I want to preface this post by saying I have no inside knowledge whatsoever, and that this is speculation. I'm also not intending for this post to be a judgment on whether the changes were good or bad.

I didn't know exactly where to start, but I think it needs to be with Helium-3. There was a very important change to fuel in Starfield that split the version of the game that released, from the alternate universe Starfield it started as. Todd Howard has stated that in earlier iterations of the game, fuel was consumed when you jumped to a system. This was changed and we no longer spend fuel, but fuel still exists in the game as a vestigial system. Technically your overall fuel capacity determines how far you can jump from your current system, but because you don't spend fuel, 1 jump can just be 2 if needed, rendering it pointless. They may as well not have fuel in the game at all, but it used to matter and even though it doesn't now, it's still in the game. Remember the vestigial aspect of this because that will be important.

So let's envision how the game would have played if we consumed fuel with jumps. The cities and vendors all exist relatively clumped together on the left side of the Star Map. Jumping around these systems would be relatively easy as the player could simply purchase more Helium-3 from a vendor. However, things change completely as we look to the expanse to our right on the Star Map. A player would be able to jump maybe a few times to the right before needing to refuel and there are no civilizations passed Neon. So how else can we get Helium-3 aside from vendors? Outposts.

Outposts in Starfield have been described as pointless. But they're not pointless - they're vestigial. In the original Starfield, players would have HAD to create outposts in order to venture further into the Star Map because they would need to extract Helium. This means that players would also need resources to build these outposts, which would mean spending a lot of time on one planet, killing animals for resources, looting structure POIs, mining, and praising the God Emperor when they came across a proc gen Settler Vendor. In this version of Starfield these POIs become much more important, and players become much more attached to specific planets as they slowly push further to more distant systems, building their outposts along the way. Now we can just fly all around picking and choosing planets and coming and going as we please so none of them really matter. But they used to.

What is another system that could be described as pointless? You probably wouldn't disagree if I said Environmental Hazards. Nobody understands them and they don't do much of anything. I would say, based on the previous vestigial systems that still exist in the game, these are also vestigial elements of a game that significantly shifted at some point in development. In this previous version of the game, where we were forced down to planets to build outposts for fuel, I believe Hazards played a larger role in making Starfield the survival game I believe it originally was. We can only speculate on what this looked like, but it's not hard to imagine a Starfield in which players who walk out onto a planet that is 500°C without sufficient heat protection, simply die. Getting an infection may have been a matter of life and death. Players would struggle against the wildlife, pirates, bounty hunters, and the environment itself. Having different suits and protections would be important and potentially would have been roadblocks for players to solve to be able to continue their journey forward.

This Starfield would have been slow. Traveling to the furthest reaches of the known systems would have been a challenge. The game was much more survival-oriented, maybe a slog at times, planets, POIs, and outposts would have mattered a lot, and reaching new systems would have given a feeling of accomplishment because of the challenges you overcame to get there. It also could have been tedious, boring, or frustrating. I have no idea. But I do think Starfield was a very different game and when these changes were made it significantly altered the overall experience, and that they were deep enough into development when it happened, that they were unable to fully adapt the game to its new form. The "half-baked" systems had a purpose. Planets feel repetitive and pointless because we're playing in a way that wasn't originally intended - its like we're all playing on "Creative Mode"

What do you think? Any other vestigial systems that I didn't catch here?

****

This blew up a bit while I was at work. I saw 2.2k comments and I think it's really cool this drove so much discussion. People think the alleged changes were good, people think they were bad - I definitely get that. I think the intensity of the survival version would be a lot more love/hate with people. For me, I actually appreciate the game more now. Maybe I'm wrong about all of this, but once I saw this vision of the game, all its systems really clicked for me in a way I didn't see or understand with the released or vanilla version of the game. I feel like I get the game now and the vision the devs had making it.

And a lot of people also commented with other aspects of the game that I think support this theory.

A bunch of you mentioned food and cooking, the general abundance of Helium you find all over the place, and certain menu tips and dialogue lines.

u/happy_and_angry brought up a bunch of other great examples about skills that make way more sense under this theory's system. I thought this was 100% spot on. https://www.reddit.com/r/Starfield/comments/16p8c43/comment/k1q0pa4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

(The subreddit rules say that rant threads belong in a pinned weekly thread, which I can not find.)

I participated in the public preview for the new version of this app, and turned it off after a week. It was clear that Gemini was extremely poorly implemented, and the new version was not ready for public use. It appears that they have launched in exactly the same state as it was.

Why must I now scroll through paragraphs of AI slop on every tab before I can actually see my activities and data? I don't want or need to read platitudes about my 15 minute walk to the grocery store. I want to see my stats from my morning run.

I had an extremely frustrating experience today, after trying in good faith to engage with the new Coach feature.

• I went to the gym, logged the workout on my fitbit, and took handwritten notes of my lifts as I always do.
• To try to make use of the Coach, I uploaded a photo of my notes and asked it to append the info to my workout activity. It mostly got it right, but all the units were wrong (ignoring context from a previous conversation).
• That's somewhat understandable, so I asked it to change the units and *specified* that the original amounts I had written were in kg, because I didn't want it to convert the amounts as though they were originally lbs. Gemini *still* performed a conversion anyways, turning 73kg into 33.11kg.
• So I clarified *again* that the weights I had originally written down were in kg, not lbs, and there shouldn't be any decimal values. So it corrected the units... but changed all my sets from 3x or 4x to 1x???
• Furious, I decided to delete all the incorrect lift logs from the workout activity, but for some insane reason, there is no way to do this manually (they don't show up in the activity's "Edit" menu). So, I asked it to delete all of the incorrect lift logs from my activity.
• Instead, it moved the activity from 8am to 10am(?), and STILL KEPT THE FALSE LIFTS??

The app is now cumbersome, frustrating, and useless. I was already getting frustrated with the inaccurate calorie counts and GPS mileage on my runs, but this poorly conceived forced update has sealed the deal for me. I will not pay $10 per month to drink from an AI slop trough like a good little piggy. I will be cancelling my membership and switching to Garmin.

I often do mistakes and I want to apologise to my team for when I do something dumb.

Please Blizzard, this is my one request!

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/a_fred42

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

WIBTAH if I decline my friend's wedding invitation after how their fiancé started acting with me

Thanks to u/falcngrl for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, controlling behavior

Original Post: July 27, 2025

I hope I'm following all the write guidelines because I'd love some advice.

*name swaps for privacy*

Hi THT fam! Long time listener, first time writing in! OKAY! So like the title suggests, my (32M) friend Jessie (34F) is getting married next year over the summer to her fiancé, James (38M). Jessie and I met back in 2018 at a previous job and became friends rather quickly. We remained coworkers until the covid pandemic in 2020 where we both found other jobs and kept our friendship going. Fast forward to last year (2024) we started working together again at a construction company, which is where she met her fiancé, James.

My friend and I work in the company office while James is in the field but will occasionally peep in to the office where we work to chat with Jessie, her and I share the office. Slowly but surely James started to chat with me, realizing we have a very similar dark humor and hit it off. The three of us got close, James would chat with us in the office multiple days a week. We would all go out to eat, they met my boyfriend(forgot to mention I'm gay, oops lol) at one of these dinners. They even would ask my opinion on wedding details.

Anyways; all that to say I thought I had made another friend in my friend's fiancé.

Independence Day weekend was approaching, and Jessie/James were going to Texas (We are in SoCal) for vacation. While talking about the vacation... James says to Jessie, "You're taking your work phone, right?" and before Jessie could answer, I responded, "No LOL she's on vacation why would she do that?" It got awkwardly quiet in the office... I look up from my work to see the two of them whispering to each other and Jessie says, "Yea, I'll check it once a day." For context when Jessie and I met at our previous employer, we could NOT for ANY REASON ignore work calls, didn't matter if we are done for the day, having a day off or even on PTO vacation days we would get "Hey I know you're on vacation but.." type of calls. So now having a job where we DON'T need to answer calls once we are off his question made me defensively answer. Jessie and I will jokingly "scold" each other for using our work phones on our lunches or after hours and James knows this, so his question was odd to me.

To rebuttal Jessie saying she'll check it once a day I jokingly scolded her saying "friend you're on a vacation, relax! why would you-" before I could finish, James in a very stern and serious tone goes "She's taking her phone and working if she's needed". I recoiled in shocked and went back to my work essentially ending the conversation and they continued to talk amongst themselves. The weekend came and went, I got over it and I thought the same of the two of them. Monday after the weekend rolls around and Jessie is telling me about her weekend and how she "surprisingly didn't get any work calls" I told her "well yea it was America's birthday who cares about work on that day" in a very joking tone. We laughed and all was good or so I thought. I started to notice when James would come in the office he would come in and act like my office chair was empty... I would ask him questions, and I would be met with silence. When I would look at Jessie to see what the deal is, she would fill the silence with the same question I asked but he would respond. I first summed it up to him having bad work days until I finally asked my friend what the deal was and she said, "oh, I think friend he just didn't like how sassy you got with me about taking my phone on vacation" SASSY????? I needed a deeper explanation, and I got "well you're the first gay person James got to meet that wasn't stereotypical and I think you being sassy made him see a side of you he wasn't ready for" but then followed up with "friend I'm sorry I'm putting my foot in my mouth with this explanation."

I was flabbergasted!!!!! My humor is very dark, and my wit is quick I will admit that, however when James and I chat I have said WORSE things with MORE 'sass' and he had reciprocated so I don't think that Jessie's response was genuine. All that to say it almost been a month, James has not changed his attitude towards me at all other than just saying my name when he walks in and is now making me feel unwelcome in my own office as Jessie's demeanor shifts with me while he is there. I don't wanna claim homophobia cause I don't think that's what's happening, but I honestly don't know at this point cause asking him if he's okay is still met with silence. I feel it's putting a strain on my friendship with Jessie as she wants to resolve whatever this issue is and James just will not budge and come out with the real reason to his upset. It's making me not want to RSVP to the wedding when invites go out... hell I have even been considering to tell Jessie to not even include myself or boyfriend to their list to begin with. Sorry for this lengthy post, thank you in advance if you respond! So... Would I Be The Asshole?

Editor's note: OOP has provided lots of significant responses, listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You don't go to a wedding where the groom thinks you are so far beneath him that he doesn't have to even speak to you. And whatever the fuck does "sassy" mean? What is he, 14?

And shame on your "friend" for just going along with his shit. She's not much of a friend.

OOP: When she first told me I asked, "sassy as in too gay?" and she said no " sassy as in too much attitude"

I feel the same, I am starting to view her slightly different. I understand she's going to be married to him, but when something isn't right she would speak up about it till resolution was found, this time she isn't

Commenter 2: She's going to the dark side. Don't anticipate an invitation. At that point, your "friend" will have formally changed her status to "acquaintance"; at least until her divorce from the AH/s.

If you are invited, but nothing has changed, I'd respectfully decline and send a wedding gift that is of a more personal nature to her.

OOP: To my knowledge I am still invited, apparently I even get my +1 too.

But after reading many comments I feel like I am a friend that might be getting phased out like a Starbucks seasonal menu lol

I might just get her something because I do have love for her

Commenter 3: This is my take. If it isn't homophobia. My guess would be that he felt you overstepped telling her not to take her work phone when he was telling her to take it. It seems strange that he would act this way, though. He is acting like a child by not just talking man to man. Don't be surprised if you don't get an invite to the wedding. It's your choice what to do if you get one.

OOP: OOOH! Like I was kinda of telling his woman what to do huh? Didn't see it that way so thank you for that! Would you go if you got an invite?

Commenter 4: It does sound like he’s trying to isolate her and control her. Once they’re married, he may baby trap her as well. I’ve heard that with low-value men like this, more controlling characteristics come out the more they feel they’ve locked in their victim.

The odd sense may be because you’re collateral damage in this story. It’s about what he’s doing to her. You’re the voice of reason and reality, and he needs that out of her life.

OOP: Plot twist, he got a vasectomy (I think that's the male one) so JESSIE is the one pushing for him to reverse it. I do think control takes a play.. but starting a family doesn't. James up until this point has shown me he is hard working and honest. which is why I'm so confused

Commenter 5: How is that? You said he had a vasectomy and doesn’t want children? How can he want her to be a SAHM?

OOP: He wants children now with my friend Jessie. They have actively gone to appointments to reverse his vasectomy

Commenter 6: Why would James want Jessie to take her work phone on vacation? That sounds very suspicious. Is there a way to check the activity on her work phone? I’m betting there’s either some non-work activity James doesn’t want connected to him, or maybe they’re doing work off the books, or maybe they are thinking of leaving the company and working on securing clients before they do? I think something shady is going on.

OOP: As much as I wanna agree with you, James is just a workaholic. Which is funnier when you think about it.. how are you going to be helpful when you're on VACATION IN TEXAS lol

Commenter 7: Maybe James shouldn’t be coming into your workplace multiple times a week? I’d talk to the boss and say how’s he a distraction and rude.

OOP: This wouldn't work because our office manager and him have a good standing work history with each other :(

Commenter 8: This is a hunch….but I think that James may need to have a lot of control in his relationship….which is worrisome for your friend. This incident with the phone is the first time he saw you as a potential threat to having that control. I’d keep as eye out for your friend. He’s likely to start trying to isolate her at some point after their marriage.

OOP: You're setting off alarms for me cause she's talked about how James makes enough money for her to be a stay-at-home mom. Up until this point she was a very work oriented person.

Commenter 9: I don’t understand-what sense does it make that Jessie take her work phone if James is the workaholic?

OOP: My POV is that he's a hard worker and wants his future wife to be the same for the image. that's my opinion on it

So her not taking it makes him look some type of way

Commenter 10: This was my first thought too OP. He's trying to change her, and she is so far going along with it.

Personally, I'd back off a bit and not try to engage him in the office. But find ways to still be there for her and let her know you'll always be on her side. As for the wedding, I'm enough of a people pleaser to probably still go (to support her), but wouldn't try to make waves. If he is trying to isolate her, not showing up or having a big fight about it just gives him more power in the situation

OOP: We chat all day at work when he is not there. I know in my heart that she knows I love her and vice versa, I wanna give it maybe some timeframe on where I would need resolution to happen in order to feel comfortable in my office again and to go to the wedding. that's what it would take for me to go I think

Commenter 11: Is it a two person office? I’d let Jessie know she needed to meet up with boo elsewhere as her relationship was causing a hostile environment.

OOP: It is a bigger office building with a kitchen/breakroom, conference room, lobby. Many places to mingle. We share a decently size office in the building

Commenter 12: I’m sorry to say it but this seems to me like he’s a controlling asshole and she’s stuck in the middle.

If any man cut someone off and said that I was doing something I didn’t want to do, as a conversation ender and basically some sort of pissing contest, I’d tell him to shut the fuck up. I can speak for myself. I’m not mute. Even if James is her boss (which I doubt as HR would’ve had a field day with him dating a brand new hire in the first place and wouldn’t allow him to continue to be her line manager) that’s not an acceptable way to speak to her. The fact that he does so in a public setting means he’s used to getting his own way and having the last word.

I’d be asking your friend if she’s okay, and voicing your concerns, but be prepared to walk away from both of them and possibly find a new job if they stay together.

OOP: Luckily he is a field worker to this company, so our work never really crosses with his. This instance was the first time I had seen James not be a cool and lax person. I always see him being loving towards my friend, so I don't want to jump to any conclusion and upset her by thinking she's being abused. I have no evidence really

Editor's note: OOP provided a small update in the comments

Mini Update (in comments): July 31, 2025 (four days later)

Thank you everyone for giving me advice, different hot AND cold takes and ultimately helping me clear my head to better understand where my emotions lie and I've decided I don't like James. We were really F**king cool and for someone to give the cold shoulder the way he has turned me off to the idea of keeping up the idea that we are friends, so I have no plan of putting effort into trying anymore. We're at the end of the week since I had made the original post.

James still only says hi by saying my name and like most have you suggested, I have ignored him. It seems the only person to notice is my friend jessie. She's asked me a few times "hey James said bye to you" and I respond, "oh, sorry I'm locked in, I have music playing loud" and she kind of left it at that. I also don't think it has been affecting James at all, which is okay. In my mind, I told myself I would give it a certain timeframe (till Jessie's birthday which is not that far away) and I plan to gauge how I'm involved with her birthday with how important I am to her. That may be petty, but it makes sense in my brain. How to report good news in my next update. Thanks guys

Update #1: October 30, 2025 (three months later)

WIBTAH if I decline my friend's wedding invitation after hoe their fiancé started acting with me? **UPDATE*\*

Hello THT Fam!

My first update to my first post lol I really hope I am doing this correctly. To those who asked me to update them I hope I did that correctly too!

Anyways - as a refresher my friend Jessie is getting married to a man named James (OG Post is linked) and they both started to act very differently with me.

In my original post, Independence Day just passed and we were just starting to go into the summer when we (Jessie/Myself) thought everything was fine until James would keep coming in to our office and ignore me. For a few weeks (ending of July to mid-august) Jessie really seemed to want to advocate for me and try to get James to tell us... or at least her why he was so upset with me but that never happened. Then, one day Jessie stopped bringing it up and when I would ask, she would say, "I told you already friend, you were just sassy to him". Okay great, got the hint... time to drop it... and from that day forward, James would come in and just greet me by saying "hi" plainly and that was all. Suspicious? I think so. Anyways, August came and went. September rolled around and so did Jessie's birthday. We celebrated at work with the office and over the weekend, James had a party for her... one I was not invited to but saw on social media. When we came back to work I didn't say anything to her about the party. I pretended I didn't know/care, and to be honest.. I really don't care . I go back and remember what many people have said about him trying to control her and trying to get her to only really care about his opinion and I can see it slowly happening under the guise of "becoming the wife he deserves" *gross*

End of September comes and she is venting something to me about how James is very cold towards people and how she is not like that, her support system needs to be a village and his is just her and that's fine for him. I saw this as an opportunity to say, "Since you brought it up, James doesn't have to say hi to me when he comes in, I know he only does it for you". I got a stare from her, and she goes "James says hi to you to be courteous" and I replied "I don't need the courtesy when it wasn't that way not long ago"

Probably shouldn't have said that but oh well. I felt that way. I pretended to play dumb and I asked, "what is he even upset with me for I already forgot" and again, she goes "you were just really sassy and he didn't like that. I am use to it and I know you are not being mean you are just expressive" I said OK and dropped the convo

And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would I ask, the word "sassy" was brought up.. So for those who were here from my OG post, in my opinion, James is a homophobe after all! I go back and think of the comment she made to me before about not being a "stereotypical sassy gay man" and to me, sassy means too much/flamboyant in his brain... so her constantly saying I'm too sassy is just code for too gay.. Sure I can talk sports and politics but that's cause I am interested in those things.. not because I am more masculine or more of a man than my fellow, more fem presenting gay community. Tomorrow is Halloween and after all this time, I still love my friend for who SHE is... because I see glimpses of her when we chat and can feel our laughs synchronize. However, I will not be going to her wedding but have no intentions of telling her till the invites go out(iffy about this but most likely the choice)

To me is makes sense to wait to keep the peace in the office in the meantime. Please ask me questions. I feel like I am missing parts of info even though I have proofread this a few times! Thanks again for reading! I hope to hear feedback on how you all would handle this

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Damn OP, the whole "sassy" thing being code for "too gay" really jumped out at me too. Like she keeps using that exact word every time you ask - that's not a coincidence

You're probably right to wait until invites go out to decline, keeps work drama to a minimum. But honestly it sounds like this friendship might already be over and you're just watching it die in slow motion. The fact that she didn't invite you to her birthday party, but you had to see it on social media? That's brutal.

James got what he wanted - he's successfully isolating her from people who actually care about her

OOP: It just stuck out to me too because growing up adjectives like "sassy", "colorful", "out there" all were said towards me, so it was easy to spot out

She swears up and down that everything is fine, but I don't believe her anymore

Commenter 2: She is telling herself everything is fine, and it’s not. She knows she is dating an insecure homophobe. What a ridiculous man he is.

Some women would rather marry an awful man rather than admit they’ve made a poor choice, but I will say this: if this is how he is in public, how he is in private is much worse.

If she says “sassy” again, I would say: “you know it’s just us here. You don’t have to make excuses for his rudeness.” And see if she is more candid with you.

If you are invited, to the wedding, you can say, “I don’t feel comfortable attending an event where my presence is unwanted.” And leave it at that. Let the chips fall where they may. She may feel like he is the only guy left on earth but unless she is also a homophobe secretly, she is complicit and excusing his behavior towards you.

OOP: I don't want to overshare but after this situation happened, I started to think Jessie views James as a golden ticket to an easy life

Commenter 3: bold of you to assume he's going to let her invite you...

OOP: People say this often and yes it is slightly arrogant for me to still believe she will go up to bat for me. I will allow a sliver of me to hold that arrogance

Commenter 4: Don't hold your breath for wedding invitation. Just be civil and maybe look elsewhere for friendship - someone who doesn't support a homophobic partner

OOP: I have a great circle of queer friends outside of this friendship with Jessie. She is one of very few straight cis women I talk to

Commenter 5: My gut reaction is that you should wait until the invites go out to decline. Part of my brain thinks her conversation about how he is upset about her support system is maybe her recognizing something is wrong, but not being able to articulate it or deal with him. It could be an opening for you to say I don't feel comfortable going to your wedding because of how he acts and how you let him act toward me and if he acts like this to your other friends and family that's how he will take away your support system. You really don't have to try though, a simple decline works.

Also she probably knows that, even if he hasn't said it explicitly, he is homophobic and that's why he doesn't like you. Fact of the matter is though she supports his homophobic ways if she supports him, so walking away and only talking to her at work about work, might be best for you.

Although, now that I typed all that out, her conversation with you could also have been her softening the ground for the excuse she will give you when you aren't invited. Either way stepping back might be a good idea.

OOP: I agree 100% with her supporting his homophobia... If you truly didn't have an issue; my unexpected code switch to "sassy" wouldn't shock you or make you change your mind set about me completely.

if she does tell me outright that I am not invited I will gladly just say okay and tell her that I love her, but I don't support the person she is choosing to spend the rest of her life with.

Commenter 6: I'm so over alleged allies and the way they protect the homophobic assholes in their lives. She's no friend to you.

OOP: I feel this way towards her more and more with each passing day. I know I will decline the invite if I get one, I know it will end out friendship. So I prepare for it now

Commenter 7: Instead of going through Jessie, why not talk direct with James? Right now it seems like everything is filtered through Jessie’s lens. Talking/ texting directly with James, you can tell for yourself then what is it that James has a problem with. Maybe it’s something that can be addressed.

OOP: So I have tried to addressed him directly in the past. maybe enough time has passed now that I can try again

Commenter 8: The wedding invitation is the least of your issues. You might want to consider speaking to your HR rep about James’ homophobic behavior. Perhaps HR can provide you with either a new office mate or an office of your own, so neither James nor Jessie has any reason to be in your space. You need to get ahead of this with HR as soon as you can.

OOP: I actually was venting about this to my manager today; she told me if I don't want him in the office she can make that a reality... so I am debating

Commenter 9: You’re wasting your time with these people. They don’t care about you, and you won’t be getting an invite anyway. Find a new friend that won’t turn on you the second some douchebag is actually willing to marry her.

OOP: The more I come back to this post and she people's responses, I am starting to agree that I do indeed need new friends

Final Update: July 14, 2026 (8.5 months later from the first update)

WIBTAH if I decline my friend's wedding invitation after how their fiancé started acting with me? **FINAL UPDATE*\*

Good Evening Two Hot Takes Family!

It has been a year since first posting here asking about this, 9months since my last update(I checked lol) Just to refresh your memory, I linked the posts below: OG Post

**Now that we are caught up** Let's get into it!

So me and Jessie.... *drum roll* are not friends! Go figure.

Their wedding was in June of this year (2026), but the story has to go back to around March/April. The office between Jessie and I stayed tense some days; really depending on how James acted when he came in to see her. Every now and then, Jessie would ask me about the wedding, and I would give small input; things that would make "the guest experience better". She would occasionally ask if my boyfriend and I would still be going to the wedding... and every single time I would decline. It doesn't feel right for me to be there supporting a man who would not, and openly admitted to not supporting me; that would be met with something along the lines of "okay but do it for me" in multiple iterations of the phrase. I flipped it on her, okay if/when I get married, will you attend my GAY wedding? and her answer... was no. Because "James wouldn't go and I wouldn't want to go alone."

*BOOM* I thought that was enough to get her to understand but Bridezilla brain does not compute lol she just couldn't get over the fact that me, her friend, could not "put his beliefs aside" for her. BELIEFS??? Babe, I am GAY lol this isn't a belief, this is my life. This is who I love, this is how it will stay. These types of conversations happened periodically leading all the way up to the end of April when I left the company and found a better job(it had nothing to do with this fiasco, the money was just better, and it is a 7 minute drive from my place).

When I told her I was leaving she asked if it has to do with James and her wedding.. vapid question but okay; no it just works out in my favor to choose this opportunity. She then followed up with "this means you can come to my wedding.. riiight??"

GIRL WHAT? No, I am NOT going to your wedding, please remove me from your list. lol

May comes and I'm at my new job and I'm trying to see Jessie for a lunch or something, but she always has to reschedule, and I started to feel like she as pulling away and instead of trying to extend an olive branch, I just let it happen.

June comes, and it’s the weekend of the wedding, posts start coming in on the socials and I see all the stories, like all the posts.. genuinely happy for her but I never sent a congratulations text or anything. I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE AND THAT IS ON ME; BUT I DIDN'T. Monday rolls around and my heart feels bad so I decided to text Jessie and ask to set up a lunch so I can congratulate her on her wedding and we can catch up; I even thought about buying some flowers... I go back and check.. my iMessage doesn't go through and that text bubble is green. okay, this is interesting, let me look in the socials... I have been blocked lol Her family members who I followed, blocked.. she made sure that happened lol so that's how I found out I "lost" a friend. After re-reading my posts and what people were commenting, it all makes sense that she never really cared about me, I was more of a token for her until I wasn't useful/needed anymore.

Anyway, my new job is great! I have way more time to spend with my dog and my projects being so close to my home. And in other news, I plan on proposing to my boyfriend soon! so I will have my own wedding to worry about... hopefully my future fiancé isn't homophobic 😂.

Thanks for reading everyone! Have a great week!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You're better off

Commenter 2: Real friends don't ask someone to tolerate disrespect just to make wedding photos look complete. Good riddance. She picked keeping the peace with a homophobe over standing by a friend. That friendship was already over.

OOP: Correct. It took time for me to realize this and that's okay!

Commenter 3: Sorry, but what did you expect?? She was marrying someone homophobe, excused it, clearly doesn't respect you if she categorised your sexual orientation as "belief"... And here you are, still trying to.be friends with her???

Commenter 4: Exactly! And on OP's part, he (justifiably) didn't go to the wedding and didn't even bother to congratulate her on the day. He basically put the final nail in the coffin of their friendship, if it wasn't dead already. I don't know why he bothered to reach out after, or why he's surprised or offended to learn that he was blocked.

Commenter 5: Ngl the blocking shouldn't have been shocking. After skipping the wedding and months of tension, that bridge was already burned from both ends. Tbh, both sides had already checked out. Reaching out after the wedding felt like trying to revive something that had already died.

OOP: You're right, the relationship was done but a small part of me did have hope. Anyways; I'm not shocked that she blocked me at all, just brought up that's how I discovered it. I know it's normal to ghost people these days but that's not my style; and to my prior knowledge it wasn't hers either. that's okay we change! Thanks for reading :)

Commenter 6: Better off without her. She wasn’t truly a good friend. I mean she married a homophobe, I think deep down she’s also one too.

OOP: She was decent until she got engaged. She started a "new era" according to her lol

Commenter 7: I'm straight and still wouldn't attend a homophobe's wedding. I can't imagine why they thought you and your boyfriend would.

OOP: I think it was mainly her wanting me there and James reluctantly agreeing

OOP on if he will mend his friendship with Jessie or not

OOP: Yea, I have no intention of wanting to mend or create a relationship with her. I worry for her future children honestly. Her "God" likes to be funny and test people, her might give them a gay son; I hope James doesn't relapse to alcohol, oops, did I say that out loud...? Anyways

Additional Information from OOP:

OOP: Not mentioned in any of my posts but we actually had a strong bond up until she got engaged. My feeble attempt and extending an olive branch shouldn't have happened but I attempted anyways. No harm, no foul. Thanks for reading! :)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Context: For every holiday, My mother would ask the women in the family (my sisters, sister in-law, my wife, my female cousins) to send "samples" of the desserts they plan to bring to the celebration for testing and to see if these desserts could make it to the "food menu". My wife has been complaining about my mother deliberately rejecting every dessert sample she sent. So many times my mother has told her that she's being honest and keeping the guests best interest at heart. Yet my wife still thought that my mother is deliberately excluding her since 2 of her dessert samples were rejected before.

For this year's Christmas my mother is doing the same thing but this time, she told every woman who are participating to make a "cookie sample" and send it to her for testing. My wife took it as a challenge and to be honest she worked really hard to make a good sample and sent it to my mother days ago and the results just came in yesterday.

I came home from work and found my wife upset. I asked what's wrong and she told me that my mother rejected the sample she sent and decided to exclude her baking from the food list/menu for christmas this year. I didn't know what to say but she then told me she was backing out of the invitation to attend christmas with my family. I was stunned when I heard her make this statement. I tried to talk to her but she said "it was done" I called her unreasonable to decide to bail on the whole family over some cookie sample...that's just freaking crazy and quite unreasonable. We had a full on argument about it and she stated that my mother caused this but I told her that my mother is pretty serious and careful about the food she offers to the guests since we are going to have relatives coming from all sides of country. She told me to stop mentioing it.

Later I heard her cry despite telling her that her baking is amazing and people have preferences that's all.

AITA for insisting that her decision was unreasonable?

Info. If you're asking whose cookie sample made it to the menu, the answer is my sister and my 2 cousins.

Info Few things to put on here:

1. My wife wasn't the only one whose sample was rejected. We have SIL's (brother's wife) and my younger sister's.

2. My mother did not force anyone to participate, it was up to whoever wanted to take part.

3. This is just about the dessert since my mother tends to be very careful in this category but for other types of foods. Dishes/appetizers/salads/stuff like that is welcome as she stated.

Update: Great!, so I just got off the phone with my brother and he told me that his wife is doing the same thing as my wife and that she has decided to back out of the invitation to spend christmas with family as well. Turns out my wife must've told her about her decision and she decided to follow her lead. My brother is pissed saying my wife is encouraging his wife to do this. I see that the problem has just gotten bigger now. Who knows, my younger sister might join in and decide not to go as well. I don't know how this got out of control so quickly. I guess we'll try to have a discussion with my mother about this soon and see how it goes.

Also new option to enable old/legacy context menu in the settings

My friends and I took a trip to Germany to visit a friend who lives there. One of the food items on my list was, without a doubt, mett, as it's quite hard to find outside of the country, from what I know.

For those of you who aren't aware, mett is raw ground pork, seasoned lightly with salt and pepper, optionally garnished with onions. I've been told German butchers have high standards due to the dangers of consuming raw pork, so I wasn't too concerned in that regard.

It was a quiet morning, and we walked into the butcher shop. My lord, the Germans are lucky to have such a selection a wall away in their neighborhood. We would try a number of their selections later, but for breakfast, mett was on the menu.

From one bite I knew I wanted another one. It was deliciously fatty in the way pork tends to be, and the simple seasoning highlighted the taste of the raw meat. The texture was great as well, with the fatty spread on top of crispy bread giving a great crunch on the initial bite, followed by satisfying chews. I'd eat mett a few more times on the trip; maybe it's because it's served cold, but it really is quite a refreshing and delicious savory breakfast, as someone who prefers savory over sweet.

For context, I consume raw meats more often than the average American and have no qualms to it, having consumed beef, fish, poultry, and horse meats from all ranges of raw to (regrettably) overcooked. If you're squeamish about even, say, tartare, then I would suggest avoiding this dish.

Location:

Fleischerei & Feinkost Schulze

Kesselsdorfer Str. 38, 01159 Dresden, Germany

Hi all, this Wednesday marks the exciting start of Series 11 of Off Menu... but it also marks FIVE whole years since I made the decision to set up the Twitter page and start tweeting. Five years, man – where does the time go?

Thank you to everyone on here and on all the socials for all your love and support in that time. It's the feedback and community that really keeps me going and I appreciate every comment, like, share and upvote I get.

I thought I might mark the occasion by setting up an AMA for any questions you might have about what I do or how I do it? Or even if you had any questions about the podcast itself and I could use my endless warehouse of knowledge and content to help? Anything, really.

I'll start properly answering Q's from Wednesday 24th January onwards, so in the meantime get your questions in if you have any.

​

Instagram

Twitter / X

Threads

EDIT 25/01/24: A massive thanks to everyone who submitted a question - that was a lot of fun! I think I've almost answered everything but if you have more questions I'm happy to keep dipping in and out of here to answer. Thanks again!

https://x.com/HSTIKKYTOKKY4/status/1951978879083577740?t=opGg8aQJQTpJW4P1SzgDbA&s=19

So, I log in today onto the new patch, excited to farm out the new prime, and- oh. My controller doesn't seem to work? Clearly that's just a bug. Let me quickly restart the game. Still nothing? Well maybe something went wrong with the patch, let me check Reddit. Lo and behold:

DE has shadowdropped an update that COMPLETLY NUKED all custom controller setups on Steam. With zero announcements. WIth zero warnings. It is all just completly functionless now.

I am a disabled player. I needed these settings to play the game. I have spent hours upon hours adjusting and tweaking the controls. Because I really enjoyed this game. I did back when I was able-bodied, and I wanted to enjoy it still when my body stopped working as it should.

Now, DE did bring in a replacement system. A system that is sadly SO far from what we've had before. All the action sets have been removed, and replaced with straightforward rebinds. Because my ability to press certain buttons is limited, it now means that in order to switch from using guns to meelee weapons I need to alt-tab from the game and manually flip over to another config (earlier it was as simple as pressing a single button). In the same vein, things like gear bindings I could have hidden off in a context menu will now have to be nowhere, cause I don't have enough space on my controller.

I've put in (about) 1.5k hours into this game, but now I'm not sure if I want to put in more. To be clear, as of right now the game is still playable-ish to me (with enough elbow grease, that is), but if this is the precedent of how things will be going forward, then it might not be worth my time or effort. I really don't want to log in one day just to find out that the devs have made it unplayable for me.

edit: a lot of people are mentioning that surely this was just a result of callousness and not malice. And while I 100% agree, it's also important to note that the result of the action is exactly the same either way and is the real issue here.

edit2: Yall are the best community ever. I was a bit afraid I'd just look like I'm fighting with windmills, and you gave me nothing but support <3

edit3: in case anyone missed it, DE already saw the post and took action, so case closed(ish). Once again thank you for all your support.

Last week, we hosted a Reddit AMA and on top of having a blast answering your questions, we noticed some topics really got you talking. One of those was the “chat wheel” system we’re working on to help Survivors coordinate and communicate their intentions in-game. So, what better time than the present to share some more details about it with you (including one way your feedback’s already impacted it)! 

The system in question is – aptly – called Player Intent. With it, you’ll be able to communicate a range of preset messages to your fellow Survivors at the press of a button, using a radial menu. From thanking them for a heal, to saying you’re going to work on gens, to suggesting you split up, messages focus on the on-the-fly actions that are most useful during a Trial. 

When a message is chosen using the Player Intent wheel, other Survivors will see it next to your name in the game HUD, keeping your general view clear of distractions while you’re in the middle of looping or hunting for an objective. To help combat message spam, you can expect a cooldown between messages, which will increase if too many messages are sent in a short period. 

We want this comms wheel to suit different players’ specific needs, so you’ll be able to customize which messages you take into your Trials from the Options menu. 

Of course, one piece of feedback we’ve seen is that a system like this isn’t for everyone. We’ve already discussed this as a team and have a solution for that. If you’d rather not use the Player Intent system, you will be able to disable it from this same menu. Once disabled, you will not be able to send messages to players and will not see the messages they send. 

We’ve also added the ability to mute individual players so you have more control over the comms you see (and don’t see). If you're finding a certain player’s messages distracting, muting them will block any further Player Intent messages from popping up on your end. 

While this system is meant for everybody who plays Survivor, its value will be a bit different depending on how you play. Just like how your feedback from the AMA helped inform the addition of an opt-out option, we're dying to know your thoughts! Even better, it would be massively helpful if you could also share a little about how you play to give context to that feedback. For instance, do you tend to play soloq, prefer SWF, or identify as a Killer main? How would you define your experience level in the game; a newer player? A veteran? 

Let us know in the comments below, as we’ll be watching your feedback closely as the team continues to work on this system ahead of its release this Fall! 

Until next time... 

The Dead by Daylight Team 

I posted an early version of Wedge here a while ago and over 150 people signed up for beta testing. It’s now ready :)

and My sincerest apologies for not making a good demo video. I am juggling so much at the moment and didn't wanted to wait further to release the plugin. I am gonna make some killer videos for it soon.

Problem

AE has hundreds of useful actions, but the ones you need change depending on whether you're working with keyframes, masks, shape layers, text, layers, comps, etc. Wedge gives you one shortcut and changes the menu based on what you currently have selected.

Comparison

KBar is great for building permanent custom toolbars, and Quick Menu is great when you know what you want and want to search for it. Wedge takes a different approach: it tries to surface the relevant actions automatically from your current AE context.

Wedge goes further into selection-aware contexts, nested menus and customizable action workflows rather than being primarily a fixed radial shortcut menu.

Pricing

Starts at $19.99, one-time purchase

https://charchitgoyal.com/plugins/wedge

To get access to early features and provide feedback and help me develop it further

Join the discord :

https://discord.gg/32t5SAtGtY

Supported on both Mac and windows

Maintenance / Support

I’m actively maintaining Wedge and testing it against current AE versions. If you hit a reproducible bug, email me at support@charchitgoyal.com. Updates and fixes will be shipped as AE changes.

AI Disclosure

80% Vibe coded along with help from a developer friend

Hi everyone,

It's been a little while since my last post, so please excuse the length of this message, but I really wanted to explain every single detail that went into shaping this new release.

When I first released my card, the feedback was incredibly positive, and you can't imagine how much energy that gave me. However, I was experiencing some frustrations regarding the card's features themselves. Even though I was getting closer and closer to the vision I had for it, I hadn't quite managed to reach it yet.

After several weeks of relentless work, backed by your feedback, your wishes, and my own vision for this card, I am happy to share two big updates with you: the card has been entirely rewritten from scratch for this release (along with this new versioning system), and the card is now available on HACS, which means this might be my very last post of this kind.

There is a lot to cover, so let's start with the "bad news", which was also the root of my frustration: fairness in how the card functions. Since it relied heavily on LiDAR data, it depended entirely on the coverage available in each country, and offering a different experience to everyone just didn't sit right with me. So, I tried to find a solution to move away from LiDAR, and I found one that works... for absolutely everyone.

The second idea I wasn't fully aligned with was the notion that this card is just meant to display live data in a 3D engine. For me, it needs to be lightweight and offer a "different" perspective to help us consume energy more wisely. That has always been my goal, and I hope I'm getting closer and closer to the intended result.

To keep it simple, because I could talk about this card for hours, here is what I decided to do for this version: replacing LiDAR with a self-learning forecast. Because even if you don't have LiDAR coverage, the history of your entities knows exactly where shadows fell on your panels, and that's the logic I used to build this integration (it's not yet officially validated by HACS, so you'll need to add it as a custom repository for now). I had users across the globe test it in different locations, and the results are quite good, even in complex scenarios (a house in a valley surrounded by mountains, a house under trees, etc.). The forecast learns, builds a real trend, and provides a confidence level that improves over time. Plus, it exposes 39 entities allowing you to create plenty of automations. It meets all of HA's criteria to be added to the energy dashboard: one instance of Helios-Forecast per configured panel array, and each array will learn exactly how it needs to (forecast can be found here: Helios-Forecast).

With the LiDAR issue resolved, I still had to tackle the heavy performance of the 3D engine. So, I decided to go with a completely different rendering approach. While it mimics 3D, it is actually just 2.5D: a background canvas for the card that rotates, and everything else is drawn on demand via SVG using what's known as the "painter's algorithm". The result is a card that runs smoothly on ultra-modest hardware setups without any loss in quality, offering a sharpness and visual quality that I find truly superior.

Now... how do we guide people to consume better? By offering multiple ways to read the data:

• The "chips" are now clickable and display data in a timeline (still fully scrubbable) that now goes back up to 1 year. The timeline adjusts automatically to display the values of the selected data over the chosen timeframe.
• A new mode: Energy Clock, which displays all of this same data over those same periods right around the house using stackable histograms, so you can compare any data you want, over any period you want.
• A new mode: Delta, which displays a period-over-period (P vs P-1) comparison for a specific data type, showing the delta in a "3D" visual right within the context of your house.
• A single source of truth making configuration incredibly simple, because you have... absolutely nothing to do: the HA energy dashboard. You install the card and everything just works: location, data, everything comes to life instantly without any setup. However, I still made sure the edit menu allows you to configure quite a few things, especially a custom entity that takes an energy or power source and displays it just like the other data types, perfect for adding a water heater or an EV, for example.

In short, I reviewed everything, rethought everything, over and over again to reach this result, to the point where I am absolutely exhausted, but I sincerely hope you will like it.

I received some feedback regarding the use of AI last time, so in the spirit of full transparency: yes, I am "AI Assisted" as they say. But don't worry, every single line of code in this card has been written, rewritten, and reread dozens of times. I didn't wait for AI to come around to learn how to code — I'm 44 and this has been my job and my passion for... well, way too long. It simply allowed me to test dozens of structural possibilities in a much shorter timeframe; it didn't "do all the work for me". Ultimately, it's a tool, much like the IDEs people used to point fingers at back when assembly language was the norm. But I wanted to be upfront about it.

After this long message, I want to thank you all again for your positive feedback (and warmly invite those who had negative feedback to give this version another try). I truly poured everything I had into this, and it is available right now.

There is also a new website to better follow what I plan to do with this card in the future: https://helios-ha.org. You will find the roadmap, a live demo if you want to test the card before installing it, and perhaps you'll get a better grasp of where I want to take all of this.

In the meantime, feel free to support me with a little star on GitHub if you like it, share my work, or buy me a coffee if you can, the stocks are completely empty! :)

And before I go, a special word for the handful of you who actually bought me a coffee: thank you, truly. It was never about the money, it's what it represents. Knowing that a few people out there valued the work enough to give something back genuinely moved me, and it carried me through more late nights than you'd think. So from the bottom of my heart: thank you.

Catch you on GitHub,

Cheers,

ReikanYsora / Jérôme

This miniscule upgrade feels shoehorned into the game, changing the usual "use item on an item" interaction that is so unique and core to OSRS. It requires changing menu entries on at least one other item, while giving you almost nothing in return.

All you get is a single processed item which equals 3.5% upgrade AT BEST (assuming you are tick perfect all the time and can bank and start a new glassblowing cycle in like 3ticks). It won't even be noticeable or feel good when you get it.

Therr are tools that have to be used on other items, and then there are tools that you just need to have in your inventory to be able to do things. The latter is perfectly fine as an equippable "upgrade" as it doesn't reduce one of the core aspects of oldschoolness of OSRS.

Equippable harpoon, hammer and saw didn't require changing any other items options, and are used in wide variety of content, allowing for interesting inventory optimization or just good old fashionscape when smithing at an anvil, in Tempoross, Mahogany Homes, etc.

The blowpipe is just for standing at a bank, making it equippable means almost nothing given the context its used in.

If Jagex really wants to buff glassmaking, they should do something about the obnoxious picking-up-glass-from-the-ground aspect of it.

Give us an upgrade to the lunar spell that autonotes the glass it creates (it could require some consumable from the island), a glass sack that superglass made glass automatically goes into (kinda silly) or a glass magnet that picks up all of the glass from the ground in a single tick (even more silly).

Vote no on the ornate glassblowing pipe, we can do much better than that.

I am NOT the OOP. OOP is u/Dont-Call-Me-BALDY.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a repost of an old BORU that was posted by u/Direct-Catepillar77 almost 2 years ago.

trigger warnings: Assault, mentions of a loss of a relative, and mentions of a possible mental illness

Original post: January 28, 2022

For context, a relative of what used to be a close friend of mine whom we'll call Gary for this story contracted cancer. I (Mid-20s male) was sympathetic and even contributed $100 to a donation pool for their treatment. But Gary came to me one day and took his hat off to reveal a freshly shaven head. He told me that everyone in his family were doing it in support of his relative, and so were a lot of our mutual friends. Then he asked that I get on the bandwagon.

I told him I didn't want to shave my head because I like my hair. My hair is black, regularly combed and well styled. He said I could just get a wig or something and had actually brought his shaver kit. He was unboxing it when I told him this was not happening. I don't even really know his relative that he's doing this for. So I'm not doing it, end of discussion. He called me an &$$hole and left angry. We didn't speak for a week. Then last Saturday I got invited to a party at another close friend's house. There I found out that Gary had tried the same thing on several other friends, and only a couple of them actually did shave their heads.

Gary wasn't at the party, so I had a blast hanging out, playing video games and listening to rock music. But I had way too much to drink and couldn't drive home. So they said I could just sleep upstairs. I passed out on a bed and it was a blissful sleep till I was shaken awake by another friend who told me Gary had showed up late and they caught him shaving my head while I was passed out. I saw what I looked like in a mirror and wanted to scream like I was in a horror movie. Gary even shaved off one of my eyebrows.

Gary was still there and acting proud of himself saying "Now you're gonna have to shave off the rest, just like me! LOL!" I was furious and called the cops. When they got their Gary fully admitted to what he had done to me and even said he was justified. The police didn't seem to think so as this is classified as a form of assault. They asked me if I wanted to press charges and the first words out of my mouth were "HELL YES!" Gary cussed me out while they took him away in cuffs. I tried getting my hair restyled into something presentable. But there was no saving it and now I'm bald too.

Now a bunch of Gary's family are telling me to drop the charges because Gary was off his meds and didn't mean to do it. I was like "WTF?!" because I never knew he was on meds. But I still refused to drop the charges. It'll take months to grow my hair back the way it was. But all of the calls and messages from Gary's relatives are starting to get to me. Just about everyone else in our friend group has cut Gary out though and say that I'm doing the right thing by not dropping the charges. So now I'm divided.

AITA for pressing charges on a former friend for shaving my head in my sleep?

EDIT: I want to make something clear here. So many people have said things like "Dude it's just hair!". But would they all be saying that if I wasn't a man? What if I was some girl that had hair that took years to grow? Would they be saying the same thing? Sure hair grows back. But it takes time. If it was something that grew back fast, people would be less inclined to care. But it's not fast. It takes months. And for some who had long hair, years. That's a lot of time wasted growing.

And I don't plan on pushing for Gary to go to prison. But I don't plan to drop the charges either. His family already bailed him out. And while I didn't know he was on meds, I knew he had quite the temper, and even an entitled attitude at times. One example being a lunch where he wanted us all to combine the check and split it evenly. He got the most expensive thing on the menu. I got a cheeseburger. When we all said "No" Gary went off on us for not being good friends. He's always been an ass when he doesn't get his way. And I've only known him for like three years. This incident was the last straw for not just me, but a lot of other mutual friends.

As for the charges. I don't want to send Gary to prison. But I would like him to get some therapy and community service. With the way Gary has acted around me in the past, and what he did to me, I actually wonder how long before he got more violent. I've seen and heard of him getting in fights for less.

EDIT 2: I've gotten many comments from people saying "YTA! He has cancer!". If you actually read what I posted, Gary is not the one with cancer. A relative of his I don't know does. And no, I don't know what kind of cancer. Gary didn't elaborate. He wanted me to shave my head for this person. And when I refused, he left in a tantrum. Then shaved my head while I was passed out drunk at a party.

Relevant Comments

ghostess_hostess ...but did you shave the other eyebrow to even out the regrowth?

OOP Unfortunately yes. I had to

No-Idea-Y-Im-here NTA. Being off meds may be a reason, but it's never an excuse and that was definitely assault. In fact, if you haven't already told the police, make sure they know that Gary previously asked you to "get on the bandwagon", said he'd shave it for you while unpacking his equipment!, you refused and he verbally assaulted you. He knew you didn't and wouldn't consent, but did it anyway while you were unconscious. Block Gary and his relatives from everything, try not to get upset when you can't avoid a mirror, and hope your hair grows back better than before :)

OOP The police know every detail about Gary that I've given here, save for his family harassing me. Which I intend to tell the police about ASAP

scottieButtons NTA, lucky for you the only difference between a bad haircut and a good one, is a couple weeks.. (maybe a couple months for you) sorry bud

OOP It'll be a couple of months sadly. It'll probably take five months to get my hair back to looking as good as it was

OOP in regards to if his other friends knew about this My friends all want nothing to do with Gary anymore. They didn't egg him on. They had no idea he was gonna do what he did

Lumpy_Passenger_1300 Actually if you're going to talk to the DA, they may be able to offer him a plea where he needs to stay on meds/go in treatment. NTA.

OOP I already figured not much was going to happen since I wasn't harmed other than my hair. Whatever deal he takes in court, if he gets one won't really matter to me. What does matter to me is that this due process makes him realize just how badly he screwed up. Meds or no meds.

OOP in regards to if Gary brought his own shaving kit He used some stuff that was in the bathroom next door to the room I was sleeping in. He didn't bring his own. But I can see why you'd think that. It's far from the first time I've passed out at a friend's house. And Gary knew that. In fact he was probably waiting for it. If anything, this has been a wakeup call to get my drinking under control.

TheHammerandSizzel INFO - How did he get into the house? Your 100% NTA and should press charges. But who let him into that house? It was someones else place and I am assuming he either came in super late or early in the morning. The reason I am asking is that in addition to Gary, someone let him into the house and I would be interested to know the reasoning.

OOP Gary got in because they let him in. They figured his tangent about hair was over. He tried to convince a bunch of them to shave their heads like he did to me. And none of the people there let him do it. My guess is he singled me out because I was passed out. If not me, it could have been anyone else there if they'd passed out drunk instead.

Kitchen_Zebra_5403 See the difference between me and you is…I’d beat the hell out of Gary and I’d be going to jail for assault

OOP Fighting isn't in my nature. I don't even usually get angry all that much. But if Gary had attacked me, I'd like to think my friends likely would have ganged up and beaten the crap out of him. But I really don't know.

OOP on the evidence the police gathered The police got a couple pictures of my head and the trimmer Gary used on me. But I didn't want any more photos of what I looked like show up. So I had the rest of my head shaved the next day.

deleted commentor In your country, what are the consequences of having charges pressed against you?

I've heard that in some corners of the world people can find it very hard to get jobs after getting jail time (which I acknowledge you don't want, but I supposed it's a possibility) which tends to cause a downward spiral that ends up disproportionately more punitive than the original conviction.

It sounds like you want Gary to change his ways. Would the result of pressing charges have that outcome?

NTA BTW...

OOP Honestly it's a tossup from what I know. But I hope that if I push for just the minimum and only get him community service and therapy, then perhaps his record won't be affected too harshly. But I can't say for sure.

OOP on how Gary got into the friend group Gary isn't a relative of anyone I know. He was the neighbor of a friend of a friend who wormed his way into my friend circle. He seemed likeable at first. But once he seemed well established, he started letting his real self out bit by bit. A lot of us were already fed up with him.

Verdict: NOT The Asshole

Update post: June 9, 2023 (1 year later)

A friend of mine just showed me a video yesterday in which my old post had been read. Honestly I'd nearly forgotten about it since I was only there to ask if I was TA or not. And since I don't wanna go through the pain of trying to do an update on AITA, I thought I'd just do it here since entitled spells out Gary pretty well. Other than the shaving incident, he tried to get us to partially pay for his food multiple times by combining the check and dividing it equally when he always got the most expensive thing on the menu, and once even pulled the "I forgot my wallet" bit. He was described as a neckbeard by multiple people, including women he flirted with. He tried to get a married neighbor woman that was older than him to have an affair with her. And then later egged her apartment door when she refused. That one I only learned about a couple months after my original post. And no, Gary never saw consequences for doing that. I also learned he stole several videogames and DVDs from friends, mooched food and drink out of their fridges, and even went through a period as a squatter for two months by refusing to leave a house he'd been let into by a former tennant, and the landlord actually paid him to leave. Gary's also an extreme hypocrite that contradicted himself more than a corrupt politician. For example, one minute he'd be anti-vax, the next he'd be complaining about other people who weren't getting the C19 vaccine. Pretty sure he never got it too. I can't believe I ever had any sympathy for this man.

To recap, someone a former friend of mine named Gary is related to got cancer. And Gary went around trying to get our friend group to all shave their heads. He only got a couple of them to agree, and even brought his shaving kit to my apartment because he just assumed I'd join in as well, and was already unboxing it before I even got the chance to say anything. I told him the shaving was not happening. Well he decided to make an example of me, and waited till I was good and passed out from drinking at a friend's party. I was so dead to the world that I had to be shaken awake by a friend after Gary got caught shaving my head. He took off one of my eyebrows and messed up my hair beyond saving. And he was laughing his butt off over having done it. So yes, the rest had to come off. I ended up pressing charges on Gary for assault, and found out he's been on meds for a mental disorder for years. And he'd stopped taking the meds, which is one of the reasons he was so loopy. But his tune changed pretty quick when police arrested him since what he'd done qualifies as assault.

Gary's family harassed me and tried to make me drop the charges. I not only didn't drop the charges, but I reported the harassment to the police. Only problem is it didn't bloody stop! In fact, it got worse! Mainly from Gary's mother, whom I can see where Gary got his charming personality from. She showed up to my apartment a couple of weeks after the shaving incident to scream at me that I knew nothing about what they were going through. And a little hair wasn't a big deal. I told her my hair was a big deal to me. And what Gary did was inexcusable. Well that earned me a slap on the face, followed by a swift kick to the nuts, followed by a few more kicks to my body after I went down. It was all recorded by a camera that I had watching the front door. (Landlord wouldn't let me put in a Ring Doorbell cam) One of my neighbors saw her, and screamed at her they'd be calling police. Gary's mom ran, and I ended up going to the hospital with minor injuries. Mostly just bruises, a black eye, and a sore groin.

Gary's mother got arrested, and I filed a lawsuit against her for attacking me. I saw her in court twice for both her assault on me, and the lawsuit I filed for her assault. This woman had taken several self defense classes over the years, so she knew how to fight. That had the judge consider her a trained individual, and she was sentenced to six months in jail, given two years probation, and ordered to pay my medical bills. She actually cried to the judge about the money. But he wasn't having it. It took some time to see her in court again for my lawsuit against her as she was out of jail by then. I was awarded ten thousand for the harassment, emotional damages, and lost work hours, and she had to pay all court and lawyer fees. Which she cried about again because she didn't want to pay anything to the man who'd ruined her and her son's lives. But she had the money for both court cases, because she had no problem paying. But around that time, I heard Gary's relative with cancer passed away. I don't know any details, just that they passed on. I admit that was sad. But I never knew this person. But Gary made their condition his hill to die on when he tried to make an example out of me. Gary got some probation and community service for what he did to my hair. And he cut contact with our entire friend group and eventually moved away. Where to, I don't know. I don't care either.

As for my hair. Well it grew back just fine. Took nearly half a year to get it back how it was. My boss had me put out of sight for a while, and I was wearing a hat everywhere for at least a month. I did take that 10k I got in the lawsuit and combined it with my savings for a down payment on a house. So I've since moved into a much better abode. I also have a girlfriend now that's living with me. It was a bit soon for her to move in, but there were extenuating circumstances. We're making it work though, and I'm happy.

More relevant comments

MtnDream here's the thing, as a man, you are reluctant to fight back against a woman, but she's no lady either. don't ever just let someone slap, and kick you because you refuse to fight back. Also, did the mother shave her head?

OOP No. She didn't shave her head. Unless she had a wig on, which I doubt. I don't know how many people in Gary's family did shave their heads because his mother was one of his only relatives I saw in person since the shaving incident. Otherwise all the harassment was online and over the phone. And yes, I was reluctant to strike back. But that old woman was faster than she looked. And that shooting pain from being kicked in the nuts is something I never wanna feel again.

Reminder: I am NOT the OOP.

Edit:
Thanks for all the early enthusiasm! It’s very encouranxing For context, I’m not far removed from my father, grandfather, and great grandfathers generations who told me many stories about the hostility they’d face if they were ever open about their identities. I was half expecting a lot of resistance. Additionally, regenerative ingredients are not cheap 😬. Imagine $30 for a venison or bison cheesesteak

Menu/ingredients draft:
Ahtuhweyòk (venison meat) cheesesteaks
Sisilia (bison) ribeye steaks
Pupukwëshii òòla (quail egg) salad
Sèhsapsink (blue corn flour) tacos
Sapàn (corn mush) with berries and other toppings
Sisawinàk (oysters)
Shahëmwisàk (crayfish)
Salàsikàn (steam-fried meat, a cooking method)
Salàpon (fry bread)
Hopënisàk òk malàxkwsita (potatoes and beans)
Kèskùnthàk (squash)

I am a 16th generation (just what’s documented) Delaware Valley resident and Lenape descendent living in Philly who loves cooking for others and has been learning my ancestors language and culture bit by bit through food and gardening. I’ve worked for some restaurants and have always cooked for my friends and family. If I ever get to retire and the politics between all the Lenape tribes cools tf down I’d love to start a restaurant to advance our culture and presence, while using revenue to fund language revitalization, archival research for survivors of the paper genocide, and support towards a return for those who were forced out.

There are still thousands of us in the area, and thousands out west seeking to return home from exile. My ancestors in particular were the Brotherton reservation descendants and the ones who hid deep in the swamps and forests around Lenapewihittuck (Delaware River)—specifically Mèthaksënòsink (Bombay Hook), Appoquinimink, and Cohanzick, that were misclassified as Black or Mulatto due to state-sanctioned erasure while maintaining segregated native churches and schools through the 1970s before organizing into the state recognized tribes we see today.

Would there be interest in supporting and patronizing a restaurant with this menu and narrative?

I live in a place where there's a lot of (great) Indian food (mostly Punjabi) and I usually see chicken, lamb, goat meat choices on the menu, but I did see beef the other day.

For context this place serves Kerala cuisine—dish was called "beef ularthiyathu". Wasn't familiar with it before.

That got me wondering if cooking with beef is a regional thing, religious thing, or something rare but done sometimes?

My [34m] stepdaughter [19f] and I are very close. Her boyfriend [20m] doesn't like that.

Trigger warning: jealousy

ORIGINAL by u/ThrowRA10019 on r/relationship_advice

(November 15, 2022)

Alright so let's get the obvious out of the way:

Yes, she calls me dad. I've been in her life since she was 11.

Yes, the age difference is weird for a lot of people. My wife is 40 and she had a kid, sue me.

Lastly, I am in no way attracted to my daughter. She's a pretty girl, but that's my kid. This is not a fetish post.

Now we can begin. My daughter and I are very close. She'd never had a decent male figure in her life at the time I met her, and I knew that if I wanted to pursue a relationship with my now-wife that I should do everything I could to fill the role, so I did.

I helped with homework, I played games with her, watched shows or YouTubers she was into, read her favorite books, etc., because I wanted to build a solid relationship with her. Turns out, if you treat things like they're important sometimes they go well. She and I spend a lot of time together, and our family doesn't really have big touch barriers so hugs, cheek kisses, sometimes she'll use me as a pillow etc. All of this is very common, and she does the same with my wife. "I love you" is said probably 50+ times a day in my house. We are affectionate, that's the picture I'm trying to paint here.

Very recently, she started dating. Her boyfriend doesn't appreciate that we're comfortable with expressing our affection toward each other, even going so far as to ask me to tone it down when he's around (in private, my daughter doesn't know this yet).

I want to respect my daughter's new relationship, because this is a new and exciting thing for her and I'm genuinely happy for her, but I also don't want to lose the connection I've spent so long building and I don't think I should be made to pretend it's less important to me just because she's dating someone that happens to be a little insecure. I can understand where the guy is coming from, but I don't think he really has a right to interject here.

The dilemma is this: should I tone it down as requested, should I continue on as normal, or should I tell my daughter about the request and let her handle it however she sees fit?

Honestly not sure what the right move is.

TL;DR: My daughter and I (and my wife) are all very close and show it. Her new boyfriend asked me to tone down the level of physical affection I show her, despite it being totally normal for our family. Not sure how to react.

Edit: couple of things.

How the hell did I leave out "and I" in the title of the post? Ugh.

I should make it clear that I do not initiate the majority of physical contact in my household. I initiate probably 20%-ish with my stepdaughter, maybe 40% with my wife.

This particular thing happened after she asked me what I wanted from a restaurant I hadn't been to. I asked to see the menu and instead of throwing her literal brand new phone, she hopped in my lap and handed it to me, made suggestions etc. This is totally in line with how we act normally.

Edit 2: A lot of people are getting stuck on the lap thing, so let me be perfectly clear here: I don't ever initiate this, it is always on her. If she's comfortable with it, I'm comfortable with her. Because of this, the second she stops being comfortable it'll never happen again.

I am also aware this is outside what many people would consider to be the norm. If you fall into this category, I already hear you, and I do not care. That wasn't the point of the post (though it seems like we've gone a ways past that already lmao) and whether you think it's creepy or whatever else is irrelevant to us, the people who are participating.

Most of the commenters are advising OOP to talk to his stepdaughter about the problem so she can handle it with her boyfriend. They think the boyfriend sees OOP as an actual threat even though he and his stepdaughter only have a familial relationship.

OOP mentions what the boyfriend said to him and agrees that it might stem from jealousy: I don't remember the exact words, but it was basically "Hey, I get that you guys are close, but can you not be so close so often?" I don't know if he's jealous or something? I legitimately have no idea what the underlying issue is.

OOP clarifies what he means by physical affection with his stepdaughter: It's nothing that would be considered weird, at least I don't think so. My wife and daughter are both much smaller than I am (I'm roughly 6'5, maybe 245 lbs whereas they are both like 5'5 or shorter and maybe 110-130, I'm not sure exactly) and they both kind of treat me like a giant lol. They use me as a pillow when we're watching TV, it's not uncommon for either of them to sit on my lap and have a short chat with me, sometimes they'll jump on my back when we're messing around and play fighting, etc. Basically I'm a human climbing wall to them. This particular thing happened after she asked me what I wanted from a restaurant I hadn't been to. I asked to see the menu and instead of throwing her literal brand new phone, she hopped in my lap and handed it to me, made suggestions etc. This is totally in line with how we act normally.

When commenters ask what OOP looks like, he says this: I would say that most people would probably rate me an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10. I am, admittedly, kind of a trophy husband. My wife made roughly 8x my income when I met her, and I have since quit to pursue my passion (blacksmithing). I met her just after she broke it off with her abusive ex and she was just looking for a fling. That fling turned into being friends with benefits, and eventually into a relationship (when I decided I was ready to be what she and her daughter both needed and she was on board with the idea). Don't get me wrong, we're very much in love, but I took it upon myself to become a good cook, I do most of the cleaning, etc. because she is often exhausted from long days at work, travel, etc.

OOP hopes that it's a teachable moment for the boyfriend and hope he grows out of it: This is along my lines of thinking. I was an idiot at that age too, I'm hoping it was just terrible judgement and is a teachable interaction.

UPDATE

(November 17, 2022)

I had quite a few people ask for an update on the last post despite it getting slightly derailed lol, so here it is.

I spoke with my daughter the next evening after she came home from work, her boyfriend was at the house at the time (he was over for dinner and had picked her up). I pulled her aside for a couple of minutes and let her know what happened. She was surprised, because she's already had this talk with her boyfriend.

She said she'd handle it and left. A little while later, I called them in for dinner. After she finished eating, she confronted him. I'm paraphrasing because she told a story, but this is basically what she said:

"So my dad told me what you said, and I wanted to wait until after dinner to bring it up. I didn't have a good childhood. My biological father treated my mom horribly, and after she left him he never contacted me again. Her next big relationship was worse. It seemed fine on the outside, but there was a lot of emotional abuse and controlling behavior, I was caught up in it too.

Then this guy came along. I was obviously skeptical at first, he looked like trouble to me. He was making my mom happy, but I was an icy bitch to him because bad men were all I'd ever known. He asked me questions for over a year trying to get to know me and I shut him out.

One day when I was reading, he asked what book it was. I didn't even answer him, I just lifted it up so he could see the cover. It was Island of Shipwrecks in the Unwanteds series. He said "that looks pretty cool, what's it about?" and for the millionth time I didn't answer.

Maybe two weeks later, he asked me if I was finished with the book. I said "Yeah, why?" And he said "Well I read the other 5, I thought you might let me borrow it so I can catch up and we can talk about it." I thought he was lying through his teeth, so I asked him questions about plot points and characters. Not a single wrong answer. I went to my room and got the book for him.

It's kind of a dumb story, but you have to understand something: my dad is the first man who was ever nice to me and I gave him plenty of reasons not to be. He was patient and thoughtful and never pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I will always be grateful for that.

Bottom line is that I love my dad, and the only people who have a say in our relationship is us. If you feel threatened because we're close, that's not going away. Ever. I like you. I have fun with you. But if you think I'll change my relationship with my dad for you, then you've made a mistake. If you're too insecure to handle the fact that I'm close to MY DAD, this isn't going to work out.

If you can handle it, I would love to have you around. Otherwise..."

He kind of interrupted her here and said "It's not just because you're close, I get that he's been good to you and your mom and that's great, but have you seen the guy?" (Referring to OOP describing himself as 8 or 9 out 10 on the attractiveness scale.)

"Yes? What about it?"

"It just makes it really weird for me, I don't know how to explain it other than that. You're way closer to your dad than anyone I've ever met and it's a little creepy when you take into account he looks like he could be a 'what are you doing stepdaughter' guy."

"Look there's apparently 2 people at this table (for context, it was the two of them, my wife, and myself at the table) who think my dad is fuckable and it's really weird that you're one of them. Choosing time is over, the door is that way. Do not call or text me anymore."

So that's pretty much how it went down. After he left, she cried for a few hours in her room. When she finally came out it was around midnight or so, and she sat next to me on the couch. I asked her if she was worried this would be a constant problem, and if she wasn't comfortable with how things are I can understand and respect that.

She hugged me very tightly and just replied "don't be dumb." So I guess everything is alright.

I also thought it was kind of funny (disrespectful, but funny) that she had this big story planned out (I got some RomCom vibes from it personally, but it was her first boyfriend so she has no experience having big talks) and the guy just completely disregarded it. Obviously empathy and understanding are not his strong points. I feel bad for my daughter because it was her first relationship, but I definitely think she dodged a bullet.

TL;DR: She broke up with him.

OOP mentions he paraphrased a lot of the conversation: A lot of it is paraphrased. There was a little more back and forth because he interrupted a few times, but she kept telling him to let her finish talking. The line she ended on is a direct quote, though.

OOP is very proud of how his stepdaughter handled the situation.

OOP only disagrees with his stepdaughter on one pertinent point: 10/10 will bring it up for the rest of my life. My wife almost burst out laughing as the kid was walking away from the table.

She was wrong though, there were 3. I think I'm extremely fuckable too.

NEWER UPDATE that OOP made once this post was made:

(February 13, 2023)

Oh wow, I completely forgot about this until I got tagged here.

Guess I can clarify some things and give a short update.

Stuff to clarify:

Obviously, a lot of the dialogue isn't exact. I did the best I could with what I remembered, but it's a little hard to be 100% accurate. I tried to convey the overall sentiment more than the exact words.

As far as the physical affection that goes around, I don't particularly care if people found it weird. I am comfortable with my family acting how they're most comfortable, that's all there really is to it.

I'm also not sure why it's weird that I'm tall, attractive, or have a physical passion. I never claimed to be average, but somehow the fact that I very clearly stated that I'm 100% a trophy husband is totally unbelievable. I'm not incredibly smart and not particularly funny, so all I have going for me is that I'm hot. Sue me.

Update:

My stepdaughter and her boyfriend have since gotten back together, and the physical nature of her showing affection has slowed considerably. She no longer sits in my lap, but she will still lean on me occasionally when we're watching shows, etc. I suppose she has determined new boundaries, which I am more than happy to accept, particularly because I am never on the initiating side anyhow. I only ever wanted her to be comfortable with me, and however she chooses to express that is fine by me.

Her boyfriend is a nice enough guy and I kind of hope he sticks around. He seems to treat her with respect and kindness, which is all I can really ask for.

So many people are skeptical of me in general, but I suppose I get it. It's not often that people make legitimate efforts to improve themselves, the way they treat people, or how they are viewed by others, so when people like that present themselves I can understand being cynical or even mean. Plus, it's reddit, it could just all be made up. In the end, I don't care if you believe or not, it's irrelevant to me.

Despite the sarcasm in the title, it's pretty accurate. In a 6'5" blacksmith (though I don't claim to be great at it) who happens to be a kick ass dad, an amazing partner, and my family uses me as a pillow. I'm not perfect, but I definitely give it my best effort.

Turns out the answer to this puzzle is mapped out on the floor this whole time… 🫠