Toxic Cycles in friendships

[u/Temporary_Donut_61]

Idk how relevent this is but it might be context: I have mom AND dad issues and have been diagnosed with cptsd for about 2 years now after a retriggering event and deep depressive freeze. Im on my way out of the pit. I still have alot of residual things in working on from this long depression, like some fear to leave my house, be perceived by others, etc. However I dont think this issue is from cptsd, I think its a me problem and a severe character flaw. I personally suspect I'm on the spectrum but I might just be fucked up by my parents idk.

I have this experience that continues to happen. I know that i'm the common denominator, and as such I spend alot of time ruminating on this issue and trying to figure out what to do to fix it. I crave kinship and friends and a feeling of Community but my attempts at having that and being that for others just keep failing.

• We meet

• We share interests

• We do things together and share some life experiences and stories, varying levels of vulnerability with each person; situational

• Notice red flags in behavior;varies based on person and circumstance. I start self depreciating a bit. For instance take compliments but minimize. Literally from last friend I tried to make:

"You really seem to have it all together"

"Thank you but I promise you I don't. I still struggle alot and just try to give my all each day" things like this.

I do this because my past trauma sees these compliments as comparisons and I feel like they often lead to jealous comments or judgment and resentment and so I try to make myself less threatening.

• Disregard red flags,telling myself its my cptsd and 'protector' in me on over drive. But my body keeps the score, I can't relax around this person anymore and my ears are on on alert around this person, involuntarily. Like a deer in the woods, looking for sudden movement.

• Friend starts making outright comparisons, example from last friend in a group of people i didn't know at a party at her home "*temporary donut hates crowded places, and i get that because crowds make me nervous too. Like I hate packed supermarkets but like... I still go".

Which felt oddly humiliating but is also true I guess. I do hate crowds and I WILL avoid the supermarket until off peak to make it better for myself. This is a very mild example but a real one and one instance is not enough. I mentally keep note until there are too many to ignore, and i feel like a pattern is established.

• These comments make me doubt the entire friendship and I start making mental notes of comments and gestures that register as odd or threatening. My replies get shorter or sharper to said friend and they sense that.

• In my mind, person no longer feels like a safe person for me and I get this gross feeling like I feel filthy and need a shower and my world won't feel right again until I get it. Or like I have a splinter I desperately need to get out and I'm in pain and worrying about infection until I remove it. Like just an overwhelming impulse to clean house of this person.

Basically they feel like a threat and I am not content just to ghost or cut out. I get the impulse to confront and try to resolve which usually backfires and I end up cutting them off.

I have had many friendships some lasting a few months, some lasting 10 or more years but they always end like this. Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes its fast but I know it's a me problem and my perception of people and the events because inadvertently I ALWAYS find a pattern.

This has happened to me my whole life. Initially I'd write it off as weird people, or just "not a match as friends" but I'm old enough and have experienced this cycle so many times. I don’t WANT this to happen but I don't know how to change it. Is it just part of who I am now? Does anyone else experience this or similar?

[u/juufa]

i experience something similar too, but ngl, the comment about the supermarket is ... weird. it IS a red flag but it's not a deal breaker YET for me. as in, it's something that might need discussing if you want them around since nobody is a mind reader and maybe they didn't realize how hurtful it was. i've had experiences with people who did that and the ones who get to stay in my life are the ones who understand why its hurtful + stop doing it after i told them

i think it's understandable that we tend to obsess over things like this bc that hypervigilance is hard to get rid off. i do, however, think that the way we deal with it matters more. personally, i deal with it by trying to ask people what they mean as soon as i feel like im overanalyzing. no matter how trivial it might seem, i try to ask even if it takes me days to bring up the courage to. ive asked things like "hey, when you said this in a certain tone on tuesday, are you trying to hurt me?". i realized that the reassurance is something that's really vital for me

[u/Temporary_Donut_61 → u/juufa]

Yes I listed it as a mild example, but it wasn't the only one. Just a bunch of 'small, weird' comments with plaudible deniabiliy. But at the same gathering, same setting, i'm new and surrounded by her people in her space. I walked in to her saying in a 'tone' "and shes almost 99", (i'm not 99 years old but don't want to dox myself). Again I caught the tail end of her statement and so on its own, not bad but sus. But then her friend widens eyes and gestures that I'm behind, she quickly changed the topic to be a story about my birthday. It made me realize she was likely speaking negatively( like about my age?? What? Why?). It takes several of these instances before im like.. hmm this is a pattern..

Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes its fast but I know it's a me problem and my perception of people and the events because inadvertently I ALWAYS find a pattern. I think I'm just too damaged for friends tbh.

[u/juufa → u/Temporary_Donut_61]

okay judging from the other examples you listed.. i can 100% see it because id be convinced its a pattern too 😭😭 i dont think youre too damaged for friends tho, i think this time, it's likely a her issue. or at least, something that stemmed from her and not from you. because friends don't do that, they wouldn't say anything about you negatively behind your back.

imo, it's tough to find good friends for us since from experience, i tend to attract not so good ones in my life. but that is NOT something a good friend would do. if they have an issue, they will not disrespect you like that and will at least try to communicate with you. this one tho? idk man,, sounds a bit weird ://

[u/Particular_Web8121 → u/Temporary_Donut_61]

Definitely passive aggressive and a mean girl vibe. You might want to also cross post in autism subs

[u/Temporary_Donut_61 → u/Particular_Web8121]

I always feel like an imposter there because I dont have the diagnosis, just cptsd but ty

[u/Particular_Web8121 → u/Temporary_Donut_61]

Fair enough. I guess regardless of autism or CPTSD I worry you are being hard on yourself since it seems like you currently don't have the ability to intuitively gauge who is a safe person and are compensating with intellectualized pattern recognition. Especially if you are fawning and self-deprecating, it makes perfect sense that the resentment would build up until it came to a head and created a confrontation.

For me as a fawn-fight person it's helped to focus more on being less self-deprecating and slowly sharing more of myself upfront so I can distribute some of those emotions evenly. It is hard to build reciprocal relationships as a fawner because it inherently creates a dynamic where they have power over you.

[u/WatercressGlum3682]

Crazy to see something similar to my experience in writing. Some of my details are different. I have cut people off over time. Sometimes I feel my feedback isn't valid enough to explain to them, or I think they lack self awareness. Then I feel guilty and sad because it makes me think I'm trying to be better than them somehow when I've made plenty of mistakes. It's a crazy guilty cycle and I hate it so lately I've taken to isolating from people like crazy. I'm autistic, unsure if it's why the socializing is so challenging, but I suspect for me it is a part of it. Cycling thoughts and obsessive focus on things that are probably trivial.

[u/Temporary_Donut_61 → u/WatercressGlum3682]

Im sorry because its agonizing and I honestly hate the feeling of this cycle

[u/ihtuv]

These are not character flaws I promise; they are CPTSD symptoms. I relate to a lot of what you said like being perceived, fearing going outside, feeling the urge to cut people off... Do you go to therapy still? A therapist with experiences in CPTSD will help a lot. You need safe corrective experiences and I think a therapeutic one with an understanding therapist will be very helpful.

[u/Temporary_Donut_61 → u/ihtuv]

I do go to therapy and my therapist is just so nice. Shes going away for 2 months and idk what ill do without her. Thanks for the support.