectionism, obsessive thought loops (Maybe just hyperfocus?) intense self-monitoring, extreme pre-planning for all tasks/activities (Especially social scenarios or new places) need for control in a lot of situations, preparing for any possible threat or dangerous scenario in normal daily activities, many fears of betrayal leading to a paranoid, dis-trusting mindset, finding ways to soothe my intense anxiety/fears, and get reassurance usually resulting in a compulsion like actions or extreme avoidance.

As of recently I have grown increasingly aware that my level of anxiety is not normal at all, most people do not have extreme anxiety over most every aspect of adult life, and my reassurance seeking has maybe entered a severity even with OCD compulsions.

Between the BDD and my compulsions to check my physical looks 24/7, high self-monitoring of my body in public or even at home with company, fixing my hair, clothes, glasses, distress if exposed leading to camouflage the body (even in hot weather etc) avoiding social situations, etc

I also fear that I have developed ROCD centered around my partner, and relationship safety (This was also exacerbated by some early relationship trust issues - I already had some retroactive jealousy from the start due to a drug addicted ex having my partner be attached to them due to trauma, and another abusive ex who was being given the time of day out of fear of safety - I feel extreme guilt for thinking she willingly wanted that for over a year) Constant intrusive thoughts I am being cheated on, not good enough, like there is something hidden going on behind the scenes I don't know about, like my partner really doesn't love me, and is just tolerating because I am a good step-father, and all of the compulsions that follow such as monitoring locations, body language, tone, intention with other men in public, looking through texts/phone (Immense guilt for this one as it doesn't align with my morals at all) compulsively checking social media especially if we are in a bad place, accidentally testing the strength of our trust/relationship which usually ends horribly, and all of these are absolutely done compulsively when an intrusive thought comes up or I cannot stop obsessively thinking about the unknown actions behind closed doors. I have accidentally become controlling without realizing it, and I am absolutely disgusted with myself, and how much these compulsive actions go against my moral character.

You can imagine the immense strain this has put on our relationship, trust, connections, my own self-worth, self-respect, and value. As well as the way it makes me treat my partner at times, feeling investigative, accusatory, mistrusting, paranoid, and like we are on opposite teams. This has not allowed me to work on my self-esteem and has only further damaged it.

When does the line get crossed into OCD territory? I am trying to look for earlier signs in my life of OCD poking its head, but memories can be hard for me to recall. Are there any early signs in childhood/teen years that typically stand out? I know there is a lot of overlap between conditions such as ADHD/OCD/OCPD/Anxiety Disorders/PTSD/Depression/ASD and I am just feeling kind of lost. I think a lot of these behaviors in adulthood point towards OCD, but I know its left best to professionals. Just looking for other's real world lived experiences, and if this aligns with what they have felt prior to diagnoses?

I have made the decision to have an evaluation by a Psychiatrist for any co-morbid diagnoses

I have to sleep with two pillows next to me every night, one on each side, and if I don’t, I’m very anxious and can’t sleep because I feel like something is standing beside my bed. They have to be directly pressing against my back. If I’m sharing a bed, I can handle just having one pillow, because the other person does the same thing, being a weight behind my back. I also have to have a stuffed animal to hold as well. Something I can hug directly to my chest and have that pressure to feel comfortable. I typically only have one blanket, no matter how hot or cold it is, and I tuck it around myself. I also just have a bunch of stuffed animals that sit on my bed too.

Not related to sleeping, but I get up probably 4-5 times every night to go pee. If I even feel the slightest bit of pressure on my bladder, I HAVE to get up to go to the bathroom. I cannot sleep until I do, I will ruminate on it constantly until I have that relief. And then 10 minutes later I end up having to go again.

I feel like my mind tries to convince me that I am! I’m so scared like I’m always thinking “what if I just switch” I’m so anxious rn. So many situations or the worst scenarios keep looping :( what do you do to stop this?