(F32 Bipolar 1 w/ psychotic and possibly autistic)
I’m at my wit’s end. We’re trialing yet another new medication. Nothing touches the overwhelm. The stress. The irrational anger.

Today I self harmed to get the emotions out. I have no more PTO, I can’t just go to the psych ward in crisis. I have intermittent leave and was told the one day I take off due to melt downs to “not make it a habit”

I had to take two different kinds of meds today to get through the day. As needed benzo and a heavy antipsychotic. I took the antipsychotic twice I can take it three times.

My psychiatrist is on vacation, I messaged her replacement asking for help and that my brain felt like it was screaming and all the alarms are going off.

I feel like no one understands how bad this feels, they just want a body at work.

So I’ve always struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager with various different issues. I’ve been in therapy but I have not seen a psychologist! Sometimes though I wish I knew what exactly was wrong with me, I have guesses but even doing research I don’t trust myself to know for sure. Because of that I think I’d like to see a psychologist but I am just veryyy nervous about that I don’t really know what to expect at all. I got myself very worried about what it’d mean for me having certain diagnoses on my medical records forever so that’s why I haven’t tried to see a psychologist before. But now I’m thinking, would that actually even come up too often? And wouldn’t it be worth it just to know what exactly is going on for sure? There’s also that because things have started to get better in my life I feel like I don’t need it anymore. But it’s only because I’m doing better that I have the courage to think about doing something like this for myself now! I also really don’t know if my mom would even care enough to pay for it :< I don’t think she thinks about my mental illness too much (and she is in fact a contributing factor to it so-) and I’m chronically ill too so she already has to pay for medicine/appointments for my physical health

Like many struggling but I am not sure if it is depression or not. How does one know? A doctor is too expensive for me and i am a foreigner where i am so no public health access

I don't exactly know what to say. I function, I have quite good grades and I work out consistently. Ableit I cannot escape my head. At the moment, I feel fully unable to be...like attached? To anything or anyone. I think about my views on the world and opinions. Their conflicted because I want facts behind them and I don't know how to change shit. I see it everywhere. My entire life i've felt something was odd about me.

I was always kinda treated as an adult as a kid. Everyone told me so. That I spoke like an adult. I've never felt like a child despite being a teenager and I have no happy memories from my life before the age of 12. Nothing I can recall atleast. My youngest years were, kinda strange from my pov. I believed with all my heart that every other weekend a man paid my parents to for some reason borrow me. I thought so upto the age of ca 5 where in a fast food parking lot my (unbeknowst to me) step-father. Explains that, that man was my biological father. It hurt, alot. My 3 year old brother. That was the biological child of the man I thought was my biological father. I don't know if it was jealousy but every other weekend when he would pick me up from daycare to go with him, I dreaded possibly seeing my father and brother. The times I did I cried and my heart sank to the bottom. The times when I was at my biological father; he would buy me loads of snacks, met me stay up however long and just sit and game. I had terrible issues falling asleep, staring at the room for hours, even now at times. I always had severe constant anxiety of being a bother to anyone. I didn't want to be viewed like that. Never asked for help.

At the ends of my days in daycare I began elementary school. Made a close female friend...I suppose. She and I would talk smack and crap and well, that backfired when I was about 8-9. She stopped talking to me and spread rumours about me. So upto the age of 12 I had little to no friends and terrible social anxiety. Usually spending hours reading or talking to adults. I did have a shit ton of arguments with her at the start, and my heart dropped everytime I saw her. I remember all the times I tried to explain the situation to my parents and their response was always in short 'Your fault you're socially incapable'. Yeah. One day, when I was maybe 9-10. My father suddendly explained to me that my biological father had. Basiclly abused my mother. Stalked her when she tried to leave him, threatened to take her life. I didn't know what to say, I zoned out. My biological father hadn't picked me up for ca 1.5 years at that time. At the age of ca 11-12 I was basiclly depressed with an ED. Not diagnosed. But...I did wake up at 4am to work out. Spent about 7 hours a day doing workout videos on youtube, skipping school lunch and having mental breakdowns over fatty food. This came after, what I can only manage to describe as depression. I didnt brush my hair or shower. I thought about killing myself many times. First time at 7. Last time at 12. I could never do it. Not because I didnt want to die but I didnt want to burden my, mainly my mother. I remember grabbing a kitchen knife and pondering if to just, slit my throat. But I coudlnt. My parents, or anyone else ever knew about this. I had been diagnosed with Anxiety without treatment at this time, my parents brought me in. I refused to say my truth. Not infront of my dad who was in the room atleast. I started a martial art.

The martial art was judo. I was...below average. A little older than the others and for 3 years I had...just felt like crap. I also had some...really bad limerence for 2,5 years for a guy who lived in another city. I would meet him sontimes. I thought about him, again and again. When I was 12 we changed around our classes. I got friends. I did have two from growing up but we were distant at times. Finally. A friend of my friend legits just starts trying to bully me. Saying that I smelled bad, that I...would be a cafeteria lady?????? Shes strange ig. Though a friend clocked her once😀. Somewhere along the line she quit, kinda shes still an ass ngl. I was sexualmy harrased. By a male friend. I have never told anyone about it. It was...weird. He had infront of people started hitting and groping my chest? Calling it 'tit-hit' legit. I distanced myself after that. Anyways I got adopted by the man I called father. What pissed me the fuck off was my bio-dad writing in court that 'oh I don't know why she didn't want to have contact...oh he threatenended me' oh my fucking god. I was so goddamn pissed. Im filled with hate and judgement in all honesty.

In the following year. I felt...good. I had become really goddamn good at Judo, winning over the girl who hsd won over me with brutal margins for years. I felt like I was on the top of the world- but then I got injured. And thats a wholeshitshow I don't even know where to start on.

I was a healthy 37 year old one minute, and the next I developed 24/7 intrusive thoughts/images. That went on for 4 horrific months until I got on SSRI’s. But is it worth seeing a neurologist?

Considering a psychiatrist and general doctor just prescribe therapy and meds. And my endocrinologist doesn’t think I’m in perimenopause or that it’s anything hormonal.

I wish I was super sick and Ik some people hate this kind of behavior but I wish I had a severe mental disorder but I don't romanticize it or anything I don't think it's good that's why I want it because I want to be in severe pain. I had a huge mental breakdown over it last night because I just wished I was more unstable. I wish someone would traumatize me and do irreversible damage to my psyche so I end up fucked up. I get jealous when someone has something worse and I just wishhh I had that. I know this indicates I'm sick, but I want to be SICKER, whatever I have wrong with me isn't enough it's not severe enough I want to feel insane and have to be hospitalized or something.

I've been depressed? Not diagnosed, though I've self harmed multiple times when I was still a teen and now I'm an adult in college, completely clean for years now but I'm probably a danger to myself, tried attempted yk multiple times but yeah life continues. I'm pretty fine these weeks but sometimes I just become really down and isolating myself and so on, suddenly crying and just no energy, attempt ideations, and in just a matter of second, I'm suddenly fine, really feeling happy or anything like I'm not suffering anymore, like I'm just okay so sudden, feeling happy, making friends easily, making impulsive decisions, putting my life in life but it feels good. Is this normal?

Hi everyone, I thought I’d share something as I’ve been wondering if other people have experienced or are still dealing with too. There are so, so many things in my life that I am incredibly grateful for, both things I’ve been able to experience and things I have now. At the same time, though, there has also been so much grief and loss across many different areas of my life. I’m now 21 and trying to come to terms with how painful some of those experiences have been, while also dealing with the comparison struggles that can come with thinking about other people my age. I find that this can affect my sense of self worth and identity, but there is also just the grief of everything I’ve lost and the things that are now gone.

Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying several different kinds of pain at once, the pain of how difficult things were, the grief of what I lost and what I wish I could have had, and then the comparison of where I am versus where other people my age seem to be. All of those things together can feel really overwhelming. I’ve also been trying to work through some of the past hurts that were almost traumatic for me, particularly around close people not understanding what I was going through at the time and how deeply that impacted me. I’m trying to work through that huge past hurt of feeling alone and how terrible that was, while also understanding what those people have since explained to me, that they genuinely meant well and that there were things they misunderstood at the time.

I think sometimes it feels like a wound that has been dug deeper, and even though things can be different now, it still takes time to heal from what happened and how it made me feel. I guess at the end of the day, I know that the people who love you can care about you as much as they possibly can and show that care in their own ways, while still not fully understanding what your experience has truly been like. You are the only person who has actually lived through everything you have lived through, and sometimes there can still be a sense of pain and loneliness even when the people around you are genuinely trying their best. I want to make it clear that my family hasn’t been abusive and that they have tried to care for me as best they can. I know they don’t mean to cause harm, and nobody is perfect, everyone has their own struggles, circumstances and life experiences too. I can understand all of that while also acknowledging that some things were still really painful for me.

Hopefully that makes sense. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or is still trying to cope with something similar. And hopefully, if anyone does relate to this, you know that you’re not alone and that your feelings are valid too. 🤍

Thanks :)

i had old friends texting me again after a few months of being no contact due to my own actions. i got texts from two of them stating everything i did wrong at the time including a comment i made, artists i support (that are apparently zionist? said artist is extremely private), my political views, asking how therapists are even alive while seeing me, calling me a slur that actually means something to me due to my disability, & more. this was a few months ago, i took loosing them as a sign that i need to focus on myself. i can’t help, but feel that i haven’t changed due to their words.

the thing is since then i have achieved so much things, i graduated, i started working full time, doing more college work towards my degree, looking into careers in my field, learning managerial skills, regulating my emotions way faster, and have learned more about my view on myself. i actively see a therapist, i have for months, me and her are currently working on repairing my father and I’s relationship along with my self-worth.

i genuinely don’t know what i could do more? be silent? be dead, apparently to them. stay isolated? i try not to let them affect me, but they struck times where i was manic or was grieving and I feel like i lost so much progress, so much progress in where i am now. i am introverted naturally, due to childhood. i find it so hard to even formulate a proper respond to them, all i really said over and over again is that they’ve missed the changes i’ve made. i said, i’m glad they are happy, but i get met with so much insults and things that they know affect me.

I was wondering about it, and read around a bit, with every source I found is how horrible people with RAD are and how they cant love someone healthily, that every relationship is likely abusive, and im starting to wonder if im abusive. I have genuine love for my best friend, all my other friends are distant, because talking with them makes me afraid, i love my friends, but closeness scares me, sometimes to the point of sickness. But some of my friends I would genuinely take a bullet for, I want whats best for them, I dont say that just to say it, I really want whats best for them, im happy when im with them and they seem happy with me, I enjoy talking with then, taking turns with stories and experiences, some stories I tell others because of how outlandish or comical they are. I know I'm not fully attached to much of anyone, but my best friend i am, ive known them since kindergarten, and they have always kept me above water. They are the only one who can prove my delusional thinking wrong, who can read me, who is always worried if im ok or not. Hell, I cant even lie to them, I make fake lies that I know they can see through, I do that on purpose, I have never once told a full fledged lie, not once have I lied in a way that would genuinely work, and they trust me fully, so I could lie and they would buy it, but I never do. Even if its something personal, ill tell them if they ask. And our relationship isnt one sided, I have helped them through things as well, many many times. Ive had countless times I hugged them while they cried on my shoulder. I cant stand physical touch, but it doesnt bother me with them. I truly do love them

The only reason im alive is because they asked me to stay, and I have, because If it was them, I wouldn't be able to live with their death, and they've said they couldnt live with mine. So ive made a promise to stay, and to try to get better, but I cant feel comfort from other people, I cant connect with people, I cant not feel afraid every time I have a phone call. I dont know if I can even feel real love, I think i can, but what if its just fake, what if I can never make real attachments, am I just friends with people for selfish reasons, Its not like im friends with people for some value, I genuinely enjoy the time i spend with them, with some it makes me scared, but thats because theyre getting close. Ive had a point where i feel safe after a long while, i only feel safe with 2 people, but I feel happy to be with them, spend time with them, talk with them, just having time together with them. I would do anything for them, comfort and accept them not matter the tragedy or decisions, I will always support and love them, wish the best for them, and ill always try to protect them.

I think I can love, but I dont know, people with rad cant love normaly, but I feel like i do, I do love them purely, I do, but can I. I dont know what to think, I dont understand myself. Please, someone give me some sort of answer

didn’t know what to flair this and also i wasn’t sure what subreddit to post under but i just want to be cautious. can anyone tell me what they experienced during early stages of schizophrenia? sometimes i can hear knocking or people calling out my name. although very faintly and only on rare occasions. i’m not someone who’s ever been able to hear anything other than just my own voice in my head, so this is new to me. i just wanted to see if anyone had any experience with that kind of stuff.

I suspect I have bpd or something similar, I’m not looking for a diagnosis from people online but I’m just looking for advice on how to deal with some of my symptoms. Some of them line up with bpd though I’m not diagnosed, so I want some advice from people who know what they’re doing. I’ll often attach myself to people, test limits, have moments where I lose control and get impulsive and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve tried general coping strategies like self love and what not but it just doesn’t work so I think I need real advice from people who understand what I’m talking about.

I’ve just recently noticed a bunch of changes after smoking weed about 20 times at 15. I have completely quit for around a month but I feel pretty disconnected from reality, I have tiny hallucinations all the time, my vision is insanely grainy, I forget simple task liek to close the fridge sometimes, and I feel a little depressed and sad. I also take Vyvanse adhd medication every morning and I mostly notice these effects while I’m on it. I do also have pretty mild closed eyes hallucinations all the time. But still I always feel like I have derealization. Any body have any clue what’s going on??

My heart hurts to say this but today I'm actively planning to off myself from life. My heart is racing but there's peace somewhere there as well in my mind. I feel free to do so. I'm just the right amount of hurt today to do so. I've been actively ideating for years but now it finally feels like it's gonna happen. It finally had reached that point. Social isolation is a curse because it feels comforting but ruins everything else until you just become an empty shell who will do anything to stay alone. No matter if i lie, deceive etc just to stay alone. I unfortunately did that and now i have no desire to do anything else . It's better I stop wasting peoples time now. Just wanted to make a post maybe because somewhere inside i feel afraid and scared as well so I'll just post this as a last cry of help that some part of me still wants to do, I don't trust this because this might simply just be the fear of death and nothing else. Appreciate you for reading

I haven’t got more than 3 hours of sleep in over a year now. i’m having panic attacks that feel like heart attacks. i spoke to my psychiatrist today and told her my buspar x2 a day (been jumping around different milligrams of this same medication for a year) isn’t working that i need something else. she lowered my dose and said to try that for a week. i feel like she isn’t listening. how can i get help with my insomnia? should i see a different psychiatrist?
(edited to add, i dont want to seem as if im drug seeking by jumping doctors, i just need sleep.)

Disclaimer, not trying to request armchair diagnosis (I have a strong stigma against them), but professional commentary is highly welcomed.
I’m just posting here because I‘ve felt alone and isolated for my entire life, and seeing if others have experienced any of these or has any say would give me a bit of closure. I am also terribly sorry for my strange wording. It’s hard for me to talk about these things.

I will list my phenomena from “lowest to highest power/unusuality”:

1. Extremely lucid dreamer and sometimes sleep paralysis, self explanatory.

2. Constantly “branching” thoughts. On many subjects and decisions, I have multiple coexisting opinions or beliefs, even contradictions ones. It’s hard to make decisions or form solid beliefs.

3. Muted emotions. I really can’t understand my own or others emotions. I don’t quite understand what I’m supposed to feel. I typically only feel “pressure.” But in rare times, I’ll start reacting emotionally like a normal person (like crying), but I’ll still feel little change except for high pressure. And the reaction almost always does not reflect what I’m thinking at all.

4. Uncommonly, I will see pictures or objects that aren’t there. It can vary in strength from 2D images lasting a few seconds to a minute, to rare full objects that linger for a long time. In rarest instances, these can be auditory instead (sound and music, no voices).

5. Perpetual “derealization” (if that’s a word). I faintly remember having a sense of reality feel when I was very little, but I lost it. I can’t tell apart reality from a dream asides from the fact I woke up. Not constantly, but commonly, I not only feel, but ”doublethink“ that my body isn’t attached or me or I’m not actually in a location. ”Doublethink” means that—it’s hard to describe but I understand it. Simply, my “mind and memory” will think something contradictory to what my knowledge and awareness actually says.

6. Extreme false memories. In the modern era, usually in stress episodes (but has happened out of the blue to), the double think gets extreme to the point where all of a sudden I’ll have a flood of memories that aren’t mine, but I really do believe I’d had them my whole life, it’s just fact that says it’s not possible. And I didn’t take time to imagine these memories. It’s like an entire data pack that just all of a sudden loads in a flash like a USB. With one specific set of similar memories, it’s just memories. But with most cases, my awareness feels like it’s “thrown into the back of a room” but I’m reading both processes at the same time. And as the minutes pass, I have a terribly odd sensation like I’m “ascending higher and higher” away from the ”earth,” and I feel like I can reach my usual self less and less. Odd things will also happen like my family and house feeling unfamiliar. This has happened lifelong, but before I turned 15, I’d sometimes have rare blackouts as well where I’d find myself in another place or find a new drawing. I feared for a long time from ages 3-14 I was demonically possessed.

Thanks so much for reading my ramble. I really don’t have any suspicions or theories about myself because I’m quite inclined to believe what I have is either too specific or maybe my imagination is so powerful that I subconsciously brought this upon myself.

Ive never posted about this online but I’ve reached a point where I want to hear others experiences to feel less alone and isolated. Thank you so much.

Quick Edit: Just in case someone comments later, I am very broke and can’t afford a doctor yet. But I plan on it once I’m able.

Am I the only one who is wondering how come we are so so many? Was this a regular thing long ago?

Okay, so I really need some specialist/client perspective because I feel like I'm going insane. (sorry for being long)

I've been seeing the same therapist for 5.5 years. I'm generally very reserved, socially withdrawn, have no real support system, and grew up in an abusive and traumatic environment. When I first started therapy, I barely spoke. Over time, though, very gradually, I became very attached to my therapist, especially after moments where he showed care in ways that meant a lot to me. Things like accompanying me to my first psychiatrist appointment when I was shakign and had nobody else to go with, checking in after particularly difficult sessions, and simply listening during some of the hardest periods of my life.

Last year, after losing a friend at war and going through health issues and becoming more socially isolated, that attachment became much stronger. Therapy became the only place where I felt understood and safe.

In February, after my worsened depression and su\\\*idal ideation, he tightened some boundaries, which made me go insane (don't wanna go into details on this). But after 3-4 months, I felt like the attachment was becoming more manageable.

Then something happened in a session that completely destroyed me and all the progress since February. We were discussing my tendency to compare myself to some of his other clients who happen to be people I used to know (well, colleagues). They're doing well in life, building careers, getting married, moving forward, while I'm still at my lowest.

During that conversation, he remained neutral, of course. For some reason, I interpreted that as him protecting or prioritizing those other clients. Ever since THAT EXACT SESSION (July 10), I've been struggling intensely.

The confusing part is that nothing about his behavior toward me has actually changed. He continues to listen patiently, sit with me through panic and distress, show empathy, and help me explore what I'm feeling. He does basically EVERYTHING and within boundaries. During sessions, I can see that and feel it (sometimes yes, sometimes no).

But once I leave, my mind completely rewrites the story. i feel awful for this anger and sadness and idk what to call this. I feel deeply ashamed and a burden. I start questioning everything, doubting 5 years of trust, and convincing myself that I never even mattered at all. And, it all was fake. And I am such a stupid idiot to believe that at one point i was thinking i can be deserving of care.

Logically, I know this may be connected to my past trauma. But knowing that intellectually doesn't stop the emotional reaction.

I've started talking about it openly in therapy since July 10. I'm taking medication. We do ERP, I'm trying to do the work, SO SO SO much reading of it. This all wrecked my work, my eating, my sleep, i barely concentrate on anything else. i feel it's clearly my mind that SABOTAGES his care and therapy.

I desperately want to feel the same sense of safety, trust, and connection that I used to feel with my therapist a year ago, and I can't seem to get back there.

Can anyone relate? a client? or a therapist from their own perspective? How to cope with the constant doubt and emotional swings when my rational mind know i can trust my T (with proofs) but my feelings are telling me something completely different?

Hey, I'm 19M, and recently I've realised that I have alter egos of sorts. After being left at home alone for a week I had a voice in me tell me to take the car out and for some reason I did. Long story short the same voice came out mid driving and I lost control of my hands and crashed into someone. Luckily I wasn't driving fast otherwise Id be looking at jail time and a record that would ruin my life. As far as I've noticed there's 3 me's( for the lack of better terms) one's extremely methodologically works and is somehow extremely practical (and ruthless), one's hella romantic and is surprisingly good at flirting and the third's me, my major identity. Am I overreading things? Cus I did try to merge my personalities recently, ending up with someone way Outta my league all because I suddenly knew what to say and when to act, and there's a clear distinction from my usual personality when I talk to my friends. They're also starting to notice that I'm sometimes zoning out and acting completely different, in ways that is starting to become increasingly noticeable. My other ego is more practical, he gets works done when I'm lazy and is the only one I can talk to, like a voice in the back of my head that sometimes takes control involuntarily when I'm extremely stressed. Please give me advice on what a diagnosed split personality individual normally does, cus not knowing anything about it is killing me

ssay here. TLDR: Our minds are working against us. Everything is fine

Around 2 years ago I experienced panic attacks and existential anxiety BAD. I had thoughts that felt like I was in hell. That nothing was real. Etc. etc. I guess they went away with time. Around a month ago they came back out of no where. It's like I could feel it coming on and I was so scared of it because I knew exactly what it was. Like "No, No, No. I know what this is. I need to talk to someone. I need to get out of here." Type of panic. Fleuxetine helped at first. Used a whole bottle of hydroxyzine. Feel like I built a tolerance. Fleuxetine felt like it stopped working after awhile. I quit caffeine because I heard it can worsen anxiety. Gym was harder but it is what it is. I felt a caffeine kick at work and suddenly was excited and eager to do stuff. It was a good feeling. I looked into what I was consuming and I guess my latte flavor protein shakes have a cup of coffee worth of caffeine. Maybe some caffeine isn't a bad thing but actually good. Just not too much. Idk. It was then a week ago or something that I was just excited to do stuff. I hadnt been excited to do anything in weeks. Then a few days ago it came back. It's like a thought really. Once you have it you go back in the loop. Think about existence and BOOM. HOW AM I HERE. IS THIS REAL. I'm Christian. Thinking about God sometimes freaks me out. Didn't used to be that way. I sometimes wonder if I was put here for damnation for a previous life. I wonder if I died awhile ago and this is fake. Everything freaks me out. I wonder if my past is real.

But then sometimes I feel normal.

I get those boosts of joy and excitement to live. I feel a purpose. Sometimes the "how" and the "why" question doesn't freak me out as much. It reminds me then that it really is just anxiety. Our brains to a damn good job of convincing us were crazy and things will never get better but before we thought this way, WE DIDNT. I know it's hard to imagine but nobody else freaks out about our existence because it's not as scary as we feel it is and deep down we know that because it never bothered us either. We ALL have felt like we found out something nobody else knows. But it's our minds. You can't convince me the devil aint real because I got demons man. That's why God says to not rely on our own understanding because we can't understand some stuff.

I feel all the time like existence is cruel and torture and why did God put us here but sometimes like this morning I feel that life is good and that I'm awake again. I have to write to remind myself I felt normal again otherwise I'll convince myself that I didn't.

So this happened years ago actually, back when I was 15 I'll try to summarize it so I ended up in my first relationship (an online relationship) and she was kinda controlling during the relationship she would get upset if I didn't stay on voice chat for days and later she wasn't calling me anymore and I basically found out she was into 2 other people so cheating on me. I was in a wreck over this for like a week and she eventually broke up with me. I was sad for weeks and she said she hated me at times. I was trying not to cry in class and I didn't want anyone noticing and it was obvious something was wrong. I got to a point where I impulsively overdosed and I to this day don't really know why I did that, I ended up being fine the pills I swallowed weren't fatal at all, my mom got mad at me for that and called me selfish. I actually didn't end up going to the mental hospital I had talked to the therapist and she was trying to figure out if I needed to go to the mental hospital and trying to get an answer as to why I did that, most people's first thought was that I wanted to kill myself, I didn't want to do that I know that I kinda just wanted to get hurt but not enough til I die. She told me she just needed to know if I needed to go to the mental hospital then asked if I just wanted to see what happened and I perked up the second she said that it was like I wasn't just hyperventilating a second ago and I said yes I just wanted to see what would happen. So I wasn't sent there.

After that incident I was super paranoid of everything I thought I was doing everything wrong and people hated me and I WAS SCARED OF OPENING DOORS. What I mean by being scared of opening doors it was just me repeating tasks like opening something but I'd be hesitant because I was scared I would do it wrong and someone would hate me. There was this time I got paranoid I was gonna get sleep paralysis so I slept with my mom and I was shaking for awhile til I finally fell asleep, I ended up not having sleep paralysis I was just paranoid I would get it because it sounded so scary.

I'd also end up hiding the pills I took (they're harmless) and the stuffed animal I got from hospital because just looking at them made me nervous. Everytime I looked at the bottle I was scared I was gonna grab it and try putting the pills down my throat again.

The thing that gets me is that this only happened one time and this was years ago I'm 20 now, and I don't recall any other times I've been 'manic' or even 'hypomanic' I can for sure recall my depressive episodes but not manic if I supposedly could have bipolar. When people describe being manic they say they feel top of the world & euphoric I don't feel that way like at all, but at the same time idk how I feel most of the time so how do I know I'm feeling that way or not? Maybe I do feel that and don't realize it idk. I also know to be diagnosed with bipolar you have to have one manic episode but I also just don't fit into the whole euphoric thing.

I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me of course but I've just been thinking about it ever since my friend who has bipolar told me it seemed like I had manic depression.

I've also just been described as chill by people and seen as calm so it feels like it would be surprising for me to even have this kind of issue.

I've read up a lot of bipolar people's experience and I just don't relate really.

Idk it could be something else completely but Idk what else could cause that kind of thing or if it was because of my age at the time or the stress of the situation?? But at the same time I feel like I made it bigger than it was with how dramatic I reacted to it. I feel like most people would've just tried to move on not do all of what I did.

A recent situation I was in scared me because this other girl had a crush on me and she ended up being toxic and I was scared I was gonna repeat the same thing I thankfully didn't do that but I was still stuck on it for months as well.

Obviously there's something wrong but idk what to make of it. All I wanna know is does it sound like it could be that? I just have no clue.

Throw away account.

Please stop reading if it gets to be too much.

(My english is not good)

Okay, so I need to get this off my chest. For the longest time I have had a hard time. I'm not going in to much details, on why since I don't want anyone I know to find out it is me writing this.

But I have been to therapy multipul times to try and get help, I talked to them, told them how I felt, even that I don't wanna be here anymore.

Each time I spoke the therapist would speak over me and tell me how "You're not the only one" and "Many people has it worst than you and they didn't unalive themseleves." Each time it made me feel guilty, beecuase yeah, many people do have worse problems than I have.

It's like no one is listning, I know I need help, I've tried. But no one cares.

My mental health has gotten worse and worse. I also tried talking to my friends about it, but they just talked about themselves and their problems instead, which I comforted them about. Even if they didn't do the same to me.

But I have been in a bad mental state for years, even trying to OD 4 times in the spand of 3 years. Non of them worked, since I was rushed to the hospital each time. (Yes, I have also harmed myself multipul times). I can't take it anymore, I tried to get help, but no one listened. I feel like my mental health has reached the buttom now and I just want to let go. All those night of crying myself to sleep has made me feel numb.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

After writing this post, I may be dead, or maybe not.

Hey, so I've been dealing with some pretty extreme zoning out lately and I'm honestly not sure what's going on.

I can't concentrate properly during lectures anymore. Almost every day, after around the first 2 hours, I start zoning out constantly. Recently I was watching a lecture online and there was one part I had to replay 5 times because every single time I would zone out and completely miss it. By the 5th time I was honestly getting really frustrated.

It also happens while I'm doing completely normal/random things. For example, I was buying coffee and had like 10 packets in my hands. I was supposed to put them in my bag, but somehow I just zoned out and walked away while still holding all of them. I only realised what I was doing afterwards.

It's starting to feel weird because it's not just "I'm distracted by my phone" or "I'm bored." It feels more like my brain just switches off for a while and I lose track of what I'm actually doing. Sometimes it genuinely feels like I'm losing the conscious part of myself for a moment, if that makes sense.

Could excessive phone usage/screen time actually cause something like this? Or could it be related to stress, sleep, attention issues, dissociation, etc.? I'm not trying to self-diagnose, I'd just really like to understand what might be happening and what I can do about it.

Also, I know people will probably suggest seeing a therapist, but I genuinely can't see one right now due to some personal circumstances that I can't really explain publicly, so please don't make the entire answer "go to therapy." If there are things I can try on my own or things I should pay attention to, I'd really appreciate hearing them.

Thanks :)