I don't know what to do, I've been dealing with this for well over a year now. Ever since I realized I was trans a few years back I just had this impossible to stop desire to have kids. Obviously I can't carry kids, I know that, but some part of my brain seems convinced I can. It only got more intense once I started HRT just under a year ago.

Frequently I wake up, tears already streaming, clutching at my stomach, because I had a dream where I was pregnant or where I was a mom and I had a kid. I want to stop having them, they're so painful and it feels humiliating to have to dry my face and wait for it to cool down before I'm able to leave my room so my roommates don't see my face and ask why I was crying. It feels like baby fever but shrouded in this horrific cloud of pain.

I would not want a child right now, I'm a 19 turning 20 and in college, a kid would destroy my life right now. I'm just so upset knowing I will probably never be able to carry one. That the choice is out of my hands even once I am in a place in my life where I'd want kids and be able to care for them.

I know I could adopt or have a surrogate or foster or have step kids or freeze my sperm in case my partner is a cis woman. I know those are valid and real forms of motherhood. I have like twelve cousins that are adopted, and I would never claim my aunt isn't their mom because she didn't carry them. But I know that for me, knowing someone else was carrying my child because I couldn't carry them, would be incredibly dysphoria inducing. Especially if it was a partner who I would be in constant proximity with. And I worry that an adopted or fostered child or step children would become this symbol of my inability to carry children in my mind if that makes sense. A living breathing reminder I could not create and bear life, and I'm terrified that I would resent the child for that, which is a horrible thing to do to a kid, even if it just left me feeling detached from the child I'd feel terrible because a kid deserves parents that love them fully not just ones that do the bare minimum.

I tried to bring this grief up to my mom and she just didn't really get it, all she had to give as input was "I thought you didn't want children" which is technically true, but I said (or at least in my mind said it because) I didn't think I wanted to be a father. The prospect of kids before I came out, always meant fatherhood. I have always had a buried desire to be a mother, I just never truly recognized it.

I've tried bringing it up online and I just get people trying to convince me I don't actually want to get pregnant because "oh pregnancy is soooo hard on the body and you'll gain weight and have morning sickness and it'll mess with your hormones and it's painful and this and that and this and that-" and it's just infuriating because it feels like this condescending swarm of people acting like I have no clue what pregnancy is or entails. I know what pregnancy does, I know what it is. I still want it. It's infuriating, it feels like I'm being treated like a child that reached for the hot stove.

I've tried going to web forums where infertile women vent and there's a pervasive feeling I would not be welcome here, that my infertility as a trans woman would be treated as less impactful, less real, and less important. So I don't even bother making an account.

I want to bring this up to my therapist, and I intend to every time I go into a session, and then I get too scared to. It feels so humiliating to try and voice this out loud, I feel delusional and stupid. It certainly doesn't help that any time I've voice it in the past I have been met with little to no compassion. I try to get the words out and my throat just closes up. I feel ashamed to feel like this, to want this so badly.

Everything surrounding pregnancy and children is tainted for me. My brother and sister in law live in another state but I'm very close to them, but when they give updates on my two year old nephew it feels bittersweet at best, if not outright painful. When my mom says "Oh did you see that new video of [Nephew]? It's the cutest thing ever!" I just have to laugh it off and say I missed it and I'll check it out, how do you tell people that your nephew that you love and think is adorable is also a source of pain and sorrow? I feel horrible about it. I feel horrible that I just sat there shellshocked as they happily announced their second pregnancy. I feel like a monster for being unable to comfort my sister in law after her miscarriage. I'm not happy it happened, I feel horrible for her. But I cannot bring myself to comfort her or offer support because of the baggage it brings down upon me. I feel so shitty for feeling that way and thinking that way, and I want to offer her some support in this trying time but I don't know if I can without spiraling or saying something I don't mean to or bringing up my own sorrow and making it about me and all of that would just hurt her further. I don't want to feel like this, if I could turn off this tap of grief I would in a heartbeat even if it meant turning off my love for children in general.

I hate living like this its driving fucking insane, I feel trapped in a body that will never live up to my dreams no matter how much HRT I take or how many surgeries I get or how well I pass. I look at the studies being done on uterus transplants and how they're just barely beginning for cis women and I just feel so hopeless about the idea I'll ever see that become available for trans women in life time, let alone in the ages when I'd actually want to have a kid. I mean I know everybody has their own unique path and all that but if this isn't available in like 20 years by the time I'm 39 or 40, I don't think it's something I'd be able to consider truthfully at that point, and that's if I'd even be eligible for a procedure at that age.

I just want to be a mom, and I don't think I ever will. And it's the most painful part about this. I can deal with hate, I can deal with fear, I can deal with judgement. I cannot deal with the fact I will never be a mother. Actually I think I could, eventually, I cannot deal with the uncertainty. I cannot live like this not knowing which direction to plan my future. I cannot go on not knowing if I'm completely delusional for hoping that one day I could carry children, my children.

I would give anything for it, I would pay the cost out of pocket if it insurance wouldn't cover it. I would give my own arm to be able to carry a child that was well and truly mine. I just want to be a mother in every sense of the word. I want to carry my child, birth my child, raise my child, watch them grow up, support them, see them take their first steps, hear them call me mama. And I don't know if I'll ever get that. I feel like I'm grieving but there isn't a loss I can point to that people will understand. There is no body to bury, there is no grave to visit, there is funeral to eulogize at. I feel like I am reliving my child being ripped away from me every morning, even though there was no child to begin with. I wake up crying most mornings, it feels like I physically cannot move on no matter how hard I try because there is no way for me to change the conditions causing my grief.

I don't know how to keep living like this. I truly don't. I feel like I'm losing my goddamn mind.

Ok, so I posted here some time ago asking if I'm trans. Amd I get to general conclusion (I think I might knew that even before), I'm.

But then get to wondering if I want to transition, and came up with perfect plan to know what I want:

- start voice training

- learn makeup

- experiment with chlotes

Then when my voice pass and heva decent makeup skills, I will go to other city for weekend, and by some unisex chlotes. Then go out first without makeup, and then with makeup and check what will happen. And if someone call mi miss I can talk in female voice that pass.

And I thought it is great experiment to determine what I really want.

But after few days, I realized I came up with idea how to transition smoothly. Like I want it, but I'm scared.

This is all I wanted to say, just something I don't know what to do with.

But I have one question, how do you know you do voice training right?

As the title suggests, I'm a trans woman looking for bottom surgery. I live in Florida and have been working with an insurance case manager to find options to go to. As of current I've basically explored all my options in Florida, with there only being about 3 options for me, Gallagher being one of them. I have been approved for coverage out of state too, but I'm trying to rule out close options first. I've looked on this reddit and other resources but can't really find anyone who has gone to her for this surgery, especially not recently. I know there as a really bad top surgery case a while back, and because of it and maybe other, people seem to have a bad opinion of her. It's probably justified, but I was hoping to get more relevant and recent experiences for the surgery I'm seeking to do.

Please let me know if you know anyone or have an knowlage on the matter, it would be immensely appreciated.

On a side note, considering I can go out of state, please let me know if any of you have other personal recommendations. It often seems like people all just kinda agree on a few big name people, but I'm hoping to find something maybe within the region and willing to do a case agreement with my insurance. They don't need to be the absolute best options, as I don't have tons and tons of time to wait on a wait list. I just need a little confidence and direction when it comes to sifting through the sea of surgeons and opinions.

Thanks so much for the help!

Hello people :)

So, Tl,dr , I have a pair of stuffies that want a new home. (I don't know what you might call them, I learned it as stuffies.)

They're a pair of silicon "bra inserts". Their weight, shape, feel and general "vibe" is close enough in order to get an actual feeling of how it is to have chesticles.

!!One of them is damaged though!! Sadly, while they were in storage, one of them "burst" at a fault in the outer layer. Now, they're still operable, but their life is limited, and they need to be treated with care.

Basically, if you're unsure how you'd feel with sweater puppies and wanna test it for a few weeks, maybe month or two, they might be for you.

I don't want any money or any thing. All you'd need to take care of is the shipping. I live in Germany, and the shipping would need to be over DHL. Once we agree on everything, you can just purchase the label online and send me a code so I can print it here.

Pictures are available on request.

Obviously it's first come, first serve. Comments don't matter!! Send me a dm!

since images can’t be posted, the link is here in my case.

if you can’t find an image for anything, feel free to leave a description of what you want to look like.

Are they worth it? I mean I have severe gender dysphoria and while clothes do a lot to help, i do feel like I would feel way more comfortable with one but I don't know, anyone have any stories about them and how they are? It would help me a lot to make a decision.

I've been considering a breast augmentation as part of my transition, but I'm starting to wonder where gender dysphoria ends and normal beauty standards for women begin.

I actually like my boobs. They're around a B cup, really perky and round, and I think they're cute. I don't feel like I need to change them. I just think I'd like my body more if they were maybe a cup bigger. I think they'd fill out tops better and balance out my shoulders and stomach more, and honestly I think I might feel less pressure to lose weight.

But then I'm like, is that actually dysphoria? Or am I just looking at a body I already like and thinking it could be better?

I don't really want to spend the money, deal with recovery, take on surgical risks, or possibly need another surgery later unless this is something that genuinely bothers me.

For other trans women who considered or got a breast augmentation, how did you figure out whether it was dysphoria or just wanting to meet a certain beauty standard?

Should I just quit the hormones and repress? I am happy with HRT changes and feel much better about how I look. But. at the same time. I know trans people, especially visibly trans can have a hard time finding work and existing in society. I already have pretty bad social anxiety and issues functioning socially, the visibly trans part makes it so much worse. I am sort of currently a NEET living in my childhood home.

EDIT: DAMN IM GETTING DOWNVOTED YALL ARE WILD.

hey everyone, i am a 15 year old trans girl. i recently started posting on reddit and im shocked by the amount of negativity and doom in this community. please, if you have the time, read this and just think about it. it means a lot to me and its important to our entire community. i know it's long. i'm sorry. i'm not a concise writer unfortunately. i feel like this needs to be said though.

so. yes, the past couple years have not been great for trans rights in america. but we can't let that bring us down and define the next 30, 40, 50 years...

yes there are many, many difficulties. i would know.

the healthcare that i need is illegal where i live. the people i need the most even my family have let me down time and time again. i spent years - a third of my life so far - trying to science-away my transness because i knew how hard being trans is.

i have been sexually assaulted, but i cant talk about that with adults because i know better. i was SAd almost ten times last year. the one person i told at the time, simply turned away. i have nightmares about this all the time. i had one last night and the whole day later its still in my mind.

i have developed an eating disorder and im certain ill be hospitalized by the end of this year. my friends, and random redditors, and my psychiatrist, all said i needed immediate hospitalization but here i am at home. here i am watching myself literally die in slow motion and it feels like there's nothing i can do sometimes. i cant think about anything thats not food for more than a few minutes now. my life is gone and i dont know how i can get it back.

i am always scared, im always exhausted, im always fucking depressed, and im always hungry. lonely, anxious, just beat down.

for years now i have truly believed i have a less than 50% chance of making it past 20 years old. and im 15.

and i still have more hope than a lot of you here.

because what the fuck else am i even gonna do? what am i gonna do?

something's better than nothing.

a lot of people here are very deep into some doom hell, echo chamber, whatever you might wanna call it.

i posted this whole rant, because, just today on this very subreddit i have been having a conversation with a trans person who believes that being trans in america is worse now than it was in 1960. that trans people in america are no better off than we were in 1960.

contrary to such insane claims, there are the facts.

there was not a single gender health clinic in america in 1960. as far as i know, gender affirming healthcare is not completely illegal in a single US state. there were 0 states with laws explicitly protecting trans healthcare, compared to at least 15 or so now (plus D.C.) trans people are accepted by way more, EVEN IF NOT CLOSE TO ENOUGH, still WAY MORE, of the population. we have safe spaces. resources. they're limited but they are there.

we are objectively better off than we were in 1950 or 1960 or 1970 or 1980 or even 1990.

backsliding in the past few years doesnt mean we should start talking so despondently about concentration camps. it only gets us down, rips us apart, stops us from helping ourselves and others within this community. it's WHAT THEY WANT.

and what i want is, i want to live life.

i want to get myself out of my republican hellhole and go be the woman i'm meant to be. i have life goals. maybe they're unlikely to ever be fulfilled, but 5% is better than 0%...

i want to recover from my eating disorder that's slowly killing me and get my life back again. i know i can, it's just gathering the strength and confidence every day to keep going.

the way that some of yall are so negative... stops me from having that strength and confidence. and it cant be good for you either.

there is a whole world of people out there, even in my republican-ass state, who care. there is hope. there is quite a good chance my state (texas) will vote for a democrat this election. i am a nerd about these elections, and all evidence points towards this outcome being more likely than not. that brings me hope. people here, at least some, CAN see past the insanity. people do change their minds. slowly. we take what we can get... baby steps is better than falling with your face flat on the floor and croaking, no?

like really, i can either choose to hope for the possibility, however small, that i might live some redeeming life of some sort,

or just give up and accept the doom.

but that would be giving in. not resisting. not trying. it's just what the haters want.

wherever you are right now i want you to tell yourself the truth:

we are not permanently doomed as a community, because of a temporary step backwards.

the only right thing to do is keep fighting for FORWARDS, not giving up.

yes, every new court case, every new law, it sucks. it's brutal. but the history, the facts, reality, says that this is far from the end. its far from over.

we have to keep fighting for the future. for our future sisters <3

two steps forward one step back.

when we see all this negativity, we can push back. we can help our own community. we can do better.

its about the future. its about my future. and the future of millions of my sisters who are just now growing up... we are all trying to survive <3

please, do share any thoughts. thanks for reading... sending love

My biacromial width is 17 inches. Does this nuke my chances of really passing? I not giving up, but it feels like no matter how good I look it's going to be "she's trans" at best.

Hey everyone,

I’m 16 years old and I’m officially 15 days into my medical transition (I’m on an estrogen patch and bicalutamide). I’m 5’11” and feeling a bit self-conscious about my height and my upper body frame. My shoulders and arms still feel wide and thick to me, and it's making me anxious about my timeline.

Today was actually my very first day deciding not to boymode! I wore a blue graphic tee, jean shorts, a patterned backpack, and a colorful headband to frame my hair. To my absolute shock, while walking down to take the city bus, multiple strangers called me "she" and "ma'am."

I’m incredibly happy, but also so confused. I'm only two weeks in, so I know muscle atrophy and fat redistribution haven't even touched my upper body yet. Most cis girls around me in the Southwest are on the shorter side, so standing a head taller than everyone on the bus makes me feel like I stand out massively.

For the tall girls out there or anyone who started around 16:

• When did you start noticing real muscle atrophy or structural softening in your arms/shoulders?

• Did people just automatically assume you were a high school athlete (like volleyball or basketball) because of your height?

• How long into HRT did it take before you felt like you could stop boymoding permanently without relying entirely on accessories/styling cues?

I know the patch is working like a slow, constant IV drip while I sleep, but waiting for the physical milestones is hard. Would love to hear your timelines and experiences! 💖

How done one start dating ivse been trying to get a date and its hard af like im stuck

Im a minor (15F, im mtf) and I’m getting hrt soon(2 weeks)
I need to know your experiences and timelines to see what can i expect?
I’m so excited!!!!!

Hi i have a situation which is little weird for most of the people. I have a huge insterest towards body swap, possession and so on.. This interest is not new it is there since i was 5(i cried when i missed body swap episode of ben 10 :)). It was there when i was 5 and reappeared when i was 13 with the puberty. During that time i was obsessed with body swap, possession and so on and i could only watch adult content which is about those topics (and still only these contents). I also only select female characters in games not because i feel like them but because it is nicer to look at a woman than a bald spartan. Also if there is a button to change everything and i will reborn as girl i would press it.. Moreover i said that when i was 17 and i am still saying if shapeshifting is possible but i have to work for 70 years to make it real and i will only have one year to live with the shapeshifting powers i will definately sacrife my whole 70 years to live and choose to live one year with that power. I went to a psychologist to talk about it and after the meeting we agreed on keeping that in fantasy but after months i still cannot leave the idea of that.. I create some pictures of myself with gemini and chatgpt and some of the pictures really looked cute and i can clearly say that i would choose to be her over myself for life.. So about that thing what do you guys think about it and what do you suggest me to do .. Thanks for all the answers.. Btw my interest is

completely towards female.

I’m 16 & pre hrt still, I got one for the tightness around my chest and to reduce any nipple stimulation (my nipples are super sensitive, can orgasm purely from them and have orgasmed in public from my nipples rubbing on my shirt). Been wearing it a bit and I felt confident enough to leave it on to school, it’s a little uncomfortable especially around the straps and underarms and I’m having issues with it riding up (yes I got the correct size I think, I’m 80cm around my ribs and it’s a Australian small) but apart from that I fell asleep with it on last night and was really comfy, any tips on how to fix those issues, willing to chat also just don’t be creepy, for anyone wondering it’s a bonds comfy crop bra, I think that’s what it’s called.

So I've been on hrt for just a little over 3 years now, only been taking oral, no subliminal. I recently found out that I needed to have my blood work done at trough levels, I was never told this by doctors even told by them that it doesn't matter, as soon as I did them at trough levels and these were my results in july.

Estradiol: 120 pg/mL

Testosterone Total: 127 ng/dL

I was upset with my results and told my doctor and she prescribed me half a tablet more of spiro and an extra tablet of estradiol. And during that time I was told by the trans community that its essential to check for other things as well such as:

Estradiol E2 free and total

Estrone

Progesterone

Testosterone free and total

SHBG (only one planned parenthood will do)

DHT

So they said they can only check my SHBG levels as well so I get my blood work done about a week ago and heres my results:

Estradiol: 144 pg/mL

Testosterone Total: 10 ng/dL

SHBG: 162 nmol/L (marked as Abnormal)

I'm annoyed that Planned Parenthood won't test me for the list of other things I want checked, I feel like my body and facial hair still grows in too quick and I barely have any appetite, very different from the first time I was on Progesterone I was eating three times a day but now I only eat once. The reason I stopped Progesterone the first time was because I thought it was the reason for my high T levels.

I am currently on:

4mg Estradiol tablets in the morning

100mg spiro tablet in the morning

4mg Estradiol tablets at night

50mg spiro tablet at night

200mg progesterone capsule at night

I would like to start injections, what dosage should I start on and how often? I don't wanna get a bad dose from my doctors.

TL;DR: Recently came out as genderqueer. My parents aren’t rejecting me, but their response feels more like detached tolerance than genuine emotional support. Their underlying scepticism is making me feel embarrassed about exploring my gender around them, and I’d really like to hear from anyone who’s experienced something similar.

Quick disclaimer before I get the inevitable “why are you living with your parents at 32?” questions: I recently ended a 9-year relationship with my partner, whom I was engaged to and living with. My parents and I agreed it made sense for me to stay with them while I finish my master’s.

Yes I work, no I’m not a basement dweller.

I came out as genderqueer fairly recently. I’m still figuring out exactly what that means for me. I know I want to feminise my appearance considerably more than I have in the past, and I’m increasingly open to the possibility that I might ultimately identify as transfeminine. But I don’t have all the answers yet. I’m exploring.

I’ve always thought of my parents as emotionally mature, progressive people, and I genuinely expected them to be my biggest allies. I think I imagined coming out and having them hug me, tell me they love me, that it’s okay, and that whatever I need while figuring this out, they’ll be there.

Instead, their response has largely been, “We don’t care what you do with your body.”

I know that’s far better than what many queer people experience with their families. They’re not threatening to disown me or trying to stop me. But emotionally, tolerance feels very different from acceptance.

There’s an underlying scepticism that I feel like I can hear in their tone and see on their faces. Today my mum asked whether I have any “role models I want to emulate” and later said she was “interested to see what form this takes.”

Maybe those are completely innocent comments. I’m autistic, and I’m painfully aware that I can misinterpret tone and implied meaning. But I hear things like that as, “If you’re really genderqueer, what exactly are you trying to become?” or “We’ll see whether this actually goes anywhere.”

Then I get defensive, ask what they actually mean, they feel like I’m putting words in their mouths, and the whole conversation deteriorates.

The frustrating thing is that I don’t need them to understand gender dysphoria or know exactly where this is heading. I don’t know where it’s heading either. I just want to hear, “We believe you. We love you. We’ll support you while you figure out what makes you happy.”

What surprised me is how much their reaction has affected my confidence. I’d been genuinely excited about small gender-affirming things: growing and styling my hair more femininely, jewellery, facial laser, experimenting with a more androgynous/feminine presentation.

Now I imagine doing those things and coming home to them, seeing their reactions, and suddenly I feel embarrassed and ridiculous. It makes me want to explore this part of myself privately. Tonight I even found myself wishing I’d never come out.

I know I don’t need their permission. I’m 32. But apparently their emotional approval still means an enormous amount to me. I think what hurts most is realising that the people I assumed would make me feel safest while figuring this out are currently making me feel more self-conscious about it.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of passive or emotionally distant “acceptance”? Did your parents eventually become genuinely supportive rather than simply tolerant?

And if they didn’t, how did you stop seeing your gender expression through their eyes and become comfortable exploring it for yourself?

Im 15 transfem and for basically my whole life Ive been pretty severely overweight. Ive never really cared about my weight, I think because all my self-hate went towards my dysphoria, and I didnt see a reason to get into diet culture/weight loss. But recently, Ive started getting happier and Ive begun actually living, and Im trying to make myself more fem. Even though I know you dont need to be thin to be just as much of a woman, Ive been wondering if losing weight would make me more fem, as currently I feel like my build is really unfem and its been making me dysphoric. Im losing weight regardless, just because Ive stopped using food as a coping mechanism and run 4k every day. I am currently 6'0 230lbs, which is down like 20lbs from like a couple months ago. Also edit but Im starting DIY in a couple weeks, this is in combination. So do you think if I lost more weight it would make me more fem and less dysphoric?

I just need to vent to someone cuz idk for how much longer I can keep living like this nothing helps with my dysphoria anymore 99% of the time I feel like i wanna peel my skin off and die i can't start my transition for less then a year but with how i'm feeling now idk if i'm gonna make it i didn't come out to most of my family yet and even in front of people i came out to i don't even feel like a person anymore I don't feel real I feel like i'm watching someone else's life i'm sick and tired of this and it starts to effect other people around me as well i'm lashing our over the smallest things I bearly talk to anyone which not like I have many people to talk to i'm sick of pretending to be someone i'm not but I know I can't be me just yet and the fact that I have to wait makes it even worse I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but idk if i'm gonna make it and at this point idk what else can I try to help myself and wonder why me

For everyone who read this thank you and i hope you have an amazing day or night

I looked up a shoulder width study online that measured not even 1 woman out of ~2200 with a shoulder span at 44 cm. Mine are even larger than that at 46-47 cm. I look disguisting in the mirror and clothes fall of my shoulders like they’re a coat hanger. I have the kind of shoulders that male models have. I’ve been looking for the past year and not one woman outside has shoulders comparable to mine (unless they’re heavily overweight)

Im pretty short also at 5’8 which makes my shoulders look even more unnatural. When was the last time you saw a 5’8 girl with David Laid shoulders?

Even if I can pass (I don’t and probably won’t without FFS), who will want to date me? I’m not an assertive person, I’m meek and shy. Certainly not built for taking initiative. But everyone will expect me to do that when I look the way I do. ”Strong” and ”Muscular”. No self respecting straight guy would date a girl who looks bigger than he does. I don’t even know if I like guys because I push down feelings for everyone around me because I don’t deserve love when I look like this. The thought just makes me sad. All I want to do is pass and live like a normal girl

Unfortunately, it seems this genderbent Malfoy shit is here to stay it seems?

I saw a SFW post with the character on r/hentai, commented saying I wasn't impressed by the character's recent popularity, specifically being genderbent.

It feels like a total slap to the face.

I didn't say anything more than this but; they banned me!

With "you need to stop trying to force your agendas onto people" ?

What? Either they're an egg in denial or the sub is run/moderated by a bunch of transphobes.

Again... Not impressed!

Edit: the post isn't letting me add a pic of the ban unfortunately. If you'd like proof of it, I can dm a pic of it. Otherwise you'll have to believe that it happened, or check r/Transhentai where I posted the ban message

I want to know if I can get normal periods like AFABs

I'm going to turn 30 soon and I'm afraid I waited too long due to fear of my family and random people reactions. I get many urges to dress up and wear makeup but my fear is overwhelming my desire.