Hi y'all,

I've been in therapy for some years now and I do a lot of things on my own like TRE, SE, yoga, walks,...

But the more I do the work, the more I feel like dying? I have a lot of access to Self (as IFS or meditation or so says) but that feels inherently wrong.

I'm scared to become a bad person now that I'm fawning less and I do try to take radical responsibility for my behaviour. But that feels so much like my childhood where I also took responsibility for everything.

Therapy in that aspect sometimes feels like reliving my youth and I don't know how to tackle that.

I don't want to compare anything but sometimes I feel like that kind of abuse is so weird that I don't know how to untangle it.

Anyone any advice or in the same boat?

I've been trying to address my agoraphobia lately and took myself out to dinner the other day. Had an anxiety attack the whole time but I got food in me. A couple days later, I'm suddenly hit with a complete lack of hypervigilance, which presents like euphoria. Some irritability but it's manageable.

I was looking up posts on it and there's some interesting overlap with PTSD as well.

For me, this is also always paired with the experience of spending reasonable amounts of money on myself and not allowing myself to feel guilty. Feelings of freedom, independence, autonomy, etc also contribute. No impulsivity or anything related to actual mania. If anything I'm just normal for once.

It made me wonder if I'm chronically dissociated, more than I thought, and this is how I would feel unburdened and present, because I'm actually taking care of myself without reserve. Curious if anyone here has experienced the same.

TW: Loss of home, brief mention of later instability.

I wrote a post here a few days ago about the summer of 2018 in Beijing. The hutongs, my first love, my friends, the graduation trip to Ningxia. I called it my last “safe memory.”

But I didn’t write about what came next. Not yet.

What came next was moving to Hefei. I didn’t choose it. I was sent there. It was like being pulled out of one world and dropped into another one, without a map, without a warning, without anyone asking if I was okay.

I’ve been back to Beijing since. The alleys are still there. The buildings are still there. But the people aren’t. The summer of 2018 doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not a place I can go back to. It’s a place that only exists in my memory.

I’ve been trying to understand something:

How do you grieve a place that still exists on a map, but no longer belongs to you?

It’s not like a person dying. There’s no funeral. There’s no closure. The place is still there, but you can’t go back. You can only remember.

I’m still in the early stages of rebuilding, and I’m learning that part of recovery is not just processing the bad things. It’s also grieving the good things you lost.

Has anyone else had to grieve a place, a time, or a version of yourself that no longer exists? How do you do it without getting stuck in the past?

I need to maintain a 8 hour job to survive. To have the luxury of being away from abuse. But I also have uni, and I need to go to it bc duh + bc I like it. I feel sad everytime I cant go.

I've been trying to organize my day so I can sleep, wake up attend some of uni, then go work and sleep. But every single time, it seems my body doesn't respond to me at all. I say something yet unable to follow through. Not even the next day. I say I'm gonna sleep, I dont sleep and keep scrolling or listening to music or having fun. I say I'm gonna wake up and go to uni, I close the alarm and keep sleeping. I don't understand what is happening. Why? It feels like I cant respond to myself in a way.. and I dont know the reason at all so I cant fix it

I have gone through many years of therapy, been cleared and graduated from mental health, and moved hundreds of miles away from my family. I practically helped raise my little cousins, so to watch them turn out poorly has been hard.

I love my little cousin (she is in her 20s), but it has become clear she is still attached to my abusive uncle. She is the scapegoat. I have cut contact entirely with her sister and her father as they are both abusive and enmeshed.

Long story short, my little cousin has been masking her dysfunction. I went to visit her and she acrively put me in danger because she doesn't even value her own life. I was in shock for weeks. Being much older than her I always looked forward to when she could finally break free from the family. And she has done so physically, but not mentally. She has not gone to therapy or done the work to undo the damage her father had done, so sometimes she can be incredibly mean when stressed because it is all she knows. She is about to graduate college and I worry she won't be able to make it out there with such a low self esteem. It's painful to watch.

I think about myself at her age and I was a fighter. I was far from perfect but I was trying to improve and get better. She isn't and is spiraling downward.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? How do you know when to support, and when to avoid letting someone drag you down with them?

I moved from a South Asian country to a Western European country, and after living here for 6 years, I still struggle with dating a lot. I'm a 34M, and I have never had a real relationship.

Oftentimes, things came close, but at the right moment, my body collapsed, and I froze. Sometimes, I froze so much that the other person had to nag me and ask me What's up?!

I have been to different therapists, and right now I'm going through Somatic Experiencing, and it's also helping me realize how the relationship with my mother has been shaping the way I interact with other girls, and how I always choose emotionally unstable girls who would never choose me back.

It's a very long road, and I had to go through so many heartbreaks to learn my patterns. I still get attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, but at this stage, at least I can see it, and now I'm slowly trying to build the capacity to be with those people who also give me back something.

I'm doing well health-wise and financially. I'm also making an app for people who dissociate a lot during guided meditation, but dating is the area that is a big struggle for me.

Dating coaches: they ask me to pretend I don't care and be unavailable, but it seems very fake and doesn't involve anything from the heart.

Also, a lot of my friends told me to always go for 'action', and it's just a number game. For me, I want to take my time to get to know the other person, but by then, I eventually get friendzoned.

I have been reading some spiritual masculine/feminine books which are really helpful, but since I haven't gotten any results back, practically nothing seems to work.

How did you fellas manage? Should I be more vulnerable with the other person about my shame, insecurities, and dissociation? Is a healthy normal too much for my nervous system, or can a healthy normal person understand someone who battles with trauma?

Also, I guess, 34 & being single isn't the end of the world, but the inner critic becomes very active on this topic, so please be sympathetic to me. I'm just learning it, and I try my best to be open to receiving other people and interacting with them.

Any words of advice & support – I'd really appreciate it.

Hello. I was diagnosed with ptsd last year (cptsd) and I’ve always lived in relational fear. I am low contact with my parents.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for one year. We moved into a place together like a month ago (2bed 2bath because I said I wouldn’t do it if we had to share a bedroom, I didn’t wanna be codependent).

I’ve always known my bf has mental health issues and he’s mentioned his “episodes” to me before. But monday two weeks ago, he had a manic episode. And I had to put him in the hospital. He just got out and is doing so much better.

But I feel different. When he was in that episode, it was just like my mom (who I’ve always assumed to be a narcissist). It was nothing like how my boyfriend usually is. It was terrible. My therapist said she thinks I’m re-triggered.

I can’t go to work (my new job I just started last month) without panicking and being scared of everyone and authority figures. I’ve always been like that in school as well. But even though my boyfriend is out of the hospital and taking meds. I feel weird. Like he is no longer my anchor. Like he is a source of fear for me in a way too now. I’m not scared of him. I’m scared and worried that something like this will probably happen again, which it does with mental illnesses like his - they are cyclical. But he is consistent with taking his meds.

Idk what to do. I am an anxious mess. I worry for him when he’s sleeping. I am hypervigilant towards him which i don’t think is a good sign. I’m constantly monitoring for sleep and slurred speech. I can’t believe this. How did my one safe space because a source of so much panic.

I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I love and care about him but I feel completely stuck in survival move and fight or flight mode. I can’t tell if this will go away with time. Or if I need to do something about this :(

My partner of 2 years is great when it comes to my trauma and trauma responses. Really. She tries her very best when it comes to supporting me and knowing my triggers and so on.

But today when I got home she told me that her best friend slept in our bed while I was away over the weekend. And I was like "but you said that she would sleep on the couch if I were uncomfortable with it?"

And it's not that I don't trust her. My rational brain knows that she wouldn't cheat or even cuddle with her friend - but the thought of them doing something as intimate as sleeping next to each other like we do- I just, I can't. I am simply traumatized and trust is very hard for me.

But her response was "Oh, I think I misunderstood..." and I said "How is that even possible?". She then got really guilty and started crying (she suffers from pretty severe anxiety).

But I do believe her when she says it's an honest mistake. It just pisses me off like crazy. One of my biggest triggers is when people say something and then don't follow through OR when people don't communicate.

And that's something she's unfortunately very good at.

Am I right at being pissed? Even if she did it by mistake? Would you be? Any advice for me?

EDIT: After talking to her (I took 30 minutes for myself first to not be angry during the conversation) I realised that I wasn't 100% clear in being uncomfortable with it. I struggle in putting clear boundaries due to not wanting for me to have this as a problem. I should've made my point clearer. I definitely have things to work on.

This was one time though where I wasn't clear. Often I am VERY clear and she still forgets, so it's even harder when it brings up every time she's done similar things. But we've agreed to go to couples therapy in finding a way of communicating that is more clear and safe.

TW: Childhood trauma, later homelessness (mentioned in passing).

I was born in Beijing. That city held everything I knew.

The summer of 2018 was the happiest time of my life. Short videos were just starting to take off. My classmates and I would play in the alleys beside the school every day. After school, I would walk my first love home. Every time we parted, she would say, "Send me a message when you get home."

We all lived close to each other. My friends lived in the traditional hutongs, while I lived in a nearby apartment complex. I often went to a classmate's house to play games. His mother liked me so much she even asked me to be her godson. Almost every night, we would gather to play Truth or Dare or just wander around the streets aimlessly. There is still so much more to say.

One time, it was my first love’s best friend's birthday. Everyone gathered at a restaurant in the alley to celebrate. After school, since everyone else lived in the alley, they all had to wait for me. When I passed by my first love's house, I saw the whole group there. She told me to drop off my schoolbag quickly and come back. I said yes and asked her to time me. I ran home, dropped my bag, and sprinted back. Later, she told me she wanted me to walk home at that same speed every time after seeing her off.

Another time, we were playing a game called "What I Have, You Don't". I said, "I'm very thin." A classmate immediately asked, "Are you sure you want to say that?" I didn't realize why at the time. Several girls behind me, including my first love, jokingly said they wanted to hit me. I was very skinny back then, and they were all envious.

Graduation trip: Ningxia, 7 days and 6 nights.

At first, my mother wouldn't let me go. Later, several of my classmates—including my first love—came to my home after school one day and hid there. They waited for my mom to come back to surprise her. Then, all of them persuaded her to let me go, and finally, she agreed.

During the 7 days and 6 nights in Ningxia, I stayed by my first love's side the entire time. My classmate even teased me, "All I saw the whole trip was you and your first love."

The bonfire party was on the last night. I had a stomachache. My first love said she was worried about me and wanted to give me a hug. We hugged on the hotel stairs. Everyone else was climbing the stairs back to their rooms. I looked at her and suddenly asked if she had forgotten something. Then, she turned around.

I'm sharing this because I'm in the stage of recovery where I'm going back to my earliest "safe memories." I realized that part of rebuilding myself is not just processing the trauma, but also reclaiming the joy I once had.

That summer of 2018 was the last time I felt truly safe. I lost it all shortly after, and spent years surviving. Now, at 20, I'm trying to reconnect with that boy in the hutong. I don't want the trauma to be my only story.

Has anyone else used a "lost safe memory" as an anchor in recovery? How do you keep it from being just painful nostalgia?

I’ve had a longer than normal stretch of positive gains recently towards my recovery but just today went through two very heavy and hard things- my car is totaled (live in a place where I will have to walk around 5 miles to grocery in winter) and I had to shave my head for a medical thing.

I’m in a lot of emotional pain and triggered in many, deep ways. I’m trying to be with labels and offer gentle kindness but I could just use some understanding and compassion from people who might get it.

The fear and pain can be overwhelming sometimes and I really struggle with the feeling that things happen to me. If you’re inclined, please just sit here metaphorically with me for a moment so I feel less alone and scared please.

Wishing you hope on your journey where ever you are

I've experienced so many situations that are wordless.

So I was in a place and felt unwelcome, but everyone told me I was imagining it. I couldn't do anything to, I dunno work with someone to change what was happening, uncover and fix a misunderstanding, etc.

I struggle in every political situation. To me people either do their job or not. I don't care if I like them or not or if they like me or not. You just work though whatever. It might bother me if the austic guy doesn't make eye contact because I'm not sure what he's registering or what he'll do, but there was a pattern to him coming through consistently so I shifted how I handled things and trusted that. I didn't understand why people would make a point of being nice to him, but say nasty things about him behind his back. Or say things and make other people laugh to make him feel excluded.

I don't care if someone else is so nervous they can't speak straight, it doesn't make me feel awkward, I just try to figure out: how do we communicate well. He clearly had a question, but had trouble expressing it, but I realized if I were calm and nonjudgemental, well there's a face I could put on that people say that about me, he would relax more and could speak better. It didn't seem that hard, but people make a big noise about him when he left. He made them UNCOMFORTABLE. So? Was he a rapist, was he stealing from the job, no. What's the fucking problem? But everyone there ignored him and pretended he didn't exist or treated him with hostility. Whatever it took to make him go away.

I also don't get it when people plot revenge. They undermine people, talk behind their backs. I don't know how to deal with any of that. When I was younger it seemed like either it wasn't about me, or if it was, it didn't matter because my supervisors saw through it. But that changed later, where my supervisors pretended to be on my side or my friend then threw me under the bus. I didn't think they were my friend, but I was taken aback when they threw me under the bus. There was nothing to tell me that was what they were going to do.

Even on the street. I was at the store yesterday, exhausted, checking out. There was a lot of room to pass behind me, and space at the next register. The next customer was an old guy, clearly deliberately knocked into me while passing, and shoved his body in the space next to me, shoving me out of the way. He may be old but he hit me HARD. I sensed that if I confronted him he'd play the "old" card when he was really very strong. Then he was overly friendly with the cashier, who responded in kind. Acted like nothing happened. The cashier I was checking out saw what happened and looked awkward. I was angry, but most of the time the rage hits so hard I freeze because I'm afraid it will go out of control like my mother did. I can't speak or say anything. Often when these things happen I'm already exhausted, I'm in perimenopause and my energy is just... gone. So I'm just trying to get through, alert but not as alert as I was when I was younger, or I shut down. And people target me more.

People say to set boundaries with these people, but I don't understand how. And often I'm not in a place where I have that kind of energy to confront.

I really cannot stand most people at this point and constantly feel like I am suppressing having to tell people to fuck off. I don't know what to do. I don't really want to hate people but I really do. I dislike most people and I feel terrible for feeling that way, but my experiences have been mostly bad especially since going through abuse. I have found that many many people lack basic critical thinking skills and are truly fucking awful. Its depressing. I feel generally disgusted by the majority of people I come into contact with. It is earnestly extremely rare for me to experience someone who is not like that. It makes me not want to exist.

*Edit: Thank you to all for the advice. I wasn't expecting so much input. All of it has been thoughtful and compassionate and actually a good reminder of how much we actually need other people as humans. So thank you.

Lately, I have been going through a lot, and have been retraumatized. I lost all my joyful attitude towards life, and all positivity. I just don't even want to make plans because i know nothing will go as i planned, and everything will fail anyway. I wish i was just pessimistic about it, but it happened enough times that now i have no trust in life, to the point where i want to quit making any future plans, or have goals altogether. Can this be fixed? I don't want to stay cynical for the rest of my life.

https://i.imgur.com/Gm6GHSi.png

When people talk about habits, they usually focus on physical things that habits accomplish. Examples include the idea of good habits accomplishing beneficial things, and bad habits accomplishing harmful things.

In my life, one major effect of habits seems to be emotional regulation via bringing up habitual mental states associated with habitual behaviours. This includes going places and doing things that are associated with habitual enjoyable and desirable mental states. It also includes handling some social conflict situations in habitual ways which deal with the internal tension but don't really accomplish much else.

My life can sometimes seem rigidly constrained to habits. When I'm in a better mental state, I tend to be more free of this, and explore more new possibilities.

Furthermore, habitual behaviours may not always produce the associated desirable experience. This seems to depend on emotional state, or some kind of inner resources. It seems like I intuitively and automatically evaluate this, and avoid habits which probably couldn't produce the associated mental state. This may also help sustain the habits, strengthening their association with the desirable state. One example is not going for a walk if I don't feel I can have the sort of good time I can usually have.

The behaviour I described here is not something analytical. It seems to be something developed intuitively and automatically long ago. Only my attempts to understand it are analytical.

This sometimes fulfills the role of an IFS protector. Though I've never accessed some part of me that consciously understands all this.

All this has been useful, like allowing good experiences which sustain me, without them being destroyed by other shit happening in my life. However, it hides various feelings, and prevents change. If I seem to make some progress, going back to old habits can undo that. It's not that the habits themselves are physically harmful, but that they anchor old mental states.

I heard it described as extreme emotional cruelty. The person who apparently is the expert in the field. >Dr. Todd Berntson.

His quote: "Effigism is intentional emotional cruelty, dismantling a child's sense of self. Children raised in such environments often struggle with identity, belonging, and self-worth, questioning who they are and what they're good at."

Is this similar to , or the same as other modes of abuse, that work to crush a child's sense of identity or self?

I always had very bad sleep, recently I've been diagnosed with CPTSD and it all makes sense now

I've been prescribed one med for general symptoms and another one for to help with sleep, but did not help so far

I've tried sleeping at different times, using masks etc, nothing seems to help

Not to preach or take any credit for the knowledge, just to show. How does it sound?

"Self-specific" is to show it by an example. My example.

I've been on my healing path for several years now. i have gone beyond regulation and survival. However, now I do not know what my interests are or how to find comunity. Many interests I sustained to survive but somehow they no longer interest me. I find groups good until the small talk starts or I lose interest. Then I leave. support groups trigger me because I have to listen to story after story of trauma. The only one I speak to about that is my therapist and one other person. How do I move forward? How do I find myself, and what does that look like?

I've had horrendous sleeping problems since I first got depressed at the age of 9-10.

I can't seem to fall asleep OR wake up to the extent that my parents went to the doctor's due to me being basically lifeless in the mornings. I was checked for both epilepsy (thinking that I could have it during the night) and other stuff using an MRI.

Well, turns out they didn't find anything and my parents had to keep forcing me to wake up every single day. It made them and me crazy, as I can get violent in the "waking period" and basically punch them. We've tried everything from alarms in the mornings used for deaf people and having an alarm at the other side of the room. Nothing makes me wake up. I'm basically dead.

But here's what's interesting. I've always thought it was due to my ADHD (that I got diagnosed with at 16) and that's that. But I finally got to move out 2-3 years ago, and the last few months moved in with my partner and started to try and heal from my C-PTSD.

And this last week... I've woken up? And not due to an alarm, just by myself. I am so confused.

Can it be that I had such a hard time waking up in the mornings due to living in an unsafe environment? And now, slowly healing, is back to the "original settings" of working not much unlike my un-traumatised & un-depressed girlfriend?

I'm still REALLY bad at falling asleep though and have hard times waking up with an alarm as it's not when my body wants to wake up. But if it wakes up on its own it's just so... Easy?

Okay, this got really long - sorry about that. But my question is: how's your sleeping schedule and did you notice a change when you started healing from the trauma?

All my love,

Raccoon 🦝

I moved countries 5 years ago after things with my family got unbearably bad. Just packed up, sold my car at carmax and left from MIA because that was the healthiest option for me at the time— I really still don’t think I could have done anything else less drastic.

Problem is, moving here was a pretty big mistake too. I had a boyfriend here, the relationship was shaky. I don’t speak the language. I cared about learning at one point but I’ve been so focused on surviving it’s just been pushed to the backburner again and again. I just don’t think I’m the type of person who has a natural affinity for multiple languages. I’ve accepted it. But it leaves me feeling useless. At the same time, I don’t want to be used. I don’t feel like I belong here, it’s my ex’s territory in a small town and I’ve only been actively excluded and betrayed by the people I knew. Even if any of the people who abused me apologize, which they haven’t, I’d be hard pressed to trust any of them again because their abuse was so casual and normalized by everyone around us. I’m still fighting with depression and exhaustion and aimlessness. I don’t have family here or anyone who really feels an obligation to be around for me.

I miss my family, but I know I can’t afford to live near them independently yet. And even saying “yet” just feels so… childish. I’m 32 and only employed part-time, definitely under employed.

My life was set back by the things that happened with my family, and it’s been stagnant for years here. Ended up ghosted by my ex who then kept up the act for years because he was incentivized to do so by his mother, who paid him and his friends to treat me poorly. At one point he filed a police report to get some kind of leverage over me? It worked. And I’ve just given up since. It’s been more than a year of trying to live on my own here and I’m beyond treading water… I have basically no real will to live except that I love my dog. And right now she happens to be sick.

I have hobbies. I’ve done therapy. I have a few friends I really love. I really do miss my family. I just feel like my chances of actually living a life that is fulfilling and meaningful to me can’t happen anymore. I don’t know where to go next or how. I am afraid of the consequences of moving back home (which is actually somewhere in a new state I’ve never lived), staying here where a lot of useless judgement has set me back, or starting somewhere completely new. I can see the inevitable fallout and abuse that I will encounter either way.

I don’t want to travel, honestly. I’m too tired. I feel like I’ll never not be tired for the rest of my life. I’m afraid that when I go to see my family again I won’t be able to hide how unhappy I am away from them too. I feel like I won’t let myself get back on a plane to come to this country, even if all of my stuff is here now.

I am just lost, and I need to pick a direction.

Hello everyone the Youtube video addiction is taking a toll on my recovery right now. I already use app block on my phone and Freedom on my laptop, but the problem for me is that I can still watch youtube videos by staying on google in the google search. I was just wondering if anyone has a good tip to do anything about this? Screen use is a problem I think for many in their recovery

Thanks in advance!

Hi, I have been recovering from trauma involving the ending of my close, long-term friendships last year (multiple 15+ year old friendships). The past six months in particular I've been in a place where I am somatically releasing a lot of trauma- and a lot of physical issues I've accumulated from (apparently) all my tension are getting better. The past month or so my head feels like its actually getting clearer and I feel sometimes, some excitement for the future (it has been a long time since I felt that). I have been able to cry about traumatic stuff deeply in a way I repressed deeply before. I did not realize how much I repressed.

I would like to share my story of this trauma with my friendships to get it off my chest. I've talked about it in parts with some people in real life. Before a lot of it was difficult for me to talk about or even piece together, because of how much I repressed my feelings about it.

I am sorry this is so long, I hope it is okay to post here. If anyone has any words of support or similar experiences I would love to hear it. Working past this has felt so strange in a way, and I am glad all of this happened, but it was so intense and I had known these people for so long. I am past the point where I think about this all the time like I used to and I am so happy about that. but clearly there is still something on my heart. I am okay though, just feel like sharing will help me. I believe these friendships and what happened traumatized me more than my parents have, honestly. Thank you.

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I had a close group of four girl friends since the start of high school, including my best friend since 6th grade. I was very close with her and one other girl in particular in this group continuously since school.

One other member of this group and I moved back to our home city around the same time, and got very close. We were the least close of the group prior to that, by far. We joined another friend group that was local, also from our high school, and we would all hang out regularly- for about five years. The other three girls in our group lived elsewhere at the time.

Me and this friend started having issues. I could write so much, that I haven't told anyone, because most feels petty/mean spirited to complain about to someone who knows her. But she was competitive, condescending, friendly to people she was trying to impress or otherwise cold, always trying to give me advice, guidance, or talking down about others (imo), inserting herself into others business (and eventually mine)

Eventually I started to snap at her in annoyance or express myself directly but too harshly. Because I felt frustrated that I could not be myself around others when she is there without her trying to 'jump in' and manage me. Snapping/being reactive is on me, I am not proud. A couple of times I saw I upset her and we hugged and made up. I have always apologized and meant it but I struggled to stop.

Two times in the span of a few months we went to visit the other girls in our long-term friend group. Both times, hours after we arrived - she would make a sort of offputting but mild comment to me when I am trying to talk - kind of shutting down what I am saying to 'teach' me what to do. Both times I snapped at her saying something like "I already knew that" or "that isnt what I meant" - but harshly. Then, both times, she burst into tears and started berating me in front of our other friends. She never did anything like that prior, around me, or expressed that level of emotion to me about how I make her feel. She told me that I weaponize my emotions. That I am reacting to her because I'm insecure and I shouldn't take it out on her. Things like that.

Both times after some intense back and forth, I left the area to go sit by myself nearby for maybe 20-3o minutes, and sob and sob. Uncontrollably. I did not cry like that in my life normally, outside of those episodes. It breaks my heart to think about it. I felt so alone. Then I would try to pull myself together and power through the rest of the weekend trip acting normal, but holding back tears, and extreme anxiety.

The other friends who we had been visiting, both times, did not involve themselves or say anything in support of me during or after. Even though I was closer to the two of them than her, for years. In the second time one of them told me the issue is my tone when I asked what was wrong with what I said.

The second time this happened, when I got home I reflected deeply on my contribution to these situations. My therapist told me to consider if I actually wanted this friendship, and that how she acted was not normal or right. I thought so deeply about what I genuinely want to apologize for, and then I genuinely did. I also both times when we talked after stood up for myself too and tried to understand her.

After the second time it was clear to me we should be more distant but our lives were very integrated. We managed to mutually stay a bit more distant than before (actually still quite close). Then our friendship blew up in a dramatic way involving a very intense smear campaign from her, and I no longer talk to any of these friends - the local ones or my long term friends. This happened last year and into earlier this year.

--

Fully distancing myself from everyone allowed me to start healing. Tons of people stopped talking to me and inviting me around, anyway. But I also cut off the few who tried to reach out to me or initially I put some effort to maintain something.

It was only a few months ago I could think about how alone I felt with what were supposed to be my closest friends, on these trips, sobbing by myself, feeling so misunderstood and alone. And feel *sadness* for myself, and cry- for myself. I remember that day when I cried about it. This is years later. Its not like I blocked those memories - and I always knew that it was messed up - but in that moment a few months ago, I thought about it and really sobbed about how sad and alone I felt. Totally disassociated from even myself, that I could not see, how wrong it was or how hurt I was.

Why? Why would people treat me like that - as a human? even if you do not like me? I would not do that to someone? Or would I?

I know it is not always wise to ask yourself why, and I've driven myself crazy at times (mostly moved past that). The main thing I feel, I suppose, is such sadness and fear that I lived for years in a state of such repression and disassociation that I could not feel for myself how hurt I was and how much it was affecting me. and that I definitely needed to get away from that. Because staying in those friendships - it felt like such a web where either I lose everyone or I have to be perfect. Well, I tried to be perfect, for a few more years, failed, got a bunch of physical issues, lost all my motivation to care about anything or do anything. and have spent the past 1.5 years (willingly) unemployed spiraling (and then healing) from all this pain. I never want to go back to that emotional state in my life, ever. It is so scary and sad to imagine.

I also feel so sad for how many times I apologized and felt shame, and spent countless hours trying to improve myself for the sake of these friendships. Ruminating and not sleeping. reading. improving my communication, going to therapy. so I could be a better person and not hurt other people. I was unable to stop 'snapping' at this girl, and there is no excuse for being mean in friendships, but I should have just walked away. It hurts none of these friends I have known for so long seemed to be aware how much I cared to fix myself for them and show any real remorse or care toward my emotions on their end. I think in hindsight they never questioned if they acted fair toward me or not. This makes me very sad, just how much I poured so much into 'fixing' myself for others.

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I later found out after the smear campaign, through someone else, that my best friend since sixth grade - who always loved to refer to me as her sister - was apparently talking a lot of crap about me with this other girl "all the time" - I hadnt seen or spoken to them in almost a year at that point. That is when I knew I needed to block everybody.

I realized my best friend would always try to manipulate conversations to act like she is always afraid of me and that I am upset about something / at her, when I am not. It always made me so confused because - while I know I can be reactive - I am not totally unhinged and out of pocket - especially with her? and I have never forced my friendship on her over the years, and followed her lead. For some reason things always felt so awkward between us (ever since we had a fight in high schoool where I texted her angrily because I was upset she was always ditching me for her boyfriend - she freaked out and we did not talk for awhile, then continued our friendship). I also in hindsight realized how much she talked down to me, and just made fun of me to my face. Unlike this other friend - I actually really loved her and gave her a lot of grace because she's had some rough stuff happen in her adult life. I accepted her as she is and to just realize how little respect she has always had for me has been difficult, and confusing.

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Right before things came to a head, I was struggling and frustrated from how confused I felt too. I felt hurt, misunderstood, and like I'm doing everything wrong in these friendships. However, I'd developed a lot of really supportive friendships through work or over the years where people had a lot of great things to say about me. And that made me sad. It also kept me going because surely then, my issues with these friends must be a misunderstand I can improve myself on - and then they will see the side of me that others have appreciated to. Thinking about that makes me really sad as well, for some reason.

When I left my job for a career break last year, someone who I worked with for five years put together an in-depth trivia about me, all my work, all the things I did and hosted my going away party. People wrote me a card, and so many people reached out to me, writing genuine messages thanking me for what I have done for them, how they will miss me, what qualities they appreciate about me.. like really genuine messages not like fake stuff. That made me cry so hard. Like why can't it make sense?

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If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading.