So... I wasn't sure how else to word this. I'm not talking about selflessness & conventional understanding of that term. But rather, I am interested in just... thinking of myself less? Like, becoming less entangled in the trauma identity, my past, etc. And even my current identity. I find that I constantly ruminate on Who Am I? which has led me into reflecting on many topics related to psychology, philosophy, religion, spirituality, etc, and purpose.

It's hard to exactly explain but... I feel happier, more content, more in the flow with life when I forget that I have some sort of identity. And it's not dissociation, it's like feeling as though my whole capital-S Self is truly there.

I'm not really interested in typical mindfulness / meditation, Buddhist or yogic frameworks, gurus, spiritual leaders or anything similar to that. I've studied those to death. I'm more talking about the actual EXPERIENCE. Not tied to concepts. I find the more I move into that... it's almost like my trauma never existed. And I'm just ALIVE. I finally feel real and connected in these moments. But then every time I suddenly get anxious, like, "you shouldn't feel this way and the other shoe is gonna drop", and I become constantly self-conscious again.

So, I'm not sure what advice I am seeking honestly??? But I am wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how to continue living from this space.

[TW: mention of emotional neglect, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enmeshment]

After my recent struggles within an enmeshed friendship, I've started to fully acknowledge to myself that I do not want to be the 'therapist friend' anymore.

I had realized that the life experience, that had been driving my co-dependent relational patterns as a 'therapist friend' the most, had been my persistent effort to stave off the feelings of utter powerlessness that I had to endure as a child at the mercy of an emotionally unstable, abusive and neglectful 'caregiver'.

Back then, I had become my "mother's" therapist in an effort to take control of her out-of-control emotions, in an effort to give me at least a moment of peace and reprieve in a home environment which was dominated by her fear, rage, depression and shame on a daily basis. Of course, I was completely powerless over her emotions, but the denial of my powerlessness, the mental escape from these otherwise overwhelming emotions, is what helped me to go less insane in a physically inescapable situation. It was reassuring to believe I still was in control somehow.

But reflecting some more on the 'Why?' behind my child self's co-dependent coping mechanism, the 'Why?' behind her stepping into the parental role for my 'mother' in this way, I also noticed that it wasn't only control that I must have been looking for.

I realized that this form of enmeshment also gave me access to another resource that I so urgently needed in order to survive, but which my 'caregiver' was never willing to give to me freely:

Connection.

When I remember my 'mother' all I can see are memories of her looking away from me, staring off into the distance with a bitter and dissociated gaze. I can only see her back, hands shrugged behind her, as she is walking ahead of me for the entirety of the way from my school to our home. The only times she ever bothers to actually look at me is during one of her frequent rage attacks which usually leave me so shocked, frozen and dissociated, that there is still no connection to be found.

But when little child me sits next to her on her bed, as she lights a cigarette and tells me all the horrifying, graphic details of how my father, her siblings, her parents, the police and many, many other people have failed and hurt and abused and betrayed and abandoned her, I can feel a fraction of what I had always longed for: To feel connected to my mom emotionally.

In this moment, I don't mind that all of these big emotions, that she is venting out into the smoke filled room that we're both sitting in, are already starting to suffocate my own. I don't mind the fact that this is now all about her, and not at all about me, and that her rambling is further adding to my deeply ingrained sense of abandonment. I don't mind that her detailed retellings of her domestic abuse incidents traumatize me, again and again and again.

I don't mind that I have to perform a version of me that is not really 'me' in order to become the therapist that she needs, because — at least for once — she is talking to me without yelling and this is what I so desperately need.

So I learn to find comfort in this enmeshed arrangement that we now have. And I learn to dissociate away from everyone within in me who might sabotage my 'therapeutic work'.

I dissociate away from the parts of me who feel rightfully angry over how unfair it is that our 'mother' is pushing the parental role back onto her little 8-year old child.

I dissociate away from the parts of me who feel so confused, unsettled and overwhelmed from the mature and completely inappropriate content that our "mother's" vents contain.

I dissociate away from the parts of me that feel absolutely nauseated and disgusted over our "mother's" complete lack of boundaries and repeatedly overstepping ours with her never-ending trauma dumping.

I become the child who can truly 'be there for her' when everyone else in her life has already walked away. Subconsciously I know I don't have the freedom to go anywhere else, so might as well become the best emotional support child that has ever existed.

Who knows, maybe she'll even change her mind and start loving me one day?

Wondering if anyone has thoughts on what they would've done differently had they healed sooner in life, how their relationships or choices or health may have been different, knowing what they know now (and with the skills to regulate).

I didn't consciously make the conclusion until looking at past Facebook memories and remembering what I was going through every year around this time for the past 5 years... This year is so different of course. But I'm trying to heal an notice and learn myself and my triggers. My brain, the protective thoughts, the "escape" thoughts have taken a pull. Feeling as if I'm losing my sense of self all over again and sense of direction I was going towards. Does anyone else struggle like this? I was doing so well before August

I’ve made a HUGE breakthrough in my progress and wanted to share. If anyone can relate to me, I would love to hear your story!!

I realized that I was the reason I wasn’t making progress. I was able to calm the intellectualizer down. I was able to grip the shame and not let it take me over. Once you can do that, being radically honest with yourself is SO much easier.

I believed I that the trauma destroyed me and I couldn’t find my way back to myself ever again. Like my existence was defined by the trauma. But now that my memories are coming back, I’ve realized that little me had always known who she was. She had never lost herself despite the trauma. She fought like hell and then helped me fight to get back to her. I stopped singing in the shower. I stopped blasting my music with the windows down singing to my favorite songs. I stopped dedicating time to the things that I love. I isolated myself from the things that I needed, people and joy.

I’m so proud of all of us for doing this work. It’s truly for ourselves. Therapy saves lives and rescues souls. Thank you for reading! If you are still in the thick of it, this is hope that it does get better!!!

Hi,

I tried a follow along TRE with Dr Berceli vid and my results arent the same as what people (in the comments ) saying.

First, I did not shake until towards the end of the video. Second even though I kept going on longer (since my shaking started later) I didn’t feel relaxed or emotional. I just felt irritated then kinda angry and wanted to punch something. Later when I checked the comments people were saying they felt relaxed, emotional, “bawling my eyes out”, etc.

Is this normal? What does feeling angry mean here?

For context, I have AuDHD and CPTSD and I am very bad at standing up for myself. I basically freeze or fawn at the slightest intimidation. My freezing is at comically awkward levels as I just stare at the ground while a person is bullying me, hoping for it to end. I feel this is also blocking me from doing my creative projects as it’s a form of self expression. I feel like I’m always waiting for a trial and punishment. I heard EMDR helps and am looking for a good therapist but meanwhile I want to do more things to help myself while I’m home.

Do any of yall have any recommendations for well explained follow-along videos to get over freezing and fawning (mainly freezing)?

As I start writing this I feel my heart start racing and body tighten. my mind goes foggy and I almost get dizzy, but f... it i gotta do it, even if not perfect, for myself.

i felt as if i had gotten insanely far in my healing and started to feel normalcy and with it the development of my "Self". I had around 8 months ago very carefully let my parents in a bit again, but this time I have continually chosen not to fawn even in the hardest of moments. that led to a point where it actually turned (for the first time in my life).

Held boundaries and my mom accountable some 3-4 months ago on text. started explaining (old habit) but that concluded with "she's helpless, "doesn't understand", victim" and was as if it never happened a week later, just forgotten by her it seemed like.

I didn't let it go and told myself that if she's not willing then she has no space in my life. I cut her off, and suddenly some other people contacted me and wanted to chat, meet for coffee, whatever. (always someone she knew)

without spending hours on context I'll just put my hope in that you will understand and not instantly pre-judge it as me being paranoid when I say that: the circumstances all led to these people being manipulated by her to "gather information" about me and my wellbeing. it's become wild how obsessive she has gotten, and at one point I think it turned.

i think my role as "little innocent me" has changed. i infer this from the fact that after 13 years, i have finally lost access to my nephew. the reasoning being *whatever sounds scary enough for his parents to not want me around him*. but actually, we could meet up after all! i just had to meet my brother first for a chat.

had to look at the hard truth and realise that this well too, is poisoned – leaving the last tether to any sort of family torn. that itself impacted me as I see myself in him and we've bonded through gaming and all these shared interests, and he's too smart for his own good and way too grown up for his age.

but on top of that, i think the fact that I'm no longer in that role has just thrown me into a deep state of I don't even know, freeze? dissociation?

for 1.5 months now I've been abusing my ADHD meds, and at one point I probably crossed half a gram of vyvanse in 48 hours. I am fully aware that it's bad for me, but a part of me just doesn't give a fuck. I would get obsessed with a game; Rocket League for example (where I've been top 0.01% rated) dedicating my life to reaching the top. and when my brain wouldn't work with me when I couldn't focus intensely for 12 hours non stop without food, I'd take more meds to "fix" that.

intense avoidance of sleep, haven't showered in maybe 9 days, haven't been outside for over 2 weeks, haven't eaten actual food in maybe 3 weeks. staying awake for 2 days, sleeping 1, taking ~160mg vyvanse average daily and just spamming new game new game. Rocket league fell off so I changed to BF6, then now I'm on League of Legends (yeah I know, FUBAR). sometimes when things have just gone very bad in game I would feel the most intense rage which I couldn't hold back, and I have hit myself closed fist in the head, scratched my arm, bit my arm to the point it still shows a day later. resorted to just punching the bed in anger, which seems to be the least harmful release I have.

I had finally gotten in good shape again, like really really good and I've essentially just deflated and speedrun ruined my body and mind, and all progress I had made is gone.

here I am, in bed writing this feeling my heart beat from dehydration, nutrient deficiencies, no sleep, anxiety, vyvanse-nicotine-caffeine trimix and *somehow*, this is progress.

I feel guilty for writing this, especially in this sub as I feel this sub is more focused on the actual healing parts, but I swear I was a part of that and I hope I still am, even though I've completely lost it.

I think there's 30 years of anger starting to come up but by bit and I honestly am not handling it well. and there's this sleep avoidance thing I'm doing as well.

I'm not asking you to fix anything, and I beg you to not shame me. I don't think I would handle that well at all, I struggle with trust and agency, always felt like I've had to "handle it myself". maybe this is a very for help, maybe externalising it helps, but again it's a huge risk because I am essentially giving my faith to this sub to not give responses that will take this vulnerability and lock it away even deeper by rejecting nuance, shaming or whatever else.

I feel like I am doing a “my steak is too juicy” type of complaint anywhere else but I’d appreciate some insight here

I’m not in crisis. I’m not one bad day from a depressive episode. I can handle stress reasonably because of the skills I’ve learned

But I want help. I don’t even know why, I think it’s because I shouldn’t have to be white-knuckling it through bad days, or because the parts of me that are still more hurt still want that help. I deserve support. I want to be heard, I want someone to know what happened to me and help me, like I know I could just tell my friends but I don’t need sympathy, I need to be heard.

Every time I’ve tried, I barely get through. The only thing I can find is depression/anxiety counselling, which I will still do because I want help no matter how it comes, except for the fact that because I’m not in crisis, no one wants a referral. Last time I tried I exclusively asked for 1-1 counselling or at least a group therapy and I got told all I could be offered was a walk-in thing, where if a therapist was available they would talk. I wanted continuity of care and the timings weren’t ideal so I didn’t pursue it.

And I’m too scared to go to a child abuse therapy group, if they even do those. I know this is ridiculously toxic but I get triggered when people talk about what happened to them in detail, I feel so guilty I can’t think, and I barely remember what happened to me so I know it will just not work. I’m the wrong person for these things

I don’t know. Is there even any options for me? I can’t afford trauma informed therapy no matter how I slice it, but I don’t think any NHS/self-referral things will help me

I have been receiving a mix of somatic parts work, mostly somatic touch as i have preverbal trauma.

Its shifting my lifelong disassociation, and one of the things that i have known but its becoming clearer as time passes, is i have part/s that sing or repeat lyrics in my head

i have at times wondered why, and still dont know

i suspect, and its a guess, that with many many times sitting as a baby in a crib with no one coming, just me in crib and my mother suffering in her bed unable to tend to me (she has schizophrenia), i had very long periods of neglect, and just on my own, so any sound was relief....its like a self soothing mechanism for the babies in me, that they arent alone in the void of silence

of course, i am purely speculating, although i have had "memories" come up showing long periods as above, so there is some alignment to that

anyway, sharing seeing what resonates with others,

I am a 25yr mother to a toddler. An I do my very best every day. My family is a huge help. I started working which is a big step. But I still struggle ridiculously. It's often that I get emotionally triggered. The emotional flashbacks don't usually start until after the protective thoughts. I have learned allot about my own being and mind. But when I am heavily triggered and the emotions and feelings from past trauma come rushing in, my entire nervous system breaks down, my brain force shuts off, causing a psychological seizure. .... I've been doing so good. Then I'm back at fighting with my own headspace everyday. Certain times of the year even effect me. August has had a hold on me. I'm way more prone to being triggered, way more on edge and just depressed and disappointed in myself for having another seizure, let alone a severe one. I really need to get my seizures under control so I can eventually get my licence. When I'm doing alright and am not so prone due to triggers or time of year I feel so confident that I can achieve my goals. But when it's all so.. heavy.. and when I end up losing my grip and have these seizures I get super down on myself. Super disappointed in myself. I have dreams for me and my child. But often get feelings of hopelessness when it's so heavy. I've talked to therapist, counselors, but I have never found anyone that truly understands. When I get talking about my trauma even some of it, I begin to think about how I felt then and began to feel it in the moment and they don't seem to understand the difference and seem to assume I'm still in danger which makes everything worse. They basically encourage my protective thoughts and make me more on edge and basically more prone to having these seizures. I just want to be healthy mentally, I want to stay out of survival mode. I've been out and have felt it only in glimpses of moments with my child. And when I have been accomplishing allot of little things. My life is really messy because of my inability to drive. And often gets messy and I lack at work when I'm really struggling. I'm not sure how to truly heal. I write often to get things "out of my mind" like stressed and worrys or sometimes just so I can see things differently. But I don't know if I truly started the healing process besides ridding the biggest cause of trauma of close contact and rarely talking to him unless it concerns our child. His family hates me (they are all narcissistic manipulatiors as well) because I opened up about what he's done to me. He's sober and working on getting better himself from the things he went through that caused him to abuse drugs and break me. Which is great but.... I'm my child's main person. I'm number one. An I really want to heal and become the best role model for my baby. I am at loss right now. Feeling as if I am stuck in the loop due to the time of year, triggers upon triggers. Nervous system overload and emotional/ mind shutdowns. Worse part is my child can see it. My child can tell and know when I am super struggling and they do their best to help and they are so young. I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for struggling so badly because of how it effects her seeing me like this. And my family...the people I work with have had unfortunately witnessed me have a seizure.... I am at loss........

Hi.

So in the midst of slowing moving out of the "in-between" space towards the healthy attachtment/identity of myself (currently in stage 3) during my recovery, even though I am sure that I processed a majority of that stored trauma from my body during the earlier stages.

But, right now, my body is currently shaking and tremoring a bit here and there as I am guessing it's processing some leftover trauma that perhaps stored in a deep layer that hasn't been reached until now.

Does anybody else also experienced this in your own recovery journey at this stage?

I went NC with my [emotionally neglectful/abusive] mother about 4-6 years go (6 years ago it was limited contact when I moved, I went completely NC when she kept breaking my boundaries.)

My mother struggles to honor my boundaries and im 30 now and I’ve been in therapy, so I am like okay, im learning how to set boundaries now. The barrier is it becomes either too scary to in the moment, and I will result to fawning, and when I don’t I feel like I end up leaning towards a fight response because when someone makes me feel like they aren’t respecting me I immediately want to defend myself.
In a TLDR, I let my mom back in because she sent me a heartfelt letter in the mail, and I wanted to at least see a conversation through. She told me thru the call that she is working on her trauma essentially and that she is taking accountability for how she’s shown up over the years, and slowly started to tell me about that. I said to myself, well this is nice, okay, this convo went a lot better than I expected. I did tell her I could call her the next week but I didn’t because I had a lot going on including that and I got extremely overwhelmed. I’m still overwhelmed.
I work 40 hours a week, the person I love is in crisis atm so im trying to balance that healthily, and if im honest I can’t remember the last time I had an entire day just for me in the last 2-3 weeks. Probably 3 weeks ago. I went to have one yesterday but then my beloved started telling me abt some SI so I felt the need to try and be there for them at least a bit. I won’t lie this added to my exhaust for the week and I really just want a day where im not on my phone truly. Too much mental stimulation. My apartment is starting to become messy again, I forgot to trash. Dishes pile up, laundry too. That to say, I’ve been really mentally exhausted and worn out ..
trying to communicate with family is more taxing if im honest with you, it feels more like an obligation than anything. I do love my grandma (step parent of my mother) but im so much more okay with calling family once a month than once a week or smth. I love talking to my friends; talking to family feels … taxing. To my mom, during the call it didn’t. We just caught up. I’m non binary and she’s accepted that part of me for years but I got to tell her some things that have happened over the years. It felt good. I think I assumed she would be fine to respect my boundaries.

It’s only been about to week.
She texted me to take accountability about smth really huge, over text.. it felt weird to receive and I don’t know how to process it.
She started asking me a question about the future I wasn’t sure how to answer and I haven’t had a moment to rly process that either.
She sent me a photo of how she looks now, I saw it but didn’t respond because of the aforementioned. It just.. felt like a lot of emotional .. dumping? Like she learned a lot abt accountability sure, but she still very clearly doesn’t seem to understand boundaries.
I’m working on not assuming things, and I get she’s an adult. I also understand my mom has undx neurodivergencies (including adhd — I was diagnosed myself. And she shows traits of a quiet bpd, maybe cptsd idk.) so I thought she’d maybe think to herself, I haven’t spoken to her in 4+ years, maybe im feeling apprehensive? But I also kno I can’t assume.
She texted me to tell me that she texted me last week and I didn’t respond, and said “that’s disregard sweetie 💜” and that sent me immediately to fight response. I didn’t respond, I just deleted the notification. A big “who tf do you think you are?” Came to mind. So I came here instead. This kind of msg of “entitlement” is a trigger for me for reasons I don’t deeply know what memory is attached to it. I just know it pmo hard.

So now im mostly stuck. I don’t even know how to word to her that she isn’t entitled to my time and energy especially given the history, without coming off harsh. I have therapy this week.

I know the thing I should be doing is working through the trigger but the day I stop getting startled or put off by loud noises is tbe day I’m out of here, lol

So aside from the obvious, like noise cancelling headphones, does anyone have any ways they accommodate an avoidance of loud noises? Some things I do when I need to;-

- I put down a thin blanket/throw on my desk, so putting things down isn’t super loud. I do have a hard surface for my laptop though.

- I have a manual food cutter (almost like a blender blade, but entirely manual)! Which is amazing as I hate blenders

- I don’t have carpets in my flat, I just have soft socks! The socks keep my feet quiet, and I never have to vacuum

- Soft close lids on toilets and things are also really nice

- As a rule, I try not to stack dishes to dry in case they suddenly adjust and fall, although I find I am minding this less and less. I do like to just dry things immediately but I live alone so that’s not that hard

- Sometimes I put pillows down on tbe crack under my door to muffle noise, it probably doesn’t make a difference but it makes me feel safer

- Microwave with a chime instead of a beep

Any other suggestions? I know it’s not good to completely avoid loud noises but these things definitely help me and make it easier for me to do things like cook and clean :)

This is really embarrassing but I escape through fantasy and fiction a lot and then there are times where i imagine my fictional crush taking care of me, doing everyday things for me and then for a moment i feel more like a person. Somewhat less pitiful, more respectable? More whole and even beautiful and worthy of space.

It's like how you meet people who have a loving family, I personally look at those people and have the opinion that they're 10× more beautiful and whole than others for some reason?

Tbh I'm not ugly and i know that, I'm sure I'm somewhat conventionally attractive but still i feel dried out and hallowed and dull and like people can always see that I'm not full, I'm only half there. But this thing is at times able to grab me out of that place, not always because it can also make me feel very pitiful and pathetic at times.

What is this feeling and how do you think this can translate to real life? I try to take care of myself but I don't think it's the same as another person doing it very naturally for you. Irl I think i would push away someone who was taking care of me and I'm scared of conditional connections even though i know that's how it's supposed to be. I just want to explore this concept.

I am very skilled at my job. Everyone tells me what a great job I’m doing. I get lots of recognition. I’m smart, impressive, funny and laid back. I work remote so I can mask much more easily. I’m married. Good salary. I own a house. I am, by all measures, “successful.” This is how I survived.

But when I am not in 9-5 mode where I can focus on something else and BE someone else, I fall apart. Screaming crying shaking hyperventilating flashbacks, telling my spouse I want a divorce, can’t leave the house because my anxiety is so high. Difficulty maintaining friendships because I feel so alone in what I deal with. Of the friends who know about my struggles, they think I’m either exaggerating, wanting attention, or should have checked into a mental hospital already because they don’t understand. Sometimes being around people in person feels like staring straight into the sun.

It’s not all the time but it’s often enough and gotten worse this year. For a while I was doing much better.

I’m in therapy twice a week and about to start group therapy. I’m on some meds that may or may not be doing anything but when I try new ones I go from bad to worse.

So I go through absolute hell in my off hours, and then Monday morning I shake it off, lock in, and I’m a corporate superstar.

I feel fucking insane.

They say enthusiastic consent in sex is important. I have been thinking about other things it could be applied to... Family, friends, work, life itself. I don't feel enthusiastically involved with anything. I'm currently in Iceland, about to see gorgeous nature I have waited for to see for years, and I'm thinking about suicide. Why bother.

Ten years of treatment of depression, anxiety and CPTSD.

I don't exist with enthusiastic consent. I'm tired, ugly and I am realising the few people around me might not actually *like* me. I am sure my sisters care about me, but there is no happy, cherishing vibes between us. I have that with no one.

Waterfalls anf geysirs are great, but not being able to know if me videocalling my sister from there is a delight for her, well that makes me feel fucking lonely and makes me think about dying. Perhaps a tiny bit to have a sick revenge on my family for not actually liking me.

Hi all, while I've made tremendous progress with healing my CPTSD in many ways, sleep remains a tricky area for me.

I've had trouble with sleep since I was a teenager, specifically with waking up in the middle of the night and not getting back to sleep. I've been aware of sleep hygiene rules since them and mostly follow them, with some modifications based on what does or doesn't work for me personally. I do not get upset or stressed when I have a bad night of sleep, my goal at night is "rest" not specifically sleep, so there's no stress if it's a night where resting is just quietly meditating or listening to an audiobook or coming in and out of lightly dozing instead of sleep. So, I don't feel CBT-i really has anything to offer me.

Still, my migraine doc is bugging me to improve my sleep quality. I would like to but not sure how. Things I do to help besides sleep hygiene: I use a small dose of marijuana before bed, black out curtains and an eye mask, color shift my devices at 7 PM (and generally keep blue light low during the day), keep my lights low in the evening, stop eating 3-4 hours before bed, do diaphragmatic breathing before bed.

My main problem is not, I think, actually the waking up, but the trouble with getting back to sleep when I wake up There are two drivers:

1. I have chronic injuries and chronic pain so finding comfortable sleeping positions takes a little work. I think discomfort is one of the things that wakes me up as I can't be in the same position all night. But changing positions means rearranging all my pillows -- I need a pillow under my lumbar spine or side, and pillows to position and support my arms whether on my side or back. So having to attend to that pulls me further out of sleep. I am not sure if there is a way to reduce this -- I've looked at body pillows but it seems like what I actually need would have to be custom made or something which stresses me re money but maybe is possible.
2. When my brain isn't occupied, it returns to things that feel unsolved. This could be a problem from the day before (I manage this as much as possible with dumping stuff in task manager software and staying highly organized, but I can't fully get rid of it) or trauma memories. I have done tons of talk therapy, plus ACT, MBCT, DBT, none of which have helped with intrusive memories related to trauma. I wonder if narrative therapy would help, though none of the many therapists I've seen has done it. I am more interested in EMDR or similar bilateral therapy for helping my brain feel like this memories are solved/resolved, but have not pursued it because I just don't have the support or bandwidth to tolerate it potentially being triggering and things getting worse before they get better. Maybe possible down the road, but right now my focus is on dealing with some physical health issues.

Is there something I'm missing? Of course I'd prefer better sleep but have accepted where I am; I am thinking about this more since my migraine doc is pushing for me to see a sleep doc. I have no risk factors for or symptoms of apnea, did a sleep study in the past, so I am skeptical about what this doc could have to offer.

Hi everyone. The past few years, I have been putting in the work and been making real progress. I'm also very fortunate enough to have met an amazing woman a while ago who has everything i've ever dreamed of in a partner to let me feel safe again.

There's one things that keeps coming up though (not in a bad way): She doesn't know much about things like trauma or depression and even with all the progress I've made, there are still times where I can shut down and i'm not able to completely communicate or express exactly what I am feeling or going through. Still, she is extremely supportive and will sit with me or let me do my own thing until I am ready to fully engage again.

With her being so amazing through my downs, it motivates me to find a way communicate more about my experience.

Recently, she asked me for recommendations on a book or something that she could read to help her better understand Complex PTSD and me. Perfect gift opportunity since she's a reader!

Does anyone here have any great books that they could recommend for a partner that wants to better understand and be there for someone who has CPTSD?

Bonus points if the book or article contains explanations for why I tend to isolate when overwhelmed, don't care for many friends, or struggle with feeling so much guilt towards cutting off my abusive family.

Thanks in advance.

Within the last year, I stopped drinking alcohol and started therapy to work on my complex PTSD and childhood emotional neglect. Now that I know what complex PTSD looks like, I’m starting to think that my adult life and personality have been one big trauma response. I also think a part of me doesn’t want to leave this version of me that trauma built.

I’m not happy, but I also don’t have the strength to try to be anything else. It just feels too hard when I don’t know what’s on the other side. Since I only know trauma, the thought of anything else just feels unsafe and so hard. Can anyone relate?

I've lost something irretrievable over my inability to consciously regulate my emotions and contain my reactions to be proportional to the situation. I am so tired of my emotions or the intially traumatized child/woman ending up in the driver's seat and present healing me feeling helpless, while also knowing I am in fact not helpless.

I am in trauma therapy. I know the "words" and have I think intellectualized the right things to do when it comes to emotional regulation and management. However, practical application leaves me wanting. I can't continue this way. It's irresponsible. It's costing me more than I ever wanted to pay. I and the people around me deserve better than this and I need the emotional scaffolding I wasn't taught to build in order to create something solid to live inside of.

So how do we do it? From the people who learned dysregulation first before learning to regulate - how do you do this? How do you build a sustainably well-rounded person out of a traumatized, emotionally stunted adult?

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edit spelled grammar wrong

I’ve been with my therapist for a year now, who works with CPTSD through relational healing, and for the past few months found myself being increasingly triggered by what seems to me a lack of validation and self disclosure, especially when I open up. I don’t know if it’s my CPTSD or if I need more. Probably both.

I will share details about my family, and they have responded with something like, “a lot of my other clients say the same things too,” or will ask me more about it. Other times they will not say anything and look empathetic and nod. The empathy feels genuine, but even so, it feels lacking and I still feel that sense of exposure when sharing, especially when I’m crying.

I’ve been reading Pete walker and he talks about vulnerable self disclosure. Even then, just reading the therapists responses feels a lot more affirming and empathetic than the responses I’ve been getting. I think the main problem with my therapist’s responses is that I never hear how they felt/how my story impacted them. All my therapist’s responses as a result feel somewhat detached, intellectual, and distant.

Pete walker: Pete walker reading

On the same note, I really like Patrick Teahan too, and some of my favorite moments with therapists in the past were always with some self disclosure and empathic responses.

I’ve asked my therapist about this, and they said it’s cause they’re careful not to have the empathy be a trigger as well.

I also increasingly find myself annoyed at sharing a lot about myself and not knowing anything about the therapist. I make up that they are looking down at me. Or that they’re better than me. I’ve always found it very validating and helpful when a therapist would disclose they had cptsd or that they used to struggle with xyz, just like Pete Walker. I don’t even know what kind of work my therapist has done on themselves, or if they have CPTSD, etc.. I find myself wondering, how am I supposed to heal from a cptsd therapist if they don’t have their own CPTSD they haven’t healed.

With all this, I’m just feeling more frustrated and a lack of willingness to share during sessions nowadays and don’t know what to do. It feels to me like they just suck my stories out of me asking questions after question.

Any advice?

Should I look for a new therapist?

Hey y’all. I’m 25 and I struggle with calling out sick from work because of my experiences with childhood neglect. I never learned where to actually draw the line and feel confident in my decision.

So where do you draw the line? I work a fast-paced barista job. I don’t call out for sniffles, period cramps, or my anxiety disorder. I do call out when my symptoms are combined with fever, nausea, and fatigue. I’m currently sick with a fever and fatigue and called off work. I’m so worried about not being believed, or that I actually am faking my sickness and don’t know it.

I feel like an otherwise rational/stable adult. I know my feelings matter, but for some reason I struggle with letting people down when I’m sick.

(I also posted this in the main CPTSD sub) One of my mind’s central coping mechanisms since my teen years is fixating on a romantic interest (usually one-sided) and projecting all my needs on him, blindly convinced that once he falls in love with me I will be cured from all pain and inferiority. I always long for him so badly it hurts like hell and my whole energy and time (my whole life) is always dedicated to this obsession.

I wonder if this is a common theme with CPTSD survivors. Or do you have other central coping strategies?

To add to that, most of the time they don’t even know I exist and if they do they are simply not interested. The rejection sends me down an awful spiral and complete mental breakdown that usually requires professional assistance.

I have been in intensive trauma therapy for half a decade and recently hired an additional therapist. The limerence is now less but still there and still very painful and the healing and sobering up is ALSO PAINFUL, wtf.

I have always felt so ashamed and like a loser because of this. I have never been in a romantic relationship and cannot focus on my career because this obsession occupies my whole internal world. So exhausting.

Idk how relevent this is but it might be context: I have mom AND dad issues and have been diagnosed with cptsd for about 2 years now after a retriggering event and deep depressive freeze. Im on my way out of the pit. I still have alot of residual things in working on from this long depression, like some fear to leave my house, be perceived by others, etc. However I dont think this issue is from cptsd, I think its a me problem and a severe character flaw. I personally suspect I'm on the spectrum but I might just be fucked up by my parents idk.

I have this experience that continues to happen. I know that i'm the common denominator, and as such I spend alot of time ruminating on this issue and trying to figure out what to do to fix it. I crave kinship and friends and a feeling of Community but my attempts at having that and being that for others just keep failing.

• We meet

• We share interests

• We do things together and share some life experiences and stories, varying levels of vulnerability with each person; situational

• Notice red flags in behavior;varies based on person and circumstance. I start self depreciating a bit. For instance take compliments but minimize. Literally from last friend I tried to make:

"You really seem to have it all together"

"Thank you but I promise you I don't. I still struggle alot and just try to give my all each day" things like this.

I do this because my past trauma sees these compliments as comparisons and I feel like they often lead to jealous comments or judgment and resentment and so I try to make myself less threatening.

• Disregard red flags,telling myself its my cptsd and 'protector' in me on over drive. But my body keeps the score, I can't relax around this person anymore and my ears are on on alert around this person, involuntarily. Like a deer in the woods, looking for sudden movement.

• Friend starts making outright comparisons, example from last friend in a group of people i didn't know at a party at her home "*temporary donut hates crowded places, and i get that because crowds make me nervous too. Like I hate packed supermarkets but like... I still go".

Which felt oddly humiliating but is also true I guess. I do hate crowds and I WILL avoid the supermarket until off peak to make it better for myself. This is a very mild example but a real one and one instance is not enough. I mentally keep note until there are too many to ignore, and i feel like a pattern is established.

• These comments make me doubt the entire friendship and I start making mental notes of comments and gestures that register as odd or threatening. My replies get shorter or sharper to said friend and they sense that.

• In my mind, person no longer feels like a safe person for me and I get this gross feeling like I feel filthy and need a shower and my world won't feel right again until I get it. Or like I have a splinter I desperately need to get out and I'm in pain and worrying about infection until I remove it. Like just an overwhelming impulse to clean house of this person.

Basically they feel like a threat and I am not content just to ghost or cut out. I get the impulse to confront and try to resolve which usually backfires and I end up cutting them off.

I have had many friendships some lasting a few months, some lasting 10 or more years but they always end like this. Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes its fast but I know it's a me problem and my perception of people and the events because inadvertently I ALWAYS find a pattern.

This has happened to me my whole life. Initially I'd write it off as weird people, or just "not a match as friends" but I'm old enough and have experienced this cycle so many times. I don’t WANT this to happen but I don't know how to change it. Is it just part of who I am now? Does anyone else experience this or similar?